God and I

The past few days I have been thinking a lot about all the illnesses and obstacles that have come my way over the years.  It got me to thinking about a book I read once called "Sacred Contracts " written by Carolina Myss. It is an excellent book and if you get a chance you should read it.

Because of the book, I am more in control of my life and destiny than ever before.  See as she explained it, we chose the life we are living before we are born. We have a job, duty or mission to accomplish while we are here on earth. She further explains that the reason why we don't recall these events are because of our mortal birth.  When we leave our spiritual form foe a human one we lose all of our prior knowledge.  The reason for this is we truly have the freedom of choice and we need to learn as much about living and life.

But when I look back at many of the things that I have gone through,  I sometimes start to wonder if I am strong enough to carry on.  My life has not been easy. I have suffered and battled cancer 4 times since I was , I have at times though that the world might be better off without me. But the honest to goodness truth is that I don't do well with pain, also I have very poor or no luck at all, therefore I have never really contemplated committing suicide,  because I know that I would screw it up and end up worse than I am already .

I just wonder sometimes if I am ever going to  accomplish the job thatI contracted with God to do. Further,  I have seen so many people pass on and the were younger than me and their health didn't seem to be as poor as mine. But then again that is from my perspective. The first of my friends to pass was my best buddy and bowling companion. He was 30 years old and was taken so quickly. We had bowling practice on Saturday for the upcoming Dixie Tournament.  Glenn passed out and fell half way down the lane.  I had to help him get up and out of the alley. I made him promise that he would let me take him to the emergency room the next morning.  He never came home. He died 4 days later, his lungs filled with fluid and he never regained consciousness.   I setup a memorial for him so that his family could see and understand what their son Glenn was all about.

The next friend to pass was Sue Renaud, we were in a skilled nursing facility together.  Her and I got really close and it kills me that she died right after my birthday last year,  unfortunately I was not there when she passed and I didn't find out right away.  Another great friend was Mary, if you have been following my blog you might recall the article I wrote about her. "Larger than life " was the title.  Mary and Sue died in January, Sue died because of respiratory distress. She was 56.  Mary died because of a brain tumor that spread rapidly. Mary has just turned 32 yearsold. She was one of the first people I met when I first moved to Ormond Beach.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't feel sadness at my loss of such wonderful people, who were called home before me.  I know that God placed these very special people in my life. Because I got the opportunity to get to know each of them. Each one of them taught me something that I needed for my future. Each person taught me specifically how to survive and adapt to what life sends my way.

None of us knows how much time we are allotted to be on earth,  therefore it is important to live each moment like it is your last and you really need to stay in the present moment.  I know that it is easy to get trapped in the past by your past. However,  if you are busy carrying baggage from your past you can't move forward,  you become stuck and can't pick up anything else.    Now I find myself drawn back to the past quite a bit and it is a struggle to remain in the moment and present. When I was 24 I found out that I had stage 4 large cell lymphoma and I thought that I was going to die. Here I am writing to you 22 years later.

I sometimes wonder if my friends that have passed on if they have or had completed their sacred contract or was extenuating circumstances got in the way.  I guess that it doesn't really matter,  because apparently God isn't giving me a pass and I am going to hav Rd to fulfill my Sacred job. Otherwise I would have not made it through so many medical issues and not dying.

I have complete faith in God and I know that He is the great physician and can heal.me totally if He desired. But I believe that everything I have been through and are going through are necessary lessons that I need to learn and overcome what is in store for me.

I know that God and I have a longer journey ahead of us. I know that I have yet to dicover and complete my Sacred Contract. Yes at times I get discouraged and feel like surrendering and giving up. So you can see that living in the now and moment is very important to me.  I have no way to measure the amount of time that I have left here. But I am going to make everyday 9f my life and treat them like they are my last.  Try living in the moment and every day like it is your last and you will find out that things start going easier and life takes on 's different meaning.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you.

Uncle B

What are you looking for?? Wonder why you can't find it?

Folks how many of you are searching for something to change in your life?  How many of you are looking for love?  How many of you are looking for something but have no idea what it is?  Just last week I told you what I was looking for.  Those of you who have been reading my blog know that I have been searching for love in every conceivable place.  I couldn't find it, and neither will you.  Face it folk you and I have been looking in all the wrong places.  The search for love must start within, no one else can give it to you, and it just isn't lying on the ground.  Love is a very many splendid thing and if you don't love yourself you can't love anyone else.

