Marching Onward with Time

You cannot hold back the hands of time, they march ever onward never stopping. Seconds turn to Minutes, Minutes to Hours, Hours to Days, Days to Weeks and Weeks turn to Months, Months to Years.

Everything has a progression there is no stopping the ticking of the clock, the hour hand moves inevitably towards tomorrow.  Nothing can last against it's angry sway.  Even month move into seasons and seasons into years and then starts all over again.  It is an endless cycle that has no end.  

No matter what you do the human body cannot fight against time, and aging takes place. Though it's passage is slow the evidence becomes apparent soon enough first comes the roll, then the wrinkles, the hair thins and grays, the lines deepen around the eyes.  Nothing prepares us for this eternal march.

Life is full of events that make up episodes and those episodes play out into the span of months and years nothing changes the fact that time doesn't slow down not even a fraction, no matter what you do or try.  Nothing has any permanence anymore, everything is made to break down and be replaced this is what the world has devolved to in the modern age.

But with every invention that eases the burdens of man, time is the great equalizer making all things the same. equal. No one can run the race against time and win, because the body will give out way before the clock on the wall stops its ever onward rotation.  We have trained ourselves to celebrate these passing years as a type of victory, that marks the year of our birth.  Nothing can take that away from us that small victory that we celebrate with each passing year of life.

Judge not what others do for they are playing out their own version of the same story that you are in. Though the characters change everyone of is fraught with a multitude of issues, everyone has them no one is exempt from them.  How we deal with them and move forward is what defines us.  But in the case of time, our bodies slow and break down but in most cases the mind stays nimble and alert.  Looking out for familiar patterns and doing things that make our world unique and our own. Stop for a moment and look at the world around us and see what is taking place around you and you will be amazed at how other's lives parallel yours.  No one is exempt from the tolling bell and we will all succumb to the numb darkness of death in our own time.

Nothing tells us the day or the hour in which we will pass from this world to the next but you can be assured that the clock on the wall is keeping track of every second that you remain in this plane. Nothing can change the fact that even though time was created by man to help them navigate the daily rotation of the sun around the earth it also helps us measure the path that we take daily.  We use it to govern our lives and we come close to worshiping it.  Because we each have things that we need to accomplish during certain parts of the day.  

Years treat each person differently and nothing stays the same forever, each of us is just going through time floating like a ship adrift on the sea.  There is no compass to guide us just the rotation of the hand against our brains.  We have ingrained upon ourselves the necessity to abide by time and therefore it controls almost every aspect of our lives. We punch a clock when we work, we go to sleep at a certain time, get up and start it all over again.  This is not how it is supposed to be. But we are human and need guidelines and rules to keep us going at a steady pace so that each day is fulfilled to the fullest, or that is what the majority of humanity thinks.

I don't care what anyone else thinks or believes, because no matter what the march of time might have done to me I am still here chugging along, and yes I am 50 now, but I still feel like I am in my 30's. Yes I have a few more aches and pains then I used to but guess what I don't look anywhere near my age and I am still able to get out and do all that I need to to get through the day, I don't have to punch a time clock and I still survive. I do things when the time is appropriate for me and not for others.  I try to abide by the structure so that I can make to appointments and stuff like that but I will tell you other than that time hold real no meaning for me in this life anymore. Each day is a challenge and I start them all the same as a brand new slate with nothing etched in it and I can screw it up anyway that I want and I am content to live like that.  

Dimly I am aware that time passes and I acknowledge that passing with a glance and a move forward, because with each new down is a world that is open to interpretation and new mysteries and adventures are to be had. I am not locked into a single way of life and I keep surprising myself with all that I get done in a single day. How is time treating you and how well are you holding up under the pressure of age?

Let me know I would like to hear your thoughts about this.

As always you are in my hopes and dreams,

Uncle B

Give and Take

I give and you take this is the story of my life.  Or has been up till now, for years I was walking around invisible, the man behind the men in my life.  I was taking care of the messes, the issues, the financials but I was behind the scenes.  No one ever cared about my feelings, I was the one making all the sacrifices and the hard decision that needed to be made. I was essentially on my own taking care of everyone around me in ways that they didn't even consider.  Now that I have reached the ripe ole age of 50 I am beginning to start a new chapter in my life and I don't want to be confined to the backseat role that I have always had.

No that life isn't for me anymore. I am not content just staying in the background and lurking in the shadows. I want the world to see me and I want center stage for a change.  Someone needs to put me first and foremost in their life and if they can't do it, then it is time for me to move on.  My name should have been Mat because essentially that is what I relegated myself too. I became the doormat for everyone to walk across as they came upon me.  In order to get to the other side they had to walk right over me and you know what I let them.  By holding in the hurt, sadness, disappointment and anger that I felt, I passively let each person continue on like I was just a fly necessary but a nuisance.  I am very tired of feeling that way, and I have come to the point in my life, that it has become alright if I am alone. 

I don't need anyone else to make me feel worse about myself than I already do.  I need someone to lift me up and put me as priority and I will not settle anymore for less than that.  With everything that I have been through and all that I have endured you would think that a simple relationship would be easy for me, but it has been the hardest work of my life, and I am still in a position where I feel like I am second rate.  I should feel like a champion, I should have strength of mind and body to ensure that I am taking care of.  Yet, for some reason I have yet to understand, I seem to put everyone else ahead of me and I am surprised when I end up getting hurt by them.  Nothing has ever prepared me for the treachery of the human mind, and I guess that I have been setting myself up for failure all along, by not being able to remain alone, I open myself up to the predators of the world.  They see my kind heart and good nature as a plaything that they can manipulate and use me.  Guilt is their most effective weapon and I have begun withdrawing myself from the world and those around me. I am not going to be used and walked on for the rest of my life.

Somewhere out there there has to be some soul that is sympathetic to mine and who will love me and cherish me as much as I do them.  All my friends tell me that I am a wonderful and beautiful person, so why can't I find a partner who see's me as they do?  Why must I only find those that choose to use me and manipulate me, that eventually leave me broken hearted and damaged and alone.  Where I have to pick up the shattered remains of my life and move on by myself, struggling to come to grips with the fact that the person I have spent my time, energy, money and resources on doesn't care enough to stay around when I need them the most.

Once upon a time there was someone that I grew close too and we were together a long time, we did everything together, though at first we didn't like one another something happened and 10 years later I am wondering where he went and why he left.  When he was seriously ill I stayed with him and took care of him, got him back to health and put up with him going out and leaving for days on end and hooking up with other people, but eventually I went through a similar medical situation and I needed him and guess what after all that time together off and on he took off and never came back.  I was younger then and I was able to finally slowly recover on my own, but in the long run things never got back to same place.  Yes, we have stayed in touch but we have never gotten back together and that is no longer in the cards for us. We have drifted apart and taken different paths that are no longer in sync with one another, instead of converging at this point they are diverging and getting wider apart with each passing year.

A relationship is supposed to be a mutual agreement between two people that have similar goals and desires who choose to team up and help each other achieve those said goals.  It is a partnership based on trust and compromise, that also has a physical aspect to it that makes it worthwhile.  If said relationship lacks any of these qualities it falls apart fairly rapidly.  One party or the other is unhappy and tensions build inside and tear the thing apart.  Usually, one or the other partner cares more about one than the other and that is what makes it so easy for it to be torn apart.  But the one that loves the least ends up with the power in the relationship because they end up being the one that has the strength to leave and move on with their lives the easiest.  The one with the most love invested in the situation is the one that is left behind hurt and wondering what really went wrong with the situation in the first place.  Most of the time they are blissfully unaware that their partner is unhappy and wandering.  They have the most time and money also invested in the relationship so when they other leaves the other is ruined both emotionally, financially and worse off mentally.

My whole life has been a series of this unfortunate unions and you would think that I would have learned how to guard my heart and let a callous form around it to protect it from giving out that love again so easily, but in my case that would mean a total alteration in my personality and I am afraid that I would lose the big heart that I am known for.  It is a pattern of behavior that I have to learn to break otherwise it will continue to happen to me over and over again if I let it.

I talk about patterns a lot and how we as individuals can get locked in to those patterns and if repeated enough they become second nature too us and become a habit.  The courts call this Habitual Offense it proves a proven pattern of repeat behavior that will continue unless the cycle is somehow broken. The legal system feels that incarceration is the answer to break these patterns of behavior, but I don't think that works out like they hope, because in my experience once that person is released from jail they immediately revert to the old familiar patterns.  My belief is that we can only break a pattern of behavior if we chose to directly replace that pattern with a different one that yields better results.  Habits can be broken but take time and a lot of practice, they also need to be watched and worked at vigorously to keep them broken or they creep back and we relapse.  Patterns are so ingrained in us that they cannot be broken they have to be replaced.  I know that I said that I believe that patterns if done enough become habit, but now that I focus on it more closely the truth has become evident it is the habits that if done long enough become patterns and those patterns in turn keep us locked into a cycle of behavior that our mind just accepts as it's new reality.    To truly break out of pattern we much replace it like I said and that requires us to change the entire parameters that make up the pattern, such as people, place, things, situations, triggers and memories.  This becomes truly hard and that is why addiction is such a hard thing to overcome and why many people fall back and relapse time after time.

