For several years now I have been reluctant to spend Christmas with anyone, nor did I decorate or celebrate it in anyway. But this year here in Orlando, I am surrounded by the familiar and I have been watching Christmas movies nonstop on Netflix and the Hallmark Channel. This has rekindled a sense of nostalgia and a sense of longing for the time when the holidays meant something too me. Then to top it off Facebook shows me a memory from 6 years ago, to the last festive holiday gathering that I had. It was full of warmth, laughter and love and was spent 3,000 miles away on the West Coast of the United States. Kerry and I were in Los Angeles sharing the holiday season with his family and my friends. That was the last Christmas that I had a tree, decorated the house, had a holiday meal and really enjoyed the Christmas Spirit.
6 years later I am in Orlando with my friend Judy whom Kerry and I spent our that wonderful holiday season with. She is in the holiday mood and has a Christmas tree up and is slowly decorating the house. It is taking me a long time to warm up to the idea of celebrating Christmas again. But as I was sitting there binge watching holiday movies, I got a message from my ex's mother who shared my holiday photos back on her wall and commented on them. There were pictures of me and Kerry, his sister, his grandmother and his mom. We were at the mall doing Christmas shopping when we took those pictures. A sense of longing and loss filled me as I looked at those pictures and I wished that I was back there during those days once again. That truly was the last time that I felt a sense of family and belonging.
But as this year is progressing steadily toward Christmas day and the annual count down has begun and the Spirit of Christmas is slowly creeping upon me. I am beginning to feel the stirrings of Holiday cheer in my heart and I am wondering where it is coming from. I am wondering if it hasn't been there all along and I have been suppressing it along with the feelings of loss and longing that I normally feel at the holidays? I would have to hazard a guess that I was burying all emotions and memories of the holidays for many years, because my aunt, my grandmother and grandfather all died around the holidays and left a huge hole in the family.
This year I have something forward to look forward to. This will be the first year that Dominic and I get to spend a Christmas together, that Judy and I are back together for another Christmas and my ex Matthew has moved back to Orlando and will be hanging out with us to celebrate the holidays. It isn't the family that I remember or had in mind but they are the family that I have with me at the moment and it seems like the right opportunity to try and enjoy myself once again. As most of you know the last 3 years have been rather hard on me, and during the last 3 holiday seasons due to circumstances beyond my control I was homeless for each of them. 2015 was the last Christmas that I can honestly say that I was in a stable environment for the Holiday season. This year I am getting my feet back under me and I am in a safer, stronger environment than I have been in for quite some time and that alone is enough reason to feel festive.
Yet, I cannot help but have melancholy feelings about the last actual Christmas that Kerry and I spent together. We were happy then, everyone had smiles on their faces and it was a fun time where we spent a lot of time with our family and friends. I haven't felt that sense of belonging since that time and I wish for it again. My relationship with Kerry might not have worked out and we aren't together now, but that doesn't mean that he isn't my family and that he doesn't hold a special place in my heart. He is now and always will be forever a part of my life, my personality and will be a part of my family, even if him and I never get back together. We spent 10 years of our lives together, we went through way to many experiences, traumas, dramas, and life incidents that have created a bond and a relationship that can never be broken. Our mutual experiences alone, mean that there is no one that can ever take his place, he will ever and always remain with me.
I have a new life, and I am living back in Florida, I have dreamed of him and I getting back together, but back earlier this year he told me that he was thinking that maybe it was time for him to find a girl settle down and have kids. That would mean that I no longer fit in his new life and world, but that new world cannot and will not ever replace what we mean to each other or replace the things that we went through together. It just means that we have grown and are on a different path from each other right now. But 10 years is a long time to spend with someone and the future is uncertain, there may come a time and a place where we realize that we need each other and eventually find ourselves back together. No one knows! I can only speculate that he is happy in his new life and I am trying to do everything in my power to get to the happy spot in my own life and be comfortable with myself, who I have become and who I truly am. I am content with who I am with and I love him dearly, I can't honestly say that I want anyone else but him at this moment in time.
But this post is about the Christmas Spirit and Holiday Cheer, it really isn't about me or my needs, wants and desires. Christmas Spirit is about loving and giving to one another, uplifting those around us and making those around us feel loved and special. It is about caring and giving, being selfless and loving. It is about family, friendships, relationships and bridging past hurts and making amends, it is about forgiveness and moving on. LOVE is the one word that I would use to describe Christmas Spirit. What word would you give it???
Celebrating the holidays with family and friends is supposed to be a joyous time a year, where we set aside our differences and come together in love and unity. It is about giving presents and gifts from the heart and giving of yourself, selflessly without expecting anything in return. It is about fostering and kindling new relationships, rebuilding old ones and moving into a new year with Love and Forgiveness and Peace.
I am curious what does Christmas Spirit mean to you? What do you expect when you think of Holiday Cheer? What are you expecting this holiday season? Is it coming true for you? Are you happy, who do you miss? What is your Christmas Wish for this Holiday Season?
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Monday, December 17, 2018
Friday, December 14, 2018
Family Ties
This evening I am sitting here thinking back over my family and wondering what happened in my life that there are no Family Ties. My mother and I are pretty close, I call her when I have the time and I am feeling up to it. But, I hardly speak to my father or my brother. I am trying to figure out what happened to these two relationships that makes them so difficult and hard for me. My father and I got along pretty well when I stayed with him, but since I moved out and have tried to make it on my own we have had some troubled times and have shared some harsh words and feelings.
My brother on the other hand we were closer when we were younger but ever since I moved to Atlanta back in 1997 we have drifted further and further apart and we hardly speak to one another unless something bad has happened in the family. I see some of his posts on Facebook but I don't even have an address or phone number to contact him on. I have asked my mom several times to send me his number she says that she will and never does.
But my family hasn't always been this distant to one another. When my dad's mom was alive we were a much closer knit family, and all of the relatives talked and we saw each other quite often. Since her passing the whole family drifted apart and seemed to go their own separate ways. My dad's youngest brother died just last month in November and that leaves only my father as the last of my grandmother's children. Though all of us grandchildren and great grandchildren are still around my dad immediate family line is completely gone except for him. This must make it lonely for him, though he drifted further and further from his family as the years went by it must be a terrible feeling knowing that you are the last one standing.
I really don't know what caused the rift in my own immediate family and I don't know what is keeping us so far apart from one another. I call my dad when I am go into the hospital, and I try to check up on him every couple of weeks, but he really doesn't reach out and call me like that unless it is my birthday or a holiday. As far as my brother, I don't know what happened between us, when we are together we seem to get along fine and we talk to one another as far as I know there is no hard feelings between us or a reason that is keeping us apart.
I don't know maybe it has something to do with me being gay and always being in a relationship that has kept him away. I don't know, or it could be that I have been sick for so long and everyone has thought I was going to die so many times maybe he doesn't want to get close to me because losing his brother to illness and death might be too hard to bare. I really don't know the answer to that question.
How can a family turn out to produce 4 individuals that are so different from one another? It is almost like we are total strangers to one another, we don't seem to confide in each other and we are all dealing with our own illnesses on our own and trying not to involve the other family members. I think this is totally strange. I see so many families that are so close, that the brothers are best friends and are there for each other. My family is nothing like that.
Maybe it is because of the difference in our ages. I am 7 years older than my brother and that is quite a bit of distance. He had to follow in my footsteps go to the same high school I went to and deal with the same teachers I had, who all probably remembered me. Maybe there was too much comparison between the two of us as he was going to school and he felt like he was treated differently because I was so much older than him. Again, I cannot tell you the answer because no one has told me how they have felt. Now back in June my father and I did have a heated discussion where he frankly told me that I have made his life miserable for the last 50 years and that I was making his death that much worse than it could be. We have made up since then but the words still haunt me to this day.
No, I wasn't the perfect child and I missed some very important life lessons along the way, and I am don't know how to correct that which I have never picked up or learned. I can tell you that I care deeply about people and I am a nurturer and that I try to take care of everyone around me. Most people including my parents are not like that. I may be stuck in a codependency issue at this point, because I feel like I need to take care of everyone and everything around me. Yet, many times I end up losing control of the situation and get myself hurt.
I struggle with these issues as well as self-esteem issues and self-worth issues as well and none of my immediate family seem to suffer from any of these problems. Some of these feelings I can attribute to my early age of having cancer and the scars and surgeries that needed to be done to correct the issues that I had. Some of these surgeries have left physical scars and permanent damage to my body that can never be reversed and at the age of 24 dealing with these life changing events can be traumatic. Not to mention that I suffer from severe depression and anxiety and in 2014 was diagnosed with PTSD.
I am actively seeking help through VA counseling and seeking psychiatric help as well. Nothing that my parents, military or friends taught me helped me deal with my body, illness and disability. I have had to learn to adapt and cope with this on my own. Luckily, I have made some very good friends along the way and have created a pretty manageable support network through them. I also am a writer and I use writing as a sort of coping mechanism that helps me deal with the issues that I am facing. There used to be a time when I wrote every day, but I haven't had that luxury in several years, though I am trying to get back in the swing of it. Because believe it or not it really does help me calm myself and focus on the things that are relevant and important to me at the moment. Writing not only allows me to express myself in words, it is an outlet where I can channel my frustrations and ask myself questions like I am doing tonight when talking about my personal family.
My writing is personal and based on my own life and experiences, it is an outlet and a medium where I can put my thoughts, ideas, poems, and prose into action to help others who may be facing or going through something similar to what I am going through at the moment. Not everyone can benefit from what I write, but I am read by over a million readers a day and I have followers in 40 countries and that is something to be proud of. My words are reaching people across the world and who knows who might be benefitting from my experiences.
Every day I remind myself that I have no idea who might be watching me, who might be learning from me by seeing how I function on a daily basis, nor do I know who is reading and hearing my words. That a simple casual conversation can lead you to an unexpected place. Fate, Destiny and Karma bring us to the place that we need to be at exactly the right moment that we need to be there. Plus God promises us that if we keep the Faith that he will not give us more than we can bear, for just as long as we can stand and will be with us through it all. He will carry us when we falter and lift us up when we fall.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
My brother on the other hand we were closer when we were younger but ever since I moved to Atlanta back in 1997 we have drifted further and further apart and we hardly speak to one another unless something bad has happened in the family. I see some of his posts on Facebook but I don't even have an address or phone number to contact him on. I have asked my mom several times to send me his number she says that she will and never does.
But my family hasn't always been this distant to one another. When my dad's mom was alive we were a much closer knit family, and all of the relatives talked and we saw each other quite often. Since her passing the whole family drifted apart and seemed to go their own separate ways. My dad's youngest brother died just last month in November and that leaves only my father as the last of my grandmother's children. Though all of us grandchildren and great grandchildren are still around my dad immediate family line is completely gone except for him. This must make it lonely for him, though he drifted further and further from his family as the years went by it must be a terrible feeling knowing that you are the last one standing.
I really don't know what caused the rift in my own immediate family and I don't know what is keeping us so far apart from one another. I call my dad when I am go into the hospital, and I try to check up on him every couple of weeks, but he really doesn't reach out and call me like that unless it is my birthday or a holiday. As far as my brother, I don't know what happened between us, when we are together we seem to get along fine and we talk to one another as far as I know there is no hard feelings between us or a reason that is keeping us apart.
I don't know maybe it has something to do with me being gay and always being in a relationship that has kept him away. I don't know, or it could be that I have been sick for so long and everyone has thought I was going to die so many times maybe he doesn't want to get close to me because losing his brother to illness and death might be too hard to bare. I really don't know the answer to that question.
How can a family turn out to produce 4 individuals that are so different from one another? It is almost like we are total strangers to one another, we don't seem to confide in each other and we are all dealing with our own illnesses on our own and trying not to involve the other family members. I think this is totally strange. I see so many families that are so close, that the brothers are best friends and are there for each other. My family is nothing like that.
Maybe it is because of the difference in our ages. I am 7 years older than my brother and that is quite a bit of distance. He had to follow in my footsteps go to the same high school I went to and deal with the same teachers I had, who all probably remembered me. Maybe there was too much comparison between the two of us as he was going to school and he felt like he was treated differently because I was so much older than him. Again, I cannot tell you the answer because no one has told me how they have felt. Now back in June my father and I did have a heated discussion where he frankly told me that I have made his life miserable for the last 50 years and that I was making his death that much worse than it could be. We have made up since then but the words still haunt me to this day.
No, I wasn't the perfect child and I missed some very important life lessons along the way, and I am don't know how to correct that which I have never picked up or learned. I can tell you that I care deeply about people and I am a nurturer and that I try to take care of everyone around me. Most people including my parents are not like that. I may be stuck in a codependency issue at this point, because I feel like I need to take care of everyone and everything around me. Yet, many times I end up losing control of the situation and get myself hurt.
I struggle with these issues as well as self-esteem issues and self-worth issues as well and none of my immediate family seem to suffer from any of these problems. Some of these feelings I can attribute to my early age of having cancer and the scars and surgeries that needed to be done to correct the issues that I had. Some of these surgeries have left physical scars and permanent damage to my body that can never be reversed and at the age of 24 dealing with these life changing events can be traumatic. Not to mention that I suffer from severe depression and anxiety and in 2014 was diagnosed with PTSD.
I am actively seeking help through VA counseling and seeking psychiatric help as well. Nothing that my parents, military or friends taught me helped me deal with my body, illness and disability. I have had to learn to adapt and cope with this on my own. Luckily, I have made some very good friends along the way and have created a pretty manageable support network through them. I also am a writer and I use writing as a sort of coping mechanism that helps me deal with the issues that I am facing. There used to be a time when I wrote every day, but I haven't had that luxury in several years, though I am trying to get back in the swing of it. Because believe it or not it really does help me calm myself and focus on the things that are relevant and important to me at the moment. Writing not only allows me to express myself in words, it is an outlet where I can channel my frustrations and ask myself questions like I am doing tonight when talking about my personal family.
My writing is personal and based on my own life and experiences, it is an outlet and a medium where I can put my thoughts, ideas, poems, and prose into action to help others who may be facing or going through something similar to what I am going through at the moment. Not everyone can benefit from what I write, but I am read by over a million readers a day and I have followers in 40 countries and that is something to be proud of. My words are reaching people across the world and who knows who might be benefitting from my experiences.
