Don't be afraid to Ask for help!

There comes a point in each of our lives when we just can't do everything on our own.  Our resources are tapped, our bills are overwhelming, our medical conditions are out of control and we just need some sort of help just to make ends meet.  No matter what your situation or what you are going through, don't let pride and dignity stand in the way of you turning to others for help and assistance.  I have been living on disability for almost 7 years now.  I am not ashamed of that fact, I worked hard and paid a lot of money into the system to get the amount of disability that I get.  However, there are times when that disability money doesn't reach far enough and doesn't cover all my bills and expenses.

Just like this move into the new apartment, as much of a blessing that it has been, I was still stretched to my limit, money and funds were not there to cover all the expenses of moving, and as you are aware from my earlier posts, I have no furniture and I have borrowed everything that I have in my apartment currently, except for the TV and minor stuff that I could find on discount or at the pawn shop.  With the help of my father, stepmother and neighbors I was able to at least have an air mattress to sleep on, a dresser to put my cloths, a table to eat on, and a couple of chairs to sit on.  All I had were my clothes and my computers.

Now with all of that being said, I reached out to my friend Jeff Allen, he is a big HIV/AIDS advocate and volunteer in the community that I have met and become acquainted with.  I told him that I was looking for furniture and some help. That I have been thinking about renting out my second room to someone, so that it would defray some of my expenditures and help with income.  He sent me an email about an organization that might help me.  The organization is call the Ministries For Christ Outreach and since I didn't know exactly what to say, I sent a very long email about my situation, my health and condition and what I was looking for help with.  Now, I sent this email on Thursday night, and I hadn't heard anything from them, but I figured that they were just busy helping others and that they would eventually get to me.  I was right in a way sort of, see I got a call early this morning from Pastor Lisa Polite, my email had gone into her spam folder on her computer and she hadn't seen it, and for some reason she just happened to look in there and saw my email. For those of you who are still "doubting Thomas's" understand that she told me she normally doesn't look in the spam folder and for some reason this morning she did.  You tell me that if God isn't at work in my life, and answering all of my prayers, why did my email catch her attention?

See, I am convinced that God is watching out over me, and is sheltering me in His mighty arms, because, of all the beautiful and wondrous things that have been happening to me lately.  Well, let's continue on with this story, she called me this morning and asked me some questions we talked for a bit on the phone, and she asked if she could come and see me this morning around 9 am.  I said that would be great.  Let me tell you she brought me enough supplies and food to last me quite a while.  She truly blessed me beyond words.  I mean rice, can vegetables, can fruit, soup, spaghetti, sauce, mac-n-cheese, lunch meat and bread, just so much, toilet paper, laundry detergent and the list goes on and on.  When I say she blessed me I am not being figurative, but literal.  I was taken away with the generosity and kindness of a lady that had never met me.

So you see it never hurts to open oneself up and ask for help when you truly need it.  Just last night I was worrying how was I going to last till the beginning of the month when I get paid again because money was running out.  Before I went to sleep last night I had asked God to help me through, and behold this morning I was woken up to a blessing beyond measure.  Now, Pastor Lisa is a great deal like me, she has so much positive energy and love pouring out of her, that I felt an instant bond.  I asked her if her organization and ministry needed help, that I wanted to be apart of the program. I explained to her some of the things that I want to accomplish, and have been trying to start here. Like the housing referral program and housing assistance programs.  She told me to keep them in mind because those are the types of things that they would like to expand in what they currently offer.  We talked for quite awhile, and I showed her my blog, and I felt so very comfortable with her.

I told you not too long ago that we never know where casual conversation is going to take us, that we don't know what doors each encounter is going to open for us.  What I didn't tell you is that you just need to be open and receptive to God's love.  It doesn't matter what you have done, or what your situation is, you just need to be open too it.  Because His love is unconditional and doesn't require any effort or work on your part. It flows through you and into you and energizes you.  Trust me and I tell you that being open and receptive is how His blessing flow to you.  So there is no shame in admitting that you can't do it all alone, there is no shame in reaching out to organizations and asking for help or assistance.  Trust me that there are people out there that understand what you are going through, perhaps they have gone through similar things themselves.

If you ever find yourself in need and you don't know where to turn too there is a number that you can call it is 211 it is to the United Way.  Call that number they will ask you a few simple questions and be able to refer you to services in your area.  They help all sorts of people, people in crisis, people who are homeless, people who need assistance with utilities and back rent and all sorts of other things.  That is the place that I would start if you don't know who else to turn too.  Keep in mind that you also have a church family that you can reach out to, speak to your pastor, and see if they might know of some programs or assistance that you can apply for.  There are government programs, grants, and other types of public assistance that are available to those that are having difficulties.  Today the world has gotten more sophisticated, once upon a time you used to have paper food stamps that you had to present at the register when you checked out and everyone knew that you were on public assistance. Today it is all done with a credit card, and only you and the cashier know that you are on food stamps.

