You have got to watch "Miracles from Heaven"

This past weekend a feel good Christian movie opened in theaters across the country.  I didn't know anything about it, but tonight i was searching for a movie to watch and came across "Miracles from Heaven"  starring Jennifer Garner, Queen Latifah and various other stars.  The story is very close to my very own story, except it was happening to a 10 year old little girl.  The story is based on a true story and much of it takes place in Burleson, Tx and Boston, Ma.  This story touched me at the very core of my being and I cried throughout the entire movie.

Some of you are believers and know all about faith and prayer.  Others of you may not know what I am talking about.  This story revolves around 2 different themes, one is the stress and strain that an illness can have on the family and the parents of the one who is sick.  But, it also revolves around this little girl and her faith that God was with her through everything.  So much so that her faith brought peace to another child that was suffering terribly from cancer. 

As you watch the movie unfold you will see how the mother's faith was tested, lost and then found again.  You also see that the little girl despite her pain never lost her faith and shared it with those that she came in contact with.  In the end a beautiful miracle unfolds and faith is restored and peace granted.

Pay close attention to the ending of the movie.  Be aware of all the different people that were behind the scenes that the family knew nothing about that were drawn into this little girl's life.  Many people behind the scenes worked through the Will of God and brought this girl's story to the attention of the people that needed to hear it most.  I promise you that even though you may not know it there are people all around you that are touched  and inspired by you whether you know it or not.

This story is a beautiful story and is something that I highly recommend watching.  For anyone who is struggling with their own faith, or who might be going through severe medical problems this film will give you inspiration and hope for a better future and total and complete healing. 

God is the great physician, He knows your body better than anyone.  If it is His will you will be totally and wholely delivered from whatever it is that you are going through.  Open your eyes, because whether you believe it or not miracles happen around you daily and if you are focused on the world and not on your spiritual walk you stand a big chance of missing them.  Prayer is a vehicle for our hopes and desires to be present to God.  Faith is believing without truly knowing the outcome. Faith is believing without seeing and if you have faith and use prayer anything is possible.

My story is very similar to little Annabel's so this really touched home for me.  I am so glad that I stumbled across this movie tonight because I needed to see it after the news that I got on Tuesday.  I know that I am not alone, I know that God is always with me and will carry me through the hardest times when I am weary and down hearted.  But, after seeing this movie I honestly know that I have nothing to fear.

Listen to that small still voice that speaks to you, know that you are in the Hands of God and that there is nothing that is impossible for those of us that believe.

I usually don't go out of my way to talk about movies in my blog, but this is something that I honestly think everyone should see.  I believe that this little girl got to speak with God and recieved the complete healing that she needed.  I also believe that her faith gave hope to little Haley and that made all the difference in the world for her.  Haley had no fear of dying and lived her last few weeks in harmony and peace.

I can tell you that 24 years ago I was diagnosed with cancer and was given 18 months to live.  I am still here and I still believe.

May God bless you and touch you tonight.  Take the time and watch the movie, I think you will be glad that you did.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

The death of Self

You may be wondering what I mean when I say that self must die.  During my recent hospitalizations I realized something profoundly important.  See, I know that God is with me and has His angels surrounding me at any given moment of the day.  We are truly never alone even when we feel that there is no one with us and feel weary and burdened.  Yet, the truth of the matter is that no matter what you are facing, going through, or experiencing we are truly never left alone and helpless.

Christians believe that when we are born again and baptized into our faith, that the Holy Spirit is imparted to us.  I believe this to mean that when we seek forgiveness for our sinful nature and repent of our sins before God, we are given a Comforter, whom I believe is the Holy Spirit and He takes up residence within us.  The Bible is pretty specific when talking about the Holy Spirit, rebirth and the indwelling and the Comforter is mentioned several times throughout the gospels.  However, when we are born again in Christ our spiritual body goes through a change and this change enables the Holy Spirit to take up residence within our being.  Remember that the body is a temple and should be treated as such and given the reverence and respect the House of the Lord deserves.

But what does it truly mean for one's self to die?  I believe that there comes a time when you realize that nothing you do would ever be enough to over come a problem or difficulty.  You may have some deep seeded fear or desire that you with the Lord to take care of. You bring it to Him in the form of prayer, and we are told that we are to leave it there.  What does that mean leave it there?  It means that once you present your problem to the Lord and lay it at His feet you must then walk away, do not think on it, dwell on it or worry about it ever again.  For if you do any of those things you have not truly left them at the feet of Jesus.

We all have had times when we feel that our prayers are going no higher than the ceiling and maybe you don't understand why, and you become anxious thinking that your prayer is not being answered or even heard. I want to reassure you that all prayers are heard, it is then our job to relinquish them and worry no more.  Know in your heart of hearts that the Lord is going to answer the prayer and deliver you from whatever circumstance you are going through.  Yet, here is the hard part, as humans we are used to doing things on our own, making a difference, and we almost always seem to use the term I.  I did this, I accomplished this, Look what I have done! etc.  Do you realize that you yourself are becoming a block to your own blessings?  Instead of giving credit where it is actually due, you are letting yourself get in the way.

So here I sit in a hospital bed, waiting to have a second surgery and hoping for the best possible outcome.  I know that there are hundreds of people out there right now praying for me.  They are praying for total healing, or maybe for skilled guidance of the surgeons hands or whatever the case maybe.  Those prayers are being heard even as they are thought of and uttered.  But, if I have not totally surrendered myself to the Will of God, I personally maybe the reason why those prayers are not fulfilled or realized.  I must let go of my fear, anxiety and worry and accept whatever God has planned for me and my life, I might miss out on all those powerful prayers that others are saying for me.

