It is amazing the things that you can hear when you just sit there and listen. Last evening a friend of mine from the Snellville days contacted me via Facebook. She talked and I listened to what she was willing to share with me. As she was talking she said that a true friend never gives up on another friend. As I lay in the bed I began to think on this and ponder it some more. If you are my friend on Facebook you know that I was unable to sleep last night because my brain seemed to be working in over time. That simple statement tugged at me and pulled at me, so I began to think about my life long friends. The ones that I have had for 30 + years. I analyzed the characters of these friends and their caliber. I wanted to know what made them tick and how we remained friends for so long.
I can honestly say that two of my friends have been through it all with me, the thick, the thin, the boyfriends, the relationships, the moves from Atlanta, to Pennsylvania, to Arlington, back to East Point and so forth. These two people are rare in the fact that if they had not been in my life I would have died a long time ago. One of them gave me inspiration and hope while the other one held my hand and cried with me. Sa'corey knows what I am talking about because he was the one that sat on my bed with me and cried with me when I found out I was HIV + and again when I found out that they were going to have to remove my large intestines. He wiped my tears, held my hand and let me cry on his big shoulders. My friend John pulled my head out of depression and set me straight on the path that I am on now. He looked at me one day shortly after they had removed all the staples from my abdomen and told me that he wanted to know where I was, where was the real Bryan, because the Bryan he was seeing wasn't the person he grew up with. He told me that he admired me and that I had been the type of person that would set their mind to a task and just go out an get it. A person who was confident and sure of what he was doing and wasn't afraid to learn new things.
That night I thought about what he had said and I wondered if he was correct if I had lost a part of me. The more I thought about it, the more convinced I became that they were both right. Sa'corey told me that I was a strong person and I could face what was happening too me and I would win and beat it. John had pointed out that I was a leader and not a follower, that I had given a part of myself away and that I needed to reclaim it, for if I did I would be able to conquer anything that was thrown at me.. Now you can imagine what my life was like at that time. I had serious doubts about everything, I had seen the specialist in New York and I knew that nothing could be done about my condition. The damage was done when they operated the first time. Dreading and fretting that my life as a gay man was over terrified me and weakened me. But, because of my best friends surrounding me and encouraging me to stay vigilant and strong, because they knew I was going to own this dragon or demon that had attached itself too me.
Upon reflection John was absolutely right I had lost my focus, my drive and my will to survive, and those were the very things I was going to need to rise up and fight this battle. Sa'corey and John saw something in me and knew that God was with me. Sa'corey sat with me the night before my surgery and he told me that there were angels all around me and that the light coming from me was brighter than ever. I knew in that moment just how Love, Blessed and Anointed I was, and I was to learn that I was also favored. I knew in my heart that I was going to make it through the surgery and live, because I knew that God had work for me to do. This is how awesome God is, that surgery that I had in September of 2007 was more extensive and invasive than the first surgery that I had back in 2005, yet I felt no pain. My original surgery the pain was so great that I had to walk around the house for hours to lessen it's grip on me. But I swear to you that I had no pain with this surgery at all. I did however lose a lot of weight and started running a high temperature it got as high as 103.7 and when the fever hit me I was unable to walk.
My mother and her friend literally picked me up and put in the car and drove me to the hospital. Under my staples and abscess had formed and my body was getting weaker and weaker. The doctors were relying on antibiotics, but that wasn't what was needed at all. On the third day of the IV antibiotics the surgeon came in and told me that if something didn't change soon that my body was going to shut down and I would drift to sleep and never wake up. I don't know why I thought that was funny but at that very moment I started to laugh and it was a good laugh it filled my lungs, and bolstered my courage. So I asked the doctor for some hydrogen peroxide and some que-tips because I couldn't stand how crusty and nasty my staples had become. He told the nurse to bring it too me that I couldn't hurt myself that I had already gone septic. She brought me those long wooden que-tips and a small cup full of hydrogen peroxide. She left the room and I set about to start cleaning my wounds and staples. Maybe it was the hands of an angel that guided my hand as I made the first mistake, which turned out to be the proper course of action.
