Now you might think that I am totally crazy by saying that, but it is honestly true, there are people out there in this great big blue world who know of me, they think they know me, but have heard some half truth messed up version of the real person. I am here to tell you that I am here, you want to know something come to me. Don't think or assume you know anyone by listening to another persons story. All of us are smart enough to realize that to every story there are two different sides, there are two different versions and if you go all the way back to 2013 and read some of my blog entries you can find out how two people living in the same roof can have really different stories. But, woe unto you if you listen to one person's story and do not corroborate it with the other person, because eventually you are going to find out that what you think you know may not be real or even the truth to begin with.
As many of you who have followed my adventures from the beginning and are still hanging with me after all this time you know that I am as honest as it comes on my blog, I find it stupid as hell to lie about what I have gone through, because I know that there are others out there that are going through situations that are similar to what I have gone through or what I am currently going through. So, as I sit and write I am thinking about those poor unfortunate souls who have made judgements about me and have never even met me, all because someone wants to run around and tell a half ass lie. Now, mind you this is not a reflection on me, I have made no such judgements because in some cases I haven't even known about you.
Now, as sick as I have been I have been going it alone, the people who have told me and promised me that they would be at my side during all of this are all gone, and why because they honestly cannot leave the drugs and sex alone, they think that the few minutes of gratification they are feeling when hi is love, but alas how wrong they are. The person who loves you is there for you no matter what through the ups and downs the richer, the poorer and believe it or not when health issues arise.
For years I thought i was building a home for me and my man, and I put every effort into it, and all he would do was get high, and when he came down he would come back and beg forgiveness. I still have the letters that the man wrote too me from jail asking me to spend the rest of my life with him and to please not leave him, that he was sorry for the way he treated me. Now, I come to find out that he is still doing the same things. Lying to people trying to tell them that we weren't together, and that the life I had built for us was nothing. My friend Johnathan told me today that is like going out and telling people that you have never had a blessing.
Keep in mind that the entire time Kerry and I were together he never had to work a day, everything he wanted and needed was provided for by me. Even now when he is hurting and needs money it is to Bryan that he comes. Yet, today I found out through Facebook that he had been dating and seeing someone else. That is cool to certain degree, but when I asked him if he was with someone he would tell me know and he went to great lengths to keep his relationship with this other person a total secret. Yet, why come back to me, why tell me that you miss me and want to come back to Florida? Why several months ago before I got totally messed up physically and ended up in the hospital did he tell me that we weren't broken up we were just separated? None of this makes sense to me.
But as fate would have it, things that are hidden in the dark and secrets kept in shadow are revealed in the light and truth has a way of coming to the surface when we least want it too. Which is why I try very hard to live without lies. But the little casual conversation that I had today with someone in Atlanta, the truth came out in spades. How, I had been denied just like Jesus by Peter. Kerry had told his new friends and partner that he was never with me, that we weren't in a relationship. Now, the truth has been revealed and now the world knows the liar that has been my partner and boyfriend for the past 6 years. I didn't need to do anything for this to come to my door. I was at home minding my own business and taking care of myself when this information was shared with me. But what a surprise it was because now I know 3 more people today than I did yesterday. Yet, every single person knew about me, but what they knew was not the truth and it makes me wonder what Kerry was thinking by telling people these lies. He had to have known that sooner or later the lies would catch up with him like they have always done. No matter how hard he has tried to keep the truth from me in the past it has always come to the fore and been revealed so why wouldn't his actions of late?
Yet, it is not me that I am worried about because I have dealt with this often enough over the past 6 1/2 years, I know Kerry for the person that he is. I know him and his lies all too well, and I have heard them all before. Who I fear for and worry about is Kerry himself, and those others that he has used, abused and messed with their emotions. Because the one thing I have learned is that a wounded person reacts with violence and pain in retribution. I cannot be hurt by his nonsense anymore because I have removed myself from the equation back in March when Kerry left me hi and dry and went back to Atlanta in the first place. I refuse to put myself back in the same situation that I was in before. Kerry needs some help and needs to stop lying to himself and others. But, what Kerry does people don't understand he will tell everyone around him exactly what he thinks that they want to hear. He is a very convincing liar, but he doesn't change and continues to do the same things over and over again.