I know that even as the Father watches the sparrow, He is watching over me.  He will not allow me to needlessly let me suffer, and no matter what I am going through there is a lesson there that I must grasp and understand.  God is the great physician, He created this thing we call the body and He knows it down to it's smallest component.  He has graced me with the gift of life and if it be my time to go home than I shall rejoice with the Heavenly Host, but if it isn't my time then I have a lesson to learn and strength to be gathered from the experience.  I must truly surrender and accept that God is in control and He has the best healthcare plan in all the universe.

So I leave you now, knowing that I must have some sleep before the surgery in the morning and that I must give over and totally surrender everything I am and what I believe in order for me to receive the full blessing of the prayers that are being spoken on my behalf.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Alright God I am listening!

You have got my undivided attention.  Reveal to me the lesson I am supposed to have learned, what am I to teach others from what I have been through?  I need to know and understand why all of this is happening to me.  It is the day before Thanksgiving, at 2 in the morning, it is still pouring and my heart is weeping with the tears of confusion and lack of understanding.  Tomorrow is the day we are too give thanks for everything that has happened to us during the previous year and yet I am struggling to find one thing.  To understand all that has transpired and be happy with all that has passed.

Dear readers, in order for you to understand my confusion and pain I will have to go back and tell you of my year and maybe as I recount the events that have happened too me, I will be able to glimpse or glean the message that I was supposed to have learned on this journey.  Trust me you should probably sit yourself down for this narrative because it is a long one and starts at the very beginning of the year and is one in which I plan on telling you everything because somewhere there is a message I am sure of it.

Well, lets bring you all up to speed, then you will begin to see why I haven't written here in my blog very much at all this year at all.  January my partner and I were in Atlanta visiting. He had wanted to go up there to check in with his probation officer.  I decided to go with him, I was tired of chemotherapy and all the medical treatments and appointments I had been going through.  What I didn't know was that trouble was waiting for us on this trip and was going to change my life in a drastic way forever.

Everything was going okay we arrived and checked into the hotel with absolutely no problems at all.  I was tired but that was nothing new with the chemo that I was going through but we rushed into the hotel. I told him to bring in his weed from the car as we were carrying in the luggage, and he said "Naw just leave it there it is just a little bit and I will come down and get it later." Famous last words, we were in the hotel for 2 days and it remained in the car.  But that day he decided that he was going to go out and get us something to eat, I had to do my chemo that evening and it always seemed to make me more sick if I didn't eat right before I did it.  So he left the hotel, I was in the shower and I only had one bag of clothes we had left most of our other stuff in the car because we were going to change hotels the next day.  This included the rest of my medications and all of my other medical supplies.  I had no idea that disaster was about to strike and leave me in a very bad situation for the next 10 to 15 days.

What really happened that night I will never really know, all I am aware of at this time is that he was stopped and arrested, they had found the weed in the car and he was taken away with everything we owned.  I waited and waited to hear from him.  I finally got a call at 4 in the morning saying that he was arrested and that the car had been impounded.  So early the next morning I called every towing company that the dekalb county police used and finally found the car.  I called to see if I could get at least my stuff out of the car if not all of the stuff.  I explained that my medication, clothes and computers were in the car and that I needed them due to my cancer and illness.  I was told that if I could get a letter from the rental car company saying it was alright for the towing company to release the personal items too me I could come and get them.  Well, the rental car company wouldn't budge and let me have my possessions because I wasn't on the rental agreement.  This was the first time that he had rented the car solely in his name and because of that I was not given permission to get what I needed.

I was left in the hotel with no clothing, no medical supplies and very limited money because we were supposed be going home soon, we had already spent a week in the hotel and the plan was to leave that weekend and it was Wednesday when he got arrested.  I had only enough money to stay in a hotel for 2 more days.  Which is what I did, because I knew if he got out of jail he would know where to look for me and come back there.  At this time I didn't know that the car had also been wrecked, either by him or during the towing process.  All I know in the subsequent months since then that they have been coming after us to get payment for damages to the car in excess of what it was actually worth, and as of today I still do not have the belongings that were in the car.

Here I was in Atlanta pretty much stuck with no clothing, no ostomy supplies and no medication, and I knew that I wasn't supposed to stop the chemotherapy suddenly but what choice was there all the medication was locked up in the car and I had no way to get it out. I had no transportation and I was running out of money rapidly. Luckily I ran into an acquaintance, who was hanging out with one of my ex's.  They were able to take me to my best friends house and I was able to stay there in safety till I could find a way home.  The same acquaintance that took me to my best friend Chris's house offered to bring me back home to Florida if I paid for the gas. I agreed and we left now mind you by this time I had been staying at my friend's house for about 2 weeks, my ostomy appliance was falling off and my skin was burned from acid and erosion.  My ex's mother came and took me to the VA hospital in Atlanta and they were able to fix me up with some temporary supplies till I could get home. My ex Sterling ended up in the hospital for several days during this time he had a massive urinary tract infection and got extremely sick. So as you can tell nothing particularly was going my way already.