If you qualify, I think you should go down and apply for them.  They are a big help and will defray some of the cost that you have to spend out each month.  If you are like me and don't qualify, because you make too much money on disability or whatever, there are other types of assistance you can apply for.  Trust me when I tell you, look around you and reach out.  A closed mouth finds no answers and gets no help. You have to be vocal about your situation and your problems if you want to get help.  I keep telling you that life is too short for you to hold it all inside of you.  Plus, do you really need the extra stress, worry and heartache?  I honestly don't think you do.  So be honest with yourself and your friends, let them know what is happening with you. Because believe it or not someone else close to you might be going through the same thing or a similar situation and you can help each other out, exchange information and find the help that you both need.  Talk to everyone, be honest, let that pride go.  Stop your worrying and do something about the situation before it gets any worse.  The last thing you need to do is let things go and let them build up until there is no possible solution to the situation.

Keep this in mind "Life doesn't come with a remote control, if you don't like the way something is get up and change it yourself".  You have to be willing to work hard, and make a change because when you help yourself you are going to see that the blessing will start rolling in.  You have to take that leap of faith and just try, do something for yourself and trust that everything will work out and believe me it will.  All you have to do is try. Push down that fear and worry, I know they are what is holding you back and keeping you from taking action, because if you don't nothing is ever going to change and you are going to be stuck in repeat.  Repeating the same process week after week, month after month. We have to do something, change something in order for us to break free from the rut that we have found ourselves in.  Asking others for help is a start in that process, and let me tell you it is a process, nothing ever changes over night and if it did I would be worried about it.  How many times have I told you the easy things in life are not the ones that we value. It is what we have had to work hard for and strive the most for that mean the most too us.  Each of us needs to feel a sense of accomplishment and that we are making progress, if we don't we feel trapped, and depression can creep in.  Keep your guard up don't let depression get to you.  As I have told you before, it doesn't matter what you have done today, what trouble you got in, or what crisis you have found yourself in. Tomorrow is a new day, brand new no mistakes, a clean slate, and you have a chance to do it all over again, this time differently.

Don't be afraid to reach out and let your story be known, it isn't going to make you a different person from who you are.  Are you really that afraid that people are going to see you differently now because they know what you are going through?  Maybe they will begin to see that you are just a person like them and have problems just like them and maybe they have some help or advice to offer you.

Also keep in mind that if you are going through some medical issues or health concerns that there are agencies and support out there to help you.  You might want to start with the case manager at the hospital or medical center that you were seen at to find something that might be able to help you.  If you are gay and have housing or health concerns check out your local gay community center or speak to your infectious disease doctor because they know of programs and agencies that can help you.  I can speak from the HIV/AIDS standpoint that there are agencies and funding out there to help you.  Contact your local public health center to get in contact with them.  If you have been disabled and out of work for over a year you may even be eligible for assistance through your states Vocational Rehabilitation, they might be able to send you back to school to get retrained in a new field, they can help you procure a job.  There are all sorts of programs out there to help you become an independent and functioning member of society.  All you have to do is look for them.

I just want you to be aware, that if you don't speak up and don't ask for help you are never going to get it.  The squeaky wheel gets the oil, not the ones that make no noise.  There is no shame in applying for government assistance, and programs that are out there to help you live a comfortable life, and if you are ill, check into all the resources and help that you can find. Drugs, hospitalizations, doctors and tests all cost money and can be very expensive.  Look for alternatives, patient assistance programs, agencies and groups that cater to your specific illness they are out there, you just have to reach out and talk to them.

Keep in mind that each conversation you have can open a tremendous amount of doors and opportunities, just be open and receptive.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

I want to tell you how amazing things can turn out!

Last nights entry was all about me embarking on a new phase of my life and how I had taken a leap of faith and just moved out of my parents house, and how things were going.  Well, let me tell you about the day that I have had today! Because miracles and wonders never stop around me.  Remember how I told you last night that you just need to step out, take a leap of faith and trust that God has your back.  Well, God surely looks out for those of us that are working hard to improve ourselves, let me tell you.  I moved all of my stuff last night to the hotel like I told you I was going to do.  I also told you that as I was unloading my car one of my co-workers came up to me and told me that I was going to have to pay a $200.00 deposit for staying there on top of the $363.28 I had already paid them.  It hurt my feelings and really kind of upset me if the truth must be told. Instead of wallowing and storing that anger, I wrote in my blog and then I prayed on the situation, left it at God's feet and went to sleep.

