The lack of the ability to sleep. Is the classic definition of Insomnia and it is an affliction that I have been battling for a very long time. I used to joke that I lived a Vampire life with my use of drugs I would be up all hours of the night. When I lived in Atlanta I would get high and walk the streets, and I always had a house full of people that surrounded me, but still I felt isolated and alone. Now that I am finished with that life, I am still plagued by the sleepless nights and it is wearing on my heart and mind a lot lately.
I have been reaching out to friends from the past trying to reconnect with them, once I had my heart attack in July I began to realize how important those people were and are too me. Yet, I have talked to a few, I can't seem to get them all to communicate with me on a regular basis. So instead of sleeping at night now my thoughts have turned to them and I am worried about them and wonder what they are each up too. I must admit that I feel responsible in a major way for each of them. At one point or another they were in my life as a partner, boyfriend or lover and I am wondering if they are suffering and going through many of the same things that I went through.
I wonder if they are lonely, suffering, going through recovery, or are still stuck in the Vampire life that I have left behind. Many of these individuals I introduced to the world of the needle and at one point one of the people I was associated with called me the angel of Death. I often wonder if that name might not be appropriate. I cannot change what I did in the past, but I never once stopped caring about any of the people who I dated or were in my life. The world of meth and it's culture is something that I have been intimately associated with for the last 20 years or more. I have met a score of people, shared my home with them, my drugs, and life with them. As more and more of my peer group is disappearing to death, drugs and disease I worry more for them then ever before. I want to rekindle those past friendships and relationships and see what has become of them. I am not proud of the person I was, but I am not ashamed because of it either.
Because of my past experiences I have met so many wonderful, unique and quality individuals that have left a huge impact on my life and have taught me so very much about myself and humanity in general. I still have a dream in which I bring as many of these people back together in my life and we share once again our passions, dreams and ambitions. It was never my intention to close myself off from them or lose contact with them. It is something that just happened over time and distance. Though I have been sporadic in my contact with them. I am hoping that by reaching out now as I have been doing that I will at least get the chance to see each and every one of them again. As I have been posting for weeks now, my 50th birthday will soon be upon us. My hope and wish is that from my 50th birthday onward to find as many of these past friends and acquaintances and put back together my extended family. I am not sure where or how this is going happen yet, but I am hoping that it will present itself in the near future.
But as I started this post about insomnia I guess I should explain what is actually happening to me, and it seems to be getting worse instead of better. In the 1990's and 2000's I was introduced to Meth and was mainly a smoker of the drug until much later. Sleep and being a night owl were always a thing of mine, but I never really had a problem falling asleep till recently when I came back to Florida in 2012. Now it seems like I cannot sleep at night at all. I can nap during the day but as soon as the sun goes down I am up and restless the whole night through. You would be amazed and surprised at all the movies I watch on my computer. I am also writing more in my blog which is a good thing actually. It is more for my benefit than anyone else's at this point. It helps me sort out my feelings and is a good coping mechanism for my anxiety and helps keep me from falling head long into depression.
I am not sure if the insomnia is a psychological issue or if it is something that has become a habit that has been ingrained into my pattern and is something that I am going to have to fight to break out of. It really makes it hard to go to doctor appointments in the morning when I am up all night, then I am tired all the next day. For the past 5 days I have been feeling terrible and I have been sleeping almost the whole day through. But, as I laid down again this evening thoughts of everyone kept crowding my mind and I am wondering what has been happening with them and where are the all right now, are they safe, are they struggling and what is it that they need or are doing and it has kept my brain going crazy. I had a totally different post planned about insomnia when I sat down at the computer and now this is what has hit the screen. I am thinking that I am going to change the title to searching for my lost family and see how it is received.
I miss Xavier, Sterling, Madison, Vito, Sa'corey, Nathan, Bobby, Kodi, Joe, Scotter, Peanut, Cam, and Robert. All of them were my extended family and each of them brought something into my life that non of the others did. There were others like Gregg, Mike, Mike Z, Brad, Heather, William, Max, Norico, Isis, and so many others that I just can't name them all. Tonight I am sitting here at my computer and I am thinking about all of you guys, and the ones that we lost like Linda, and Mike Rose and a few of the others. Life has not been the same for me since I left Atlanta, and I miss my friends and family and I wish nothing more than the best for all of you and I hope that you are doing well and are successful in whatever endeavors your are involved in. But I miss my place in your life and I miss your friendship and your love. I wold love to have a chance to make up for all the mistakes I made and have you all around me to celebrate my 50th birthday that is coming up.
There are many of you who have been in and out of my life for years and you know how much you all mean to me and that I want only the best for you and hope that you. I will continue to reach out to the past and try and reconnect with as many of these people as I can and hope that life is treating them better than it has been for me. But I don't know what the future holds and life is too short for me to plan anything more than just telling you that I love you all and I want you all to be happy and healthy and that I would like to see you all again. I would like to bring the entire family back together again and see if the world isn't better and kinder to us this time around. I am done with the drugs that drove me away from getting close to many of you as I wanted to and tore us totally apart in the end and it is one of the many reasons that I left Atlanta to begin with. I have been looking at my past and wishing there was a way to change what I had done. But the truth of the matter is if I did go back I wouldn't be the same person I am today without our challenges and interactions that we had. I needed to move on for the time that I did and maybe it is time for me to come back home and try and mend the broken fences and lives as best as I can. Life is too short for regrets and grudges, it is time to let them go and see what we can build from the dust of our past and see what the future has in store for us.
I hope that some of you read this and know just how much I care about you all and how much you all mean to me. If it wasn't for you all I wouldn't be here today. I would have left this world a long time ago. I love you and miss you all very much.
Uncle B
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