But, Mike the acquaintance that Sterling was hanging with was true to his word and brought me back to Daytona.  He also decided since he had no money to return right away to stay with me for a little while.  i am extremely glad that he did, even though his presence was later to cause great harm and yet save my life at the same time.  I was home 3 days when I had an aneurysm, if Mike hadn't gotten back to my apartment when he did and found me passed out in the bathroom bleeding all over the floor and called 911 I would have bled to death and died.  I had lapsed into a coma for 4 days and ended up having 28 blood transfusions and 3 surgeries, I barely pulled through.  I woke up to see my partner and Mike sitting next too me, it brought me strength and I was soon awake fully. However, while I was out Mike had gone to Atlanta and gotten my partner, who was released from jail.  He also proceeded to get all of his belongings out of storage and bring them down to Daytona, along with almost a full ounce of Methamphetamines. During the 9 days I was in the hospital my partner and him started getting high and having sex with all kinds of people and bringing people into my apartment which got the neighbors all upset.

Once I found out I tried to put a stop to the problem but the damage was already done, my partner was totally lost to the drugs, he had been shooting up a lot more than him and I had ever done and he was on a binge that was going to tear us apart.  Not even 3 weeks after my release from the hospital both my partner and Mike were back in Atlanta and I was left all alone.  I came to find out that neither my partner or Mike had paid rent while I was in the hospital and they were both gone and I was 3 months behind in rent, utilities and cable.  I talked to my dad about the situation and we both agreed that maybe I should try getting a girl roommate this time to help me get my bills caught up.  That was the worst mistake I have ever made in my life because the girl that came in came with a lot of baggage and friends and I ended up getting robbed twice and losing all my possessions. But that wasn't the worst my neighbors didn't like her friends and kept calling the police on me saying that suspicious activity was happening in my apartment and so the police became involved with my life.

I ended up getting arrested on possession of paraphernalia charges 3 times, as a matter of fact I am still going through some of those legal procedures right now and hopefully will have them  wrapped up before the holidays.  I stayed in my apartment as long as I could my father and my step mother helped me out as much as they could to get caught up on the bills.  But the damage was done, the neighbors and the police arrests got back to my landlord and I had to move from my home without any warning or notice due to suspicion and  rumours.  I was never arrested or charged with doing drugs, but everyone in the complex assumed or heard tale from one of the old women that lived there that I was a drug dealer and that I was doing and selling them out of my apartment.  That is how my recovery from the aneurysm and summer went.  On Memorial day weekend my back started hurting.  It hurt so bad that I went to the E.R. an x-ray was taken but nothing abnormal showed up on the x-ray so they sent me home with some pain pills.

Let me digress for a minute or two here.  I will never again sneeze or laugh at anyone who says that their back hurts, because I will tell you there is nothing like back pain, it is the worst kind of pain that you can experience because that is where are the nerves are and once it starts hurting your entire body feels the pain and you end up weak and not able to do even the smallest things.  Well, on with the narrative, my back started hurting and I ended up in bed for almost 2 weeks doing only the absolute minimum to get by.  Well from May till September I endured the pain in my back and it got progressively worse and worse. I ended up moving back in with my dad and step mom.  I was here about 3 weeks when I finally had enough I had been to the emergency room 19 times and was continually told that there was nothing wrong other than a strain.  Finally I got my primary care physician to look into it a lot closer.  Now, you may be wondering why it took me so long to get my primary involved.  Several factors actually, my dad telling me that I was faking it and that the pain was in my head, my ex coming back to get his clothes and not believing me that I was in pain and could barely drive and then my primary care doctor being out of the country for 2 1/2 months on some family business.

So finally, I ended up going to have an MRI and with just one pass of the machine, i was pulled out and wheeled into see the Radiologist.  He asked me how I had gotten to the office to have the MRI and I told him that I had driven, he asked me if there was anyone who could come and get my car. I told him that my dad and step mother were in Ormond Beach.  He wasted no time calling my father and telling him to come and get me and my car because I needed to be admitted to the hospital immediately I had a massive infection that was attacking my back and causing my vertebrae to collapse upon themselves and that if something was done to treat the infection I would be paralyzed in a matter of weeks.  I was immediately taken to the hospital where I remained for 15 days and from there I was put into a nursing home and rehab center where I stayed for 3 months.  Which brings me to the current.

I have been out of the nursing home a week and I have been doing okay.  Though I have had back to back doctors appointments since I have gotten out of there.  I have to tell you I have met with every doctor from neurologist to primary care, from surgeon to oncologist, even the neurosurgeon.  I was given hope that I could possibly have surgery and alleviate or even eliminate the pain I have in my back.  But, yestday was a day full of surprises. First some good news and then some not some good news. I found out that the tumors that I had removed on November 7th were benign and I will not have to go through additional chemotherapy. Remember that I had chemotherapy starting in October of last year that ran up till February of this year. So that at least is good news. The bad news comes from the neurosurgeon with whom I met this afternoon at 2 pm. It is unfortunate that he feels that he cannot operate to fix the hump in my back or do anything to alleviate the pain. According to him I will have to continue to endure this pain and walk with a cane or walker for perhaps the rest of my life. Now after speaking with my primary care physician last week I was under the impression that I would be able to go through a procedure called kyphoplasti. Kyphoplasti is a procedure that people who have osteoporosis can sometimes have the rebuilds you the vertebrae and would eliminate or at least alleviate some of the pain that I am going through. Upon research I had found cases where at least 3 levels of thoracic kyphoplasti have been performed successfully, unfortunately I would have to have 5 levels rebuilt and I was told in no uncertain terms that I would not survive the surgery and that he didn't even think him or any other surgeon would attempt to operate on me with my case history and surgical past.

