Despite my many health issues and set backs on this very rough journey I call my life, I am surprised and amazed at reaching my 50 year mark. I have come through some really difficult spots in the road, but I made it through relatively unscathed. My personality and body have battle scars and show definite signs of wear and tear but all in all I am still going strong after all this time. In this blog we have covered many of the battles I have faced and overcome, and many people get the wrong idea that I am a super strong person. They think that I have gotten life and all it's mysteries figured out and they would be so wrong. I am an everyday person who wakes up and faces demons both inside and out of my body. I have a mental addiction to narcotics, and I suffer from severe depression and anxiety to mention just a few of them.
I am also plagued with self-doubt and self-worth issues, and I deem myself unworthy of finding and keeping love. I repeat my own follies and don't seem to learn from my own mistakes, but I have learned that I have the gift of helping people and that by sharing my experiences in this journal of sorts many lives have been touched. I see comments on Facebook and Google + that people leave me regarding what I write and it encourages me to express myself more.
I have just come through a health crisis that has left my body weak and tired. I have found myself lying bed and sleeping most days away. The doctor's tell me that my body is on the mend and that I should be getting my strength back and the sleepiness that I am feeling should fall away from me soon. I hope this is true and that this really isn't a side affect of bout of depression which is keeping me locked down inside myself. I find that when I write in my blog and I purge my soul to you my readers I sometimes feel better about my situation and I find the needed strength to carry on my daily activities and I can cope so much better with the stress and depression I have been feeling.
So here I sit at my laptop and I am pouring out my heart to you once again, even though I just wrote in you just yesterday. But, I couldn't seem to drag myself out of bed today and literally slept till 5pm this evening. I did get up to go to the restroom several times throughout the day but I couldn't bring myself to crawl out of my room or leave my bed for more than 5 minutes at a time. This is not my typical behavior and I am wondering if there isn't something more wrong with me that the doctors haven't figure out yet. For almost 6 weeks I suffered from internal bleeding and on Thursday of this past week I had an endoscopy where the doctor went in cauterized the ulcer that he found bleeding and took some biopsies and sent me home. I was told that I would feel sluggish for a little while, but this hit me 2 days after I had the minor surgery. The at home nurse from Humana suggested that I may be suffering low blood counts with my hemoglobin so low from the blood loss that might be the reason why I am tired all the time. I honestly don't know what my reasons are for feeling like this and I need to look at my schedule closely for the coming week to make sure that I don't miss any of my follow-up appointments because I am hoping to get back on the road to health and start doing stuff for myself and others again.
See, as I look back at what I have been through and all that I have accomplished during the past 25 years I am impressed with the amount of time, energy and emotion I have spent on taking care of others and how selflessly I have given of myself to making sure that my friends and family and extended family were well taken care of. But, this year I have learned that I can't always take care of others for numerous reasons and that I have to be content and happy with whatever level others allow me to participate in their lives. The first lesson is that you can't help everyone, and Second you can only help them if they want your help, otherwise you are meddling in things you shouldn't stick your nose into. Third lesson that I learned is that I can't take care of anyone if I can't take care of myself. Fourth and probably the most important lesson is that it is okay to focus on myself and say NO when I have too. Which, brings me to the fifth and final lesson I cannot continue to give myself, my money, my energy, my love, and my all to everyone that asks for it. I have to be selective and make sure that I am getting back from these individuals what I need to maintain my safety and security and health. Because No one is going to look out for me but myself.
2018 was a growing and learning year for me and I have had to experience more issues and problems so I could learn these valuable lessons. Which are lessons I should have learned a long time ago, but had been so busy trying to help others, and keep my mind occupied with their issues that I didn't have time to focus on myself or my own personal needs. But I was forced this year to take a long hard look at myself and I discovered that by wrapping myself so completely with other peoples issues I was neglecting myself and my own problems and that brought me some serious health issues that I had to deal with over the summer like constant kidney failure, heart issues and long extended stays in the hospital. I spent more time in 2018 in the hospital than I did in 2017 and almost as much as I did back in 2014 when I had my aneurysm and had to have my gallbladder removed and part of my stomach, then spent all of the fall that year in the hospital and rehab center because of osteomyelitis of the spine.
I have grown and learned a lot about human nature, the people I once considered friends, and about myself in 2018 and I am carrying that forward with me into my 50th year of life and 2019. I have learned that many people have hidden agendas that we are never made aware of and they have ulterior motivations for everything they do. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately I am not like them, I am what you see is what you get kind of guy, and if I make you a promise I strive my hardest to make sure I make it happen.
Medical science is still in it's infancy and still cannot predict with any certain accuracy when and if the human body is going to expire. For years they have been telling me that I am not going to make it and every year there is something new that crops up in my life that has the doctors trying to tell me that I am not going to live to see my next birthday, and every year I find a way to make their predictions wrong. One day I might not be able to succeed but not today! My body with the help of the medication that I take daily has controlled the advancement of the diseases that I have been infected with and I am maintaining a sense of health that many of the medical professionals I see are baffled. They can't figure it out and how I can keep going with so many issues wrong with me.
To me it's a no brainer, it isn't my time yet, and God isn't ready to call me home that there is some work left unfinished that I have to complete before my time on this earth is done. Plus, I haven't figure out how not to get up every morning and live. I feel like I need to wake up daily and at least attempt to accomplish something. Like today I feel that I needed to at least write in my blog to make some sort of achievement for today. Yesterday, I accomplished a lot and I have so much stuff coming at me next week that I am going to be going non-stop. I have back to back doctors appointment starting at 8am on Monday and going all the way till Friday with a rest of going to Court on Wednesday for my partner but again that is an early morning as well.
This year isn't going to be typical for me. Ever since I lost all my relatives at Christmas the holidays haven't been special to me or held any special place in my heart. Dominic and I have not spent a single Christmas together in 5 years until this year. I don't really like to decorate or get presents or do the festive holiday themed things that everyone seems to get trapped by. To me it is just another day of the year. So far this year is turning out the same way and I am hoping that something will change this week that will make the difference for me and bring me back to the Holiday festivities and celebration. But I am not really holding my breathe and counting on it. But I am striving towards that as I write this entry.
But here I am with 7 terminal illnesses, I am now 50 years old and I am still going strong. I am still looking out for my partner and friends and I am still taking care of myself. But I am now also following the lessons that I gleaned this year! That is the most important thing that I have found that I need to focus on myself first and take care of everything else after I have done that.
I promise you that if you take the advice given in this entry you will have a more happy and fulfilling 2019. Look forward to pampering and taking care of yourself first. Let those that depend on you take a back seat for once to your own needs. This is not selfish behavior it is truly human nature. Like me you have fallen into the trap of co-dependency and you let other take advantage of you and use your kindness for weakness and your big heart has become a target for abuse and misuse. Take back your power and live. Please don't wait till you are 50 to learn the life lessons I have just now learned. Something I should have known and exercised years ago. Take care of yourself, Love yourself and then look at those around you and see who really is worthy to receive your love and energy, you might find like I did that none of them are worth it and have to move on. If that becomes the case then so be it. AS Long as you are Happy nothing else matters.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
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