Every day I remind myself that I have no idea who might be watching me, who might be learning from me by seeing how I function on a daily basis, nor do I know who is reading and hearing my words. That a simple casual conversation can lead you to an unexpected place. Fate, Destiny and Karma bring us to the place that we need to be at exactly the right moment that we need to be there. Plus God promises us that if we keep the Faith that he will not give us more than we can bear, for just as long as we can stand and will be with us through it all. He will carry us when we falter and lift us up when we fall.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Friday, September 14, 2018
Trying to reconnect with my lost extended family
The lack of the ability to sleep. Is the classic definition of Insomnia and it is an affliction that I have been battling for a very long time. I used to joke that I lived a Vampire life with my use of drugs I would be up all hours of the night. When I lived in Atlanta I would get high and walk the streets, and I always had a house full of people that surrounded me, but still I felt isolated and alone. Now that I am finished with that life, I am still plagued by the sleepless nights and it is wearing on my heart and mind a lot lately.
I have been reaching out to friends from the past trying to reconnect with them, once I had my heart attack in July I began to realize how important those people were and are too me. Yet, I have talked to a few, I can't seem to get them all to communicate with me on a regular basis. So instead of sleeping at night now my thoughts have turned to them and I am worried about them and wonder what they are each up too. I must admit that I feel responsible in a major way for each of them. At one point or another they were in my life as a partner, boyfriend or lover and I am wondering if they are suffering and going through many of the same things that I went through.
I wonder if they are lonely, suffering, going through recovery, or are still stuck in the Vampire life that I have left behind. Many of these individuals I introduced to the world of the needle and at one point one of the people I was associated with called me the angel of Death. I often wonder if that name might not be appropriate. I cannot change what I did in the past, but I never once stopped caring about any of the people who I dated or were in my life. The world of meth and it's culture is something that I have been intimately associated with for the last 20 years or more. I have met a score of people, shared my home with them, my drugs, and life with them. As more and more of my peer group is disappearing to death, drugs and disease I worry more for them then ever before. I want to rekindle those past friendships and relationships and see what has become of them. I am not proud of the person I was, but I am not ashamed because of it either.
Because of my past experiences I have met so many wonderful, unique and quality individuals that have left a huge impact on my life and have taught me so very much about myself and humanity in general. I still have a dream in which I bring as many of these people back together in my life and we share once again our passions, dreams and ambitions. It was never my intention to close myself off from them or lose contact with them. It is something that just happened over time and distance. Though I have been sporadic in my contact with them. I am hoping that by reaching out now as I have been doing that I will at least get the chance to see each and every one of them again. As I have been posting for weeks now, my 50th birthday will soon be upon us. My hope and wish is that from my 50th birthday onward to find as many of these past friends and acquaintances and put back together my extended family. I am not sure where or how this is going happen yet, but I am hoping that it will present itself in the near future.
But as I started this post about insomnia I guess I should explain what is actually happening to me, and it seems to be getting worse instead of better. In the 1990's and 2000's I was introduced to Meth and was mainly a smoker of the drug until much later. Sleep and being a night owl were always a thing of mine, but I never really had a problem falling asleep till recently when I came back to Florida in 2012. Now it seems like I cannot sleep at night at all. I can nap during the day but as soon as the sun goes down I am up and restless the whole night through. You would be amazed and surprised at all the movies I watch on my computer. I am also writing more in my blog which is a good thing actually. It is more for my benefit than anyone else's at this point. It helps me sort out my feelings and is a good coping mechanism for my anxiety and helps keep me from falling head long into depression.
I am not sure if the insomnia is a psychological issue or if it is something that has become a habit that has been ingrained into my pattern and is something that I am going to have to fight to break out of. It really makes it hard to go to doctor appointments in the morning when I am up all night, then I am tired all the next day. For the past 5 days I have been feeling terrible and I have been sleeping almost the whole day through. But, as I laid down again this evening thoughts of everyone kept crowding my mind and I am wondering what has been happening with them and where are the all right now, are they safe, are they struggling and what is it that they need or are doing and it has kept my brain going crazy. I had a totally different post planned about insomnia when I sat down at the computer and now this is what has hit the screen. I am thinking that I am going to change the title to searching for my lost family and see how it is received.
I miss Xavier, Sterling, Madison, Vito, Sa'corey, Nathan, Bobby, Kodi, Joe, Scotter, Peanut, Cam, and Robert. All of them were my extended family and each of them brought something into my life that non of the others did. There were others like Gregg, Mike, Mike Z, Brad, Heather, William, Max, Norico, Isis, and so many others that I just can't name them all. Tonight I am sitting here at my computer and I am thinking about all of you guys, and the ones that we lost like Linda, and Mike Rose and a few of the others. Life has not been the same for me since I left Atlanta, and I miss my friends and family and I wish nothing more than the best for all of you and I hope that you are doing well and are successful in whatever endeavors your are involved in. But I miss my place in your life and I miss your friendship and your love. I wold love to have a chance to make up for all the mistakes I made and have you all around me to celebrate my 50th birthday that is coming up.
There are many of you who have been in and out of my life for years and you know how much you all mean to me and that I want only the best for you and hope that you. I will continue to reach out to the past and try and reconnect with as many of these people as I can and hope that life is treating them better than it has been for me. But I don't know what the future holds and life is too short for me to plan anything more than just telling you that I love you all and I want you all to be happy and healthy and that I would like to see you all again. I would like to bring the entire family back together again and see if the world isn't better and kinder to us this time around. I am done with the drugs that drove me away from getting close to many of you as I wanted to and tore us totally apart in the end and it is one of the many reasons that I left Atlanta to begin with. I have been looking at my past and wishing there was a way to change what I had done. But the truth of the matter is if I did go back I wouldn't be the same person I am today without our challenges and interactions that we had. I needed to move on for the time that I did and maybe it is time for me to come back home and try and mend the broken fences and lives as best as I can. Life is too short for regrets and grudges, it is time to let them go and see what we can build from the dust of our past and see what the future has in store for us.
I hope that some of you read this and know just how much I care about you all and how much you all mean to me. If it wasn't for you all I wouldn't be here today. I would have left this world a long time ago. I love you and miss you all very much.
Uncle B
I have been reaching out to friends from the past trying to reconnect with them, once I had my heart attack in July I began to realize how important those people were and are too me. Yet, I have talked to a few, I can't seem to get them all to communicate with me on a regular basis. So instead of sleeping at night now my thoughts have turned to them and I am worried about them and wonder what they are each up too. I must admit that I feel responsible in a major way for each of them. At one point or another they were in my life as a partner, boyfriend or lover and I am wondering if they are suffering and going through many of the same things that I went through.
I wonder if they are lonely, suffering, going through recovery, or are still stuck in the Vampire life that I have left behind. Many of these individuals I introduced to the world of the needle and at one point one of the people I was associated with called me the angel of Death. I often wonder if that name might not be appropriate. I cannot change what I did in the past, but I never once stopped caring about any of the people who I dated or were in my life. The world of meth and it's culture is something that I have been intimately associated with for the last 20 years or more. I have met a score of people, shared my home with them, my drugs, and life with them. As more and more of my peer group is disappearing to death, drugs and disease I worry more for them then ever before. I want to rekindle those past friendships and relationships and see what has become of them. I am not proud of the person I was, but I am not ashamed because of it either.
Because of my past experiences I have met so many wonderful, unique and quality individuals that have left a huge impact on my life and have taught me so very much about myself and humanity in general. I still have a dream in which I bring as many of these people back together in my life and we share once again our passions, dreams and ambitions. It was never my intention to close myself off from them or lose contact with them. It is something that just happened over time and distance. Though I have been sporadic in my contact with them. I am hoping that by reaching out now as I have been doing that I will at least get the chance to see each and every one of them again. As I have been posting for weeks now, my 50th birthday will soon be upon us. My hope and wish is that from my 50th birthday onward to find as many of these past friends and acquaintances and put back together my extended family. I am not sure where or how this is going happen yet, but I am hoping that it will present itself in the near future.
But as I started this post about insomnia I guess I should explain what is actually happening to me, and it seems to be getting worse instead of better. In the 1990's and 2000's I was introduced to Meth and was mainly a smoker of the drug until much later. Sleep and being a night owl were always a thing of mine, but I never really had a problem falling asleep till recently when I came back to Florida in 2012. Now it seems like I cannot sleep at night at all. I can nap during the day but as soon as the sun goes down I am up and restless the whole night through. You would be amazed and surprised at all the movies I watch on my computer. I am also writing more in my blog which is a good thing actually. It is more for my benefit than anyone else's at this point. It helps me sort out my feelings and is a good coping mechanism for my anxiety and helps keep me from falling head long into depression.
I am not sure if the insomnia is a psychological issue or if it is something that has become a habit that has been ingrained into my pattern and is something that I am going to have to fight to break out of. It really makes it hard to go to doctor appointments in the morning when I am up all night, then I am tired all the next day. For the past 5 days I have been feeling terrible and I have been sleeping almost the whole day through. But, as I laid down again this evening thoughts of everyone kept crowding my mind and I am wondering what has been happening with them and where are the all right now, are they safe, are they struggling and what is it that they need or are doing and it has kept my brain going crazy. I had a totally different post planned about insomnia when I sat down at the computer and now this is what has hit the screen. I am thinking that I am going to change the title to searching for my lost family and see how it is received.
I miss Xavier, Sterling, Madison, Vito, Sa'corey, Nathan, Bobby, Kodi, Joe, Scotter, Peanut, Cam, and Robert. All of them were my extended family and each of them brought something into my life that non of the others did. There were others like Gregg, Mike, Mike Z, Brad, Heather, William, Max, Norico, Isis, and so many others that I just can't name them all. Tonight I am sitting here at my computer and I am thinking about all of you guys, and the ones that we lost like Linda, and Mike Rose and a few of the others. Life has not been the same for me since I left Atlanta, and I miss my friends and family and I wish nothing more than the best for all of you and I hope that you are doing well and are successful in whatever endeavors your are involved in. But I miss my place in your life and I miss your friendship and your love. I wold love to have a chance to make up for all the mistakes I made and have you all around me to celebrate my 50th birthday that is coming up.
There are many of you who have been in and out of my life for years and you know how much you all mean to me and that I want only the best for you and hope that you. I will continue to reach out to the past and try and reconnect with as many of these people as I can and hope that life is treating them better than it has been for me. But I don't know what the future holds and life is too short for me to plan anything more than just telling you that I love you all and I want you all to be happy and healthy and that I would like to see you all again. I would like to bring the entire family back together again and see if the world isn't better and kinder to us this time around. I am done with the drugs that drove me away from getting close to many of you as I wanted to and tore us totally apart in the end and it is one of the many reasons that I left Atlanta to begin with. I have been looking at my past and wishing there was a way to change what I had done. But the truth of the matter is if I did go back I wouldn't be the same person I am today without our challenges and interactions that we had. I needed to move on for the time that I did and maybe it is time for me to come back home and try and mend the broken fences and lives as best as I can. Life is too short for regrets and grudges, it is time to let them go and see what we can build from the dust of our past and see what the future has in store for us.
I hope that some of you read this and know just how much I care about you all and how much you all mean to me. If it wasn't for you all I wouldn't be here today. I would have left this world a long time ago. I love you and miss you all very much.
Uncle B
Thursday, March 31, 2016
Extend yourself
We cannot choose who our family is, but that doesn't mean that you should just give up. Families are the toughest of all relationships and can try your patience at the best of times and down right piss you off at the worst. Like it or not you are stuck with them. But just because you are stuck with them doesn't limit your options on what type of relationship you have or how close. Let's face it families are dysfunctional and often hold you to a different standard than they do other people. Sometimes, everything runs smoothly and others it can be a total uphill battle all the way.
Often a tragedy can tear a family apart and no matter how hard you try sometimes that hole just can't be mended. My family was very close up until my grandmother passed away, once that happened the family drifted apart and years went by before lines of communication were once again tried. Unfortunately, for the most part those attempts failed and my father's side of the family splintered. A majority of the family remained in Pennsylvania while others moved away. Facebook has become a way that I can keep track of some of the things that are going on with that side of the family. Though not every member has an account, nor do they talk to me other than in passing. I would assume that much of that has to do with my being gay and living so far away from them.
Now, my grandparents on my mother's side of the family have both passed. My grandmother died first when I had just graduated high school, my grandfather more recently. However, once my grandfather died my uncle turned very ugly towards my mother and tried to take everything that my grandfather left her. This caused a huge rift that has never been mended, as a matter of fact my mother and her brother have not spoken since then. Death can cause all sorts of ill feelings to come out, and there is always someone that feels that they deserve more than they got. The truth of the matter is they didn't work for it, they didn't earn it, and whatever they got they should cherish, because at least they were thought of and not forgotten. But, family dynamics are far from predictable.
No one is perfect, and siblings and parent can be harder on you and push you to your absolute limit. However, as I have learned each of us can have an extended family, people that are like minded and accept you as you are. Over the years I have cultivated and crafted my own unique group of brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles that are not related by blood, but by mindset and attitude. These are the true friends that have stood by me through everything that I have been through, helped me pick up the pieces of my life when it has fallen apart. They are the ones that have encouraged me and given me the moral support I needed when my health turned bad. The are also the ones that have told me exactly how that felt, they have always been upfront and honest with me, no matter how much it hurt. These are the friends that you need in your corner. These are the ones that call you out on your bullshit and foolishness, and the same ones that are your cheering squad when you are on the right track and doing good.
Life doesn't give you any guaranties and you never know what might happen tomorrow. So many people come through our lives and it is hard to know which ones are just there for a time or there to stay. Think about it like this people are like dandelions that once their blooms fade away a puffy seed is sprouted that take flight on the breeze, They drift and float driven by the whims and currents of the wind some of these seeds finally reach fertile ground and they spring roots and there they grow and become a new plant. As an acquaintances come and go as if they are blown by the wind, but a few of these souls will actually take root and a friendship will grow and eventually bloom.
