Walk away While you Can. You don't know when your last moment will be.

I may be preaching to the choir, but many of you don't seem to realize the truth behind the message that I am trying to send out to you.  For years I lived in Atlanta, and in 2012 I moved back to Florida because I was having severe issues with my kidneys and many of my doctors thought that I wasn't going to make it.  When my father offered to buy me a ticket from Atlanta home, I took the offer and I have been fortunate ever since.  I have been back and forth to Atlanta many times since then, my last visit was in 2014.  I had gotten stuck there and ended up landing at my friend Chris Tucker's house and stayed with him till I could find a way back home to Florida.  I had gone weeks without my medication and had run out of Colostomy bags and I was in a miserable place spiritually and emotionally.  If it wasn't for my ex's mother, caring about me I would have gotten much worse than I was, she took time out of her schedule and drove me to the VA hospital in Atlanta, and got me some Colostomy bags so that I could hold on till I found a way back home.

But it is now 2018 and the world has gotten darker and each morning I wake up to news that I have lost another friend or acquaintance because of an overdose.  Drugs have become a major problem for the middle and lower class society here in America and it isn't getting better no matter how much money the government spends on their war against drugs.  Prescription pain killers, Methamphetamines and Heroine are the drugs on the street, easy to come by and readily available.  Fentanyl is being used to cut many of the substances that are readily available to drug users and is the leading cause of death from ODing.  Since 2017 I have lost close to 150 friends and acquaintances to overdose, and that is way too high.  The number needs to be zero!

By December of 2017 I had my fill of the drug culture and society that Daytona Beach, Florida hosted. I was tired of being homeless, hungry, scrounging for drugs and constant theft.  I was tired of freeloaders and others that were just around because they knew that I was connected and could find them their next fix.   So I packed up what few things I had left and I moved to Jacksonville, FL where I started over.  Within a few months I was on my feet and doing well for myself.  I had gotten a job, got myself back into care and was making improvements in my life.  Things were going good for me and I wanted to share them with my boyfriend and partner, Dominic.  Unfortunately, after being in Jacksonville for a week he decided that he missed the old life so much that he went back to it and left me sitting at home.  He kept saying that he was coming back that he wanted to be with me, but every opportunity he had he squandered and stayed struggling with his addiction in Daytona.  Now there is a reason why I am telling you all of this and it is to paint a picture for you and to tell you my story.  What happened to me and why I am thankful now that I am finally clean.  The setbacks and mistakes that I made along the way and how I am focusing on myself to avoid making them again.  Each of us can relapse at any moment, it happens, and it is something to be expected from time to time.  But let me tell you something that you might not be aware of.  You never know when you draw up that last shot or snort your next line if it might be your last.  God is with you and is going to continue to be with you, but He only gives people so many chances to change their ways before he takes those chances away.

In late February I started talking with a friend of mine and Dominic's, I listened to what he told me, which turned out to be my mistake, because I went from the frying pan into the fire.  Will had painted a picture of Dominic that was very easy to imagine, used words and arguments that Dominic and I had in the past that only could have been come from him to Will.  Will had me so convinced that Dominic didn't love me and that Will was the better person who was going to come and take care of me and sweep me off my feet.  The reality was so much different then the fairy tale, let me tell you.  Yes, Will did show up and get a job within the first couple of days being there, but the cost of bringing him down from Pennsylvania, and then the expense of having stay with me, began to take a heavy toll.  Not to mention that he chose to leave the 1st week of April supposedly to go to court, yet I found documents that he left behind showed that he really didn't have court, he just took off.  Trying to minimize my losses I tried to close my bank account which never happened because he over drafted it by 800.00.  I ended up cancelling the credit card that was used to rent the car he drove to Pennsylvania, but even today I am being sued by Hertz because there was damage to the car, it was turned in late and in the wrong city.  Now let's talk about the reason why he left.  Plain and simple he brought drugs into the home after he was told not too.  I ended up doing them with him and relapsed.  He got funny and stayed away from me but accused me of trying to pick up the neighbor and some random kid off the street.  It got so bad that he got physical with me and when that happened it was literally over between us.  Dominic and I were together 3 1/2 years before there was any violence between us, and after all the fighting Dominic and I had been through and the associated abuse, there was no way I was taking it from someone else.  I was determined and shut myself totally down.  I wouldn't give Will a break nor another chance.  It just wasn't in the cards.

Meanwhile Dominic had been left in the cold and locked up in jail in Volusia county because he failed to appear in court even though I had sent him back in enough time to make the court date.  Because I was so angry with him and I wanted to make sure that he was the right person for me, I wrote him a detailed letter explaining what I thought I knew, everything that Will had told me, I explained that I understood that he wasn't attracted to me and didn't want to be with me and that Will was there now and we had made plans and things were going good.  I did however send Dominic a care package as I normally would have but I let him sit in jail. I really thought it was the best thing to do and I thought that it would teach Dominic a lesson and everything would turn out for the better.  What I didn't know is that my roommate's partner was going to die and that my dad was going to find out that he had stage 4 inoperable lung cancer and that my world was going to fall back apart.

I ended up going back to Daytona, at first to get some drugs because my roommate really needed them to cope with the passing of his partner.  But I went back on the promise of making some money by helping a friend try and get a car.  I figured this would help me recover some of the losses I took when Will left.  But it only made my life so much worse.  I ended up getting my car, wallet and Iphone stolen.  My checking account was flooded with fraudulent transactions and I got extremely sick and ended up in the hospital from the end of May till the beginning of June and then to make matter worse from June 20th through the end of the month, then ended up back in there from the 1st of July till the 28th.  Again my car was stolen and this time was involved in a couple of accidents.  I lost my place in Jacksonville, was strung back out on drugs the entire time I was in Daytona and was extremely sick on top of it.

