Age is an issue

Facebook is a great way for people to keep in touch, track down people that have been absent from their lives for years.  But it is also a way for us to keep up to date on things that are happening to people we care about and what they are facing. I am one who hesitates to engage in conflict, but I am not the type of person who shies away from it when it comes my way.  The past several days I have been sitting at home and I have been thinking, reminiscing about my past, reflecting on what I have been through and planning for what I am am facing.  When a friend of mine shared pictures of himself and a simple statement about age, I saw it and thought about what was written and the pictures that were posted.  Then I started reading the comments and what I found troubled me a bit, because I knew exactly what the others were saying, I have felt the way that they are, were feeling. And in my youth I actually participated in the very practice that I am about to write about.

I like to think of myself as a pioneer, a person who puts themselves out there in the forefront and helps blaze a trail for others to follow.  How could I know that simple actions that I had in my youth would impact the lives of others so deeply.  Only now in retrospect can I see that many of the things that I did in my youth have had a resounding effect on others, and that I was one of the people that help inspire and bring about change throughout the LGBTQ community. Yet I am one of the people in this world that is causing a problem and a break in our community.  Though today my ideas are a little different then they were years ago, I still find that I am an ageist.  This is troubling to me because I have so many friends that are my own age and I care about them, but only once in my entire life did I date someone the same age or older than myself. 

Like many in the community I believed that it was my preference to date younger people, but in a sense it was a blinder that I was wearing, I was looking at the outside person and not the package as a whole.  I was one of those high maintenance queens that searched for perfection and could pinpoint ones flaws and faults within minutes of meeting them.  I was shallow and vapid though I thought that my opinions and thoughts mattered.  But a hard life lesson was soon to come my way.  It first struck me at the age of 24 and literally robbed me of my 20's and 30's and scared me mentally and physically for life.  It left me an outcast in the community that I helped mold and create, and today I stay on the fringes of it.  I still consider myself part of the gay community, but I refrain from many of the things that I should still be involved in.  Because somewhere inside of me is the deep abiding fear that I am not perfect and therefore not worthy of love and acceptance into the community that I love and dedicated my life to building.

When I got sick with cancer and then ended up with not 1 but 2 colostomy bags, I turned away ashamed of my body and my broken form.  I secluded myself and sought refuge in drugs and other means to escape the fear of persecution.  Yet, repeatedly human nature has surprised me and I have found friends and sometimes companions along the way.  I have more scares than most, have had more surgeries than most, and I still have the fear that I can't be accepted for me because somewhere in my mind I have decided that people in the gay community are discriminatory against those that don't fit the ideal image of perfection.  Though I have found and joined groups that accepted me limitation, scars and illness and all.  I have found friends when I never thought I would and I have found a sort of peace within myself that I never thought I would because of my battered and broken body.  I have even found people who don't see me as damaged but as bright and shiny star of hope and comfort.  These are things that I would never have thought possible.

But as I was reading my friends post and the comments I realized that there is still a problem with age in the community, that the young still look at those of us with age and have prejudice.  I have come to the realization that I don't look at people the way that I used to, yes I still look at physical appearance, but that is not the person. I have had the unfortunate experience to love a beautiful looking man who was very ugly and dark inside and that made me realize the truth in the adage "you can't judge a book by it's cover".  Yet, my own insecurities continue to hold me in a pattern. I am afraid to put myself out there again and hope that someone can look past the body and see the person on the inside.  I sit in the house day after day and I watching TV, reading and avoiding the truth.  I am lonely, and afraid, these are my truths. Yet, I continue on and do what is expected of me.

Yet, something that my friends wrote stirred in me a desire to once again get out there and make a change in my life.  In doing so I hope that I can inspire others to do the same.  Life for the gay population is different now then when I was growing up.  I have learned that the superficial is not the way to look at another person. Maybe there are others out there that have begun to see that too.  Maybe it is only something that happens with age and wisdom, but I hope not.  I think that if I were to step out of my comfort zone and do something about my situation I might others doing the same.  I am beginning to understand my limitations, accept my physical appearance, and instead of hiding the person that I am.  I am letting the world see the person that I have become. I live my life by example and have been doing so a long time. I write about my life here in the blog, and I talk about my differences to everyone I meet.  My story is one of survival, it is one of hope, and it is one of comfort.  I have lived with 6 terminal illnesses for a long time now and I have done so with courage, and against overwhelming odds. I do it with a smile and a positive attitude that everyone notices.  So, if I can change and look at my mistakes with grace, knowing that I cannot change what I have been and done in the past, I certainly can make adjustments and do something about it in my future.

