Easier written

I find that it is much easier to write down my thoughts and feelings then it is to verbalize and say them aloud.  Expressing oneself is vitally important in today's world.  Learning how to release pent up feelings and emotions is essential in maintaining successful relationships.    Yet, in my experience you must begin with yourself. During the past year I had to relearn an old lesson that I should never have forgotten. It took me years to learn that you have to be completely honest with yourself and with others that you are in a relationship with.  During the past year I was less than truthful in dealing with my partner.  More to protect him then in attempts to hurt him. Yet, damage to our relationship has been done.  I am not sure if the hurts that I caused and the damage done to our relationship can be undone. 

However in 2018 I plan on giving my relationship one more try. One more effort to right the wrongs that both of us have done to our relationship. If it doesn't work out this time then I guess it really wasn't meant to be.  This is a new place for me, a chapter in life I have seldom chosen to walk down.  This will be the first time in years that I have chosen to put myself in a place where I am willing to go back with someone and try to erase all the pain and failures of the past.  Literally, I have been down this road several times with this same person.  Each time they promise to change to be different and better than what they were. So far each time the situation either remained the same or has gotten worse.  I just hope that he can abide by his decision this time. Has not been lying to me and just saying what I want to hear. Because I really don't want to waste my money once again bringing him into my life for it to just blow up in my face once again.

With the title of this entry in mind I see that I am doing it once again.  I sit here writing about my feelings and my fears. I will have plenty of opportunity to talk about them on the return trip to Jacksonville.  That's if he is actually going to come with me this time. 4 other times in the past I have made the offer to have him come with me and 4 times he has backed out.  What he needs to understand is that I am doing this to help him.  I am jeopardizing my welfare and my place to stay as well as my personal funds trying to help him.  However, this is the last chance that I am willing to give him. I am not going to be doing the drugs and other things that have been common place in our relationship,  I am not even going to entertain opening that door not once. 

Well, it has been two weeks since he came up to Jacksonville. It was a very expensive endeavor bringing him up here, but I knew that it was going to be. Money this month went so quickly that I have had to change some of my plans. With him being up here my rent increased by $200.00 and food has become an issue. However, as things go I think that everything will work out once him and I get established here in Jacksonville.

With the amount of doctors appointments it really isn't possible for me to get a job and go to work. Though I have thought about it more than once. I have been trying to encourage my partner to at least apply for food stamps and try to get some other types of assistance. He has asked me to help him and since he had to go back to Daytona to meet with pre-trial services I think that I will take the opportunity to work on applying for him.  With at least that much help it will go a long way towards easing part of the financial burden that has been on my shoulders. From there getting him and my ID's straightened out will possibly enable him to get a part time job which would also help. If I can convince him that he needs to give me $350 a month for his portion of the bills not including what he gets in food stamps will make it so much easier for him and I to get a place of our own.

My goal at this point is to try and fix the damage done in the past. To encourage and open honest and direct communication. Promote getting at least a part time job so he can help me with the bills and get the things he wants.  It is my hope that I will be able to bridge the gap between writing about my feelings and actually expressing them.

By writing this entry I have become more focused on what I need to do and hope that with his help and the encouragement of my friends that he will begin to see the need to try and change and help me. He feels that he needs to be around to help take care of me. But the truth of the matter is that he really needs to start by helping me financially and get us back on to stable ground. This will be the most beneficial thing that he can do, which in turn will help me both physically and mentally.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you. Laugh often, love much and live well.

Uncle B

Even Today

Today I met with UF Health CARES only to find out that my paperwork from Daytona was not conpletely faxed across. I couldn't prove that I ever had a registered viral load. Too the doctor that reviewed the portion of the test that came across the fax it looks like I have always been undetectable.  This one mistake made my entire visit there non-productive. I had to have my blood drawn to get a new proof of positiveness letter and reschedule my appointment for 2 weeks away. This is rather disappointing because that means it will be another two weeks before I am finally enrolled in Ryan White services.  I can tell you that the visit wasn't entirely a waste. I met Brandon during my visit, a highly intelligent young man who besides being heterosexual, he was also born with HIV.

Though we didn't have as much time I would have liked. I got to discuss a bit of his story as I told him my own.  One thing that I was capable of doing was answering many of the questions that he had.  I am amazed that even today persons with HIV can still feel prejudice and stigma. Which can trigger deep depression and feelings of fear, persecution, alienation. All of which can instill a deep and abiding sense of worthlessness and a lack of self-worth.  Which according to Brandon has often made him feel as if he were a burden to others and unlovable. 