Dominic got out of jail while I was going through this series of events and was so angry with me for the way that I left him and let him sit in jail that he wouldn't talk to me and only wanted to fight with me.  This made my situation that much worse because the one person who I thought would understand what I was going through would be him.  But he turned his back on me and left me to my own devices, which on hindsight was probably for the best.  In Mid-July my father and I had a blow out my step mother drove me to the McDonalds.  I ended up having a minor heart attack and ended up back in the hospital till the end of July, Dominic got caught shoplifting again and was in jail and I ended up having no place to go when I got out of the hospital.  I ended up calling my life long friend Judy in Orlando and asking her if I could come and stay with her till I could get on my feet again.  I have been here since July and it is now Mid-December and I am still here.  Dominic and I eventually start talking and set our differences aside and made up with one another and when he finally got out of jail I brought him to Orlando to stay with me and Judy.  Unfortunately, that wasn't going to last because in October when I took Dominic back to Daytona to court he met up with some friends to get some of his clothes and jewelry and the next thing I know he has brought drugs into the house.

This led to major problems.  Both of us relapsed and he ended up cheating on me with someone else and I got hurt. He fought with my friend and roommate and was asked to leave.  It wasn't pretty, but it is what it is.  I took him to a friends in Deland where his relapse continued till he ended up back in jail on November 25th.  He is still in jail today but we are hopeful that he will be out by the 19th of December and we will be able to finally spend our first Christmas together. Since we have never been able to share a Thanksgiving, my birthday or Christmas together since we got together in 2013.

I went into this whole story to show that everyone no matter how hard they try is prone to relapsing and falling back into a habit and pattern of usage over and over again no matter how far or how hard they have tried to get away from the drugs and the people that have them.  Because we are all human and we suffer from anxiety, depression, insecurities it is hard to stay away from a long term habit like that. I used to think that by changing the people you hang around, the place you live and your entire surroundings that you could totally escape it.  That isn't the truth! It will be a life long battle trust me when I tell you this.

But now let me talk to you about the friends and loved ones that weren't so fortunate as me and Dominic, those that didn't escape the epidemic that is sweeping the nation and the world.  Many of my friends are no longer here, so it is my job to convey to you their story to leave with you the last thought that they each had before the past from this world to the next.  Like Dominic and I they thought that it would never happen to them, that they were stronger than the addiction and that they could do just one more line, one more shot and it would be okay.  But, in all cases they were wrong.  My dear friend Jade was found outside of an abandoned resort so desiccated that they could not identify her by anything other than the serial number on the pacemaker that was installed in her heart because like many of the young ladies in Daytona she contracted Cardio myelitis and cardiotoxicity associated Methamphetamine usage.  Neil was found blue and in his car dead because of a hot shot that had been laced with heroine.  So many other I could name have lost their lives to drug use and overdosing.  But drug use alone is not the only cause of loss of life, many of the gay people I know are heavy into the use of methamphetamine to get their high and intensify the feeling of sexual activity. Many of them have poor diet and end up forgetting or stop taking their medications and before you know it they have complications to HIV/AIDS that they are dealing with.

To sum up what I am feeling and the fears that I have for you I am going to include an earlier post that I made a couple of days ago.  But first let me tell you that each time you pick up that needle, make your next line, you are taking your own life into your own hands.  You think that you are strong enough, that you don't have an addictive personality or you can handle it just one more time.  You are wrong too many of our friend are no longer here because they too thought that way and felt that they could beat back the addiction that was plaguing them.  We are not strong enough alone to combat this demon, and it will never be a battle that can be fought and one by a single decision. This is a life long commitment and a struggle that will consume you for months and possibly years to come.  But I have known others that have fought and won, some days are harder than the next, some days might be easier to cope, but after a time the fight will become second nature to you and you will stop focusing on the battle and will begin living again.  Reach out to those around you, tell them about your issues, your addictions and ask them for help. The first step in dealing with a problem is knowingly acknowledging that you have one.  Do not be ashamed to ask for help or guidance it may just save your life.  So now I want to dedicate this to my fallen friends, lost loved ones and anyone else who is battling this dreaded demon of Drug addiction.

To all the friends, family, loved ones, acquaintances that I have lost my heart goes out to you and I want you to know that my world has become less bright and so much smaller since you are no longer in it:

Listen everyday I wake up and the world has become a smaller place. I have lost too many friends, relatives, and people I care about to this drug epidemic that has hit Florida. My heart is in Daytona Beach and everyday some is ODing or getting locked up. What will it take to get you to see that the few minutes of a high is not worth your life! The grief you have to go through to get the stuff, not to mention the constant loss of clothes, material possessions, the couch visitors and homelessness that accompanies it all. The daily struggle, the daily loss, sickness and just miserable feelings!

Please understand I am your friend I am trying to look out for you. I got tired of being walked on, homeless, struggling for food and housing, I got fed up with asking for help and never finding it. The constant drama that followed not being able to always supply demand. I want better for all of us. I want to stay clean and sober, if I could I would continue to help everyone!

Yet, I reached a limit and had to put myself first. Everyone else second. It doesn’t mean I love you less, it means that I finally realized that if I am not clean I cannot expect anyone else to get there either. That if I couldn’t take care of myself I couldn’t help anyone else. I am struggling right now but I am moving forward. Staying away from the drugs and bettering myself. I have a hope for the future and I am working hard to create a reality of safety and security. I am going to get this right and lead others to follow me.

