Over the past few days the topic of love has been brought up to me by several people. One of my best friends in Ft. Lauderdale has been going through some stuff with his boyfriend and has begun to question his idea of love. Even I have been questioning it a great deal lately, because the person I am interested in has been MIA (missing in action). Then there is my friend Tony in Atlanta that I have been thinking about and the conversations we had while I was visiting up there last month. All of these discussions have prompted me to look a little closer at love, and what I really know about it.
See I am not a typical gay person, until recently I have always been in a long term relationships. In a way I have been in one relationship after another for the first 30 years of my life. After my relationship with Joe ended I seem to have had a series of short term relationships ranging from a couple of months to three years, but even though I have been in relationships and been with men all of my life, I wonder if I have ever truly been in love.
See, love is suppose to make things easy between two people and bring them from separate individuals into a couple. It is supposed to make them stronger, bring them closer together, unite them. When two people are truly in love with one another it is almost like a drug, they are intoxicated by each others presence and hate to be alone. The couple ignore the flaws and faults of the other, they accept them for themselves. They enjoy spending time together and talking about everything. There are no secrets between them and they trust each other completely. They want only the best for their partner and wish them good fortune and happiness at every turn. They love doing little things and creating surprises, they bring out the best in each other and push them to reach their limits. Love creates a patient understanding between the two of them and conflict is less because they fit together so well.
Since I have been in good relationships and bad relationships and have stayed with people way longer than I should have, I think I have a good handle on what relationships entail. But, still I wonder if any of the relationships I have been in really were based on love, or were they more a partnership? Or a joining of forces to reach the next level or step in life? To be honest, I think that maybe the reason why those relationships of the past didn't last forever was because they weren't based on love, but more a joining of partners like a business partnership. Maybe I am still waiting for the right person to come along, my soulmate so to speak. Who honestly knows at this point!
This is what I know about love: Love is kind, considerate, never boastful, it is trusting, full of compassion and understanding, it is patient and kind, giving and most of all it is forgiving. Love allows us to accept ourselves and others, including their likes, dislikes, their goodness and their faults. Love is never envious, it is always gentle, yet when it needs to be it can be firm. Love doesn't judge or find fault, it is unconditionally given and is always greatest when it is shared. Love is a seed that is planted, tended patiently and blooms with spectacular colors and passions. It unites us and binds us, it gives us hope for the future, and strength to overcome any obstacle. Love has the ability to span time and distance, bridge gaps in cultures, ethnicities and social barriers. Yet love also blinds us to the frailties of the spirit, but uplifts us and gives us the ability to overcome disabilities, limitations and stigmas.
Love isn't hard, it doesn't hurt and if it does there is something extremely wrong. Love unites, never separates, it doesn't thrive in strife and anger, it withers and grows thorns. There is a fine line between love and hate they say and if your aren't careful you can cross that line. Yet, somehow I don't believe that is honestly true, because if there is love in your heart, and you look through compassionate eyes, there can be no hate. Love counters hate, it is a light that guides us, it is what make a house feel like home, it makes our partner feel like part of us, that where one of us ends the other begins, it is a circle and the ring that is used to symbolize love and the union of a couple is symbolic of the circle. You can forgive anything through love, but you should never forget, because forgetting could possibly lead to you to make the same mistakes again.
What I am trying to say is this, if you find yourself questioning the one you love, look at the circumstances that you find yourselves in. Maybe it isn't the person that you are doubting, but the actions and choices that have brought you to that point. Only you can know what is in your heart and mind, and if you aren't honest with yourself you can never truly be honest with your partner. That my friend isn't love, it is a deception, a lie that you tell yourself so you can sleep at night. See, we can never truly know what another is thinking, their motivations, the forces that are acting upon them, the deceit and deceptions they are playing on themselves and you. But, what we can see and feel is their heart, their intentions may be hidden from us, but their heart is what will give them away, because the actions that follow will be clear. I keep telling others that actions speak louder than words, that the small things you do for each other give clues to the seriousness of their love. See, it is the little things that make it all worthwhile, the little note in their lunch that says "I love You". The unexpected surprise gift, the little note left on the mirror that tells them to smile. The little romantic gestures that seem silly and mundane to the rest of the world but mean so much to you and your partner, those are the tell tale signs of love.
