My Dearest Child

It is hard to believe that you are 15 years old now.  Time has surely gone by you are so grown I can't believe it, I always thought that I would have had more time to spend with you while you were growing up, and guess what I blinked and you are already a teenager.  I wanted to write to you and tell you some of the things that you can expect as you get older.  I want you to always remember I may no longer be here, but I am never far away as long as you keep me in your heart.

You are about to embark on the greatest journey you will ever take.  Life is full of pitfalls and obstacles along the way.  It isn't going to be easy, but no one ever said that it was going to be.  Don't get discouraged at things that happen because they are only temporary and will soon pass by.  I am sorry to say that you are going to have to work only to pay bills and raise a family.  But there is nothing more rewarding than seeing your children grow.  Work can be boring, tedious and you are never going to feel that you are being paid for what you are worth, just remember that you have to start somewhere and there is only one way to go and that is up. 

Stress of life and daily living might get you down from time to time, but focus on the things that make you happy and bring you joy.  Spend as much time as you can with your family for you are going to need each other, because no one knows you better than they do.  Love each other daily and be thankful for the things that you have worked so hard to get.  Be wary of strangers that continually try to interfere or drag you down, they may people that you consider as friends.  Your heart my son is the biggest target and your feelings will often be hurt, guard yourself against those that would use your kindness for weakness. There is nothing wrong with saying "No" and meaning it.  You have to learn how to be selfish at times, otherwise you are going to get used.

Smile everyday and be thankful for your health and life.  I wish I could tell you that life gets easier the older you get, but unfortunately that isn't going to be the case.  You are going to be tested, tried and sometimes feel like "What's the use?" The secret to this my son is that everything that you go through hone you and make you stronger.  You will be amazed at the things you are going to do.  Do not be afraid to speak up for yourself, let your voice be heard, because all it takes is one person to change the world.  There will come a time in your life when you are going to look back at your past from where you are at.  I do not want you to feel sad or depressed, trust me when I tell you that you might feel disappointed because you are not where you thought you will be.  The secret here is to look back at all you have accomplished, all the things you have been through and be proud of what you have done.

Keep in mind that the place where you are at is not the end of the road, but just one of many stops along the way.  The path that you have taken is what matters, it is the path that gives you knowledge and strength, the path and all it's pitfalls, obstacles and traps are what have developed you and made you the man that you are.  Love often and hard, show compassion and understanding to others, because it will be returned back to you.  Cherish what you have because you have worked hard and long to get it.  Don't let what other people say bother you, because at the end of the day they don't mean a thing.  They don't pay your bills, nor do know what you truly are about.

Those that take from you more than they contribute are not truly friends, they are trying to benefit from your suffering and pain.  You cannot choose who your family is, but if they are not meeting your needs create your own family and support network that you can depend on.  For those are the people the truly love and care about you.  If there is one thing that I could teach you and help you to understand.  Happiness is not something that you can find, it comes from with in.  You create your own happiness, don't let anyone take it away.  Prosperity my son is something that you can achieve easily, all you have to do is be happy and content with what you have where ever you are at in your life.  You will see what I mean, just trust me.

No matter what you think you are never alone, God is with you always and hears all your prayers and cries.  When you are weary and tired God will carry you through, open your heart in prayer and know that it will be answered.  I wish I could be there with you my son as you grow older, but since that cannot be. I would say to you what my grandfather once told me.

"A man does not leave their mark upon the world, by how much money he has, or what they own, but by how many lives they have touched and who remember them once they are gone."  Explore your talents, always do what you love, because if you love what you do, your passion will shine through.  Money is an elusive thing but if you follow your heart and do what you are passionate about the money will follow.

I love you my son and I hope that by reading this it will help you along your journey of life.  I will see you when you get to the other side.  We will see each other in heaven you have my promise.

I love you,
Dad

Act your age not your shoe size

It has been a couple of weeks since I was actually able to write in you. So much stuff has happened in my life that I am truly amazed.  I wanted to write to you tonight to talk to you about acting out, showing off in front of others.  The reason why this topic has come to mind is because one of my nephews showed up with his new girlfriend and wanted to stay at my place.  I knew right from the start that it was going to be a disaster.  Unfortunately I was right.  While they were here they ate everything in the house, and of course a lot of things turned up missing.

Now, anyone that knows me knows that if you ask me for something I will do my best to make sure that you can have it.  Most of the things that were missing, once they had left was mainly electronic stuff, like a cell phone, a  blue tooth watch that would allow me to interact with my cell phone as well as a few other items.  While all of this was going on my best friend from Atlanta was staying with me and already the space was tight.  I have a one bedroom one bath apartment.  So needless to say it was extremely crowded and tensions were already flying high because I was trying to figure out where my stuff was going. To top it off I had started talking to someone that I felt I could make a long lasting relationship with.   Around that time my friend was looking for a place to stay.  He sent me the question in a text message.

Never did I think that I would be in another relationship so soon.  I know that Kerry had been gone for over year, and every once in a while I miss him.  I miss the plans that we had made together, especially the morning walks.  If you have gotten this far in reading this entry, you might be wondering what everything I have talked to you about has to deal with the title.  I am so glad that you asked me that because up until this point I was just filling in the background so that you can understand the journey that I have been on since February.

What does act your age and not your shoe size have to do with anything? I will certainly tell you what I have figured out.  It doesn't matter race or gender or gay or straight, it has to do with stepping up and being responsible and accountable for your actions. Most of the people who know me, know that I hang out with people a lot younger than me and because of that I have a unique insight into why people want to act out, get loud and angry. Or better yet put their hands on a pregnant girl.  I have found that most of the 20 somethings that I hang out with have an attitude and they act like someone owes them something.  Further, they have absolutely no patience whatsoever, they want what they want and they want it now.  Most of them get mad or angry when things don't happen immediately.  I will touch on this subject again in just in a little bit.