These other people whose lives he is messing with and fucking up emotionally and mentally and this is going to get him hurt one day. It may not be today but it is coming and I can see it and so can those that care to stand with me. But, as it turned out I think that today has led me to two new people that if cultivated right can grow into a lasting friendship. So as you can see conversations and events can bring you to know people you never knew but who knew about you.
Life with Kerry was never easy and his addictions made it even more difficult. But I have been there through it all and I have tried and wanted to get him help time and again, but everytime he would back out. Kerry tried to tell me that he was done with the drugs, that he had turned his life around that he was getting on some medication for his bi-polar disorder, but non of that was true. When Sterling told me that Kerry was still getting high, I confronted Kerry and was told simply to believe what I wanted to believe, but today the light revealed that once again Kerry was lying not only to me but to all of us that are around him. I am indeed hurt that while I was in the hospital left to rot, Kerry would simply send me to voice mail because he was with his new friend and couldn't be concerned or bothered with what was happening with me.
You don't know how many times Kerry promised to go to counselling with me and get our relationship straight, how he wrote to me from jail in Ft Lauderdale begging me to stay with him, that he had changed and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. However, when he got home I found out that he had met someone in jail and was in a supposed relationship with him and here I was paying $50.00 a day to put money on the phone so he could call me and that is not counting all the money that I put on his books. All, the time he is on the phone telling me how much he missed me and loved me and here he was with someone else in jail.
I don't think I will ever understand his mentality but I do know that he seriously needs help. But, I am thankful that 2 people that I didn't know reached out today and touched me, talked to me and helped me see the man(?) or child that I thought I knew. I know from all the time I have been with him that he has a progressive problem that the seizures he experiences are causing him to revert back to a teenager, but when I was in my late teens and early 20's I knew exactly what I wanted and I went out and got it. I stopped living my life on my own terms because I devoted myself to someone that doesn't even have the courtesy and respect to even admit that he was in a relationship with me. How stupid I feel and how cheated and used I feel, because you know I passed up on some really good people that came and went through my life that could have loved me and I them to stay with the one that didn't give a damn.
Tomorrow is my birthday and I am thankful for the new individuals in my life that brought me light, truth and confirmation of all that I knew but was too afraid to admit to myself.
Thank you for your help guys.
-As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
B
Showing posts with label hidden. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hidden. Show all posts
Sunday, November 30, 2014
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Suicide, Myths and Facts revealed!
Several months ago a friend of mine and I started the Plus Suicide Project on Google +. We created it in response to the increasing number of teen suicides that we saw occurring in the LBGT teen community. However, I felt that I didn't have enough information at my command to deal with this situation in the appropriate manner. Last night I attend a training seminar that is designed toward suicide prevention and make us the first line of defense in the fight against it. The program is designed to train Gatekeepers, these are compassionate, caring individuals that are trained to develop the knowledge, attitude and skills to identify people at risk for suicide. They are trained to manage a crisis situation and get the individual help and assistance as needed. After going through the course I wanted to share some of the information that I learned from it with you. I think it is important to cover the facts about suicide and explore the myths and misconceptions that individuals have about suicide.
If we want to be able to make a difference in peoples lives and help them when they are in crisis, we need to have a firm understanding about what suicide is and what we can do to help the individual that is going through it at every point. Like they say to be forewarned is to be forearmed and it is my hope that the information that is provided here will give you a strong foundation to understand that suicide is a real threat. That it can come from any corner and hit anyone. Depression and a feeling of isolation and not belonging are some of the key factors that lead a person to consider and even try suicide. But let's explore the facts first.