Anyone can utter the words I love you, but do their actions, eyes, and heart show that they do? That is only something you can find out and answer. There really is someone out there for everyone, and we have to find that person, make the connection and when you do it will be awesome and everything you dreamed of. You will know in your heart that they are the one. I don't know how, but I know it is true. I have seen people in love, and felt the warmth radiate from them, I have noticed the gleam in their eye, and I have felt the joy and happiness that they contain, so yes my friends I know that love exists. It isn't some chemical balance that is released into your bloodstream. It is a connection of the soul a binding of the spirit, it is so much more than just two people coming together and muttering words of love. Those types of relationships tend to fail. Love comes from really knowing someone, trusting them completely, it isn't something that just happens, it is a deep an inner connection that grows over time.
Don't fret my friend if you haven't gotten there yet, it will come, just be patient. Oh and one more thing, the strongest and most lasting relationships usually start out as friendships. So don't be fooled when someone tells you they care about you, but they don't want to ruin the friendship, because guess what if that is what they think then they aren't the right one. Because anyone knows that you can't ever truly ruin a friendship, you can make it stronger with love, but see friendships are everlasting, they also require work, but a friend gets over the pain of mistakes and they can work through anything. I have had several blowouts with some of my best friends over the years and I can honestly tell you that no matter what time has healed those wounds and we have always managed to work through our issues and problems and have always come back together. So take it from me, you may have found your love, they could be one of your friends and you both just don't know it yet, because like I said earlier it is a seed that once planted takes time to grow, and when it does you will definitely know.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Showing posts with label tough love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tough love. Show all posts
Monday, October 8, 2012
Thursday, August 30, 2012
HIV Facts...Educate yourself!
Some of you may know that I am working with the Positive Champions Speakers Bureau in Daytona Beach, Florida. Trying to raise the awareness of HIV/AIDS within the community and trying to dispel some of the myths and misconceptions that surround the disease by working on a play to be performed on World's AIDS Day.
And here are some of the more interesting facts that you should be aware of:
1. HIV/AIDS is not a discerner of persons. Meaning it doesn't give a shit who you are! You could be rich, famous, poor, unknown, male, female, straight, gay, green, purple or blue. It just doesn't care.
2. You do not have to promiscuous to get it. That's right folks, it is possible to get it the first time out. Remember even if you haven't been sexually active it doesn't mean your partner hasn't. You are sleeping not only with them, but everyone they have ever been with.
3. 3 out of 5 people walking around today are infected and don't even know it. Get Tested Often. You owe it to yourself and to your partners
4. You can be infected and never have a symptom or feel sick. Know your Status!
5. Condoms are only 95% effective in stopping the disease. Be smart about who you sleep with!
6. Be aware that there are people out there that are looking to get infected. Bug-Chasers, they are under the misconception that after you get it, you can sleep with whomever, without caution.
7. Bareback is dangerous. If both people are Positive, they can still re-infect each other with different strains and create a super strain that is drug resistant. Understand the risks you take.
8. Positive and Negative couples cannot survive. Wrong educate yourselves, know your limitations, and what can be done safely. You can have a terribly effective relationship if your are honest and know what to expect.
9. HIV/AIDS cannot be spread by causal contact. Hugs, sharing drinking glass, eating off a persons fork, using the toilet after. HIV is a fragile virus that dies when exposed to air, soap and water and bleach.
10. HIV/AIDS cannot be spread by kissing or through saliva, you would have to drink over a gallon and have some kind of ulcer or soar in the mouth. Saliva's acidity kills the virus.