You would be amazed at how many individuals that I have come across that are only out for themselves and they had me in their sights to use and take advantage of. I have been fooled on several occasions and have been hurt and abused, but we have to go through the bad to find the good ones. Believe it or not there are still good people out there in the world, and if you are vigilant you will find them. Any relationship that is toxic needs to be done away with, whether it is a family relationship or a friendship. If it is hurting you then you need to let it go and move on.
Families can be the most toxic of relationships if you let them. No matter the circumstance, if they are not building you up and being supportive then I say cut them and let them be. Find some way in which to have a relationship even if it is through Facebook or email. Family is family, they are your blood. and they can hurt so much more deeply than anyone else you might come across.
I would leave you with this one piece of advice. Extend yourself, create your own support structure and network with like minded people that care and nurture you. I think you will find yourself in a much brighter and happier place. There is nothing wrong with a family of your own creation that supplements the one that you were born with.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Often a tragedy can tear a family apart and no matter how hard you try sometimes that hole just can't be mended. My family was very close up until my grandmother passed away, once that happened the family drifted apart and years went by before lines of communication were once again tried. Unfortunately, for the most part those attempts failed and my father's side of the family splintered. A majority of the family remained in Pennsylvania while others moved away. Facebook has become a way that I can keep track of some of the things that are going on with that side of the family. Though not every member has an account, nor do they talk to me other than in passing. I would assume that much of that has to do with my being gay and living so far away from them.
Now, my grandparents on my mother's side of the family have both passed. My grandmother died first when I had just graduated high school, my grandfather more recently. However, once my grandfather died my uncle turned very ugly towards my mother and tried to take everything that my grandfather left her. This caused a huge rift that has never been mended, as a matter of fact my mother and her brother have not spoken since then. Death can cause all sorts of ill feelings to come out, and there is always someone that feels that they deserve more than they got. The truth of the matter is they didn't work for it, they didn't earn it, and whatever they got they should cherish, because at least they were thought of and not forgotten. But, family dynamics are far from predictable.
No one is perfect, and siblings and parent can be harder on you and push you to your absolute limit. However, as I have learned each of us can have an extended family, people that are like minded and accept you as you are. Over the years I have cultivated and crafted my own unique group of brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles that are not related by blood, but by mindset and attitude. These are the true friends that have stood by me through everything that I have been through, helped me pick up the pieces of my life when it has fallen apart. They are the ones that have encouraged me and given me the moral support I needed when my health turned bad. The are also the ones that have told me exactly how that felt, they have always been upfront and honest with me, no matter how much it hurt. These are the friends that you need in your corner. These are the ones that call you out on your bullshit and foolishness, and the same ones that are your cheering squad when you are on the right track and doing good.
Life doesn't give you any guaranties and you never know what might happen tomorrow. So many people come through our lives and it is hard to know which ones are just there for a time or there to stay. Think about it like this people are like dandelions that once their blooms fade away a puffy seed is sprouted that take flight on the breeze, They drift and float driven by the whims and currents of the wind some of these seeds finally reach fertile ground and they spring roots and there they grow and become a new plant. As an acquaintances come and go as if they are blown by the wind, but a few of these souls will actually take root and a friendship will grow and eventually bloom.
You would be amazed at how many individuals that I have come across that are only out for themselves and they had me in their sights to use and take advantage of. I have been fooled on several occasions and have been hurt and abused, but we have to go through the bad to find the good ones. Believe it or not there are still good people out there in the world, and if you are vigilant you will find them. Any relationship that is toxic needs to be done away with, whether it is a family relationship or a friendship. If it is hurting you then you need to let it go and move on.
Families can be the most toxic of relationships if you let them. No matter the circumstance, if they are not building you up and being supportive then I say cut them and let them be. Find some way in which to have a relationship even if it is through Facebook or email. Family is family, they are your blood. and they can hurt so much more deeply than anyone else you might come across.
I would leave you with this one piece of advice. Extend yourself, create your own support structure and network with like minded people that care and nurture you. I think you will find yourself in a much brighter and happier place. There is nothing wrong with a family of your own creation that supplements the one that you were born with.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Sunday, December 21, 2014
What is the Christmas Spirit all about?
After watching the Librarians tonight on TNT I began to really understand the power and spirit of Christmas. Saint Nick's power comes from all around the world. He collects that magical moments and love that are displayed throughout the whole year and at Christmas time when the spirit is the lowest and despair creeps in Saint Nick travels the world and delivers love, hope, faith and anything else that is needed.
Sometimes, it might be a Christmas wish, other times it might be the courage to put down that point and walk away from meth. It maybe the need strength that the Alcoholic needs to put down the bottle or that person thinking about suicide to walk away and live. All these things are what Christmas Spirit is all about.
People don't understand me. They don't get me, and most of the time the miss the big picture. Everywhere I go I spread love joy and hope. I go back to the nursing home and I give back to those that took the time and encouraged me to go further than I thought I ever could. I was pushed, I was made to think and achieve things that I thought impossible. I never once believed them when I was told that I would never walk again and with the help of my physical therapist Grace and her assistant Dewayne, I am out of the wheel chair within 3 weeks and I have never gone back.
No matter where I go I always reach out my hand and help those around me that I can. It doesn't matter what life they lead, what they have done in the past and where they are headed. I have been as my grandmother called it an Angel on Earth. I bring comfort, peace and compassion with me where ever I go. My time on earth is running very low and I know that a great burden is going to be past on. I know that my nephew Kodi is ready for this, even though he doesn't think he is and by his will and strength alone I believe he has kept me here on this earth. Before he moved he told me and begged me to not let the burden pass to him until he was ready. I have seen his journey and I am so very proud of him.
He definitely turned into the man that I dreamed he would be. He has been faithful and loving and though all relationships have problems him and his girlfriend Annie has managed to keep it going and now their lives are going to be filled with a new life. My line has not ended and the power that God has granted me will be passed on to my nephew. His mother was my half sister, but when he came to me at the age of 13 I never thought of him as anything less than my own son. He has been trained and he knows how I have operated my entire life. He will find his own way to use the power that is going to be passed on to him. He is a special person and anyone who has met him will know what I mean.
So what does all of this have to do with the Spirit of Christmas? Am I am claiming that I am Saint Nick? No I am not him, I wish I had his job it is much easier than the path that I was given. Kodi will have it so much easier because he will have families and children to help that is the path that I see for him. God selected me to live and walk with the prostitutes and drug dealers. I have saved many, lost a few and even one in the last week. I am saddened by the loss. Kodi would know him as Rob the boot camp trainer that he met so long ago, and the guy that took him to school when we lived over on Buford Highway.
So why am I talking about this? What does it have to do with Christmas spirit. Well let me tell you. Every person I help, every life I encounter and interact with is enriched, changed and never is the same again. I have to say that even though I spent a long time in the nursing home they were all sad to see me leave, and are so excited when I come back and visit. You see I come and see those that have no family, have no visitors, who are shut-ins and left behind. I bring them the love that is in my heart and I spend time with each of them. There is not a one of the people in that home that I haven't met, who doesn't know who I am and whose life I have not touched in some way.
As God would have it I had a voice in my head telling me to go to the nursing home a couple of Sunday's ago, I wasn't feeling well, but I listened to that voice and I was able to see Jeanine Jacobs, I was granted the ability to tell her that I loved her and spend some time with her. See she died that following Wednesday, and the sad part was she thought she was getting better and was going home on Friday and she passed away on Wednesday. I miss her a lot and I give thanks to God that I was able to tell her that I loved her and was glad to see her before she parted this world.
Christmas Spirit is the spirit of love, it gifts those with special gifts the ability to help, guide and even manipulate and change the fate of those around them. We never interfere unless asked, and we never do anything against another persons will or wishes. Some of us are gifted with the ability to change life's just by being in them. Kodi and I come from a long line of Guardians and we have the ability to do all of the things that I have mentioned above. Just by being in someone's life we can change if for the better. Though often times we are selves are struggling and having hardships the ones we care about around us are doing better. I have been rich, I have been poor, I have been happy and I have had my share of hardships. But, I am very rarely a negative person and I am the type of person that other positive people gravitate towards. The love and family spirit, the gift giving and the magic of Christmas is increased at the end of the year because it is the one point in the year when the magic of earth is at the lowest.
Which is why we make resolutions on New Year's because the residual magic of Christmas is still lingering and can make those resolutions come true, the secret to that is being 100 percent open and honest with yourself. You will see that this time of year is the time when Families get together all around the world and the love that is shared is poured into the earth and allows people like me to do my job the rest of the year long.
Upon my death my gifts', abilities and premonitions will be passed on to the heir and since the only child I have ever had was my sisters the gifts shall fall too him. He is more ready then he knows and I have faith that he will be a better and stronger Guardian than I ever was. He will be remembered and just as I will live on in him, he will live on in the lives of those he touches. None of us ever truly leave the earth, we are kept alive in the memories of those whose live we have touched, interacted with and have changed.
My grandfather told me that a man doesn't leave his mark upon the world by how much he accumulates, how much money, property and wealth he has, but by how many lives he has touched and how many people will remember him when he is gone. I believe that this to be true and solid and I hope that I will be remembered always.
Before I close this post I thought I would sneak in what the definition of what a Guardian is. Much like the Masons, Elks, and other societies you have to be indoctrinated into it. You become part of it by being invited in by the head priestess or you are born into the order because of the lineage of your family. Kodi, Kevin, Eric and Myself are the last of the Guardian line in my immediate family, and though I lost touch with my cousin Eric over the years I know he has 12 kids and at least 2 of them will have the power and gift that my grandmother passed on to him and me both. My brother Kevin is focused in his world and already doing his part. He cannot inherit my gifts it doesn't work that way when he already has his own. My gifts will add to the natural gifts of Kodi and he will be more than he is. It will be confusing at times and hard to understand, but like me he will figure out the best use for his gifts and will be able to make changes in the world. A Guardian is neither Good nor Evil. We are balancers of the between the two. A Guardian never lets good get the upper hand on Evil and vice versus. We are punished for certain reasons, which I will not put in here, but Kodi knows.
So there you have it.
What is the Christmas Spirit all about? Bringing families together in love and joy, to spread the bond of love and magic and make it last the entire year. Guardians help move the power of this love magic along and influence when and where we can.
As always you hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Sometimes, it might be a Christmas wish, other times it might be the courage to put down that point and walk away from meth. It maybe the need strength that the Alcoholic needs to put down the bottle or that person thinking about suicide to walk away and live. All these things are what Christmas Spirit is all about.
People don't understand me. They don't get me, and most of the time the miss the big picture. Everywhere I go I spread love joy and hope. I go back to the nursing home and I give back to those that took the time and encouraged me to go further than I thought I ever could. I was pushed, I was made to think and achieve things that I thought impossible. I never once believed them when I was told that I would never walk again and with the help of my physical therapist Grace and her assistant Dewayne, I am out of the wheel chair within 3 weeks and I have never gone back.
No matter where I go I always reach out my hand and help those around me that I can. It doesn't matter what life they lead, what they have done in the past and where they are headed. I have been as my grandmother called it an Angel on Earth. I bring comfort, peace and compassion with me where ever I go. My time on earth is running very low and I know that a great burden is going to be past on. I know that my nephew Kodi is ready for this, even though he doesn't think he is and by his will and strength alone I believe he has kept me here on this earth. Before he moved he told me and begged me to not let the burden pass to him until he was ready. I have seen his journey and I am so very proud of him.
He definitely turned into the man that I dreamed he would be. He has been faithful and loving and though all relationships have problems him and his girlfriend Annie has managed to keep it going and now their lives are going to be filled with a new life. My line has not ended and the power that God has granted me will be passed on to my nephew. His mother was my half sister, but when he came to me at the age of 13 I never thought of him as anything less than my own son. He has been trained and he knows how I have operated my entire life. He will find his own way to use the power that is going to be passed on to him. He is a special person and anyone who has met him will know what I mean.
So what does all of this have to do with the Spirit of Christmas? Am I am claiming that I am Saint Nick? No I am not him, I wish I had his job it is much easier than the path that I was given. Kodi will have it so much easier because he will have families and children to help that is the path that I see for him. God selected me to live and walk with the prostitutes and drug dealers. I have saved many, lost a few and even one in the last week. I am saddened by the loss. Kodi would know him as Rob the boot camp trainer that he met so long ago, and the guy that took him to school when we lived over on Buford Highway.
So why am I talking about this? What does it have to do with Christmas spirit. Well let me tell you. Every person I help, every life I encounter and interact with is enriched, changed and never is the same again. I have to say that even though I spent a long time in the nursing home they were all sad to see me leave, and are so excited when I come back and visit. You see I come and see those that have no family, have no visitors, who are shut-ins and left behind. I bring them the love that is in my heart and I spend time with each of them. There is not a one of the people in that home that I haven't met, who doesn't know who I am and whose life I have not touched in some way.
As God would have it I had a voice in my head telling me to go to the nursing home a couple of Sunday's ago, I wasn't feeling well, but I listened to that voice and I was able to see Jeanine Jacobs, I was granted the ability to tell her that I loved her and spend some time with her. See she died that following Wednesday, and the sad part was she thought she was getting better and was going home on Friday and she passed away on Wednesday. I miss her a lot and I give thanks to God that I was able to tell her that I loved her and was glad to see her before she parted this world.
Christmas Spirit is the spirit of love, it gifts those with special gifts the ability to help, guide and even manipulate and change the fate of those around them. We never interfere unless asked, and we never do anything against another persons will or wishes. Some of us are gifted with the ability to change life's just by being in them. Kodi and I come from a long line of Guardians and we have the ability to do all of the things that I have mentioned above. Just by being in someone's life we can change if for the better. Though often times we are selves are struggling and having hardships the ones we care about around us are doing better. I have been rich, I have been poor, I have been happy and I have had my share of hardships. But, I am very rarely a negative person and I am the type of person that other positive people gravitate towards. The love and family spirit, the gift giving and the magic of Christmas is increased at the end of the year because it is the one point in the year when the magic of earth is at the lowest.