So I have taken to writing this piece about age.  I have never let it define me or limit my actions. I have taken care of the things that I must and have been there when others have needed me. But that is not all to my life.  When replying to my friends post, I was reminded of the things that I have done in my past, the accomplishments that I have made, and the triumphs, as well as the defeats.  But in all of this I have been a motivator and an instigator for change.  I have been as I put it a pioneer and I have done things that at the time seemed inconsequential, yet had far ranging affects on my peers and those that have come after me.  I may not have been able to rescue everyone, I haven't been able to save the world, or help as many people as I had wanted too.  But in my life there have been thousands of lives that I have touched and I have helped and they are out there. They know what I have done for them and I am not asking for any praise or thanks.  I am looking to those people to help me spread the word that age is a number, physical beauty is a thing that fades with time, and that we must look at the persons heart, soul and attitude to find the things that we are missing in our own lives.  A friend found a sense of belonging and community in his church, he found acceptance and he also found a feeling of wholeness and completion the likes that I have never really felt other than in fleeting times.

Yes, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but there are things that you need to think about before you wrinkle up your nose at the affections and attentions another casts your way.  Don't let their age be a detractor, because with age comes experience, wisdom and understanding and with those things comes the added bonus of compassion.  I don't know how to change the world or change how the gay community looks at one another, but I can tell you that without my friends of age I wouldn't have made it as far as I have in life.  I wouldn't have been able to face the uncertain times that I have come through or had the strength to persevere when all about me seemed bleak.  I have come through some dark times and very rough medical situations and I have become a stronger person because of them and their advice.  I never gave the appropriate thanks to those that came before me.  The ones that fought for gay rights, however, I have performed in the play Stonewall and celebrated those lives.  It is unfortunate that many of the younger generation know very little to nothing of the days of the 60's and 70's that gave rise to our "Gay Movement" of the 80's and the "Equality Movement" of the 90's and 2000's.  What I can honestly say is that I am grateful to have been a part of those times, I wouldn't change my involvement and actions in anyway. 

So here I sit and I want to begin a new movement, be a voice for compassion and understanding and hopefully change the way the younger generation thinks and feels about us the old guys.  I am tired of being a Yuck or Gross.  I am still an attractive person and I have more to offer today more now than ever.  I am stronger and wiser.  Age hasn't made me less fun, I still can keep up with the 20 years that still are in my life.  But I am not looking for love there anymore either.  I have tried repeatedly to find it in the younger generation and have been left wanting and disappointed.  I am tired of feeling like I am being used and unappreciated.  I am comfortable with who I have become and I have surprised myself that there are those out there that find me attractive and have shown some interest in getting to know me.  Honestly, with my medical situation the way it is I am not really hoping for any new developments, but I am learning that my time isn't always the right time.  I have faith in God and His plan for my life, and if He decides to put a new face in my equations then who am I to argue or find fault.  At least I know that I am not alone right now, I have friends, and people that care about me, and I am not far from my family if something happens that I should need them. 