We have lost enough, suffered enough, endured enough. We have survived so far and have changed, grown stronger and wiser. We have heard it all, know all the excuses and will not tolerate anything but the best from the rest of you. Join me we can beat this thing together. Grow stronger and make a difference!

-B

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Age is an issue

Facebook is a great way for people to keep in touch, track down people that have been absent from their lives for years.  But it is also a way for us to keep up to date on things that are happening to people we care about and what they are facing. I am one who hesitates to engage in conflict, but I am not the type of person who shies away from it when it comes my way.  The past several days I have been sitting at home and I have been thinking, reminiscing about my past, reflecting on what I have been through and planning for what I am am facing.  When a friend of mine shared pictures of himself and a simple statement about age, I saw it and thought about what was written and the pictures that were posted.  Then I started reading the comments and what I found troubled me a bit, because I knew exactly what the others were saying, I have felt the way that they are, were feeling. And in my youth I actually participated in the very practice that I am about to write about.

I like to think of myself as a pioneer, a person who puts themselves out there in the forefront and helps blaze a trail for others to follow.  How could I know that simple actions that I had in my youth would impact the lives of others so deeply.  Only now in retrospect can I see that many of the things that I did in my youth have had a resounding effect on others, and that I was one of the people that help inspire and bring about change throughout the LGBTQ community. Yet I am one of the people in this world that is causing a problem and a break in our community.  Though today my ideas are a little different then they were years ago, I still find that I am an ageist.  This is troubling to me because I have so many friends that are my own age and I care about them, but only once in my entire life did I date someone the same age or older than myself. 

Like many in the community I believed that it was my preference to date younger people, but in a sense it was a blinder that I was wearing, I was looking at the outside person and not the package as a whole.  I was one of those high maintenance queens that searched for perfection and could pinpoint ones flaws and faults within minutes of meeting them.  I was shallow and vapid though I thought that my opinions and thoughts mattered.  But a hard life lesson was soon to come my way.  It first struck me at the age of 24 and literally robbed me of my 20's and 30's and scared me mentally and physically for life.  It left me an outcast in the community that I helped mold and create, and today I stay on the fringes of it.  I still consider myself part of the gay community, but I refrain from many of the things that I should still be involved in.  Because somewhere inside of me is the deep abiding fear that I am not perfect and therefore not worthy of love and acceptance into the community that I love and dedicated my life to building.

When I got sick with cancer and then ended up with not 1 but 2 colostomy bags, I turned away ashamed of my body and my broken form.  I secluded myself and sought refuge in drugs and other means to escape the fear of persecution.  Yet, repeatedly human nature has surprised me and I have found friends and sometimes companions along the way.  I have more scares than most, have had more surgeries than most, and I still have the fear that I can't be accepted for me because somewhere in my mind I have decided that people in the gay community are discriminatory against those that don't fit the ideal image of perfection.  Though I have found and joined groups that accepted me limitation, scars and illness and all.  I have found friends when I never thought I would and I have found a sort of peace within myself that I never thought I would because of my battered and broken body.  I have even found people who don't see me as damaged but as bright and shiny star of hope and comfort.  These are things that I would never have thought possible.

But as I was reading my friends post and the comments I realized that there is still a problem with age in the community, that the young still look at those of us with age and have prejudice.  I have come to the realization that I don't look at people the way that I used to, yes I still look at physical appearance, but that is not the person. I have had the unfortunate experience to love a beautiful looking man who was very ugly and dark inside and that made me realize the truth in the adage "you can't judge a book by it's cover".  Yet, my own insecurities continue to hold me in a pattern. I am afraid to put myself out there again and hope that someone can look past the body and see the person on the inside.  I sit in the house day after day and I watching TV, reading and avoiding the truth.  I am lonely, and afraid, these are my truths. Yet, I continue on and do what is expected of me.

Yet, something that my friends wrote stirred in me a desire to once again get out there and make a change in my life.  In doing so I hope that I can inspire others to do the same.  Life for the gay population is different now then when I was growing up.  I have learned that the superficial is not the way to look at another person. Maybe there are others out there that have begun to see that too.  Maybe it is only something that happens with age and wisdom, but I hope not.  I think that if I were to step out of my comfort zone and do something about my situation I might others doing the same.  I am beginning to understand my limitations, accept my physical appearance, and instead of hiding the person that I am.  I am letting the world see the person that I have become. I live my life by example and have been doing so a long time. I write about my life here in the blog, and I talk about my differences to everyone I meet.  My story is one of survival, it is one of hope, and it is one of comfort.  I have lived with 6 terminal illnesses for a long time now and I have done so with courage, and against overwhelming odds. I do it with a smile and a positive attitude that everyone notices.  So, if I can change and look at my mistakes with grace, knowing that I cannot change what I have been and done in the past, I certainly can make adjustments and do something about it in my future.

So I have taken to writing this piece about age.  I have never let it define me or limit my actions. I have taken care of the things that I must and have been there when others have needed me. But that is not all to my life.  When replying to my friends post, I was reminded of the things that I have done in my past, the accomplishments that I have made, and the triumphs, as well as the defeats.  But in all of this I have been a motivator and an instigator for change.  I have been as I put it a pioneer and I have done things that at the time seemed inconsequential, yet had far ranging affects on my peers and those that have come after me.  I may not have been able to rescue everyone, I haven't been able to save the world, or help as many people as I had wanted too.  But in my life there have been thousands of lives that I have touched and I have helped and they are out there. They know what I have done for them and I am not asking for any praise or thanks.  I am looking to those people to help me spread the word that age is a number, physical beauty is a thing that fades with time, and that we must look at the persons heart, soul and attitude to find the things that we are missing in our own lives.  A friend found a sense of belonging and community in his church, he found acceptance and he also found a feeling of wholeness and completion the likes that I have never really felt other than in fleeting times.

