Family Ties

This evening I am sitting here thinking back over my family and wondering what happened in my life that there are no Family Ties.  My mother and I are pretty close, I call her when I have the time and I am feeling up to it.  But, I hardly speak to my father or my brother.  I am trying to figure out what happened to these two relationships that makes them so difficult and hard for me.  My father and I got along pretty well when I stayed with him, but since I moved out and have tried to make it on my own we have had some troubled times and have shared some harsh words and feelings. 

My brother on the other hand we were closer when we were younger but ever since I moved to Atlanta back in 1997 we have drifted further and further apart and we hardly speak to one another unless something bad has happened in the family.  I see some of his posts on Facebook but I don't even have an address or phone number to contact him on. I have asked my mom several times to send me his number she says that she will and never does.

But my family hasn't always been this distant to one another. When my dad's mom was alive we were a much closer knit family, and all of the relatives talked and we saw each other quite often. Since her passing the whole family drifted apart and seemed to go their own separate ways. My dad's youngest brother died just last month in November and that leaves only my father as the last of my grandmother's children.  Though all of us grandchildren and great grandchildren are still around my dad immediate family line is completely gone except for him. This must make it lonely for him, though he drifted further and further from his family as the years went by it must be a terrible feeling knowing that you are the last one standing.

I really don't know what caused the rift in my own immediate family and I don't know what is keeping us so far apart from one another. I call my dad when I am go into the hospital, and I try to check up on him every couple of weeks, but he really doesn't reach out and call me like that unless it is my birthday or a holiday.  As far as my brother, I don't know what happened between us, when we are together we seem to get along fine and we talk to one another as far as I know there is no hard feelings between us or a reason that is keeping us apart.

I don't know maybe it has something to do with me being gay and always being in a relationship that has kept him away.  I don't know, or it could be that I have been sick for so long and everyone has thought I was going to die so many times maybe he doesn't want to get close to me because losing his brother to illness and death might be too hard to bare.  I really don't know the answer to that question.

How can a family turn out to produce 4 individuals that are so different from one another?  It is almost like we are total strangers to one another, we don't seem to confide in each other and we are all dealing with our own illnesses on our own and trying not to involve the other family members.  I think this is totally strange. I see so many families that are so close, that the brothers are best friends and are there for each other.  My family is nothing like that.

Maybe it is because of the difference in our ages. I am 7 years older than my brother and that is quite a bit of distance. He had to follow in my footsteps go to the same high school I went to and deal with the same teachers I had, who all probably remembered me.  Maybe there was too much comparison between the two of us as he was going to school and he felt like he was treated differently because I was so much older than  him.  Again, I cannot tell you the answer because no one has told me how they have felt.  Now back in June my father and I did have a heated discussion where he frankly told me that I have made his life miserable for the last 50 years and that I was making his death that much worse than it could be.  We have made up since then but the words still haunt me to this day.

No, I wasn't the perfect child and I missed some very important life lessons along the way, and I am don't know how to correct that which I have never picked up or learned.  I can tell you that I care deeply about people and I am a nurturer and that I try to take care of everyone around me.  Most people including my parents are not like that.  I may be stuck in a codependency issue at this point, because I feel like I need to take care of everyone and everything around me. Yet, many times I end up losing control of the situation and get myself hurt.

I struggle with these issues as well as self-esteem issues and self-worth issues as well and none of my immediate family seem to suffer from any of these problems.  Some of these feelings I can attribute to my early age of having cancer and the scars and surgeries that needed to be done to correct the issues that I had.  Some of these surgeries have left physical scars and permanent damage to my body that can never be reversed and at the age of 24 dealing with these life changing events can be traumatic. Not to mention that I suffer from severe depression and anxiety and in 2014 was diagnosed with PTSD. 

I am actively seeking help through VA counseling and seeking psychiatric help as well.  Nothing that my parents, military or friends taught me helped me deal with my body, illness and disability.  I have had to learn to adapt and cope with this on my own.  Luckily, I have made some very good friends along the way and have created a pretty manageable support network through them.  I also am a writer and I use writing as a sort of coping mechanism that helps me deal with the issues that I am facing. There used to be a time when I wrote every day, but I haven't had that luxury in several years, though I am trying to get back in the swing of it. Because believe it or not it really does help me calm myself and focus on the things that are relevant and important to me at the moment.  Writing not only allows me to express myself in words, it is an outlet where I can channel my frustrations and ask myself questions like I am doing tonight when talking about my personal family.

My writing is personal and based on my own life and experiences, it is an outlet and a medium where I can put my thoughts, ideas, poems, and prose into action to help others who may be facing or going through something similar to what I am going through at the moment.  Not everyone can benefit from what I write, but I am read by over a million readers a day and I have followers in 40 countries and that is something to be proud of. My words are reaching people across the world and who knows who might be benefitting from my experiences.

Every day I remind myself that I have no idea who might be watching me, who might be learning from me by seeing how I function on a daily basis, nor do I know who is reading and hearing my words.  That a simple casual conversation can lead you to an unexpected place.  Fate, Destiny and Karma bring us to the place that we need to be at exactly the right moment that we need to be there.  Plus God promises us that if we keep the Faith that he will not give us more than we can bear, for just as long as we can stand and will be with us through it all.  He will carry us when we falter and lift us up when we fall. 

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Change

Though change is inevitable people do change slowly over time. I always thought that people basically remaining the same. But, I have since learned that it is the people around you who see you acting out of your normal character that try to hold you to the pattern that they are accustom to seeing.

What I have learned is that no matter how much I strive to change my attitude and actions people continue to see me not as to who and I what I am working towards but as the person that they think that I am. While I am striving to make positive strides in my daily life. People want to judge and recall the person you were instead of who you are trying to become.

My life over the last few years has been a constant game of giving up and self-destructive behavior. Most of the time I would wreck havoc in my daily life that it seemed inevitable that I was going to die.  Unfortunately for me God had other plans for me and my self-destructive tendencies amounted to absolutely nothing.  The worse my daily life became and no matter how much my health suffered the stronger my body became and I seemed to bounce back.  No matter how many times I ended up in the hospital and how close to death I came, my health would soon rebound and I would be back to ways.

However, several months ago I came to the realization that I needed to change. That there was no fulfillment in the desire to die. Because no matter what I did or didn't do it wasn't my time. I have watched over the years other people pass on before me. People who might not have wanted to go. See, I felt that in some way I was being punished or made to go through all of these illnesses because I deserved nothing, amounted to nothing. But I was wrong.

As in so many things in my life I based my understanding and decisions on faulty logic. See the reason why I was going through these illnesses was to give me the strength to face the next situation that was to come my way. I finally believe that God has been training and preparing me to help others that are facing or about to face a situation that I have already gone through.

I have tried unsuccessfully to help others and offer assistance when and where I could. But, what I have finally come to the conclusion that I can't even help myself so how can I possibly help others. I lost my home and have been on the street for almost two months straight.  So I have started focusing back on my blog. I can reach more people through my writing than I can through one on one contact.

This weekend is about to begin and this is a weekend where I must sit down and honestly look at my life in close detail and brutal honesty because the decision that I come to this weekend is going to have a direct impact on my future and those that are close to me.  I am going to have to weigh in great detail my living situation and decide what is right and best for me.

For years people have been telling me that it is okay to be selfish and it is time for me to put myself first. I believe that the decision has been made for me I just need to go with it and move on. But, as Monday approaches I will fill you in on my thought process and the decision that I finally reach.

As always you are in my hopes and dreams.

Uncle B

Hard times

It's funny how things come and go through our lives and how many of those things we take for granted. Recently, I lost my freedom for a short time due to a decision I made despite knowing that my actions were wrong and illegal.  My decision to help someone else ended up having long reaching effects on my life that I am still feeling today.  It is sad that a simple choice has led to such long reaching  effects on my life and those around me.

I'm here to tell you that if you have second thoughts about doing something,  listen to yourself and don't do it. Because you may not even see all of the consequences your actions might result in.  I could not have known that cashing a check for a friend would pull me in to an investigation of a buglary, robbery, a forgery, as well as grand theft. Which eventually led me to going to jail for 60 days. But, that was just the beginning of the consequences of that one action, there were other unforseen consequences that resulted from that one event. Consequences and fallout that I am still dealing with today. Now to give you an idea of how long I have been dealing with this action. I cashed the check for my friend back in January of 2017 and here we are heading into November and I think that I can honestly say that I will still be dealing with the fallout way into January of 2018 unless by some miracle my situation changes or I end up taking my friends offer and moving away from here in order to save money.