Did you know in the United States one person commits suicide every 17 minutes? I bet you didn't. Suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death in youths ages 15-24 and the 2nd cause of death for ages 25-34. There are 764,000 suicide attempts each year, and that the elderly have the highest rate of suicide. One out of every 100,000 elderly people commit suicide each day. Suicide is the 11th leading cause of death in the U.S. Whatever your beliefs about suicide they are irrelevant, suicide is real and seems like it is the only option left to these people. Most really don't want to die, but cannot see any other alternative and they are just wanting their pain to stop. More people that are contemplating suicide are more comfortable speaking with a clergy member or other member of their church than they are of talking to a mental health professional for a number of reasons, one of which is that it doesn't cost anything, and that they think that a member of their church or even their pastor is part of their family and is there to listen an help them. However, most clergy members and church family is not prepared and doesn't know what to do when in a crisis situation. It is important to be compassionate, caring and a good listener, and never ever leave the person in crisis alone.
So what are some facts and myths that you should be aware of when dealing with a person that is in crisis. Myth: If you ask someone about his/her suicidal intent, you may encourage the idea of completing suicide. Fact: Talking about or asking about suicide will not cause a person to kill himself and will in fact lower their anxiety level and act as a deterrent to suicidal behavior. Myth: Suicide happens without warning and people who talk about killing themselves rarely complete suicide. Fact: Most people who commit suicide have reached out and have given warning clues either verbal or otherwise of their intentions. 80% of those that did commit suicide left definite warning signs of their intent. Fact: Talking about suicide can be a plea for help, not an attempt to manipulate. Fact: Most of those that have committed suicide have spent a lot of time thinking and planning their death in great detail. Myth: If a person is contemplating suicide and asks you not to tell anyone it is important not to break that trust given too you. Fact: When dealing with a suicidal person, you should never ever pledge to keep their confidentiality. The person needs to be followed up on and probably should be referred to help for further assistance. You probably should get a trained professional involved so that they can provide appropriate resources to help the person.
Another myth is that Suicide is more common in people from a higher socioeconomic status. Fact: statistics clearly show there is no typical victim, suicide can happen to anyone from any economical group. Another myth is: A person who has lost a close family member to suicide has a lower risk of suicide because they have learned the pain it causes. Fact: Research has actually shown that a family history of suicide is a significant risk factor and survivors are SIX times as likely to die by suicide than the general public. Myth: You can tell by looking at someone that they may be more likely to commit suicide. Fact: There is no way a person can determine by look alone if a person is likely to commit suicide. There can be no sign of depression, a person can be smiling and bubbly on the outside but still be totally shattered and broken on the inside.
We have become so adapt in wearing our outside masks that we can keep almost anyone in the dark as to our moods and feelings hidden behind. Keep this firmly in mind you cannot look at a person and tell what they are thinking, nor can you tell what they are thinking about suicide. Communication is the key in dealing with situations like this, just like I have pointed out in several posts. Communication and the ability to listen are extremely important in dealing with everyone. You need to really pay attention to what someone is telling you and listen for key words that might indicate that they are thinking about suicide. Compassionate listening and demonstrating that you are sincere in your concerns for another person may just be enough to save another persons life. I have told you before that casual conversation can lead you to many unfamiliar and unexpected places, and this one of them. You never know who might be reaching out to you for help, you have to be paying attention and be a conscientious listener.
So who do you think should have the responsibility of identifying people who may be suicidal or at risk of committing suicide? Do you think it should be the pastor, counselors or mental health professionals? The truth of the matter a person who is thinking about suicide may not have any interaction with one of these professionals, and you are the only one they have. You maybe the only person they are willing to be open and talk with about what they are going through, so it needs to be your responsibility to get them help, so you need to know how to recognize the signs of personal crisis and potential suicide. It is always better to be safe than sorry. Keep in mind that people on drugs or alcohol who are talking about suicide are probably considering it. Remember that drugs and alcohol have a tendency to induce depression and can act to remove inhibitions that would normally prevent a person from contemplating suicide. Research suggest that 20-50% of individuals who have committed suicide have had an alcohol or drug problem. Keep in mind that unless you know the whole story everyone has the potential for suicide there are some factors that make a person more at risk than others, but we will get into that in another article.