I had started cleaning the middle staples because these were the worst crusted of all of them. Because that was where the initial infection had started and where the puss came from. I dipped the cotton end into the solution and I set out to get all the gunk off of me. If I was going to die then no one was ever going see this. That is when it happened my hand slipped and the cotton end glided across the staple surface and went directly into the wound and when I pulled it out the puss and infections started erupting from my abdomen. I called the nurse who brought me sterile gauze and peroxide. For almost and hour and half that wound drained. The very next morning I woke up feeling great I looked down at my stomach and the infection seemed to have vanished. The doctor came in a bit later and told me that I did what modern medicine couldn't do. I saved my self by accidentally slipping and puncturing the main pocket of infection and as we were cleaning it out my body went on over drive and defeated what was remaining.
Why am I telling you all of this? It is because if I can come through all this adversity and survive so can you. I was born with a fractured skull, my parents were told that I would have brain damage and that I probably would never walk or talk. Well I started talking a little after my first birthday and they haven't been able to shut me up yet. My mother and father will tell you I have never met a stranger, that I look and bring out the good in people. I am very social and love helping others and. of course I love to write and talk. But why the title Do not Surrender? What am I trying to tell you?
My friends whenever someone is told that they have cancer they automatically believe that their life is going to end and they are going to wither away and die. Some of them might, but most will find that the new treatments are not as harsh as the ones I had to take and there is a much higher success rate with the newer drugs. So there is hope . Look I am going lay it out for you straight and to the point. Last year in 2014 I was told that I had 6 terminal illnesses and I had an aneurysm which caused me to need 28 blood transfusions. I also suffered from a severe case of osteomilitis and was almost paralyzed my spinal cord was seriously compromised. Yet, when Grace from physical therapy came in that first day and told me that I was going to be stuck in that chair for the rest of my life. I literally laughed at her like I did the doctor in 2007. Difference this time was some permanent damage, my spinal column has collapsed due to hundreds of microfractures in my thoracic spine. The damage has been confirmed to be between the T5 and the T10 vertebrea. With that being said my rib cage is compressed and I cannot fully expand my lungs because it hurts too bad. Oh and by the way within 2 weeks of her telling me that I would never walk again I carried myself to the gym after training hours and I worked out on the balance bars, I drug my feet along and forced them to work and I was rewarded by being able to walk. Once i left the wheel chair I went to the 2 wheeled walker and had that for about a month or so and then I had the 4 wheeled walker and though I still have the 4 wheeled walker I no longer need it. I walked out of the nursing home using my cane and today I don't have to have any type of device to help me walk at all.
Now I have gone through all of these things to show you that no matter what you are going through or what you have to face that God has got you. You do not need to worry, lay your problems at His feet and walk away leaving them there because He will take care of them. Just keep in mind that our time is not His time. We might begin to panic but remember that God is always on time.
Do not surrender to your illness, do not surrender to depression, do not surrender to peer pressure, and do not surrender to temptation. Remember that God has got you, He has a host of angels that surround you. But, most importantly keep in mind that this too shall pass. No problem is as permanent as the solution.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Showing posts with label injury. Show all posts
Showing posts with label injury. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
Monday, November 19, 2012
What To Do If You Find Yourself Limited
There are many things that can happen to you that limit your ability to do certain things or activities. No one ever wants to admit that they are getting old. That they physically are unable to do the things that they once were able to do. It can even happen to a younger person due to illness, disease or an accident. Hell we have people that fought in Vietnam, Korea or even in the recent and past Gulf conflicts that were injured, may have lost a limb, or been injured and now are physically impaired. So what happens if something that you love and are use too has been taken away from you? That there is no way that you can ever be able to do that activity or function again.
Here let me digress a minute and fill you in on some rather personal information, some of you may already know, but here goes anyway, my big dark secret and a fear that I have been carrying around since June. On June 13th I went in to the hospital to have another bowel resection, they were supposed to remove the colostomy that is acting as a mucus fistula and try and eliminate the ileostomy at the same time. Now, this would have been wonderful and a dream come true. But the reality of the situation is that there has been too many surgeries, too much inflammation, scar tissue and adhesions that have built up because of those surgeries, not to mention all the damage done to the tissue and the pelvic cavity from the radiation treatments. What was discovered is that as soon as the scalpel starts cutting the abdominal wall, my blood pressure drops to dangerous levels, my breathing becomes erratic and my heart rate declines and my body starts to flat line. Meaning that if they were to continue the surgery I would have died without any chance of revival. This was the end of my dream and hope of finally being a whole and normal person. I have been told recently that neither of the surgeons that have handled my situation in the past were willing to open me back up under any circumstance. That it would take a skilled team of professionals to handle any further surgery that I may have. Unfortunately in October it was discovered that the stricture that developed when they fused the two sections of colon back together has grown closed and that I would have to have another surgery. This surgery is going to be extremely risky and may actually end my life. However, it has to be done, the mucus fistula is not working like they thought it would and fluid continues to build up on my pelvis.
