I find that it is much easier to write down my thoughts and feelings then it is to verbalize and say them aloud. Expressing oneself is vitally important in today's world. Learning how to release pent up feelings and emotions is essential in maintaining successful relationships. Yet, in my experience you must begin with yourself. During the past year I had to relearn an old lesson that I should never have forgotten. It took me years to learn that you have to be completely honest with yourself and with others that you are in a relationship with. During the past year I was less than truthful in dealing with my partner. More to protect him then in attempts to hurt him. Yet, damage to our relationship has been done. I am not sure if the hurts that I caused and the damage done to our relationship can be undone.
However in 2018 I plan on giving my relationship one more try. One more effort to right the wrongs that both of us have done to our relationship. If it doesn't work out this time then I guess it really wasn't meant to be. This is a new place for me, a chapter in life I have seldom chosen to walk down. This will be the first time in years that I have chosen to put myself in a place where I am willing to go back with someone and try to erase all the pain and failures of the past. Literally, I have been down this road several times with this same person. Each time they promise to change to be different and better than what they were. So far each time the situation either remained the same or has gotten worse. I just hope that he can abide by his decision this time. Has not been lying to me and just saying what I want to hear. Because I really don't want to waste my money once again bringing him into my life for it to just blow up in my face once again.
With the title of this entry in mind I see that I am doing it once again. I sit here writing about my feelings and my fears. I will have plenty of opportunity to talk about them on the return trip to Jacksonville. That's if he is actually going to come with me this time. 4 other times in the past I have made the offer to have him come with me and 4 times he has backed out. What he needs to understand is that I am doing this to help him. I am jeopardizing my welfare and my place to stay as well as my personal funds trying to help him. However, this is the last chance that I am willing to give him. I am not going to be doing the drugs and other things that have been common place in our relationship, I am not even going to entertain opening that door not once.
Well, it has been two weeks since he came up to Jacksonville. It was a very expensive endeavor bringing him up here, but I knew that it was going to be. Money this month went so quickly that I have had to change some of my plans. With him being up here my rent increased by $200.00 and food has become an issue. However, as things go I think that everything will work out once him and I get established here in Jacksonville.
With the amount of doctors appointments it really isn't possible for me to get a job and go to work. Though I have thought about it more than once. I have been trying to encourage my partner to at least apply for food stamps and try to get some other types of assistance. He has asked me to help him and since he had to go back to Daytona to meet with pre-trial services I think that I will take the opportunity to work on applying for him. With at least that much help it will go a long way towards easing part of the financial burden that has been on my shoulders. From there getting him and my ID's straightened out will possibly enable him to get a part time job which would also help. If I can convince him that he needs to give me $350 a month for his portion of the bills not including what he gets in food stamps will make it so much easier for him and I to get a place of our own.
My goal at this point is to try and fix the damage done in the past. To encourage and open honest and direct communication. Promote getting at least a part time job so he can help me with the bills and get the things he wants. It is my hope that I will be able to bridge the gap between writing about my feelings and actually expressing them.
By writing this entry I have become more focused on what I need to do and hope that with his help and the encouragement of my friends that he will begin to see the need to try and change and help me. He feels that he needs to be around to help take care of me. But the truth of the matter is that he really needs to start by helping me financially and get us back on to stable ground. This will be the most beneficial thing that he can do, which in turn will help me both physically and mentally.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you. Laugh often, love much and live well.
Uncle B
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