I woke up this morning with the usual suspects..aches, pains and that persistent cough. But the other thing I woke up to was the phone ringing and a pleasant and happy sounding voice on the other end of the line. Often it is the opposite when the phone rings in this house. You have know idea who is going to be at the other end of the phone, and in my case it is usually bill collectors calling about this hospital bill or lab test that I haven't been able to pay for. See no matter what I do it seems impossible for me to cover all the expenses that this illness has brought to me. I do have medicare, and I now have insurance from the company I work for but it still doesn't cover everything.
Even with the President's attempts to help people like me with the new healthcare legislation the slope is still very slippery, and now the choices that we have aren't all that clear to us. Plus, none seem to cover everything and I am still stuck in a situation where I have to pay large sums of money to receive the care that I need just to survive. Not to mention the cost of the prescription drugs that I have to take for my HIV, which are not covered in the formulary for medicare's 100 percent coverage. I still have to pay over a $1000.00 per perscription per month for my drugs, though my antibiotics and most other medicines are covered at 100%.
Now, for those of you not in Florida this morning's weather is quite cloudy with heavy wind gusts and it is cooler than I am used too. It has been like this since Friday and I am hoping that the cloud cover will dissapate soon. However, as I said in the title it maybe dreary or gloomy outside but my inside is full of happiness and cheer. Despite the fact that I have been sick with bronchitis I woke up this morning with a song in my heart and a hope for a great and blessing filled week. Like I wrote last night I have been going through the motions of living for the past year. I mean I have been going to treatments, working, hanging out with my partner and basically doing the day to day minimum to life, but I haven't been out there in the fore front of activity. I haven't been to a Positive Champions Speakers Bureau meeting in a year, or PCHAP or any of the other organizations that I was a member and active participant of. You may ask me why is that, and I would have to tell you because I haven't felt good, that I haven't had the time or energy and honestly my health hasn't been up too it. Every one of those things is the truth and even individually on their own would keep a normal person from participating. But as you know I am far from normal and I am usually pretty active. However, I just couldn't get into the groove of things this past year and I let so much slide.
Yet, for whatever reason this morning has been different and I feel a renewed energy and a sense of purpose that I haven't felt in quite awhile and despite my cold and bronchitis I feel that I need to be up and doing something. I have made coffee already and several phone calls and the day has barely begun. I think that my long road of holding has finally come to an end.
This has happened to me one other time in my life when I went from being in an extensive pattern of holding to bursting forth from it with a renewed vigor and I can tell you it was the Summer of 2008 after my last ileostomy. It was June, I remember precisely because it was before Atlanta changed the dates on their Gay Pride celebrations. I had gone through 2 years of intense holding because of repeated surgeries on my colon and abdomin. Finally I woke up one June morning and decided to put on shorts and go out into the world and see if anyone noticed that I was wearing a colostomy bag. Guess what they didn't and my sense of self and self esteem were tremendously bolstered by that fact. Then I learned techniques that have kept it hidden from everyone until I have been ready to reveal it and that too helped my confidence level. See it took me taking that step out there and going on blind faith to get out of that pattern and break the mold that was holding me in fear and self-loathing and let me tell you that having bags to use the rest room is quite a morale deterrent and something that I had to live through and get over. Going out into public and having people seem me as totally normal and not noticing that the bags were there was a big boost to my ego, self confidence and so forth. That day changed the way I viewed myself and the way I let other perceive me as well. Today I woke up with that same renewed feeling of self confidence and hope for a brighter tomorrow.
Remember it is not the outside package that means anything at all it is what you have on the inside that matters. Hold yourself with self confidence and poise and you will attract others like yourself too you and things will start to look up.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Showing posts with label awareness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label awareness. Show all posts
Monday, November 4, 2013
Thursday, December 6, 2012
It's 2 a.m. and I am still awake!
