In February of 2012 I reached a point in my life where I couldn't go any lower, I had hit rock bottom. I had lost my apartment in October, I also had a kidney stone and ended up in and out of the hospital. I ended up staying in a hotel from the beginning of October till November 7th. I had most of my possessions with me and my two dogs in the hotel and here I was in and out of pain and agony because of the kidney stone. On November 7th, I had to leave the hotel because I couldn't pay for it any longer. Animal control was called by the hotel manager and because I was leaving the hotel with nowhere to go my dogs were taken from me and destroyed. I was hurt and devastated by this and here I was out on the street. Long story short I lost everything, my home, my dogs, my car, and was wondering the streets of Atlanta, wondering what I was going to do. For a little while I stayed with some friends, but when that went south, I ended up squatting in a vacant apartment that I knew about and used it as a hideout for almost a month and a half before I was finally caught and put out. My father ended up helping me and I landed back in an extended stay for a little while. But things were just not working for me. Every step forward I took I ended up falling ten steps backward. I turned back to heavy drug use, and that compounded the problems even further. So in January my father and I spoke on the phone and he told me that he couldn't help me any further, that he just didn't have the money to put me up in a hotel any longer. But, what he did do is he offered to buy me a bus ticket back to Florida. Of course I would have to pay him back once I got down here.
What I realized during this time was that sometimes we need to take some time, reevaluate our lives, figure out what direction we want to go and readjust our goals. So in January that is exactly what I did, and I realized that with the amount of drugs I was doing and my medical problems that I probably needed to get away from the temptation of the drugs and start over. The first step in this process was realignment, I began searching my soul and heart and realized that I wasn't happy any longer in Atlanta. See, I had been in a relationship for 12 1/2 years it had finally come to a final and bitter end in 2009, I started seeing someone else late in 2009 and we were together off and on till 2011. But the problem was that there was nothing and no one really in Atlanta to hold me there. Joe was gone, Sterling was gone, Noriko had left and gone back to Florida, most of my friends were either leaving or so hook on drugs, and nothing I did seemed to bring me any joy or fulfillment. So I began my journey of soul searching, scouring my inner being to find my true self, the person I had been before I went into those relationships. The person who was not afraid to take a chance, who was decisive, knew what he wanted, and then went after it. It was that drive and ambition that had pushed me to get my Bachelors and Masters degrees, and I needed to reconnect with that person. This was the period of realignment, I had to find myself again, realign my inner and outer being to become whole again.
Once I started on this path I realized that I needed to reevaluate not only my values, but my whole direction in my life. I needed to chart a new course one that wasn't dependent on others and make some definitive choices in my life. So when my father offered to buy the bus ticket and bring me home, I jumped at the idea. I ended up leaving Atlanta with just the clothes on my back and nothing else. But, that is okay, because sometimes we have to change our location and friends to find ourselves again. This is what I call changing our venue. Sometimes, all it takes to get back to ourselves and find our direction again, is to move to a new place and start all over again. Which is what I decided to do. I embraced the challenge and got on that bus confident that the new journey I was on was going would bring me full circle and help me find myself again. I am thankful that I took that step, because it took me from the temptations that were still in Atlanta, and helped me move on. Once I had made the decision to move, I kept looking inward, and realized that not only did I have to reevaluate my values, direction and life, I needed to reevaluate my goals, dreams and hopes.
When I began looking at my goals and life objectives, it became apparent that I needed to start over totally from scratch so I set some manageable and achievable goals. Therefore, I decided that once I got to my parents house I was going to save up money, get a car, get a job, a cellphone, and then my own place to live. I had to readjust my thinking, I had to stop feeling sorry for myself and let go of the past, to move on and away from the stuff I had lost and left behind in Atlanta. I knew that I was coming to an unfamiliar place and that I was going to be alone, all I would have would be my father and stepmother, because last year they had moved from Orlando where I had grown up and moved to the beach. So I would know no one and I knew that this was just the chance I needed to get my life back together and back on track. See I had left all my friends and acquaintances behind in Atlanta, I would have no support network to fall back on. I would have to sink or swim because I knew my parents couldn't help me other than giving me a place to stay. So I moved on. Got on that bus and never really looked back.