Yes, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but there are things that you need to think about before you wrinkle up your nose at the affections and attentions another casts your way.  Don't let their age be a detractor, because with age comes experience, wisdom and understanding and with those things comes the added bonus of compassion.  I don't know how to change the world or change how the gay community looks at one another, but I can tell you that without my friends of age I wouldn't have made it as far as I have in life.  I wouldn't have been able to face the uncertain times that I have come through or had the strength to persevere when all about me seemed bleak.  I have come through some dark times and very rough medical situations and I have become a stronger person because of them and their advice.  I never gave the appropriate thanks to those that came before me.  The ones that fought for gay rights, however, I have performed in the play Stonewall and celebrated those lives.  It is unfortunate that many of the younger generation know very little to nothing of the days of the 60's and 70's that gave rise to our "Gay Movement" of the 80's and the "Equality Movement" of the 90's and 2000's.  What I can honestly say is that I am grateful to have been a part of those times, I wouldn't change my involvement and actions in anyway. 

So here I sit and I want to begin a new movement, be a voice for compassion and understanding and hopefully change the way the younger generation thinks and feels about us the old guys.  I am tired of being a Yuck or Gross.  I am still an attractive person and I have more to offer today more now than ever.  I am stronger and wiser.  Age hasn't made me less fun, I still can keep up with the 20 years that still are in my life.  But I am not looking for love there anymore either.  I have tried repeatedly to find it in the younger generation and have been left wanting and disappointed.  I am tired of feeling like I am being used and unappreciated.  I am comfortable with who I have become and I have surprised myself that there are those out there that find me attractive and have shown some interest in getting to know me.  Honestly, with my medical situation the way it is I am not really hoping for any new developments, but I am learning that my time isn't always the right time.  I have faith in God and His plan for my life, and if He decides to put a new face in my equations then who am I to argue or find fault.  At least I know that I am not alone right now, I have friends, and people that care about me, and I am not far from my family if something happens that I should need them. 

Let me remind those out there that old is not ugly, old is not boring, old isn't anything but a state of mind.  I am one that can talk about this, I am almost 50 now, and I still do things that I did when I was in my late 20's and things I should have done in my 30's but because I had cancer and missed almost all of those years, it took me some catching up to do.  I have a unique perspective about things because I experienced a lot of them later in life than most.  I found knowledge and wisdom in older friends when I was going through some really tough medical issues.  Those friendships have enabled me to survive and adapt.  It is the job of us that lived through the 80's till now to enlighten those that are younger and teach them about the past and the hardships that we and those before us had to endure.  Gay pride is not a marketing theme, though lately it seems to have become commercialized, no it is a time to celebrate our heritage, our loss, and to remember those that were taken from us early by AIDs.  It is also a time to celebrate the victories that were won and the sacrifices that were made to get us to the place we are at today.  Not only do us of age have things that we can teach the younger generation, we can show them understanding and compassion, offer guidance, and wisdom and help them through the issues that they are facing.  Never forgetting that we still have a long way to go yet in the battle for equality and acceptance.  We have the moral obligation to unveil the myths and misconceptions that surround HIV and AIDs we need to honor the memories of the friends and family that we lost during the height of the epidemic. Plus, we need to remind the world at large that AIDs is still with us we are still loosing brothers and sisters still today to this disease.  Though it isn't the media focus that it once was we would be neglect in thinking that we have vanquished and won.  The war is still being fought, and many are still being persecuted because they have been diagnosed. 

Many of us are tired we have battled long and hard, created a better world for those that come after us, but we are not able to rest just yet, there is much left to be done.  I am reminded every day that I wake up that I am still here way longer than any doctor ever predicted I would be.  I have overcome some incredible odds and I am still fighting today.  We can't let the younger generations forget all that has come before, the heritage, the community, the bonding that we felt and developed in the 80's in the fear of the unknown disease.  Community centers were born, research centers organized and help organizations established that have become the norm.  We need to remind the young that many thousands gave their lives, tears, and suffering for these mediocre changes that we have finally received.  Yes today is a better place, there is a bit more acceptance in the world, but there is much hatred and bigotry still out there.  Our community still suffers from many such forms, and maybe there needs to be a movement inside our own movement that tries to foster change.  Ageism is a form of intolerance, and discrimination that we cannot and shouldn't allow to fester in our community.  We need to look beyond the sexual revolution and think towards a more unifying and holistic love of ourselves.  To look to our elders and still love them and accept them, to show respect and compassion.  Being gay isn't defined by sexual attraction alone, it is being comfortable with those that you are more drawn towards, who you can associate and understand better. We are different yes because of our desire to be loved and we enjoy sex with the same sex, but it goes beyond that I think or at least it does for me.  I feel more comfortable with women as friends, but I feel a kinship and bond with males that I cannot quite describe. 

The human heart has the capacity to love and bond to many different things, and people.  We need to understand ourselves better, look at our motivations, and think about what where we truly feel the most comfortable.  Age is a number, it doesn't define us.  It may limit us physically, but emotionally and mentally we are still those same 20 somethings that we once were in a much more experienced and worn package.  Most of us wear our age well and are proud to do so.  Every year that I am here I am thankful for.  I have worked hard to get here and I plan on hanging around a little longer, if I have to do it alone then so be it.  But, I don't think so there is someone out there looking for the inner me.  When they finally stop looking at the outer me and see the inside they will find what they are looking for. Until then I will keep trying to raise the awareness that age is not something to be afraid of, it isn't something ugly, it is a gift, it is a treasure.  Hopefully others will begin to see that we are of value still and we have things been through situations that can help them, we have lessons we can teach and we still have our voice to make change happen.