Once I was arrested my landlord's nephew decided to empty out the house that I had rented, threw away all of my belongings and personal stuff that I had in the house. Now, here I am 2 1/2 months later literally homeless and virtually on the street. After being illegally evicted from the house, and being locked up in jail. I get out at the end of August with nowhere to go, no medical supplies and absolutely no medication. I could not have known that a hurricane was going to hit Florida and that my being without my medication that many days was going to land me in the hospital for 14 days in intensive care. Nor did I know that social security was going to stop my check. All of these things are a direct result of my decision to cash that one check which I didn't even get any cash from.

I literally had to go through the month of September and three weeks of October before I could get social security to issue me a check. But, not only not having any money or a place to stay was the end of the fallout that one event was to cause. Still trying to be true to my ideals and beliefs I still tried to help out another person who was struggling just as much as I was.  The result of that led to me getting robbed and losing everything that I had with me when I went to jail and the few things I was able to acquire with my father's help when I got out of jail.  When I got robbed my debit card was taken by the person who robbed me and now the credit union will not issue me a new debit card because you are only allowed 7 in a lifetime.  This just further complicates things for me going forward, because my social security check is direct deposited into that account monthly and in order for me to get that money out of the bank I literally have to go into the branch and physically withdrawal the funds from a teller.  Can you see what I mean when I talk to you about the far-reaching effects that one action had on my life? Can you also see how even now I am still dealing with the fallout from that single event?

I can't say that everything has turned out for the bad, like getting out of that house on Spruce and North Street. That living situation was bad and I could see absolutely no way of getting out of it. So that in itself may yet turn out to be a blessing, because had I not been arrested who is to say that I would not still be stuck in that living situation and that something worse could have happened to me. Because, with all the traffic going through that house and all the attention the police were beginning to show in it, I could be in prison or dead at this point.

Just keep in mind that sometimes our actions can have far ranging effects that we might not be able to see at the time we are doing it. Look at how 10 months later I am still feeling and dealing with the aftermath of cashing that one check.  Some of the consequences I knew were coming but being on the street for months and dealing with my health and how hard it is to get my feet back underneath me were things I never thought of.  Luckily, I have a very good friend who has reached out to me and told me that I can come and stay with him save up some money to rebuild everything that I have lost.

Because the weather has gotten cooler and I am currently in an extended stay hotel room that isn't too terribly bad I haven't rushed in to accepting my friends offer. I have no warm clothes, including no long pants or jeans.  So I am wondering how I could move to North Florida without at least some of the things that I am lacking right now.

After going through all of this, I am more cautious about making decisions and I try to see how many of the far reaching effects my decisions will have on myself and those around me that are affected by any decision I may make. So when you start second guessing yourself and you feel in your heart that you should avoid doing. It may be your subconscious is trying to warn you of trouble that you have yet to identify might be looming just beyond sight.

Hard times can come out of nowhere with very little warning, but they could also come as the direct result of an action you committed or even the fallout that you couldn't have seen from doing that action. You just need to keep your head up and keep going things will get better. You may have to work hard to get back on your feet but once you do you will have a greater appreciation for everything you have worked hard to rebuild and a broader understanding of the cause and effect each of your actions have on yourself and those around you.

As always you are in my thoughts and prayers,

Uncle B

No where to run no where to hide

Recently I went to Gainesville FL to have surgery and when I came back I found that my landlord rented out the garden shed in my back yard to a pretty big drug dealer and his friends.

Over the next month or so those individuals migrated into my life and literally took over my house. Pretty much making it a trap house. So many times I felt like I was a prisoner in my own home. Felt like I needed to run and get away. But here is the thing I had no where to run to nor did I anywhere to go.

At one point it got so bad that I had people in my house 24 hours a day and most of them I didn't even know. I spoke to the landlord several times expecting help and there was no real response. Until one day just recently he got a letter in the mail saying that my place was about to be raided. At that point he began to try and clean up the back yard and get rid of some of the people out there.

I have been given strict orders that there is not supposed to be anyone other than me and my partner here​in the house though he did say that my family could come and visit, but even that seems to be stretching it. I got home from the hospital yesterday afternoon and the landlord and her son we're here, they had planned on evicting me and giving me 30 days notice. I am not happy about that, but I convinced them that I would make sure that the traffic ends. Right now I seem to be in a no win situation. I am being watched from every corner, and I feel like now my life is being dictated and as far as everything goes I pay my rent on time. I don't have loud music playing and disturbing other's. Shouldn't I be allowed to have any number of guests and visitors I want. My rent is always on time without any problems. Yet now I am being told that none of that matters, the traffic through my place is now enough to evict me.  As a matter of fact, just this past Friday when I got home from the hospital my landlord had tried to force his mom into finalizing my eviction.  Had this actually taken place this would have been the third place that my partner and I have lived but it certainly will be the shortest place we have lived.

It seems like i am in a no win situation and maybe it is true. People in and out of the shed, traffic in and out of my yard. But as luck would have it. Just during the past week, I was feeling under the weather and went to bed several nights early. Iguess it was Wednesday or Thursday, the police kicked in the door of the shed and started searching for the young man who had rented it. apparently they had been watching the traffic that had been coming and going from the shed as well. The long and the short of it is that I may have felt like there was no way out nor was there anyway to escape my fate the truth of the matter is that maybe everyone of us was in a no win situation. Since that night when the police had stormed into the garden shed we have cleaned up the traffic in and out of my house. We eliminated some of the key factors which were making my place so attractive for people to congregate over here. The amount of visitors we allow now is limited to a hand picked few. In part this was to cut down on traffic, but it was also done to eliminate stuff from being stolen. The chief among the items stolen was my brand new cell phone. I just bought it only bought it on June the 3rd and on June the 14th it vanished from my side while i slept own bed.

What gets me about the whole situation is that no one saw or heard anything. My super large screen phone was able to pass right from my sleeping bedside right out the door with no one knowing anything. I am discouraged by the lack of attention my so called friends paid towards me or my things. It is so unfortunate that one or two people caused so many others to miss out on the benefit of hanging out just because they couldnt resist stealing from me.  Another thing that I have noticed hapoening is that a lot of my stuff is being thrown away and isnt cleaned or taken care of like it should be. This is showing me that people around me have no respect for me or my personal belongings and that too is something that maskes me pause and wonder exactly what people are thinking when they come atound me and my house. Because true friends do not dishonor friends like that at all. All of these things have made me question whether or not Ifeel that it is worth my time and effort to stay here on North Street any longer. No one seems to be getting the message that i am putting out.

So no matter what you are going through or what is happening around you. when all hope seems to be lost and you see no where to turn, nowhere to hide and cant find anywhere to run. Know that everything in this life is temporary and that in just a few moments they will pass and be gone forever. That no matter what it is, it cannot and will not last forever. That there are options heading your way that you havent even seen yet, and that all you have to do is endure for just a little longer and it too shall pass.

As always you are in my thoughts and prayers,

Uncle B

When is enough enough?

Sometimes in life you have to weigh whether each situation warrants our continuance or our separation.  Each situation has to be weighed carefully so that we don't hurt ourselves or others.  Many times we enter into agreements or arrangements without thought to the future. You must be true to yourself and honest as well in order to know the appropriate time on which to make our exit. 

Knowing when to fold your hand and throw in, is just as important as understanding the odds of the cards stacked against you. Yes you have made a promise or an agreement, but if all facts were not known at the time of making such agreement can you be truly blamed for ​changing your mind. Though it is never pleasant backing out of an agreement or arrangement it sometimes becomes necessary when your health, wealth and stability are threatened.

Always gather as much knowledge as you can before entering into such arrangements and be sure to keep your​options open for as long as you can. It is easier to change your mind before agreeing than afterwards. Because there are always consequences for terminating an agreement ahead of the prescribed time. Always be wary and aware.

As always Live well, Love much and Laugh often.

Uncle B

It all comes down to timing

I know that you have heard the old saying "timing is everything", and I would have to agree. See no matter what decision you make or path that you take is governed by timing. Let's look at it a little more closely and I think you might begin to see what I am talking about and where I am coming from.

For example you choose to start a new business venture, three months after you started your new enterprise the county decided that the road in front of your business needs to be torn up and redone. Had you wait just 6 months longer to open up this construction wouldn't have disturbed your business in the slightest and might have already been completed. Yet, you didn't wait and getting to your place becomes a nightmare and business drops to almost zero. Now, if you can afford a setback like that the timing of your opening may not have caused any concerns. But, if you are like most of us these delays could bankrupt your business.

Another example could be of being at the right place at just the right time. In this scenario your timing was on point and you benefitted from it. However, the inverse could also invariably be true as well in the wrong place at the wrong time and inevitably you end up in a non beneficial situation or worse. You could end up finding yourself much worse off then you might have otherwise been.

