A little story can lift your heart and soul

Have you ever watched a feel good movie and felt better about yourself and your life afterwards? I did just tonight.  I watched a movie called "Fishbowl California", a movie I knew absolutely nothing about, and it lifted my spirits and gave me some peace of mind.  The story is seemingly ordinary about the life of a man battling cheating girlfriend, unemployment, homelessness, and plain old bad luck.  I felt like I could relate to the main character and have experienced much of the same issues that he was.  He met an older woman that challenged him, and in the long run changed his life.  As I said it was a feel good movie, with everyday challenges and life issues, but throughout the comedy/drama you began to feel something for the characters and were pulled into the story along with the pain that each one was feeling.  It isn't every day that a film comes along and makes me feel the way this one did. 

In the story the main character suffered from being homeless, aimless, and having no thoughts other than himself, yet along the way he runs into a tough older woman, with a gruff exterior and tender interior that she hides from everyone including herself and her daughter.  You find out that she is sick and possibly dying, in mourning for her husband who has passed and has finally given up on living and is just existing day by day.  She is a drunk and has a tough exterior, she takes no bull from anyone yet has a kind heart.  Our main character is caught stealing from her and she puts him to work, fixing up the house and cleaning up the yard.  Pressure from her daughter to take better care of herself and to get some help.  In an attempt to do that she lets the guy stay with her, but he starts to understand that her drinking is a form of avoidance from life and her illness.  The daughter appeals to the young man to help her make sure that the mother starts taking her medication daily.  This causes a rift in the household and the old lady throws the young man out.

She starts regretting how she treated the young man and begins taking care of herself and stops drinking totally.  Within a couple weeks go by and the young man comes by the house to see how the lady is doing only to find that a memorial service is going on.  Thinking that the lady has passed away he starts talking about how the woman helped him find himself and took a chance on him when no one else would.  This turns out to be a joke and he passes out.  When he wakes up he finds that she had decided to give her old self a funeral.  She had decided to put her house up for sale and move to Hawaii, apparently the ocean air will be good for her health. As such she decided to give something to the young man who had inadvertently helped her give up drinking and changed her life for the better. 

This story reminds me so much of something I wrote a lot about in earlier blog posts about not knowing where a casual conversation will lead you, or how your interactions with someone might benefit them in some way that you couldn't have foreseen.  Life is like that in so many ways, we don't know who is looking at us or why.  Others might find hope or inspiration in how you are living your life, or could be gaining strength from your struggles.  I would like to remind each of us to live as an example for others to follow.  Believe in yourself, and know that everyone out there is going through something.  You are not struggling alone, and there are people out there who see you.  You may not even know them.  Others might find inspiration in your life, your story and your struggles.  You might be helping people without even being aware of it.  Everything you do has far reaching effects on those around you and the environment in which you life. 

Take the time to talk to strangers, introduce yourself too them, tell them your story.  You might be just the thing that they need to help them get to the next step or progress past an issue that is heavy for them.  You never know but each of us has come through so much, done things that others have been afraid to do and we have grown from our efforts.  Others, can benefit from you in small or even big ways if you just take the time to express yourself to them.  I have often been accused of never meeting a stranger and that is partly true.  Every opportunity I get I talk to others about the things that I have been through, my illnesses, my victories and even my defeats.  I talk to them about my struggles with addiction and depression and I try to help others by writing my story in my blog.  I want people around me to see hope, to gain inspiration and joy from getting to know me.  I hope to be someone that helps others around me and teach them how to be the same for those that look to them.

My dad has told me that I can't save everyone, that I have to be smart about how I go about helping other people, and that I shouldn't let them take advantage of me.  Sometimes, I get to involved and wrapped up in myself that I don't even notice when someone is using me or trying to take advantage, so I have started distancing myself.  But I have begun to see how many people look at my life and they are trying to better themselves by using my examples to help themselves around the issues that plague them.  This is a form of helping and is a by product of merely just living my life the best way that I know how.

For many years I led people into the drug world and at times that I thought I was helping them, I was actually enabling them to continue in their abuse and addiction.  Only by walking away from the scene myself and encouraging others to do so have I truly been a help.  I may have provided a safe warm place that they could indulge themselves, but I wasn't really helping like I thought I was.  I have taken so many people off of the streets, and thought I was giving them a chance to better themselves and help them get off of drugs, but what was really happening was I was allowing them to continue in their habit without recourse or consequence to their actions.  The weren't on the streets anymore I was providing them with housing, food, and often times more drugs.  In effect I was keeping myself surrounded by similar types of people so I didn't feel so guilty about what I was doing, and I convinced myself that I was actually helping others.  Some I may have, others maybe not so much, but in the end I learned more about myself and what I really wanted out of life.