Now when I talk about acting your age and not your shoe size is because I have noticed that most of the 20 somethings are still acting like they are still in high school. Most of them don't show any signs of common sense.  Let alone street smarts, meaning that they wouldnt know how to survive if they were thrown out on the street to fend for themselves.  Sometimes you will run across an old soul these are people that dont act their age but a lot older.  I have been fortunate the person that I met acts way older than their age, he is very kind and considerate and when I was deathly ill he took very good care of me.

On the flip side, I have a friend that got a  girl pregnant and he will not step up to the plate and take care of her. The poor girl was working full time until her 8th month when her job told her that she needed to go ahead and start her maternity leave. Still the guy doesnt get it.  He would rather do himself and waste all his money on drugs and stupid stuff instead of getting stuff for the baby which could come at any time now. I have tried talking too him and so has my partner but nothing seems to sink in.

We all can act childish and foolish from time to time,  but there are so many people out there that refuse to take responsibity and own up to the things that they do.  These are the people that I am talking about. Life is one big party for them, and they travel in a certain social circle until they have exhausted every bridge and person they come in contact with.

Life is way too short to just party your life away. I run into people every day that just want to party and waste their life away.  Like I told my friend tonight he was talking about getting some crack and smoking that, and I tried to explain to him how if he starts with that one 10 dollar hit he would be back getting more in just a few minutes later. No matter how much talking I do, I realize that the ultimately only he can make the choice to quit and move on with his life or end up loosing his wife and kid.

I was recently told that the 40s are the new 30s and the new 20s are the 30s if this logic and reasoning is true that would explain a lot in how people act and react.  I have a tendancy to call anyone under thirty a twelve year old.  The reason being is because most of them act exactly like the line describes.  It is unfortunate that a person has to search their whole life to find someone mature enough to date.  which I think is the key to this whole entry.  Maturity level is what this entry is all about.  See some people can be mature enough to go out drinking and partying, but when it comes to responsibilities and errands they lack the motivation as well as the necessary skill set to accomplish the tasks presented to them.

I am never amazed when I see someone in their 20s trying to showboat and make out that they are tougher than they really are.  But here is the thing that i want you to know and be aware of, you are going to have to get through their persona, and see the real person for who they are.  You might just find yourself going through a slew of people till find one that respects and cares for you as much as you care and feel for them.  Whenever you meet a new person you are going to have to take the time to get to know the person, because as you know we all put on our best face when we meet someone new.  You have to be able to get to know the person that is hiding behind the mask that they have on.  This is what I call the honeymoon period, because every one puts their best efforts forward when they first meet someone but over time that mask wears thin and they become more comfortable around you and you begin to see the person that was completely hidden by the mask that they were wearing.

It is after the honeymoon period has come to an end and you are beginning to see the person who has been hiding, when you will discover how mature that person really is.  See during the honeymoon period when the mask is firmly in place it is hard to tell what the person is really like. They are acting and telling you exactly what they think you want to hear.  But once the period ends you will begin to see the person for who and what they are.  As I told you before maturity is the sign post at which you need to guage the person you are seeing. You need to find someone that is compatible with you on and emotional level.  Age is not really a factor when it comes right down to it, because when your spirit talks to another on an emotional and spiritual level you are going to finally feel complete.  Souls talk to souls by the vibrations that they put out. In an earlier entry i talk to you about resonating frequencies and how like frequencies can blend in harmony with each other, and that is exactly what happens when two souls commune with one another.

I can only hope and wish that you find a soul that you resonate with, that the person you find respects you and loves you as much as you love them.  Because I have a time or two found myself loving another more than they loved me and the relationship ended horribly.  Do yourself a favor and get to know the other person, wait for their mask to start to slip because then is when you are actually going to meet the real person for the first time.  You may find that you have a lot in common or you may find yourself wondering why you took the time to get to know the person if it was just going to turn out in heart break.  I have heard so many people say that they dont date friends because they dont want to mess up their friendship.  i say to you that a relationship that is not based on friendship is doomed to failure from the very star.  You need to be patient and take the time to get to know another person, wait for them to remove their mask.

Only you can decide if the person your are talking too is a kindred spirit,  or if they are just a person who you can have a long lasting friendship with.  Every one of us puts on our best face when we meet a new person, and each of us goes through a period where we try to impress the other person, this stage is called the honeymoon stage and after that period ends the person that remains is the real person that you need to get to know.  It is unfortunate, but sometimes it takes getting to know another person several times before you get to the real person, who is behind that mask that they have put on.

Remember that we each need to act our age and not our shoe size, we need to demonstrate through our actions and deeds that we are genuine and sincere.  Age is just a number and really doesnt have a direct bearing on a realtionship but maturity does.  So, if someone is acting immature and doesnt meet up with your personal maturity and comfort level you need to let them go and keep searching because sooner or later you are going to run into that one soul that talks to you on its own level.  Remember that like souls vibrate and oscillate in harmony.

One more thing that you need to keep in mind is that wisdom doesnt necessarily come with age. Wisdom is knowledge that is gained by age and circumstance.  You can be old and not wise, but you can not really be wise without age.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

what is it too you?

I have been told that I should not share my life with you.  That I should edit what I put online, but here is the simple truth.  I am an open book, I have nothing to fear or hide. I want the world to know me. I have been through so much that I feel that I must share it with you.  I have been writing in this blog since 2012 and I have used my life as examples throughout.  I have found that people respond to what I have been through and can use my experiences to enrich their own life and walk their own journey.  It is my desire that one person find comfort, solace, help or even companionship in my writing.  I don't understand why some people want to limit what I have to say.  I guess it is because I tend to shed light on things that they wish to keep hidden.  But, see I write whatever I feel is needed at the time it is needed.  