Nothing is easy in this life and if it hurts you learn from it and it changes you both fundamentally and mentally.  I find that the more you have to work for and the harder you strive to get what you want the more you cherish what you achieve. With this in mind and a positive mental attitude you can achieve anything that you set your sights on.  No one promised you that life would not have issues or difficulties along the way, and we are creatures of habit and fall into patterns of habit that become hard to break, but everything in this world can be changed if you put your mind to it.  Always remember that every situation has a time limit. Every event that happens in your life is only temporary and will soon pass by.  So at this point whatever difficulty you are facing, whether it is something that you know how to accomplish or not, keep in mind that it is just a flash in the pan, and that life will continue on.  Minutes keep ticking by even in your are laying down, they keep going if you are in jail or sick and in the hospital.  Nothing is forever but death and thoughts, and time.  Everything else will pass by if you just keep going. 

Some of the fundamental tenants that I live by is that you can change the outlook on things by changing your point of view and you can alter your perception of things by adjusting your mental attitude.  Life is full of a series of roadblocks, pitfalls, and traps, but these only serve to make your stronger for the journey ahead.  Also that it is not the destination that matter but the path you choose to take because that is what is going to define you.  Never look back on your past and be disappointed in where you are, look closely to the journey you took to get there and all the things that you have learned along the way.  A positive mental attitude will set you up for a very positive day and will disperse any negative energy that might be lingering in your path. Smile and be glad of heart because you have a new day to rejoice in with no mistakes in it, so go ahead and screw it up your worst because you will have another chance to do it all again tomorrow.  Don't let other peoples opinions way you down, march to your own drum and be your own individual, because in the long run only you can create your own happiness, no one can do it for you.  Always remember that you never know where a casual conversation will lead you and who you might meet because of it.  Life is full of mysteries, learn a little something new everyday and you will feel better and like you have accomplished something.  I could go on but I think that you are getting the point.

But the final thought that I want to leave with you before I close out this entry is that never take more than you give, and never keep those around that are taking more than they are giving back because those that don't give as much as you will eventually throw you out of balance and cause you negativity to build up in your life you don't need that, cut them loose because they really aren't good friends and they are definitely healthy for you to keep around you.  Negative energy attracts more negative energy, and the opposite is true as well positive attracts positive and will increase your longevity in the long run.  I am living proof of that

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Nothing prepares us for the future

My birthday just passed on December 1, 2018 and I reached my 50th birthday.  A mark in my personal history that I thought I would never reach.  Many of you know my story and my history and have known that I have been sick for a very long time.  That almost 27 years ago now I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Large Cell Lymphoma that destroyed most of my Large and Small intestines.  I have been lucky and have survived through many things throughout the years. But nothing ever prepares you for the future.  It is true that with each illness I have gained knowledge and strength, I have been surprised with the ferocity that the illness returns each time.   Even now I am being plagued by internal bleeding and not knowing what is actually wrong and causing it.  I have spent most of the month of November in and out of the hospital, had to have blood transfusions and a battery of tests that were inconclusive and didn't shed any light on my recent illness and lack of strength.

2018 has been a strange year for me. It moved fairly rapidly and many things happened that have left me with my head spinning and less of an understanding regarding human nature.  It is also true that the strong prey on the weak, and people constantly try to take advantage of the ones that they think are weaker or nicer then themselves.  I have been constantly embroiled in a battle since 2010 where I have been continually used and abused by people I struggled to help and who I thought I was doing good by.  When I ran into difficulties of my own, I found myself struggling alone and there was no one around willing to help me in the same ways that I had helped them.  I bounced around and was struggling constantly battling drug abuse, homelessness and hunger.  Several times I attempted to change my circumstances and twice things rebounded on me and I ended up on my own and all alone again.

I lost a lot of friends and acquaintances over the past 2 years to drug overdose and complications to HIV/AIDS it hasn't been a comforting thought.  I never thought that I would face such loss.  Now that 2018 is drawing to a close I am reminded that some of my very best friends are no longer here.  Every one of my family members is sick currently, and none of the prognosis's are good.  My father is battling in operable stage 4 lung cancer, and my brother is battling end-stage renal disease, my mother is paralyzed from the waist down and has been extremely sick since June.  All of us have been going through hospitalizations and multiple doctor visits.

We also lost my dad's youngest brother in November to Lung cancer and the family is still in shock about that.  It is unfortunate that as we get older our bodies tend to weaken and our ability to heal slows and we don't recover as fast as we did when we were younger.  It is hard to believe that I am 50 years old now, that I have reached middle age and haven't really grasped the essential concepts of how to live and survive on my own.  My entire life I have been constantly surrounded by other people and have been a care-giver.  I thought that by now I would have at least learned the basics of survival and living on my own.  But unfortunately, somehow I missed those life lessons.

Nothing that I have been through has prepared me for the future that is looming in front of me.  I am suffering from the loss of many of my friends and a support network.  I am in love with someone that I realize doesn't honestly feel the same way for me.  I struggle with depression and dependence issues and I also have a desire to change my outlook on life.  With the possible loss of my family closing in on the horizon, I am afraid of what I am going to find when I am all alone.  I have never learned how to survive on my own and I struggle daily to overcome my own depression and weaknesses.  I am afraid that once I loose my parents I will be totally lost and will not know what to do with the rest of my life.

None of my dreams ever included me outliving my friends, peers or my parents.  I thought when I was diagnosed with cancer that it was the end for me but I have survived longer then most other people and I have overcome so many obstacles and outlived so many predictions of my demise.  I am not sure what I actually thought my life was going to be like, but this is not what I imagined when I left Orlando the first time and followed Joe Royer to Atlanta.  I never imagined in a million years that I would suffer from Colon cancer and that I would become disabled at such a young age.  I never really faced the truth of it all preferring to loose myself in drug use and addiction.  I surrounded myself by like minded individuals and created relationships and sexual partnerships with those that were lost in that world.  I have clung to the tapestry of my life and my existence because I really knew no other way.  Now I am back in Orlando, back where it all started and some of the same people that I have known from my past are here as well. I am trying to rekindle those lost friendships and relationships trying to rebuild my life and change the course of self-destruction that I have been on.

I don't understand what the future has in store for me but I know that I don't want to continue down the path that I have been going down for so long.  I want to change and by doing so I need to change everything about my life and what I have going on around me.  I want my partner to be with me, but if he doesn't want me in the same way that I want him then I am afraid that I am just waisting my time all over again and just setting myself up for heartache and pain.  I am going to stop writing tonight and continue this more in morning when I have more time to reflect on my life and situation.

Till we meet again in the morning!  Well it is actually a few days later I am picking up where I left off.  Today is now the 9th of December and I have gained a few more insights into the world that I was writing about the other day and I wanted to finish up on the topic of Nothing Prepares Us for the Future.  From the previous written dialogue you can see that I wasn't given a manual in which spelled out the answers to all of life's problems and made it easier to live by.  No after Joe and I broke up my life changed dramatically, I couldn't seem to pull myself together in any way that mattered.  I have struggled from that moment on till now, I can't explain it.  But the lessons I should have picked up along the way I didn't or maybe have forgotten. I pushed myself further into my misery and drug addiction and as I said surrounded myself by like minded individuals.  I lost myself and my direction and it has taken me years to come back to the realization that I am a person and that I do matter and that I do count and that I have purpose and meaning.  I still haven't made it back to my go out and get what I want personality but I am striving daily to reach it.

I realized not too long ago that when I left Orlando and went to Atlanta I had a go getter mindset.  I saw what I wanted and I set about getting it.  Years of being with Joe softened me and then illness struck and I lost heart and hope.  I gave up literally because I couldn't see a future with me being the broken and lost person that I was.  I suffered and still do at times from the illusion that the Gay lifestyle and world couldn't accept me, that I was a broken person and that I had no place in either gay or straight society. I was hurt and lost, I drifted aimlessly for years feeling sorry for myself and I left so many friends and loved ones behind in my self-pity trip.  Luckily many of them have stayed on the edges of my life all these years and I hear from them every once in awhile.  But here I am now at 50 and I am looking at my life and wondering where to go and how to begin again.  As you may be aware I have never figured out how to give up or surrender.  I just couldn't figure out how to stop living, waking up in the morning and going on with life.