Drug addiction is not a game, and it really takes work to remain sober, each day is a constant battle of the soul versus the mind and it never gets easier.  If you truly want to help someone get out of that situation the only way to really do is it is to have a zero drug tolerance policy and enforce it.  Otherwise you are just fostering an addiction and enabling the person to keep using.  Recovery is not something that can be undertaken lightly and must be committed too from the very start.  No ifs, ands, or excuses about it.  I know that the methods that I used to employ were not effective for treating an illness, they were a way for me to surround myself by like minded people and feel better about myself and what I was doing.  Even though I had their best interest at heart my methods were suspect and the help that I gave wasn't effective.  I have since changed my thoughts on this and I still try to help those around me who need helping but I have different ideas now about how to go about it and what I am willing to accept in my life and what I am willing to do to help them.

I won't be buying the drugs, will not allow them to be used in my home and I will not let someone manipulate me into falling for the "Just one more time routine". Enough is enough too many of my friends have died or gotten so sick from drugs that it really isn't worth it.  Life is the most precious gift we are given and to squander that and to through it away is not something I want to help with anymore.  I am so proud of my friends who have started down the road of recovery and are celebrating their sobriety.  I wished I would have learned this to help more people earlier.  But I am with you in this battle now and I am not giving up and neither should you.

As always you are in my hopes and dreams,
Uncle B

No take backs

What's done is done and I cannot change the facts.  All I can do is face the results of my decisions and take responsibility for my actions.  For several years I was an advocate and public speaker, volunteer and committee member of the PCHAP in Volusia county.  I worked closely with a gentleman named Jeff Allen and he introduced me in to the world of advocacy and education.  It is with a heavy heart that I am writing this tonight because on July 28th in a tragic accident Jeff lost his life and left behind his life partner and best friend Jim Geary.  It is to my everlasting shame that I wasn't there for Jim or the other members of the Positive Champions Speakers Bureau through the loss of their leader and mentor Jeff.

In 2014 my life started to fall apart at the seems my lover Kerry Rutherford Jr. left me and went back to Atlanta, and from there I started on the downward spiral.  What transpired in my life was not triggered by the my loss of my friend and partner alone,  but I made it worse by my turning back to drugs and dependence on them to get me through the day.  I was in and out of the hospital from 2014 to 2017 with chronic renal failure, Hep C and Renal Carcinoma and esophagus cancer.  Financial issues and homelessness became a constant struggle for me and I soon lost the ability to volunteer and attend the duties that I had signed up for.

Jeff was there for me during these times, would come see me and talk to me whenever I picked up the phone and called him.  Jeff, understood me and accepted me for the person I was with all of my flaws and all because he suffered from similar addictions and knew the battle that I was facing.  I never saw sympathy or ridicule in his eyes only love, compassion and understanding.  He always had a kind word for me and a smile and told me that I was welcome back when I got my life turned around.  Unfortunately, my turning around of my life took too long and I have lost my friend and champion when he passed away. 

I have finally gotten through my own recovery and I am healthy again, I won my battle with cancer and hep C and I have overcome the addiction issues that were holding me back.  I wish my friend Jeff could have lived to see my victory.  He was and is an inspiration to me and his story has helped me deal with my own issues and move forward with my life.  I am so glad that I met him when I did and he helped me in so many ways.  He was the one who encouraged me to write and helped me get myself together a few times over the past 7 years or so.    It is my hope that I will be able to leave my imprint on this world in a loving manner that he did.  I may not be the advocate or champion that he was, and I may not have made as many contributions to the HIV/AIDS community as he has done.  But he encouraged me to write and to help others through my writing and I have continued to do that despite my struggles.

I can only hope that my life will be an inspiration and testimony like his was.  He was a shining beacon of light and hope that drew others together to champion a cause. He was relentless and once started something fought for victory and would accept nothing less. 

I cannot take back my actions and I have no way to change what has come to pass already, all I have the ability to do is continue forward and make positive changes in my life and help as many people as I can by following his example.  When I see a need I need to address it in the appropriate manner and strive to make a permanent change in our world.  Equality, fear and persecution are still things that we as a community are still fighting for and against today.  Jeff had a huge heart and a loud voice that was heard around the world and throughout our community.  I can only hope and pray that my voice will carry like his did. 

As I stated earlier there are no take backs but there are areas for which improvement can be made and I would like to dedicate myself in the memory of my friend Jeff Allen to always fight for the underdog, advocate for greater equality and better funding and healthcare, housing and the needs of the HIV/AIDS community.

I am going to miss my friend more then ever.  But I hope that I can do some good and effect positive change in this world.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you, Jeff,  I hope that you are Mary are looking down and can see that you both impact my life in different ways, but have been the driving force behind many of my actions.

I am going to miss you my friends and I will see you soon.

Bryan

HIV Facts...Educate yourself!

Some of you may know that I am working with the Positive Champions Speakers Bureau in Daytona Beach, Florida.  Trying to raise the awareness of HIV/AIDS within the community and trying to dispel some of the myths and misconceptions that surround the disease by working on a play to be performed on World's AIDS Day.