So from the age of 49 looking back, I remember the days when I was afraid of being 30, then 40, and of course 50.  But look here I am I have made it this far, have learned much, endured more, and I have something that I can help the world to understand and that is the human spirit.  I know how to give hope, how to inspire through living and comfort just by being there.  Life is a journey that doesn't end.  I can tell you that I am still going through some things even now, but in the end it will have made me that much stronger a person and will give me another lesson that I can teach another person.

So don't wrinkle up your nose at the attentions of those older men that admire you, take it as a compliment, get to know them, maybe just maybe you might find what you have been searching for and it was right in front of you the entire time and you just couldn't see it because of the blinders you have been wearing.  Age is beauty, a gift and something to be cherished.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you. Let me encourage you to live your life full with laughter, love and light.

Uncle B

Please keep in mind, you are very special

Last night a friend of mine posted on Facebook would anyone care if he just checked out of life and disappeared never to be heard from again.  This hit me pretty hard, because as you know I have been through so many things and I have at one time or another gotten to the point where I had wanted to throw in the towel.  I know exactly how he was feeling, been there, done that and wear the t-shirt to prove it.  You may not realize how your loss might affect those around you, those that know you and care about you. Sometimes people look at you and are inspired to try harder for themselves because they look at you and see a person who works hard and is successful.  Because to one person you might be even if you don't think so yourself.

I know how easy it is to look at your life and weigh it against your dreams and feel that you have fallen short.  How you can look in the mirror and see yourself as a failure, feeling despondent because you had imagined yourself being so much further ahead than you are.  I know how easy it is to look at your friends and feel a certain way because they seem to have made it to the place where you thought you would be and you envy them.  How depression can creep in and make you feel so much worse about your situation and how your frustrations builds, and you get angry and despondent, wishing that things could be different.  Then you mind starts going through the should haves and the could haves and you start to think that your life has been a sham and a waste.  Stop it! Look around you, weigh in the accomplishment you have made, the obstacles you have overcome and who you have in your life.  Because, someone out there is looking at you and is just as envious of you and what you have as you are of others.

It is never too late for you to start over again, to do something different, to achieve something.  Further, if you really think about it there is always someone out there that is worse off then you.  The trick is to stop beating yourself up over your perceived failures, stop being so hard on yourself and down playing your accomplishments.  You are still here and continue to try, and that alone is something worth being proud of.  You may never know who is looking at you, drawing strength from your life, and looking up to you as a role model.  You could be totally unaware of how much of an inspiration you are to someone else, because you are too busy feeling sorry for yourself and lack of accomplishments. There are people in your life that love you and respect you, and your loss would devastate them.

Think back to the movie "It's a Wonderful Life" starring Jimmy Stewart and remember the revelation he found out when the angle came to him and granted him the wish that he had never been alive, so many things were different and so many peoples lives were utterly changed and not for the better just because he had never been born.  The same goes for you! You can't possibly know how many times your smile, or a simple act of kindness that you displayed had changed someone's life or made a difference in some incalculable way. There is no random or chance encounters, people come into each of our lives for a reason, and they are there until it is there time to move on.  Some come in and last a lifetime others are just there for a small duration.  You may be struggling now, but someone close to you may have been through a similar situation and you might benefit from their experience and vice-versa.  Each of us has lessons to learn and stuff to teach, but we cannot do it if we get ourselves mired down in self-pity and regret.

No matter how you feel about yourself now, or where you stand on your journey. I know that each of us at some point or another thinks we have failed or are a failure. But here is the thing to keep in mind, who could have done it any better?  Look at what you had to come through, what obstacles and illnesses and tragedies you have braved and you are still going strong.  Take pride in your accomplishments, be grateful for what you have, seek the happiness within yourself.  When you can do that you are going to find that you are a very prosperous individual, and should be content with where you are at because maybe if you were further along, you might have missed a key aspect of your life that defines you.  Also keep in mind that there is no one else in the world quite like you. No one has your experiences, has made the choices you have made for the reasons you have made them, no one can understand the consequences and rewards you have endured on your journey.  Remind yourself of those you have helped along the way to realize their dreams, given them shelter, food, clothing or whatever. Trust me when I tell you that you are one of a kind, an original, you are a master-piece, a great work of art, made beautiful by your struggles and your understanding that you have gained along the way.  This makes you totally unique, and guess what unique things can never be replaced, they are precious and invaluable, and that is you!

Life is full of special moments, and sometimes we are so busy we miss them, or we let them pass us by because we didn't recognize them.  Whatever the case is, take the time and make some moments special on your own.  Celebrate things that you normally wouldn't, give gifts or be spontaneous, whatever, just wake yourself up and look at what you have done and come through, you will be amazed! And when you find yourself at a dead end with no seeming exit, every door is closed to you, then by all means open a window, make your own path, start a new adventure, because life is precious and short, and you owe it to yourself to make yourself happy.  Forget about what everyone else is doing and don't give a damn about what they think, because guess what are they paying your bills? Are they doing all they can to give you the world on a silver platter? I don't think so! Therefore their opinion doesn't amount to shit, and as I have said before only you can make yourself happy, only you can do for you, because in the long run, everybody is just looking out for themselves.