What I want you to understand from this is that suicide is a big deal, these statistics that I have been reading show that suicide occurs almost double the homicide rate. Yet we hear more about the homicides than we ever do about the suicides. Bullying, rejection, pain, loss, humiliation and a million other factors can drive someone toward suicide. Be open, receptive and responsive to the needs and concerns of others, be aware of their words, and listen for their cries for help. You will hear them, you will know in your heart that something is off. Talk to them, get them to open up to you and offer them kindness, compassion and help.
Remember that a person who commits suicide leaves behind them 6 people that are suffering and in pain because of their loss. No one is immune to depression, anxiety, fear, and the pile up of emotional baggage that can pull a person under to the point where they feel they are trapped and have no way out.
I hope this opened your eyes a little, there is a silent world out there where people are just disappearing in to the night, lost and alone begging for help to end their pain and suffering. All we have to do is listen and we might be the one that saves another persons life through just a simple act of kindness and caring. Everything is possible.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
If we want to be able to make a difference in peoples lives and help them when they are in crisis, we need to have a firm understanding about what suicide is and what we can do to help the individual that is going through it at every point. Like they say to be forewarned is to be forearmed and it is my hope that the information that is provided here will give you a strong foundation to understand that suicide is a real threat. That it can come from any corner and hit anyone. Depression and a feeling of isolation and not belonging are some of the key factors that lead a person to consider and even try suicide. But let's explore the facts first.
Did you know in the United States one person commits suicide every 17 minutes? I bet you didn't. Suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death in youths ages 15-24 and the 2nd cause of death for ages 25-34. There are 764,000 suicide attempts each year, and that the elderly have the highest rate of suicide. One out of every 100,000 elderly people commit suicide each day. Suicide is the 11th leading cause of death in the U.S. Whatever your beliefs about suicide they are irrelevant, suicide is real and seems like it is the only option left to these people. Most really don't want to die, but cannot see any other alternative and they are just wanting their pain to stop. More people that are contemplating suicide are more comfortable speaking with a clergy member or other member of their church than they are of talking to a mental health professional for a number of reasons, one of which is that it doesn't cost anything, and that they think that a member of their church or even their pastor is part of their family and is there to listen an help them. However, most clergy members and church family is not prepared and doesn't know what to do when in a crisis situation. It is important to be compassionate, caring and a good listener, and never ever leave the person in crisis alone.
So what are some facts and myths that you should be aware of when dealing with a person that is in crisis. Myth: If you ask someone about his/her suicidal intent, you may encourage the idea of completing suicide. Fact: Talking about or asking about suicide will not cause a person to kill himself and will in fact lower their anxiety level and act as a deterrent to suicidal behavior. Myth: Suicide happens without warning and people who talk about killing themselves rarely complete suicide. Fact: Most people who commit suicide have reached out and have given warning clues either verbal or otherwise of their intentions. 80% of those that did commit suicide left definite warning signs of their intent. Fact: Talking about suicide can be a plea for help, not an attempt to manipulate. Fact: Most of those that have committed suicide have spent a lot of time thinking and planning their death in great detail. Myth: If a person is contemplating suicide and asks you not to tell anyone it is important not to break that trust given too you. Fact: When dealing with a suicidal person, you should never ever pledge to keep their confidentiality. The person needs to be followed up on and probably should be referred to help for further assistance. You probably should get a trained professional involved so that they can provide appropriate resources to help the person.
Another myth is that Suicide is more common in people from a higher socioeconomic status. Fact: statistics clearly show there is no typical victim, suicide can happen to anyone from any economical group. Another myth is: A person who has lost a close family member to suicide has a lower risk of suicide because they have learned the pain it causes. Fact: Research has actually shown that a family history of suicide is a significant risk factor and survivors are SIX times as likely to die by suicide than the general public. Myth: You can tell by looking at someone that they may be more likely to commit suicide. Fact: There is no way a person can determine by look alone if a person is likely to commit suicide. There can be no sign of depression, a person can be smiling and bubbly on the outside but still be totally shattered and broken on the inside.