Timing has relative meaning to each one of us. The perfect time for you might be an adverse time for someone else. Each decision that you find yourself faced with you have to weigh not only the potential gains but the losses as well. There isn't a standard that you can use for every decision, each must be weighed carefully by the pros and cons that you can see visibly, and gains and losses that could be received if conditions and timing are right. This is what loss mitigation is all about.

But, as most of are far from perfect and we tend to suffer from impatience, we end up rushing our decision making process without really assessing the risks involved and therefore end up choosing the wrong timing altogether. I recommend wholeheartedly to look at every decision from every angle you can possibly think of, do a full risk assessment and make as educated decision as possible. Your timing might not be perfect, but it probably could have been a lot worse if you didn't take the time to weigh out everything as thoroughly as possible.

Remember that there is no such thing as the perfect moment, that you have to take time and create each moment as they come to you and make them as perfect and memorable as you can. Weigh every single option you are presented with for each and every decision to figure out the optimal timing for everything.

Trust me no one gets it right every single time. However, by taking the time and researching every angle you might find yourself in a pretty good situation most of the time. Honestly friends timing is everything, and can mean the most towards your happiness.  It is never to late to start assessing your life, situation and decisions. I think once you do you will find that you have more control and flexibility towards the outcomes that come your way.

Sit back and reflect on this I think if you put your mind too it you can see where I am coming from.

Until we meet again Live well, Love much and Laugh often.

Uncle B

Uncontrolled Fear

For the past 2 weeks I have been facing a fear that has become uncontrollable the longer that I have been dealing with my medical situation.  If you are familiar with my blog you will have undoubtedly read that I was told that I have a tumor growing rapidly in my right kidney.  Even worse than that the lab results that were taken this past Thursday show that my kidney functions are steadily on the decline.  This coupled with the fact that I have several other terminal illnesses that my body is also dealing with.  This has not left me with a comfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I am not sure what the right course of action is at this moment in time is for me and the treatments that the doctors are suggesting.

What is funny is that I am not afraid for myself.  I am afraid for the ones that might be left alone if I were to die.  Now that I have broached the subject of death, I might as well elaborate on what I am talking about and dealing with.  See I have known for a little while that I had the tumor, what I didn't know was the possibility of it being cancerous.  That pushed it into a realm of unworldliness for me.  I have faced cancer 4 other times in my life and I have managed to get by and survive.  Sometimes in tact and other times not so unscathed by the tragedy.  The last round was back in 2012 and I ended up with a second stoma that I now have to take care of daily, as if one wasn't enough already right.   But through it all I managed to survive only to break my leg a few weeks later.  I am a person who just doesn't have good luck at all  when it comes to my body and my health. 

Since 1992, I have been in a struggle for life versus cancer.  Each time I go into the battle weighing my options.  Most cases the quality of life is the most important factor I look at.  Because there are a few things that I fear such as living as a vegetable or being confined to a wheelchair or having another stroke that limits my mobility further than the spinal fractures have already produced.  My life has not been a paved road with roses, I have had more surgeries and procedures than most people have in an entire lifetime.  At the age of 23 I had my first bout with Cancer and here we are 24 years later and I am still dealing with it.  Sometimes the reason for the tumor has been because of radiation disease, however the treatment options have always been the same.  Surgery and then preventative chemotherapy.  What most people don't know is that each time you have chemotherapy the less likely the treatment will work for you.  Just like everytime you have an operation and go under anesthesia it is harder and harder to come back.  With both of these things being said having close to 29 abdominal surgeries and countless other biopsies, colonoscopies, and other treatments, how hard do you think this surgery is going to be for me?

I am a big proponent of hoping for the best and planning for the worst, because I know how much my body has been through over the years.  Which means I have every right to feel afraid.  Because time is very short on my end, I am trying to get everything wrapped up that I possibly can so that if a complication comes up there is a plan of action.  Now I am not saying that something is definitely crop up, but as my medical track record goes out of every 5 surgeries a complication had arose and I had to stay in the hospital way longer than was expected.  So at this point I have weighed this in my analysis of what is best way to proceed when dealing with the surgery and the doctor recommendations.  But here is another fun fact that goes into my equation.  I believe in the power of pray and I know that God is the ultimate healer and that if it is His will I will be completely healed from this an there will be no decline in my comfort of living.

Fear is one of the hardest emotions to pin down and overcome.  Fear is a force that needs to be reconned with.  It is an emotion that can hold you in place, and keep you from moving forward and taking the chance or surgery that is needed.  Fear is something that each of has from time to time.  Having fear doesn't mean that you are weak or that you are a chicken.  Fear is a normal reaction to scary situations and exploring unknown things.  Yet what makes one brave is confronting and dealing with the fear you are feeling.  You can also keep fear in check and use it to garner strength, the same with anger.  Anger is an emotion that can creep in at the most unexpected time, such as when you are frightened or scared.  It is triggered by the feeling of helplessness in that situation, but you must remain calm, know in your heart that this is only a momentary thing, that it will pass and you will not have to deal with it again.  Each time you conquer a fear you will be so much stronger and it will become easier to face the next fear that comes up,

Fear is something that can be beaten, you can gather greater strength and knowledge the more you face and control.  You may be wondering what my decision is about my surgery.  Since I have been worrying about this so much I decided that the best option for me was to have the surgery and face the outcome.  I doubt that my quality of life will improve, but I don't see how it could possibly diminish either by having it.  i have weighed both sides of the coin from the result of all the test that have come back.  My kidney function isn't improving and the medication that I take is building up a toxicity in my blood stream that the kidney can no longer filter out for me.  So at this point it seems that the best option for me to pursue is the one of having the tumor removed and sending off to see if it is malignant or benign.  Like I said earlier in the blog is that I am not afraid of dying and that is true.  I have a fear for those that I have left behind, for those people that I have been trying to help and all of those that I have helped and those that depend on my opinion and me.  But I know in the long run that everyone will be fine.  I just hope and pray that they remember me and do for someone else what I have done for them.

2016 was supposed to be a spectacular year with low or no incidences of health issues.  Lord knows that I would have love that, because in 2015 I only spent 4 days in the hospital versus the year before when I spend almost 10 full months in the hospital.  Life seemed to be getting better for me if you compare 2013 to now.  This time things feel different too me and I fear that I am going to have to face this surgery all by myself.  Long time readers will know that my biggest fear is dying alone and forgotten.  I have done so many things in my life for others that I believe that it will be very hard for anyone who has met me to forget me totally.  But the alone part is the hard thing that I am wrestling with now.  Because I am not sure what the outcome of this surgery is going to be, or where for that matter.  My VA doctors are wanting me to go to Tampa to the VA hospital there,  keep in mind that I live in Daytona Beach which is close to 3 hours away.  I do have an alternative plan when the Urologist here in Daytona could operate on me and bill the VA or medicare which ever one decides to pay. 

Weighing the pros and cons of a situation is one of my ways of dealing with problem situations and which ever column comes out with the list amount of entries is usually the way that I go.  But I also try to analyze the consequences of the choice that I have made.  If the cost and risk outweighs the benefit and least amount of consequence I move in that direction.  Each individual decision has a certain amount of risk involved and it is up to you to weigh the risks against the rewards and make a choice.  You can also try and mitigate some of the risks to make the rewards that much better.  I don't know what you are going through or if this might help someone else out there that might be going through something similar, but I hope that I can reach at least one person that might need the advice. 

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

what is it too you?

I have been told that I should not share my life with you.  That I should edit what I put online, but here is the simple truth.  I am an open book, I have nothing to fear or hide. I want the world to know me. I have been through so much that I feel that I must share it with you.  I have been writing in this blog since 2012 and I have used my life as examples throughout.  I have found that people respond to what I have been through and can use my experiences to enrich their own life and walk their own journey.  It is my desire that one person find comfort, solace, help or even companionship in my writing.  I don't understand why some people want to limit what I have to say.  I guess it is because I tend to shed light on things that they wish to keep hidden.  But, see I write whatever I feel is needed at the time it is needed.  

You don't know how many times I receive emails telling me that my words or adventure has hit home for them, that they have found comfort in my words, or have found a way around a specific problem just because whatever I had written spoke directly too them.  Now, for the record I must confess that when I sit down to write, it isn't always my words that I find on the page or on the screen.  What do I mean by that, well sometimes I don't even remember writing what I am reading off the screen.  It is as if someone else had written the words, and I was just the person who sat down and typed them out.

