Walk away While you Can. You don't know when your last moment will be.

I may be preaching to the choir, but many of you don't seem to realize the truth behind the message that I am trying to send out to you.  For years I lived in Atlanta, and in 2012 I moved back to Florida because I was having severe issues with my kidneys and many of my doctors thought that I wasn't going to make it.  When my father offered to buy me a ticket from Atlanta home, I took the offer and I have been fortunate ever since.  I have been back and forth to Atlanta many times since then, my last visit was in 2014.  I had gotten stuck there and ended up landing at my friend Chris Tucker's house and stayed with him till I could find a way back home to Florida.  I had gone weeks without my medication and had run out of Colostomy bags and I was in a miserable place spiritually and emotionally.  If it wasn't for my ex's mother, caring about me I would have gotten much worse than I was, she took time out of her schedule and drove me to the VA hospital in Atlanta, and got me some Colostomy bags so that I could hold on till I found a way back home.

But it is now 2018 and the world has gotten darker and each morning I wake up to news that I have lost another friend or acquaintance because of an overdose.  Drugs have become a major problem for the middle and lower class society here in America and it isn't getting better no matter how much money the government spends on their war against drugs.  Prescription pain killers, Methamphetamines and Heroine are the drugs on the street, easy to come by and readily available.  Fentanyl is being used to cut many of the substances that are readily available to drug users and is the leading cause of death from ODing.  Since 2017 I have lost close to 150 friends and acquaintances to overdose, and that is way too high.  The number needs to be zero!

By December of 2017 I had my fill of the drug culture and society that Daytona Beach, Florida hosted. I was tired of being homeless, hungry, scrounging for drugs and constant theft.  I was tired of freeloaders and others that were just around because they knew that I was connected and could find them their next fix.   So I packed up what few things I had left and I moved to Jacksonville, FL where I started over.  Within a few months I was on my feet and doing well for myself.  I had gotten a job, got myself back into care and was making improvements in my life.  Things were going good for me and I wanted to share them with my boyfriend and partner, Dominic.  Unfortunately, after being in Jacksonville for a week he decided that he missed the old life so much that he went back to it and left me sitting at home.  He kept saying that he was coming back that he wanted to be with me, but every opportunity he had he squandered and stayed struggling with his addiction in Daytona.  Now there is a reason why I am telling you all of this and it is to paint a picture for you and to tell you my story.  What happened to me and why I am thankful now that I am finally clean.  The setbacks and mistakes that I made along the way and how I am focusing on myself to avoid making them again.  Each of us can relapse at any moment, it happens, and it is something to be expected from time to time.  But let me tell you something that you might not be aware of.  You never know when you draw up that last shot or snort your next line if it might be your last.  God is with you and is going to continue to be with you, but He only gives people so many chances to change their ways before he takes those chances away.

In late February I started talking with a friend of mine and Dominic's, I listened to what he told me, which turned out to be my mistake, because I went from the frying pan into the fire.  Will had painted a picture of Dominic that was very easy to imagine, used words and arguments that Dominic and I had in the past that only could have been come from him to Will.  Will had me so convinced that Dominic didn't love me and that Will was the better person who was going to come and take care of me and sweep me off my feet.  The reality was so much different then the fairy tale, let me tell you.  Yes, Will did show up and get a job within the first couple of days being there, but the cost of bringing him down from Pennsylvania, and then the expense of having stay with me, began to take a heavy toll.  Not to mention that he chose to leave the 1st week of April supposedly to go to court, yet I found documents that he left behind showed that he really didn't have court, he just took off.  Trying to minimize my losses I tried to close my bank account which never happened because he over drafted it by 800.00.  I ended up cancelling the credit card that was used to rent the car he drove to Pennsylvania, but even today I am being sued by Hertz because there was damage to the car, it was turned in late and in the wrong city.  Now let's talk about the reason why he left.  Plain and simple he brought drugs into the home after he was told not too.  I ended up doing them with him and relapsed.  He got funny and stayed away from me but accused me of trying to pick up the neighbor and some random kid off the street.  It got so bad that he got physical with me and when that happened it was literally over between us.  Dominic and I were together 3 1/2 years before there was any violence between us, and after all the fighting Dominic and I had been through and the associated abuse, there was no way I was taking it from someone else.  I was determined and shut myself totally down.  I wouldn't give Will a break nor another chance.  It just wasn't in the cards.