I had a really rough night, because apparently no one has stayed in that room in rather a long time.  Because in the middle of the night I woke up with my sinus full, eyes watering and me sneezing.  All I could smell was dust, the pillows were filled with, so was the blankets and the sheets, with me being allergic to dust I really wasn't feeling all that well.  Anyhow, I survived through the night and woke up this morning to make myself some coffee, and the coffee maker was filled with mold.  Now, you can imagine how upset I was about all of this, because the $200.00 deposit was to make sure that the room was clean and ready for the next person to just come right on in. Well, long story short once I saw the state of the coffee maker I decided to start looking around the room, and it was filthy.  The air conditioner was also full of dust, the bathtub had black foot prints in it and the floors throughout needed to be swept.

I got out the broom and was about to start cleaning up the place when my cell phone rang, and this guy Aaron called.  A woman I had met through work had given him my information, and told him that I was looking for a place to move into.  She told him a little about my situation and told him what a nice guy I am and so forth.  So, he decided to call me and offer to show me his condo that he has for rent. He went on to explain to me that it is a very large 2 bedroom with 1 bath, a nice size eat in kitchen with all new appliances.  He told me that the rent would be $700.00 a month, and that included everything but electric.  I explained to him that I had already given my money out on the hotel, and that I had no idea if I would get my money back.  He patiently listened to me and then said to me, well you know what the place is ready to move in and already has electric, you can either move in right away or stay at the hotel and move your stuff in slowly over the next two weeks, which ever I wanted to do, he had already paid the bills for this month, so he really wasn't losing any money at this point.  He told me to just go look at the place and make a decision.

So I went and looked at the place, and I loved it, it is large and quiet and perfect for me.  As a matter of fact it seemed like it was just made for me. It looks a lot like the apartment I had in East Point last year that I lost and I like the location of the place, it is convenient to everything the stores, walmart, work and only 12 miles away from my parents.  I honestly couldn't ask for anything better at this point.  But, this isn't all to the story, Aaron went on to tell me that I could stay in the apartment till the end of the month and owe him nothing and just work on getting the electric turned over into my name as soon as I could. He also told me that he was willing to work with me on the deposit.  That we would split it up over three months and that on the 3rd of November I would just have to pay him part of the deposit and the rent of $700.00.  Now, can you see the Hand of God working here?  I can, this man doesn't know me at all.  I took a leap of faith and stepped out of the comfort of home earlier than expected to make sure that everything was ready for my step-brother and his girlfriend's arrival, that way my step-mom wouldn't have to work so hard to get the room ready with just a little time before they get here.  Aaron is taking a leap of faith that he can trust me, letting me use the place and live here till we can get everything finalized and in writing.  That is God's work!  He is taking care of me just like I told you He would.

We never really know what the outcome of any decision we make is going to be.  We hope for the best and plan for the worst, and when we leave the situation in God's hands it always works out just exactly as it is meant too.  I knew that God had my back and I knew that no matter what I did I was going to make out okay.  That is exactly what happened.  I am so thankful for this and all of the many other blessings that God has given me this year.  All it take is a little patience, effort and faith and things turn out just the way God wants them too.  I am now safe and in my new home, and since I never took possession of the hotel, on Monday I am going to go back and ask for a refund of my money.  I may loose a little bit of it, but guess what in the long run it was worth the effort.

Yesterday when I was writing to you I had no idea how things were going to turn out for me. I didn't know if I would ever find a place to call home, nor did I think I was going to be able to make it with how tight money is for me right now, and I was worried about all of these things and a whole lot more. Now if my boyfriend comes around we have a place that is our home, and I am happy that everything worked out exactly as it did.  There might be a little friction trying to get my money back, but I think that once I take my coworker up and show her the room and prove that I haven't been in there, that she will stand by me as I try to get my cash back from my boss.

So again I tell you that sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith and do something, anything, put forth some effort, because as the Bible tells us God helps those that help themselves and here is living testimony of that fact.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

It really is surprising how many of my friends lives are stuck on Repeat!

You know I went back to Atlanta recently for a little visit.  I saw quite a few of my friends while I was up there and I was surprise at how many of them are still doing the same things they have been doing.  Of course this is really nothing new because for the most part every where I go I see old friends and acquaintances all doing the same things. When I go to Orlando I run into the same people that I knew from when I lived there 15 years ago at the bar and I wonder how and why they are still there.  At least I went away for a long time and came back.  I went to school and got 2 degrees, had a career and battled cancer.  These poor people are still hanging at the bar, doing the same thing, some of them actually do have jobs now and are doing something with their lives, but the majority of them are still not working, still hanging out, still getting high, drinking and not doing a damn thing with their lives.  First off I wonder how they can afford it,?Because I know I struggle and I make good money. So how can they still be doing the same thing after all these years?