Now if you follow my Facebook page, you will find that what I am about to talk to you about is something that I found out from my doctors yesterday.  One of the many reasons I write to you and tell you what is going on in my life, is because I don't have that many friends here in Daytona, and I pretty much have no one to talk to about what is happening in my life and what I am going through.  Most of the time when I sit down to write it is to purge my system and just get it out.  Once I start to let everything out on the screen I start to feel better about myself and everything else just seems to fall into place.  I don't know if you can follow what I am trying to say, so I will break it down just a little farther.  See because I really don't have anyone to talk to about my problems, issues, and adventures, I have found that writing them out and talking to you my readers is just like having a close personal friend that I can talk to.  You would be surprised at how many times, I have found the answer I was seeking while I was sitting down writing to you all.  

Some of you know me really well, others maybe not.  Those that know me will tell you that I am a very social person. I hate to be alone, and I love to talk to others, and if I don't have that outlet I start to go crazy.  So without having someone here in Daytona that I can really talk to about everything that is happening in my life I turn to my blog and put it all out there.  Once I do that I start feeling better, it is like a great big weight has been lifted off of my shoulders, and I can finally go on.  This is very important too me, because for so many years I kept everything bottled up inside of me, and when I did let those feelings out it was like a volcanic eruption and it was usually at the wrong person.  So instead of doing that anymore, I have learned that I can purge my feelings and soul by writing out what I am going through and it is just like having a friend close by that I can talk to.

Now with that being said, I want to go a little bit more in depth about what the doctors told me yesterday and why it has me so scared and upset.  But before I do, let me tell you that I have tried to reach out to others, left text messages and called and never got a response so it is time for me to let it all out and maybe someone who reads this will pick up the phone, or drop me a line and of course a dialog will begin and I may feel even better about my situation.  

Yesterday, I went to Orlando to see my infectious disease doctor, and of course the news was not exactly what I wanted to hear.  Now just for the record, no doctor ever tells me something that I want to hear, it is always this negative stuff, and too me it seems like they have given up on me and have already written me off as dead.  But, let me tell you if that is what they are thinking they are in for a rude surprise when I am still here years after they thought I would be gone.  So here we go, a purge is about to begin, so if you don't want to hear what is going on in my life at the moment then I encourage you to leave right now. Stop reading what I am writing and log off of my blog, because I am about to tell you everything the doctors told me yesterday, and why I am so scared of what I have found out.

See most of you know that over the summer and fall I was attacked by a vicious bacterial infection called osteomilitis.  This is a bacterial infection that attacks bones and bone marrow.  It can attack the human body anywhere there is bone. I spent 4 months in a nursing home and 2 months in the hospital.  Very painful, and not any fun at all.  Anyway, I have digressed a little bit, I want to tell you the exact words from my ID physician.  He told me that the MRI that I had done on February 4th showed advanced progression of the bacterial infection and that I would have to go back into a skilled nursing facility to closely monitor the antibiotics that I would have to take.  I was also told that the time that I spent in intensive care back in February had caused some serious complications with my kidneys as well as my liver an it looked like I would have to go through Hep C treatments all over again.  Which is a big concern for myself, because exactly a year ago, I had an aneurysm due to the fact that the Hep C treatment had weakened the vein to my liver and it ruptured on me and I almost bled to death.

So, as you can tell I have some things on my plate that have made me a bit nervous.  But, let me tell you something else that I have become acutely aware of is that by the grace of God and all the many people that are out there praying for me I have been healed and I am closer today in my walk with God then I have ever been before, and I will let nothing and no one weaken that bond that I have finally developed.  I can also tell you that when I thought things were the darkest and I felt like I was going to have to face all of this on my own, my phone rang, and I heard a voice from my past.  It was my best friend, and someone that I love with all my heart.  He told me that he was in trouble and that he was here in Florida and he need my help. I got to speak to him once again tonight and because of our conversation I feel stronger and more sure of myself.  I know that I can do this. I can face this demon head on and with the Might of Jesus and the support of my friends and family I am going to survive this.

Just the other night a really close friend of mine told me that he saw God within me and knew that I had a ministry and a mission to fulfill and because of that he knew that I was not going anywhere and that I would beat this malady that has afflicted my body.  I know that at times, with the pain, and anguish that I face my faith sometimes falters, but only for  a minute. I don't let nothing and no one hold me down and make me sad for long.  I stay positive and focused and that is the way that God meant for us to tackle our problems.  Remember that God helps those that help themselves, and if we let our light shine for Jesus we will never be forsaken or forgotten.  

I have catered to people all my life, I have tried extremely hard to please everyone, I have also tried to rescue every lost soul that I could find and sometimes to the point of hurting myself.  I have to tell you that over the past year I have learned that I cannot be like that anymore. I have to do for myself. I have to stand on my own, and I have to fight, because as I found out the hard way, when things get tough around you, you will be standing there and fighting all alone. No one is going to defend you or have your back unless you are very lucky to find your soul-mate.  Just the other day I told you guys that I thought that I had given up on love, but here I was putting my heart back out there and I am willing to try again.  There has got to be someone out there for me. Someone that wants and needs me as much as I need them.  I will remain strong in my faith and I know that Jesus is going to deliver me through these times of trial and I will be victorious and I will not have to face this all by myself that He has someone out there for me that is willing to stand by my side and will keep me fighting and keep  my head up and my confidence high.  I know this as sure as I am sitting here talking to you.

God will not forsake me in my hour of need, He will not leave me hanging and defenseless.  He is not that kind of God and the closer I walk with Him the more of His divine plan I see, and I know that there is someone just around the corner, just out of sight and reach at this particular moment, but the time is moving faster now and I know that before I wait too much longer the person he has for me will be here and I will not be alone anymore.  I have no more doubts, and my fears are laid to the side because as I approach this new year I feel and sense that change is in the air for me and those around me.  Life is precious and it is a great gift that God has bestowed upon us and we must maintain it and claim it in His name.

Like I said earlier I have done for others to the exclusion of myself and I will not and cannot do it anymore.  So for those of you who are my detractors, those haters that have something against me, or want something from me that I am not ready or willing to give, trust me when I tell you to shove off and move on there is nothing here for you anymore.  See my life has become more intense and I have a network of friends now that are supportive and will stand with me as I face the coming days.  So what is it too you what I write about?  What I disclose on Facebook or in my blog?  You have no claim on me, you can't tell me what to do. If I am hurting you in some way, I am sorry but I have got to be the person God made me and wants me to be.  I am a book that needs to be read, there are strong and powerful lessons to be learned from me and my example, and because I won't listen to you, you want to tell me to stop putting my life out on social media. well screw you! Who do you think you are?  You certainly don't think that I am going to stop just because you said I needed to, do you?  

If you can't abide by my decisions, and you don't like how I put myself out there, then I guess if you don't want your business told on your interactions with me  you need to move on.  Because there is nothing hidden in my life, and if you want your participation hidden then I suggest you don't participate with me, because I  am telling you anything that happens in my life is going to be shared with my readers.  This is what they are here for. They want to learn from my mistakes and they like the way I write, therefore I am sorry, I am not going to change for you!

All my life I have dealt with people like you wanting to control me for your own gain, to use me and what I can do for you.  But honey it is too late and I have been about used up.  I am moving on so should you.  I haven't got anything left for you. There are always going to be haters out there and they will always try to pull you down, they can't stand to see you happy or you succeeding but too bad I am not up for grabs, I have my eye set on a prize and I think I am going to claim it and make it mine finally. Personally I have waited a long time for a specific person and if they still aren't ready now, I am willing to wait some more.  

I hope you can understand what I am saying, where I am coming from and the direction I am heading there is no room this time for others to hang on and drag at me. I am free, and I am going to fly, and when I do, I am going to do it with or without your support.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

To Be A Better Man

You aren't sure of what you want to do! Or where you want to go! Your mind is constantly changing and your thoughts keep jumping.  How can you sum up yourself when you are still growing, learning and experiencing things?  Indecision is a constant in your life.  Making up your mind is not yet an option, there is still too much to find.  Life is an adventure that can take you from one coast to the other, it can shower you with money or drag you through the gutter.  Every choice is fraught with peril and questions, which way to go? Which way to turn?  You have been high and you have been low, you have been successful and you have been without.  Your life is full of experiences yet you still can't figure out what you want to know.  You have met many people, made some your friends, but in the end it was you and you alone.  You have known love and loss, and still are searching again. Take heart my friend this the beginning not an end.

This is but a way point on a journey without end.  You have more to go, and even more to endure. Life is going to teach you things you never even knew you didn't know.  Everyday you will pick up more that you didn't understand, and learn something about yourself and your fellow man.  There will be challenges, and hurtles you must overcome, but have faith my friend this is a beginning and not an end.   No one is perfect and life is not easily had, you have to fight and scratch just to get ahead.  Everything you learn you'll need it soon enough, because this journey sure can get tough.

