Life is in constant motion, and waits for no one. You don't know the day or hour that it might all come to an end. So, how do you move forward and let go of the past? The answer is not as simple as you might think. History is a bitch, and can cause many problems as you try to sort out your life and take your next steps. I find that 2015 is going to be all about is all about me and my dream. I can't sit back and let the past overtake me again. I have to keep my head up and keep going forward. I can't let anything pull me backwards. Too often my life has been mired down in drama, some of my own creation, most not. As one boyfriend once stated "Bryan it isn't you it is all that extra". At the time I had no idea what he was talking about, but I have seen first hand through the first part of January just how I attract and keep drama close. I have the penchant and desire to try and rescue everyone in my life. I can't do that, I really can't even take care of myself at the present time. So how in the world can I help someone else? The long and the short of it is I can't. So instead of crying over my past actions, I have had to make changes in my life and the people that I hang out with. I am even contemplating changing my location again. I am not real happy where I am at in life. But I know that I am where I am supposed to be at the moment, I just can't help feeling that there is a major change brewing on the horizon, and that it is going to change everything about me and the way that I view life.
It took the loss of a dear friend this past week to pull my head out of the sand and look at the situation I have found myself in. See, I created the environment and made some poor decisions. Which for those of you that know me you know that this is nothing new for me. I have a tendency to push those that love me and want the best for me away and attract the ones that harbor ill interests. But, from my many conversations with Mary Benefield about my relationship issues and the trials that I have found myself in over the past year. I keep hearing her words over and over in my head "Bryan you can't choose who you fall in love with, but you certainly don't have to take the abuse and you have to cut your losses and let go." I finally did that when he left me in April I was devastated but it was my friend Mary that put things into perspective for me she said " you were on an emotional roller coaster and have cried and been hurt so many times, maybe you need to give someone else a chance." I am amazed at how astute her observations were and how well she had read the situation. Because once I stopped caring and took the first step forward, it became easier. Now, as the months have climbed and he has been away, I have finally found someone that has a mutual respect for me. We are closer in age and have so much in common. But, the circumstances under which we met and found ourselves in currently sure is something to write about another time.
It is funny how life bring people in and out of our lives at just the right moment. You know that there just has to be a cosmic hand guiding the choreography of our lives. I can't believe that chance brought you too me. No, I think it was God that planned this a long time before I was born. He knew the trials and fires that I would have to go through that honed and tempered me into the steel that I am today. The heat of the fires have cleansed the impurities from my life and have left sparkling shining steel. Life is a series of adventures, but remember adventures takes us on a circuitous route. When fate intervenes we are taken directly where we need to be. I think that today has been a day of learning and exploration for me. I am sitting with tear filled eyes thinking of my friend Mary, but I know she wouldn't want me to hurt. She would want me to be happy and use my head. So that is what I am doing. I am putting down what I am feeling and thinking about.
Sometimes the past just needs to stay where it is. It can only complicate things and cloud the future if you let it. So let go. Move forward and move onward. I have reached a conclusion this evening when my ex and his new boyfriend phoned and said that they wanted to come and see me. That they want to be my friend. But why now, what is the purpose of the visit? Why did the boyfriend have to ask me if I thought I would be uncomfortable? Something in this is just not adding up for me. So I am going to have to tell them that now is not the time to come. I am not sure why but I have a feeling that if I let them come all sorts of drama from my past is going to come flying up in my face. I think it is best to leave lying dogs lie right?
Mary would tell me that I am stupid, that I haven't thought this through and that I should tell them not to come. The person that I am seeing now has pretty much told me that he isn't down with the drama and that he doesn't feel comfortable with me meeting them without him here with me. See, sometimes you just have to have closure and once you have it you have to let go and move on. You can't be the friend that you were in the past and you don't honestly know how your emotions and feeling are going to react when you are in a situation like this. I am in agreement that I should pass on this visit for now. That I need more time I remember the pain, and the hurt that was caused when the ex left, do I really want to remove the light layer of skin that has finally covered that wound?
You can't take a step forward if you are tied to your past. There has to be a point in your life when you just let go and move on. You let those that left you behind sail on their own way because you have made it through the wilderness and you have made it to the other side. I cannot for the life of me understand why anyone would want to cling to their past. I analyzed my own past and realized that it was my own fear of rejection that was holding me in a state of perpetual hibernation and stagnation. I couldn't move forward or backward because I didn't accept myself for the person I am or have become. I was dependent on the images that others had of me. Now for the first time I am seeing the man staring back at me in the mirror and I do understand that in order for me to move forward I have to have complete acceptance of myself and what has become of me. I have to be comfortable in my own skin. I have to love myself and I have to embrace my uniqueness and as Mary would say "embrace your Awesomeness".
It is true each of is unique, we are awesome and have a story that makes us unique. We are an art piece that is coming together under the masters hands and we have to trust that He knows what He is doing. We are being molded, melded and formed for a specific task and everything that we have come through and endured have made it possible for us to be strong in the face of the odds arrayed against us. We are never alone in this world and nothing is beyond our reach and grasp if we embrace and accept ourselves for who we are. Understand and accept your limitations, disabilities and abilities. Take each new day and learn something new from it. For when you learn something new and share it with others it helps you move along the road of life.
No matter what you think or believe no relationship is painless and it won't last forever. True that love never dies truly, that there will always be some sort of feeling there for you, but you can move on when it ends. You can find someone new. Even if you were like my grandparents and endured a relationship for over 50 years. My grandmother died before my grandfather and left him alone. So even in a perfect world nothing lasts forever and nothing is permanent and if you take the chance to love, realize that eventually you are going to feel pain. Everything ends, everything has it season and then it is over. Life doesn't wait for anyone, get on and hold on tight because it is going to be a long and bumpy road with lots of obstacles, hurdles and pitfalls. But just wait till you get through you are going to be a unique piece of artwork, priceless and precious.
Let go of your past, it is holding you back. Embrace your fears, let go of your guilt. Accept that life is challenging and that you are learning new lessons every day. Keep in your mind always that this too shall pass, and you will be okay. Release, take that step, it is never to late for you to change and it is never too late to start over. Many of us have done it plenty of times. Each time we have started over the blessings of letting God have the reigns of your life and lead you is so rewarding you forget about the pain and fears and see only the positive blessings that are flowing your way.
2015 is a year of change, embrace it, jump on and hold on for dear life, because you are in for a journey and you never know where you are going to end up till this cycle is done. I honestly believe that life comes at us in a series of cycles and at the end of each cycle if we take stock of where we started and where we are at the end a great distance has been traveled and many lessons have been learned along the way.
So, I want you to take away something from this entry. I want you to realize that rebirth, renewal and strength are gained by the many trials you have faced and come through. Nothing last forever, nothing ever could. Life, love, happiness and hope are found within yourself and no where else. Complete and total acceptance of yourself is required for you to move onward and upward and when everything is said and done and your life has finally come to an end. You will know in your heart just truly how precious and priceless you really were and that so many lives were touched by your passing that you couldn't have ever guessed. It all starts and ends with you. Let go take that first step. It will be hard but I know you can do it. Embrace your own Awesomeness and let no man hold you down again.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you!