For many years I dedicated myself to the service of other people, trying to help out where I could and take care of those that needed it.  I threw myself into trying to take care of everyone and being there to help others that were in need.  In other words I gave myself over to the service of others and I put their needs ahead of my own.  In a sense this worked to give me a purpose and I woke up daily to take care of those that I felt were less fortunate than me and who needed my help.  By focusing on their needs I was able to put my own to the back of my mind and focus totally on them.  This maybe the very reason why I am still with you today.  I selflessly dedicated myself to helping and taking care of others. I created a huge extended family and I struggled to take care of each and every person that I cared about.  This may seem crazy to you but I believe that by doing this I was able to live a much longer and fuller life than I normally would have.  I believe that my dedication to others is what helped me survive all the sickness and illness that plagued me through the years and helped give me the desired will to survive so that I could continue taking care of those that mattered to me.

Food for thought:  We are not able to chose our own family but we do have the ability to create and extended family that we can relate to and who is there to support us and nurture us and we offer similar support back in return.  Many of you are in my extended family and I am grateful to have each and every one of you in my life.

As I am looking back on the days that have gone by and I be extremely honest with myself we endured a lot and overcame so many hardships that bonded us together in ways that others just couldn't understand.  Despite that we are all separated by distance now and have scattered to the 4 winds.  Some of us still in Atlanta, others in California, Florida, Texas, Chicago and other places we are still a family and what brought us together is apart of us forever.  Our mutual experiences and the challenges that we faced and overcome together have bonded us in ways that make us irreplaceable in each others lives.  No one can take the place you hold in my heart ever and no one will ever be able to replace what you mean to me and how you are a part of me.  Each of us has left their mark on the other and that has helped shape us into the people that we have become.  I know that it might seem like I was complaining earlier about my life and the losses that I suffered and have endured but the truth is I wouldn't change any of it for the world because if I did I wouldn't be the same person that I am today and you wouldn't be in my life making me a better person.

I may not have learned how to take care of myself and learned how to live alone, but I learned something just as equally important.  I learned how to take care and appreciate others, I learned how personal sacrifice and dedication of the heart and spirit to the wellbeing of others is helpful to ourselves. If I hadn't I probably wouldn't be here today.  Many of you would have to visit my resting place and wouldn't be able to talk to me like you can today.  So let me thank you for helping me learn this lesson and for giving me the strength to carry on when all seemed so hopeless around me.  Understand and know that you are the life source that has kept me alive and healthy all of these years.

Now that I am looking toward the future and many of us have been scattered to the 4 corners of the earth I am struck by the over powering desire to reconcile all of my differences with everyone, to apologize for the wrongs that I have done and the sins that I may have committed against you.  I want to rekindle the relationships the friendships and bridge the hurts, the harsh words and bitter emotions that might be separating us. I want to be your friend again, and be able to count you as mine and for us to be there for one another because lets face it none of us are getting any younger. We are going to need each other and we once supported one another and will probably need to do it again as we move forward.

I was feeling melancholy when I started writing this entry into my blog, but I am feeling better now that I am drawing to a close.  My desire above all else is for us to all come together again in person.  I still have a dream that has been with me for a long time now.  In the future we are all of going to need a place to call home.  Many of you might remember us talking about and joking about me starting a retirement home, I used to call it Mommas Home for Wayward Homosexuals.  It is my dream to buy a huge mansion one day and bring all of us who know and love each other back together again and have our own place.  A place where everyone has a place there are no expectations, no recriminations and everyone can live out the rest of their lives in happiness and friendship, surrounded by love, light and happiness.  This is not an impossible dream or goal and might be something that we could all accomplish together.  Creating our own compound where we all live and work together to build a stronger and brighter future for ourselves and where each of us is able to live stress and debt free.

Please let's try and make my dream a reality.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Confessions of an Addict

I woke up in a haze and wondered how if today was the day I would change my ways.

You came in and handed me a syringe and there I start my endless binge.

A wake me up, a pick me up and then a shot to make it through, my days flash through and it was all I knew.

Something missing the search is on, but it was well and truly gone, no one saw, never touched and still it can't be found it's nearly dawn.

I don't know where I am going to lay my head, I have been on my feet and walked on and on I am nearly dead.

I am broke and fading, I spent the day contemplating and still I can't figure out what's the joke.

No food no home I am on my own, so it down the streets I roam.

Homeless and worried about my high never thinking that I should ask my self why?

I have given my all to those around me, shared and tried to be fair, but in the end it is me that is left with nothing to show and my cupboards are still bare.

Every day the endless cycle begins, I don't know how to make it end, I am stuck and alone with nothing to call my own.

That is they way I feel each and every day, I know I have got to find another way,

But all my friends are just like me full of false hope and drudgery.

My days and night were filled with hopeless despair until I decided that realized that it was all more than I could bear so made a change and left it all behind and I chose a different path to grind.

Now things are so much better than they were before and I don't feel like my life is at chaos and war.

*********

This is dedicate to all those who I have left behind who are still struggling and railing against the grand design.  I hope that soon you will find peace that comes with recovery and clear headedness.

All my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Finally Alone but not at Peace.

I am not sure how many of you remember my life, and history, but you can find it here in the pages and posts of my blog.  One of the people that used to care about me told me once that I shouldn't put all my business out there on social media for the world to see.  That I would learn better, now Reggie told me that back in 2015 and here we are 3 years later and I find myself still doing the same thing.  But here is what Mr. Williams didn't know or care to understand back then is that I am trying to redirect my personality, my desire to help other people instead of opening my home and providing everything for them like I used to do, I now use my life as an example to hopefully impart and pass on some of the lessons I have learned.  In this way I can actually reach and help more people than my feeble efforts I was attempting when I lived in Atlanta and Daytona.  It has taken me a long time to get to this point and I have been working on it since 2012 and it still isn't quite sunk into my thick skull yet.  Tonight I am reminded of something my ex-lover Sterling Williams once said to me "Bryan it really isn't you it is all the extra that comes with you!" I remember sitting at the dining room table and him saying that to my face, and at the time I didn't understand what he meant but now upon reflection I can see exactly where that was coming from and why he said it.  Guess what he was absolutely right.

Every relationship, every person I have ever dated not only had to deal with me, but also the people that I wanted to try and help along the way.  It was never just me and that one person it was me and my entourage.  Tonight, I am feeling particularly vulnerable and reminiscing about my past and what I have been through.  I am thinking about all the people that have come in and out of my life, those that I really cared about and those that just was there because I thought I was helping them and doing the right thing.  My mother even pointed out to me the other night on the phone that I have always gone the wrong way when trying to help people out.  I had a single thought in my head that if I could help one person out and get them off the streets or off the drugs then I was accomplishing something.  I ended up inviting these people into my home, providing them with security, comfort, food and shelter as well as providing cigarettes and other items.  Some people genuinely took my help, learned from me and made some remarkable changes in their lives.  Others, I ended up just enabling and helping them maintain their current lifestyle.  Problem was that the person I was involved with had to deal with these people and their using me and me doing for them and I forced them to accept it.  Not right or fair.

Here I am and my 50th birthday is approaching fast, in just a few short months I will be there and yes it is a blessing to make it this far, it has been a struggle and a near impossible feat to get here.  I have endured and survived so many illnesses and surgeries and yet I keep on chugging along.  But because of my choices that I made when I was younger, I hurt and alienated a lot of people along the way. I ended up leaving people that loved me and cared about me, for the users and abusers of the world and though I was trying to help others, and trying to spread my own kind of hope and peace in this world.  I regret the sacrifices and the people that I lost along the way.  Over the last few days I have been reaching out to some of these individuals, past relationships and ex's that had to endure and suffer through my indulgent and reckless behavior.  In away I am hoping that they will have gotten to a point in their life that they can accept my apology and forgive me for the struggle and heartache I put them through. 

2018 has been a year of learning for me, I have had to endure crisis after crisis and fend of users and abusers at every turn.  This summer was extremely hard when I got trapped by my own foolishness and was sorely taken advantage of.  I ended up losing everything that I had left.  The few things that I had been able to salvage over the past 4 years I finally lost and at the end of July I had to start over completely from scratch.  The last time I had to do that was in 2012 when my dad sent to Atlanta and brought me to Daytona because of my living situation and my health.  My doctors had feared that after my kidney surgery and all the bladder and kidney infections that I had been through that living on the streets of Atlanta would end up killing me. So when Bobby O'hara and I broke up and Robert Miller and I were bouncing from friend to friend and place to place with nothing of our own I called my dad and ended up moving to Florida.  Thanks to Linda Stapleton for driving me to the bus station or I would never have survived at all.  Unfortunately, the years haven't been all that kind to everyone, we lost Linda, Mike, and so many others along the way.  But as I am learning Death is part of Life itself and is just a gateway to another place.  I am keeping faith that it is too a much better place, where all the struggles of our past are forgotten and life of plenty is granted.