You don't know how many times I receive emails telling me that my words or adventure has hit home for them, that they have found comfort in my words, or have found a way around a specific problem just because whatever I had written spoke directly too them.  Now, for the record I must confess that when I sit down to write, it isn't always my words that I find on the page or on the screen.  What do I mean by that, well sometimes I don't even remember writing what I am reading off the screen.  It is as if someone else had written the words, and I was just the person who sat down and typed them out.

Now if you follow my Facebook page, you will find that what I am about to talk to you about is something that I found out from my doctors yesterday.  One of the many reasons I write to you and tell you what is going on in my life, is because I don't have that many friends here in Daytona, and I pretty much have no one to talk to about what is happening in my life and what I am going through.  Most of the time when I sit down to write it is to purge my system and just get it out.  Once I start to let everything out on the screen I start to feel better about myself and everything else just seems to fall into place.  I don't know if you can follow what I am trying to say, so I will break it down just a little farther.  See because I really don't have anyone to talk to about my problems, issues, and adventures, I have found that writing them out and talking to you my readers is just like having a close personal friend that I can talk to.  You would be surprised at how many times, I have found the answer I was seeking while I was sitting down writing to you all.  

Some of you know me really well, others maybe not.  Those that know me will tell you that I am a very social person. I hate to be alone, and I love to talk to others, and if I don't have that outlet I start to go crazy.  So without having someone here in Daytona that I can really talk to about everything that is happening in my life I turn to my blog and put it all out there.  Once I do that I start feeling better, it is like a great big weight has been lifted off of my shoulders, and I can finally go on.  This is very important too me, because for so many years I kept everything bottled up inside of me, and when I did let those feelings out it was like a volcanic eruption and it was usually at the wrong person.  So instead of doing that anymore, I have learned that I can purge my feelings and soul by writing out what I am going through and it is just like having a friend close by that I can talk to.

Now with that being said, I want to go a little bit more in depth about what the doctors told me yesterday and why it has me so scared and upset.  But before I do, let me tell you that I have tried to reach out to others, left text messages and called and never got a response so it is time for me to let it all out and maybe someone who reads this will pick up the phone, or drop me a line and of course a dialog will begin and I may feel even better about my situation.  

Yesterday, I went to Orlando to see my infectious disease doctor, and of course the news was not exactly what I wanted to hear.  Now just for the record, no doctor ever tells me something that I want to hear, it is always this negative stuff, and too me it seems like they have given up on me and have already written me off as dead.  But, let me tell you if that is what they are thinking they are in for a rude surprise when I am still here years after they thought I would be gone.  So here we go, a purge is about to begin, so if you don't want to hear what is going on in my life at the moment then I encourage you to leave right now. Stop reading what I am writing and log off of my blog, because I am about to tell you everything the doctors told me yesterday, and why I am so scared of what I have found out.

See most of you know that over the summer and fall I was attacked by a vicious bacterial infection called osteomilitis.  This is a bacterial infection that attacks bones and bone marrow.  It can attack the human body anywhere there is bone. I spent 4 months in a nursing home and 2 months in the hospital.  Very painful, and not any fun at all.  Anyway, I have digressed a little bit, I want to tell you the exact words from my ID physician.  He told me that the MRI that I had done on February 4th showed advanced progression of the bacterial infection and that I would have to go back into a skilled nursing facility to closely monitor the antibiotics that I would have to take.  I was also told that the time that I spent in intensive care back in February had caused some serious complications with my kidneys as well as my liver an it looked like I would have to go through Hep C treatments all over again.  Which is a big concern for myself, because exactly a year ago, I had an aneurysm due to the fact that the Hep C treatment had weakened the vein to my liver and it ruptured on me and I almost bled to death.

So, as you can tell I have some things on my plate that have made me a bit nervous.  But, let me tell you something else that I have become acutely aware of is that by the grace of God and all the many people that are out there praying for me I have been healed and I am closer today in my walk with God then I have ever been before, and I will let nothing and no one weaken that bond that I have finally developed.  I can also tell you that when I thought things were the darkest and I felt like I was going to have to face all of this on my own, my phone rang, and I heard a voice from my past.  It was my best friend, and someone that I love with all my heart.  He told me that he was in trouble and that he was here in Florida and he need my help. I got to speak to him once again tonight and because of our conversation I feel stronger and more sure of myself.  I know that I can do this. I can face this demon head on and with the Might of Jesus and the support of my friends and family I am going to survive this.

Just the other night a really close friend of mine told me that he saw God within me and knew that I had a ministry and a mission to fulfill and because of that he knew that I was not going anywhere and that I would beat this malady that has afflicted my body.  I know that at times, with the pain, and anguish that I face my faith sometimes falters, but only for  a minute. I don't let nothing and no one hold me down and make me sad for long.  I stay positive and focused and that is the way that God meant for us to tackle our problems.  Remember that God helps those that help themselves, and if we let our light shine for Jesus we will never be forsaken or forgotten.  

I have catered to people all my life, I have tried extremely hard to please everyone, I have also tried to rescue every lost soul that I could find and sometimes to the point of hurting myself.  I have to tell you that over the past year I have learned that I cannot be like that anymore. I have to do for myself. I have to stand on my own, and I have to fight, because as I found out the hard way, when things get tough around you, you will be standing there and fighting all alone. No one is going to defend you or have your back unless you are very lucky to find your soul-mate.  Just the other day I told you guys that I thought that I had given up on love, but here I was putting my heart back out there and I am willing to try again.  There has got to be someone out there for me. Someone that wants and needs me as much as I need them.  I will remain strong in my faith and I know that Jesus is going to deliver me through these times of trial and I will be victorious and I will not have to face this all by myself that He has someone out there for me that is willing to stand by my side and will keep me fighting and keep  my head up and my confidence high.  I know this as sure as I am sitting here talking to you.