Now, I have come to terms with myself, I have found my true self, the self that I gave away in my last relationship, the person that I used to be.  I have the confidence and the courage to stand on my own. But I had to dig deep within myself, I had to be brutally honest with myself. No more excuses, no more rationalizations.  I had to come clean with my fears, feelings, my desires and my wants.  I needed to concentrate on all the things that mattered to me the most.  You have to believe me when I tell you that healing comes from within.  Forgiveness when given openly releases you from your pain and allows you to gain closure. You cannot hold any grudges in your heart. You have to surrender and let go of all of you, you can't do it piecemeal it is an all or nothing thing.

What I can tell you is that people who have known me for years had to take a second look at me, there is an air about me now that wasn't there before.  I hold my head up with confidence, I am once again driven, I have revived my passions, and I have grown.  I have to say thank you for those who are in my past, you have helped me grow and become the person that I am today, but change has come upon that person and has made something better than what was there before.  I am whole again and I am so happy. I have a spirit of total love and compassion, take a good look at me because the person you see before you now is not the same person who was here before.

I was lost and wandering, I had little or no direction. I was on  a path of destruction, I chose drugs to ease my pain and deal with my issues without acknowledging them.  By doing so I had set myself up for failure, and came close to dying way too many times.  Yet, the part of me that I have found again has given me a new resolve, and inner strength and peace that I cannot describe to you.  I can tell you that I have never had a closer walk with God than I do right now. I can see things so clearly now that the haze and the smoke from self-pity and self destruction have cleared away.  I have found that life is something that is worth living.  I knew in my heart that I had a calling on Earth and a mission that God had planned for me.  But I didn't know what it was or how to even find the path that I needed to be on.  But something in my life changed recently and I have to tell you that my whole world was turned upside down but once it all started to settle everything was exactly where it needed to be.

Change is in the air and I keep telling people to expect it, but when it happens everyone seems to still be amazed when the change has come upon them. You have to understand that life is a cycle and what was will come again.  None of us can run fast enough to escape the change that is coming.  No matter what you do you will find yourself in the midst of it before you know what is happening.  It moves as fast as the wind and will blow you over you are not going to even know when it is going to happen.  As a race humans have a tendency to walk with their eyes downcast, and if you walk like that you miss all the things that are happening around you. If you are wearing blinders you can only see and face that which is directly in front of you you miss everything else that is happening around you.  However, remove the blinders raise the head up and your heart will follow.  I believe that when we remove the blinders and we start to look up at the sky we can see everything that is happening around us.

The Bible tells us to be of the world but not in the world, and I have been trying for years to balance that walk and be divine in my actions, more often that not I have been pulled into the world and started doing the drugs again.  Yet, something is different this time and the temptation is gone.  I know that now is the time that for me to start my work again,  I don't think that their is a lure out there that would tempt me across that line again, especially since the last time that I tried to do any type of drug I got so sick that I thought I was going to die.  It was recently too, and for that I am sorry. I have become my own man, and I think that now is the time for me to begin again.

So often times people look all over for different things, they look for love, friendship, relationships and hope in all the wrong places.  It is often elusive and difficult and they loose hope and begin to despair.  They forget that God is there and is watching over them. That He has a plan for them and their lives.  But what is even more funny is that most of the time the exact thing we are looking and praying for have been given too us and we don't even recognize it.  We are actually seeing it and don't realize that our prayer has been answered.  So many times the things that we desire the most are right in front of our face and yet we miss it completely.
You don't know how many times I have been looking for a connection with someone, a closeness, a bond that I can't describe in full detail.  But I know that things happen for a reason and I have to have faith that God has a plan for me.  However, it is funny that I am writing about this today because as I was praying ove the weekend, a dawning realization came over me.  I have had what I have been looking for in my life for a very long time and I never even knew it.

But as I posted on Facebook this morning God hears our prayers, sees our plight, knows what we are going through and what we desire.  Our prayers are heard and answered on His timetable and not our own.  He is never late you can bet on that, He is exactly on time.  Just you wait and see.  I think you will find that everything that I have said to you is absolute gospel.  If it is His will it will be granted unto you when the time is right.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

I want to tell you how amazing things can turn out!