But tonight as I am writing this because it is a holiday weekend and I a sitting in my room writing in my blog, I am not out getting high with my so-called friends, or people that chose to be around me because I have money or drugs.  For the first time I am finally Alone, I don't have a boyfriend and I am not in a relationship, I am not walking up and down beachside or walking the streets of Atlanta high as hell on Meth. I am not surrounded by a bunch of people who need or want something from me. I am not sitting here worrying about how to pay the bills to keep a roof over everyones head or the power from being turned off, nor am I worrying about what everyone is going to eat tomorrow.  I am sitting here and for the first time in my entire life I am thinking about myself and what I want.  I am trying to figure out what I would like to do for my 50th birthday to make it memorable and special, and I am wondering who would even want to come and see me.  How many people really still care enough about me out there to want to spend time celebrating my milestone birthday.

I have invited one person definitely and he said that it would be cool.  I have mentioned it to several others, but the reception has been rather mellow.  Maybe I am deluding myself thinking that anyone out there still cares about me.  I wanted to invite all my ex's and see which ones come, and see if they are with anyone else and if they were happy.  Hoping against hopes that they could tell me the secret of how they finally got there because the mystery still eludes me.  I always thought that relationships and life were supposed to get easier the older we got, but surprise the joke was on me because not only do they get more complex and complicated they are fraught with new issues like declining health.  In the back of my mind I have always thought that I would get back together with one of my ex's that our story wasn't finished yet, but I am not sure anymore.  I wrote not long ago that one of the reasons that I keep looking backward was because of the level of acceptance and understanding that these men gave me when coming to grips with my illnesses and limitations, but maybe I am kidding myself, maybe there are others out there that would be willing to do the same if I just gave them the chance.  But I have been running for so long and hiding from the real me by using drugs for so long that it is hard now that I am sober to see any future for myself at all.  My best friend Robert Miller got married and him and I used to joke that when we were old and gray together that we would open Mommas Home for Homeless Homosexuals a senior gay retirement community and would chase each other around in our wheelchairs. Guess that isn't going to happen, guess I am always going to be on my own.

For the past 4 years I have been with someone who never wanted to sleep with me because he was afraid of catching HIV, I missed the intimacy and the closeness, but I settled because I thought that the companionship was enough, and I was happy getting high and taking care of everyone else in my life.  But, in truth I wasn't totally there for him, I had so many other needy people in and out of my life that I was trying to help that him and I really never had any time to ourselves or were alone.  For that I am truly sorry, and I have been for almost a year now trying to make up for the mistakes of the past that I made with him, and nothing really seems to help. He has grown more distant and withdrawn than he ever was.  I haven't heard from him in over a week and I am worried about him.  I know in his own way that he loves me, but we aren't right for each other, I want more than he is willing to give.  I want a real relationship with love, intimacy, closeness, tenderness and compassion, and I think that I deserve that in my life.

So here I am alone for once but am I at peace with myself? No, is the answer to that.  I want more out of life than what I have gotten. I really do want a true relationship, with someone who isn't afraid to tell others that I am their lover and that we are together, who doesn't mind holding me and telling me that they love me.  Like I said I have been so used to being surrounded by others and taking care of so many other people that I honestly don't know how to take care of myself at all.  The one person who ever treated me like how I wanted was the person I treated the worst his name was Sterling Williams and he is the person I told our story wasn't finished yet.  I don't know if we will ever get back together, but he is the only person that I was ever in a relationship who never asked me out and I didn't ask him out it just happened.  We lived together and he wasn't embarrassed by me, he introduced me to his family and friends as his lover and even told his mother about me right away.  Funny how all of that transpired so long ago and how angry that made so many people.  But that was a different life and so much has happened, who know if and when we will ever see each other again.

But no I am not at peace with myself. I don't see a future a head of me and I only see a road full of doubts.  I am trying desperately to figure out how to live by myself and take care of myself.  I want to finally be able to give myself to someone else if the time presents itself with no baggage dragging behind me and no clingers either.  I no longer open my home to the homeless and help them off the streets.  Instead I give them clothes, and blankets, gift certificates for food and I let them work out the escape plan to get off the streets.  I also offer them guidance through my blog and my daily life.  There are agencies out there that will help them, traveller's aid is one that will give you temporary emergency housing and help you come up with a plan to move from homelessness to productivity.  I recommend giving them a call and seeing what they can do.

I am learning and I know that I am old, but whoever said you can't teach and old dog new tricks is totally wrong. Because, I am living proof that insanity isn't healthy for any of us.  Albert Einstein stated that "insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result".  I am through being insane, and I am ready to embark on a new life with a new purpose and a new adventure. My mission of giving hope and peace to others is still intact and sound, but I want to offer more, guidance, inspiration, motivation and education as well.

I have been through so much and have learned a lot, but there is so much more for me to experience out there.  I am thankful for the strength I have received from the trials I have been through,  if I can give hope and inspiration to just one person then my life and all the pain I have been through is worth it.  I will learn how to adapt and I will learn how to take care of myself and I will survive.  I hope you will too.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Learn, Live and Adapt

08/02/18

Who could have known that a series of misadventures would lead to the discovery of a serious heart problem.  A dear friend passed away in Jacksonville, almost around the same time that I found out that my father had lung cancer.  Another friend asked me to help him so I thought that I could make a few bucks helping him out and visit my father and family at the same time.  How was I too know that my car was going to get stolen from me along with my wallet and my phone. 

Or that the person I came to help would end up screwing up my checking accounts so bad that I would end up losing one of them due to fraud.  Which also led me to lose my credit card and cause so much anxiety and tension between my roommate and myself that I would end up becoming homeless once again and put me in the hospital for almost 2 complete months.

During the hospital stay I was to find out that the lower artery of my heart was completely blocked.  I also found out that since my partial nephrectomy that both of my kidneys had shrunk and that dialysis was looming ever closer to my future.  Further, I discovered that my roommate in Jacksonville wasn't as much of a friend as he claimed to be because not only did he tell me that he changed the locks and that I couldn't come home, even though I had paid my rent.  He ended up taking everything I owned and left me with only the shorts and t-shirt that I left Jacksonville with.  Not to mention that since I have been out of the hospital he hasn't tried to contact me once.  Wonder why I even considered him a friend. 

On July 15th I had heart surgery and was soon released from the hospital. Actually on the day that I got out Travis text me and told me that supposedly we had been evicted from the apartment and everything I owned was lost and gone forever. I have since learned from his Aunt and other friends that he lied about it.  Sorry to say that I once considered Travis Young a friend but I found out the hard way that he was nothing but a liar, user and a thief. 

Starting over is never an easy thing to do.  This time it was going to be especially hard just coming out of major heart surgery, having lost everything including my car and all my worldly possessions and not having a cent to my name.  I really had no idea what I was going to do, but I knew that going  back to living on the street wasn't an option for me this time.  My health was too poor to handle the situation.  I had already been in Daytona almost 2 1/2 months by the time I was released from the hospital and all of my medical supplies and medication was left in Jacksonville. I had never imagined that I was going to be stuck in Daytona as long as I was.  Originally I was only supposed to be gone a couple of hours and then all of the bullshit started happening and I got stuck and trapped with no wallet and no phone.

So here I was released from the hospital with no place to go, and nowhere to turn.  I ended up spending the night at my father's house and contacting my friend in Orlando to see if I could come and stay with her.  Once I had done all of that I contacted Progressive to see what they had determined to do with my insurance claim on my stolen car.  To my dismay they decided that it was better to total the car versus fix the damage that was done to the vehicle and so I am homeless and pretty much stranded with no exit strategy in place.

My friend Judy agreed to let me come stay with her because she is about to have surgery and wold need someone to help her during her recovery.  So it seems like making the decision to come to Orlando was the right decision after all.  My friend Jack bought me a bus ticket to Orlando and I was soon off to start over once again.  I have only been here a couple of days and I have already gotten my cell phone service re-established and my internet account set up, also have transferred my medicare and gotten a new primary care physician.  I am well on the road to recovery from my folly!

If things continue at this pace I will be re-established with the VA and Ryan White and all the other services that I need in record time.  When I moved to Jacksonville it took me almost 4 months to get totally established and recover all the things that I had to leave behind in Daytona.  Sometimes making the wrong decision can work out in your advantage as I am finding out. It will not take me near as long to get myself back to where I was when I left Jacksonville this time.  It is true that I lost all my clothes, shoes and hats. Most of my important papers are also gone but I was able to come to terms with this loss so much better. Maybe it was because of the amount of time I was in the hospital and how serious my illness was, but honestly I am finding it so much easier to cope with loosing things this time around. 