So, when that depression strikes and wraps around your heart and tries to make you think that you are such a failure, that you haven't accomplished anything, and that you aren't anywhere where you thought you should be.  Pull back, take a break and look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself. " I am special, I have come through much, I have so much and I am unique and irreplaceable."  Trust me you tell yourself enough, you will start to believe it. Because it is the truth, no one can replace you, no one can do what you have done, and no one will help as many people as you have. You are blessed and loved by your family, friends and all who know you.  God has blessed you and will keep blessing you each and every day of your life. Give thanks for the little things you accomplish, don't sweat the small stuff in life that you cannot control, and above all love yourself enough to pat yourself on the back and give yourself a compliment for a job well done.

Remember what my grandfather told me so long ago.  "A man leaves his mark on this world not by how much money he has or how many houses, or material possessions, but by how many life's he has touched, how many people he has helped, and those that remember him when he is gone. Your works will speak for themselves and those you have helped will know what you have done for them and remember you for your kindness and generosity, they will be your testimony and tribute to the world." There is always someone watching you, finding hope and inspiration from you, looking up to you and trying to be like you whether you know it or not.  So yes you are special, in so many ways.  Never ever think about giving up and throwing in the towel, because there are so many people believing in you and counting on you. You just can't see them all.

I hope you truly understand that you are loved and blessed.  You will never be forgotten and your works and deed will certainly outlive you.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Settling for other than you want and second guessing yourself is wrong

Life is full of changes, and when you come to a point in your life when you really want something, you have the means to achieve it but you are afraid that it will strain you financially.  I want you to stop second guessing yourself, go for it! Don't settle for something less because it is less risky or expensive.  When you start to settle for things that you don't want, or doesn't quite meet your expectations, you set a pattern for yourself that you might not be able to break out of.

Even when I was making good money, and doing alright for myself, I would be the last one to order a meal when out for dinner, I would wait and see what everyone else ordered, and then choose something less expensive.  This wasn't because I had too, it was because I felt uncomfortable with the expense, and I always feared that I wouldn't be able to afford it.  Even when I was in a relationship of 12 years, I sometimes still found myself in that mind frame, and would revert back to my old pattern of behavior.  What is worse is that every time I would make a decision about a purchase, I would feel guilty about it.  I would second guess myself and begin to worry.  This is often referred to as buyers remorse.  Believe it or not, millions of people suffer and are often plagued by this worry and guilt.

Ingrained patterns of behavior become habits over time and are extremely hard to break. In stressful situation, or situations where we feel overwhelmed or uncomfortable we can easily revert back to those old habits or patterns, even if we have left them behind for many years.  So as life changes and hurtles and obstacles are put in our way, we need to change and adapt to them, or we are going to find ourselves unable to make a decision, be overwhelmed with stress over bills and sick with worry about where and how we are going to be pay for whatever it is that we have chosen to do.  I know that this might be a little hard to follow, but I believe that once a worrier always a worrier.  But I also know from previous experience that no matter how much I have worried and stressed out over situations, I was unable to change the outcome of the choice I had made.  I also found that if I am constantly worried over something, I am not able to think of anything but the situation, much less try and figure out a solution to the problem.  Sometimes, as the momentary panic had died down and the stress receded a little I found out that the universe or God always provides.  Now, I am not saying go out there and get crazy spending large sums of money that you don't have and have no way of paying back.  What I am saying is that if you are in a situation and you need or desire something and you are working hard and what you are wanting is not going to immediately cause damage.

Go for it, do what you feel comfortable with and what makes you happy. Even if things get tight for awhile a way will be provided to help you through, we are not left to fend for ourselves.  Don't deny yourself things that are necessary, and don't choose to be second rate.  Go for what you want, make yourself happy.  As I have told you over and over again, life is too short.  I don't want you to sweat the small shit in life! Let them pass, they will take care of themselves in the long run.  Now, you have to understand that I am talking about small things, necessary items, and so forth.  I am not telling you to go out and buy a Ferrari, unless you have the money to make the down payment, and the payments aren't going to cripple you to the point that you cannot take care of any other bill or yourself.  Be reasonable, but if it really is something you want then I think you should go for it.

This weekend my father and I went out car shopping, he found a car for $1295.00 he thought that I should buy it. But, it wasn't me, and I knew I wouldn't be happy driving it.  I stood my ground and went looking for something more my style and that I would feel comfortable with.  I decided to stand my ground and get something that I liked and wanted.  Now, I have a car payment and collision insurance, bills that I honestly wasn't wanting or planning on.  However, I realized that if I didn't take matters into my own hands and make some sort of decision I was going to end up with car I wasn't comfortable with.  Yes, the payments are monthly and that wasn't in my budget either, I was planning on buying a cash car, and making due.  But, in the end I wasn't going to be happy at all.  So I did what I thought was best.  I bought something that I was interested in and I liked, I fretted and worried about the amount of money that I was spending and how much it is going to cost me over the next 2 1/2 years, but I stuck to my guns and got something that I liked.

How many times have you chosen to settle without thinking about your wants, needs and desires?  I bet it has been a lot, and you were never really happy with the choice you made. I want you to know that I have been there right with you.  As with all things you have to do them in moderation and at small manageable chunks at a time.  You have to be willing to think and find a solution, confront your fear that you have over extended yourself and push aside the feeling that you are doomed because you don't know how you are going to cover the added expense.  In this situation you have to be open minded and willing to work toward a solution.  You aren't the first one that has made a decision that was extremely costly and had to think outside of the box to find a workable solution to the issue at hand.