Let me remind those out there that old is not ugly, old is not boring, old isn't anything but a state of mind.  I am one that can talk about this, I am almost 50 now, and I still do things that I did when I was in my late 20's and things I should have done in my 30's but because I had cancer and missed almost all of those years, it took me some catching up to do.  I have a unique perspective about things because I experienced a lot of them later in life than most.  I found knowledge and wisdom in older friends when I was going through some really tough medical issues.  Those friendships have enabled me to survive and adapt.  It is the job of us that lived through the 80's till now to enlighten those that are younger and teach them about the past and the hardships that we and those before us had to endure.  Gay pride is not a marketing theme, though lately it seems to have become commercialized, no it is a time to celebrate our heritage, our loss, and to remember those that were taken from us early by AIDs.  It is also a time to celebrate the victories that were won and the sacrifices that were made to get us to the place we are at today.  Not only do us of age have things that we can teach the younger generation, we can show them understanding and compassion, offer guidance, and wisdom and help them through the issues that they are facing.  Never forgetting that we still have a long way to go yet in the battle for equality and acceptance.  We have the moral obligation to unveil the myths and misconceptions that surround HIV and AIDs we need to honor the memories of the friends and family that we lost during the height of the epidemic. Plus, we need to remind the world at large that AIDs is still with us we are still loosing brothers and sisters still today to this disease.  Though it isn't the media focus that it once was we would be neglect in thinking that we have vanquished and won.  The war is still being fought, and many are still being persecuted because they have been diagnosed. 

Many of us are tired we have battled long and hard, created a better world for those that come after us, but we are not able to rest just yet, there is much left to be done.  I am reminded every day that I wake up that I am still here way longer than any doctor ever predicted I would be.  I have overcome some incredible odds and I am still fighting today.  We can't let the younger generations forget all that has come before, the heritage, the community, the bonding that we felt and developed in the 80's in the fear of the unknown disease.  Community centers were born, research centers organized and help organizations established that have become the norm.  We need to remind the young that many thousands gave their lives, tears, and suffering for these mediocre changes that we have finally received.  Yes today is a better place, there is a bit more acceptance in the world, but there is much hatred and bigotry still out there.  Our community still suffers from many such forms, and maybe there needs to be a movement inside our own movement that tries to foster change.  Ageism is a form of intolerance, and discrimination that we cannot and shouldn't allow to fester in our community.  We need to look beyond the sexual revolution and think towards a more unifying and holistic love of ourselves.  To look to our elders and still love them and accept them, to show respect and compassion.  Being gay isn't defined by sexual attraction alone, it is being comfortable with those that you are more drawn towards, who you can associate and understand better. We are different yes because of our desire to be loved and we enjoy sex with the same sex, but it goes beyond that I think or at least it does for me.  I feel more comfortable with women as friends, but I feel a kinship and bond with males that I cannot quite describe. 

The human heart has the capacity to love and bond to many different things, and people.  We need to understand ourselves better, look at our motivations, and think about what where we truly feel the most comfortable.  Age is a number, it doesn't define us.  It may limit us physically, but emotionally and mentally we are still those same 20 somethings that we once were in a much more experienced and worn package.  Most of us wear our age well and are proud to do so.  Every year that I am here I am thankful for.  I have worked hard to get here and I plan on hanging around a little longer, if I have to do it alone then so be it.  But, I don't think so there is someone out there looking for the inner me.  When they finally stop looking at the outer me and see the inside they will find what they are looking for. Until then I will keep trying to raise the awareness that age is not something to be afraid of, it isn't something ugly, it is a gift, it is a treasure.  Hopefully others will begin to see that we are of value still and we have things been through situations that can help them, we have lessons we can teach and we still have our voice to make change happen.

So from the age of 49 looking back, I remember the days when I was afraid of being 30, then 40, and of course 50.  But look here I am I have made it this far, have learned much, endured more, and I have something that I can help the world to understand and that is the human spirit.  I know how to give hope, how to inspire through living and comfort just by being there.  Life is a journey that doesn't end.  I can tell you that I am still going through some things even now, but in the end it will have made me that much stronger a person and will give me another lesson that I can teach another person.

So don't wrinkle up your nose at the attentions of those older men that admire you, take it as a compliment, get to know them, maybe just maybe you might find what you have been searching for and it was right in front of you the entire time and you just couldn't see it because of the blinders you have been wearing.  Age is beauty, a gift and something to be cherished.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you. Let me encourage you to live your life full with laughter, love and light.