Plus I have come full circle in my life, who knows what my future may hold, I could even end up back in Atlanta.  Seems like forces are aligning towards that direction in my future.  Kerry and I have been talking again and once he recovers from his craniotomy we have discussed us moving back to Atlanta together.  Kerry and I have a long history together spending close to 12 years dating off and on.  I am not saying that we are destined for one another or anything like that.  All I can tell you is that our story isn't finished yet, there are still several more chapters to write in that book.  For those of you who have been following my blog from the beginning you might recall my experiment of love from the past.  The series of misadventures that Kerry and I had in Daytona, Los Angeles, and so much more! 

Life has pulled us apart, but every 4 or 5 years or so we are drawn back together.  This is actually our 5th year apart and he almost came to visit me in Jacksonville back in March, to be honest with you I was really disappointed when he couldn't make it and ended up back in LA before we had a chance to get together.  You never know if we would have gotten together in March things may have turned out totally differently, but since it didn't happen that way there really is no need to speculate.  Just understand that we are talking again and things are different between us then before.  I am worried about him, he has to have surgery on his head again in a couple of weeks and I don't know what is going to happen. 

But I am learning that the key to surviving and even possibly living is you must have the ability to adapt to whatever situation life throws your way.  Further, if you really want to overcome the obstacles and hinderances that people throw in your way you have to develop and attitude of not caring.  You have to look out for yourself and put your own well being before that of others.  This has been a major problem for me ever since Joe and I broke up and Sterling and I started dating.  When Sterling and I broke up and Kerry and I decided to become a couple and life began to change dramatically for me.  It became clear that I was a nurturer and that I felt the compulsive need to take care of someone and with Kerry that need was filled because of his aneurysm.  Who really knows what the future is going to bring I certainly don't.  What I do know is that life gets far less complicated when you aren't burdened with carrying the things from your past with you.

It is true that I have lost everything that tied me to my past, I lost all the stuff from my relationship with Joe and the 12 years that we were together and the things that I managed to salvage from that relationship.  Then I lost everything from my time in Florida and Georgia, and California because I couldn't afford to pay for the 2 storage units I had.  So when I left Daytona and went to Jacksonville I had pretty much already lost everything that tied me to my past and all the associated memories that were with them.  The truth of the matter is despite the loss of my physical possessions I still have the memories intact.  There is no way that I can forget all that I have been through and the people that I have met along my life.  The truth is what I have done in the past has become a part of me that have molded me and shaped me into the person I am today.  These memories are mine and can never be taken away from me, the people I have history with are still a part of my life and I theirs.  Though I don't get to see them as often as I like we have a shared past that is unique between us and can never be changed or broken, a bond has been forged and lessons learned. 

Though my future is unclear as to where I am going to end up and who I will be with. The truth is that at this moment I don't really care.  Those that are important to me are still in contact with me. Like I said it really should be more but they have lives to lead and I have mine to get back on track so I can understand the distance, though it really doesn't help the lonely feelings that I experience from time to time.  I just know that at some point in the future we will see each other again and things will not feel stained or strange.

Sterling, Jason, Scotty, Kerry, John, Alan, Allen, Jaime, and all the other friends that I have made throughout my life, we will see each other again of this I am certain.  It might not be this year, or even next year but it will happen.  Its funny that life has been throwing curve balls in my direction.  Yet, even with them life seems to turn out just the way it is supposed to be and I end up in exactly the right place at the right time.  It will happen for you too if you are just open to the future of possibilities and live learn and adapt to anything that life deems fit to throw your way. 

As always my hopes and dreams are with you!

Uncle B

Saturday oh what a Day

You may be wondering where I have been for so long and why I haven’t posted anything?  Well I have been in and out of hospitals and recovering from all sorts of medical issues, then there was the fact that I lost everything that I owned that was up in Jacksonville.  I may never find out what really happened to my stuff, I just know that what I was told seems highly unlikely to have occurred and I am saddened that I lost a friend over stuff like that.  However, may the stuff that he has of mine serve him well as he embarks on the new journey of his life. 

I just know that I was stuck and had no help out of my situation and was constantly in and out of the hospital.  He didn’t bother to come and see me or try to find out what was happening with me, he just turned his back and blamed everything that happened on me and walked away.  He made me very uncomfortable the last time I saw him anyway, and his behavior really left questions in my mind as to his real thoughts and intentions.  With that being said it is time for me to move on and explain why I haven’t written in my blog in so long. 

The truth is that I have been writing and it is all down on paper in a 3 ring binder here on my desk.  But since I didn’t have a computer I had no way to get the information into the blog like I normally would have.  But I have stuff dating back to my final day in the hospital back at the end of July.  I have been in Orlando exactly a month and I have to say that I am in a much more stable environment than what I had been in.  Already everything that I lost except for the car has been recovered.  I have gotten a new bed, a new computer, a new laptop, my iphone service turned back on, an ipad as well as an android tablet.

There are some things that are different though, I am away from Daytona and the influences of the people there, which in my case is a good thing.  I couldn’t understand why I kept ending up in the hospital and why my kidney’s and blood pressure kept failing.  Come to find out that the major artery to my heart was almost 85% clogged and I had to have a heart catheter and angioplasty to fix the blockage.  So on July 15th I had heart surgery.  It was scary, but several good things came out of having that surgery, immediately following it my blood pressure stabilized and I stopped having the dizzy spells and seizures that I had been having prior to the surgery, and my kidney function improved almost back to normal levels.  Indicating to the doctors that I may not be as close to dialysis as they had thought. 

But since I couldn’t get online and give you regular updates I decided to sit down and do it today.  Just last night I was writing in my journal and was talking about what I was thinking about my future and weighing my past.  Something that I have been doing all week actually and most of the posts that I am about to type up are regarding that same issue.  But today was a beautiful day full of sunshine and no rain as of yet.  Which is something of a change in weather for what it has been like around here since the first day I arrived.

No matter what I am headed on the right path at this point, God has given me back all that I have lost and then some.  I am even doing well enough that I feel I am at a new point in my life and can honestly say that I have a future.  I have wrapped up many of the loose ends that I had left in Jacksonville, paid off the bed that I no longer have and the frame, I also got my checking accounts straightened out and I have gotten myself back into care with the VA and got my medicare straightened out.  All and all I am very happy with my progress since I have been here.  But, seeing as I had no other options, and the person who I was staying with and considered my friend turned me out like that, claimed that he had changed the locks and told me that I wasn’t welcome back there, then just a week or so later text me saying that everything I owned was lost that supposedly the landlord had evicted us and my stuff was on the side of the road and gone.

I know that this is not the real truth, it may have some factual basis, but being a retired attorney I know that there is an eviction process and that with me being in the hospital in intensive care my roommate could have used that and gotten an extension, he could have fought the eviction and won especially since he just suffered the loss of his partner and then I had the heart attack and was in the hospital.  But No everything that me and my ex had left up there is either gone or he is using at his own. Either way it is on him.  I know that my situation was extreme and I had people lying too me, stealing from me, and literally trashed my bank accounts, credit cards and the whole nine-yards.  But, that is all in the past and I am in a better place with all new things and life is once again sunny.
I couldn’t have asked for a better Saturday,  I woke up a little tire and a bit sore, but that quickly passed and once I got out and was able to enjoy the sun I felt so much better.  So much so that I am sitting here now typing to you telling you all about it.  I am still having some minor chest pains, but I see the cardiologist next week again and hopefully he will be able to tell me what is going on with my heart and why I am still hurting after all this time.  I sure hope that it isn’t another heat attack coming because the first one was very scary and totally unexpected.

Anyhow, I hope that you have a glorious Saturday like I did.  I am going to start typing my past entries into the journal.  Though they are not actually going to be posted on the date they were written. I will make sure that I put somewhere the date that I wrote them, and hopefully by Wednesday I will be caught up enough and will be able to keep writing almost daily and let you know what is happening and going on.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

The Past is never far away

This month has been a trying and tiring month for me.  I found out the hard way that the past comes back to haunt you when you least expect it.  I started work in April for Spring Mobile an AT&T Authorized Retailer, things were going very good and I was really enjoying my job.  I was being trained as an opener and closer for the two different stores.  At one point it was even mentioned that I might be trained as an assistant manager.  But during this time home life started to get a little complicated. My friend Travis's lover got really sick and ended up in ICU at Shands Hospital in Jacksonville, FL.  I ended up having to take a couple of days off because at one point because Mario's dad flew in to see his son in the hospital.