Have you ever heard the saying " God helps those that help themselves"  this is sincerely true. He is not going to let you falter or fall, He doesn't put us in situations that are greater than our ability to confront them and overcome them.  Like I said earlier the universe or God will provide.  He will make a way for you to come through the situation in a much better and stronger place.  Some how and someway that you have never dreamed of the money to cover the situation will come.  Seemingly it will come from nowhere, and you will look back at all the posturing and stress and realize that you had made the right decision and that everything will work itself out.  You can do this, you can disrupt your pattern of behavior and break the habit, and what seemed so daunting a task will begin to become manageable and you will succeed.

Again, I am not telling you to go out and run up your credit cards, or buy things you want just so you can have them, you need to act moderately and work toward getting them.  You have to be willing to work hard and do what you can, because I promise you the rest will come.  Don't try to put on airs and live above your means because if you do this, I guarantee you will be continue to struggle, and won't be able to come up with a solution to help you out.  Keep the things that you buy down to necessary items, food, housing, transportation, utilities, etc.  If you do this I promise you that if you need something really desperately a way will be made for you to have it. Same thing with wanting something, if it truly is something you cannot live without, a way will be provided to help you through the struggle.  As I have said before nothing worth doing is ever easy and I mean that.

The reason why I am telling you this is because I want you to understand, that settling for something and making yourself miserable is not going to get you anywhere. Only you can make yourself happy, you have to do for yourself and provide for yourself, no matter how much it hurts you, because a way will be made to help you through. In the example above about the car, I was in desperate need of my own reliable transportation, I was being pushed one way and instead of settling for just old anything, I was determined to get what I want. I know that I am going to be struggling for the next few months till I can get everything back under control, but I know that I am not going to worry about it because God has my back.  He isn't going to let me fail, because He alone knows how hard I have been trying to reach this goal.  Yes, I will admit that I am a bit worried about the payments and other things because that takes a big chunk out of my disability check. But I know in my heart that if I am short, a way will be provided for me to have what I need to make this work.

Stressing over money is one of the biggest problems we have in this world today. But I am hear to tell you that if you keep the Faith, God will help you and keep you afloat.  Be sure to do what you feel in your heart is the right thing to do, then just do it. After that God will help you manage it.  Remember to always to make yourself happy, don't worry about how other people feel about what you are doing.  Remember you can't please everyone all of the time, but you sure can make sure you please yourself.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

You can do it on your own, you don't need anybody!

I know if you are anything like me you don't like being alone at all.  But, I want to tell you that there are some things you are just better at doing by yourself.  It is always nice to have a support network to help you through the rough times in your life, and believe me your friends and family are going to pull together for you and help you through those times, and you won't have to face them alone.  What I am talking about here is that you don't need another person in your life to define you or make you whole.  Sure it is nice to have someone to love, to depend on, to care for, but sometimes the timing is not right or you just can't seem to come together. No matter what the reason is for you being single, understand that you can do it on your own. You don't need someone to hold your hand and coddle you through. One of my fears that I have always had was that I was going to get sick and die alone, that I wouldn't be able to find someone that could care and love me for who I am. Especially after all the surgeries and illnesses I have been through.

Sure it has made it harder for me to find someone who truly and genuinely cares for me, because it seems that having an illness and dwelling on that lowers your defenses, you have a tendency to cling to anyone that shows you the least little bit of attention or affection. I can tell you that this can possibly lead to humiliation and heartbreak, because some of these people are opportunist that are looking for vulnerable people to prey upon and take what they can get from them.  Now, I am not saying that everyone is like that, but you have to be extremely careful because there is a world full of predators out there that are looking for the weak and the vulnerable to prey upon and use up.  I have found myself personally in that situation more than once, and it isn't fun, and it becomes extremely costly.

There is hope for you and anyone really that wants to read and listen.  You honestly don't need anyone to complete you, you can complete yourself.  Trust me when I tell you that you can get sucked into a relationship, you can loose yourself and loose your sense of direction.  Further, once you are in a relationship you are going to go through a lot of changes and compromises, and believe it or not most of your dreams and goals are going to end up taking a back seat in your life.  First in a relationship you are trying to adapt to your new environment and people that you are involved, integrating your friends and their friends into the mix.  Then there is where are you going to live, and how you are going to manage the finances together, because combining two individuals into a pair takes some work, each of you have your own lives and issues that you have to bring together to deal with. You are going to want to deal with them as a team and work them through together.  Plus there is the time that you are going to take getting to know one another better, and of course there is still having to work and possibly going to school to deal with and so many other things.  That you just seem to stop doing your own things, because now you are doing "Our" things.  Meaning as a couple you start doing things together. This is not an altogether bad thing believe me and it happens more than you can imagine.  But as you are combining your lives, and streamlining the excess, and working out a whole new sets of goals, guess what happens to the dreams you once had, you got it, they fall by the wayside, maybe not totally forgotten, but they sure are put on the shelf for later review.

You may even come to discard your old dreams in favor of new dreams that you create with your partner. You both have expectations and desires to reach these dreams and complete them together, but what do you do when that relationship falls apart or just plain disappears?  You are going to find yourself in a difficult place, you are hurt, your world seems upside down, and you don't know what your future is going to hold, and your faith in yourself and in the world around you is going to be very badly shaken.  It may take you awhile to come back to yourself, to pick up the pieces of your shattered life and start over again. But eventually you will do it, and guess what you might even remember those old dreams that you shelved a while back and might decide that now is the perfect time to try them out.  You figure you have nothing to loose and off you go.