Keep your fears in check they will hold you back, step out in faith my friend you sure will be glad you had.  Nothing comes from nothing, nothing ever can, but everything you gain you'll learn and cherish most in hand. Be wary and be careful there are those along your way that would love to see you fall and those that will take what you have.  No one said this was easy, but it sure is grand.  Excitement, adventure and drama certainly close at hand. You'll have no want for entertainment, just look around and laugh, because there are clowns around to kick you in the ass.  If your searching for happiness it surely won't be found, because you looking on the outside and that's not where it is bound.  Deep within your soul it is hiding for you to find, you have to find contentment and happiness inside.

Cherish the joy and laughter, it will keep give you ground.  Find the good in things and see what God has made. Look out with the eyes of a child and see the world of wonder, it is that spark of life you see that God is hiding under.  He is in everything the sky, the sea and thunder.  He has made this world for us to explore and wonder why?  It is our lot in life to learn and grow and mature.  If you aren't then you aren't living at all. There is good in everything you just got to learn how to see it.  Don't be afraid to let your awe and wonder at life be hidden.  Reach out and seek what you have been given.

There is so much you still need to do and understand, before you can take a stand, so learn it while you can. I hope you understand, that this is your test to make you a woman or a man. There is nothing that can't be had or given as long as you stay driven.  It is when you give in and start to dwell on the pain and fear you know so well that you start to fall.  Keep your eyes upon the goals you have set and mind the journey for it's where you will learn.  The path is ever winding, it seems to never end. Where you stop really doesn't matter it is how you got there that means the most. But most of all I want you to remember that you are human and just a man.

We all have flaws that is for sure.   We are who we are, and what we will become, treat everyone with kindness, love and compassion, grant them the respect and trust of a friend.  You will find that they will help you in the end.  God gave you a heart which has the greatest capacity for love, look for the good in people and you know what you will find? God my friend, He is in each and every human.  The world doesn't expect you to know or even understand, but what I know is that if you love, and love hard it shall be returned.  Honesty and truth will guide your way, your heart will open eyes and doors for you.  There will be those that laugh and chide you, but it is the light they see inside of you that they fear.  For you are never alone in this great big adventure God is with you, inside and out of you.

We each seek perfection, but it too we shall never find, because to be perfect would be to be Divine.  Our lessons that we are taught, and the road that we travel bring us ever closer toward a greater understanding of who and what we are, but it is through Grace that God opens our eyes to the hidden world that underlies all else. This is enlightenment my dearest friend, and once you have seen the way, your eyes never will see the same things in the same way.  The truth is revealed as if from a shadow, and what was once thought to be real will now be known to be false.  Our world is a world of illusion, we live in the darkness trying to comprehend, God is the light that shows us what is true and right.  Once your sight has been restored and you see what is real, how can you go back to living in the darkness? You can't so further and onward you go. My suggestion is to strive for perfection one day at a time and you will find that anything is truly possible in this world.

Love your fellow man, honor them and treat them with respect, judge not what they do, live what you say, and prove yourself to be true.  Treat everyone you meet with kindness, compassion and love, this is the way that will make the world a better place.  Acceptance and tolerance should be your watch words, they should be the actions you follow.  Choose to lead by example, don't shout or proclaim, for those who have eyes will see the difference you have made.  Lead from the side, don't try to be a Master, because it won't help you reach Heaven any faster.  Cherish one another, enjoy the time you have. Seek out the beauty and majesty in the world around you.  Take time to explore that which you do not know, try to seek out that which you don't understand.  Learn what you are afraid of, make those fears go away. Be about your passion, and the money will follow, don't get mired down and stuck in something that you don't know or love. Do these things and be a better man.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Life rarely turns out as planned or expected, but it is what you make of it.

When you are young, you think nothing is impossible, you are filled with hope and dreams, fueled with drive and ambition.  College may have just been completed or may even be an adventure yet to conqueror.  Now, I am not saying dreams, goals, hopes or ambitions are bad.  What I want to prepare you for is the inevitability that is called life.  See, when we are young and relatively inexperienced with the challenges and roadblocks that life throws in our path as we embark on our journey, we tend to make plans and goals for the future that we just never get too.

The reason for this is because of many different factors.  Some of which include stumbling blocks life throws us, and unexpected complications in work, school and maturing over time.  As we get older and mature we don't always re-evaluate our priorities or goals that we have made in our younger years. When we fail to do that we tend to wake up one morning and wonder why we aren't exactly where we thought we would be and are disappointed in the progress we have made.  At times like this we start to second guess ourselves and the choices we have made as we moved forward on life's road.

Recently, I sat down and had a reckoning with myself.  I wondered how I had gotten to the place I found myself at.  See I had planned on a whole different life from the one I have. You will be surprised at what I had found out.  It wasn't necessarily because my feet weren't on the right path, nor haven't I made the right decisions.  There were other factors, that I couldn't have ever foreseen in my life's plans or goals.  Everybody has different ideas of where they are going to be and what they want to do when they are in high school.  Those thoughts might might change a little bit while they are going to college. But it seems that later in life each and everyone of us looks back at our lives and we wonder why we haven't made it to where we thought we would be.

As I was saying a bit earlier this year I decided to look back at y life and I was surprised at where I was at and honestly I found myself disappointed with the progress I had made.  Keep in mind I was looking at current life versus expected ideals, and never took into account the journey it took me to get here.  Once I factored in that I was still not happy at all with my progress, but satisfied with my achievements.  See I looked at where I was currently at that exact moment in time, and not the whole journey.  Which I will try to explain more about a little bit later.  As I looked back at myself and on my life I only took into account at where I was at, at the present moment. Who would have thought that at 44 years of age I would be at home with my parents, with no place of my own, and no car and living on social security?  When you look at it from that perspective it doesn't sound good at all and is rather depressing if you ask me.  Which as you can imagine did cause me a few days of grief.  However, I began to realize that as with all things in my life it is how we look at them.  The angle at which they are viewed and the perspective they are viewed from, that makes all the difference.

Nobody likes to look back at upon their life and wonder what they have done wrong and they start contemplating the what if's, and honestly you can't do that because you will be drowning yourself in depression, doubt and guilt.  If you are anything like me, you looked back and were surprised with where you find your found yourself.  See my problem was I didn't take into account where I had been and what I had accomplished.  I was just looking at where I was at now.  Forget taking into consideration everything I went through and what I had literally lived through. I never stopped to look at the health issues, relationship issues, and all the other factors that had gone into how I had gotten here.  I focused solely on the end result and let me tell you I wasn't happy!  Then it dawned on me to consider the journey I had been on and the adventure of life, the circumstances that had brought me to this place, and that is when I realized that the path I was on had brought me to the exact place at the exact moment I needed to be there.

There is no mistaking that I needed to be at my parents home when I got here. I wasn't even here a week and I ended up in the hospital.  Two weeks later I had to have emergency surgery and before I knew it I have been in and out of the hospital a lot over the past year.  In order to get the care and attention I needed I landed exactly when I could get it and I am thankful I made the decision to come back here to my parents. In retrospect when I look back at the journey I have made. I am proud of what I accomplished, the friends and acquaintances I have made, the lessons I have learned.  More than that I have come full circle in my life.  I came back to where I have started.  I am smarter, more educated, more mature and in a far greater position than I had been in when I had left.

Sometimes I ask myself, "Would you do anything differently if you had to do it all over again?"  The long and the short of it is this, if I changed anything would I still know what I know now?  Would I have met the same people?  Would I have had the same experiences?  No! I wouldn't have is the answer to all of those questions.  So, No I wouldn't change a thing.  The one thing I value most in my life are my friends and the friendships I have made.  If I were to loose even one of them I wouldn't be happy.  Another thing I look back and I see the accomplishments I have made.  I am the first in my family to get my Bachelors and Masters degree. I served my country and received a Navy Achievement Medal for my time in service.  I am a plank owner of the U.S.S. Wisconsin (BB-64).  I have helped hundreds of people in my life without wanting anything in return and I have completed everything I have ever wanted to do with my life. Do I regrets? Yes, I do, but not the kind you would think of.  There are some people who were in my life that I gave up on when I shouldn't have. Plus, there were my dark years. The years in which I found myself immersed in the world of drugs, sex and self-destructive behavior.  This is also the period where my actions were not always friendly, more on the destructive side.  These are my only regrets.

Here I am on the other side of that period and I look back in awe and wonder at the friends and relationships that were formed during that time of my life and I am amazed at how many of them have survived and are still with me today.  I am thankful for their support and friendship.  They have made everything I went through worthwhile!  If I look further back at my life I can be proud of the time I worked for the State of Georgia.  The skills I learned and the friendships that still survive today as well.  It is inspiring to know that three different Governors depended on me, asked my opinions and listened to my advice.  How even today five and a half years later my name is still well known.  Who knows had my health held up I might even still be working there today.  I was happy with that job and that life.  What came after was the hard part.