Just a week ago, I went into work and was called into the office. The district manager came in and sat down and began talking to me.  My background check came back with some issues that he wanted to address.  I was told that there was a couple of items that showed up while GameStop was doing my background check.  I knew immediately what they were talking about.  For those of you that remember last summer back in July I got in trouble with a misdemeanor that ended up violating my probation that I was place on for cashing a bad check.  Now, it was my understanding that when I appeared before Judge Case in Daytona that this matter was finished an over with.  As a matter of fact I was sentenced to 60 days in Jail and upon completion was deemed non adjudicated.  The district manager asked me for my side of the story, I explained it to him and was told that I needed to bring in the paperwork from the court showing the dispensation of the charges.  I immediately called the public defenders office in Volusia County and within 15 minutes I was bringing them the paperwork that they had asked for.

The very first page showed the adjudication withheld status, but I was still told that I was going to be suspended till legal could look over the document and give the district manager their input as to whether or not the company was going to continue to utilize me.  I was upset and frustrated by this decision because I think that it was totally unfair and with everything else that was happening in my life with my friend Travis's lover in the hospital I certainly felt that this was the worse possible timing that could have happened.

But the rub of the story is that I was off the entire weekend and when I was actually scheduled to work, and as I was getting ready to go back to work for the following Tuesday because I saw that my name was still on the schedule. I got a call from the store manager and was told that Spring Mobile had decided to part employment.  I was very upset and sent a message to the district manager asking him to call me back and fill me in on the whole decision.  He promptly returned my call, but explained that as far as he could tell from what the legal team was telling him was that I was incorrect in my assertion that adjudication was withheld.  I was given a number to call and I called them immediately and launched an investigation and requested that more research be done on my behalf and asked for the decision be reversed.

I was told that the process would take about 2 weeks and that the employer would be notified, but here is what happened.  I was removed from all the email and chat groups, and my work email was terminated immediately. I still haven't heard back from the investigator about what was happening with my request and here it is a week later and I am gainfully unemployed and have no real prospects of anything else.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you!

Uncle B

Learning to be

I am searching for an elusive truth, trying to learn how to be comfortable being alone. This is a very elusive truth, something I cannot seem divine on my own. I have always defined my life and happiness through taking care of other's. By always putting someone's else's need above my own. To surround myself with other damaged people that I thought needed my help. Yet, what I was doing, it seems has been setting myself up for failure every time. I always thought that I was doing good by helping people. My lesson this far has just taught me that I am scared of being alone, of facing my illness with no one by my side. To exist by myself, afraid that I would die alone and unwanted.

What I never considered is that even though I may not be in a relationship or defined by someone else's need. I am clearly not alone in life. I have friends and family who care. I may not like being by myself, I have discovered that even when surrounded by others I can still be alone, feel unwanted, and terrified that someone would not be able to accept me for the person I have become through all of these surgeries.

It seems that if I look at my life closely and be honest with myself. I haven't let myself be defined by another's need, love and happiness as much as I have by my own fear, my illness and my own perceived idea of not being whole, of being broken. None of this is healthy if I want to be 100 percent honest. I lost myself over and over again. In relationships that couldn't possibly last that were held together by need and dependence.  What I really need to comprehend is that it's okay to do things by myself. That I can survive being on my own if that is what I really need to.  To learn to sleep by myself again and to accept that I cannot change my condition and even if I could.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would have become if I had not gotten sick when I did. But the one thing that I can be absolutely sure of is that you can't live your life and move forward by clinging to what ifs and could have beens. Acceptance is the only real way that we can truly moved forward and make progress. Living in the past and looking backwards hinders from taking a forward step. I have never heard of anyone ever making forward progress in their lives by carrying baggage. Trying to carry your past baggage forward will tire you out thoroughly before you can get anywhere.

So for now I am going to live each day one at a time. Accepting my limitations and realizing what I can change and what I can't. I must learn to live within the constraints that my medical condition, doctor appointments and other aspects of my life that are always constant.  I am hopeful that some aspects of my life will start to improve the longer I continue learning, growing and writing. I think that over the next month or two something's in my life are going to improve but like everything it is going to take time. There are no short cuts and I will have to climb one step at a time.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you.

Uncle B

Amazing

It is surprising how God works in our daily lives. I was feeling a sense of hopelessness and despair because I have been up here in Jacksonville all by myself.  Since I got here back in December, it has been an endless parade of doctor appointments and tests. This in itself made feel very alone and it hasn't left anytime for me to make any new friendships since I have been up here. But, all of that changed about 2 weeks ago. In just one day I got a direct message from God in a very unique experience in how these 3 people came into my life in the matter of just two days at the beginning of February.

But before these 3 individuals were to come in to my life, I made one new friend on January 18th. She also came into my life in a strange way but was just the person I needed that day and I am very glad that she was there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on an ear to bend when my partner didn't get on the bus and never came up from Daytona Beach. She was also the person who took care of me that first afternoon of chemotherapy and helped me as I choked on food and threw up all the way home from Gainesville. She wasn't even supposed to be my driver that day, as a matter of fact she just was in the right place at the right time to take me to my appointment.  Because the original transportation driver decided not to take my trip and tried to cancel my trip. Luckily Tara was in Jacksonville and was available to take me to my appointment, even though we were late getting there. I believe God put me and Tara together that day, not only because I was going to need her, but she needed me as well. I got to share my story with her and I found out that she was going through a difficult time in her life as well. We have kept in touch since our meeting that day and I am very glad that we hit it off so well.

On February 1st I went to have some MRIs done. But much to my disappointment I was unable to get them done that morning, because my kidney levels were not good enough for me to be able to tolerate the contrast that the doctor had ordered. Though, had it not been for my tests being cancelled that I was ready to leave the imaging center early. Which put me in the direct path of a really cool lady whose name is Elaine. She was outside looking for a lighter and we ended up going on a little adventure together while we were both waiting for our transportation to come and pick us up.  Because I had been waiting for my ride to come and get me and they were very late, Humana sent another driver to get me.  As I was being driven home I talked to the driver telling him that the radiologist at the imaging center had told me that I needed to go the hospital that my kidney function indicated that I was experiencing renal failure. I honestly don't remember his name, but the more we talked together it became apparent that there was a reason why I  was in his car that afternoon. His sister-in-law had just been discharged from the hospital under hospice care. Apparently, she had given up all hope and had surrendered to the diagnosis that the doctors had given her that she was going to die.  He told me that he really needed to hear my story and history. That it was exactly what he needed to share with her to give her hope and might actually get her to change her mind and decide to fight for her life. I told him to tell her that God is the ultimate physician and only He could decide when it was her time to leave this world behind.

That very afternoon I had already spoken to Dom, and was telling Travis what the radiologist had said about me going to the hospital. Travis's partner was already in the hospital fighting for his life against pneumonia and a collapsed lung.  His recommendation was to call an ambulance and get to the hospital.  Trying to procrastinate and take my time I called my mother and was talking to her on the phone telling her that I needed to go to the hospital. She encouraged me to go and stop waisting time. However, I knew that I was probably going to get admitted so I packed clothes and colostomy supplies. This kept me busy and prevented me from laying down which apparently was a good thing because the ER doctor told me that had I taken a nap that afternoon I would have died in my sleep because my blood pressure was so low my heart would have just stopped while I was sleeping.

The final person whom I was bound to meet is Richard who was my food service attendant that would take care of all of my food orders while I was in the hospital. He was also one of the only people who I had the ability to talk to multiple times a day and kept my mind off of what was going with me. It also gave me some distance between me and my feelings of being abandoned and having to deal with this crisis on my own.  I will admit that I still was upset and angry that Dom isn't keeping in touch with me like I feel he should.  He still isn't talking to me every day like I think he should since that was his promise to me if I bonded him out of jail. However, I should have known that he never means what he tells me when he is in jail, it never works out.  He begged me to keep him out of trouble, but he left and never came back after he had me buy his return trip ticket. Then to top it all off he never went to court and I have no idea what's going to happen now. I don't know if the bondsman is going to come after me for the money. I am not even sure if they can, I think that I might have a fight on my hands when it comes down to it.

Can you see how amazing God is? How that He brought just the right people into my life at the right moment?  How great these interactions have been on me and my well being?

I believe that if you look carefully at your life you will find that God is working in your life and performing miracles on your behalf daily.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you.

Uncle B

Journey Forbidden

The past four years have been difficult and interesting to say the least. I've been evicted from 4 different homes lived on the street twice, during the past two years. I don't know if it's me or the journey I'm on or if it's a combination of things but it's not what I want. I know that I'm not happy, I know that my health has suffered. And that I need a stable environment where I can rest my head.

