I woke up this morning with the usual suspects..aches, pains and that persistent cough. But the other thing I woke up to was the phone ringing and a pleasant and happy sounding voice on the other end of the line. Often it is the opposite when the phone rings in this house. You have know idea who is going to be at the other end of the phone, and in my case it is usually bill collectors calling about this hospital bill or lab test that I haven't been able to pay for. See no matter what I do it seems impossible for me to cover all the expenses that this illness has brought to me. I do have medicare, and I now have insurance from the company I work for but it still doesn't cover everything.
Even with the President's attempts to help people like me with the new healthcare legislation the slope is still very slippery, and now the choices that we have aren't all that clear to us. Plus, none seem to cover everything and I am still stuck in a situation where I have to pay large sums of money to receive the care that I need just to survive. Not to mention the cost of the prescription drugs that I have to take for my HIV, which are not covered in the formulary for medicare's 100 percent coverage. I still have to pay over a $1000.00 per perscription per month for my drugs, though my antibiotics and most other medicines are covered at 100%.
Now, for those of you not in Florida this morning's weather is quite cloudy with heavy wind gusts and it is cooler than I am used too. It has been like this since Friday and I am hoping that the cloud cover will dissapate soon. However, as I said in the title it maybe dreary or gloomy outside but my inside is full of happiness and cheer. Despite the fact that I have been sick with bronchitis I woke up this morning with a song in my heart and a hope for a great and blessing filled week. Like I wrote last night I have been going through the motions of living for the past year. I mean I have been going to treatments, working, hanging out with my partner and basically doing the day to day minimum to life, but I haven't been out there in the fore front of activity. I haven't been to a Positive Champions Speakers Bureau meeting in a year, or PCHAP or any of the other organizations that I was a member and active participant of. You may ask me why is that, and I would have to tell you because I haven't felt good, that I haven't had the time or energy and honestly my health hasn't been up too it. Every one of those things is the truth and even individually on their own would keep a normal person from participating. But as you know I am far from normal and I am usually pretty active. However, I just couldn't get into the groove of things this past year and I let so much slide.
Yet, for whatever reason this morning has been different and I feel a renewed energy and a sense of purpose that I haven't felt in quite awhile and despite my cold and bronchitis I feel that I need to be up and doing something. I have made coffee already and several phone calls and the day has barely begun. I think that my long road of holding has finally come to an end.
This has happened to me one other time in my life when I went from being in an extensive pattern of holding to bursting forth from it with a renewed vigor and I can tell you it was the Summer of 2008 after my last ileostomy. It was June, I remember precisely because it was before Atlanta changed the dates on their Gay Pride celebrations. I had gone through 2 years of intense holding because of repeated surgeries on my colon and abdomin. Finally I woke up one June morning and decided to put on shorts and go out into the world and see if anyone noticed that I was wearing a colostomy bag. Guess what they didn't and my sense of self and self esteem were tremendously bolstered by that fact. Then I learned techniques that have kept it hidden from everyone until I have been ready to reveal it and that too helped my confidence level. See it took me taking that step out there and going on blind faith to get out of that pattern and break the mold that was holding me in fear and self-loathing and let me tell you that having bags to use the rest room is quite a morale deterrent and something that I had to live through and get over. Going out into public and having people seem me as totally normal and not noticing that the bags were there was a big boost to my ego, self confidence and so forth. That day changed the way I viewed myself and the way I let other perceive me as well. Today I woke up with that same renewed feeling of self confidence and hope for a brighter tomorrow.
Remember it is not the outside package that means anything at all it is what you have on the inside that matters. Hold yourself with self confidence and poise and you will attract others like yourself too you and things will start to look up.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,