Believe it or not I went to bed rather early tonight, I had a very long day and couldn't find anything on television and didn't feel like watching a movie, so decided to call it quits. I actually laid down and covered my head with the blanket and closed my eyes. Slept maybe 2 hours and something woke me up, there was a chill in the air and I was uncomfortable. I got up went to the bathroom and decided to log back into Facebook. There was nothing on my wall, but I noticed something over on the right hand side of the screen. My boyfriend's brother had put something up on his wall about being bored and so forth. I have no idea what made me scroll through the list of posting notifications to find his name, but I did. When I clicked on his name I was taken to his wall. Now, a few weeks ago he was in Tacoma visiting my boyfriend and I had made some comments on his picture on my partners wall, but I never sent him a friends request I just subscribed to his public posts. Anyhow, I digress and none of that is really important. What is important is that when I got to his page, I saw a picture of my boyfriend all hooked up to wires and tubes sleeping in his hospital bed. Now this in itself wasn't anything spectacular, except that it was. See I checked the time stamp on the picture and it was posted at the same moment that I woke up. Now believe it or not for some reason I thought that the surgery was supposed to be today Thursday, so you can imagine my surprise when I got a call earlier in the evening from my boyfriend telling me that he was out of surgery and that it was a success and that he was okay. I knew that something was up from the tone of his voice so I asked what was going on and he told me that he was in a lot of pain, but that I needed to call him tomorrow on his cell that they were going to keep him overnight and possibly tomorrow.
Why I am telling you all of this is because at the exact moment that his brother put up the picture of him on Facebook and asked all of his friends and everyone else to keep him in prayer while he was recovering, I woke up from a dead sleep. Was drawn to the computer and then to his page and the picture. Of course a lot of the comments on the page were what happened, what's wrong, and that everyone was going to pray for him. Which was very cool and greatly appreciated let me tell you! I am a firm believer in the power of prayer and the awesome healing power of faith and God. I was able to comment on the picture and let everyone know that I had talked to my guy and that he made it through surgery and everything was fine and that he was in pain, but everything else was good. I was also able to take that picture and share it with my friends and loved ones on my page, and from there it was sent out to others. When I tell you that this was the start of a very powerful prayer chain you aren't going to believe how many people saw the picture clicked the like button and forwarded it on. At last count is was over 3,000 people, and for each like = 1 prayer for a quick and speedy recovery.
When I tell you that God is good and great, answers prayer and delivers miracles in our daily life even today I hope that you believe me. Because I am living proof. My life is a testament to the awesome healing power of God, the power of prayer and the simple act of faith. Now, of course this is not about me, but I will tell you this much, in March of 2012, my partner was sitting exactly where I am on Facebook talking to his friends and asking for them to pray for me. My colon had ruptured in 2 places and I was rushed into emergency surgery and died on that operating table 3 times. I spent 19 days in intensive care, and here I am whole and healthy talking to you. God is the great Physician and the Ultimate Healer, and through prayer you can be delivered, all it takes is faith and being open and receptive to receive the blessings and miracles He will bestow upon you. God is so good that it doesn't even have to be a surgery or an emergency to provide little miracles in our daily life. But they are subtle and if you aren't watching you may miss them completely or even take them for granted. Me finding this apartment and moving in and staying here for almost 3 weeks rent free without a lease or any binding agreement is proof of that. I was sick when I was asked to leave from where I was staying, as a matter of fact I was being driven to the emergency room when I was told that the room I was using was needed for someone else. Within a matter of days I was able to move and get this place and be comfortable. Yes finances have been tight, but you know what I have been here over a month and a half all by myself and making it. Yes there has been some struggling on my part but the fact of the matter remains the prayer was answered. I was delivered and a miracle took place.
