Sometimes I sit and ponder the what if's and could have been's of my life. I wonder where I would be had I not made some of the choices that I did. Would I still be working for the State of Georgia, would Joe and I still be together, and would we still have the vending machine business, the house in Snellville and the cabin in Blue Ridge?
These reflections aren't painful now, but were once, I have learned so much from the time I left Florida and moved to Atlanta. I found out that you can't change your life for another person, because in the long run they aren't going to appreciate it. They are going to do something foolish and the next thing you know so are you. Had Joe never started smoking Meth, and me getting involved in the whole thing, my life would have been totally different.
I wouldn't have met some of the people that I have along the way. I wouldn't have gotten to experience all the different things that life showed me when I was living on Buford highway and again when I moved back to East Point. Nor would the brief stay in Dallas have marred my relationship with Victoria.
See, I know where my life veered off course, and I can see the issues that it caused. I am no longer sad, because at least I did those things, experienced them and had some fun along the way. I am sorry that Joe and Victoria got hurt, and that in my cavalier attempt to solve the problems, I found that running away to be the expedient answer. I am older now and I look back and I see the image of the man I was and the person I am today, and I am a totally different person, living in a totally different world. I am still on the fringes of the old drug infested life, but I feel the change in the wind and I know that I am going to be carried away in a different direction.
I know in my heart that I am not young anymore, that there are limitations to my physical abilities, but they have not changed much in 10 years, so what am I bemoaning about, what is the problem that is holding me steadfast to the past. Why can't I let the past rest in peace and overcome this obstacle?the answer seems to be me!
It is doubt my friend, doubt keeps you locked in place, freezes your steps and won't let you make a move. Fear is also a factor, what if I fail and what will happen to me then? These are the troubled thoughts that clog your mind and keep you from action and change. It is what keeps you in that dark place and keeps the light from clearing it all away. As I said in my last entry that I have had patches of light in my darkness, but I see clearly that I could move forward if I just let go of the past. Forget where I have been and let go of the fears that are holding me captive.
I look in the mirror and I see a shadow of the person I used to be. A shell, a caricature. I used to be a powerhouse, a go-getter. When I set my mind to a task or wanted something I went out and did it. I had no fear, I was confident and sure in my knowledge and grabbed what I want. Now, time has caught me, I am older, handicapped, different than I used to be. I have had the colostomies, I have had so many surgeries and injuries and hospital stays, that I fear I will never find someone who could or would accept me the way I am in the gay community.
I am afraid that I will die alone, a very lonely and painful death. Unloved and not mourned by anyone other than my family and close friends. See, I know the gay community, I know that they look for the perfect man, they want the washboard abs, the bulging peck muscles, the young stallions, not someone old and frail like me. So, I keep looking to my past to the ones that have loved me before that know my illness and what I have been through, hoping desperately that one would come back into my life.
Yet, I know that isn't likely to happen. I know that the problems of the past that caused us to break up will most likely still be an issue once more. So I am in a catch 22 sort of situation. But I am starting to finally come to terms with my life and what it has become. I am starting to finally become comfortable with my body, and the limitations it has. I think that I may even be ready to take a baby step forward. We shall see mon a'mi!
Looking backwards into the past will keep you wondering and wandering in the darkness, it will keep you locked into your doubts, and can lead to depression and despair. Please don't let your fears keep you in place. Don't be like me and waste so much of your life clinging to the baggage of the past that you forget to live in the moment.
A reflection doesn't always reveal the truth, you have to look closer. I have said that I see a dim shadow of the man I was. But the secret to all of this is that I still see him, and if I see him, I can still be him. I just need to get my confidence and courage and move forward. I have to let go totally of the past and move on. Was I happy in the past? Oh, definitely at times! Yet, there were times when I was saddened. Reflections are only 2 dimensional they aren't the total picture.
Don't let your reflection and the face staring back at you hold you in your past. Release it, let it go, live in the moment. Enjoy the vibrant color and texture of life. See how much more fun and relaxed you will be when you are just living in the moment.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,