I honestly didn't think that I could feel any worse from that news and situation but then here is how my day today went.  I guess today was not supposed to be my day either. After the shock of hearing all my health news I went home and went to bed never once noticing til yesterday morning that my wallet and every piece of identification was gone. I had an appointment with my case manager to recertify my Ryan White funding for another 6 months when I noticed for the first time my wallet was missing. I have searched my room high and low and cannot find it. Further, it was pouring rain all day yesterday and as you now know I walk with a cane. My case manager to help me told me to bring the car up to the curb so my paperwork wouldn't get wet. She would run it out to the curb as I pulled up. Well alas a good idea but as she was coming to the car the folder gave out and every piece of paper fell in the downpour and was soaked. As you can well imagine my mood and depression deepened. I came home an immediately climbed in my bed. It is now 1:58 am and I am just getting up, and it is still raining. It is almost like the sky is responding to the flood of tears in my heart. I pray that God will give me the strength to push through these setbacks and gain an understanding of why He has chosen me to carry these health issues and what I am meant to learn/teach because I fear I have missed the point!

So there you have it.  Almost dying, losing my home, my man, my credibility, my reputation, now my health and possibly my future of living a pain free existence as well as being dependent on walking aids to get around for the rest of my life.  I need you Lord to explain to me what it is that I have missed, what is the lesson that I am expected to learn, what should I have gotten from this journey, the pain, the loss and where do I go from here?

I am remaining faithful as you commanded Job because I see how you rewarded him for his stalwartness and I trying to be the man that you need and want me to be.  But I am struggling and grasping at things here.  Please Lord talk to me.  Make my way clear and give me the grace, guidance and strength that I need to gain this comprehension.  I know that I am strong enough because you wouldn't have given me this burden if I wasn't. So I am asking you to have Mercy on Your child and grant me the wish of my heart.  A joyful and happy Thanksgiving.

AMEN

It's 2 a.m. and I am still awake!

Believe it or not I went to bed rather early tonight, I had a very long day and couldn't find anything on television and didn't feel like watching a movie, so decided to call it quits.  I actually laid down and covered my head with the blanket and closed my eyes.  Slept maybe 2 hours and something woke me up, there was a chill in the air and I was uncomfortable. I got up went to the bathroom and decided to log back into Facebook.  There was nothing on my wall, but I noticed something over on the right hand side of the screen. My boyfriend's brother had put something up on his wall about being bored and so forth.  I have no idea what made me scroll through the list of posting notifications to find his name, but I did.  When I clicked on his name I was taken to his wall.  Now, a few weeks ago he was in Tacoma visiting my boyfriend and I had made some comments on his picture on my partners wall, but I never sent him a friends request I just subscribed to his public posts.  Anyhow, I digress and none of that is really important.  What is important is that when I got to his page, I saw a picture of my boyfriend all hooked up to wires and tubes sleeping in his hospital bed.   Now this in itself wasn't anything spectacular, except that it was.  See I checked the time stamp on the picture and it was posted at the same moment that I woke up.  Now believe it or not for some reason I thought that the surgery was supposed to be today Thursday, so you can imagine my surprise when I got a call earlier in the evening from my boyfriend telling me that he was out of surgery and that it was a success and that he was okay.  I knew that something was up from the tone of his voice so I asked what was going on and he told me that he was in a lot of pain, but that I needed to call him tomorrow on his cell that they were going to keep him overnight and possibly tomorrow.

Why I am telling you all of this is because at the exact moment that his brother put up the picture of him on Facebook and asked all of his friends and everyone else to keep him in prayer while he was recovering, I woke up from a dead sleep.  Was drawn to the computer and then to his page and the picture.  Of course a lot of the comments on the page were what happened, what's wrong, and that everyone was going to pray for him.  Which was very cool and greatly appreciated let me tell you!  I am a firm believer in the power of prayer and the awesome healing power of faith and God.  I was able to comment on the picture and let everyone know that I had talked to my guy and that he made it through surgery and everything was fine and that he was in pain, but everything else was good.  I was also able to take that picture and share it with my friends and loved ones on my page, and from there it was sent out to others. When I tell you that this was the start of a very powerful prayer chain you aren't going to believe how many people saw the picture clicked the like button and forwarded it on.  At last count is was over 3,000 people, and for each like = 1 prayer for a quick and speedy recovery.

When I tell you that God is good and great, answers prayer and delivers miracles in our daily life even today I hope that you believe me.  Because I am living proof. My life is a testament to the awesome healing power of God, the power of prayer and the simple act of faith.  Now, of course this is not about me, but I will tell you this much, in March of 2012, my partner was sitting exactly where I am on Facebook talking to his friends and asking for them to pray for me. My colon had ruptured in 2 places and I was rushed into emergency surgery and died on that operating table 3 times.  I spent 19 days in intensive care, and here I am whole and healthy talking to you.  God is the great Physician and the Ultimate Healer, and through prayer you can be delivered, all it takes is faith and being open and receptive to receive the blessings and miracles He will bestow upon you.  God is so good that it doesn't even have to be a surgery or an emergency to provide little miracles in our daily life.  But they are subtle and if you aren't watching you may miss them completely or even take them for granted.  Me finding this apartment and moving in and staying here for almost 3 weeks rent free without a lease or any binding agreement is proof of that.  I was sick when I was asked to  leave from where I was staying, as a matter of fact I was being driven to the emergency room when I was told that the room I was using was needed for someone else.  Within a matter of days I was able to move and get this place and be comfortable.  Yes finances have been tight, but you know what I have been here over a month and a half all by myself and making it.  Yes there has been some struggling on my part but the fact of the matter remains the prayer was answered.  I was delivered and a miracle took place.