Uncle B

Uncharted Territory

Friday will be etched in the annals of Gay history in the landmark ruling of the U.S. Supreme court, stating that same-sex marriages were protected under the constitution of the United States. For years the Equality movement has been pushing for rulings like this, along with the Gay Pride festivities that are celebrated in every state in the Union.  However, the Gay community is embarking on a journey into uncharted territory and with the southern states vowing to find away around the ruling, which only further promotes the intolerance, bigotry and hatred of the right wing conservatives and the southern baptist convention.

Many of today's youth who are out revelling in this years pride festivities have no idea of the origins of the pride march, or what happened at Stonewall or even comprehend the battles and sacrifices that we the elders of the Gay community made and suffered during the 60's, 70's, 80's and 90's.  In 2004, the equality movement was formed in San Francisco, California and over the years has been joined by equality groups and marches in just about every city in the world.  The gay movement or equality or equal rights for gays, minorities etc. started in the United States but has become a world-wide theme.  Other countries are more liberal in their ideas and morals on sex so it was an easy foothold for the movement to have spread to those cities and countries.

More and more I see LGBT couples demonstrating their love out in the public domain, and I must say that popular opinion has been more accepting of them.  I have seen movies where there is a gay character and believe it or not gay has been nothing new to Hollywood, check out the movie the "Celluloid Closet" if you have any doubt.  I have heard it said in several movies actors stating "I was out before it became cool to be Gay".  Yes, the tide is turning but we aren't still there yet, there is more to do than having pride celebrations around the country and the world.  We as elders of the gay community must be sure to teach and remind those that are coming up behind us that the freedoms that they are experiencing and celebrating were hard won battles.  People have lost their lives and we need to never forget the dreadful 80's where we lost hundreds if not thousands of our brothers and sisters that fell ill to AIDS. Remind the youth that Pride is more than a big party and concerts and merchandise, it is a movement a social trend, and awakening of the consciousness of the nation and the world that we are here and we are not going away.  There are no closets for us to cower in, we will not be intimidated and fearful because our fathers, brothers, sisters have won these freedoms and we respect the sacrifices and hard won victories that result in the era of calm today.

I was born in 1968, I don't remember the Stonewall Riots in New York and the eruption of indignation that followed and the formation of the movement that would become GAY PRIDE and the battle for EQUALITY, but I was fortunate to have older friends that told me and taught me the meaning of what the nation and our forbears went through to win me the freedom that I see and experience today.  PRIDE is more that a party, it is a victory celebration that denotes all the barriers, prejudice and hatred that we as a community have overcome and survived.  It is also a time for remembering all that have fallen for us. Those that have died because of persecution, hatred and of course bigotry.  Unfortunately, the war hasn't been won yet, and the conservatives and the southern coalition and the baptist are arming for war, we have won a major victory, but with every victory comes casualties.  We as a community must once again join in one voice and denounce the Governors of Texas, Louisiana and any other state that feels that they don't have to uphold the ruling of the Supreme Court.  We must let them know that we will not tolerate their hatred, their bigotry and their idea of right and wrong.  For we as individuals, deserve to be treated fairly, with respect and dignity.

I remember how in 1986 mortuary's and funeral homes often refused to pick up the bodies of those that had died of AIDS, I remember the indignity my own lover endured once he found out he was ill, and I also remember how in the final moments of his life he couldn't remember who he was much less who I was or his parents.  The years of the pain that I have felt as others have judged me and yet I am excited yet frightened at the same time by the ruling that was handed down by the Supreme Court on Friday, because we are heading into uncharted territory.  Now, that the ruling has been handed down and I have seen the reactions of some of the southern states, I am worried that the time might have changed and popular opinion has changed sides, but I know what happened during 1960's when a call to end segregation went out.  How riots rocked cities, and the national guard was called out to enforce the law.  Today we are facing something similar, I believe that there are going to be groups that strike out and violence might erupt.

The Gay community may not be prepared or even aware of the ramifications that this ruling will cause.  But, as I noted the times are changing and more people are open and more accepting today than they have ever been.  I urge caution, understand that changes are going to have to occur nationwide, that state governments as well as municipalities are going to have to change their practices.  There are also now going to be gay divorces and courts are going to have to rule on asset separation, and a paradigm shift is going to have to start from the Capital of the United States down to every local government.  Change is good and is inevitable but remember caution as we move down this road that we have no map or direction, for this is the first time that we have stepped on it.