But, even after tell you all of this, I don't believe I would change anything that I have gone through nor any of the people I shared those experiences with.  Because it is through all of this and all of them that I have become the person that I am today.  See, I realized this year that I am the culmination of every choice and decision I have made.  I am the result of every experience and relationship I have had.  I have grown, adapted, changed and matured into a much different person. If I wouldn't have gone through those things, suffered the setbacks and health issues I wouldn't have made it to the point in my life where I am at.  Nor would I have the background and the experience that I live and share with you.  You may ask about the illnesses that I have faced in my life and without rehashing my whole story. I will just tell you this June marks the 20 year that I have been fighting cancer and leukemia.  In 2006 I was diagnosed with HIV and in 2012 I was diagnosed with Hepatitis C and Kidney/Renal disease.  Life has not been easy for me and yet through it all I try to remain positive and strong.

These illnesses were a necessary part of my development and have given me so much more insight into the human condition and life itself.  It has brought me that much closer to the Divine and God Himself.  It has taught me the meaning of faith and how to look past the frailties of life and look at the soul of a person.  It has prompted me to put my feet on the path of the philosophers journey and experience life from all aspects and points of reference.  So, I don't think I would even change those experiences if I had the opportunity. But, along with saying that I wouldn't wish any of these things on another person not even an enemy, which I am glad to say I don't have many of.  But lest I mislead you, I cannot say that I am altogether happy with the outcome of those illnesses.  I have the bag to contend with and the fears and phobias that go with that. Then there are the scars . The damage to my colon and the limited sexual things that I am now limited too.  Let me try to explain further about these things.  You can find more on them in the blog entry entitled "Inner Demon finally reveal....is there still hope..?"   The life of mine has not been a bed of roses. Cancer has eaten me up and yet, I am still here.  Since 2005 I have had to have 12 bowel resections, which means that I have lost several feet of large intestines. I have had a colostomy, ileostomy, another colostomy, and other ileostomy, and then finally they added a colostomy with the previous ileostomy, so currently today there are 2 stomas sticking out of my abdomen.  Then over the years I suffered from small bowel obstructions and had to have 8 sections of my small intestines removed, yet here I am!  Now add in renal and kidney failure with Hepatitis C and you are at where I am today.  I have the scars both physically and emotionally to prove it.  The scar tissue and adhesion's are so bad that on June 13, 2012 they attempted to reverse the colostomy that was put in on March the 5th and I died on the table 3 times before they called it quits, I had to have 5 blood transfusions and spent 19 days in intensive care.  I was told that they could never operate on me again or I would die. So at this point I have no further options when and if the cancer or radiation disease strikes again.  That was the other thing I forgot to mention in 2005 I found out that I was also suffering from long term radiation disease from the treatments that were used to save my life back in 92.

Now, most people would be depressed and buried under the weight of all of this, but I find it a challenge, and it has made me stronger, given me a broader outlook on life. It has also made me look at the world from a different perspective.  I see the positive, beauty and good in the world.  This I think has given me the energy that I need to continue to fight and live each day to the fullest.  What I want you to take away from this entry is this.  no matter what your plan and how hard you strive to get there to that ideal place in life. The world is going to throw you curve balls and obstacles in your way. Each and every one of us looks back on our lives and we are never happy with where we are at.  What I want you to do is look at the path and your journey that you have taken to get to where you are at.  Change your perspective so to speak and understand that it the journey and your path that is important, and you have arrived at exactly the right place at the right time where you need to be.  That by changing the way you view things you are going to see that how you got to your place is far more important, then the actual place itself.  It is the journey that makes everything worthwhile.  Cultivate the friendships and relationships you have made along the way. Take time to smell the roses, understand that life is short and that each and every moment that we have on the earth is as precious and important as anything else we could ever learn.  Remember life is not always what we want it to be but it is exactly what we make of it.  Appreciate the fine things in life, enjoy the culture the music, the exotic sounds and colors. Explore and learn all you can about everything around you.  Take the inner journey and find the answers to the questions that have been plaguing you.  As your perception changes, your outlook on things is going to change, and you are going to notice subtler things, and you will understand more of what life is actually all about.

Remember if things don't work out don't get frustrated, angry or upset.  Keep in mind that you are going to find that you are actually precisely when you need to be, that is just the way life works.  Think about it and you will see that I am right!

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Why are some of us travelers and others are builders? Even today we still have our nomads..read and see what I mean

Well for those of you who are avid readers of my blog you will note that September was an awful month for me with tons of set backs and of course the blog suffered for it greatly.  As many of you are aware I took an unexpected trip to Atlanta that didn't turn out at all as was planned or expected. However, I will say that a few decent things came out of the trip, some are note worthy and will be explored more in-depth here in the annals of blogdom.  However for today's entry I want to take you on the trip that I had to see the doctor this morning.  Because for some reason on these trips is when my brain seems to go into hyper-drive and I think of some of the most obscure and deep rooted thoughts.  Maybe it is the open road and my love to travel that opens my mind up to the inner and outer awareness and consciousness that I need to focus my mind and intellect into.

Whatever the reason, I took it into my head to explore my incessant need to move around to not plant roots of a lasting sort.  While it is true that in my younger years I was content to grow as Orlando grew, I soon realized that there was much more to the world than my little pond and I wanted to see it and explore it first hand.  I believe it is for that reason alone that I joined the Navy right after high school and was disappointed with the fact that I got assigned to a ship that was in dry dock and undergoing refit for active duty.  The last time my ship had seen any action was for a few years during the Korean War.  She had been mothballed shortly after WWII and was activated for a brief tour during the Korean War only to be put back away in the Naval shipyards once more.  It wasn't until President Reagan decided that we needed a 600 ship fleet to protect our country that the mothballs were put away and she was rolled back into active duty. I was fortunate to be a member of the precommissioning unit, and was made a plank owner of the U.S.S. Wisconsin (BB-64) the last of the Iowa class battleships.  Being a plank owner gives you certain rights and a piece of history to boot.  We were each given a piece of the original teak deck and our names are forever written in the history books as members of the team that brought the old girl back to life.

My need for travel and the exploring of the world would have to wait for several years but it was worth the wait I can tell you.  I experienced a different sort of Navy than most traditional sailors. I was made a flag member of the MWR team (Morale, Welfare and Recreation) I had the captain, command Master Chief and the XO's ears, I had meetings with Admirals and other Captains and did things that no other 20 year olds can claim to have done.  I got to travel before the ship to exotic ports and set up recreational activities for the crew and I had a power that was unparalleled. I came in on the ground floor of the movement and was in charge of everything.  It was hard to leave that post and move on, yet I did.  Only to head back to it over and over again throughout my career.  I received a Navy Achievement medal for my conduct and activities and my name was well known throughout the Navy. I parlayed the networking skills that I learned in the Navy to different occupations I held after I got out and I can't complain, I did pretty well for myself all things considered.

But, my story doesn't end there, I returned to Orlando after the Navy to battle cancer, but was only there for a short time before I moved on to the big city life of Atlanta. I found myself working for different Governor's and holding quite of bit of power for a little time.  However, as all good things do it passed.  I got sick again with Cancer and Radiation disease from my treatments with the first bout of cancer.  In the blink of an eye everything I had worked for and built up disappeared around me.  This was the first time that I realized how fragile and fleeting life can be.  But also how wondrous and fulfilling it can be at the same time. See, I learned that a person can live a lifetime in just 10 short years and accomplish things that take others a lifetime to build.  I also saw how fast it all can disappear depending on the situation and circumstance one finds themselves in.  Years have now passed since then and I am embarking on a new chapter of life and a new phase, yet the transitory calling of my nature is still there.  I often wonder what my life would have been like if I would have stayed in Orlando and did things differently.  One thing I realize is that I wouldn't have met some of the most extraordinary people that I have met in my life, nor would I have cultivated the vast network of friendships that I have amassed over the years.  See I count myself lucky, I am in contact with most of the people I went to High School with and served in the Navy with.  This is something that was brought about by the internet and Facebook.  But, also through the endeavors of those of us that struggled to find and reconnect using the tools available to us as provided by the current technology.