Now, when my partner finally recovers from this surgery he has a home of his own to come home to. This is a place that I found that suited our needs and it was with him in mind that I chose this location, and have been patiently waiting for him to be able to travel and come back to me. I am thankful that the surgery finally took place, he had been waiting for so long and was so anxious as the date approached. This too was an answered prayer, the timing was a little off for what we actually wanted because our original plans were that he was going to meet me in L.A. on Saturday and we were going to spend Christmas and New Years together this year since we were separated last year and didn't get to spend it together. But, see God's timing is not like ours and this was God's will that the surgery took place now, and in the long run it is actually better that it happened this way. Because now once he is recovered enough to travel he is still coming to meet me in L.A. and from there we are going to come back to Florida. There is no more having to wait for the surgery, no more second guessing when the surgery is going to be, and he is now free to come home and be happy and work on the future.
I have to say all in all I couldn't have asked for a better Christmas gift than this. It is also during times like this that the pettiness of life is stripped away and the truth is laid bare for the whole world to see. Over the past 4 days or so things have been moving pretty fast for us, and communication was strained and someone said something to me that caused me a moments pause, had me doubting the sincerity of my partners intentions and brought me darn close to questioning whether or not he loved me. Had me looking in shadows and thinking things that may or may not be true. Yet, tonight as I am sitting here talking to you and writing this it occurs to me that all that has gone on before is of the past. It cannot be altered or changed and really doesn't matter a whole lot in the grand scheme of the world. See I know the truth, I got the phone call from the hospital bed telling me that he loved me and that he was okay. That he wanted to call me and let me know what was going on. He could have easily had his mother or stepmother do it. They were both their at the hospital with him. But he picked up the phone in pain and under the heavy sedation and made the call to me so that I wouldn't be worried and that I would know that he was alive and well and in God's hands. So all that petty crap, all the stuff that was floating around in my head was swept away with relief and happiness.
See it doesn't matter about any of that other stuff, nothing matters at all to me except that he made it through, everything else from this point forward is going to be new territory and we are going to face it together. Despite what anyone else has to say. Trust me we made it this far together, there is nothing that is going to hold us back now. Keep this in mind always. God doesn't care who you were, what you did! He only cares who you are, who you will be, and what you are going to do. The past is just that the past, it cannot be changed, but the future is unwritten and you have a story to tell. Be a beacon of hope, a light of truth, and friendship. Extend the hand of love and be conscientious of your fellow man's feelings. If you do those things this world is going to be a brighter and happier place for all of us. There is too much darkness and negativity in the world today, and the only way to combat it is with love, laughter and hope. Face each new challenge with a positive attitude and faith in your heart and know that you are going to be victorious. Here is another secret, only hate, evil and negativity thrives in darkness, and when it is exposed to light it withers, runs and fades away. Love and friendship and laughter are the light my friends, and with God and prayer on your side you cannot loose.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Why I am telling you all of this is because at the exact moment that his brother put up the picture of him on Facebook and asked all of his friends and everyone else to keep him in prayer while he was recovering, I woke up from a dead sleep. Was drawn to the computer and then to his page and the picture. Of course a lot of the comments on the page were what happened, what's wrong, and that everyone was going to pray for him. Which was very cool and greatly appreciated let me tell you! I am a firm believer in the power of prayer and the awesome healing power of faith and God. I was able to comment on the picture and let everyone know that I had talked to my guy and that he made it through surgery and everything was fine and that he was in pain, but everything else was good. I was also able to take that picture and share it with my friends and loved ones on my page, and from there it was sent out to others. When I tell you that this was the start of a very powerful prayer chain you aren't going to believe how many people saw the picture clicked the like button and forwarded it on. At last count is was over 3,000 people, and for each like = 1 prayer for a quick and speedy recovery.