Now I have been in Daytona Beach for 8 months now. I have been through a series of setbacks, mainly because of my health. But you want to know an amazing thing. In 8 months, every goal that I had set for myself before I left Atlanta has been fulfilled. I actually feel good about myself, I don't feel like I have to ask anyone for permission to do anything. I got myself a car, have a great job, and rebuilt almost all of the things that I had lost in Atlanta. I am proud of myself, and I realize how much this journey has helped me grow and mature. I don't regret making the decision to leave, I have been able to steer clear of the drugs, the temptations and have actually overcome some very serious health issues.
There comes a time in each of our lives when we have to sit back and realign, reevaluate and readjust our lives and thinking and just move on. We have to take that leap of faith and know within ourselves that we are going to be victorious and overcome the obstacles and hardships that life is going to put in our path. It is at these times that we really have to be sincerely honest with ourselves. Because this is when we are going to grow, learn and mature. Once we get through the first part of our journey it becomes almost automatic for our mind perform the process over and over again, and you begin to realize that there are new goals and ways of looking at things and we move further along the path.
Even now as I am writing to you I am at a new point in my journey, I am about to move out of my parents place this weekend and move into my own space, now I had never planned on doing this alone, I had hoped to share this next phase of my life and journey with someone else. But because things aren't actually working out as I have planned I realized today that it is once again time to stop and reevaluate, readjust, realign and move on. Because I need more in life at this point. I am working and volunteering my time, but it doesn't fill the void that I am feeling inside, so I write, I draw, watch movies and try to keep myself busy, but honestly there is something missing. I have lost my ambition, my inspiration, and now on top of this I have found out just yesterday that I am facing another serious medical problem, and it has caused me to wonder what is next for me. Because honestly over the past two weeks I have been asking myself a very heavy question and one that I cannot answer at this point.
The question being "When is it going to be my turn, why can't I find someone to take care of me, someone I can depend on? See all of my life, I have been the one that everyone has depended on. I was the one that supported and helped others. I put everyone else's concerns and needs before my own. But, now when I need it who can I turn too? When will I find someone that cares about my desires, needs and wants first? Honestly, with everything that is happening in my life, I don't think it will ever happen. I am beginning to believe that my worst fear is going to come true, that I am going to be single and spend the rest of my life alone. If you only knew what I was facing right now, how this new issue is going to further limit my abilities and that alone I fear is going to keep anyone from ever wanting to have anything more from me beyond a friendship. A very big part of me is devastated, because I have been living in denial since 2005 and finally it was brought home to me in a very real way on Friday. If you want to understand this a little better read my blog entry "Inner Demon Finally Realized...Is there still hope?"
To further add to this desperation and loneliness I am feeling you have to understand that in the spring of this year I had reconnected with someone that I cared a lot about back in Atlanta, and as the months of us talking kept going. He kept telling me that he loved me and wanted to be in a relationship with me. So finally in June I admitted the feelings I had for him. We started dating, and in August he was supposed to come for a 3 week visit. To surprise him, I ended up driving to Atlanta to bring him back and you can read all about what happened in the blog entry "Misadventures in Paradise"... to fully understand what happened and what I went through while I was there. To understand how much I cared about this man read my entry called "Rekindling a Relationship from embers to full flame--An Experiment". Over the last two weeks he found out some things, and is working through those issues on his own and has basically closed me out. He hasn't called or talked to me. He has sent me a total of 3 text messages in the past twelve days. Honestly it is killing me, there are so many things I want to tell him about my health and what is going on with this move. How, I want him here with me, so that I can face the future with him, and for him to be by my side as I embark on this new phase of life. Now, that I am getting my own place, I want him here with me to experience it and share it. I have done everything I can to reach out to him, to encourage him to confide in me and talk to me because I know I can help with what he is dealing with. Been there and done that as they say.
So here I sit wondering if it is yet again time to realign, reevaluate, readjust and move on. I can't make someone talk to me or confide in me. The last time we spoke he told me that he was like this, warned me that he closes off. He told me that he loved me and that there was nothing wrong between us. Then I saw on his Facebook page that he posted that he feels like he is losing me. So what do I do? How can I fix the situation when he won't talk to me. Is he testing me? I sent him text messages, emails, and Facebook messages, and still nothing. I keep reassuring him that I miss him and I love him. But nothing. He asked me to research flights for him to come and visit. I have done that. I have the information. Left him a message for him to call me so we could talk about it, yet nothing. I want him in my life so bad, without him I feel like a part of me is missing. I find it hard to write, to sleep and even to deal with the problems and issues I have all on my own. I need him so much right now, and I am sure he could use my support and help. It honestly feels like he doesn't trust me or want me to be involved in his life. It makes me feel like I am nothing more to him than an annoyance and that I am bugging him.
