You don't know how many times I shake my head in disbelief as I let opportunity and change slip through my fingers. Now, today I am sitting here thinking about timing and just how important it really is in our lives. How many times have you missed opportunities or relationships because your time is not the same as the other persons? I know that this has happened too me so many times in my life and I have grown accustomed to settling for what has been left once that moment has passed. I couldn't have imagined a year ago that I would be a this place in my life, relying on others for help, rides and favors. Even if I had, there have been so many things that I could have done had I just been careful and aware of my timing.
Today, I tried to get a dentist appointment rescheduled for several reasons, one because I have just gotten out of the hospital, two I really don't have transportation necessary to get to the appointment and three that asking my father for a ride has become very difficult. When I called the dentist she told me that because funding was about to go away at the end of the month this appointment was really necessary if I wanted to get the work done that I need and have been approved for. Once again that thing called timing.
I was speaking to an ex last night who has remained a very close friend of mine ever since we broke up. He is moving to Philadelphia over the weekend and it troubled me. See, I had come from Atlanta because my health was bottoming out and everyone thought that I was going to die. But, when I got here I got better and pushed myself to get up on my feet and on my own. I asked him then to come to Florida and begin again, but he wasn't really ready, and he kept putting it off. Nearly two years went by and he finally had made a decision that it was time for him to change and get away from Atlanta, I had just gone through a very tough break up and ended up loosing my place to stay at this exact same time. I thought we could figure it out and get a place together, but my health became a huge issue. It had been the start of the osteomylitis and the fracturing of my spine, and because I was back home at my parents house and had no place for him he ended up leaving and going to Jacksonville. I ended up in a nursing home and then bounced around till I finally landed where I am at. Our timing still way off from each other. As I am writing this and thinking about what I am going through now, I wish things were different. I really wanted him to come down here and at least be here while I go through these difficult health issues, but in a way that is totally unfair to him. I need to do it for myself and maybe by myself.
I think about things that are going on in my daily life and I am not happy, I know that the person who is living with me is just here maybe in a way because he wants to be, but also due to circumstances and that isn't anyway to go forward. I do dread being alone and being isolated. In all honestly I have never lived alone before and I am not sure that I even know how. I know that I need to sit down and talk with the person who is living with me now and changes need to happen. But I am not sure what I really want nor do I have any real clue what he wants. I just know that because of the tumor, life is going to get very difficult for me all over again. I am not the most trusting soul in the world and I have pretty much no friends here in the Daytona Beach area.
Some people have uncanny timing and seem to glide through life effortlessly, I know that it is all a matter of perspective, but things seem to happen naturally for them. I seem to never see the big picture until the time to act has passed. In love and in life timing makes a big difference and impacts our daily lives in entirely different ways. If you connect with some and they with you I suggest that no matter what is going on in your life, world or existence you owe it to yourself and them to explore it to the fullest. Life is short and you don't want to live with regrets. Take stock of your situation and reach out to those you hold dear, and let them know it. Don't use the excuse that the time is just not right, because if you don't act at that moment you may have lost it forever. I am a big believer that we can create perfect moments for ourselves so we need use that ability to our advantage.
I can still remember when Bobby and I first met, we had just gotten off the train and were waiting for a bus to pull in to the station and take us where we needed to go. We hit it off, found out that we had mutual likes and a definite attraction for one another. He was homeless and I was just about to lose the place that I was living in, despite everything we managed to come together. He kept telling me that he wasn't ready for a relationship that he had nothing to offer. But the truth was we had one another and that was enough. Somehow we made it work and were together for 6 months or so before we let petty things get in the way such as drugs, addiction and a host of other things. Since, that time we have never gotten back in sync and it seems that maybe our time will not ever come again. Since, I am staying in Florida at least for a while and he is off to Pennsylvania at the beginning of the week. Yet, somehow I have don't believe that never is an option, and I know that we will always be close friends.
I have to admit that I am lost right now, drifting on the waves of uncertainty and I don't know what to do to get my head on right. Friends keep moving away or even dying and I wish that I had some people closer to me and who I could possibly talk to about the way that I am feeling, but unfortunately I don't. So I am at the hands of fate right now as I await the results of the biopsies and wonder which way I should look or turn too. I have been in this location for 6 months and I am not happy, I feel isolated, lonely and afraid. Where do I go? Where should I turn? I know that I am truly never alone that God is with me and has me in His hands but I spent much of the day home alone and been thinking and I know that change has got to come. Though my days of adventure might be over for now, what should I do?
Any ideas? Let me know,
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,