God will not forsake me in my hour of need, He will not leave me hanging and defenseless.  He is not that kind of God and the closer I walk with Him the more of His divine plan I see, and I know that there is someone just around the corner, just out of sight and reach at this particular moment, but the time is moving faster now and I know that before I wait too much longer the person he has for me will be here and I will not be alone anymore.  I have no more doubts, and my fears are laid to the side because as I approach this new year I feel and sense that change is in the air for me and those around me.  Life is precious and it is a great gift that God has bestowed upon us and we must maintain it and claim it in His name.

Like I said earlier I have done for others to the exclusion of myself and I will not and cannot do it anymore.  So for those of you who are my detractors, those haters that have something against me, or want something from me that I am not ready or willing to give, trust me when I tell you to shove off and move on there is nothing here for you anymore.  See my life has become more intense and I have a network of friends now that are supportive and will stand with me as I face the coming days.  So what is it too you what I write about?  What I disclose on Facebook or in my blog?  You have no claim on me, you can't tell me what to do. If I am hurting you in some way, I am sorry but I have got to be the person God made me and wants me to be.  I am a book that needs to be read, there are strong and powerful lessons to be learned from me and my example, and because I won't listen to you, you want to tell me to stop putting my life out on social media. well screw you! Who do you think you are?  You certainly don't think that I am going to stop just because you said I needed to, do you?  

If you can't abide by my decisions, and you don't like how I put myself out there, then I guess if you don't want your business told on your interactions with me  you need to move on.  Because there is nothing hidden in my life, and if you want your participation hidden then I suggest you don't participate with me, because I  am telling you anything that happens in my life is going to be shared with my readers.  This is what they are here for. They want to learn from my mistakes and they like the way I write, therefore I am sorry, I am not going to change for you!

All my life I have dealt with people like you wanting to control me for your own gain, to use me and what I can do for you.  But honey it is too late and I have been about used up.  I am moving on so should you.  I haven't got anything left for you. There are always going to be haters out there and they will always try to pull you down, they can't stand to see you happy or you succeeding but too bad I am not up for grabs, I have my eye set on a prize and I think I am going to claim it and make it mine finally. Personally I have waited a long time for a specific person and if they still aren't ready now, I am willing to wait some more.  

I hope you can understand what I am saying, where I am coming from and the direction I am heading there is no room this time for others to hang on and drag at me. I am free, and I am going to fly, and when I do, I am going to do it with or without your support.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

God is talking and I am listening

I know that I have talked about this before, but God has laid it upon my heart to reach out to you again and remind some of you that you are trying to hard to get ahead in life.  You are striving to get that raise, move to the next level in you work life.  But your home life is suffering and taking a backseat, and that isn't fair to those around you that love and cherish you.  It is time for you to slow down, it is okay to be ambitious.  But it is not okay to be ruthless and try to discredit or hurt the ones that are competing against you.  You are supposed to bring all things to Jesus and lay them at His feet and that includes challenges at work and yes even that promotion you are shooting for.

Too many of us get wrapped up in ourselves and cannot separate work life from home life.  For some reason you cannot compartmentalize and separate the too and guess what your home life becomes just as stressful as your work life.  Trust me the ones around you can see it and feel it when you are near.  That stress and tension that you have at work needs to stay at work.  Now I am not saying that you cannot tell your spouse about your day whether it was good or bad, but the tension and stress needs to be left outside at your front door.

It has been weighing on my heart that many of us are looking back over our lives and we are not anywhere near where we thought we would be.  Some of you are, but a majority of us aren't.  Whether you have had a setback due to health, injury, lay offs, downsizing etc. you aren't where you thought you would be.  I know that when I look back at my life I would never have thought that at the age of 46 that I would be starting my life all over again, that I would be single and that I would be renting an apartment and struggling to make ends meet.  How could I have planned this?  How did this actually happen to me, and what am I doing about it to get myself and my mind right about all of the things that have happened to me over the past 10 years?

The honest truth is in April of 2012, I made a conscious decision to leave Atlanta Georgia and return to Florida.  I had been heavily in the drug scene in Atlanta and was actually homeless and was roaming the streets.  It was bitter cold because it was during the winter.  The day that I boarded the bus in Atlanta was 3 March 2012, and I had only the clothes on my back a sweat shirt and sweat pants and a pair of tennis shoes.  Yet, there was a reason for my decision to leave.  I had found out in December that I had kidney stones real bad and they were extremely painful.  On Dec. 23, 2011 I had to have surgery to have the stones removed and after the surgery the Urologist came into the room and told me that my kidneys were failing that one was working at 15% and the other at 50%.  the other thing that he told me was that my condition was irreversible and that I needed to go home because if I didn't I would end up another statistic on the street that had died.  So I boarded a bus and literally came home to die.

Before I go on here I need to explain about the drug usage that occurs in my life.  See, I have emotional issues about my body, my scars, my having to have a colostomy bag and other issues.  Therefore getting high was the only way that I could feel comfortable around other people to take off my clothes and have sex.  Now this might sound strange to you, but it is the honest and unvarnished truth.  See my drug of choice is Crystal Meth, unfortunately as I have found out over the past 3 years is that using that stuff takes a very heavy toll on my body and I end up every time I use in the hospital.  So, I had to ask myself was the couple of hours that I was high worth the price my body was taking and was it worth all the time I ended up spending in the hospital.  The answer is No.  Even recently in Feb. I thought I was healthy enough to try it, and granted I had been off of it close to a full year, but my body wasn't with it. I ended up in ICU for 7 days with acute renal failure.  My kidneys were damaged so much this last time that they thought I was going to have to have dialysis and my body probably wouldn't have been able to survive the shock that puts on your system.  Luckily a lot of you were praying for me, and I am thankful that once again the Hand of God intervened due to all the prayers and well wishes you sent my way because let me tell you something a miracle happened on the fourth day that I was in there.  My kidneys miraculously came back on line and started working better.  The creatinin level started to decline and the doctors knew that I was returning to a normal state.