Which is why we make resolutions on New Year's because the residual magic of Christmas is still lingering and can make those resolutions come true, the secret to that is being 100 percent open and honest with yourself. You will see that this time of year is the time when Families get together all around the world and the love that is shared is poured into the earth and allows people like me to do my job the rest of the year long.
Upon my death my gifts', abilities and premonitions will be passed on to the heir and since the only child I have ever had was my sisters the gifts shall fall too him. He is more ready then he knows and I have faith that he will be a better and stronger Guardian than I ever was. He will be remembered and just as I will live on in him, he will live on in the lives of those he touches. None of us ever truly leave the earth, we are kept alive in the memories of those whose live we have touched, interacted with and have changed.
My grandfather told me that a man doesn't leave his mark upon the world by how much he accumulates, how much money, property and wealth he has, but by how many lives he has touched and how many people will remember him when he is gone. I believe that this to be true and solid and I hope that I will be remembered always.
Before I close this post I thought I would sneak in what the definition of what a Guardian is. Much like the Masons, Elks, and other societies you have to be indoctrinated into it. You become part of it by being invited in by the head priestess or you are born into the order because of the lineage of your family. Kodi, Kevin, Eric and Myself are the last of the Guardian line in my immediate family, and though I lost touch with my cousin Eric over the years I know he has 12 kids and at least 2 of them will have the power and gift that my grandmother passed on to him and me both. My brother Kevin is focused in his world and already doing his part. He cannot inherit my gifts it doesn't work that way when he already has his own. My gifts will add to the natural gifts of Kodi and he will be more than he is. It will be confusing at times and hard to understand, but like me he will figure out the best use for his gifts and will be able to make changes in the world. A Guardian is neither Good nor Evil. We are balancers of the between the two. A Guardian never lets good get the upper hand on Evil and vice versus. We are punished for certain reasons, which I will not put in here, but Kodi knows.
So there you have it.
What is the Christmas Spirit all about? Bringing families together in love and joy, to spread the bond of love and magic and make it last the entire year. Guardians help move the power of this love magic along and influence when and where we can.
As always you hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Monday, November 18, 2013
Not being able to sleep a lot on my mind
Sorry I haven't written much this week. I am still overwhelmed by what has been happening in my life. At least part of it has been sort of resolved, my bf is back home finally. He was gone for a minute and it was a lot to deal with especially with what has been happening with my mother. Apparently around September 6 my mother was admitted to the hospital. She was having severe pain in her back and down her legs. As of the 7th she couldn't walk at all, something was pushing on her spinal cord and her legs wouldn't respond.
She is a strong woman but this has really gotten too her, she stayed in the hospital for a week and was transferred to a nursing home and has been there till Friday when they transported her to another hospital an hour away from where she lives. They have found a tumor on her spine and an abnormal growth. Right now I am not sure what any of this means. But she is telling me that she may never be able to have surgery or be strong enough with her many other problems to survive the chemotherapy and other treatments they are wanting to give her.
While my bf was gone I spent a lot of money trying to keep in contact with him that I am not sure I have funds to drop everything I am doing and go up there, however, I feel just plain awful about that. I feel she needs me and I should be there, but there is so much on my plate right now. I am trying to start my own treatments and get the liver biopsy done, as well as handle other personal matters, that keep me running across the state and the country.
One of my best friends called me yesterday and wants me to come and help him move, this is right before I am supposed to go out of town with Kerry. I have tried to talk to my dad about what is going on and how I am feeling overwhelmed and like I am drowning with everything that is happening. He just told me that I can't save the whole world and I have to do what I have to do to survive and everyone else must fend for themselves.
For those of you that know me this is a hard pill for me to swallow, however, yesterday has been very strenuous for me, because once again I felt abandoned and left alone. I have no one to lean on or confide in. I don't understand why I have to be the strong one that everyone depends upon. When will I have someone that I can lean on and depend on? I thought that I had that but every time something comes up in my life that is hard or devastating I seem to be sitting in the room all alone. What a feeling!!
So here I sit at 3:23 in the morning writing in my blog because I have no one to talk to about the things going on in my life. It seems like I have nothing and no one and I have to stand alone and face all of it by myself. Again what a feeling! It shouldn't be this way, I am in a relationship, why isn't he here for me to talk to and cry on his shoulder? Good question! And one that I don't have the answer too.
I have been sitting around all day with all sorts of thoughts going through my head, not knowing what is actually going on anywhere. The only one filling me in on my mother is her best friend and she is trying to spare my feelings knowing that I cannot be up there with my mother at this time. I have tried to be a good son.
I am so sad and frustrated this morning, I don't know which way to turn!
Please pray for me. There is so much other stuff that is going on in my life that I can't put it in here right now because I don't want to upset anyone else...
She is a strong woman but this has really gotten too her, she stayed in the hospital for a week and was transferred to a nursing home and has been there till Friday when they transported her to another hospital an hour away from where she lives. They have found a tumor on her spine and an abnormal growth. Right now I am not sure what any of this means. But she is telling me that she may never be able to have surgery or be strong enough with her many other problems to survive the chemotherapy and other treatments they are wanting to give her.
While my bf was gone I spent a lot of money trying to keep in contact with him that I am not sure I have funds to drop everything I am doing and go up there, however, I feel just plain awful about that. I feel she needs me and I should be there, but there is so much on my plate right now. I am trying to start my own treatments and get the liver biopsy done, as well as handle other personal matters, that keep me running across the state and the country.
One of my best friends called me yesterday and wants me to come and help him move, this is right before I am supposed to go out of town with Kerry. I have tried to talk to my dad about what is going on and how I am feeling overwhelmed and like I am drowning with everything that is happening. He just told me that I can't save the whole world and I have to do what I have to do to survive and everyone else must fend for themselves.
For those of you that know me this is a hard pill for me to swallow, however, yesterday has been very strenuous for me, because once again I felt abandoned and left alone. I have no one to lean on or confide in. I don't understand why I have to be the strong one that everyone depends upon. When will I have someone that I can lean on and depend on? I thought that I had that but every time something comes up in my life that is hard or devastating I seem to be sitting in the room all alone. What a feeling!!
So here I sit at 3:23 in the morning writing in my blog because I have no one to talk to about the things going on in my life. It seems like I have nothing and no one and I have to stand alone and face all of it by myself. Again what a feeling! It shouldn't be this way, I am in a relationship, why isn't he here for me to talk to and cry on his shoulder? Good question! And one that I don't have the answer too.
I have been sitting around all day with all sorts of thoughts going through my head, not knowing what is actually going on anywhere. The only one filling me in on my mother is her best friend and she is trying to spare my feelings knowing that I cannot be up there with my mother at this time. I have tried to be a good son.
I am so sad and frustrated this morning, I don't know which way to turn!
Please pray for me. There is so much other stuff that is going on in my life that I can't put it in here right now because I don't want to upset anyone else...
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
December 19th Status Update
As 2012 draws to a close, I have to tell you that I have a new family, that has opened their hearts and home to me and accepted me with open arms. They have done everything they can to make me feel like I am a part of their family and special. For someone that hasn't actually enjoyed Christmas or the holidays in many many years, this has been a big shock and surprise. Since coming out to California my life has been filled with such joy and happiness that it is hard to contain. God has been so good to me this past year, has brought me such loving and caring friends both in Florida and in California that I can hardly believe how lucky I have been. Everyone one of us has a story, something that we had to face and come through in 2012 and here we are we have made it. There have been people that have inspired us, motivated us and given us the strength to push onward even when it seemed the darkest. This holiday season take the time to reach out to those that have been around you and by your side, give them the praise that you feel in your heart. Tell them how much you appreciate them, and all that they have done for you. None of us could have made it through this year without our support group, our family and friends that stood by us in our times of trouble and despair. These are the ones that have made it possible for you to look back and marvel at all that you have endured and come through and deserve the highest praise.
Though I can't put everyone's story out there I want to point out a few that have inspired me and given me hope for a brighter tomorrow and a happier future. These are stories that show strength, compassion and love. These are fighters that even when the toughest of times seemed too much to bear they pushed ever onward and have come through. I know a lot of you think that I am something of an inspiration through everything that I have come through, but I have a dear friend that lost her husband of many many years, who opened up her heart and her home to let me come out to visit. She has started to live again and with just a little visit and several hugs brought Christmas back into my life. Then there is her daughter who I have been close to since she was 8 years old that told me what was happening and wanted me to come. These two have shown me what the meaning of Christmas is all about, love, hope, happiness and joy, even inspite of troubles. Here is the unique thing about me and my friend, whenever we are apart our energies and lives seem to get off track and turned upside down, most of the time a phone call between us will straighten out our course, though sometimes it takes a bit more like a visit. I can tell you that since being here I haven't felt this good and strong in a long time. The depression and despair that had seemed to fall over the house quickly evaporated once I got here. Now with the Christmas tree up and house all decorated it seems like life is finally coming back to the house. Then there is my friend and partner who while I was going through my own health crisis's and issues in Florida was going through his own all the way across the country. Even though at times he wasn't sure about "Us" or "Me", we made it through and are together. Speaking of him, he just had neuro-surgery just two weeks ago, and what a boost to his self-confidence and self-esteem it has been. I haven't ever seen him this happy or excited since I have met him. Another friend of mine found himself in a horrible living situation that did nothing but weigh him down and destroyed his health. Yet, through it all he maintained a positive outlook and repeatedly demonstrated his strength of character in all of his emails and Facebook postings. It takes a strong person to endure circumstances like that, and to do it with such grace and love it has truly been inspiring. I am also wanting to mention my new family Voncellar, CeCe and Mary, thank you so much for being the greatest influence on your son/brother/grandson, and accepting me whole-heartedly into your family making this one of the best Christmas's ever! Then there are my friends at the Positive Champions Speakers Bureau who have been there with me through every hospitalization, every health crisis and personal /emotional crisis I have gone through this year. Even though each of them had their own health issues, and problems they made me feel accepted and part of their circle. Thank you guys you don't know how much you all mean to me. You are my family!
I know times are tough, money is tight, and Christmas this year might not be as perfect as you want it to be, just know that Life doesn't always seem to work out as it is planned or pictured. It can be better or worse depending on your point of view. Even non perfect circumstances can bring contentment and happiness. Though we may wish for the perfect picture of our minds eye, understanding that you just might not get it makes it that much easier to accept. I have often been filled with disappointments by not understanding this little concept, but this year I have a whole new set of eyes and a brand new understanding of how things truly are. We have to make our own happiness, our own perfect moments, don't wait around for life to give them too you. If you do, you will be closed off to new and wondrous things that are out there waiting for you. Understanding this will also help you to understand that even though you aren't exactly where you want to be, you are exactly where you are supposed to be. Nothing worth having comes easy. It is the stuff that you have to work hard for and struggle with that are the things you treasure the most. As this year ends make sure you ring it out with good cheer and a song in your heart. Let go of the past, surrender yourself to the future, take that leap of faith and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are going to be happier and more successful in the new year than you ever have been before.
Even as I am getting ready to close this entry, a miracle of life has been granted to my family. We are welcoming our newest member born just a few minutes ago a new nephew. A new year, and a new life, what better symbol of hope can there be!
I love you all and wish you a very happy holiday season. Make sure you give praise to those that deserve it, cordiality to those that don't and share the joy and happiness of Christmas and New Years with all around you.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Monday, October 1, 2012
Why are some of us travelers and others are builders? Even today we still have our nomads..read and see what I mean
Well for those of you who are avid readers of my blog you will note that September was an awful month for me with tons of set backs and of course the blog suffered for it greatly. As many of you are aware I took an unexpected trip to Atlanta that didn't turn out at all as was planned or expected. However, I will say that a few decent things came out of the trip, some are note worthy and will be explored more in-depth here in the annals of blogdom. However for today's entry I want to take you on the trip that I had to see the doctor this morning. Because for some reason on these trips is when my brain seems to go into hyper-drive and I think of some of the most obscure and deep rooted thoughts. Maybe it is the open road and my love to travel that opens my mind up to the inner and outer awareness and consciousness that I need to focus my mind and intellect into.
Whatever the reason, I took it into my head to explore my incessant need to move around to not plant roots of a lasting sort. While it is true that in my younger years I was content to grow as Orlando grew, I soon realized that there was much more to the world than my little pond and I wanted to see it and explore it first hand. I believe it is for that reason alone that I joined the Navy right after high school and was disappointed with the fact that I got assigned to a ship that was in dry dock and undergoing refit for active duty. The last time my ship had seen any action was for a few years during the Korean War. She had been mothballed shortly after WWII and was activated for a brief tour during the Korean War only to be put back away in the Naval shipyards once more. It wasn't until President Reagan decided that we needed a 600 ship fleet to protect our country that the mothballs were put away and she was rolled back into active duty. I was fortunate to be a member of the precommissioning unit, and was made a plank owner of the U.S.S. Wisconsin (BB-64) the last of the Iowa class battleships. Being a plank owner gives you certain rights and a piece of history to boot. We were each given a piece of the original teak deck and our names are forever written in the history books as members of the team that brought the old girl back to life.
My need for travel and the exploring of the world would have to wait for several years but it was worth the wait I can tell you. I experienced a different sort of Navy than most traditional sailors. I was made a flag member of the MWR team (Morale, Welfare and Recreation) I had the captain, command Master Chief and the XO's ears, I had meetings with Admirals and other Captains and did things that no other 20 year olds can claim to have done. I got to travel before the ship to exotic ports and set up recreational activities for the crew and I had a power that was unparalleled. I came in on the ground floor of the movement and was in charge of everything. It was hard to leave that post and move on, yet I did. Only to head back to it over and over again throughout my career. I received a Navy Achievement medal for my conduct and activities and my name was well known throughout the Navy. I parlayed the networking skills that I learned in the Navy to different occupations I held after I got out and I can't complain, I did pretty well for myself all things considered.