His most relevant question for me was how do I stay positive and grounded? Luckily for him I was asked almost the same question not an hour before by the social worker for my primary care team at the VA. My answer to their question was simply that first I don't dwell on my illness and second that I use my blog as a sort of catharsis.  That's right my coping mechanism is writing in my blog as well as telling to others my story every chance I can.

Like Brandon, I still deal with stigma and fear. I also know from our talk today that fear is a constant companion. Like me, we both fear how others will react to our disclosure of our illness. How others will receive us.  The fear that others will reject us and thus diminish our hopes for a relationship. There are now treatments that a mixed couple (one poz and the other not). This maybe an option for some. But what if your potential partner isn't willing or not educated about it.  However you decide to handle this dilemma is up to you.

But there is a whole lot more to Brandon than meets the eye. He feels compelled to help others, he has dedicated himself to the expansion of HIV research. In his own words he felt like he had a debt to pay becausr of everything he went through and his still being alive. With that debt in mind he dedicated himself in his sisters memory to constantly trying make a difference and help those around him.

Whether we want to accept it or not fear, misconception , stigma and prejudice still persist today. There are groups like the positive champions speakers bureau that work hard to stem these injustices and seek to educate and elighten the community of the truth of this disease. Back in the 1980's and the 1990's HIV/AIDS was headline news. There were marches, charity drives, concerts and an outpouring of information. Now,  there is barely mention of AIDS Related death's and one rarely hears of the infection rates. Yet, one thing that I have learned is that in some of the nations largest cities. The majority of people being diagnosed, are dianosed with full blown AIDS versus being diagnosed with HIV.

As I explained to Brandon that my telling of my story has a two fold reward for me.  It gives me the opportunity to talk to others one on one about what I went through and how it has affected me both positively and negatively. The second is that I am inspiring hope in others who might have given up on themselves and society in general.

One of the things about me is that I truly enjoy talking to people and it makes me feel like I am helping others and gives me a sense that I am giving something back to the community.

So if you are looking for a way to cope with your feelings of anxiety and depression or are looking for ways to deep or cope with stereotypes and stigma. Then maybe you should take up writing and talking to others about your story. I honestly think that you will find that your depression lessens and your self-worth will increase.

You are not doing this for yourself alone yet you will reap the most benefit from doing these things.

As always my hopes and prayers are with you. Love deeply, laugh often and live much.

Uncle B

Change

Though change is inevitable people do change slowly over time. I always thought that people basically remaining the same. But, I have since learned that it is the people around you who see you acting out of your normal character that try to hold you to the pattern that they are accustom to seeing.

What I have learned is that no matter how much I strive to change my attitude and actions people continue to see me not as to who and I what I am working towards but as the person that they think that I am. While I am striving to make positive strides in my daily life. People want to judge and recall the person you were instead of who you are trying to become.

My life over the last few years has been a constant game of giving up and self-destructive behavior. Most of the time I would wreck havoc in my daily life that it seemed inevitable that I was going to die.  Unfortunately for me God had other plans for me and my self-destructive tendencies amounted to absolutely nothing.  The worse my daily life became and no matter how much my health suffered the stronger my body became and I seemed to bounce back.  No matter how many times I ended up in the hospital and how close to death I came, my health would soon rebound and I would be back to ways.

However, several months ago I came to the realization that I needed to change. That there was no fulfillment in the desire to die. Because no matter what I did or didn't do it wasn't my time. I have watched over the years other people pass on before me. People who might not have wanted to go. See, I felt that in some way I was being punished or made to go through all of these illnesses because I deserved nothing, amounted to nothing. But I was wrong.

As in so many things in my life I based my understanding and decisions on faulty logic. See the reason why I was going through these illnesses was to give me the strength to face the next situation that was to come my way. I finally believe that God has been training and preparing me to help others that are facing or about to face a situation that I have already gone through.

I have tried unsuccessfully to help others and offer assistance when and where I could. But, what I have finally come to the conclusion that I can't even help myself so how can I possibly help others. I lost my home and have been on the street for almost two months straight.  So I have started focusing back on my blog. I can reach more people through my writing than I can through one on one contact.

This weekend is about to begin and this is a weekend where I must sit down and honestly look at my life in close detail and brutal honesty because the decision that I come to this weekend is going to have a direct impact on my future and those that are close to me.  I am going to have to weigh in great detail my living situation and decide what is right and best for me.

For years people have been telling me that it is okay to be selfish and it is time for me to put myself first. I believe that the decision has been made for me I just need to go with it and move on. But, as Monday approaches I will fill you in on my thought process and the decision that I finally reach.

As always you are in my hopes and dreams.

Uncle B