You maybe wondering why I am going into all of this stuff.  Because I want you to realize something, choices that we make can bring us to a place where we don't want to be or never expected to be in a million years.  When I got out of the Navy in 1991 I had a tumor in my colon 8" long x 5" wide and had to go through chemo and radiation.  This slowed me down at the age of 24, but four years later I was bouncing back and had moved to Atlanta and had started a life.  Me and Joe had it all good jobs bringing in lots of money.  We had 2 houses, several cars, 2 dogs, a cat.  Basically we made it to where we wanted to be.  However in 2004 all of that was going to change.  My symptoms returned and I got sick again, and on Jan 25, 2005 they decided that they were going to operate on me and that was the biggest mistake of my life.  It led me down the current path I am on.  See it was after the surgeries and the damage that the doctors did to my body that I learned about Crystal Meth and how it could help me overcome my insecurities and have a semi normal relationship with other people.  However, it is also the very reason that I am single today and where I am at, if you want to know that absolute truth.

Yet, even I look back at my life and I see what I had and what I have lost and sometimes it makes me sad.  I threw away a lot of people that cared about me and embarked on a solo journey that was going to end with my destruction.  However, I have come off that path and have found a new direction to focus my energies on and that is you my friends.  I am here because someone out there needs to hear this right now.  One person's life is going to be altered by my writing this.  I know this to be true because God has spoken too me and I am finally listening.  See the drug was a crutch, I cannot be happy with anyone else till I am totally comfortable with who I am, and I mean all of me.  Not just the parts that I like but the bags, scares and everything else that goes with it.

My point is as I look back and see where I have been and where I am at now, neither place was where I exactly wanted to be.  Yet, if it hadn't been for that journey and going through everything that I did, I wouldn't be sitting here writing too you and trying to help you.  See I would be out there doing the same stuff that all my friends are still doing and not going forward with my life, just stuck on Repeat, doing the same things day in and day out and using people and trying to work out how I am going to get high again tomorrow.  I am so glad that my dad and God decided that enough was enough and helped me get to Florida.

In the first 8 months that I was here, I had a job, a car, and an apartment.  I was making real progress and doing stuff for myself.  I had joined some groups and had made some really good friends.  I am hoping that this year is going to be a better year and I am going to be hanging out with those new friends now more than ever.

So what am I really trying to tell you in this very long and drawn out narrative. Is simply this.  When you look back at your life and you find that you aren't exactly where you thought you would be.  You need to look at what you have done, been and accomplished.  See it is the journey that counts and when all is said and done you are going to realize that you are exactly where you are supposed to be.  God brought you to the perfect place so you could tell your story.  It is time now to become happy and content with where you are at any stage of your life.  See, once you realize that you are where God wants you too be and you have come to the conclusion that you truly arrived the rest is so easy and usually falls right into place.

I hope that this helped someone today, because it was upon my heart and I know someone out there needed to hear this today.

May God guide you and keep you.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

My Mother Forwarded this Message too me...Pretty Funny!

I have often felt like this: What about You?

An Itinerary for 2015:

                       I have been in many places, but I've never

                       been in Kahoots. Apparently, you can't go

                       alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone.

                       I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one

                       recognizes you there.

                       I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have

                       an airport; you have to be driven there. I

                       have made several trips there, thanks to my

                       children, friends,

                       Family and work.

                       I would like to go to Conclusions, but you

                       have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical

                       activity anymore.

                       I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place

                       to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

                       I've been in Flexible, but only when it was

                       very important to Stand firm.

                       Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more

                       often as I'm getting older.

                       One of my favorite places to be is in

                       Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing

                       and pumps up the old heart!

                       At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

                       I may have been in Continent, but I don't

                       remember what country I was in. It's an age

                       thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

                       */PLEASE DO YOUR PART!/*

                       You can do your bit by remembering to tell this too

                       at least one unstable person.

                       My job is done! Life is too short for negative

                       drama and petty Things. So laugh insanely,

                       love truly and forgive quickly!

                       From one unstable person to another. I hope

                       everyone is happy in your head - we're all

                       doing pretty well in mine!

If you think about it the author takes some very valid and interesting states and makes them see like physical locales.  I really do feel like I have been to some of these places, maybe even been a frequent visitor there during my life.

Just think about I bet you will find that you have been to many of them yourself.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

When you make time still

Last night we talked about how life comes out of darkness and from strife comes change.  I wanted to talk to you more about darkness and moments in our lives when we need to sit back and reflect.  Each of us comes to a point in our lives when we look back over our life and are disheartened by where we are at.  Most of the time this comes when we are down and are trying to figure out which way we have to go.  Darkness has descended on our lives and our emotions are all embroiled.  I reflect back and I look at where I am today and I am saddened because I sometimes feel like I have been a complete failure.  My father said once that Bryan look at your life and what you have lost, you are 46 years old and you should know better.  You cannot help everyone, some people don't want saving, and they just want to take advantage of you and your kindness. You should be so much more secure in your life and situation.  FAILURE is what that message screamed to me, making me feel even worse about myself and the my life.