But, my story doesn't end there, I returned to Orlando after the Navy to battle cancer, but was only there for a short time before I moved on to the big city life of Atlanta. I found myself working for different Governor's and holding quite of bit of power for a little time. However, as all good things do it passed. I got sick again with Cancer and Radiation disease from my treatments with the first bout of cancer. In the blink of an eye everything I had worked for and built up disappeared around me. This was the first time that I realized how fragile and fleeting life can be. But also how wondrous and fulfilling it can be at the same time. See, I learned that a person can live a lifetime in just 10 short years and accomplish things that take others a lifetime to build. I also saw how fast it all can disappear depending on the situation and circumstance one finds themselves in. Years have now passed since then and I am embarking on a new chapter of life and a new phase, yet the transitory calling of my nature is still there. I often wonder what my life would have been like if I would have stayed in Orlando and did things differently. One thing I realize is that I wouldn't have met some of the most extraordinary people that I have met in my life, nor would I have cultivated the vast network of friendships that I have amassed over the years. See I count myself lucky, I am in contact with most of the people I went to High School with and served in the Navy with. This is something that was brought about by the internet and Facebook. But, also through the endeavors of those of us that struggled to find and reconnect using the tools available to us as provided by the current technology.
The world hasn't changed much except that information is now more available than it ever was, yet, it is still controlled by the powerful and what was once opened, is now becoming closed. It has taken me a while to understand that life is but a series of cycles and circles that repeat at intervals, that our lives are nothing but a series of patterns that we follow. Let me digress here for a brief moment, because my background is in Information Technology, the Internet and E-commerce. However, something amazing and yet heinous is happening with our technology. See we went from single computers that were housed in a single unit, like the TRS-80 which was one of the first computers I learned to program on back in the 80's. Now in 2012, I see that All-in-one computers are making a come back. However, with some minor adjustments. There are now hard drives and wireless cards, modems and network cards installed on all of the new machines, things that were not even thought of in the past. However, it is plain that technology that society is embracing is that from an older era. Cloud computing is just another utilization of what was once called main-frames and smart terminals. There was a time when the main frame was connected by dumb terminals, but now each computer has it's own processor and access to the internet or what it is morphing into. There once was a time when the information super highway was just that a series of webpages posted in the ether that could be reached by addresses. Now we are back to fencing off that open area with our smart phones and apps. Fences and walls are being built around the point of service. This is to provide instant and reliable information, with less loss of data. See in the old days when we used the web to get around packets were sometimes lost, this was deemed acceptable at time because information was the goal. Today we want information at our fingertips with speed and accuracy hence the advent of apps to bring that data to you through a closed platform isolated and separate from the information stored on the world wide web.
If you are following what I am talking about you will begin to see that the old is coming back with just a different bit of style and sophistication added to it, more bells and whistles, but it is the same and the information and data is once again being controlled by corporations like Google, Apple, Yahoo and others. But, this is just one point of many that I want to make, what comes around goes around as the old saying goes. Soon you will be seeing other things from earlier years making a comeback and the nostalgia buffs in us will embrace it, however, don't be fooled into thinking that anything new or genuine is being offered to you because it really isn't, they are just dressing up what was done before and repackaging it for greater exposure and the capture of the almighty buck. But let's continue talking about what I really wanted to talk to you about in this blog entry, before I digressed.
What I wanted to talk to you about was how you find some people that have lived in an area their whole life, they never wanted change or to experience anything different from what they had expected. I am not one of those people, I was born a nomad of some sort apparently because I have no roots or ties to any one area. Yet, I have family and friends that have never left Pennsylvania nor do they plan too. They have made their life there and have been content and successful.
I could see if my family was close to a big city and career opportunities, but they weren't they remained and maintained a life in the rural and suburban areas of the state. I wonder how they accomplished that, I often think they are the lucky ones, the ones that will have a legacy to leave once they are gone, what will I have to show for my time on this planet. Not much, no family home to leave to a relative or excess of money from my pursuits. The only thing that I will leave behind when I go is the legacy of my writing which I found late in my life. So what makes me different from my family, why were my parents different from their siblings and family and what caused them to move around and strive to build something away from the nuclear family unit that gave them life and sustained them. Now, one thing that I have recognized is that the family that remained behind remains close, they communicate with each other and get together when it is possible. Those of us that have drifted away from the core family are not included in these events or get together's and I am wondering if it just happened that way or was there a bond that was severed when the family moved away. It is impossible for me to tell you at this point as this is just something that I started thinking about today. I can tell you that when my grandmother was alive things were different. It seemed that as the Matriarch of the family she held it together with her will and love alone and when she passed the communication and closeness of the family seemed to suffer greatly. Though others have tried to pull the family back together over the years after her passing it seemed like an impossible task.
What I have learned is this the family that remained behind and close, have a network between them that supports and uplifts them. They help each other and have a fellowship that those of us that have moved away lack. Not saying that our satellite families are not close, because my family is pretty close and we all talk often. But, it is the aunts, uncles, cousins, and other family members that we lack contact with. Our roots have been shunted and we drift aimlessly. Or at least in my case that is what I do. As I said earlier, I was thinking on the drive over to the doctors today why did I choose to move around and not plant roots? Why am I still without a base of operations and I am in my mid 40's now? Answer, is that I don't have the extensive family network that my nuclear family has, I am not as connected to my cousins, aunts and uncles like I was when I was younger and my grandmother was still alive. I also realized that my goals and perceptions were different from the rest of the family. They wanted to have children, homes and grow together, and I chose to follow money and my own personal glory instead of investing in family and home and a base of operations. This I believe is where I have made the choice and this is the place to which it has led me.
I can only speak from personal experience and from what I have seen in my own life, but those of us that uproot and move ourselves away from the core family are transitory in nature, nomads by choice and choose to follow money, glory, fame or recognition. Sometimes the path that our feet initially are place are by our parents and you have to find your own way back to the core family if you want to experience the growth and life of having one. I was seven years old when my dad moved my family halfway across the nation to start a new life, it isn't till now that I actually have thought about what that decision meant and what path it put me on. Had I take the time to consider what I was doing with my life and explored a little more on my own I might have come to the realization much sooner in my life. I am not sorry for what I have accomplished or where I have been, nor what I am still yet to do, I just see that the choice that was made all those years ago could have been undone by my making a conscious choice to go back and find out. Yet, I chose to follow the nomadic path that I was on and chase after the money. Funny about that is once you find it and achieve it, there never seems enough and you are driven to other things. I was fortunate that fate or God took an active role in my life at the point in which he did, because I could still be in that world and bashing my head against the grind and striving to make more, have more and attain more and never be truly happy.
I learned back in 2007 that easy come easy go, see I have had my fortune, built it spent, built it again and lost it. But in the process I was never satisfied and I always wanted more, strove to do better, it became a game and an obsession and it could have easily destroyed me, but because my health took a turn and things worked out differently for me, I have learned and what I have learned I became determined to share with others. So I started helping those around me that were less fortunate than I was, and guess what I found everyone was less fortunate than I and I still messed things up. Gave away more than I could and hurt myself in the process. However, it was well worth it for the lessons that I have learned and now I help hundreds more in my new way than I ever could doing it single handed and headless of my own regard. See I took what Jesus did literally and tried to walk and help the down trodden, what I didn't know was how easily it was to become a target and labelled a sucker. But again, I cannot and will not complain about anything I have been through because I learned and that is what life is all about.
The point that I want to make to you is this, you have choices that are open to you that you may not even be aware of. If you want to build a lasting family and home then that is what you should focus on. The money and other things will come once your priorities are in order. Trust me when I say that God provides because believe me he always does, and it comes when you need it the most and you least expect it. Be open to change, embrace it, trust me it is nothing to fear and only good can come from it. Take each experience you have and learn from them. Grow from them and build upon them, and you will see that you are well on your way on the philosophers journey toward enlightenment and spiritual wisdom. Nothing is ever what it seems, but always take things at face value and when you find the hidden meaning you will grow from it like I did. Money is not the end all be all and doesn't ensure happiness. The search for it and the seeking of it can be your undoing.
Be wary of the path your are on, ask yourself questions and grow that is what we are here for. You can make a difference in the world no matter where you are at. In a small town or in a big city, it is all up to you and how you handle the things that life throws at you. Keep in mind that anything worth having is never easy to achieve, and if it was you wouldn't appreciate it anyway. So work hard, live hard, and play fair and have fun. That is what life is all about.
As always my thoughts and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Whatever the reason, I took it into my head to explore my incessant need to move around to not plant roots of a lasting sort. While it is true that in my younger years I was content to grow as Orlando grew, I soon realized that there was much more to the world than my little pond and I wanted to see it and explore it first hand. I believe it is for that reason alone that I joined the Navy right after high school and was disappointed with the fact that I got assigned to a ship that was in dry dock and undergoing refit for active duty. The last time my ship had seen any action was for a few years during the Korean War. She had been mothballed shortly after WWII and was activated for a brief tour during the Korean War only to be put back away in the Naval shipyards once more. It wasn't until President Reagan decided that we needed a 600 ship fleet to protect our country that the mothballs were put away and she was rolled back into active duty. I was fortunate to be a member of the precommissioning unit, and was made a plank owner of the U.S.S. Wisconsin (BB-64) the last of the Iowa class battleships. Being a plank owner gives you certain rights and a piece of history to boot. We were each given a piece of the original teak deck and our names are forever written in the history books as members of the team that brought the old girl back to life.
My need for travel and the exploring of the world would have to wait for several years but it was worth the wait I can tell you. I experienced a different sort of Navy than most traditional sailors. I was made a flag member of the MWR team (Morale, Welfare and Recreation) I had the captain, command Master Chief and the XO's ears, I had meetings with Admirals and other Captains and did things that no other 20 year olds can claim to have done. I got to travel before the ship to exotic ports and set up recreational activities for the crew and I had a power that was unparalleled. I came in on the ground floor of the movement and was in charge of everything. It was hard to leave that post and move on, yet I did. Only to head back to it over and over again throughout my career. I received a Navy Achievement medal for my conduct and activities and my name was well known throughout the Navy. I parlayed the networking skills that I learned in the Navy to different occupations I held after I got out and I can't complain, I did pretty well for myself all things considered.
But, my story doesn't end there, I returned to Orlando after the Navy to battle cancer, but was only there for a short time before I moved on to the big city life of Atlanta. I found myself working for different Governor's and holding quite of bit of power for a little time. However, as all good things do it passed. I got sick again with Cancer and Radiation disease from my treatments with the first bout of cancer. In the blink of an eye everything I had worked for and built up disappeared around me. This was the first time that I realized how fragile and fleeting life can be. But also how wondrous and fulfilling it can be at the same time. See, I learned that a person can live a lifetime in just 10 short years and accomplish things that take others a lifetime to build. I also saw how fast it all can disappear depending on the situation and circumstance one finds themselves in. Years have now passed since then and I am embarking on a new chapter of life and a new phase, yet the transitory calling of my nature is still there. I often wonder what my life would have been like if I would have stayed in Orlando and did things differently. One thing I realize is that I wouldn't have met some of the most extraordinary people that I have met in my life, nor would I have cultivated the vast network of friendships that I have amassed over the years. See I count myself lucky, I am in contact with most of the people I went to High School with and served in the Navy with. This is something that was brought about by the internet and Facebook. But, also through the endeavors of those of us that struggled to find and reconnect using the tools available to us as provided by the current technology.
The world hasn't changed much except that information is now more available than it ever was, yet, it is still controlled by the powerful and what was once opened, is now becoming closed. It has taken me a while to understand that life is but a series of cycles and circles that repeat at intervals, that our lives are nothing but a series of patterns that we follow. Let me digress here for a brief moment, because my background is in Information Technology, the Internet and E-commerce. However, something amazing and yet heinous is happening with our technology. See we went from single computers that were housed in a single unit, like the TRS-80 which was one of the first computers I learned to program on back in the 80's. Now in 2012, I see that All-in-one computers are making a come back. However, with some minor adjustments. There are now hard drives and wireless cards, modems and network cards installed on all of the new machines, things that were not even thought of in the past. However, it is plain that technology that society is embracing is that from an older era. Cloud computing is just another utilization of what was once called main-frames and smart terminals. There was a time when the main frame was connected by dumb terminals, but now each computer has it's own processor and access to the internet or what it is morphing into. There once was a time when the information super highway was just that a series of webpages posted in the ether that could be reached by addresses. Now we are back to fencing off that open area with our smart phones and apps. Fences and walls are being built around the point of service. This is to provide instant and reliable information, with less loss of data. See in the old days when we used the web to get around packets were sometimes lost, this was deemed acceptable at time because information was the goal. Today we want information at our fingertips with speed and accuracy hence the advent of apps to bring that data to you through a closed platform isolated and separate from the information stored on the world wide web.
If you are following what I am talking about you will begin to see that the old is coming back with just a different bit of style and sophistication added to it, more bells and whistles, but it is the same and the information and data is once again being controlled by corporations like Google, Apple, Yahoo and others. But, this is just one point of many that I want to make, what comes around goes around as the old saying goes. Soon you will be seeing other things from earlier years making a comeback and the nostalgia buffs in us will embrace it, however, don't be fooled into thinking that anything new or genuine is being offered to you because it really isn't, they are just dressing up what was done before and repackaging it for greater exposure and the capture of the almighty buck. But let's continue talking about what I really wanted to talk to you about in this blog entry, before I digressed.
What I wanted to talk to you about was how you find some people that have lived in an area their whole life, they never wanted change or to experience anything different from what they had expected. I am not one of those people, I was born a nomad of some sort apparently because I have no roots or ties to any one area. Yet, I have family and friends that have never left Pennsylvania nor do they plan too. They have made their life there and have been content and successful.
I could see if my family was close to a big city and career opportunities, but they weren't they remained and maintained a life in the rural and suburban areas of the state. I wonder how they accomplished that, I often think they are the lucky ones, the ones that will have a legacy to leave once they are gone, what will I have to show for my time on this planet. Not much, no family home to leave to a relative or excess of money from my pursuits. The only thing that I will leave behind when I go is the legacy of my writing which I found late in my life. So what makes me different from my family, why were my parents different from their siblings and family and what caused them to move around and strive to build something away from the nuclear family unit that gave them life and sustained them. Now, one thing that I have recognized is that the family that remained behind remains close, they communicate with each other and get together when it is possible. Those of us that have drifted away from the core family are not included in these events or get together's and I am wondering if it just happened that way or was there a bond that was severed when the family moved away. It is impossible for me to tell you at this point as this is just something that I started thinking about today. I can tell you that when my grandmother was alive things were different. It seemed that as the Matriarch of the family she held it together with her will and love alone and when she passed the communication and closeness of the family seemed to suffer greatly. Though others have tried to pull the family back together over the years after her passing it seemed like an impossible task.