The road less traveled is often fraught with perils, pitfalls and holes but the reward for following it is so much greater.  Which road will you choose?  Will you journey with the majority or will you walk with me on the path to the uncharted territory, I promise our journey maybe hard, and dangerous, but it will be beautiful and the rewards at the end justify it all.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Unity is the key to Equality

A friend of mine and I were talking the other day about the disparity between cultures, he is African-American and I am Caucasian.  During the conversation I realized that these same divides exist within the gay community. Whether you are black, white, asian, hispanic or any other ethnic group doesn't really matter because first and foremost you are apart of the culture in which you are born.  Then comes the community where you identify yourself with sexually. These being Gay, Lesbian, Transgender or Bisexual, and this is where things start to get complicated.  There has been a comparison or synthesis created that likens the Gay Equality Movement to the Civil Rights movement or the Women's Suffrage Movement.  Now, I believe that there needs to be equality, but the comparisons are wrong. First off,  all segments of the population already have the basic freedoms that both the other movements created.  The gay segment of population is transparent and not readily identifiable unless a person speaks out about their orientation.

Bear with me here, because this is how I see things. First the women's vote grants that privileged to all women regardless of sexual orientation.  With WWII the trend of a stay at home mother started to shift, because as the boy's were overseas fighting, women took to the factories and kept America's industries and economy moving and fluid.  This gave women the taste of what it was like to be broken out of the stereotype that they had found themselves in for centuries.  As the 1950's and 60's passed on more and more women found themselves not only wanting to work, but did enter the workforce and started making money, by the 1980's many families had both parents working.  Now, granted there are still inequalities in the workforce, but as the years have gone by we have seen more and more of those barriers broken down.  A female can now run corporations, serve as Secretary of State, and be Heads of State.  Margaret Thatcher was a prime example how a woman who started out as a correspondent rose to power and was the Prime Minister of Great Britain.  My point being is that most of the social barriers that stereotyped women and kept them in the kitchen, so to speak have been broken down and discarded.

Keeping this in mind, lets look at the Civil Rights Movement and the great strides that have been made on that front.  Again, I am not saying that there still aren't inequalities out there, because I know there are, but great strides have been made to ensure that African-Americans are given the same rights as Caucasians, significantly with the right to vote, hold office, and the end of segregation.  There are still stigmas associated with interracial relationships, but those barriers are falling more and more each year.  Just as the Women's Suffrage Movement ensured all women the right to vote and hold office, so has the Civil Rights Movement ensured that all African-Americans have the same rights to vote, hold office, and as such the racial barriers have started being torn down. President Obama made history as the first duly elected African-American to hold the Office of the President of the United States, there are now Judges, Lawyers, prominent businessmen and women that are African-American.

We must thank those who came before us and stood up and fought for those rights to be granted, we must take into consideration the sacrifice, terror and even death that some of these early organizers and leaders suffered and faced.  I think of people like Martin Luther King, Martin Luther King Jr, Malcolm X, Susan B. Anthony, Lucy Stone, Elizabeth Stanton and others that paved the way for these "Civil Liberties" to be granted to ensure that all men and women were treated fairly and equally. Each of these people either risked their lives or lost them in the fight for other people, to stop the oppression and fear and in some cases the poverty conditions that were forced upon them by a rigid so-called moral society that was largely presided over them by prejudice and bigotry and intolerance by the ruling powers.

As I look at the Equality or Equal Rights Movement that the gay community is seeking, I often wonder if it can be achieved.  Like I have said above, the majority of the rights and freedoms that have been hard won by the previous movements where because a social distinction was visible, tangible and easily seen.  We have fought hard and have come so far, there is now included in the anti-discrimination policy of the United States that there cannot be discrimination based on sexual orientation.  There are questions that employers cannot ask and there are protections now in place for legal recourse if someone is questioned or even fired because of such discrimination. There are also hate crime laws that exist in almost every state that help protect minorities, including the gay community under that umbrella.