See, I never thought that at 46 I would be living back at my dad's struggling to get back on my feet and to turn my life around.  If you look back at where I have been and what I had you will begin to realize that my life wasn't so bad.  But from my current vantage point it is just so much easier to see where I am and not where I have been.  Yes, I miss my home, my cars, my friends, my old life, but the loss was not of my own doing.  I had some fault in the matter, but illness took the center stage in my life and rewrote my story.  This can happen to anyone, no matter where you are at in life and what you have achieved, illness can come in and with a wide sweeping reach can take everything away in a blink.  I have been going through a very dark place for a very long time, and it will never be over.  What I look forward to is the bits of light that break through that darkness and for a little bit light my path.  In other words, from 2005 till now I have been in and out of hospitals constantly and have been fighting for my life. I have been sick and there doesn't seem to be an end to this in sight. Yet, there have been spots in this turmoil where I have met friends, partners and lovers, that have made life bearable.

During those times of darkness and when the doubt and despair creep in, I need to take the time to reflect and make time stand still. I need to look back at my life and see the whole thing. See the bigger picture.  See, it isn't where I am at that is important. No, it was the journey that brought me here.  It is what has molded me, crafted me and made me into the person I am today.  When I look at all I have done, been and accomplished my life doesn't seem so bleak at all.  As a matter of fact my life starts looking to like a plot to a movie or a great fast paced book.  I have had such a colorful past, many interesting friends and have been into so many things and through so much drama that you would think that I couldn't have possibly lived like that.  Trust me, anyone that knows me can tell you that I have had a very blessed and magical life.  So,  when I take the time to actually reflect and see the entire picture the story doesn't seem so hopeless or tragic, on the contrary it starts to look pretty darn good.

In our darkest times and we are stuck without light I believe that there comes a point just before the light crests the horizon that we come to terms with whatever it is that we are going through and just at the perfect precise moment that all things seem possible to us.  Like life is renewing itself and everything starts to seem right again in the world.  Now, you might be wonder what in the world am I talking about.  If you remember back to an article I wrote in 2012 I told you that there are no perfect moments in our lives, that time waits for no one and we have to create those special moments by doing little things to make those moments memorable forever.  It is my belief that during our trials, tribulations and pain, there comes a single moment when we have made a decision to change and have started to take steps on that new path that a moment of clarity comes to us and we know that what we are doing is possible.

This is just another point in my discussion that strengthens my argument that out of darkness comes life.  That the strife that we face in life (darkness) is the catalyst for change. During our journey through that time of darkness there comes a moment in our thought process where we begin to look for answers and an escape from the trouble that is hounding us.  I believe that when we sit back and reflect on our lives, and see the journey and the destinations we have had along the way we make time still and our mind calms and we can see all the possible solutions to our situation.

Just keep this in mind that everything changes, and you have to too in order to evolve. Nothing last forever, and in the darkness everything seems possible at some points.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Catalyst for change!

Someone told me last week that out of darkness comes life, and I have been thinking on that all week. I had been sick and I am sorry that I haven't been able to write, but I am starting to feel a little better with the antibiotics.  Anyhow we were talking about life coming from darkness.  The Bible tells us in the beginning there was darkness and God spoke and there was light, then He created the earth.

Have you ever noticed when your life is turned upside down and you can't seem to figure out which way to turn, let alone figure out what to do and how to solve the issue or the problem that your life seems to take on a new direction and path that you have no idea where it is going to lead you?  Well, I have several times and at these moments my life totally changed and went in a different direction and brought me to a new destination.  I believe that these dark times or trouble times are way points on the road of life.  They make us re-evaluate our entire situation, and though it may seem bleak and you feel desperate and alone you are not.  God is with you!

I know it is difficult sometimes to just let go and leave it up to God, Fate, or whatever you believe.  But, the saying that my grandmother used to say to me all the time, this too shall pass.  Trust me everything has it's time and season.  Nothing last forever and even though our problems don't always go away when we want them too or get resolve exactly as we thought they should.  They are resolved exactly as the should.  Fate takes us to where we need to be.

So, what exactly do I mean catalyst for change?  It is my opinion and belief that we, mankind, only learn our lessons through pain.  Follow me on this, there is a certain amount of grief and pain we feel whenever we hit the dark spots in our lives.  They always say it's "always darkest before the dawn" and I believe that to be true.  What do I exactly mean by this, well for each trial we go through a lesson is learned and I bet there was either physical or emotional pain involved in this life changing event.

Like this month, I ended up running short on money because of some very poor management of my funds. I thought I was going to have to struggle and that I wouldn't have enough food to eat for the rest of the month or gas to get to the appointments that I have.  I was worried, upset at myself for the frivolous spending and full of regret.  However, I left the situation in God's hands, was completely honest with myself that I was foolish to purchase what I did. However the damage, was done and I was eagerly awaiting the UPS to deliver what I had order.  I think most people go through something like this whenever they make a big purchase, I call it buyers remorse, guilt over buying something that you wanted.  It would be different if what you purchased was needed. But this item was a want and a must have.

Needless to say this was a bit of a dark period for me.  Just a minor storm on the sea of life and just a little example.  A bigger example would be the point when in August I went to the imaging center to have an MRI of my back.  I could hardly get up from the bed let alone do much of anything else because my back hurt so bad.  But, I drove to the center, got in the door and was in a wheelchair and in less than an hour I was in the hospital to stay till November.  It was a long hard journey, I was told I would never walk again that my life would be forever altered because I would need to have extra aid in walking and getting around.  But, I did as I always do, I prayed and I plodded on, did what I could and let go of the rest. Here I am now out of the hospital and I still have pain in my back but nothing like I did when I went to the hospital.  I have trouble coughing or yawning because my rib cage is partially compressed which doesn't allow my lungs to fully expand.

Because of that infection and the damage done to my spine, my life will forever be changed. I will not be able to lift heavy objects, fully expand my lungs and I will have to stay on some form of pain pills or substance to keep me going.  I have had to change my lifestyle quite a bit to make the concessions this new body is requiring.  Now I have to depend on other people for help grocery shopping, carrying items too and from my car, doing my laundry and anything requiring me to stand for any length of time.  The pain becomes so great then my legs stop working, I have loss of strength on the left side of my body still and my leg still gives out whenever it wants too.