What I have learned is this the family that remained behind and close, have a network between them that supports and uplifts them. They help each other and have a fellowship that those of us that have moved away lack. Not saying that our satellite families are not close, because my family is pretty close and we all talk often. But, it is the aunts, uncles, cousins, and other family members that we lack contact with. Our roots have been shunted and we drift aimlessly. Or at least in my case that is what I do. As I said earlier, I was thinking on the drive over to the doctors today why did I choose to move around and not plant roots? Why am I still without a base of operations and I am in my mid 40's now? Answer, is that I don't have the extensive family network that my nuclear family has, I am not as connected to my cousins, aunts and uncles like I was when I was younger and my grandmother was still alive. I also realized that my goals and perceptions were different from the rest of the family. They wanted to have children, homes and grow together, and I chose to follow money and my own personal glory instead of investing in family and home and a base of operations. This I believe is where I have made the choice and this is the place to which it has led me.
I can only speak from personal experience and from what I have seen in my own life, but those of us that uproot and move ourselves away from the core family are transitory in nature, nomads by choice and choose to follow money, glory, fame or recognition. Sometimes the path that our feet initially are place are by our parents and you have to find your own way back to the core family if you want to experience the growth and life of having one. I was seven years old when my dad moved my family halfway across the nation to start a new life, it isn't till now that I actually have thought about what that decision meant and what path it put me on. Had I take the time to consider what I was doing with my life and explored a little more on my own I might have come to the realization much sooner in my life. I am not sorry for what I have accomplished or where I have been, nor what I am still yet to do, I just see that the choice that was made all those years ago could have been undone by my making a conscious choice to go back and find out. Yet, I chose to follow the nomadic path that I was on and chase after the money. Funny about that is once you find it and achieve it, there never seems enough and you are driven to other things. I was fortunate that fate or God took an active role in my life at the point in which he did, because I could still be in that world and bashing my head against the grind and striving to make more, have more and attain more and never be truly happy.
I learned back in 2007 that easy come easy go, see I have had my fortune, built it spent, built it again and lost it. But in the process I was never satisfied and I always wanted more, strove to do better, it became a game and an obsession and it could have easily destroyed me, but because my health took a turn and things worked out differently for me, I have learned and what I have learned I became determined to share with others. So I started helping those around me that were less fortunate than I was, and guess what I found everyone was less fortunate than I and I still messed things up. Gave away more than I could and hurt myself in the process. However, it was well worth it for the lessons that I have learned and now I help hundreds more in my new way than I ever could doing it single handed and headless of my own regard. See I took what Jesus did literally and tried to walk and help the down trodden, what I didn't know was how easily it was to become a target and labelled a sucker. But again, I cannot and will not complain about anything I have been through because I learned and that is what life is all about.
The point that I want to make to you is this, you have choices that are open to you that you may not even be aware of. If you want to build a lasting family and home then that is what you should focus on. The money and other things will come once your priorities are in order. Trust me when I say that God provides because believe me he always does, and it comes when you need it the most and you least expect it. Be open to change, embrace it, trust me it is nothing to fear and only good can come from it. Take each experience you have and learn from them. Grow from them and build upon them, and you will see that you are well on your way on the philosophers journey toward enlightenment and spiritual wisdom. Nothing is ever what it seems, but always take things at face value and when you find the hidden meaning you will grow from it like I did. Money is not the end all be all and doesn't ensure happiness. The search for it and the seeking of it can be your undoing.
Be wary of the path your are on, ask yourself questions and grow that is what we are here for. You can make a difference in the world no matter where you are at. In a small town or in a big city, it is all up to you and how you handle the things that life throws at you. Keep in mind that anything worth having is never easy to achieve, and if it was you wouldn't appreciate it anyway. So work hard, live hard, and play fair and have fun. That is what life is all about.
As always my thoughts and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
The Positive Champions Speakers Bureau
For those of you who have been following my blog for any length of time you know that I am very candid and open about my life and the illnesses that are affecting me. Some of you maybe aware if you have been following my Facebook account that I dedicate an enormous amount of time to volunteer work. Recently, as I was attending the Partnership for Comprehensive HIV/AIDS Planning, I learned about an organization that reached out and spoke to me. During the meeting they had a Positive Champion perspective, which is a person infected with the disease that talks a little bit about their experience and the stigmas and fears that they faced when they found out. Now, honestly this hit me so close to home and it made me ask for more information about the group and what their mission was. Since that first meeting back in April, I have joined them in their cause.
The Positive Champions Speakers Bureau is comprised of HIV-Positive individuals who have come together in a setting that feels like home. We talk about our experiences, what our fears are and were, the stigmas we faced and continue to face, and how HIV has affected our friends and community. We are a group that leans on and supports one another, and through our efforts we speak out to raise awareness of the disease, we seek to educate others about the issues of living with HIV/AIDS and we hope to end the myths and stigmas that surround it. Just like so many other illness, when you are told that you have HIV/AIDS, you immediately think that you are going to die, that your life is over, and you wonder how you are going to tell your friends and family what has happened to you. See in the community at large there seems to be this gulf that people assumes or hopes isolates them from it being their problem. Since it isn't directly affecting them, they feel safe, and don't bother to learn or understand the enormity of the scope of the disease. The Positive Champions Speakers Bureau hopes to put a face on the disease, to make individuals understand that it is a disease that doesn't care if you are gay, straight, a millionaire, a drug user, a housewife, a deacon in the church, a song writer, singer, or any other such thing. It can strike anyone anywhere.
Did you know that every 9 1/2 minutes someone in the U.S. is infected with HIV? And it is everyday people, your doctor, your lawyer, the school teacher, the lunch room lady, your neighbor, your child, or you yourself. It is a deadly disease, and their is a terrible shame that is associated with it and a guilt that is hard to fight. There are many ways in which you can catch the disease, but the most common are unprotected sex, IV drug use, having multiple sex partners, etc. There is a latency in which the virus can remain dormant for a number of years and creep up on you unaware. Take responsibility for your sexual actions and understand that even that one time could be the time you get it...that one time you didn't use protection is all it takes. Be sure to get tested regularly. Know your status! Trust me it is important, because there are people out there that felt fine, had no indication at all that they were Positive and when the test came back they were. You don't have to be sick or have symptoms to be infected. There is a myth that you have to be ill or in the hospital to be infected, but honestly it isn't true. I had no symptoms, I felt fine, was going for my annual physical with my oncologist and the normal battery of test were run, I decided that it had been 3 months since my last HIV test and it came back negative, that I didn't have anything to worry about so I asked my doctor to run a new one for me with my other tests. Two days later I was called into the office and told that I was Positive, and that they were going to run a phenotype and genotype to see what strand of the virus I had, but before I left his office he had made an appointment to see an infectious disease doctor the next morning. Now this was because of my medical history, I had been battling cancer and leukemia since 1992 and my immune system was already compromised, by the way this was in 2006. I was placed on a drug regimen even though they caught early on and I had less than 200,000 copies in my blood, and my t-cells were in 600's.
The reason why I am writing about this is because I want each of you to check out our website, it is located at http://www.positivechampions.org You will definitely find a lot of information on there, we dispel a lot of myths and stigmas and there are youtube videos that you can watch that will tell the story of some of our champion's. I want you to encourage you to come back often because each of the members will eventually have their stories up there. You can see our upcoming speaking events, you can even request to have a speaker come to your place of employment or your church or any other type of function and we would gladly schedule the event and speak to your group. If you would like to volunteer your time or know of someone that might be interested in joining us please feel free to get in contact with me or have them contact one of the members at the site. Honestly we are inclusive group we do not discriminate in any way, even if you aren't positive, but know someone who is, or have a loved one that is infected we invite you to join our group, because you are affected by the disease as much as the infected person. As I said the group is warm and inviting, it is friendly and open, we talk and listen to each other. We support one another, and for some of us this is our family, because for whatever reason our real family has declined to accept us, they cannot wrap their heads around the disease or get past the stigmas and myths that surround it.
No one is going to judge you here, we all have our own story, and I am sure you are going to hear it at one point or another. Even if you aren't a speaker we still ask you to come and join us, we will help you work with you, there are people that come in and give us training on public speaking and how to write a speech. This is an excellent opportunity to get involved and find a group that really does care about you. We know what you are going through and we are here to help and love and support you. We are each of us judged too often already by those around us, this is a place of warmth and safety where you can tell your story and share with others what you are going through. As you get comfortable, you will see how easy it becomes to talk to others about yourself and your experiences, it becomes easier and easier, almost second nature. Before you know it, you too are going to be a Positive Champion!
You can also see the Positive Champion Videos if you go to http://www.youtube.com and type in Positive Champions.
Our regular website is http://www.positivechampions.org/
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
The Positive Champions Speakers Bureau is comprised of HIV-Positive individuals who have come together in a setting that feels like home. We talk about our experiences, what our fears are and were, the stigmas we faced and continue to face, and how HIV has affected our friends and community. We are a group that leans on and supports one another, and through our efforts we speak out to raise awareness of the disease, we seek to educate others about the issues of living with HIV/AIDS and we hope to end the myths and stigmas that surround it. Just like so many other illness, when you are told that you have HIV/AIDS, you immediately think that you are going to die, that your life is over, and you wonder how you are going to tell your friends and family what has happened to you. See in the community at large there seems to be this gulf that people assumes or hopes isolates them from it being their problem. Since it isn't directly affecting them, they feel safe, and don't bother to learn or understand the enormity of the scope of the disease. The Positive Champions Speakers Bureau hopes to put a face on the disease, to make individuals understand that it is a disease that doesn't care if you are gay, straight, a millionaire, a drug user, a housewife, a deacon in the church, a song writer, singer, or any other such thing. It can strike anyone anywhere.
Did you know that every 9 1/2 minutes someone in the U.S. is infected with HIV? And it is everyday people, your doctor, your lawyer, the school teacher, the lunch room lady, your neighbor, your child, or you yourself. It is a deadly disease, and their is a terrible shame that is associated with it and a guilt that is hard to fight. There are many ways in which you can catch the disease, but the most common are unprotected sex, IV drug use, having multiple sex partners, etc. There is a latency in which the virus can remain dormant for a number of years and creep up on you unaware. Take responsibility for your sexual actions and understand that even that one time could be the time you get it...that one time you didn't use protection is all it takes. Be sure to get tested regularly. Know your status! Trust me it is important, because there are people out there that felt fine, had no indication at all that they were Positive and when the test came back they were. You don't have to be sick or have symptoms to be infected. There is a myth that you have to be ill or in the hospital to be infected, but honestly it isn't true. I had no symptoms, I felt fine, was going for my annual physical with my oncologist and the normal battery of test were run, I decided that it had been 3 months since my last HIV test and it came back negative, that I didn't have anything to worry about so I asked my doctor to run a new one for me with my other tests. Two days later I was called into the office and told that I was Positive, and that they were going to run a phenotype and genotype to see what strand of the virus I had, but before I left his office he had made an appointment to see an infectious disease doctor the next morning. Now this was because of my medical history, I had been battling cancer and leukemia since 1992 and my immune system was already compromised, by the way this was in 2006. I was placed on a drug regimen even though they caught early on and I had less than 200,000 copies in my blood, and my t-cells were in 600's.
The reason why I am writing about this is because I want each of you to check out our website, it is located at http://www.positivechampions.org You will definitely find a lot of information on there, we dispel a lot of myths and stigmas and there are youtube videos that you can watch that will tell the story of some of our champion's. I want you to encourage you to come back often because each of the members will eventually have their stories up there. You can see our upcoming speaking events, you can even request to have a speaker come to your place of employment or your church or any other type of function and we would gladly schedule the event and speak to your group. If you would like to volunteer your time or know of someone that might be interested in joining us please feel free to get in contact with me or have them contact one of the members at the site. Honestly we are inclusive group we do not discriminate in any way, even if you aren't positive, but know someone who is, or have a loved one that is infected we invite you to join our group, because you are affected by the disease as much as the infected person. As I said the group is warm and inviting, it is friendly and open, we talk and listen to each other. We support one another, and for some of us this is our family, because for whatever reason our real family has declined to accept us, they cannot wrap their heads around the disease or get past the stigmas and myths that surround it.
No one is going to judge you here, we all have our own story, and I am sure you are going to hear it at one point or another. Even if you aren't a speaker we still ask you to come and join us, we will help you work with you, there are people that come in and give us training on public speaking and how to write a speech. This is an excellent opportunity to get involved and find a group that really does care about you. We know what you are going through and we are here to help and love and support you. We are each of us judged too often already by those around us, this is a place of warmth and safety where you can tell your story and share with others what you are going through. As you get comfortable, you will see how easy it becomes to talk to others about yourself and your experiences, it becomes easier and easier, almost second nature. Before you know it, you too are going to be a Positive Champion!
You can also see the Positive Champion Videos if you go to http://www.youtube.com and type in Positive Champions.
Our regular website is http://www.positivechampions.org/
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Please keep in mind, you are very special
Last night a friend of mine posted on Facebook would anyone care if he just checked out of life and disappeared never to be heard from again. This hit me pretty hard, because as you know I have been through so many things and I have at one time or another gotten to the point where I had wanted to throw in the towel. I know exactly how he was feeling, been there, done that and wear the t-shirt to prove it. You may not realize how your loss might affect those around you, those that know you and care about you. Sometimes people look at you and are inspired to try harder for themselves because they look at you and see a person who works hard and is successful. Because to one person you might be even if you don't think so yourself.
I know how easy it is to look at your life and weigh it against your dreams and feel that you have fallen short. How you can look in the mirror and see yourself as a failure, feeling despondent because you had imagined yourself being so much further ahead than you are. I know how easy it is to look at your friends and feel a certain way because they seem to have made it to the place where you thought you would be and you envy them. How depression can creep in and make you feel so much worse about your situation and how your frustrations builds, and you get angry and despondent, wishing that things could be different. Then you mind starts going through the should haves and the could haves and you start to think that your life has been a sham and a waste. Stop it! Look around you, weigh in the accomplishment you have made, the obstacles you have overcome and who you have in your life. Because, someone out there is looking at you and is just as envious of you and what you have as you are of others.