Meanwhile Dominic had been left in the cold and locked up in jail in Volusia county because he failed to appear in court even though I had sent him back in enough time to make the court date.  Because I was so angry with him and I wanted to make sure that he was the right person for me, I wrote him a detailed letter explaining what I thought I knew, everything that Will had told me, I explained that I understood that he wasn't attracted to me and didn't want to be with me and that Will was there now and we had made plans and things were going good.  I did however send Dominic a care package as I normally would have but I let him sit in jail. I really thought it was the best thing to do and I thought that it would teach Dominic a lesson and everything would turn out for the better.  What I didn't know is that my roommate's partner was going to die and that my dad was going to find out that he had stage 4 inoperable lung cancer and that my world was going to fall back apart.

I ended up going back to Daytona, at first to get some drugs because my roommate really needed them to cope with the passing of his partner.  But I went back on the promise of making some money by helping a friend try and get a car.  I figured this would help me recover some of the losses I took when Will left.  But it only made my life so much worse.  I ended up getting my car, wallet and Iphone stolen.  My checking account was flooded with fraudulent transactions and I got extremely sick and ended up in the hospital from the end of May till the beginning of June and then to make matter worse from June 20th through the end of the month, then ended up back in there from the 1st of July till the 28th.  Again my car was stolen and this time was involved in a couple of accidents.  I lost my place in Jacksonville, was strung back out on drugs the entire time I was in Daytona and was extremely sick on top of it.

Dominic got out of jail while I was going through this series of events and was so angry with me for the way that I left him and let him sit in jail that he wouldn't talk to me and only wanted to fight with me.  This made my situation that much worse because the one person who I thought would understand what I was going through would be him.  But he turned his back on me and left me to my own devices, which on hindsight was probably for the best.  In Mid-July my father and I had a blow out my step mother drove me to the McDonalds.  I ended up having a minor heart attack and ended up back in the hospital till the end of July, Dominic got caught shoplifting again and was in jail and I ended up having no place to go when I got out of the hospital.  I ended up calling my life long friend Judy in Orlando and asking her if I could come and stay with her till I could get on my feet again.  I have been here since July and it is now Mid-December and I am still here.  Dominic and I eventually start talking and set our differences aside and made up with one another and when he finally got out of jail I brought him to Orlando to stay with me and Judy.  Unfortunately, that wasn't going to last because in October when I took Dominic back to Daytona to court he met up with some friends to get some of his clothes and jewelry and the next thing I know he has brought drugs into the house.

This led to major problems.  Both of us relapsed and he ended up cheating on me with someone else and I got hurt. He fought with my friend and roommate and was asked to leave.  It wasn't pretty, but it is what it is.  I took him to a friends in Deland where his relapse continued till he ended up back in jail on November 25th.  He is still in jail today but we are hopeful that he will be out by the 19th of December and we will be able to finally spend our first Christmas together. Since we have never been able to share a Thanksgiving, my birthday or Christmas together since we got together in 2013.

I went into this whole story to show that everyone no matter how hard they try is prone to relapsing and falling back into a habit and pattern of usage over and over again no matter how far or how hard they have tried to get away from the drugs and the people that have them.  Because we are all human and we suffer from anxiety, depression, insecurities it is hard to stay away from a long term habit like that. I used to think that by changing the people you hang around, the place you live and your entire surroundings that you could totally escape it.  That isn't the truth! It will be a life long battle trust me when I tell you this.

But now let me talk to you about the friends and loved ones that weren't so fortunate as me and Dominic, those that didn't escape the epidemic that is sweeping the nation and the world.  Many of my friends are no longer here, so it is my job to convey to you their story to leave with you the last thought that they each had before the past from this world to the next.  Like Dominic and I they thought that it would never happen to them, that they were stronger than the addiction and that they could do just one more line, one more shot and it would be okay.  But, in all cases they were wrong.  My dear friend Jade was found outside of an abandoned resort so desiccated that they could not identify her by anything other than the serial number on the pacemaker that was installed in her heart because like many of the young ladies in Daytona she contracted Cardio myelitis and cardiotoxicity associated Methamphetamine usage.  Neil was found blue and in his car dead because of a hot shot that had been laced with heroine.  So many other I could name have lost their lives to drug use and overdosing.  But drug use alone is not the only cause of loss of life, many of the gay people I know are heavy into the use of methamphetamine to get their high and intensify the feeling of sexual activity. Many of them have poor diet and end up forgetting or stop taking their medications and before you know it they have complications to HIV/AIDS that they are dealing with.