I made it through. I kept remember that everything has an expiration date, and moves on with time. No matter the trouble you are going through, someone else out there is going through something worse.  If you try and keep that in mind your mountain might not seem to be as high as it was a first glance.  Humans have a tendency to over-react to situations, they panic, and worry especially me. I am the worrier, I have a vivid imagination and every possible bad thing seems to run through my mind before I have even analyzed the problem correctly. So my molehill becomes a giant mountain and I don't know how to climb it, scale its sides or make it around.  These are the things that I call darkness in our lives.  Another, could be the loss of a loved one, the repossession of a house or car. Any disaster that hits our lives head on without any warning.

Pain causes us to change our course.  We either have to climb and scale the mountain or go around somehow.  We aren't perfect and we make bad choices and decisions and we have to live with the consequences.  So when is it that we make this life altering changes?  Not in the average every day problem. But those disasters that derail us from our goals.  They rob us of our breathe and cause us great anxiety or suffer some huge loss.  My friend lost her mother, and her brother within seven months of each other, and while she was planning the funeral for her brother, still mourning her mother's passing, her house was repossessed and she was given a court order to abandon the family home within 3 days.  Now, that is a disaster, a life changing event.  It was a dark time for her, and even now 9 months later she is still reeling from that disaster, but she did what she had to do and stayed true to herself and her faith.

I was trying to figure out the amount of pain it takes to make us change our ways, habits, lifestyles.  I would say it takes and earth shattering, mind blowing, rock bottom place before we change and make a new path for ourselves to walk upon.  I recently lost my best friend and partner, he decided to leave and fulfill other obligations.  But, because of his decision and lack of communication it caused a great deal of hurt, pain and eventually loss.  Not to mention right after that I got the infection in my back and started the downward  spiral in my health.  This loss caused me to re-evaluate my needs and desires.  I went from a 2 bedroom to a one bedroom and started to minimize my possessions. I took and fulfilled my needs and not my wants.

So, darkness, light, pain, trouble. are these the catalyst for change?  Yes and no.  Trouble and pain are found in the darkness, and when they are exposed to the light the change occurs.  So in a way light at the end of the tunnel is a sign that change is coming to you. That you have journey over the mountain or made your way around it.  Keep in mind that anything done in the darkness eventually comes to light.  Meaning whatever you have done in secret or in a hurtful manner will eventually be exposed.  Things that flourish in darkness such as despair, loneliness, depression, anxiety all of these things fade when expose to the light because the light cannot tolerate them, happiness, truth, and change are things of the light and they can't survive long in darkness.

Putting out positive bring you positive back.  No one can make you change anything except you.  You have to hit the absolute rock bottom, see no way out, no future, have no hope and even then if you don't have the desire to change you won't. All you will do is wallow in your self-pity, indulge your sense of despair and hopeless. You will wander around in the darkness and suffer until you make the change.  Your tolerance for pain, humiliation and degradation are great and I have myself wallowed in self-pity and been on self-destructive paths, so I know what I am talking about.  Take a chance, walk out in faith and grab the light, for in it you will excel and you will see that your issue, problem, addiction or whatever the issue is cannot keep you down forever.  Remember, everything in this life has and expiration date and that means it isn't permanent and won't last forever, you can and will come through it.  Whether or not it changed you is totally up to you.

Change comes in many forms, and the road of life is not a straight shot, it is rocky, got lots of potholes, obstacles and way point along the way.  It is this journey that makes us into the people we are today.  Keep an open mind be flexible and not afraid of change.  Keep moving forward and do the best that you can do and learn from every obstacle you hit.  Because if you aren't learning you aren't actually living you are just surviving. You could be lost or stuck in a rut but you will never get out if you aren't open to change.  You don't have to continually endure the pain, there is a way out, you just have to find it.

As always my hope and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

To live quietly and walk with confidence will take you further in life

When I talk about living quietly I mean letting your actions be your voice, lead by example.  I know we have talked about lies, truth, integrity.  But what about your actions, how are they interpreted by those who observe them?  Honestly the old adage actions speaks louder than words is so accurate it isn't funny.  Every day I strive to live by my word and let my actions show my affection and love.  Many people aren't used to that so they don't know how to take me.  Yet, it is the way I think is effective in demonstrating that you practice what you preach.

When you are confident about yourself there is an air around you that others notice and are drawn too.  Almost like there is an energy field around you and your quiet confidence and sureness lends authority to your manner.  You demonstrate through actions that you know what you are doing and that you are firm.  Living this way will impress everyone around you.  They are going to want to be like you and envy you.  But it isn't all about that.  What it is about is that those who see you know immediately that they can trust you, that you aren't going to let them down.  You have a certain gleam in your eyes, you are not over ambitious or one that is going to pull the wool over their eyes.  You are truly a man of integrity and someone that others can look up to and emulate.

Think about it, I am sure you have seen a very confident person, a person who has everything going for them. They are positive, outgoing and receptive to new ideas and things.  They are people persons, those who go out of their way to show that they care about themselves and others.  These are the people that are soon moved into leadership positions and can command the attention of a room just by walking into it. The don't demonstrate fear, they show understanding and compassion as well as learning.  Usually they are accomplished and intelligent and wear their confidence like a second skin.

If you can be more like them I am sure you can see how this will open doors for you.  If you are grouchy, crotchety or any other nasty euphemism I can think of do you think you will get very far in your career or with the goals in your life?  If you are sitting there waiting for things to happen for you, do they?  The answer to both of those is NO.  You have to grab life by the horns and take a step forward.  You have to know what you want and not let anything stop you in getting it.  This will build your confidence and if you soften this with letting your actions show how you are feeling you will find that  you have become and unstoppable force.