It is never too late for you to start over again, to do something different, to achieve something. Further, if you really think about it there is always someone out there that is worse off then you. The trick is to stop beating yourself up over your perceived failures, stop being so hard on yourself and down playing your accomplishments. You are still here and continue to try, and that alone is something worth being proud of. You may never know who is looking at you, drawing strength from your life, and looking up to you as a role model. You could be totally unaware of how much of an inspiration you are to someone else, because you are too busy feeling sorry for yourself and lack of accomplishments. There are people in your life that love you and respect you, and your loss would devastate them.
Think back to the movie "It's a Wonderful Life" starring Jimmy Stewart and remember the revelation he found out when the angle came to him and granted him the wish that he had never been alive, so many things were different and so many peoples lives were utterly changed and not for the better just because he had never been born. The same goes for you! You can't possibly know how many times your smile, or a simple act of kindness that you displayed had changed someone's life or made a difference in some incalculable way. There is no random or chance encounters, people come into each of our lives for a reason, and they are there until it is there time to move on. Some come in and last a lifetime others are just there for a small duration. You may be struggling now, but someone close to you may have been through a similar situation and you might benefit from their experience and vice-versa. Each of us has lessons to learn and stuff to teach, but we cannot do it if we get ourselves mired down in self-pity and regret.
No matter how you feel about yourself now, or where you stand on your journey. I know that each of us at some point or another thinks we have failed or are a failure. But here is the thing to keep in mind, who could have done it any better? Look at what you had to come through, what obstacles and illnesses and tragedies you have braved and you are still going strong. Take pride in your accomplishments, be grateful for what you have, seek the happiness within yourself. When you can do that you are going to find that you are a very prosperous individual, and should be content with where you are at because maybe if you were further along, you might have missed a key aspect of your life that defines you. Also keep in mind that there is no one else in the world quite like you. No one has your experiences, has made the choices you have made for the reasons you have made them, no one can understand the consequences and rewards you have endured on your journey. Remind yourself of those you have helped along the way to realize their dreams, given them shelter, food, clothing or whatever. Trust me when I tell you that you are one of a kind, an original, you are a master-piece, a great work of art, made beautiful by your struggles and your understanding that you have gained along the way. This makes you totally unique, and guess what unique things can never be replaced, they are precious and invaluable, and that is you!
Life is full of special moments, and sometimes we are so busy we miss them, or we let them pass us by because we didn't recognize them. Whatever the case is, take the time and make some moments special on your own. Celebrate things that you normally wouldn't, give gifts or be spontaneous, whatever, just wake yourself up and look at what you have done and come through, you will be amazed! And when you find yourself at a dead end with no seeming exit, every door is closed to you, then by all means open a window, make your own path, start a new adventure, because life is precious and short, and you owe it to yourself to make yourself happy. Forget about what everyone else is doing and don't give a damn about what they think, because guess what are they paying your bills? Are they doing all they can to give you the world on a silver platter? I don't think so! Therefore their opinion doesn't amount to shit, and as I have said before only you can make yourself happy, only you can do for you, because in the long run, everybody is just looking out for themselves.
So, when that depression strikes and wraps around your heart and tries to make you think that you are such a failure, that you haven't accomplished anything, and that you aren't anywhere where you thought you should be. Pull back, take a break and look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself. " I am special, I have come through much, I have so much and I am unique and irreplaceable." Trust me you tell yourself enough, you will start to believe it. Because it is the truth, no one can replace you, no one can do what you have done, and no one will help as many people as you have. You are blessed and loved by your family, friends and all who know you. God has blessed you and will keep blessing you each and every day of your life. Give thanks for the little things you accomplish, don't sweat the small stuff in life that you cannot control, and above all love yourself enough to pat yourself on the back and give yourself a compliment for a job well done.
Remember what my grandfather told me so long ago. "A man leaves his mark on this world not by how much money he has or how many houses, or material possessions, but by how many life's he has touched, how many people he has helped, and those that remember him when he is gone. Your works will speak for themselves and those you have helped will know what you have done for them and remember you for your kindness and generosity, they will be your testimony and tribute to the world." There is always someone watching you, finding hope and inspiration from you, looking up to you and trying to be like you whether you know it or not. So yes you are special, in so many ways. Never ever think about giving up and throwing in the towel, because there are so many people believing in you and counting on you. You just can't see them all.
I hope you truly understand that you are loved and blessed. You will never be forgotten and your works and deed will certainly outlive you.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
I know how easy it is to look at your life and weigh it against your dreams and feel that you have fallen short. How you can look in the mirror and see yourself as a failure, feeling despondent because you had imagined yourself being so much further ahead than you are. I know how easy it is to look at your friends and feel a certain way because they seem to have made it to the place where you thought you would be and you envy them. How depression can creep in and make you feel so much worse about your situation and how your frustrations builds, and you get angry and despondent, wishing that things could be different. Then you mind starts going through the should haves and the could haves and you start to think that your life has been a sham and a waste. Stop it! Look around you, weigh in the accomplishment you have made, the obstacles you have overcome and who you have in your life. Because, someone out there is looking at you and is just as envious of you and what you have as you are of others.
It is never too late for you to start over again, to do something different, to achieve something. Further, if you really think about it there is always someone out there that is worse off then you. The trick is to stop beating yourself up over your perceived failures, stop being so hard on yourself and down playing your accomplishments. You are still here and continue to try, and that alone is something worth being proud of. You may never know who is looking at you, drawing strength from your life, and looking up to you as a role model. You could be totally unaware of how much of an inspiration you are to someone else, because you are too busy feeling sorry for yourself and lack of accomplishments. There are people in your life that love you and respect you, and your loss would devastate them.
Think back to the movie "It's a Wonderful Life" starring Jimmy Stewart and remember the revelation he found out when the angle came to him and granted him the wish that he had never been alive, so many things were different and so many peoples lives were utterly changed and not for the better just because he had never been born. The same goes for you! You can't possibly know how many times your smile, or a simple act of kindness that you displayed had changed someone's life or made a difference in some incalculable way. There is no random or chance encounters, people come into each of our lives for a reason, and they are there until it is there time to move on. Some come in and last a lifetime others are just there for a small duration. You may be struggling now, but someone close to you may have been through a similar situation and you might benefit from their experience and vice-versa. Each of us has lessons to learn and stuff to teach, but we cannot do it if we get ourselves mired down in self-pity and regret.
No matter how you feel about yourself now, or where you stand on your journey. I know that each of us at some point or another thinks we have failed or are a failure. But here is the thing to keep in mind, who could have done it any better? Look at what you had to come through, what obstacles and illnesses and tragedies you have braved and you are still going strong. Take pride in your accomplishments, be grateful for what you have, seek the happiness within yourself. When you can do that you are going to find that you are a very prosperous individual, and should be content with where you are at because maybe if you were further along, you might have missed a key aspect of your life that defines you. Also keep in mind that there is no one else in the world quite like you. No one has your experiences, has made the choices you have made for the reasons you have made them, no one can understand the consequences and rewards you have endured on your journey. Remind yourself of those you have helped along the way to realize their dreams, given them shelter, food, clothing or whatever. Trust me when I tell you that you are one of a kind, an original, you are a master-piece, a great work of art, made beautiful by your struggles and your understanding that you have gained along the way. This makes you totally unique, and guess what unique things can never be replaced, they are precious and invaluable, and that is you!
Life is full of special moments, and sometimes we are so busy we miss them, or we let them pass us by because we didn't recognize them. Whatever the case is, take the time and make some moments special on your own. Celebrate things that you normally wouldn't, give gifts or be spontaneous, whatever, just wake yourself up and look at what you have done and come through, you will be amazed! And when you find yourself at a dead end with no seeming exit, every door is closed to you, then by all means open a window, make your own path, start a new adventure, because life is precious and short, and you owe it to yourself to make yourself happy. Forget about what everyone else is doing and don't give a damn about what they think, because guess what are they paying your bills? Are they doing all they can to give you the world on a silver platter? I don't think so! Therefore their opinion doesn't amount to shit, and as I have said before only you can make yourself happy, only you can do for you, because in the long run, everybody is just looking out for themselves.
So, when that depression strikes and wraps around your heart and tries to make you think that you are such a failure, that you haven't accomplished anything, and that you aren't anywhere where you thought you should be. Pull back, take a break and look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself. " I am special, I have come through much, I have so much and I am unique and irreplaceable." Trust me you tell yourself enough, you will start to believe it. Because it is the truth, no one can replace you, no one can do what you have done, and no one will help as many people as you have. You are blessed and loved by your family, friends and all who know you. God has blessed you and will keep blessing you each and every day of your life. Give thanks for the little things you accomplish, don't sweat the small stuff in life that you cannot control, and above all love yourself enough to pat yourself on the back and give yourself a compliment for a job well done.
Remember what my grandfather told me so long ago. "A man leaves his mark on this world not by how much money he has or how many houses, or material possessions, but by how many life's he has touched, how many people he has helped, and those that remember him when he is gone. Your works will speak for themselves and those you have helped will know what you have done for them and remember you for your kindness and generosity, they will be your testimony and tribute to the world." There is always someone watching you, finding hope and inspiration from you, looking up to you and trying to be like you whether you know it or not. So yes you are special, in so many ways. Never ever think about giving up and throwing in the towel, because there are so many people believing in you and counting on you. You just can't see them all.
I hope you truly understand that you are loved and blessed. You will never be forgotten and your works and deed will certainly outlive you.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Family can get a little confusing but learn to love and accept them they will be there for you when you need them
Despite how confusing and dysfunctional your family may seem to you, be assured that there are other families out there that make yours look like a walk in the park. It doesn't matter if your parents are still together or if they have divorced and remarried or whatever. Anyone in your family is just that family. They will be there for you when you are going through things, they are a support network. The only people that are going to be there for you when the chips are down and your back is to the wall. I am writing this because so often in life we distance ourselves from our families, loose touch, aren't as open and communicative as we can be. I want you to understand that no matter what your family has your back they are going to be there for you when everyone else has taken advantage of you and abandoned you. Sure they may be harsh, condescending and stubborn, they may be an argumentative bunch, seem to be indifferent, but let me tell you when something happens to you, they rally around you and are there for you in whatever way they can. That is what families do. As I have pointed out in several blog entries, you cannot depend on anyone else out there in the world to have your best interests at heart and have your back, with the exception of family. Now this is the first time I have brought up the subject of family, so I am going to describe to you my family and how it is a normal every day dysfunctional family unit, but how we pull together and help those that are in trouble.
My parents have been married to each other and divorced three times. At first my family consisted of my brother and myself, and about 3 years ago my father met a very nice woman and they are living together, now even though they are not married, my brother and I have been accepted into her family. Which adds a whole new mix of relatives into the fray. Which is fine because I haven't met any of her family that hasn't been kind, warm and generous and accepted us with open arms into the family. As most of you are aware back in March my colon ruptured in 2 places and I was put into the hospital for almost a month, and 19 days of that time I was in intensive care because my blood pressure wouldn't stabilize. Now I can tell you that the recovery process has been long and involved. Nancy and my dad were right there lending their support, and help when and where I needed. Nancy's family has been also part of the support network, and that sure beats having to try and doing it all on my own. I am guessing if I had to try and recover on my own from what happened I wouldn't have made it. There were a lot of problems and complications and I needed help giving iv antibiotics, changing dressings and bandages, the whole nine yards.
With the addition of a sister and brother to the family, it also brought their children as well. So now there are new nieces and nephews in the fray as well. I look at these as people I can get to know and hang out with and do things with. There is absolutely nothing wrong with opening up and trying to get to know the new extended family because as I have said they are going to be there for you when you need them most.
Now, whether you have multiple sets of grandparents, parents, brother, sisters, cousins or nephews, etc you should count yourself lucky. Often times we find ourselves alone and lonely. With family around you will always have something to do. Places to go and unfortunately work to do as well. But embrace the fact that you are blessed and be happy that your parents have finally met others that make them happy. Do everything you can to fit in and be patient. Take the time to get to know them. You know that you will be glad that you did and feel like it was all worth the effort. The only thing I caution you is to keep your beliefs and preferences to yourself. Don't force someone to believe or think the way you do, don't push your lifestyle or choices off on them. Just enjoy their company and the time spent with them.
Like I always stress be honest with them, talk to them about yourself. They may not have grown up with you, or live with you currently. But don't try to hide anything from them either because it is eventually going to come back on you. Trust me when I say you cannot have to much family standing behind you. Celebrate and rejoice the fact that they are in your life and cherish the time that you have together, even if you don't agree on each and everything. Learn to compromise and be understanding of their choices and preferences. If you have a certain preference and they don't share it don't try to force it on them. Because it will back fire. An example of this my nephew was on Meet.com talking with some girls and these two guys on their kept hitting on him, and he made a statement to me that he was putting that he was only interested in girls on his profile, he didn't want me to think badly of him because I was gay, and apparently he didn't want me to think that he was putting up there because of me.
I told him it was alright for him to do that. Because I don't think it was right for those guys to push themselves at him and try to coerce him into doing something that he wasn't comfortable with. I don't believe that anyone person should push what they believe or do on anyone period. I also took it as a little heads up that because he knew that I was gay he was trying to tell me subtly that he wasn't interested in me because he was only interested in woman. Now to be honest with you I until he had brought it up by making his statement, I hadn't even considered him in a sexual way, and I actually still don't. I pointed out that I was old enough to be his father, and though I don't mind hanging and chilling with him, I wasn't looking for a child to raise. I wanted someone more my age and style. He did point out that him and I have a lot of common interests, and I think that is great and I think that a strong friendship will come out of it.