When I tell you that God is good and great, answers prayer and delivers miracles in our daily life even today I hope that you believe me. Because I am living proof. My life is a testament to the awesome healing power of God, the power of prayer and the simple act of faith. Now, of course this is not about me, but I will tell you this much, in March of 2012, my partner was sitting exactly where I am on Facebook talking to his friends and asking for them to pray for me. My colon had ruptured in 2 places and I was rushed into emergency surgery and died on that operating table 3 times. I spent 19 days in intensive care, and here I am whole and healthy talking to you. God is the great Physician and the Ultimate Healer, and through prayer you can be delivered, all it takes is faith and being open and receptive to receive the blessings and miracles He will bestow upon you. God is so good that it doesn't even have to be a surgery or an emergency to provide little miracles in our daily life. But they are subtle and if you aren't watching you may miss them completely or even take them for granted. Me finding this apartment and moving in and staying here for almost 3 weeks rent free without a lease or any binding agreement is proof of that. I was sick when I was asked to leave from where I was staying, as a matter of fact I was being driven to the emergency room when I was told that the room I was using was needed for someone else. Within a matter of days I was able to move and get this place and be comfortable. Yes finances have been tight, but you know what I have been here over a month and a half all by myself and making it. Yes there has been some struggling on my part but the fact of the matter remains the prayer was answered. I was delivered and a miracle took place.
Now, when my partner finally recovers from this surgery he has a home of his own to come home to. This is a place that I found that suited our needs and it was with him in mind that I chose this location, and have been patiently waiting for him to be able to travel and come back to me. I am thankful that the surgery finally took place, he had been waiting for so long and was so anxious as the date approached. This too was an answered prayer, the timing was a little off for what we actually wanted because our original plans were that he was going to meet me in L.A. on Saturday and we were going to spend Christmas and New Years together this year since we were separated last year and didn't get to spend it together. But, see God's timing is not like ours and this was God's will that the surgery took place now, and in the long run it is actually better that it happened this way. Because now once he is recovered enough to travel he is still coming to meet me in L.A. and from there we are going to come back to Florida. There is no more having to wait for the surgery, no more second guessing when the surgery is going to be, and he is now free to come home and be happy and work on the future.
I have to say all in all I couldn't have asked for a better Christmas gift than this. It is also during times like this that the pettiness of life is stripped away and the truth is laid bare for the whole world to see. Over the past 4 days or so things have been moving pretty fast for us, and communication was strained and someone said something to me that caused me a moments pause, had me doubting the sincerity of my partners intentions and brought me darn close to questioning whether or not he loved me. Had me looking in shadows and thinking things that may or may not be true. Yet, tonight as I am sitting here talking to you and writing this it occurs to me that all that has gone on before is of the past. It cannot be altered or changed and really doesn't matter a whole lot in the grand scheme of the world. See I know the truth, I got the phone call from the hospital bed telling me that he loved me and that he was okay. That he wanted to call me and let me know what was going on. He could have easily had his mother or stepmother do it. They were both their at the hospital with him. But he picked up the phone in pain and under the heavy sedation and made the call to me so that I wouldn't be worried and that I would know that he was alive and well and in God's hands. So all that petty crap, all the stuff that was floating around in my head was swept away with relief and happiness.
See it doesn't matter about any of that other stuff, nothing matters at all to me except that he made it through, everything else from this point forward is going to be new territory and we are going to face it together. Despite what anyone else has to say. Trust me we made it this far together, there is nothing that is going to hold us back now. Keep this in mind always. God doesn't care who you were, what you did! He only cares who you are, who you will be, and what you are going to do. The past is just that the past, it cannot be changed, but the future is unwritten and you have a story to tell. Be a beacon of hope, a light of truth, and friendship. Extend the hand of love and be conscientious of your fellow man's feelings. If you do those things this world is going to be a brighter and happier place for all of us. There is too much darkness and negativity in the world today, and the only way to combat it is with love, laughter and hope. Face each new challenge with a positive attitude and faith in your heart and know that you are going to be victorious. Here is another secret, only hate, evil and negativity thrives in darkness, and when it is exposed to light it withers, runs and fades away. Love and friendship and laughter are the light my friends, and with God and prayer on your side you cannot loose.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
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