Now, the reason why am telling you all of this is because of the simple fact that the colon has grown totally closed where it was fused is what is causing the fluid to build up. It also precludes me from having any type of anal penetration. Further, the surgery during the emergency surgery that was performed in March, I was cut open from my breast bone down to my groin. Now I am talking all the way down to the penis, because of how deeply I was cut and the way that the muscles grew back together an inch or more of my penis is now indented. Which means that the length of it is now noticeably shorter. This for the most part will preclude me from having sex with most gay men, due to the scarring and the length. So overall in my mind I would have to say that sex for me is now completely finished, over and never to be had again. Seriously, this is a daunting proposition for me, because as people from my past can attest I love sex, it was an activity that I actually was pretty good at and have had some considerable practice at. No I wasn't promiscuous or anything like that, but there was a time and a place where sex was something that I literally breathed. This is just one example out of many others that I can throw at you. My mother had a friend named Jeanette, who lived to be 91 years old. Up until she was 89 she was very active and vigorous in her daily activities and in doing yard work. She got sick in her 90th year her, she suffered terribly from arthritis and COPD and various other factors that took her mobility and energy away. However, she still demanded to take care of herself, lived by herself and up until her death held a license and owned a car, though like I said when she turned 90 she really couldn't drive anymore because of macular degeneration of her eyes.
In her case she missed doing the physical things, she was used to taking care of herself and her house. She prided herself on her ability to do those things and the weaker she got the more frustrated she would get. I actually moved home to help my mother take care of her that last year that she was alive, I drove everywhere and cooked and did as many things as I could for her so that she didn't have too. I enjoyed helping her, but one day in January of 2010 she looked at me and asked me if she was a burden, how she wished that she could just die because she felt like she had to rely on others to do the most basic things and it was hard for her to admit that she was just not able to do everything by herself. My answer surprised her, I didn't think she was a burden at all, and I actually enjoyed the time I got to spend with her. I learned things about my life and why I cared about people so much. In a way, my limitations brought me to the realization that I may not be able to do all the things that a normal male of 40 can do, but there are other things, and that I have found someone that accepts and understands my limitations and loves me anyway makes all the difference to me in the world. I have channeled my energy and passion of sex into caring and helping others. It has pushed me out there into the world to talk to others about my illnesses, limitations, expectations and how I handle them. I have begun volunteering and helping others in a way that is rewarding and fulfilling. However, I have found that being candid with others about my illnesses, and limitations has made it easier for me to accept and move past them.
What I have done is found another outlet for my pent up anxiety and frustration. I remember Jeanette telling me that it is the simple things in life that brought her pleasure, and she would needle point or crochet for hours. Since she couldn't carry or lift things anymore, or push the mower or plant a full garden, she took joy in the things she could still do, instead of planting a full garden she planted herb gardens in her window. Planted strawberry plants in planters by her front door, she would crochet or needle point to keep her hands busy and her mind working on what she was doing. She occupied her time by things that she could still do that made her happy. The concept I am trying to bring forth to you, is it is possible to turn and find alternative activities to do to compensate for those abilities and things you can no longer do. I have a great mind and a terrific imagination, and I have figured out ways to compensate for my physical ability with activities and things that I can do. This helps me rid myself of the anxiety I felt, it also lessened my feelings of inadequacy and by talking about it to others, and writing in my blog has made it something that I can almost accept totally and move on. I still have feelings of anguish over my crushed dream of being made whole, but I think in time those too will pass and vanish. It also helps that I have found someone that cares enough about me to tell me that it doesn't matter to him, that we will face it together and will work out a solution. Up until today, I had been keeping it from him, but when I told him my fears, he said the right things, and that it didn't matter that it was me he wanted, that it was me that has inspired him and made him a better person, but you wanna know the truth of the matter, maybe it is that we inspired each other and have given each other hope for a better life, and a happier one then we have known before.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I have looked death in the eye several times this year, and it scared me, but somehow, I knew it wasn't my time to go yet. But it brought into sharp focus my limitations and abilities, it also made me intensely aware of the fear I had hiding within myself. Just like Jeanette, I had begun to feel like I was a relic, no longer useful or productive and that I wasn't going to be wanted and desired by anyone. Now, with that being said, those that truly know me can attest that nothing gets me down for long so I have bounced back and I have shifted my focus to what I can do, what makes me happy, what am I passionate about that I can pour my energy and my life into. I have come to understand that having a terminal illness doesn't mean that you are going to die right away necessarily and that there is life after being diagnosed. As I said at the beginning of this entry, there are just circumstances and events that are beyond our scope of control that can severely impact our lives and limit our abilities. When that happens, we can't let the anguish and depression hold us back, we have to face those limitations without fear, using our mind and creativity and imagination to find ways to compensate or even supplement the loss.