Plus, another benefit for anyone that has been reading my blog since the beginning. You all know that there are times when I feel lonely and alone, because I have no one to do things with or hang out with. I look at this as an opportunity to have some fun with someone else, a good friend who wouldn't mind doing some of the same things I am interested in. My father and step mother don't like the same kind of movies I like so it will be good to have someone who does to go with me to see them. In my opinion it is a great thing. I am kind of happy he moved down from Ohio, because up until this point I pretty much hangout in my bedroom and occasionally hangout with my parents but normally I am by myself.
The whole point I am trying to make here, is that parents aren't perfect, relationship's aren't always perfect and there isn't a really decent handbook out there that addresses every conceivable type of situation that a relationship might face and have to overcome. So when a new family comes in with a new relationship, embrace it, accept it, and above all explore everything about it. Get to know one another and before you know it you are going to have a strong and lasting support network, no matter what happens to you in your life.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
My parents have been married to each other and divorced three times. At first my family consisted of my brother and myself, and about 3 years ago my father met a very nice woman and they are living together, now even though they are not married, my brother and I have been accepted into her family. Which adds a whole new mix of relatives into the fray. Which is fine because I haven't met any of her family that hasn't been kind, warm and generous and accepted us with open arms into the family. As most of you are aware back in March my colon ruptured in 2 places and I was put into the hospital for almost a month, and 19 days of that time I was in intensive care because my blood pressure wouldn't stabilize. Now I can tell you that the recovery process has been long and involved. Nancy and my dad were right there lending their support, and help when and where I needed. Nancy's family has been also part of the support network, and that sure beats having to try and doing it all on my own. I am guessing if I had to try and recover on my own from what happened I wouldn't have made it. There were a lot of problems and complications and I needed help giving iv antibiotics, changing dressings and bandages, the whole nine yards.
With the addition of a sister and brother to the family, it also brought their children as well. So now there are new nieces and nephews in the fray as well. I look at these as people I can get to know and hang out with and do things with. There is absolutely nothing wrong with opening up and trying to get to know the new extended family because as I have said they are going to be there for you when you need them most.
Now, whether you have multiple sets of grandparents, parents, brother, sisters, cousins or nephews, etc you should count yourself lucky. Often times we find ourselves alone and lonely. With family around you will always have something to do. Places to go and unfortunately work to do as well. But embrace the fact that you are blessed and be happy that your parents have finally met others that make them happy. Do everything you can to fit in and be patient. Take the time to get to know them. You know that you will be glad that you did and feel like it was all worth the effort. The only thing I caution you is to keep your beliefs and preferences to yourself. Don't force someone to believe or think the way you do, don't push your lifestyle or choices off on them. Just enjoy their company and the time spent with them.
Like I always stress be honest with them, talk to them about yourself. They may not have grown up with you, or live with you currently. But don't try to hide anything from them either because it is eventually going to come back on you. Trust me when I say you cannot have to much family standing behind you. Celebrate and rejoice the fact that they are in your life and cherish the time that you have together, even if you don't agree on each and everything. Learn to compromise and be understanding of their choices and preferences. If you have a certain preference and they don't share it don't try to force it on them. Because it will back fire. An example of this my nephew was on Meet.com talking with some girls and these two guys on their kept hitting on him, and he made a statement to me that he was putting that he was only interested in girls on his profile, he didn't want me to think badly of him because I was gay, and apparently he didn't want me to think that he was putting up there because of me.
I told him it was alright for him to do that. Because I don't think it was right for those guys to push themselves at him and try to coerce him into doing something that he wasn't comfortable with. I don't believe that anyone person should push what they believe or do on anyone period. I also took it as a little heads up that because he knew that I was gay he was trying to tell me subtly that he wasn't interested in me because he was only interested in woman. Now to be honest with you I until he had brought it up by making his statement, I hadn't even considered him in a sexual way, and I actually still don't. I pointed out that I was old enough to be his father, and though I don't mind hanging and chilling with him, I wasn't looking for a child to raise. I wanted someone more my age and style. He did point out that him and I have a lot of common interests, and I think that is great and I think that a strong friendship will come out of it.
Plus, another benefit for anyone that has been reading my blog since the beginning. You all know that there are times when I feel lonely and alone, because I have no one to do things with or hang out with. I look at this as an opportunity to have some fun with someone else, a good friend who wouldn't mind doing some of the same things I am interested in. My father and step mother don't like the same kind of movies I like so it will be good to have someone who does to go with me to see them. In my opinion it is a great thing. I am kind of happy he moved down from Ohio, because up until this point I pretty much hangout in my bedroom and occasionally hangout with my parents but normally I am by myself.
The whole point I am trying to make here, is that parents aren't perfect, relationship's aren't always perfect and there isn't a really decent handbook out there that addresses every conceivable type of situation that a relationship might face and have to overcome. So when a new family comes in with a new relationship, embrace it, accept it, and above all explore everything about it. Get to know one another and before you know it you are going to have a strong and lasting support network, no matter what happens to you in your life.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Monday, July 2, 2012
What would you do if you knew the world was ending?
I was watching a movie called "4:44" last night and it was about the world's last day, it is told from the point of view of an artist and a writer and how they spend their last day on earth. It got me thinking on what I would do if I knew that the world was ending at a specific time. I am not sure I could have handled the news of impending doom with such grace and conviction. Facing my own mortality has been enough of a struggle and I am thankful for the knowledge that no one knows the time or manner of my demise. I like the fact that the doctor's don't know if I am going to live or die tomorrow, that no matter their predictions and worrying and all their tests they cannot narrow down enough to give me a date and time that I may leave this earth.
For years now I have been beating the odds that have been stacked against me, and even when I longed for deaths embrace it wouldn't even come. You would be surprised at the depths and lengths I went to trying to make my end come forth. I did everything you can imagine to put my life in risk. I even lived on the street for several months, knowing full well that my health was in peril. See I had found out in October of 2011 that my kidneys had begun to fail and yet I chose the path that I was on and did nothing to change it direction. In my reckless haste I ended up loosing two of my dear and closest friends, my two dogs Skylar and Madison. I had left Texas to try and save Madison and all I did was postpone the inevitable. I got back to Atlanta the 3rd of January and by November they were taken from me and put to sleep. I wish things could have been different, but due to circumstances and choices I have made I sealed their fate and have to live with those consequences for the rest of my days.
Even now, knowing that my life is not going to get any different and that it is just a matter of time till end up dying. I hope that I have the grace and courage to face the end with dignity. See even after all my reckless abandon I am not sure that I really want to die. Even now, I am working with my doctor's to try and figure out the next steps in my healthcare and how they are going to address kidney failure and the advancing Hepatitis C. I believe that the next steps since my surgery was a failure, is going to be a series of dialysis and interferon treatments to address Hep C. But again, going to have to wait and see what they offer on July 9th.
What all of you don't know is that my struggle has been a silent one, and one that was hidden from most people that were not close to me. I kept hidden from everyone around me the depths of my despair and surrounded myself with others who were as damaged and hurt as I was. These people accepted my drug use as being a part of them and not some design in a greater scheme of personal destruction. I would like you all to know that something amazing happened on this journey, it was an unexpected development and something that I never thought could possibly happen. People started looking at me with eyes of respect. Admiring my will to survive and the courage to continue to fight. What I kept hidden was my overwhelming desire to through it all in. I had been fighting this battle for 20 years and I am tired. However, as I started talking to others and finding out the strength and courage they were taking from my experiences, I knew that I had to continue that there was a lesson here that needed to be taught. So after learning all of this I gathered my courage around me and made a call to my dad. I told him about my health condition and the severity of it. He offered to let me come and stay with him and my step mom for awhile till I get back on my feet.
I wasn't here even a month when I had to have emergency surgery because my colon ruptured in 2 places. I have had 4 surgeries since March and I am still here. I am still fighting and I have taken up several causes to help shift my mental focus and energies towards others who are in need. So here is the crux of the matter of this entry, do you want to live your life with love, laughter, grace and dignity? I know that I do. I want to live my life as an example to show others that life continues and goes on even in the face of terminal illness and disease. I want others to know that life and living is a matter of the mind, even if your world seems to be collapsing around your ears. Positive thinking and personal involvement in living are necessary to achieve a lasting and fulfilling life. Remember your family and love them because Life is not worth living without family.
Self destruction and a defeatist attitude cannot win out if you stay positive and strong in your beliefs. It is important to remember yourself and those who are with you in your struggles. You never know that when you see someone it might be the last time you ever get to see them. Live life every day like it is your last one, and take time to always enjoy those around you and appreciate them, because they are struggling with you and feel a pain as deep or deeper than you can imagine. They struggle and rail against what is happening to you and they watch on helplessly knowing that they can do nothing but be there for you. Tell them thank you and you appreciate the sacrifices they are making for you and tell them how much they have made your life so much easier. Everyone needs to be loved and appreciated and you need to recognize the struggles they are going through with you and alone. Sometimes they feel so overwhelmed and burdened to the breaking point. Give them a hug, a kiss, a shout of recognition will go a long way to ease their pain and burden. Trust me I know what I am talking about here.
So again I ask you what would you do if you knew the world was ending? I know what I am going to do, and what I have been doing since I found out how sick I really was. I am reaching out across the miles and the hurt and the pain to those who suffered with me and cared for me. Whose life's are entangled with mine, and without whom I wouldn't be here today. I know I cannot thank them enough, I cannot make up for the past hurts, but I can move on knowing that I have made my peace with them and have thanked them and acknowledged everything that they did for me. I want every day that I live to be full of nothing but laughter, love and joy, and I want to bring that and so much more to everyone around me. I ask that you keep me in your thoughts and prayers, and I ask that you look inward to yourself, and take the time to smell the roses, acknowledge those around you, sincerely see the choices and sacrifices they have made for you and tell them thank you and how much you love them.
Keep a smile on your face, joy in your heart and positive outlook on the future and you never ever know how long that is going to be. You might be like me and outlive all the dire predictions and doomsayers and you could and probably will out live them all.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
For years now I have been beating the odds that have been stacked against me, and even when I longed for deaths embrace it wouldn't even come. You would be surprised at the depths and lengths I went to trying to make my end come forth. I did everything you can imagine to put my life in risk. I even lived on the street for several months, knowing full well that my health was in peril. See I had found out in October of 2011 that my kidneys had begun to fail and yet I chose the path that I was on and did nothing to change it direction. In my reckless haste I ended up loosing two of my dear and closest friends, my two dogs Skylar and Madison. I had left Texas to try and save Madison and all I did was postpone the inevitable. I got back to Atlanta the 3rd of January and by November they were taken from me and put to sleep. I wish things could have been different, but due to circumstances and choices I have made I sealed their fate and have to live with those consequences for the rest of my days.
Even now, knowing that my life is not going to get any different and that it is just a matter of time till end up dying. I hope that I have the grace and courage to face the end with dignity. See even after all my reckless abandon I am not sure that I really want to die. Even now, I am working with my doctor's to try and figure out the next steps in my healthcare and how they are going to address kidney failure and the advancing Hepatitis C. I believe that the next steps since my surgery was a failure, is going to be a series of dialysis and interferon treatments to address Hep C. But again, going to have to wait and see what they offer on July 9th.
What all of you don't know is that my struggle has been a silent one, and one that was hidden from most people that were not close to me. I kept hidden from everyone around me the depths of my despair and surrounded myself with others who were as damaged and hurt as I was. These people accepted my drug use as being a part of them and not some design in a greater scheme of personal destruction. I would like you all to know that something amazing happened on this journey, it was an unexpected development and something that I never thought could possibly happen. People started looking at me with eyes of respect. Admiring my will to survive and the courage to continue to fight. What I kept hidden was my overwhelming desire to through it all in. I had been fighting this battle for 20 years and I am tired. However, as I started talking to others and finding out the strength and courage they were taking from my experiences, I knew that I had to continue that there was a lesson here that needed to be taught. So after learning all of this I gathered my courage around me and made a call to my dad. I told him about my health condition and the severity of it. He offered to let me come and stay with him and my step mom for awhile till I get back on my feet.
I wasn't here even a month when I had to have emergency surgery because my colon ruptured in 2 places. I have had 4 surgeries since March and I am still here. I am still fighting and I have taken up several causes to help shift my mental focus and energies towards others who are in need. So here is the crux of the matter of this entry, do you want to live your life with love, laughter, grace and dignity? I know that I do. I want to live my life as an example to show others that life continues and goes on even in the face of terminal illness and disease. I want others to know that life and living is a matter of the mind, even if your world seems to be collapsing around your ears. Positive thinking and personal involvement in living are necessary to achieve a lasting and fulfilling life. Remember your family and love them because Life is not worth living without family.
Self destruction and a defeatist attitude cannot win out if you stay positive and strong in your beliefs. It is important to remember yourself and those who are with you in your struggles. You never know that when you see someone it might be the last time you ever get to see them. Live life every day like it is your last one, and take time to always enjoy those around you and appreciate them, because they are struggling with you and feel a pain as deep or deeper than you can imagine. They struggle and rail against what is happening to you and they watch on helplessly knowing that they can do nothing but be there for you. Tell them thank you and you appreciate the sacrifices they are making for you and tell them how much they have made your life so much easier. Everyone needs to be loved and appreciated and you need to recognize the struggles they are going through with you and alone. Sometimes they feel so overwhelmed and burdened to the breaking point. Give them a hug, a kiss, a shout of recognition will go a long way to ease their pain and burden. Trust me I know what I am talking about here.
So again I ask you what would you do if you knew the world was ending? I know what I am going to do, and what I have been doing since I found out how sick I really was. I am reaching out across the miles and the hurt and the pain to those who suffered with me and cared for me. Whose life's are entangled with mine, and without whom I wouldn't be here today. I know I cannot thank them enough, I cannot make up for the past hurts, but I can move on knowing that I have made my peace with them and have thanked them and acknowledged everything that they did for me. I want every day that I live to be full of nothing but laughter, love and joy, and I want to bring that and so much more to everyone around me. I ask that you keep me in your thoughts and prayers, and I ask that you look inward to yourself, and take the time to smell the roses, acknowledge those around you, sincerely see the choices and sacrifices they have made for you and tell them thank you and how much you love them.
Keep a smile on your face, joy in your heart and positive outlook on the future and you never ever know how long that is going to be. You might be like me and outlive all the dire predictions and doomsayers and you could and probably will out live them all.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
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