So again, should I move on? Should I reevaluate my position and hope that one day he will come around. I know he loves me, I know he cares, I know that I have inspired him to be not only a better person, but he changed how he treats people and has reevaluated his own life because of my inspiration and positive attitude and outlook.
I wish there was a simple answer to this. I wish I knew what he wants and what he is expecting.
So if nothing else remember that sometimes we just have to take a deep look inside of ourselves, change our location, our friends and move on to get to the next phase in our lives.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Showing posts with label barriers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label barriers. Show all posts
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Friday, October 5, 2012
Life rarely turns out as planned or expected, but it is what you make of it.
When you are young, you think nothing is impossible, you are filled with hope and dreams, fueled with drive and ambition. College may have just been completed or may even be an adventure yet to conqueror. Now, I am not saying dreams, goals, hopes or ambitions are bad. What I want to prepare you for is the inevitability that is called life. See, when we are young and relatively inexperienced with the challenges and roadblocks that life throws in our path as we embark on our journey, we tend to make plans and goals for the future that we just never get too.
The reason for this is because of many different factors. Some of which include stumbling blocks life throws us, and unexpected complications in work, school and maturing over time. As we get older and mature we don't always re-evaluate our priorities or goals that we have made in our younger years. When we fail to do that we tend to wake up one morning and wonder why we aren't exactly where we thought we would be and are disappointed in the progress we have made. At times like this we start to second guess ourselves and the choices we have made as we moved forward on life's road.
Recently, I sat down and had a reckoning with myself. I wondered how I had gotten to the place I found myself at. See I had planned on a whole different life from the one I have. You will be surprised at what I had found out. It wasn't necessarily because my feet weren't on the right path, nor haven't I made the right decisions. There were other factors, that I couldn't have ever foreseen in my life's plans or goals. Everybody has different ideas of where they are going to be and what they want to do when they are in high school. Those thoughts might might change a little bit while they are going to college. But it seems that later in life each and everyone of us looks back at our lives and we wonder why we haven't made it to where we thought we would be.
As I was saying a bit earlier this year I decided to look back at y life and I was surprised at where I was at and honestly I found myself disappointed with the progress I had made. Keep in mind I was looking at current life versus expected ideals, and never took into account the journey it took me to get here. Once I factored in that I was still not happy at all with my progress, but satisfied with my achievements. See I looked at where I was currently at that exact moment in time, and not the whole journey. Which I will try to explain more about a little bit later. As I looked back at myself and on my life I only took into account at where I was at, at the present moment. Who would have thought that at 44 years of age I would be at home with my parents, with no place of my own, and no car and living on social security? When you look at it from that perspective it doesn't sound good at all and is rather depressing if you ask me. Which as you can imagine did cause me a few days of grief. However, I began to realize that as with all things in my life it is how we look at them. The angle at which they are viewed and the perspective they are viewed from, that makes all the difference.
Nobody likes to look back at upon their life and wonder what they have done wrong and they start contemplating the what if's, and honestly you can't do that because you will be drowning yourself in depression, doubt and guilt. If you are anything like me, you looked back and were surprised with where you find your found yourself. See my problem was I didn't take into account where I had been and what I had accomplished. I was just looking at where I was at now. Forget taking into consideration everything I went through and what I had literally lived through. I never stopped to look at the health issues, relationship issues, and all the other factors that had gone into how I had gotten here. I focused solely on the end result and let me tell you I wasn't happy! Then it dawned on me to consider the journey I had been on and the adventure of life, the circumstances that had brought me to this place, and that is when I realized that the path I was on had brought me to the exact place at the exact moment I needed to be there.
There is no mistaking that I needed to be at my parents home when I got here. I wasn't even here a week and I ended up in the hospital. Two weeks later I had to have emergency surgery and before I knew it I have been in and out of the hospital a lot over the past year. In order to get the care and attention I needed I landed exactly when I could get it and I am thankful I made the decision to come back here to my parents. In retrospect when I look back at the journey I have made. I am proud of what I accomplished, the friends and acquaintances I have made, the lessons I have learned. More than that I have come full circle in my life. I came back to where I have started. I am smarter, more educated, more mature and in a far greater position than I had been in when I had left.