11. HIV/AIDS doesn't have the ability or the strength to penetrate the outer layer of the body. In other words, unless it finds an open wound or other way passed the epidermis, it cannot get inside of you.
12. HIV/AIDS is an epidemic and affects you whether you are aware of it or not. It affects those around you, the health care system, the pharmaceutical structure and a myriad of other things. People you love and who love you may be ill. There is no gulf, anyone you meet or contact may be positive.
13. Remember, you cannot necessarily tell that a person is ill by looking at them. They may have no symptoms.
14. Just because you have been diagnosed with HIV doesn't necessarily mean you are going to die. There are new drugs on the market with more being released all the time that can allow you to live a relatively normal life for 30 years or more now.
15. Undetectable does not mean you are not contagious! You still have the disease at the lowest possible numbers in your blood, but it is still present and can be spread!
16. HIV doesn't mean you have AIDS. Converting to Full AIDS is a process, t-cells must be below 200. Remember it could take an untreated HIV infection 8 to 10 years to become AIDS.
17. It is the fear of ridicule, the shame and guilt that keep us from revealing our status. There are others like you, who are going through what you have. We will be your friends and family if other's abandon you. www.positivechampions.org You don't ever have to feel alone!
18. Is there ever a good time to tell your partner or potential partner you're status? No, you must make the effort, make a moment, be responsible.
19. Rejection hurts, yes it does, but you must be fair and honest with your feelings and status to have a successful union. The other person deserves the right to make the choice! Be understanding. Hope for the best but plan for the worst is my motto.
There are so many more of these that I could write about, but I think you get the picture I am trying to paint. As I said at the beginning of this entry, I am working on a play. This play is about these things and so much more. I have tentatively entitled it "You Just Never Know", it is my dream and goal that once it is performed the first time. That I will be able to publish it, and it will be a program that is put on everywhere to raise awareness and understanding, to quell some of the myths and misconceptions. It will inspire hope, calm the fears, ease the guilt and shame, and finally to put a face on the disease. I want you to identify with the characters, feel the angst and trepidation that they face, their isolation, their fear of discovery, and the persecution that follows by family, friends, co-workers and how hard it is to truly find an accepting and loving partner. No one ever truly wants to be alone, I believe we are all social creatures, we need to feel love, we deserve it. We are still human after all. I want you to love me, hate the disease I have, remember that I am still the same person, I have just had a bad turn.
There are haters out there that once your down, are more than happy to keep kicking holding you and down. They fear you, they don't understand, the are ignorant of the facts. Please understand that you can face them and over come their comments, their pettiness and you deserve, and demand to be treated with dignity and respect. Keep in mind that if we say nothing, do nothing, we are propagating the paranoia, the myths, the misconceptions, we are turning our backs on each other. We are only as strong as our weakest link. Even in the gay community we are outsiders and outcasts, if we do not come together, build our own network, our own advocacy groups, and raise our voices in a chorus of one. We will never truly be accepted, the demands of a cure will never be forced. United we are that much more powerful, our voices can and will be heard. We will not stand to be put on the back burner, we will not let our unfortunate encounter with this disease silence us and put us back in the closet, or hide us in the shadows. We are the past, We are the Future, We are the Hope and We are no longer going to be quite victims. And You know why? Because you can only be a victim if you allow it. You are a champion and you are not ever truly alone. You have strength, courage, and a life to live. So live it to the fullest, acknowledge your limitations, and move into the light! Remember that EVIL lurks in darkness, plays in shadows and causes mischief. LOVE lives in the light, dispels the shadows and brings forgiveness.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
And here are some of the more interesting facts that you should be aware of:
1. HIV/AIDS is not a discerner of persons. Meaning it doesn't give a shit who you are! You could be rich, famous, poor, unknown, male, female, straight, gay, green, purple or blue. It just doesn't care.