We have become so adapt in wearing our outside masks that we can keep almost anyone in the dark as to our moods and feelings hidden behind. Keep this firmly in mind you cannot look at a person and tell what they are thinking, nor can you tell what they are thinking about suicide. Communication is the key in dealing with situations like this, just like I have pointed out in several posts. Communication and the ability to listen are extremely important in dealing with everyone. You need to really pay attention to what someone is telling you and listen for key words that might indicate that they are thinking about suicide. Compassionate listening and demonstrating that you are sincere in your concerns for another person may just be enough to save another persons life. I have told you before that casual conversation can lead you to many unfamiliar and unexpected places, and this one of them. You never know who might be reaching out to you for help, you have to be paying attention and be a conscientious listener.
So who do you think should have the responsibility of identifying people who may be suicidal or at risk of committing suicide? Do you think it should be the pastor, counselors or mental health professionals? The truth of the matter a person who is thinking about suicide may not have any interaction with one of these professionals, and you are the only one they have. You maybe the only person they are willing to be open and talk with about what they are going through, so it needs to be your responsibility to get them help, so you need to know how to recognize the signs of personal crisis and potential suicide. It is always better to be safe than sorry. Keep in mind that people on drugs or alcohol who are talking about suicide are probably considering it. Remember that drugs and alcohol have a tendency to induce depression and can act to remove inhibitions that would normally prevent a person from contemplating suicide. Research suggest that 20-50% of individuals who have committed suicide have had an alcohol or drug problem. Keep in mind that unless you know the whole story everyone has the potential for suicide there are some factors that make a person more at risk than others, but we will get into that in another article.
What I want you to understand from this is that suicide is a big deal, these statistics that I have been reading show that suicide occurs almost double the homicide rate. Yet we hear more about the homicides than we ever do about the suicides. Bullying, rejection, pain, loss, humiliation and a million other factors can drive someone toward suicide. Be open, receptive and responsive to the needs and concerns of others, be aware of their words, and listen for their cries for help. You will hear them, you will know in your heart that something is off. Talk to them, get them to open up to you and offer them kindness, compassion and help.
Remember that a person who commits suicide leaves behind them 6 people that are suffering and in pain because of their loss. No one is immune to depression, anxiety, fear, and the pile up of emotional baggage that can pull a person under to the point where they feel they are trapped and have no way out.
I hope this opened your eyes a little, there is a silent world out there where people are just disappearing in to the night, lost and alone begging for help to end their pain and suffering. All we have to do is listen and we might be the one that saves another persons life through just a simple act of kindness and caring. Everything is possible.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Monday, July 2, 2012
What would you do if you knew the world was ending?
I was watching a movie called "4:44" last night and it was about the world's last day, it is told from the point of view of an artist and a writer and how they spend their last day on earth. It got me thinking on what I would do if I knew that the world was ending at a specific time. I am not sure I could have handled the news of impending doom with such grace and conviction. Facing my own mortality has been enough of a struggle and I am thankful for the knowledge that no one knows the time or manner of my demise. I like the fact that the doctor's don't know if I am going to live or die tomorrow, that no matter their predictions and worrying and all their tests they cannot narrow down enough to give me a date and time that I may leave this earth.
For years now I have been beating the odds that have been stacked against me, and even when I longed for deaths embrace it wouldn't even come. You would be surprised at the depths and lengths I went to trying to make my end come forth. I did everything you can imagine to put my life in risk. I even lived on the street for several months, knowing full well that my health was in peril. See I had found out in October of 2011 that my kidneys had begun to fail and yet I chose the path that I was on and did nothing to change it direction. In my reckless haste I ended up loosing two of my dear and closest friends, my two dogs Skylar and Madison. I had left Texas to try and save Madison and all I did was postpone the inevitable. I got back to Atlanta the 3rd of January and by November they were taken from me and put to sleep. I wish things could have been different, but due to circumstances and choices I have made I sealed their fate and have to live with those consequences for the rest of my days.