Sometimes I ask myself, "Would you do anything differently if you had to do it all over again?" The long and the short of it is this, if I changed anything would I still know what I know now? Would I have met the same people? Would I have had the same experiences? No! I wouldn't have is the answer to all of those questions. So, No I wouldn't change a thing. The one thing I value most in my life are my friends and the friendships I have made. If I were to loose even one of them I wouldn't be happy. Another thing I look back and I see the accomplishments I have made. I am the first in my family to get my Bachelors and Masters degree. I served my country and received a Navy Achievement Medal for my time in service. I am a plank owner of the U.S.S. Wisconsin (BB-64). I have helped hundreds of people in my life without wanting anything in return and I have completed everything I have ever wanted to do with my life. Do I regrets? Yes, I do, but not the kind you would think of. There are some people who were in my life that I gave up on when I shouldn't have. Plus, there were my dark years. The years in which I found myself immersed in the world of drugs, sex and self-destructive behavior. This is also the period where my actions were not always friendly, more on the destructive side. These are my only regrets.
Here I am on the other side of that period and I look back in awe and wonder at the friends and relationships that were formed during that time of my life and I am amazed at how many of them have survived and are still with me today. I am thankful for their support and friendship. They have made everything I went through worthwhile! If I look further back at my life I can be proud of the time I worked for the State of Georgia. The skills I learned and the friendships that still survive today as well. It is inspiring to know that three different Governors depended on me, asked my opinions and listened to my advice. How even today five and a half years later my name is still well known. Who knows had my health held up I might even still be working there today. I was happy with that job and that life. What came after was the hard part.
But, even after tell you all of this, I don't believe I would change anything that I have gone through nor any of the people I shared those experiences with. Because it is through all of this and all of them that I have become the person that I am today. See, I realized this year that I am the culmination of every choice and decision I have made. I am the result of every experience and relationship I have had. I have grown, adapted, changed and matured into a much different person. If I wouldn't have gone through those things, suffered the setbacks and health issues I wouldn't have made it to the point in my life where I am at. Nor would I have the background and the experience that I live and share with you. You may ask about the illnesses that I have faced in my life and without rehashing my whole story. I will just tell you this June marks the 20 year that I have been fighting cancer and leukemia. In 2006 I was diagnosed with HIV and in 2012 I was diagnosed with Hepatitis C and Kidney/Renal disease. Life has not been easy for me and yet through it all I try to remain positive and strong.
These illnesses were a necessary part of my development and have given me so much more insight into the human condition and life itself. It has brought me that much closer to the Divine and God Himself. It has taught me the meaning of faith and how to look past the frailties of life and look at the soul of a person. It has prompted me to put my feet on the path of the philosophers journey and experience life from all aspects and points of reference. So, I don't think I would even change those experiences if I had the opportunity. But, along with saying that I wouldn't wish any of these things on another person not even an enemy, which I am glad to say I don't have many of. But lest I mislead you, I cannot say that I am altogether happy with the outcome of those illnesses. I have the bag to contend with and the fears and phobias that go with that. Then there are the scars . The damage to my colon and the limited sexual things that I am now limited too. Let me try to explain further about these things. You can find more on them in the blog entry entitled "Inner Demon finally reveal....is there still hope..?" The life of mine has not been a bed of roses. Cancer has eaten me up and yet, I am still here. Since 2005 I have had to have 12 bowel resections, which means that I have lost several feet of large intestines. I have had a colostomy, ileostomy, another colostomy, and other ileostomy, and then finally they added a colostomy with the previous ileostomy, so currently today there are 2 stomas sticking out of my abdomen. Then over the years I suffered from small bowel obstructions and had to have 8 sections of my small intestines removed, yet here I am! Now add in renal and kidney failure with Hepatitis C and you are at where I am today. I have the scars both physically and emotionally to prove it. The scar tissue and adhesion's are so bad that on June 13, 2012 they attempted to reverse the colostomy that was put in on March the 5th and I died on the table 3 times before they called it quits, I had to have 5 blood transfusions and spent 19 days in intensive care. I was told that they could never operate on me again or I would die. So at this point I have no further options when and if the cancer or radiation disease strikes again. That was the other thing I forgot to mention in 2005 I found out that I was also suffering from long term radiation disease from the treatments that were used to save my life back in 92.