2. You do not have to promiscuous to get it. That's right folks, it is possible to get it the first time out. Remember even if you haven't been sexually active it doesn't mean your partner hasn't. You are sleeping not only with them, but everyone they have ever been with.
3. 3 out of 5 people walking around today are infected and don't even know it. Get Tested Often. You owe it to yourself and to your partners
4. You can be infected and never have a symptom or feel sick. Know your Status!
5. Condoms are only 95% effective in stopping the disease. Be smart about who you sleep with!
6. Be aware that there are people out there that are looking to get infected. Bug-Chasers, they are under the misconception that after you get it, you can sleep with whomever, without caution.
7. Bareback is dangerous. If both people are Positive, they can still re-infect each other with different strains and create a super strain that is drug resistant. Understand the risks you take.
8. Positive and Negative couples cannot survive. Wrong educate yourselves, know your limitations, and what can be done safely. You can have a terribly effective relationship if your are honest and know what to expect.
9. HIV/AIDS cannot be spread by causal contact. Hugs, sharing drinking glass, eating off a persons fork, using the toilet after. HIV is a fragile virus that dies when exposed to air, soap and water and bleach.
10. HIV/AIDS cannot be spread by kissing or through saliva, you would have to drink over a gallon and have some kind of ulcer or soar in the mouth. Saliva's acidity kills the virus.
11. HIV/AIDS doesn't have the ability or the strength to penetrate the outer layer of the body. In other words, unless it finds an open wound or other way passed the epidermis, it cannot get inside of you.
12. HIV/AIDS is an epidemic and affects you whether you are aware of it or not. It affects those around you, the health care system, the pharmaceutical structure and a myriad of other things. People you love and who love you may be ill. There is no gulf, anyone you meet or contact may be positive.
13. Remember, you cannot necessarily tell that a person is ill by looking at them. They may have no symptoms.
14. Just because you have been diagnosed with HIV doesn't necessarily mean you are going to die. There are new drugs on the market with more being released all the time that can allow you to live a relatively normal life for 30 years or more now.
15. Undetectable does not mean you are not contagious! You still have the disease at the lowest possible numbers in your blood, but it is still present and can be spread!
16. HIV doesn't mean you have AIDS. Converting to Full AIDS is a process, t-cells must be below 200. Remember it could take an untreated HIV infection 8 to 10 years to become AIDS.
17. It is the fear of ridicule, the shame and guilt that keep us from revealing our status. There are others like you, who are going through what you have. We will be your friends and family if other's abandon you. www.positivechampions.org You don't ever have to feel alone!
18. Is there ever a good time to tell your partner or potential partner you're status? No, you must make the effort, make a moment, be responsible.
19. Rejection hurts, yes it does, but you must be fair and honest with your feelings and status to have a successful union. The other person deserves the right to make the choice! Be understanding. Hope for the best but plan for the worst is my motto.
There are so many more of these that I could write about, but I think you get the picture I am trying to paint. As I said at the beginning of this entry, I am working on a play. This play is about these things and so much more. I have tentatively entitled it "You Just Never Know", it is my dream and goal that once it is performed the first time. That I will be able to publish it, and it will be a program that is put on everywhere to raise awareness and understanding, to quell some of the myths and misconceptions. It will inspire hope, calm the fears, ease the guilt and shame, and finally to put a face on the disease. I want you to identify with the characters, feel the angst and trepidation that they face, their isolation, their fear of discovery, and the persecution that follows by family, friends, co-workers and how hard it is to truly find an accepting and loving partner. No one ever truly wants to be alone, I believe we are all social creatures, we need to feel love, we deserve it. We are still human after all. I want you to love me, hate the disease I have, remember that I am still the same person, I have just had a bad turn.