Even now, knowing that my life is not going to get any different and that it is just a matter of time till end up dying. I hope that I have the grace and courage to face the end with dignity. See even after all my reckless abandon I am not sure that I really want to die. Even now, I am working with my doctor's to try and figure out the next steps in my healthcare and how they are going to address kidney failure and the advancing Hepatitis C. I believe that the next steps since my surgery was a failure, is going to be a series of dialysis and interferon treatments to address Hep C. But again, going to have to wait and see what they offer on July 9th.
What all of you don't know is that my struggle has been a silent one, and one that was hidden from most people that were not close to me. I kept hidden from everyone around me the depths of my despair and surrounded myself with others who were as damaged and hurt as I was. These people accepted my drug use as being a part of them and not some design in a greater scheme of personal destruction. I would like you all to know that something amazing happened on this journey, it was an unexpected development and something that I never thought could possibly happen. People started looking at me with eyes of respect. Admiring my will to survive and the courage to continue to fight. What I kept hidden was my overwhelming desire to through it all in. I had been fighting this battle for 20 years and I am tired. However, as I started talking to others and finding out the strength and courage they were taking from my experiences, I knew that I had to continue that there was a lesson here that needed to be taught. So after learning all of this I gathered my courage around me and made a call to my dad. I told him about my health condition and the severity of it. He offered to let me come and stay with him and my step mom for awhile till I get back on my feet.
I wasn't here even a month when I had to have emergency surgery because my colon ruptured in 2 places. I have had 4 surgeries since March and I am still here. I am still fighting and I have taken up several causes to help shift my mental focus and energies towards others who are in need. So here is the crux of the matter of this entry, do you want to live your life with love, laughter, grace and dignity? I know that I do. I want to live my life as an example to show others that life continues and goes on even in the face of terminal illness and disease. I want others to know that life and living is a matter of the mind, even if your world seems to be collapsing around your ears. Positive thinking and personal involvement in living are necessary to achieve a lasting and fulfilling life. Remember your family and love them because Life is not worth living without family.
Self destruction and a defeatist attitude cannot win out if you stay positive and strong in your beliefs. It is important to remember yourself and those who are with you in your struggles. You never know that when you see someone it might be the last time you ever get to see them. Live life every day like it is your last one, and take time to always enjoy those around you and appreciate them, because they are struggling with you and feel a pain as deep or deeper than you can imagine. They struggle and rail against what is happening to you and they watch on helplessly knowing that they can do nothing but be there for you. Tell them thank you and you appreciate the sacrifices they are making for you and tell them how much they have made your life so much easier. Everyone needs to be loved and appreciated and you need to recognize the struggles they are going through with you and alone. Sometimes they feel so overwhelmed and burdened to the breaking point. Give them a hug, a kiss, a shout of recognition will go a long way to ease their pain and burden. Trust me I know what I am talking about here.
So again I ask you what would you do if you knew the world was ending? I know what I am going to do, and what I have been doing since I found out how sick I really was. I am reaching out across the miles and the hurt and the pain to those who suffered with me and cared for me. Whose life's are entangled with mine, and without whom I wouldn't be here today. I know I cannot thank them enough, I cannot make up for the past hurts, but I can move on knowing that I have made my peace with them and have thanked them and acknowledged everything that they did for me. I want every day that I live to be full of nothing but laughter, love and joy, and I want to bring that and so much more to everyone around me. I ask that you keep me in your thoughts and prayers, and I ask that you look inward to yourself, and take the time to smell the roses, acknowledge those around you, sincerely see the choices and sacrifices they have made for you and tell them thank you and how much you love them.
Keep a smile on your face, joy in your heart and positive outlook on the future and you never ever know how long that is going to be. You might be like me and outlive all the dire predictions and doomsayers and you could and probably will out live them all.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
For years now I have been beating the odds that have been stacked against me, and even when I longed for deaths embrace it wouldn't even come. You would be surprised at the depths and lengths I went to trying to make my end come forth. I did everything you can imagine to put my life in risk. I even lived on the street for several months, knowing full well that my health was in peril. See I had found out in October of 2011 that my kidneys had begun to fail and yet I chose the path that I was on and did nothing to change it direction. In my reckless haste I ended up loosing two of my dear and closest friends, my two dogs Skylar and Madison. I had left Texas to try and save Madison and all I did was postpone the inevitable. I got back to Atlanta the 3rd of January and by November they were taken from me and put to sleep. I wish things could have been different, but due to circumstances and choices I have made I sealed their fate and have to live with those consequences for the rest of my days.
