For several years now I have been reluctant to spend Christmas with anyone, nor did I decorate or celebrate it in anyway. But this year here in Orlando, I am surrounded by the familiar and I have been watching Christmas movies nonstop on Netflix and the Hallmark Channel. This has rekindled a sense of nostalgia and a sense of longing for the time when the holidays meant something too me. Then to top it off Facebook shows me a memory from 6 years ago, to the last festive holiday gathering that I had. It was full of warmth, laughter and love and was spent 3,000 miles away on the West Coast of the United States. Kerry and I were in Los Angeles sharing the holiday season with his family and my friends. That was the last Christmas that I had a tree, decorated the house, had a holiday meal and really enjoyed the Christmas Spirit.
6 years later I am in Orlando with my friend Judy whom Kerry and I spent our that wonderful holiday season with. She is in the holiday mood and has a Christmas tree up and is slowly decorating the house. It is taking me a long time to warm up to the idea of celebrating Christmas again. But as I was sitting there binge watching holiday movies, I got a message from my ex's mother who shared my holiday photos back on her wall and commented on them. There were pictures of me and Kerry, his sister, his grandmother and his mom. We were at the mall doing Christmas shopping when we took those pictures. A sense of longing and loss filled me as I looked at those pictures and I wished that I was back there during those days once again. That truly was the last time that I felt a sense of family and belonging.
But as this year is progressing steadily toward Christmas day and the annual count down has begun and the Spirit of Christmas is slowly creeping upon me. I am beginning to feel the stirrings of Holiday cheer in my heart and I am wondering where it is coming from. I am wondering if it hasn't been there all along and I have been suppressing it along with the feelings of loss and longing that I normally feel at the holidays? I would have to hazard a guess that I was burying all emotions and memories of the holidays for many years, because my aunt, my grandmother and grandfather all died around the holidays and left a huge hole in the family.
This year I have something forward to look forward to. This will be the first year that Dominic and I get to spend a Christmas together, that Judy and I are back together for another Christmas and my ex Matthew has moved back to Orlando and will be hanging out with us to celebrate the holidays. It isn't the family that I remember or had in mind but they are the family that I have with me at the moment and it seems like the right opportunity to try and enjoy myself once again. As most of you know the last 3 years have been rather hard on me, and during the last 3 holiday seasons due to circumstances beyond my control I was homeless for each of them. 2015 was the last Christmas that I can honestly say that I was in a stable environment for the Holiday season. This year I am getting my feet back under me and I am in a safer, stronger environment than I have been in for quite some time and that alone is enough reason to feel festive.
Yet, I cannot help but have melancholy feelings about the last actual Christmas that Kerry and I spent together. We were happy then, everyone had smiles on their faces and it was a fun time where we spent a lot of time with our family and friends. I haven't felt that sense of belonging since that time and I wish for it again. My relationship with Kerry might not have worked out and we aren't together now, but that doesn't mean that he isn't my family and that he doesn't hold a special place in my heart. He is now and always will be forever a part of my life, my personality and will be a part of my family, even if him and I never get back together. We spent 10 years of our lives together, we went through way to many experiences, traumas, dramas, and life incidents that have created a bond and a relationship that can never be broken. Our mutual experiences alone, mean that there is no one that can ever take his place, he will ever and always remain with me.
I have a new life, and I am living back in Florida, I have dreamed of him and I getting back together, but back earlier this year he told me that he was thinking that maybe it was time for him to find a girl settle down and have kids. That would mean that I no longer fit in his new life and world, but that new world cannot and will not ever replace what we mean to each other or replace the things that we went through together. It just means that we have grown and are on a different path from each other right now. But 10 years is a long time to spend with someone and the future is uncertain, there may come a time and a place where we realize that we need each other and eventually find ourselves back together. No one knows! I can only speculate that he is happy in his new life and I am trying to do everything in my power to get to the happy spot in my own life and be comfortable with myself, who I have become and who I truly am. I am content with who I am with and I love him dearly, I can't honestly say that I want anyone else but him at this moment in time.
But this post is about the Christmas Spirit and Holiday Cheer, it really isn't about me or my needs, wants and desires. Christmas Spirit is about loving and giving to one another, uplifting those around us and making those around us feel loved and special. It is about caring and giving, being selfless and loving. It is about family, friendships, relationships and bridging past hurts and making amends, it is about forgiveness and moving on. LOVE is the one word that I would use to describe Christmas Spirit. What word would you give it???
Celebrating the holidays with family and friends is supposed to be a joyous time a year, where we set aside our differences and come together in love and unity. It is about giving presents and gifts from the heart and giving of yourself, selflessly without expecting anything in return. It is about fostering and kindling new relationships, rebuilding old ones and moving into a new year with Love and Forgiveness and Peace.
I am curious what does Christmas Spirit mean to you? What do you expect when you think of Holiday Cheer? What are you expecting this holiday season? Is it coming true for you? Are you happy, who do you miss? What is your Christmas Wish for this Holiday Season?
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
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