Now, most people would be depressed and buried under the weight of all of this, but I find it a challenge, and it has made me stronger, given me a broader outlook on life. It has also made me look at the world from a different perspective. I see the positive, beauty and good in the world. This I think has given me the energy that I need to continue to fight and live each day to the fullest. What I want you to take away from this entry is this. no matter what your plan and how hard you strive to get there to that ideal place in life. The world is going to throw you curve balls and obstacles in your way. Each and every one of us looks back on our lives and we are never happy with where we are at. What I want you to do is look at the path and your journey that you have taken to get to where you are at. Change your perspective so to speak and understand that it the journey and your path that is important, and you have arrived at exactly the right place at the right time where you need to be. That by changing the way you view things you are going to see that how you got to your place is far more important, then the actual place itself. It is the journey that makes everything worthwhile. Cultivate the friendships and relationships you have made along the way. Take time to smell the roses, understand that life is short and that each and every moment that we have on the earth is as precious and important as anything else we could ever learn. Remember life is not always what we want it to be but it is exactly what we make of it. Appreciate the fine things in life, enjoy the culture the music, the exotic sounds and colors. Explore and learn all you can about everything around you. Take the inner journey and find the answers to the questions that have been plaguing you. As your perception changes, your outlook on things is going to change, and you are going to notice subtler things, and you will understand more of what life is actually all about.
Remember if things don't work out don't get frustrated, angry or upset. Keep in mind that you are going to find that you are actually precisely when you need to be, that is just the way life works. Think about it and you will see that I am right!
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
The reason for this is because of many different factors. Some of which include stumbling blocks life throws us, and unexpected complications in work, school and maturing over time. As we get older and mature we don't always re-evaluate our priorities or goals that we have made in our younger years. When we fail to do that we tend to wake up one morning and wonder why we aren't exactly where we thought we would be and are disappointed in the progress we have made. At times like this we start to second guess ourselves and the choices we have made as we moved forward on life's road.
Recently, I sat down and had a reckoning with myself. I wondered how I had gotten to the place I found myself at. See I had planned on a whole different life from the one I have. You will be surprised at what I had found out. It wasn't necessarily because my feet weren't on the right path, nor haven't I made the right decisions. There were other factors, that I couldn't have ever foreseen in my life's plans or goals. Everybody has different ideas of where they are going to be and what they want to do when they are in high school. Those thoughts might might change a little bit while they are going to college. But it seems that later in life each and everyone of us looks back at our lives and we wonder why we haven't made it to where we thought we would be.
As I was saying a bit earlier this year I decided to look back at y life and I was surprised at where I was at and honestly I found myself disappointed with the progress I had made. Keep in mind I was looking at current life versus expected ideals, and never took into account the journey it took me to get here. Once I factored in that I was still not happy at all with my progress, but satisfied with my achievements. See I looked at where I was currently at that exact moment in time, and not the whole journey. Which I will try to explain more about a little bit later. As I looked back at myself and on my life I only took into account at where I was at, at the present moment. Who would have thought that at 44 years of age I would be at home with my parents, with no place of my own, and no car and living on social security? When you look at it from that perspective it doesn't sound good at all and is rather depressing if you ask me. Which as you can imagine did cause me a few days of grief. However, I began to realize that as with all things in my life it is how we look at them. The angle at which they are viewed and the perspective they are viewed from, that makes all the difference.
Nobody likes to look back at upon their life and wonder what they have done wrong and they start contemplating the what if's, and honestly you can't do that because you will be drowning yourself in depression, doubt and guilt. If you are anything like me, you looked back and were surprised with where you find your found yourself. See my problem was I didn't take into account where I had been and what I had accomplished. I was just looking at where I was at now. Forget taking into consideration everything I went through and what I had literally lived through. I never stopped to look at the health issues, relationship issues, and all the other factors that had gone into how I had gotten here. I focused solely on the end result and let me tell you I wasn't happy! Then it dawned on me to consider the journey I had been on and the adventure of life, the circumstances that had brought me to this place, and that is when I realized that the path I was on had brought me to the exact place at the exact moment I needed to be there.
There is no mistaking that I needed to be at my parents home when I got here. I wasn't even here a week and I ended up in the hospital. Two weeks later I had to have emergency surgery and before I knew it I have been in and out of the hospital a lot over the past year. In order to get the care and attention I needed I landed exactly when I could get it and I am thankful I made the decision to come back here to my parents. In retrospect when I look back at the journey I have made. I am proud of what I accomplished, the friends and acquaintances I have made, the lessons I have learned. More than that I have come full circle in my life. I came back to where I have started. I am smarter, more educated, more mature and in a far greater position than I had been in when I had left.