Well, I have faith in you, because I have been there and done just what I described above, I started a new life, met someone in 1996 and decided that it was time for a new chapter in my life to begin.  I actually dabbled in some of the things I used to be into, like pencil sketching, drawing, writing, doing research and practicing my beliefs. But honestly, I just dabbled, I wasn't really into it.  I was too busy with my life, relationship, the drama that came with being in a relationship, then I was working and building a career, and buying houses, and cars, etc. Before you knew it my dreams and passions got left behind in the dirt.  Even after my relationship ended, it did last for 12 years, but when it ended, I was too busy trying to find myself, re-establish my identity, figure out a sense of direction and of course get my feet back under me. My dreams unfortunately never had a chance to resurface.  But now that time and distance from my failed relationship have brought into a much clearer focus I remember the dreams I had, and I am finally in a place in my life where I have my feet back under me and a stable foundation on which to build from. So I started writing again, and I have no partner in my life. Those of you that know me and have been following my blogs, know that there are two special people in my life that I have feelings for and they are both far away in Atlanta, and I don't get to talk to them on a regular basis, and that I don't even know if they realize I have an interest in them any more.

Anyhow, the point I am trying to make is this, I am back to a point in my life where I realize I can do everything I need to take care of myself. I don't need anyone else to tell me what to do, make decisions for me, hold my hand and of course keep me from doing the things that I love to do and have always dreamed of doing.  It took me having to go through the darkest part of my life to realize that there is so much more out there just waiting to be done, and that I can do it all by myself.  Sure as I mentioned above it would be nice to have someone in my life, but you know what if that ever comes about this time things are going to be a little different. I am going to encourage them to follow their dreams, to take a leap of faith and try to do accomplish whatever they desire. Because, I am focusing on attaining my own dreams and I don't have time for someone that is going to rain on my parade or hold me back.  I won't settle for someone that doesn't have faith in me, that doesn't believe in me, or who tries to tell me that my dreams are unrealistic, or that I don't have talent or the myriad of other things that were used to hold me back and keep me down in my previous relationship.  I have finally found myself again, and yes it took me a long while to realize that I didn't need another person, that my dreams were just as important to me as any other aspect of my life.

It also dawned on me that when we meet someone new that we have a preconceived notion of what they are supposed to be like and what the new relationship is supposed to be like. These notions are from what we see on TV, in our own family life, even that of our friends relationships.  We end up constantly comparing the person and the relationship against these notions or expectations and when they don't measure up we get frustrated, disappointed and stress and discord enter the picture, we start fighting and as the tension builds so does the depression.  I talked about this in my blog entry "You need to adjust and lower your expectations".  The point here is that no one is ever going to measure up to your ideal or perfect person or relationship and if you don't come to terms with that, you are going to end up alienating yourself, pushing the person away, and destroying your relationship. Honestly, I believe that both of you are going to come to a point where you feel that nothing you do is right in the others eyes, and that everything you try to do to make each other happy only back fires.

No matter if you are in a relationship or if you have gone through the emotional turmoil of the break up, you have to rely on yourself.  I have stressed over and over again in almost all my blog entries the importance of taking care of yourself, focusing your attention on your own needs, desires and goals. Because as I have said before, no one else is going to do it for you. If you don't put yourself first and foremost then you are going to get left behind, you are going to put your dreams on hold and they are never going to have the chance to be realized. You are going to wake up one morning and realize that your life is half over and you have yet to accomplish anything. That you have given up your dreams to raise a family, to take care of your partner, or raise children, or given everything you had to your career and job.  You forgot all about yourself and your dreams, you decided that you could sacrifice them to survive.  But take it from me those are the types of regrets you don't want to have in your life, and guess what I am here to tell you that you don't have to.

I am also here to tell you that if you come to a point in your life and you find yourself alone, and sometimes feeling lonely, don't think that you have to go out there and find yourself somebody, because you don't. You can do it all on your own, you won't have any distractions, nobody holding you back, or taking your time.  One of my favorite movies the son tells his mother " I can cook, clean, sew, fix the plumbing and pat myself on the back, just so you don't have to."  You are going to find that you don't need anyone in your life to feel complete, you can prove to yourself that you are worthy of happiness, and are destined for great things.  You are strong enough to take care of yourself, and of course you have your friends and family.  Don't let yourself be pressured or forget what you believe in, because you are worth it. You owe it to yourself to reach for your dreams, to take a leap of faith and find your success.  I am here to tell you that you are never too old to reach for and accomplish your dreams.  Look at Fantasia Barrino, she is the young singer who won season 3 of American Idol, she was a single mother, struggling, working hard to take care of herself and her baby.  She had almost forgot her dream.  She almost let it go, a friend of her's encouraged her, told her that her voice was her gift and that God gave it to her to make a success from.  She told her brother, that her grandmother and her mother had given up their dreams to take care of them and raise them, but she wasn't going to do it, she was going to make it so her daughter would be able to reach for her dreams when she grew up.   You should really check out her story "Fantasia Barrino: Life is not a fairy tale", I am so sure you will be amazed at her life and be able to take some inspiration from it.

I am always looking for people whose lives touch me and inspire me, and I can tell you this.  You can do anything you want to, you must set your mind to it, work hard, and do what it takes, fight for it, don't worry about the people talking about you and putting you down, because you know what at least they are thinking about you, and if they are great. Don't give up or quit, see it through to the end, I know it is going to be hard and you are going to want to throw in the towel, but guess what stick it out you are going to be so happy you did. The rewards and joy are going to so outweigh the pain you had to endure getting there.  If there are people holding you back and keeping you down, you have to be strong enough to let them go, find the strength within yourself to know that you can do it, you can make it and you will.  You deserve the best, you don't need anyone holding you down...trust me you can make it one your own you don't need anybody.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B