There are haters out there that once your down, are more than happy to keep kicking holding you and down. They fear you, they don't understand, the are ignorant of the facts. Please understand that you can face them and over come their comments, their pettiness and you deserve, and demand to be treated with dignity and respect. Keep in mind that if we say nothing, do nothing, we are propagating the paranoia, the myths, the misconceptions, we are turning our backs on each other. We are only as strong as our weakest link. Even in the gay community we are outsiders and outcasts, if we do not come together, build our own network, our own advocacy groups, and raise our voices in a chorus of one. We will never truly be accepted, the demands of a cure will never be forced. United we are that much more powerful, our voices can and will be heard. We will not stand to be put on the back burner, we will not let our unfortunate encounter with this disease silence us and put us back in the closet, or hide us in the shadows. We are the past, We are the Future, We are the Hope and We are no longer going to be quite victims. And You know why? Because you can only be a victim if you allow it. You are a champion and you are not ever truly alone. You have strength, courage, and a life to live. So live it to the fullest, acknowledge your limitations, and move into the light! Remember that EVIL lurks in darkness, plays in shadows and causes mischief. LOVE lives in the light, dispels the shadows and brings forgiveness.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Monday, April 30, 2012
What do you do when the person you are trying to help won't help themselves?
Anyone who knows me, knows that I have a huge heart and I am always trying to help another person. But what do you do when the person you are trying to help won't help themselves? They don't contribute to the household or even work? This is actually a tough question and one that sometimes you cannot see when you are in the situation. However, what I have found is that these people may claim that they are your friend, they may even have good intentions, but they are disappointing and fail to deliver. No matter how many times you give them a chance they continue to remain the same.
An example of this can be seen from my last attempt to live in Atlanta. I moved there but had 2 friends that had once lived with me before when I lived in Atlanta previously, yet before I relocated back to Atlanta I had spoken with both of them and both guaranteed me that they would get a job with in 2 weeks of coming there. We spoke constantly and laid out ground rules..these rules were agreed to but to my dismay neither one ended up getting a job after being at my apartment for three months, and none of the rules were adhered too. One did help with keeping the kitchen clean but the other one never wanted to do anything complained when I told him he needed to get a job or go to school or do something. He would get irate and start yelling at me and then nothing ever changed.
It got to the point that after 8 months they were both still living with me and I was paying for everything. I was beginning to feel distinctly used. I actually didn't know what to do at this point. They wouldn't work, had no money to help, stole my car, damage it and I had to pay to get it fixed and the bills kept getting higher and higher. What eventually happened is that I couldn't cover the bills and the apartment complex evicted us. I ended up loosing everything including my two dogs, and my car and everything that was in the apartment.
But I learned something that has become the foundation for most of my writings so far. That sometimes if you really care about someone you have to be stern and say no, you must stop, cease, remain strong and steadfast. In other words you must demonstrate what is know as tough love. This means that you must not shirk from confrontation you must embrace it and confident that you are in the right. Now, what I mean by this is if you realize that someone is using you and not helping themselves then they need to be cut loose. You must let them go. If you continue to help them when they aren't helping themselves or even doing their own part to move forward in some way then it is in your best interest to let them go. Someone sent me a picture that says "If you allow people to make more withdrawals than deposits in your life, you will be out of balance and in the negative. Know when to close the account."
This is exactly what I have been trying to tell you in this entry. But more than that I want you to think about this, if someone you know in your life is at the same place and isn't moving forward and going some place then they aren't helping themselves and they definitely aren't helping you. Remember this always, anyone who is not helping you and adding to your life and trying to help you get to the next level then they are using you and holding you back. They are stumbling blocks and are keeping you from moving forward yourself.
Another way to put this is if you know someone who hasn't moved forward for years and years they are still the same and still doing the same. Then they aren't doing anything to better themselves. If you help them and let them continue in their lifestyle never changing and never moving forward, then they are using you as a crutch and you are enabling them to never change. This is a very detrimental relationship and needs to be ended. Please if you have a bad friendship or relationship like the ones I described here...please do me a favor and realize that you must let them go, They are not your friends and they are only trying existing on your charity and using your kindness for weakness. Please be wary and don't get caught like I did and have to learn this the hard way. A friend is someone who has your best interest at heart. They are there when you need them and are supportive and caring. They give just as much as they take and are always willing to build and grow with you.