Sometimes I ask myself, "Would you do anything differently if you had to do it all over again?" The long and the short of it is this, if I changed anything would I still know what I know now? Would I have met the same people? Would I have had the same experiences? No! I wouldn't have is the answer to all of those questions. So, No I wouldn't change a thing. The one thing I value most in my life are my friends and the friendships I have made. If I were to loose even one of them I wouldn't be happy. Another thing I look back and I see the accomplishments I have made. I am the first in my family to get my Bachelors and Masters degree. I served my country and received a Navy Achievement Medal for my time in service. I am a plank owner of the U.S.S. Wisconsin (BB-64). I have helped hundreds of people in my life without wanting anything in return and I have completed everything I have ever wanted to do with my life. Do I regrets? Yes, I do, but not the kind you would think of. There are some people who were in my life that I gave up on when I shouldn't have. Plus, there were my dark years. The years in which I found myself immersed in the world of drugs, sex and self-destructive behavior. This is also the period where my actions were not always friendly, more on the destructive side. These are my only regrets.
Here I am on the other side of that period and I look back in awe and wonder at the friends and relationships that were formed during that time of my life and I am amazed at how many of them have survived and are still with me today. I am thankful for their support and friendship. They have made everything I went through worthwhile! If I look further back at my life I can be proud of the time I worked for the State of Georgia. The skills I learned and the friendships that still survive today as well. It is inspiring to know that three different Governors depended on me, asked my opinions and listened to my advice. How even today five and a half years later my name is still well known. Who knows had my health held up I might even still be working there today. I was happy with that job and that life. What came after was the hard part.
But, even after tell you all of this, I don't believe I would change anything that I have gone through nor any of the people I shared those experiences with. Because it is through all of this and all of them that I have become the person that I am today. See, I realized this year that I am the culmination of every choice and decision I have made. I am the result of every experience and relationship I have had. I have grown, adapted, changed and matured into a much different person. If I wouldn't have gone through those things, suffered the setbacks and health issues I wouldn't have made it to the point in my life where I am at. Nor would I have the background and the experience that I live and share with you. You may ask about the illnesses that I have faced in my life and without rehashing my whole story. I will just tell you this June marks the 20 year that I have been fighting cancer and leukemia. In 2006 I was diagnosed with HIV and in 2012 I was diagnosed with Hepatitis C and Kidney/Renal disease. Life has not been easy for me and yet through it all I try to remain positive and strong.
These illnesses were a necessary part of my development and have given me so much more insight into the human condition and life itself. It has brought me that much closer to the Divine and God Himself. It has taught me the meaning of faith and how to look past the frailties of life and look at the soul of a person. It has prompted me to put my feet on the path of the philosophers journey and experience life from all aspects and points of reference. So, I don't think I would even change those experiences if I had the opportunity. But, along with saying that I wouldn't wish any of these things on another person not even an enemy, which I am glad to say I don't have many of. But lest I mislead you, I cannot say that I am altogether happy with the outcome of those illnesses. I have the bag to contend with and the fears and phobias that go with that. Then there are the scars . The damage to my colon and the limited sexual things that I am now limited too. Let me try to explain further about these things. You can find more on them in the blog entry entitled "Inner Demon finally reveal....is there still hope..?" The life of mine has not been a bed of roses. Cancer has eaten me up and yet, I am still here. Since 2005 I have had to have 12 bowel resections, which means that I have lost several feet of large intestines. I have had a colostomy, ileostomy, another colostomy, and other ileostomy, and then finally they added a colostomy with the previous ileostomy, so currently today there are 2 stomas sticking out of my abdomen. Then over the years I suffered from small bowel obstructions and had to have 8 sections of my small intestines removed, yet here I am! Now add in renal and kidney failure with Hepatitis C and you are at where I am today. I have the scars both physically and emotionally to prove it. The scar tissue and adhesion's are so bad that on June 13, 2012 they attempted to reverse the colostomy that was put in on March the 5th and I died on the table 3 times before they called it quits, I had to have 5 blood transfusions and spent 19 days in intensive care. I was told that they could never operate on me again or I would die. So at this point I have no further options when and if the cancer or radiation disease strikes again. That was the other thing I forgot to mention in 2005 I found out that I was also suffering from long term radiation disease from the treatments that were used to save my life back in 92.