Even now, knowing that my life is not going to get any different and that it is just a matter of time till end up dying. I hope that I have the grace and courage to face the end with dignity. See even after all my reckless abandon I am not sure that I really want to die. Even now, I am working with my doctor's to try and figure out the next steps in my healthcare and how they are going to address kidney failure and the advancing Hepatitis C. I believe that the next steps since my surgery was a failure, is going to be a series of dialysis and interferon treatments to address Hep C. But again, going to have to wait and see what they offer on July 9th.
What all of you don't know is that my struggle has been a silent one, and one that was hidden from most people that were not close to me. I kept hidden from everyone around me the depths of my despair and surrounded myself with others who were as damaged and hurt as I was. These people accepted my drug use as being a part of them and not some design in a greater scheme of personal destruction. I would like you all to know that something amazing happened on this journey, it was an unexpected development and something that I never thought could possibly happen. People started looking at me with eyes of respect. Admiring my will to survive and the courage to continue to fight. What I kept hidden was my overwhelming desire to through it all in. I had been fighting this battle for 20 years and I am tired. However, as I started talking to others and finding out the strength and courage they were taking from my experiences, I knew that I had to continue that there was a lesson here that needed to be taught. So after learning all of this I gathered my courage around me and made a call to my dad. I told him about my health condition and the severity of it. He offered to let me come and stay with him and my step mom for awhile till I get back on my feet.
I wasn't here even a month when I had to have emergency surgery because my colon ruptured in 2 places. I have had 4 surgeries since March and I am still here. I am still fighting and I have taken up several causes to help shift my mental focus and energies towards others who are in need. So here is the crux of the matter of this entry, do you want to live your life with love, laughter, grace and dignity? I know that I do. I want to live my life as an example to show others that life continues and goes on even in the face of terminal illness and disease. I want others to know that life and living is a matter of the mind, even if your world seems to be collapsing around your ears. Positive thinking and personal involvement in living are necessary to achieve a lasting and fulfilling life. Remember your family and love them because Life is not worth living without family.
Self destruction and a defeatist attitude cannot win out if you stay positive and strong in your beliefs. It is important to remember yourself and those who are with you in your struggles. You never know that when you see someone it might be the last time you ever get to see them. Live life every day like it is your last one, and take time to always enjoy those around you and appreciate them, because they are struggling with you and feel a pain as deep or deeper than you can imagine. They struggle and rail against what is happening to you and they watch on helplessly knowing that they can do nothing but be there for you. Tell them thank you and you appreciate the sacrifices they are making for you and tell them how much they have made your life so much easier. Everyone needs to be loved and appreciated and you need to recognize the struggles they are going through with you and alone. Sometimes they feel so overwhelmed and burdened to the breaking point. Give them a hug, a kiss, a shout of recognition will go a long way to ease their pain and burden. Trust me I know what I am talking about here.
So again I ask you what would you do if you knew the world was ending? I know what I am going to do, and what I have been doing since I found out how sick I really was. I am reaching out across the miles and the hurt and the pain to those who suffered with me and cared for me. Whose life's are entangled with mine, and without whom I wouldn't be here today. I know I cannot thank them enough, I cannot make up for the past hurts, but I can move on knowing that I have made my peace with them and have thanked them and acknowledged everything that they did for me. I want every day that I live to be full of nothing but laughter, love and joy, and I want to bring that and so much more to everyone around me. I ask that you keep me in your thoughts and prayers, and I ask that you look inward to yourself, and take the time to smell the roses, acknowledge those around you, sincerely see the choices and sacrifices they have made for you and tell them thank you and how much you love them.
Keep a smile on your face, joy in your heart and positive outlook on the future and you never ever know how long that is going to be. You might be like me and outlive all the dire predictions and doomsayers and you could and probably will out live them all.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
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