The world hasn't changed much except that information is now more available than it ever was, yet, it is still controlled by the powerful and what was once opened, is now becoming closed.  It has taken me a while to understand that life is but a series of cycles and circles that repeat at intervals, that our lives are nothing but a series of patterns that we follow.  Let me digress here for a brief moment, because my background is in Information Technology, the Internet and E-commerce. However, something amazing and yet heinous is happening with our technology.  See we went from single computers that were housed in a single unit, like the TRS-80 which was one of the first computers I learned to program on back in the 80's. Now in 2012, I see that All-in-one computers are making a come back. However, with some minor adjustments.  There are now hard drives and wireless cards, modems and network cards installed on all of the new machines, things that were not even thought of in the past.  However, it is plain that technology that society is embracing is that from an older era.  Cloud computing is just another utilization of what was once called main-frames and smart terminals.  There was a time when the main frame was connected by dumb terminals, but now each computer has it's own processor and access to the internet or what it is morphing into.  There once was a time when the information super highway was just that a series of webpages posted in the ether that could be reached by addresses.  Now we are back to fencing off that open area with our smart phones and apps.  Fences and walls are being built around the point of service. This is to provide instant and reliable information, with less loss of data.  See in the old days when we used the web to get around packets were sometimes lost, this was deemed acceptable at time because information was the goal. Today we want information at our fingertips with speed and accuracy hence the advent of apps to bring that data to you through a closed platform isolated and separate from the information stored on the world wide web.

If you are following what I am talking about you will begin to see that the old is coming back with just a different bit of style and sophistication added to it, more bells and whistles, but it is the same and the information and data is once again being controlled by corporations like Google, Apple, Yahoo and others.  But, this is just one point of many that I want to make, what comes around goes around as the old saying goes.  Soon you will be seeing other things from earlier years making a comeback and the nostalgia buffs in us will embrace it, however, don't be fooled into thinking that anything new or genuine is being offered to you because it really isn't, they are just dressing up what was done before and repackaging it for greater exposure and the capture of the almighty buck.    But let's continue talking about what I really wanted to talk to you about in this blog entry, before I digressed.

What I wanted to talk to you about was how you find some people that have lived in an area their whole life, they never wanted change or to experience anything different from what they had expected.  I am not one of those people, I was born a nomad of some sort apparently because I have no roots or ties to any one area. Yet,  I have family and friends that have never left Pennsylvania nor do they plan too. They have made their life there and have been content and successful.

I could see if my family was close to a big city and career opportunities, but they weren't they remained and maintained a life in the rural and suburban areas of the state. I wonder how they accomplished that, I often think they are the lucky ones, the ones that will have a legacy to leave once they are gone, what will I have to show for my time on this planet.  Not much, no family home to leave to a relative or excess of money from my pursuits.  The only thing that I will leave behind when I go is the legacy of my writing which I found late in my life.  So what makes me different from my family, why were my parents different from their siblings and family and what caused them to move around and strive to build something away from the nuclear family unit that gave them life and sustained them.  Now, one thing that I have recognized is that the family that remained behind remains close, they communicate with each other and get together when it is possible.  Those of us that have drifted away from the core family are not included in these events or get together's and I am wondering if it just happened that way or was there a bond that was severed when the family moved away.  It is impossible for me to tell you at this point as this is just something that I started thinking about today.  I can tell you that when my grandmother was alive things were different. It seemed that as the Matriarch of the family she held it together with her will and love alone and when she passed the communication and closeness of the family seemed to suffer greatly. Though others have tried to pull the family back together over the years after her passing it seemed like an impossible task.

What I have learned is this the family that remained behind and close, have a network between them that supports and uplifts them. They help each other and have a fellowship that those of us that have moved away lack.  Not saying that our satellite families are not close, because my family is pretty close and we all talk often.  But, it is the aunts, uncles, cousins, and other family members that we lack contact with.  Our roots have been shunted and we drift aimlessly.  Or at least in my case that is what I do.  As I said earlier, I was thinking on the drive over to the doctors today why did I choose to move around and not plant roots?  Why am I still without a base of operations and I am in my mid 40's now?  Answer, is that I don't have the extensive family network that my nuclear family has, I am not as connected to my cousins, aunts and uncles like I was when I was younger and my grandmother was still alive.  I also realized that my goals and perceptions were different from the rest of the family. They wanted to have children, homes and grow together, and I chose to follow money and my own personal glory instead of investing in family and home and a base of operations.  This I believe is where I have made the choice and this is the place to which it has led me.

I can only speak from personal experience and from what I have seen in my own life, but those of us that uproot and move ourselves away from the core family are transitory in nature, nomads by choice and choose to follow money, glory, fame or recognition.  Sometimes the path that our feet initially are place are by our parents and you have to find your own way back to the core family if you want to experience the growth and life of having one.  I was seven years old when my dad moved my family halfway across the nation to start a new life, it isn't till now that I actually have thought about what that decision meant and what path it put me on.  Had I take the time to consider what I was doing with my life and explored a little more on my own I might have come to the realization much sooner in my life.  I am not sorry for what I have accomplished or where I have been, nor what I am still yet to do, I just see that the choice that was made all those years ago could have been undone by my making a conscious choice to go back and find out. Yet, I chose to follow the nomadic path that I was on and chase after the money.  Funny about that is once you find it and achieve it, there never seems enough and you are driven to other things.  I was fortunate that fate or God took an active role in my life at the point in which he did, because I could still be in that world and bashing my head against the grind and striving to make more, have more and attain more and never be truly happy.

I learned back in 2007 that easy come easy go, see I have had my fortune, built it spent, built it again and lost it.  But in the process I was never satisfied and I always wanted more, strove to do better, it became a game and an obsession and it could have easily destroyed me, but because my health took a turn and things worked out differently for me, I have learned and what I have learned I became determined to share with others.  So I started helping those around me that were less fortunate than I was, and guess what I found everyone was less fortunate than I and I still messed things up. Gave away more than I could and hurt myself in the process. However, it was well worth it for the lessons that I have learned and now I help hundreds more in my new way than I ever could doing it single handed and headless of my own regard. See I took what Jesus did literally and tried to walk and help the down trodden, what I didn't know was how easily it was to become a target and labelled a sucker.  But again, I cannot and will not complain about anything I have been through because I learned and that is what life is all about.

The point that I want to make to you is this, you have choices that are open to you that you may not even be aware of.  If you want to build a lasting family and home then that is what you should focus on. The money and other things will come once your priorities are in order.  Trust me when I say that God provides because believe me he always does, and it comes when you need it the most and you least expect it.  Be open to change, embrace it, trust me it is nothing to fear and only good can come from it.  Take each experience you have and learn from them. Grow from them and build upon them, and you will see that you are well on your way on the philosophers journey toward enlightenment and spiritual wisdom.  Nothing is ever what it seems, but always take things at face value and when you find the hidden meaning you will grow from it like I did.  Money is not the end all be all and doesn't ensure happiness.  The search for it and the seeking of it can be your undoing.

Be wary of the path your are on, ask yourself questions and grow that is what we are here for.  You can make a difference in the world no matter where you are at.  In a small town or in a big city, it is all up to you and how you handle the things that life throws at you.  Keep in mind that anything worth having is never easy to achieve, and if it was you wouldn't appreciate it anyway. So work hard, live hard, and play fair and have fun. That is what life is all about.

As always my thoughts and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Please keep in mind, you are very special

Last night a friend of mine posted on Facebook would anyone care if he just checked out of life and disappeared never to be heard from again.  This hit me pretty hard, because as you know I have been through so many things and I have at one time or another gotten to the point where I had wanted to throw in the towel.  I know exactly how he was feeling, been there, done that and wear the t-shirt to prove it.  You may not realize how your loss might affect those around you, those that know you and care about you. Sometimes people look at you and are inspired to try harder for themselves because they look at you and see a person who works hard and is successful.  Because to one person you might be even if you don't think so yourself.

I know how easy it is to look at your life and weigh it against your dreams and feel that you have fallen short.  How you can look in the mirror and see yourself as a failure, feeling despondent because you had imagined yourself being so much further ahead than you are.  I know how easy it is to look at your friends and feel a certain way because they seem to have made it to the place where you thought you would be and you envy them.  How depression can creep in and make you feel so much worse about your situation and how your frustrations builds, and you get angry and despondent, wishing that things could be different.  Then you mind starts going through the should haves and the could haves and you start to think that your life has been a sham and a waste.  Stop it! Look around you, weigh in the accomplishment you have made, the obstacles you have overcome and who you have in your life.  Because, someone out there is looking at you and is just as envious of you and what you have as you are of others.

It is never too late for you to start over again, to do something different, to achieve something.  Further, if you really think about it there is always someone out there that is worse off then you.  The trick is to stop beating yourself up over your perceived failures, stop being so hard on yourself and down playing your accomplishments.  You are still here and continue to try, and that alone is something worth being proud of.  You may never know who is looking at you, drawing strength from your life, and looking up to you as a role model.  You could be totally unaware of how much of an inspiration you are to someone else, because you are too busy feeling sorry for yourself and lack of accomplishments. There are people in your life that love you and respect you, and your loss would devastate them.