Now, when my partner finally recovers from this surgery he has a home of his own to come home to.  This is a place that I found that suited our needs and it was with him in mind that I chose this location, and have been patiently waiting for him to be able to travel and come back to me.  I am thankful that the surgery finally took place, he had been waiting for so long and was so anxious as the date approached.  This too was an answered prayer, the timing was a little off for what we actually wanted because our original plans were that he was going to meet me in L.A. on Saturday and we were going to spend Christmas and New Years together this year since we were separated last year and didn't get to spend it together.  But, see God's timing is not like ours and this was God's will that the surgery took place now, and in the long run it is actually better that it happened this way.  Because now once he is recovered enough to travel he is still coming to meet me in L.A. and from there we are going to come back to Florida.  There is no more having to wait for the surgery, no more second guessing when the surgery is going to be, and he is now free to come home and be happy and work on the future.

I have to say all in all I couldn't have asked for a better Christmas gift than this.  It is also during times like this that the pettiness of life is stripped away and the truth is laid bare for the whole world to see.  Over the past 4 days or so things have been moving pretty fast for us, and communication was strained  and someone said something to me that caused me a moments pause, had me doubting the sincerity of my partners intentions and brought me darn close to questioning whether or not he loved me.  Had me looking in shadows and thinking things that may or may not be true.  Yet, tonight as I am sitting here talking to you and writing this it occurs to me that all that has gone on before is of the past.  It cannot be altered or changed and really doesn't matter a whole lot in the grand scheme of the world.  See I know the truth, I got the phone call from the hospital bed telling me that he loved me and that he was okay.  That he wanted to call me and let me know what was going on.  He could have easily had his mother or stepmother do it. They were both their at the hospital with him. But he picked up the phone in pain and under the heavy sedation and made the call to me so that I wouldn't be worried and that I would know that he was alive and well and in God's hands.  So all that petty crap, all the stuff that was floating around in my head was swept away with relief and happiness.

See it doesn't matter about any of that other stuff, nothing matters at all to me except that he made it through, everything else from this point forward is going to be new territory and we are going to face it together. Despite what anyone else has to say.  Trust me we made it this far together, there is nothing that is going to hold us back now. Keep this in mind always.  God doesn't care who you were, what you did! He only cares who you are, who you will be, and what you are going to do.  The past is just that the past, it cannot be changed, but the future is unwritten and you have a story to tell.  Be a beacon of hope, a light of truth, and friendship. Extend the hand of love and be conscientious of your fellow man's feelings.  If you do those things this world is going to be a brighter and happier place for all of us.  There is too much darkness and negativity in the world today, and the only way to combat it is with love, laughter and hope.  Face each new challenge with a positive attitude and faith in your heart and know that you are going to be victorious.  Here is another secret, only hate, evil and negativity thrives in darkness, and when it is exposed to light it withers, runs and fades away.  Love and friendship and laughter are the light my friends, and with God and prayer on your side you cannot loose.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

I want to tell you how amazing things can turn out!

Last nights entry was all about me embarking on a new phase of my life and how I had taken a leap of faith and just moved out of my parents house, and how things were going.  Well, let me tell you about the day that I have had today! Because miracles and wonders never stop around me.  Remember how I told you last night that you just need to step out, take a leap of faith and trust that God has your back.  Well, God surely looks out for those of us that are working hard to improve ourselves, let me tell you.  I moved all of my stuff last night to the hotel like I told you I was going to do.  I also told you that as I was unloading my car one of my co-workers came up to me and told me that I was going to have to pay a $200.00 deposit for staying there on top of the $363.28 I had already paid them.  It hurt my feelings and really kind of upset me if the truth must be told. Instead of wallowing and storing that anger, I wrote in my blog and then I prayed on the situation, left it at God's feet and went to sleep.

I had a really rough night, because apparently no one has stayed in that room in rather a long time.  Because in the middle of the night I woke up with my sinus full, eyes watering and me sneezing.  All I could smell was dust, the pillows were filled with, so was the blankets and the sheets, with me being allergic to dust I really wasn't feeling all that well.  Anyhow, I survived through the night and woke up this morning to make myself some coffee, and the coffee maker was filled with mold.  Now, you can imagine how upset I was about all of this, because the $200.00 deposit was to make sure that the room was clean and ready for the next person to just come right on in. Well, long story short once I saw the state of the coffee maker I decided to start looking around the room, and it was filthy.  The air conditioner was also full of dust, the bathtub had black foot prints in it and the floors throughout needed to be swept.

I got out the broom and was about to start cleaning up the place when my cell phone rang, and this guy Aaron called.  A woman I had met through work had given him my information, and told him that I was looking for a place to move into.  She told him a little about my situation and told him what a nice guy I am and so forth.  So, he decided to call me and offer to show me his condo that he has for rent. He went on to explain to me that it is a very large 2 bedroom with 1 bath, a nice size eat in kitchen with all new appliances.  He told me that the rent would be $700.00 a month, and that included everything but electric.  I explained to him that I had already given my money out on the hotel, and that I had no idea if I would get my money back.  He patiently listened to me and then said to me, well you know what the place is ready to move in and already has electric, you can either move in right away or stay at the hotel and move your stuff in slowly over the next two weeks, which ever I wanted to do, he had already paid the bills for this month, so he really wasn't losing any money at this point.  He told me to just go look at the place and make a decision.