Maybe this is just a phenomena in the gay community, and the drug community too which I used to be associated with.  Or maybe it is just the way I am looking at things.  But I often wonder how a friend of mine who I have known since he was twenty-four, is still bouncing around from place to place with no where to really call home, he is out every night chasing his high and looking for the next fix.  He is trading on his looks to get what he wants. So far it is working for him. But one day and probably pretty quickly that is all going to run out.  No one stays young forever, and what happens when people get tired of supporting your habits, and you crashing on their couch.  The community isn't that big that you aren't going to eventually wear out your welcome at all your friend's places.

What I have found out that these people are just stuck on repeat, they found something that works for them and they continue to do it. Unless something changes, and they are forced to make a change they are going to continue in the same pattern.  David Guetta is one of my favorite musicians right now and he has a song called "Repeat" and it sort of talks about this.  The bridge goes something like this "So go out and party, cause I'm just getting started And I'm dancing to a brand new beat Cause you're just stuck on repeat, repeat, repeat You're just stuck on repeat, repeat, repeat...So go out and party, like you're not broken-hearted Cause you'll always just be stuck on repeat Cause you're stuck on repeat, repeat, repeat You're stuck on repeat, repeat, repeat."

This song really speaks too me, it reminds me of my past. The days when I sat around getting high and following in my friends footsteps.  It also reminds me that a lot of my friends are stuck, they are in a rut and they cannot seem to break free from the hold that the drugs and alcohol has on them and their lives.  They are just stuck in repeat mode.  It is almost like watching a bad version of "Groundhog Day" where Bill Murray repeats the same day over and over again.  How many of us get stuck by habits and bad choices, and we fall into a rut or pattern that we cannot break free of?  Honestly, I think a lot of us do.  We just learn how to hide it differently.  In last nights blog entry I talked about patterns and filters, and I again stress that all of our lives revolves around patterns.  That if we watch a person long enough we can see the pattern and can predict their actions based on that pattern.

I have a friend named Tony that is in Atlanta, he is stuck in a pattern, and is stuck on the streets of Atlanta, and I would do anything to help him get off those streets and help him change his life. Because years ago someone did that for me, helped me see that the self-destructive pattern my life was on and helped me see a different way of doing things and gave me the opportunity to change my life, and so I feel that I should repay that favor by paying it forward.  However, I have lost touch with my friend and have been unable to locate him.  Surprisingly I have gotten myself into a position where I am going out on my own and I will be in a better spot to help him.  I have another friend that I love with all of my heart, but unfortunately he is far away, I have offered to bring him here and help him face the medical needs that he is going to be going through soon.  He too is in a rut and a pattern.  Unfortunately, even though I know he loves me and cares about me his weighted down with what is happening too him and he has closed himself off from me and his other friends and there is nothing I can do.  I am being patient and waiting for him to reach out to me, but it is driving me crazy not hearing from him.  But I have to respect and understand what he is going through and since I know what he is facing, all I can do is wait here patiently and offer my support the only way he is allowing me at this point.  Both of these friend are in ruts and holding patterns and their life is on "repeat".

As you know I enjoy helping people and I do so by writing about my experiences and those of my friends, to try and help steer others from following in our footsteps and making the same mistakes we have made.  I don't judge and I try to be understanding. I understand the power of addiction and I have spent my time fighting it. I know how drugs and alcohol can hold us in the same spot, and we never move forward.  So here I am trying to help others recognize those patterns, realize that the drugs and other addictions we face are holding us back and keeping us from progressing and moving forward.

Trust me it isn't easy to get away from them. Addictions can be subtle and tricky things that manipulate us, they hold us back and we don't even realize that time is moving forward.  I hope that others can see what I am talking about and maybe realize that they have to do something to make a change so that they can break free of the rut that they are currently in.

I will write more on this subject and talk to you about how to break the cycle and the chains that hold us in our patterns, and how we can recognize when we are actually in a rut or pattern that is holding us still.

But for now, all I want you to do is realize that there are friends of yours and mine that are hopelessly stuck on repeat and we must help them to realize this.  We need to offer them the assistance and guidance they need to get their life back on track and break free of those chains that are binding them and keeping them stuck.  If we don't reach out and help them who will. Don't wait till it is too late and they are gone from our lives because they have over dosed or been locked up.  See them for the victims that they are and like the person from my past that looked beyond the addiction and the sex and really saw the real me and struggle to lift me out of my rut and pattern we need to do the same for others.  Don't judge them, be kind and understanding, see the real person, look at their heart and see the potential that is locked within struggling to find a break and get out of their situation and offer them a helping hand, with love.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B