As the new year 2018 begins I hope to make a new resolution where I am the focus and everyone else takes second place. This will be a first for me, as I have taken care of so many people in the past that it has become a part of my nature to feel the need to take care of others. Yet, as I look back at 2016 and 2017 it pains me to realize that I have put others before me at Great cost to myself and I've lost everything repeatedly. If I was going to do this why am I not at home in Pennsylvania taking care of my mother who is paralyzed from the waist down. Today is a turning point as I realize yet once again how alone I am against the world. Many times I have asked myself when will there be someone who wants to take care of me. When will the person emerge that loves me as much as I love them? The person who can accept my shortcomings as well as my strengths? I had my hopes and expectations raised yesterday only to have them dashed once again by refusal to come with me. For me to yet once again stand alone when all I had hoped for was someone to stand beside me.

All I can tell you is that I put myself in this position.  I put myself in love with someone who doesn't care as much about me as I do them he doesn't want to be with me  he would rather take time off from the relationship then work on it. Yet he tells me I'm the one who ran away rather than face my problems. Actuality what I was trying to do was get away from being on the street to become stable and productive and create a new beginning for the relationship. This is the first time in 4 years that I ever put myself before the other person but it felt good for me to do something for myself for a change.

By no means am I saying I'm easy to get along with or I'm easy to live with. As a matter of fact I know I'm set in my ways I'm almost 50 and the person that I was seeing is half my age maybe that's where the problem lies,  he still wants to party and do things for himself. I'm looking to build a relationship and a future for myself and another person. Maybe he is right maybe we do need to get away from one another for awhile and see what the future holds in store.

Though I find myself once again in the strange and perilous position. There is someone who has shown interest in me, someone who likes me for who I am and wants to be with me.  Here's the truth of the situation, I want to better myself, I want to make sure that I don't end up exactly where I have been. I don't want to settle for anything. I don't want to be around all the drugs and the people whom I got away from. Many of those people helped me to the streets, they took advantage of my kindness and goodness and took what they could and left me to fend for myself broken and penniless.

It is time for me to be happy, time for me to focus on me. Yes, I would love to be in a relationship where there is someone who loves me as much as I love them. Someone who really wants to be with me and see me succeed. Someone on whom I can put absolute trust. But, I am scared that this person doesn't exist. That I am kidding myself and setting myself up to be hurt once again. This is my forbidden journey, to explore and find that one soul that completes my own. To know true happiness.

I have worked and struggled all my life. I have watched everything I built come crumbling down around my ears as the years passed by and the cancer remained. It has been 26 long years and I am extremely weary of the struggle and the fight. But, here I am once again pouring my heart out wanting what I have never once found. I have thought I found it in the past. Spent years trying to make things work trying to create my ideal when it may not exist anywhere but in my mind.

Relationships are full of compromises. They are an agreement between two individuals traveling in similar directions to stand together as one and fight and build something together. If there is any hesitation, doubt, fear or other impediment the progress and the union will become unstable and falter.  Just as in a fight it takes two, so does a relationship. No more than two and no less. Anymore cause rifts and currents that pull and tear at the foundation and less then two is an individual. I am ready for a real relationship.

You want a chance I am willing to give it but don't screw it up because I am not sure that my heart can take another break. The last person I gave a chance to let me walk away. I came back to get them and they made excuses why they couldn't come. Now, when they have no where else to turn they look for me to come and help yet the help was just there yesterday and they let me go once again. They want me to bring them here this weekend when I offered tomorrow or Friday. What is two more days going to do for them? Will they really be ready then. I don't think so. They are not wanting to stay with my friends who have graciously opened up their home to give us a place to stay. Who are willing to give us time and space to get ourselves together before we have to go off on our own. But he is insistent that he doesn't want to and can't live with other people right now. When I told him that my friend Travis was in the car he didn't want to go out and even meet him. This hurt me. 

So I hope that he reads this that he sees what has happened and finally figures out what he wants and needs for himself.

But as for my wants and needs. I want it all. I want everything
I want love, passion, compassion. I want the kissing, hugging, cuddling and most of all I want to be finally happy and I don't think that is too much to ask for at the end of this forbidden journey.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you. May you love hard, laugh often and live fully for life is too short .

Uncle B

Letting go

You may think that taking steps to help myself might look like I may be running away from my problems.  But the truth of the matter is that I needed to look out for my health and well-being, because no one else is going too. Being tossed around on the streets is not a place for someone like me who has so many things wrong with me physically.  I just had a kidney removed back in March and lately i have been showing signs of esophagus cancer. This is something that needs to be taken very seriously. It also needs a stable environment in which to heal and get better. So when things really started going south in my life i chose to take my friend up on his offer to leave behind the world of drugs and uncertain stability. I chose to pick up what remained of my life and head north to a new life i had hoped that others would be happy for me. But to my surprise the people i love the most chose to let me go and stay behind.

No matter what i choose now i guess i am totally on my own. I had hoped that being away for several days would let the others know that i did the best thing for myself and that asking them to come with me is my attempt to make a new beginning for both of us. No matter what anyone else thinks i have not abandoned those i love and who trust me. I have never given up on them and never will. Life is too short for running away. I have chosen a new path and and with any luck a new destiny for myself and those that love me.

It has taken an act of letting go and walking away from my old life in order to create a new life, a new path. In order for me to move forward i needed to shed the old self and begin a whole new life. Moving from Daytona was the first step in the process. The next few days i am going to try and get myself in order. Meet with the VA and medicare to get myself into treatment and make sure that my health is once again taken care of. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

Hopefully over the next few weeks my partner will realize that we need each other and will choose to come with me. This will help me greatly to achieve stability and peace of mind.  I can only hope that those of you who read and follow my blog will support my decision and help me convince him that i need him in my life and without him I will never really be safe and healthy.  He is not something that i would willingly or happily let go of. He is my whole world and the one who i depend on most. I have been gone 3 days and it feels so much longer. I don't think he really knows how much I depend on him or how much I care about him.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you.

Uncle B

Time and Again

This post is meant to give thanks to the many healthcare providers that have been extremely instrumental in my continued health. Yes it is true that almost weekly I have a myriad of medical appointments and lab work that needs to be done. Yet, if it wasn't for the diligent work of these health care professionals I would probably withered away and have died way before now.

As I am sitting here waiting to be seen by yet another doctor, I am reminded of how much hard work and long hours these professionals put in just to keep​ me as well as their other​ patients healthy and alive. I know that I would be hard pressed if I had to go without the medications that I am on. Monitoring of these medications and the effects that they have on my body are essential to my good health.

There was a period not so long ago when I was on an HIV regimen that wasn't closely monitored and my health severely suffered because of that. It was determined that the regimen that I was on had severely and irrevocably damaged my kidneys. Once it was discovered a monitoring program was soon put in place, but the damage was already extensive and done there was no coming back from it. Less than a year later a small tumor was found on my right kidney and my new journey had begun.

It has been a little more than a year that the tumor on my right kidney was found. The myriad of doctor's and healthcare providers I have been through in just that year alone has been staggering. I'm currently under the care of a urologist at the University of Florida in Gainesville and it looks like the year long journey that I have been on is finally drawing to a close.  This journey has been long and arduous starting with ultrasounds, then CT scans and ultimately ending in a series of MRI'S all of which had indicated continuous growth and the possibility of spreading.

You would think that after 25 years of battling this disease that I might have finally become used to all the test, treatments and surgeries that have resulted from having this disease. But, time and again cancer seems bound and determined to come back. It keeps these myriads of healthcare professional working harder than ever to get me to the state of wellness. Sometimes I dream of having just a few moments of good health to consider myself​ normal and healthy.

I guess as dreams go it isn't a bad one to have. But, no matter the circumstances I am under no illusions that I will ever be able to live my life as a healed, whole individual. That even through their best efforts medical science can only do so much to correct the damage that cancer has done to my body. I must accept the limitations and restrictions that have become my norm and rejoice in the continued life that God has granted me.

Remembering always that man can only do so much when it comes to this vehicle our mind resides in. God who is the Ultimate Physician is the only one with the power to restore me back to full health. I can never truly trust the findings of the world of medicine, because as been my case in the past the predictions that they provide me with have been far from accurate. Only God knows the time and place of my demise. Because everything that I have been through and continue to go through are what strengthens me and gives me the experience I need to get through the next phase of my existence.

See, I have become very familiar with living on borrowed time knowing that any moment might be my last. Knowing that each time I have to have an operation or treatment might be my very last. There seems to always be a new treatment or procedure that has yet to be tried. I'm comforted knowing that in all things God has me in the palms of His hands and that as long as I am needed here on Earth I will continue to make these recoveries and be able to give witness and testament to the miracles of God.

So no matter if time and again I have to be seen by doctor's, nurses, lab techs or other healthcare professionals I will always be in God's Grace and He will take care of my needs .

Rejoice for God is the Healer and architect of your body and can and will restore you according to His detailed plan regarding your life and work.