But if you sit there waiting for your ship to come in or for the right opportunity to come knocking at your door, you are going to wake up one day and find that life has passed  you by and you have missed all the opportunities that you we waiting for.  You have to go out there and live. You cannot sit idly by and hope and pray that things will come your way.  Remember that sometimes a door is closed so that we can open it and step through.  You might be surprised at what you find on the other side of it.

See I keep trying to tell people it isn't where you end up that matters it is the road that you took to get there that builds you up and makes you the person you are. Remember what I said last year about us being the sum of all our interactions, decisions, choice and the consequences of them.  Well, that is the road I am talking about here. See it is all of those things that have brought you to your stopping point that have tempered you and molded you and made you ready for where you are at.

So please go out there show others how much you care for them through  your actions.  Have that air of confidence around you always and see what doors it will open for you.

Take some time and think about it, I am sure you will come to find that I am right.  Just like when you are in and interview if you are successful in selling yourself to the employer you have got the job.  If you aren't successful guess what they move on and select another candidate.  It is all about your confidence level.

Trust me it works.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

You Know It Is Possible To Reinvent Yourself

No matter what you are going through, or have been through, doesn't have to define you. You do have the ability to reinvent yourself.  If something isn't working for you, change it.  As I have told you before, life doesn't come with a remote control, so if isn't to your liking get off your butt and change it. You maybe wondering what I am talking about here, because you know that I don't honestly think a person can change their core being, that they are essentially going to be the same.  Now, let me try to explain a little further what I mean here. See it is important for you to get this.  See, if you are a kind and caring, compassionate person, and have a huge heart.  Nothing that you ever do or change about yourself is ever going to change that.  All the exterior trappings, masks and changes that you display to the world is ever going to make a bit of difference. You are essentially going to remain that same kind, loving compassionate individual.  So when I am talking about reinventing yourself, I guess the proper description would be that you can change your persona or image that others have of you.  You have the ability to make the world around you see you differently. If you can change your modus operandi, the trappings that you have cloaked yourself in you entire life, it is possible to create a new persona or image that you will be identified with by your family and friends.

You are probably shaking your head at this point and wondering what the hell I am talking about.  You might even thinking that I am talking to you in Greek, but I am not.  I have a lot of friends in the entertainment industry people that are actors, actresses, singers, song writers, composers, and of course stage and theater performers that are constantly reinventing themselves and changing the way people see them.  See each of them has an image that the world sees and recognizes them as.  Look at Madonna, she has continually reinvented herself and her style year after year.  This is what I am talking about.  You too can reinvent how the world sees and views you.  Let me break it down a little further for you.  Many of you know me from my days running and selling drugs.  Others know me before that, like from high school and the Navy.  Each of these groups of friends have different views and ideas about me and the person I am.  The people that were my friends from high school probably remember a geeky little guy, who had an extremely big heart, and a way of touching people so that they all remembered him.  He was also funny, caring and made sure that he knew everyone and what was important in their lives.  The folks from my past drug days, will probably have a different idea of who and what I am.  But they will also tell you this, he is a guy with an extremely big heart, that cares about everyone, and helps anyone that he can.  But he is a good business man, and makes money selling his stuff.  For those people that remember me from when I worked for the State of Georgia, they will tell you that I am extremely smart, but I had a lot of drama that followed me and my life.   One thing that they will also say is that I knew what I was about, confident and had very important people relying on my advice and suggestions as far as my job went.

Now, what does all of this mean, see at each phase of my life, I adapted the persona to fit the situation, but my core personality always show through.  I am who I am  and that is all I can be is a saying that I am very fond of, but that is my heart, my soul and my spirit.  Who the world sees when I wake up in the morning is someone different.  Perceptions play a very big role in our lives.  As I have told you before we all wear masks. The outward face that the world sees, and this is what I am talking about when I am telling you that you can reinvent yourself.  I went from a nerd to a preppy, to a business man, to a drug addict, to an educated writer and speaker that writes a blog and helps people all over the place.  These are incarnations of who I am and the phases that I have been through and continuing in.  You might even think of these as my way stops or resting places along the road of life.  These are the phases or careers, or paths that I have taken.  They aren't who I am, because I am still growing, maturing and adapting to life, so I am far from being complete and whole.  For each new path, passage or road that I take I have to reinvent myself, or explore and define who and what I am.  The world will identify with that persona.  I might dress like my thug boyfriend and be considered white chocolate, you never know, it could happen.  It is probably not very likely but stranger things have happened in my life.

Let me put this another way, the other day I was talking to you about patterns of behavior, and how we can break out of them.  These patterns of behavior, are the actions and reactions that we most often take under certain situations.  A persona, is similar to a pattern.  A persona is the way we react and interact with others in a professional and sometimes in a social setting.  Whereas a pattern of behavior is our typical reaction to stress, and emotional catalysts.  Now, if you can understand this it shouldn't be too much harder to grasp the concept of reinvention.  There are times when each of us reaches a point in our life where we feel like we are stagnate, stale and not enjoying life anymore. Or you might have a reputation of being a thief or a liar, a drug addict or something else unflattering.  This might bring you to a point where you don't want to be identified like that anymore, or if you have a child and you want to be more responsible and respectable for their benefit. These are good reasons for reinventing yourself. No matter what your reason for wanting to change be reassured that you have the ability to change it, make a difference, and correct the misconceptions that others have of you.

Actors and stars do this all the time, they change their look, their sound or key identifiers that people use to associate with them.  You and I may never get to the point in our life when we are a household name and everyone is going to know us, but it is possible to change the way your friends and family look at you and see you.  Basically in a nutshell reinvention is making a change in your image or reputation. If you do that then you have changed your persona or have reinvented yourself.  Simple as that.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B