To sum up what I am feeling and the fears that I have for you I am going to include an earlier post that I made a couple of days ago.  But first let me tell you that each time you pick up that needle, make your next line, you are taking your own life into your own hands.  You think that you are strong enough, that you don't have an addictive personality or you can handle it just one more time.  You are wrong too many of our friend are no longer here because they too thought that way and felt that they could beat back the addiction that was plaguing them.  We are not strong enough alone to combat this demon, and it will never be a battle that can be fought and one by a single decision. This is a life long commitment and a struggle that will consume you for months and possibly years to come.  But I have known others that have fought and won, some days are harder than the next, some days might be easier to cope, but after a time the fight will become second nature to you and you will stop focusing on the battle and will begin living again.  Reach out to those around you, tell them about your issues, your addictions and ask them for help. The first step in dealing with a problem is knowingly acknowledging that you have one.  Do not be ashamed to ask for help or guidance it may just save your life.  So now I want to dedicate this to my fallen friends, lost loved ones and anyone else who is battling this dreaded demon of Drug addiction.

To all the friends, family, loved ones, acquaintances that I have lost my heart goes out to you and I want you to know that my world has become less bright and so much smaller since you are no longer in it:

Listen everyday I wake up and the world has become a smaller place. I have lost too many friends, relatives, and people I care about to this drug epidemic that has hit Florida. My heart is in Daytona Beach and everyday some is ODing or getting locked up. What will it take to get you to see that the few minutes of a high is not worth your life! The grief you have to go through to get the stuff, not to mention the constant loss of clothes, material possessions, the couch visitors and homelessness that accompanies it all. The daily struggle, the daily loss, sickness and just miserable feelings!

Please understand I am your friend I am trying to look out for you. I got tired of being walked on, homeless, struggling for food and housing, I got fed up with asking for help and never finding it. The constant drama that followed not being able to always supply demand. I want better for all of us. I want to stay clean and sober, if I could I would continue to help everyone!

Yet, I reached a limit and had to put myself first. Everyone else second. It doesn’t mean I love you less, it means that I finally realized that if I am not clean I cannot expect anyone else to get there either. That if I couldn’t take care of myself I couldn’t help anyone else. I am struggling right now but I am moving forward. Staying away from the drugs and bettering myself. I have a hope for the future and I am working hard to create a reality of safety and security. I am going to get this right and lead others to follow me.

We have lost enough, suffered enough, endured enough. We have survived so far and have changed, grown stronger and wiser. We have heard it all, know all the excuses and will not tolerate anything but the best from the rest of you. Join me we can beat this thing together. Grow stronger and make a difference!

-B

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

A little story can lift your heart and soul

Have you ever watched a feel good movie and felt better about yourself and your life afterwards? I did just tonight.  I watched a movie called "Fishbowl California", a movie I knew absolutely nothing about, and it lifted my spirits and gave me some peace of mind.  The story is seemingly ordinary about the life of a man battling cheating girlfriend, unemployment, homelessness, and plain old bad luck.  I felt like I could relate to the main character and have experienced much of the same issues that he was.  He met an older woman that challenged him, and in the long run changed his life.  As I said it was a feel good movie, with everyday challenges and life issues, but throughout the comedy/drama you began to feel something for the characters and were pulled into the story along with the pain that each one was feeling.  It isn't every day that a film comes along and makes me feel the way this one did. 

In the story the main character suffered from being homeless, aimless, and having no thoughts other than himself, yet along the way he runs into a tough older woman, with a gruff exterior and tender interior that she hides from everyone including herself and her daughter.  You find out that she is sick and possibly dying, in mourning for her husband who has passed and has finally given up on living and is just existing day by day.  She is a drunk and has a tough exterior, she takes no bull from anyone yet has a kind heart.  Our main character is caught stealing from her and she puts him to work, fixing up the house and cleaning up the yard.  Pressure from her daughter to take better care of herself and to get some help.  In an attempt to do that she lets the guy stay with her, but he starts to understand that her drinking is a form of avoidance from life and her illness.  The daughter appeals to the young man to help her make sure that the mother starts taking her medication daily.  This causes a rift in the household and the old lady throws the young man out.