I know that this sounds like a simple thing, but trust me there are people out there that fall victim to this all the time, and because they are inside the situation they cannot see that they are being used and being hurt by the people claiming to be their friends.
So here in recap if a person or relationship is not benefiting you and them and you both are not moving forward toward the next station in life then you must be strong and steadfast in your resolve cut the friendship and move on by yourself.
As always give me your thoughts and feedback. Let me know if there is a topic you would like to discuss.
Uncle B
An example of this can be seen from my last attempt to live in Atlanta. I moved there but had 2 friends that had once lived with me before when I lived in Atlanta previously, yet before I relocated back to Atlanta I had spoken with both of them and both guaranteed me that they would get a job with in 2 weeks of coming there. We spoke constantly and laid out ground rules..these rules were agreed to but to my dismay neither one ended up getting a job after being at my apartment for three months, and none of the rules were adhered too. One did help with keeping the kitchen clean but the other one never wanted to do anything complained when I told him he needed to get a job or go to school or do something. He would get irate and start yelling at me and then nothing ever changed.
It got to the point that after 8 months they were both still living with me and I was paying for everything. I was beginning to feel distinctly used. I actually didn't know what to do at this point. They wouldn't work, had no money to help, stole my car, damage it and I had to pay to get it fixed and the bills kept getting higher and higher. What eventually happened is that I couldn't cover the bills and the apartment complex evicted us. I ended up loosing everything including my two dogs, and my car and everything that was in the apartment.
But I learned something that has become the foundation for most of my writings so far. That sometimes if you really care about someone you have to be stern and say no, you must stop, cease, remain strong and steadfast. In other words you must demonstrate what is know as tough love. This means that you must not shirk from confrontation you must embrace it and confident that you are in the right. Now, what I mean by this is if you realize that someone is using you and not helping themselves then they need to be cut loose. You must let them go. If you continue to help them when they aren't helping themselves or even doing their own part to move forward in some way then it is in your best interest to let them go. Someone sent me a picture that says "If you allow people to make more withdrawals than deposits in your life, you will be out of balance and in the negative. Know when to close the account."
This is exactly what I have been trying to tell you in this entry. But more than that I want you to think about this, if someone you know in your life is at the same place and isn't moving forward and going some place then they aren't helping themselves and they definitely aren't helping you. Remember this always, anyone who is not helping you and adding to your life and trying to help you get to the next level then they are using you and holding you back. They are stumbling blocks and are keeping you from moving forward yourself.
Another way to put this is if you know someone who hasn't moved forward for years and years they are still the same and still doing the same. Then they aren't doing anything to better themselves. If you help them and let them continue in their lifestyle never changing and never moving forward, then they are using you as a crutch and you are enabling them to never change. This is a very detrimental relationship and needs to be ended. Please if you have a bad friendship or relationship like the ones I described here...please do me a favor and realize that you must let them go, They are not your friends and they are only trying existing on your charity and using your kindness for weakness. Please be wary and don't get caught like I did and have to learn this the hard way. A friend is someone who has your best interest at heart. They are there when you need them and are supportive and caring. They give just as much as they take and are always willing to build and grow with you.
I know that this sounds like a simple thing, but trust me there are people out there that fall victim to this all the time, and because they are inside the situation they cannot see that they are being used and being hurt by the people claiming to be their friends.
So here in recap if a person or relationship is not benefiting you and them and you both are not moving forward toward the next station in life then you must be strong and steadfast in your resolve cut the friendship and move on by yourself.
As always give me your thoughts and feedback. Let me know if there is a topic you would like to discuss.
Uncle B
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