Think back to the movie "It's a Wonderful Life" starring Jimmy Stewart and remember the revelation he found out when the angle came to him and granted him the wish that he had never been alive, so many things were different and so many peoples lives were utterly changed and not for the better just because he had never been born.  The same goes for you! You can't possibly know how many times your smile, or a simple act of kindness that you displayed had changed someone's life or made a difference in some incalculable way. There is no random or chance encounters, people come into each of our lives for a reason, and they are there until it is there time to move on.  Some come in and last a lifetime others are just there for a small duration.  You may be struggling now, but someone close to you may have been through a similar situation and you might benefit from their experience and vice-versa.  Each of us has lessons to learn and stuff to teach, but we cannot do it if we get ourselves mired down in self-pity and regret.

No matter how you feel about yourself now, or where you stand on your journey. I know that each of us at some point or another thinks we have failed or are a failure. But here is the thing to keep in mind, who could have done it any better?  Look at what you had to come through, what obstacles and illnesses and tragedies you have braved and you are still going strong.  Take pride in your accomplishments, be grateful for what you have, seek the happiness within yourself.  When you can do that you are going to find that you are a very prosperous individual, and should be content with where you are at because maybe if you were further along, you might have missed a key aspect of your life that defines you.  Also keep in mind that there is no one else in the world quite like you. No one has your experiences, has made the choices you have made for the reasons you have made them, no one can understand the consequences and rewards you have endured on your journey.  Remind yourself of those you have helped along the way to realize their dreams, given them shelter, food, clothing or whatever. Trust me when I tell you that you are one of a kind, an original, you are a master-piece, a great work of art, made beautiful by your struggles and your understanding that you have gained along the way.  This makes you totally unique, and guess what unique things can never be replaced, they are precious and invaluable, and that is you!

Life is full of special moments, and sometimes we are so busy we miss them, or we let them pass us by because we didn't recognize them.  Whatever the case is, take the time and make some moments special on your own.  Celebrate things that you normally wouldn't, give gifts or be spontaneous, whatever, just wake yourself up and look at what you have done and come through, you will be amazed! And when you find yourself at a dead end with no seeming exit, every door is closed to you, then by all means open a window, make your own path, start a new adventure, because life is precious and short, and you owe it to yourself to make yourself happy.  Forget about what everyone else is doing and don't give a damn about what they think, because guess what are they paying your bills? Are they doing all they can to give you the world on a silver platter? I don't think so! Therefore their opinion doesn't amount to shit, and as I have said before only you can make yourself happy, only you can do for you, because in the long run, everybody is just looking out for themselves.

So, when that depression strikes and wraps around your heart and tries to make you think that you are such a failure, that you haven't accomplished anything, and that you aren't anywhere where you thought you should be.  Pull back, take a break and look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself. " I am special, I have come through much, I have so much and I am unique and irreplaceable."  Trust me you tell yourself enough, you will start to believe it. Because it is the truth, no one can replace you, no one can do what you have done, and no one will help as many people as you have. You are blessed and loved by your family, friends and all who know you.  God has blessed you and will keep blessing you each and every day of your life. Give thanks for the little things you accomplish, don't sweat the small stuff in life that you cannot control, and above all love yourself enough to pat yourself on the back and give yourself a compliment for a job well done.

Remember what my grandfather told me so long ago.  "A man leaves his mark on this world not by how much money he has or how many houses, or material possessions, but by how many life's he has touched, how many people he has helped, and those that remember him when he is gone. Your works will speak for themselves and those you have helped will know what you have done for them and remember you for your kindness and generosity, they will be your testimony and tribute to the world." There is always someone watching you, finding hope and inspiration from you, looking up to you and trying to be like you whether you know it or not.  So yes you are special, in so many ways.  Never ever think about giving up and throwing in the towel, because there are so many people believing in you and counting on you. You just can't see them all.

I hope you truly understand that you are loved and blessed.  You will never be forgotten and your works and deed will certainly outlive you.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Choices Are Us!

Sounds like a chain store doesn't it? Well last night I was writing about settling for less than what we want.  I told you to go for it, damn the consequences and make yourself happy, not to second guess yourself or beat yourself up for buying whatever it is that you wanted or needed.  But as I sat here today thinking about things, it dawned on me that life is nothing more than a multitude of choices that we have to make.  These choices, bring about decisions, and the path that we embark on here in life.

Choices make our day go by and help us feel that we have accomplished something. The problem with choices is that there are always consequences for them. You might remember me saying that "Anything worth doing isn't easy!" Which, believe it or not is the truth.  Believe me every morning you wake up and you have a million choices that you have to make.  There is never a situation that comes up where there isn't a choice that can be made.  You must look at all the options that you have, because sometimes the first choice is not necessarily the best choice for you or your life.  You must look at every situation and evaluate it carefully, think outside of the box and view every possible option and look at it from each and every perspective you can think of.  You know how precious life is and how short it is. You must think, look outside of the box and keep your options open.

What you need to understand is that sometimes we cannot see the consequences that the action takes quite a while to reach fruition, but believe me when I tell you that for every action there is a reaction, so too there must be a consequence for every choice.  Now, with that basic understanding you much also realize that not all consequences are bad, there can also be rewards for your choices. All a reward is the positive consequences of choice that we have made.  I don't want to be long winded about this subject but it is very important that you realize that for each and everything we do we are either going to receive a consequence or a reward depending on whatever decision or choice we have made.

In my blog entry entitled "A change of scenery might be what you need..." I explained that if you are in a pattern of behavior or a rut, you may just need to change your scenery or venue.  Meaning in order to make a clean break from what you are trying to escape you might need to move to a new place, change your friends or do whatever you need to do to make your situation better. You made a choice that got you into the present situation and the choice you are making now to get out of whatever it is will have greater and far reaching affects than you can imagine.  Now, no one said that any decision you make is going to be easy, that there aren't going to be obstacles in your way, or people trying to keep you held back.  What I am trying to tell you is that the benefits of your choice will outweigh the costs that you are facing. You may not see them or recognize them right away, but believe me they will come.

No matter what you are facing, if you let your emotions, depression or guilt cloud your judgement, you won't be able to address the situation correctly, and you might miss some choices that aren't readily foreseen.  As I have told you, for every choice that we are presented with in our life, there are a million different choices.  There is no single solution that outweighs any other, just the consequences and the rewards that we will have to face.  Therefore, if there are considerations that need to be made you need to tackle them objectively, and truthfully look for all possible solutions and directions at which to come at the problem from. Abstract thinking and thinking outside of the box require you to use rational thought, you have to be free from distractions and emotions.

Divorcing ourselves from emotions is a very important step in the process of determining which course of action we should take.  Because only if we keep our mind free of distractions can we truly focus on the problem or choice that we have to make.  In my blog entry "There is no right or wrong way to deal with a problem"  I go into some detail explaining that you have to review your choices before you make a decision, and that the key to finding all the choices that you have open to you is by keeping your emotions detached from the selection process.  Now this is a hard thing to learn, you have to understand that you have use the analytical  part of your brain.  You must come at the problem from every possible angle you can think of.  If you don't the situation becomes muddle and confused with anxiety, depression and sometimes guilt.

It is okay to feel those things and we all do.  The secret is how you deal with those feelings, and how you push them back so that you can think clearly and rationally about the problem at hand and the choice that you have to make. In other words, every decision, has several choices, and each choice can lead to several more decisions that have to be made.  Our brain is such a miraculous thing that it can analyze and compute all the decisions, choices, and all the variables associated with them in a blink of an eye.  When we really put our brain power to focus on one of these choices or decision we take conscious control away from the brain and we analyze it in detail.  This is the process that I am talking about, the split second decisions, the ones that need a response immediately sometimes cannot be process through with rational or analytic thought at all because they happen so quickly.  But other things like paying a bill and what pair of shoes to wear, are all things we can analyze and make a conscious decision about.

The only thing that I would like you to take away from this blog entry is this: that every day we face problems, and decision points that we need to evaluate and find the appropriate solution for.  In order to see all the choices before you, you really want to see all of them because you don't want to make the situation worse by making a bad decision.  That for each choice and decision we have to make there are a myriad of solutions in which we can act upon to remedy the situation. Therefore, with detaching our emotions and keeping an open mind you might find a workable solution to the dilemma or problem.

We have free choice of our own actions, and we can extricate ourselves out of the situations we have put ourselves in or allowed ourselves to be in.  It is just a matter of looking at the situation from every possible angle and making a logical and rational decision on how to handle and deal with the situation.

As Always my hopes and dreams are with you.

Uncle B.