Sometimes you reach a point in your life where you have to say enough is enough. That you can't take any more, you find yourself not able to tolerate things as they are and want a change. You are ready to make that move, make the change, get out and try something new. But something holds you in that rut and you cannot seem to make headway at all. There have been many times over the past year that I have wanted to throw my hands up in the air and just say I quit. Unfortunately for me, I don't know how to do that. See most of you know that I have been struggling since 2011 with major health issues. At certain points over the past year I have thought seriously about walking away from treatments. To just say enough is enough!
You can imagine that fighting cancer for over 20 years is bound to take it's toll on anyone. I mean how much chemotherapy can one person take??? The answer is a lot! I have listened to doctors tell me over and over again that I need to do this or I am going to die. That if I don't do another round of chemo I am just going to not make it. So once again into the fray I go. But, honestly there have been moments of time when I thought about being selfish, about telling the doctors enough poking, prodding and medicating, I am done. If it came down to a quality of life thing maybe I really would have, but in all reality I am not ready to throw in the towel and give up on life. Yes, it has been hard and difficult at times, I am sure the doctors and nurses can agree with my temper tantrums and swearing, etc that they would have preferred if I had given up. Yet, here we are, there is still more too come, but I am ready for it. The worst is behind me and I have a whole different future to look forward too.
I honestly thought that with everything that I went through in 2012 that 2013 would be a peice of cake, well I was sadly mistaken by that. See, nothing really changed in 2013, I still had health issues, then throw in my relationship, trying to work fulltime and then still have time for myself. Stress became the order of the day and with everything else in my life I found myself locked into a pattern. It was a holding pattern, a place where I had to learn new things and experience new things to be able to write about them. There were some adventures in there that were dangerous and altogether unpleasant, plus a couple of near death experiences that I wouldn't like to repeat. But all in all I found that life was just serving me up new lessons that I had to experience in order to grow and learn from.
Each of us find ourselves in these types of holding patterns from time to time, and most of us benefit from them and build on them so that we can move on and upward in the future, and that is exactly what I have done with my experiences of the past year. There is so much life to live that these set backs or ruts that we are in can at times be a respite and welcomed. Which I have to say in my case looking back now I am greatful that I have gone through all that I have. I have learned patience, understanding, compassion, and I have a new attitude when it comes to taking care of myself and my body. Which if I hadn't experienced all of the things I had over the past year I would not have. Nor could I say that I would still be here if I hadn't gone through them.
I also learned that not everything is as it seems, that perceptions and perspectives can be scewed when we are too close to the situation at hand. Sometimes it is helpful to take a step back and just breathe. Because in the end the result is going to be the same, and if you have taken the step back you might just save yourself some grief and a great deal of stress. So I am not where I thought I would be, and I haven't been able to write here in my blog like I would have liked too, but I am where I need to be. So yes, 2013 was a very long holding pattern for me, I had to endure and go through many things, but in the end I am a much better and healthier person for it.
So don't be discouraged if you find yourself doing the same thing day after day for awhile, it may be that you are supposed to be learning something and as soon as you master it, and get the process down you will move on. That is what has happened to me. Keep in mind that when the next door opens it might be to set your feet on a totally different and altogether better path than what you were on.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,