As always Live well, Love much and Laugh often.

Uncle B

Lazy Days and Rainy Days

Man I honestly thought that 2017 was going to be a better year than last year. As you have read December was my all time worst month, everything just cascaded and life became a huge cluster fuck.

Already 2017 has started off to such a rocky start that I am pretty much ready to throw in the towel and just ask Heaven for a do over.  January 5th  the sheriff showed up at the door to the place that I was staying and issued a 24 hour vacate notice. The judge in her infinite wisdom decided that she wasn't going to hear any arguments in Ms. Millie's eviction case. She arbitrarily sided with the landlord.

I was caught totally off guard and very ill prepared for removing everything from that house in just 24 hours. Further, I knew that neither of us had enough money to really get into anywhere and I was worried that I was going to be back out on the streets this time with an 83 year old woman in tow.  But heaven does provide for our needs and that night we went and looked at a small two bedroom house, I knew that it was going to be very tight financially for us to get in there, however the landlord was willing to work with us so Friday morning at 9:00 am my father arrives with his truck and we started the move. After making 4 or 5 trips back and forth my father had to call it quits. He really wasn't feeling well and we were all extremely tired. Unfortunately, there were quite a few things that ended up getting left behind. Many of the lady's clothes were left behind with all the food items we had and a whole cabinet of cups and coffee mugs.

Much to my dismay I was not able to find her a ride back out to the house. So all of the stuff that was left behind is more than likely lost forever by now. Not too mention that Friday night and almost all of Saturday it rained and the temperature plummeted leaving us very cold and miserable.  Tonight is now Sunday and we have gone the whole weekend without water or electricity. It being so cold out really made our brief stay in our new home pretty much a miserable disaster.

I am actually looking forward to this upcoming week with great anticipation, because I am so much closer to finally having my surgery that has been talked about for months. If you recall the local hospital decided that they were not equipped to handle such a complicated case as mine. So I have been referred to Shands hospital at the University of Florida in Gainesville.  It is about time that this surgery has been scheduled. It has been 9 months since the operation has been discussed.

But as you can see 2017 really hasn't started off that great and is nothing to get excited about. However, like most things in life a slow start can lead to unexpected rewards.

One thing that you can be certain of is rainy days and Monday's will always get you down

As always Live well, Love much and Laugh often.

Uncle B

True Prosperity

Many of us do not understand what prosperity means. To most they believe that prosperity is an abundance of riches, and is measured by monetary figures. So many struggle trying to get prosperous,  but never seem to ever get close. Lack of financial means is the major cause of unrest and stress in our daily living. This feeling that there is never enough to cover all of our expenses seems to drive everyone crazy.

The truth of the matter is that prosperity is a state of mind and a place of understanding.  True prosperity literally has very little to do with monetary things, and doesn't really have a quantitative unit of measure.  If you think back to some of my other writings you will start to get a better understanding of what I am trying to tell you.   Anyone can achieve the state of prosperity,  because it comes from a place of knowledge and understanding.  Much like happiness,  prosperity cannot be found. Because it really does not exist outside of our minds.

Prosperity and happiness are two things that can only be found from within ourselves.  So what do you think prosperity is? What is the definition of being prosperous? What is it that you can do to attain it?

Here is what I have discovered about prosperity and being prosperous. Prosperity is a state of being. A mindset that goes hand in hand with happiness and contentment.  This understanding is something that you continually have to work on.  Because it isn't a static state, it evolves and changes as you mature and grow.  Prosperity is the state of being one and consciously accepting your place in life with happiness and contentment  with what you have and where you are at in every state of your life.

There is nothing wrong with setting goals and striving to do better for ourselves. The problems start with the amount of pressure and anxiety we put on ourselves while trying to reach for our dreams and goals. We are our own worst critics. We seem to hold ourselves to a higher standard then we hold others too.  Disappointment often creeps in and we become depressed and discouraged. But let me remind you, you are not alone in your struggles. Everyone in the world goes through the same exact things. In this one case we are not so different from every other person in.  How you handle and deal with these things are what makes you different.

I know that I have often told you that life is a journey with many pitstops and rest areas along the way.  But, I learned that sometimes the road itself is the true destination.  See we are the sum total of all our experiences and it is on the path that we learn from our mistakes, rebound from pain and gain the knowledge and wisdom that helps us grow.  Life is not a stagnant thing it is constantly moving forward, evolving, changing and becoming something new.  Each experience gives us the knowledge and strength to change as we move forward in time.

So what are you supposed to understand about life and the long journey that you are on?  Well it is that as long as you make yourself happy, contentment and joy will follow.  You can be prosperous, happy, content live in the moment, don't stress your needs are always going to be fulfilled.  It is true that you are going to have to work on achieving the wants and the extra things in life, but that is what makes them so valuable to us, that is why we cherish them more.

Remember that happiness and prosperity are a state of being and a state of mind.  Take some time, think about the issues at hand and once you do I think you will see that they are not really mountains at all, just another lesson or stregthening tool that will help you get to the next place on your path.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

My Dearest Child

It is hard to believe that you are 15 years old now.  Time has surely gone by you are so grown I can't believe it, I always thought that I would have had more time to spend with you while you were growing up, and guess what I blinked and you are already a teenager.  I wanted to write to you and tell you some of the things that you can expect as you get older.  I want you to always remember I may no longer be here, but I am never far away as long as you keep me in your heart.

You are about to embark on the greatest journey you will ever take.  Life is full of pitfalls and obstacles along the way.  It isn't going to be easy, but no one ever said that it was going to be.  Don't get discouraged at things that happen because they are only temporary and will soon pass by.  I am sorry to say that you are going to have to work only to pay bills and raise a family.  But there is nothing more rewarding than seeing your children grow.  Work can be boring, tedious and you are never going to feel that you are being paid for what you are worth, just remember that you have to start somewhere and there is only one way to go and that is up. 

Stress of life and daily living might get you down from time to time, but focus on the things that make you happy and bring you joy.  Spend as much time as you can with your family for you are going to need each other, because no one knows you better than they do.  Love each other daily and be thankful for the things that you have worked so hard to get.  Be wary of strangers that continually try to interfere or drag you down, they may people that you consider as friends.  Your heart my son is the biggest target and your feelings will often be hurt, guard yourself against those that would use your kindness for weakness. There is nothing wrong with saying "No" and meaning it.  You have to learn how to be selfish at times, otherwise you are going to get used.

Smile everyday and be thankful for your health and life.  I wish I could tell you that life gets easier the older you get, but unfortunately that isn't going to be the case.  You are going to be tested, tried and sometimes feel like "What's the use?" The secret to this my son is that everything that you go through hone you and make you stronger.  You will be amazed at the things you are going to do.  Do not be afraid to speak up for yourself, let your voice be heard, because all it takes is one person to change the world.  There will come a time in your life when you are going to look back at your past from where you are at.  I do not want you to feel sad or depressed, trust me when I tell you that you might feel disappointed because you are not where you thought you will be.  The secret here is to look back at all you have accomplished, all the things you have been through and be proud of what you have done.

Keep in mind that the place where you are at is not the end of the road, but just one of many stops along the way.  The path that you have taken is what matters, it is the path that gives you knowledge and strength, the path and all it's pitfalls, obstacles and traps are what have developed you and made you the man that you are.  Love often and hard, show compassion and understanding to others, because it will be returned back to you.  Cherish what you have because you have worked hard and long to get it.  Don't let what other people say bother you, because at the end of the day they don't mean a thing.  They don't pay your bills, nor do know what you truly are about.

Those that take from you more than they contribute are not truly friends, they are trying to benefit from your suffering and pain.  You cannot choose who your family is, but if they are not meeting your needs create your own family and support network that you can depend on.  For those are the people the truly love and care about you.  If there is one thing that I could teach you and help you to understand.  Happiness is not something that you can find, it comes from with in.  You create your own happiness, don't let anyone take it away.  Prosperity my son is something that you can achieve easily, all you have to do is be happy and content with what you have where ever you are at in your life.  You will see what I mean, just trust me.

No matter what you think you are never alone, God is with you always and hears all your prayers and cries.  When you are weary and tired God will carry you through, open your heart in prayer and know that it will be answered.  I wish I could be there with you my son as you grow older, but since that cannot be. I would say to you what my grandfather once told me.

"A man does not leave their mark upon the world, by how much money he has, or what they own, but by how many lives they have touched and who remember them once they are gone."  Explore your talents, always do what you love, because if you love what you do, your passion will shine through.  Money is an elusive thing but if you follow your heart and do what you are passionate about the money will follow.

I love you my son and I hope that by reading this it will help you along your journey of life.  I will see you when you get to the other side.  We will see each other in heaven you have my promise.

I love you,
Dad