Last nights entry was all about me embarking on a new phase of my life and how I had taken a leap of faith and just moved out of my parents house, and how things were going.  Well, let me tell you about the day that I have had today! Because miracles and wonders never stop around me.  Remember how I told you last night that you just need to step out, take a leap of faith and trust that God has your back.  Well, God surely looks out for those of us that are working hard to improve ourselves, let me tell you.  I moved all of my stuff last night to the hotel like I told you I was going to do.  I also told you that as I was unloading my car one of my co-workers came up to me and told me that I was going to have to pay a $200.00 deposit for staying there on top of the $363.28 I had already paid them.  It hurt my feelings and really kind of upset me if the truth must be told. Instead of wallowing and storing that anger, I wrote in my blog and then I prayed on the situation, left it at God's feet and went to sleep.

I had a really rough night, because apparently no one has stayed in that room in rather a long time.  Because in the middle of the night I woke up with my sinus full, eyes watering and me sneezing.  All I could smell was dust, the pillows were filled with, so was the blankets and the sheets, with me being allergic to dust I really wasn't feeling all that well.  Anyhow, I survived through the night and woke up this morning to make myself some coffee, and the coffee maker was filled with mold.  Now, you can imagine how upset I was about all of this, because the $200.00 deposit was to make sure that the room was clean and ready for the next person to just come right on in. Well, long story short once I saw the state of the coffee maker I decided to start looking around the room, and it was filthy.  The air conditioner was also full of dust, the bathtub had black foot prints in it and the floors throughout needed to be swept.

I got out the broom and was about to start cleaning up the place when my cell phone rang, and this guy Aaron called.  A woman I had met through work had given him my information, and told him that I was looking for a place to move into.  She told him a little about my situation and told him what a nice guy I am and so forth.  So, he decided to call me and offer to show me his condo that he has for rent. He went on to explain to me that it is a very large 2 bedroom with 1 bath, a nice size eat in kitchen with all new appliances.  He told me that the rent would be $700.00 a month, and that included everything but electric.  I explained to him that I had already given my money out on the hotel, and that I had no idea if I would get my money back.  He patiently listened to me and then said to me, well you know what the place is ready to move in and already has electric, you can either move in right away or stay at the hotel and move your stuff in slowly over the next two weeks, which ever I wanted to do, he had already paid the bills for this month, so he really wasn't losing any money at this point.  He told me to just go look at the place and make a decision.

So I went and looked at the place, and I loved it, it is large and quiet and perfect for me.  As a matter of fact it seemed like it was just made for me. It looks a lot like the apartment I had in East Point last year that I lost and I like the location of the place, it is convenient to everything the stores, walmart, work and only 12 miles away from my parents.  I honestly couldn't ask for anything better at this point.  But, this isn't all to the story, Aaron went on to tell me that I could stay in the apartment till the end of the month and owe him nothing and just work on getting the electric turned over into my name as soon as I could. He also told me that he was willing to work with me on the deposit.  That we would split it up over three months and that on the 3rd of November I would just have to pay him part of the deposit and the rent of $700.00.  Now, can you see the Hand of God working here?  I can, this man doesn't know me at all.  I took a leap of faith and stepped out of the comfort of home earlier than expected to make sure that everything was ready for my step-brother and his girlfriend's arrival, that way my step-mom wouldn't have to work so hard to get the room ready with just a little time before they get here.  Aaron is taking a leap of faith that he can trust me, letting me use the place and live here till we can get everything finalized and in writing.  That is God's work!  He is taking care of me just like I told you He would.

We never really know what the outcome of any decision we make is going to be.  We hope for the best and plan for the worst, and when we leave the situation in God's hands it always works out just exactly as it is meant too.  I knew that God had my back and I knew that no matter what I did I was going to make out okay.  That is exactly what happened.  I am so thankful for this and all of the many other blessings that God has given me this year.  All it take is a little patience, effort and faith and things turn out just the way God wants them too.  I am now safe and in my new home, and since I never took possession of the hotel, on Monday I am going to go back and ask for a refund of my money.  I may loose a little bit of it, but guess what in the long run it was worth the effort.

Yesterday when I was writing to you I had no idea how things were going to turn out for me. I didn't know if I would ever find a place to call home, nor did I think I was going to be able to make it with how tight money is for me right now, and I was worried about all of these things and a whole lot more. Now if my boyfriend comes around we have a place that is our home, and I am happy that everything worked out exactly as it did.  There might be a little friction trying to get my money back, but I think that once I take my coworker up and show her the room and prove that I haven't been in there, that she will stand by me as I try to get my cash back from my boss.

So again I tell you that sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith and do something, anything, put forth some effort, because as the Bible tells us God helps those that help themselves and here is living testimony of that fact.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B