I see that there is a major problem that still needs to be addressed by the Gay Community if they ever hope to achieve the Equality that they are seeking.  I look at the gay community as a whole, but unfortunately I am one of the few.  See even in our community, yes I am gay and consider myself as a member of this community, we have segregated ourselves, we have formed lines in the sand that separate us and keep us apart.  I hope that I can explain myself good enough to make you understand what I see.  First let me explain that when I came out in the early 80's the Pride Movement was well underway, but enter the picture of HIV and AIDS which helped change the face of the movement and it went more toward Gay Rights and Equality Movement than that of Pride.  I know some of you might disagree with me.  But, let me try to explain that the Pride Movement was started to remember the police raid on  the Stonewall Inn and the resulting riots that followed. According to Wikipedia "Pride is the positive stance against violence and discrimination against the (LGBT) people to promote their self-affirmation, equality rights, and increase their visibility as social group, build community, and celebrate sexual diversity and gender variance."

However, how can we expect others to see us as a community or a social group if we cannot even come together and break down the barriers that separate the defining groups.  Over the past few years I have seen a decline in the negative stance between gay and lesbian groups, but there is still a gulf that separates the transgenders that still needs to be bridged.  Bisexuals straddle the fence and seem hold themselves separate from any group and that might be because they don't feel like they are a part of any one particular group because they don't feel connected to them.  My point is this we need to embrace and espouse unity within our own community if we expect those outside of our community to respect us and grant us the equality we are seeking.   We need to break down the walls and social stigmas that keep us apart within our own community before we can hope to break them down in the world as a whole.  Maybe one reason why the Transgender group holds themselves apart is because just like the bisexual group they don't feel connected or a part of either the gay or lesbian group, and maybe the gay and lesbian group don't feel connected to each other because they feel that their gender is the separating factor and that they aren't connected at all.

Again, I am asking you to bear with me as I go down this road, because I think that we need to destroy the walls that separate us if we want to be accepted and achieve the social standing and rights our community is desperately fighting for, including the right to Gay Marriage.   The term Gay is a noun that is used to describe homosexual behavior.  Homosexual or homosexuality is sexual attraction, activity or behavior between the same sex. Therefore, utilizing that definition there is no real thing as Lesbians or Gays there is only homosexuals.  Bisexuals hover on the edge of that, and transgenders fall into this category regardless of gender assignment.  Overall, I guess what I am trying to say and probably doing a horrible job trying to make the points clear.  Because the Gay Community is compromised of all ethnic groups and cultures, this makes the group fluid and hard to see, therefore it is hard for lawmakers and others to see it as a separate group.  Internally we break ourselves into groups, or in other words we segregate ourselves voluntarily.  If we want to win the right to marry and ensure that the protections against violence and discrimination remain in place we need to come together and unify ourselves first before anyone else will do this for us.

As a community we need to learn the meaning of community, we need to figure out how we as a group can experience the fellowship and brotherhood that I have seen in the African-American culture. From an early age they learn that they are stronger as a whole and the community stands together as one, they can lean on each other, and they have each others back. Now, this might be a matter of perspective since I am on the outside looking into that community.  I will admit that I have been in interracial relationships before and that I prefer to date African-American men, but I have been always on the outside never truly understanding the subtle nuances of the entire culture.  Yet, I see that only way the Equality that the Gay Community wants and needs can only be achieved if we come together and unify, and we break down the barriers within our own community.  In all honesty the basic tenets and freedoms have already been granted us, protections against violence, discrimination, are already enacted into law.  Gay activists and lobbyist groups are already formed, we have organized marches and leadership and focus groups to demand greater awareness, training and funding for HIV/AIDS.  What is missing is the right to marry or have our unions recognized by the state and federal governments and the ability to have the rights and responsibilities that married heterosexual couples experience today.

Again, the only way that this can be achieved is through unity, and unifying our community by promoting a sense of unity, acceptance and love.  Promoting a true sense of community that is currently missing in our gay culture today because of our segregated ideals that we have placed upon ourselves is the only way we can achieve the equality and acceptance we are looking for.

I would appreciate your comments and feedback. I would love to hear if you agree or disagree with me.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B