Now, most people would be depressed and buried under the weight of all of this, but I find it a challenge, and it has made me stronger, given me a broader outlook on life. It has also made me look at the world from a different perspective. I see the positive, beauty and good in the world. This I think has given me the energy that I need to continue to fight and live each day to the fullest. What I want you to take away from this entry is this. no matter what your plan and how hard you strive to get there to that ideal place in life. The world is going to throw you curve balls and obstacles in your way. Each and every one of us looks back on our lives and we are never happy with where we are at. What I want you to do is look at the path and your journey that you have taken to get to where you are at. Change your perspective so to speak and understand that it the journey and your path that is important, and you have arrived at exactly the right place at the right time where you need to be. That by changing the way you view things you are going to see that how you got to your place is far more important, then the actual place itself. It is the journey that makes everything worthwhile. Cultivate the friendships and relationships you have made along the way. Take time to smell the roses, understand that life is short and that each and every moment that we have on the earth is as precious and important as anything else we could ever learn. Remember life is not always what we want it to be but it is exactly what we make of it. Appreciate the fine things in life, enjoy the culture the music, the exotic sounds and colors. Explore and learn all you can about everything around you. Take the inner journey and find the answers to the questions that have been plaguing you. As your perception changes, your outlook on things is going to change, and you are going to notice subtler things, and you will understand more of what life is actually all about.
Remember if things don't work out don't get frustrated, angry or upset. Keep in mind that you are going to find that you are actually precisely when you need to be, that is just the way life works. Think about it and you will see that I am right!
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Open heart Open mind, Closed mind Closed heart!
While it will come as no surprise to you the second part of the title closed mind equals a closed heart, you can see how the inverse can also be accurate. Thinking back on the poem I wrote two days ago I came to realize just how powerful the mind really is. For it is the mind that creates the walls that protect our heart from the pain of love lost. Whatever the reason for the wound you suffered, whether real or perceived, the mind takes steps to make sure you have time to grieve and heal. It creates invisible boundaries that keep everyone and everything out. But what happens when the pain has dulled and time has healed the wound? The answer my friends is nothing. Those walls that have been built remain in place and if you don't understand this check out my entry "If these walls could talk...what would they say?" http://bryanzepp.blogspot.com/2012/07/if-these-walls-could-talkwhat-would.html
Our hearts are fragile things that can be bruised easily. Shattered if betrayed and trust is lost. The wounds of love are the hardest felt and take the longest time to heal. Then comes doubts and fears, you begin questioning everyone's motives when they enter your life. A friend of mine calls this period the "Distrusting Factor", which can last a very very long time. It is during this period that you find you can't trust anyone including yourself, because you are so afraid that whatever you went through is just going to happen all over again. You tend to hold everyone you meet and could possibly care about at arms length. You prevent them from getting too close to you both mentally and emotionally.
Now what happens if you meet someone or are introduced to someone and you are in this crippled state? How do you think they are going to act and feel? I will tell you, because I know from first hand experience. They are going to like you and want to be with you, but because you are so closed off you are going to miss all the signs. They are going to feel like you ignored them and left them hanging. It takes a very special and patient person to understand all of this. They are going to have to loving and persistent if they ever hope to break through those walls. They may even walk away and come back, because remember you have inflicted pain and wounded them whether it was intentional or not by spurning their advances and leaving them hanging.
This special person is someone who is strong and can get passed the pain and recognize that they need and want you. In my case the person still has wounds of his last relationship but somehow tore down his own walls and dared to care and love again. His caring and understanding has been shown over and over again no matter how far apart we are. It seems like every important moment that happens in his life, he includes me on. I am usually the first one he calls or text to tell what happened and this is what has made me feel so special. It is through his persistence and unfailing efforts that the walls around my heart have finally started to fall. The words of praise and encouragement that he extends my way about my passion and my writing is so amazing. Especially because he is so talented himself that I stand amazed that he thinks I have even an inkling of talent. His words over the past few days have brought in sharp relief that if I don't open my hear and trust my feelings again, that I might end up stuck alone with a closed mind and a closed heart.
How do you get to the point of opening your heart and mind? You may be wondering. As with a lot of our discussions, you have to start within and work your way out. Now I admit that it is easier if you have someone that is already interested in you that can help you tentatively stretch out the tender tendrils of love, trust, and caring. But, if you don't have that you are going to have to find within yourself the strength to take the steps to put your heart and feelings back out there and try again. Taking it slow is okay! Get comfortable trusting your feelings, learn how to feel comfortable returning someone else's feelings. Once you get to that point you are going to be amazed at how well that "Leap of Faith" paid off. Once your heart is open and free to love again. Your walls around your mind will be gone for good as well.