And here are some of the more interesting facts that you should be aware of:

1. HIV/AIDS is not a discerner of persons.  Meaning it doesn't give a shit who you are! You could be rich, famous, poor, unknown, male, female, straight, gay, green, purple or blue. It just doesn't care.
2. You do not have to promiscuous to get it. That's right folks, it is possible to get it the first time out.  Remember even if you haven't been sexually active it doesn't mean your partner hasn't. You are sleeping not only with them, but everyone they have ever been with.
3.  3 out of 5 people walking around today are infected and don't even know it.  Get Tested Often. You owe it to yourself and to your partners
4. You can be infected and never have a symptom or feel sick.  Know your Status!
5. Condoms are only 95% effective in stopping the disease.  Be smart about who you sleep with!
6. Be aware that there are people out there that are looking to get infected.  Bug-Chasers, they are under the misconception that after you get it, you can sleep with whomever, without caution.
7. Bareback is dangerous. If both people are Positive, they can still re-infect each other with different strains and create a super strain that is drug resistant.  Understand the risks you take.
8. Positive and Negative couples cannot survive.  Wrong educate yourselves, know your limitations, and what can be done safely.  You can have a terribly effective relationship if your are honest and know what to expect.
9. HIV/AIDS cannot be spread by causal contact. Hugs, sharing drinking glass, eating off a persons fork, using the toilet after. HIV is a fragile virus that dies when exposed to air, soap and water and bleach.
10. HIV/AIDS cannot be spread by kissing or through saliva, you would have to drink over a gallon and have some kind of ulcer or soar in the mouth. Saliva's acidity kills the virus.
11. HIV/AIDS doesn't have the ability or the strength to penetrate the outer layer of the body. In other words, unless it finds an open wound or other way passed the epidermis, it cannot get inside of you.
12. HIV/AIDS is an epidemic and affects you whether you are aware of it or not.  It affects those around you, the health care system, the pharmaceutical structure and a myriad of other things. People you love and who love you may be ill.  There is no gulf, anyone you meet or contact may be positive.
13. Remember, you cannot necessarily tell that a person is ill by looking at them. They may have no symptoms.
14. Just because you have been diagnosed with HIV doesn't necessarily mean you are going to die.  There are new drugs on the market with more being released all the time that can allow you to live a relatively normal life for 30 years or more now.
15. Undetectable does not mean you are not contagious! You still have the disease at the lowest possible numbers in your blood, but it is still present and can be spread!
16. HIV doesn't mean you have AIDS. Converting to Full AIDS is a process, t-cells must be below 200.  Remember it could take an untreated HIV infection 8 to 10 years to become AIDS.
17. It is the fear of ridicule, the shame and guilt that keep us from revealing our status.  There are others like you, who are going through what you have.  We will be your friends and family if other's abandon you.  www.positivechampions.org You don't ever have to feel alone!
18.  Is there ever a good time to tell your partner or potential partner you're status? No, you must make the effort, make a moment, be responsible.
19. Rejection hurts, yes it does, but you must be fair and honest with your feelings and status to have a successful union.  The other person deserves the right to make the choice! Be understanding. Hope for the best but plan for the worst is my motto.

There are so many more of these that I could write about, but I think you get the picture I am trying to paint.  As I said at the beginning of this entry, I am working on a play.  This play is about these things and so much more.  I have tentatively entitled it "You Just Never Know", it is my dream and goal that once it is performed the first time. That I will be able to publish it, and it will be a program that is put on everywhere to raise awareness and understanding, to quell some of the myths and misconceptions.  It will inspire hope, calm the fears, ease the guilt and shame, and finally to put a face on the disease.  I want you to identify with the characters, feel the angst and trepidation that they face, their isolation, their fear of discovery, and the persecution that follows by family, friends, co-workers and how hard it is to truly find an accepting and loving partner.  No one ever truly wants to be alone, I believe we are all social creatures, we need to feel love, we deserve it.  We are still human after all.  I want you to love me, hate the disease I have, remember that I am still the same person, I have just had a bad turn.

There are haters out there that once your down, are more than happy to keep kicking holding you and down.  They fear you, they don't understand, the are ignorant of the facts.  Please understand that you can face them and over come their comments, their pettiness and you deserve, and demand to be treated with dignity and respect.  Keep in mind that if we say nothing, do nothing, we are propagating the paranoia, the myths, the misconceptions, we are turning our backs on each other.  We are only as strong as our weakest link. Even in the gay community we are outsiders and outcasts, if we do not come together, build our own network, our own advocacy groups, and raise our voices in a chorus of one.  We will never truly be accepted, the demands of a cure will never be forced.  United we are that much more powerful, our voices can and will be heard.  We will not stand to be put on the back burner, we will not let our unfortunate encounter with this disease silence us and put us back in the closet, or hide us in the shadows.  We are the past, We are the Future, We are the Hope and We are no longer going to be quite victims.  And You know why? Because you can only be a victim if you allow it.  You  are a champion and you are not ever truly alone. You have strength, courage, and a life to live. So live it to the fullest, acknowledge your limitations, and move into the light!  Remember that  EVIL lurks in darkness, plays in shadows and causes mischief. LOVE lives in the light, dispels the shadows and brings forgiveness. 

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B