So I went and looked at the place, and I loved it, it is large and quiet and perfect for me.  As a matter of fact it seemed like it was just made for me. It looks a lot like the apartment I had in East Point last year that I lost and I like the location of the place, it is convenient to everything the stores, walmart, work and only 12 miles away from my parents.  I honestly couldn't ask for anything better at this point.  But, this isn't all to the story, Aaron went on to tell me that I could stay in the apartment till the end of the month and owe him nothing and just work on getting the electric turned over into my name as soon as I could. He also told me that he was willing to work with me on the deposit.  That we would split it up over three months and that on the 3rd of November I would just have to pay him part of the deposit and the rent of $700.00.  Now, can you see the Hand of God working here?  I can, this man doesn't know me at all.  I took a leap of faith and stepped out of the comfort of home earlier than expected to make sure that everything was ready for my step-brother and his girlfriend's arrival, that way my step-mom wouldn't have to work so hard to get the room ready with just a little time before they get here.  Aaron is taking a leap of faith that he can trust me, letting me use the place and live here till we can get everything finalized and in writing.  That is God's work!  He is taking care of me just like I told you He would.

We never really know what the outcome of any decision we make is going to be.  We hope for the best and plan for the worst, and when we leave the situation in God's hands it always works out just exactly as it is meant too.  I knew that God had my back and I knew that no matter what I did I was going to make out okay.  That is exactly what happened.  I am so thankful for this and all of the many other blessings that God has given me this year.  All it take is a little patience, effort and faith and things turn out just the way God wants them too.  I am now safe and in my new home, and since I never took possession of the hotel, on Monday I am going to go back and ask for a refund of my money.  I may loose a little bit of it, but guess what in the long run it was worth the effort.

Yesterday when I was writing to you I had no idea how things were going to turn out for me. I didn't know if I would ever find a place to call home, nor did I think I was going to be able to make it with how tight money is for me right now, and I was worried about all of these things and a whole lot more. Now if my boyfriend comes around we have a place that is our home, and I am happy that everything worked out exactly as it did.  There might be a little friction trying to get my money back, but I think that once I take my coworker up and show her the room and prove that I haven't been in there, that she will stand by me as I try to get my cash back from my boss.

So again I tell you that sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith and do something, anything, put forth some effort, because as the Bible tells us God helps those that help themselves and here is living testimony of that fact.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

What is meant to be always finds a way!

With this line of thinking I have opened for myself a whole can of worms, I am not sure I can find the answers for which my line of thought has been leading me too.  It all started yesterday with the shooting at the Dark Knight premiere in Colorado.  Jessica Redfield a sports blogger and upcoming journalist from Denver, had narrowly escaped being killed a month before in a shooting spree that took place in a Toronto Mall, met her tragic death at the premiere of the Dark Knight Rises, Thursday night, Friday morning.  This has brought up in my mind the question of Destiny, pre-ordination, and fate. These are questions that haunt me and make me question whether, our lives are all pre-written, is our future locked in stone and unchangeable? 

This pictures seems to answer that question:  It seems to indicate that our lives are on a path, and that our futures are pre-written.

I have been praying and thinking on this for awhile trying to understand exactly what this means.  I believe that our future is a series of possibilities and probabilities, and that depending on the decisions and actions we take at specific points in our lives is what dictates what our possible future might be.  So while it may appear that our future is cut in stone and unchangeable.  It is not!  What are forged in stone are way-points or milestones which are decision points, where our choice and probabilities unfold the next path our journey.

As I have been thinking on this an analyzing my thoughts on destiny, fate, future, and how it unfolds.  I think that because we have free will and choice, that there are only predefined events, which I have called way-points or milestones in our lives. You can think of these sort of as save points in windows.  Places where you are making a change or decision and you have to save a place in-case something goes wrong and you have to go back.  Unfortunately, we as people don't have to ability to go back and undo or change what has happened like a computer, but we do have significant places of decision.  This is where I think we have the ability to change or re-write our future, based on the choices we make.  

Now, I want you to think on this, we make a thousand decisions a minute sometimes, and our brain is able to process this in a way that we hardly have to take the time out to consider them all, but in actuality, each decision that we make can influence the outcome of our future. If you understand where I am coming from you might begin to see that for each and every decision there are thousands of possible solutions. Not just the obvious ones we routinely choose from.  I believe that each time we make a decision we set the direction our future will take.  If we take the time to actually think about an analyze each and every question, decision, action that we are faced with and actually, literally and truthfully look at these, there are many different answers, actions, choices we could make.  Some may not be easily seen or recognized because they are abstract and are outside of our norm.  When I am talking about our norm, this is actually our rational pattern that we have adopted, it is what makes us predictable and sort of defines us.  I think that if you are really wanting to change your destiny, outcome and fate, you must at times break out of your pattern of behavior, and think outside of the box, and take a different path then what has always been comfortable with you. 

It may also be easier to look at things from multiple perspectives when trying to make a decision.  Now, as I have pointed out our lifetimes are filled with decision points, way-points, milestones and how do we know which ones are the major ones.  The ones that are going to change our lives and re-write our fate, history and our future?  The answer is we don't! This is the honest answer, because I know sometimes it is easy to see where major concerns, questions, and paths can lead to different outcomes, but it is also my contention that the smallest decision can also greatly influence the path that you are one.  I do not believe that life is easy or was made to be easy at all.  That each question should be a challenge to our thinking and our pattern.