You must confront and overcome your fears, suppress your insecurities and doubts, just put yourself out there. Remember, it is just like riding a bike, when your fall off you get back up and try again. Give yourself encouragement by keeping in mind that you deserve the best, you have a right to be happy, to feel loved and love in return. You are so strong and can do this...I have total faith in you! Embrace life and love and do what makes you feel happy and feels good. Remember it is never good to keep those walls up, because while they are there you are missing every opportunity to meet the right person, your soul-mate, your best friend that is always on your mind. Before you know it, once you have found them you aren't going to want to let them go. You are going to want to be where ever they are and totally involved with their lives.
So remember open heart open mind, closed mind closed heart. Take the chance, take a leap of faith, put your heart back on your sleeve and Love again! Because when you do you are going to realize that you are once again living! Because for so long you were just existing, getting by, being safe and never loving or being loved.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Our hearts are fragile things that can be bruised easily. Shattered if betrayed and trust is lost. The wounds of love are the hardest felt and take the longest time to heal. Then comes doubts and fears, you begin questioning everyone's motives when they enter your life. A friend of mine calls this period the "Distrusting Factor", which can last a very very long time. It is during this period that you find you can't trust anyone including yourself, because you are so afraid that whatever you went through is just going to happen all over again. You tend to hold everyone you meet and could possibly care about at arms length. You prevent them from getting too close to you both mentally and emotionally.
Now what happens if you meet someone or are introduced to someone and you are in this crippled state? How do you think they are going to act and feel? I will tell you, because I know from first hand experience. They are going to like you and want to be with you, but because you are so closed off you are going to miss all the signs. They are going to feel like you ignored them and left them hanging. It takes a very special and patient person to understand all of this. They are going to have to loving and persistent if they ever hope to break through those walls. They may even walk away and come back, because remember you have inflicted pain and wounded them whether it was intentional or not by spurning their advances and leaving them hanging.
This special person is someone who is strong and can get passed the pain and recognize that they need and want you. In my case the person still has wounds of his last relationship but somehow tore down his own walls and dared to care and love again. His caring and understanding has been shown over and over again no matter how far apart we are. It seems like every important moment that happens in his life, he includes me on. I am usually the first one he calls or text to tell what happened and this is what has made me feel so special. It is through his persistence and unfailing efforts that the walls around my heart have finally started to fall. The words of praise and encouragement that he extends my way about my passion and my writing is so amazing. Especially because he is so talented himself that I stand amazed that he thinks I have even an inkling of talent. His words over the past few days have brought in sharp relief that if I don't open my hear and trust my feelings again, that I might end up stuck alone with a closed mind and a closed heart.
How do you get to the point of opening your heart and mind? You may be wondering. As with a lot of our discussions, you have to start within and work your way out. Now I admit that it is easier if you have someone that is already interested in you that can help you tentatively stretch out the tender tendrils of love, trust, and caring. But, if you don't have that you are going to have to find within yourself the strength to take the steps to put your heart and feelings back out there and try again. Taking it slow is okay! Get comfortable trusting your feelings, learn how to feel comfortable returning someone else's feelings. Once you get to that point you are going to be amazed at how well that "Leap of Faith" paid off. Once your heart is open and free to love again. Your walls around your mind will be gone for good as well.
You must confront and overcome your fears, suppress your insecurities and doubts, just put yourself out there. Remember, it is just like riding a bike, when your fall off you get back up and try again. Give yourself encouragement by keeping in mind that you deserve the best, you have a right to be happy, to feel loved and love in return. You are so strong and can do this...I have total faith in you! Embrace life and love and do what makes you feel happy and feels good. Remember it is never good to keep those walls up, because while they are there you are missing every opportunity to meet the right person, your soul-mate, your best friend that is always on your mind. Before you know it, once you have found them you aren't going to want to let them go. You are going to want to be where ever they are and totally involved with their lives.
So remember open heart open mind, closed mind closed heart. Take the chance, take a leap of faith, put your heart back on your sleeve and Love again! Because when you do you are going to realize that you are once again living! Because for so long you were just existing, getting by, being safe and never loving or being loved.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
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