She starts regretting how she treated the young man and begins taking care of herself and stops drinking totally.  Within a couple weeks go by and the young man comes by the house to see how the lady is doing only to find that a memorial service is going on.  Thinking that the lady has passed away he starts talking about how the woman helped him find himself and took a chance on him when no one else would.  This turns out to be a joke and he passes out.  When he wakes up he finds that she had decided to give her old self a funeral.  She had decided to put her house up for sale and move to Hawaii, apparently the ocean air will be good for her health. As such she decided to give something to the young man who had inadvertently helped her give up drinking and changed her life for the better. 

This story reminds me so much of something I wrote a lot about in earlier blog posts about not knowing where a casual conversation will lead you, or how your interactions with someone might benefit them in some way that you couldn't have foreseen.  Life is like that in so many ways, we don't know who is looking at us or why.  Others might find hope or inspiration in how you are living your life, or could be gaining strength from your struggles.  I would like to remind each of us to live as an example for others to follow.  Believe in yourself, and know that everyone out there is going through something.  You are not struggling alone, and there are people out there who see you.  You may not even know them.  Others might find inspiration in your life, your story and your struggles.  You might be helping people without even being aware of it.  Everything you do has far reaching effects on those around you and the environment in which you life. 

Take the time to talk to strangers, introduce yourself too them, tell them your story.  You might be just the thing that they need to help them get to the next step or progress past an issue that is heavy for them.  You never know but each of us has come through so much, done things that others have been afraid to do and we have grown from our efforts.  Others, can benefit from you in small or even big ways if you just take the time to express yourself to them.  I have often been accused of never meeting a stranger and that is partly true.  Every opportunity I get I talk to others about the things that I have been through, my illnesses, my victories and even my defeats.  I talk to them about my struggles with addiction and depression and I try to help others by writing my story in my blog.  I want people around me to see hope, to gain inspiration and joy from getting to know me.  I hope to be someone that helps others around me and teach them how to be the same for those that look to them.

My dad has told me that I can't save everyone, that I have to be smart about how I go about helping other people, and that I shouldn't let them take advantage of me.  Sometimes, I get to involved and wrapped up in myself that I don't even notice when someone is using me or trying to take advantage, so I have started distancing myself.  But I have begun to see how many people look at my life and they are trying to better themselves by using my examples to help themselves around the issues that plague them.  This is a form of helping and is a by product of merely just living my life the best way that I know how.

For many years I led people into the drug world and at times that I thought I was helping them, I was actually enabling them to continue in their abuse and addiction.  Only by walking away from the scene myself and encouraging others to do so have I truly been a help.  I may have provided a safe warm place that they could indulge themselves, but I wasn't really helping like I thought I was.  I have taken so many people off of the streets, and thought I was giving them a chance to better themselves and help them get off of drugs, but what was really happening was I was allowing them to continue in their habit without recourse or consequence to their actions.  The weren't on the streets anymore I was providing them with housing, food, and often times more drugs.  In effect I was keeping myself surrounded by similar types of people so I didn't feel so guilty about what I was doing, and I convinced myself that I was actually helping others.  Some I may have, others maybe not so much, but in the end I learned more about myself and what I really wanted out of life.

Drug addiction is not a game, and it really takes work to remain sober, each day is a constant battle of the soul versus the mind and it never gets easier.  If you truly want to help someone get out of that situation the only way to really do is it is to have a zero drug tolerance policy and enforce it.  Otherwise you are just fostering an addiction and enabling the person to keep using.  Recovery is not something that can be undertaken lightly and must be committed too from the very start.  No ifs, ands, or excuses about it.  I know that the methods that I used to employ were not effective for treating an illness, they were a way for me to surround myself by like minded people and feel better about myself and what I was doing.  Even though I had their best interest at heart my methods were suspect and the help that I gave wasn't effective.  I have since changed my thoughts on this and I still try to help those around me who need helping but I have different ideas now about how to go about it and what I am willing to accept in my life and what I am willing to do to help them.

I won't be buying the drugs, will not allow them to be used in my home and I will not let someone manipulate me into falling for the "Just one more time routine". Enough is enough too many of my friends have died or gotten so sick from drugs that it really isn't worth it.  Life is the most precious gift we are given and to squander that and to through it away is not something I want to help with anymore.  I am so proud of my friends who have started down the road of recovery and are celebrating their sobriety.  I wished I would have learned this to help more people earlier.  But I am with you in this battle now and I am not giving up and neither should you.

As always you are in my hopes and dreams,
Uncle B