There are several schools of thought on this.  You have certain religions, that don't believe that the future is at all pre-ordained and that it is exemplified by us having free will. Unfortunately, I wish that was true.  Another school of thought is that of chaos, that all things originate and return to chaos.  I hesitate and think that they aren't exactly on the right path either.  I don't think that it is easy to see the future, and I don't believe that are path is written, I do however, belief that there are spots, in our lives that we have to face and go through. These are the portions of our history that are foretold, they are inevitable and are going to happen no matter what we do or how we plan around them.  It is from these points that our actions, reactions and choices dictate where we go next and how well we do.  Until we reach the next way-point or milestone.   The picture above is what I am referring to when I talk about this.  It says "Whats meant to be will always find a way", some of you may think that this is disheartening, that it takes away hope and faith.  But it actuality it should do just the opposite.  See, it is not only referring to the bad things and the tragedy's in our lives and future, but also the good things and the blessings we are going to receive.  

It is unfortunate, about Jessica Redfield and that she lost her life, but in a way using that picture above, I can sort of make some sense of this terrible tragedy.  See, and here you probably won't agree with me, but that is okay, because I am not expecting everyone to agree with everything I have to say, and I am just following a thought to a conclusion, whether it is right or wrong will depend entirely up to you. Because the truth of the matter is this, what may be right and true for one person may not be accurate and true for you.  That is the amazing thing about life and philosophy, and the spiritual journey that we are all on.  It is your own path and your own set of truths that are going to be revealed for you. Some of the things you learn on your journey are going to help you and others, and some aren't.  Further, what another person learns on their journey may help you and then again it may help everyone but you, because your walk is different from their's.    As I was saying, Jessica narrowly escaped the mall shooting in Toronto a month ago, only to find her life taken from her at a movie premiere.  I think it is sad and pointless for her to have died, but I do realize that maybe it was meant for her to have died, and so another way had to happen for it to take place. 

You may say how can you think like that, and that other people died too at the same time.  I am not saying that this was her fault or doing at all. I think that each of us have an allotted time and when our time comes, and death arrives to take us, it is our time and we must go.  I think that it was her time and that of the others that went with her, the circumstances of how and why it happened are terrible, and I won't pretend to understand the motivation of the man that committed these acts.  Because the truth is I don't really understand at all what would make another person feel comfortable with or even dream of hurting another person, much less taking their life.  Because to me Life is the greatest gift that we have been given, and we should protect it and guard it jealously, because it is the only one we get, and we should cherish it always.  

I know sometimes it might be hard to cherish life, especially if you are sick or have been hurt. But, guess what, I think it is at those times when we are truly vulnerable and can see our own mortality, that we are more appreciative and thankful for what we have been granted.  Jessica wrote in her blog something that is inspiring and very touching that I would like to also share with you, because I find that it is one of the reasons why I write to you and talk about all these things. She had written in her blog after the shootings in Toronto the following: "I was reminded that we don't know when or where our time on Earth will end."  Because it is true that we never know when we are going to die or even how, I suggest resolving conflicts in your life, never leave anyone with an angry word, and be honest and tell people that you care about how much you love them.  I know how hard it is to loose someone and not have the chance to say goodbye and reconcile things with them when you have parted on less then perfect terms and how you hold that shame and regret with you every day that you are alive.  

Please walk away from reading this with the understanding that I don't believe that any one future, is absolute, that I believe that when confronted with a choice, a way-point or milestone, there are an infinite number of solutions or directions we can take, and how we choose and the choice we make, dictate the direction our lives are going to follow.  There are only but single moments in our personal history that can be predicted, and those moments are what cannot be changed, and are what is meant to be. These are the task, questions, and decisions that we have to make, and if we follow suit in our own natural pattern, our future might be predictable and even seen.  However, if you routine, try to think outside of the box and change your pattern for the betterment of you and those around you. You constantly write and choose your own path and future.  There are millions of possible futures open to you, but only one leads to a bright, perfect and happy one.  Choose wisely and think through everything. Take the philosophers journey with me and explore the meaning of everything and question all.  Might be fascinating to learn the results.  

With all of that being said, I would like to leave you with the following thoughts.  "Shit happens!" and my answer to it is: "So what, Who Cares...Get over It!"  Trust me this makes life so much easier to deal with and to be ready to accept what is thrown at you.  

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Thought you might like an update....

For those of you who don't follow me on Facebook, I figured I would give you an update on my status and why I haven't written much in the past 2 weeks.  For those of you that do follow me on Facebook this might be a little repetitive and for that I apologize.  However, you might find out a little more here since space is sort of limited on Facebook as to what I can post.

Anyhow, July 3rd, I decided to buy a scooter as a mode of transportation to get to and from different events.  I figured this would give me a little more independence and give my parents some slack in running me around.  But as usual if it wasn't for bad luck I wouldn't have any luck, and no matter how much planning I seem to do to accomplish a task, something inevitably goes wrong every time.  So I shouldn't be at all surprised that as soon as I paid for the thing disaster was poised to strike.  Now, you must keep in mind that my father was against me getting this thing from the very beginning and as such has been almost unbearable to live with because of the "I told you so's" and "You never listen to anything I have to say".

Now, not even 10 minutes after I paid for the darn thing, I decided to take a spin around the block just to check it out, I was turning around in a little apartment complex and was sitting at the stop sign waiting to turn right.  Just as I was beginning to go I felt a jolt from behind and the scooter went out of control and started heading for the ditch on the opposite side of the street.  The bad thing is as it was heading toward the ditch, it tipped to the left and I was pinned underneath it as it slid across the pavement.  Needless to say I have lacerations and cuts from top of my head to my foot along the whole left side of my body.  I also broke my ankle in this endeavor.  Before I knew what was happening I flagged down a car and asked them to help me, I knew my head was bleeding but I didn't think I was hurt very badly.  As a matter of fact I kept insisting I was fine as they were trying to strap me down to a backboard.  Now, 2 officers responded to the scene and an ambulance and fire truck, and within minutes I was whisked away to the hospital.

After what seemed like forever, I was examined by the doctor and taken off the backboard, and laid on the bed to get more comfortable.  Now, you all know me and I am a crazy person, I do things that are risky all the time but this wasn't something that I thought was a risk at all.  I was wrong, if you want to know more about that look at my blog entry on "Advice Freely Given".  All I can say at this point is I am glad I am alive and I wasn't hurt more than I was.  Because I just had surgery on June 18th and I had staples from my breast bone to my groin, and honestly I had no business driving let alone being on a scooter.  All that being said, the staples were examined and removed on Friday the 6th of July and everything was fine until Sunday morning.  When I woke up I felt a sharp pain and itching sensation in my abdomen and when I looked 3 sutures had worked their way to the surface of my incision line.  I went to the surgeon today and found out that they are there because when he operated on me he had to cut the muscles and tissue to remove scar tissue and adhesion's that had formed from all my previous surgeries and these sutures are to hold the muscle and tissue in place so they heal properly.

The ends were very sharp and that is what was cutting and scratching my skin and causing me some discomfort.  The bad news was he was unable to remove the sutures because it is still too early and the healing isn't complete.  He told me that the knots had to stay in for at least another month.  He also told me to not be alarmed if they broke through the incision and came to the surface over time.  He was able however to cut the ends off the knots so that they would no longer irritate my skin and tissue and with that being done, I should start to feel better soon.  Directly after leaving the surgeon's office, I went to the orthopedic surgeons office to have my ankle evaluated and was delighted to find out that the actual break wasn't as bad as I had first thought.

I was able to have a walking cast put on, and told that it should only have to stay in place for 4 weeks which is another great piece of news because originally I was told I would be off my foot entirely for the next 12 weeks.  I am probably going to have a lot of scaring because of the abrasions I sustained in the accident but overall I things are definitely looking better than first thought.  Now I am hoping that tomorrow when I go to see the scooter and the damage from the accident the same will be true there as well.  I know my parents are totally against me getting the thing fixed and riding it, and I am not sure I would be brave enough to get back on it right away. But like anything else in my life, I am not going to let it get me down and hold me back.  So regardless of what they have to say, my intention is to get it repaired and fixed up the way I want it.  From that point if I want to sell it or keep it the choice is mine.  See, I set myself on this course and the end result is still the same.  Even though they are mad and think I have wasted the money I have.  The fact of the matter is I made the choice now, I have to live with it.  From my point of view when you are handed lemons, make lemon aide, further I refuse to look at this as a negative, I find it easier to deal with the turmoils in my life when I can find the positive in the events that have taken place.

I wish everyone could do that and not dwell on the "I told you so's" and "why don't you listen" and "I was right and you were wrong" because frankly that just causes hard feelings and doesn't really accomplish anything.  As with all things in my life I will get over it and I have learned something along the way.  I find that humans learn better by failing and getting hurt than by not trying at all.  Pain gives us the impetus to keep from making the same mistake twice, and trust me I now know what I am doing and will be on guard against it from happening again.  Plus, it is ridiculous to think that an accident is something that was ordained. It wasn't planned hence calling it an accident, and guess what I am still alive and the material possession can be fixed or replaced.  How could I have possibly have known that I was going to get hit by someone and that all of this would have transpired?  I couldn't and even if I had a crystal ball and divine guidance I probably only would have seen probable futures, because until the events actually unfold many different variables come into play.

Like I said I will not let this get me down or defeat me, and no matter how my parents treat me because of this situation I am still going to do what I think is best. I keep in mind that everyone makes mistakes and my favorite analogy springs to mind "Shit Happens".  It is time to keep my head up and keep moving forward,  because as my best friend would say "So What, Who Cares, Get over it!"

For some other good news, I spent the day in Orlando yesterday with the VA.  Met with the infectious disease doctor, and my HIV viral load is back to undetectable and my CD4 count is 298 and climbing.  Further, there have been no complications to the Hep C, and it looks like the treatment is going to eradicate the disease from my body totally without permanent damage.  In other words, even though my surgery didn't go quite as expected, my body has begun fighting for itself and is doing a great job of putting everything in check.  They have also down graded my renal disease from stage 4 to stage 2 and it is steadily improving, there is only going to be a slight impairment.  My damaged kidney has somehow found new life and is responding well to drinking of water and the new medications I have been given.  Maybe by September they will have fixed the kidneys sufficiently to say that the renal disease is in remission.

Now keep in mind that all of this is being accomplished because so many people out there are praying for my recovery, and I know that God is answering those prayers, and I am thankful beyond all understanding for that.  When I came to Florida, I had come home to die, and now it looks like things are finally starting to turn around and I will be granted more time.  I know I can't hope for 10 more years, but 3 to 5 sounds good too me.

Anyhow, sorry I haven't been writing as much, just been in a lot of pain and under the influence of some pretty hefty drugs.  I do plan on getting back to working on my blog daily starting tomorrow.  I hope you all will keep on reading.  You never know what you are going to find here.  I live a very exciting life and I can promise you my days are far from boring.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you.

Uncle B