Now I am fully aware that there is going to be a period of time when your mind and emotions are not going to deal with this rationally. You are definitely going to go through the 5 stages of grief and remorse and will have to weather that storm, but eventually after you have passed through that you will find other activities and things that will help you take your mind off the limiting ability. I have found that humor helps me deal with my situation and allows me to be perfectly frank and candid about my situation. When I am talking to others, or filling out applications, and it comes to the question of sex, I say well I am a plant, I am neither male of female, I am asexual how would you like me to answer this question. Or if they ask it another way, I say no not right now I am too sore, but maybe when I heal up we could attempt. Levity and humor make the situation tolerable, and opens the door for me to talk to others about my illness and how it has actually affected me. You never know where personal encounters are going to take you, or who else might be dealing with a similar situation and have been harboring the guilt and anxiety within themselves and has had no one that they can talk to or even laugh about it with. My friends let me tell you that life is too short to stay quiet, get out there tell your story, embrace life and living and trust me you will be rewarded. Both emotionally, physically and spiritually. I find the greatest joy in meeting new people and experiencing life through their eyes. Because as I have told you before we each feel, experience and see things differently, and if you take the chance to walk in someone else's shoes, guess what you might get blisters or sore toes, but you are also going to have a greater understanding of who that person really is.
My advice to you my friend is don't give in to despair, anguish, anxiety, guilt or any of the other hundreds of emotions that you might be feeling, don't wallow in self-despair and pity, change the variables, change the game, and like I told you yesterday you can change the way you think and react to things. Find something new and different to do, find a new outlet, hobby or release that you are comfortable with, enjoy and make the change. Again, I will tell you if I can do it so can you.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Here let me digress a minute and fill you in on some rather personal information, some of you may already know, but here goes anyway, my big dark secret and a fear that I have been carrying around since June. On June 13th I went in to the hospital to have another bowel resection, they were supposed to remove the colostomy that is acting as a mucus fistula and try and eliminate the ileostomy at the same time. Now, this would have been wonderful and a dream come true. But the reality of the situation is that there has been too many surgeries, too much inflammation, scar tissue and adhesions that have built up because of those surgeries, not to mention all the damage done to the tissue and the pelvic cavity from the radiation treatments. What was discovered is that as soon as the scalpel starts cutting the abdominal wall, my blood pressure drops to dangerous levels, my breathing becomes erratic and my heart rate declines and my body starts to flat line. Meaning that if they were to continue the surgery I would have died without any chance of revival. This was the end of my dream and hope of finally being a whole and normal person. I have been told recently that neither of the surgeons that have handled my situation in the past were willing to open me back up under any circumstance. That it would take a skilled team of professionals to handle any further surgery that I may have. Unfortunately in October it was discovered that the stricture that developed when they fused the two sections of colon back together has grown closed and that I would have to have another surgery. This surgery is going to be extremely risky and may actually end my life. However, it has to be done, the mucus fistula is not working like they thought it would and fluid continues to build up on my pelvis.
Now, the reason why am telling you all of this is because of the simple fact that the colon has grown totally closed where it was fused is what is causing the fluid to build up. It also precludes me from having any type of anal penetration. Further, the surgery during the emergency surgery that was performed in March, I was cut open from my breast bone down to my groin. Now I am talking all the way down to the penis, because of how deeply I was cut and the way that the muscles grew back together an inch or more of my penis is now indented. Which means that the length of it is now noticeably shorter. This for the most part will preclude me from having sex with most gay men, due to the scarring and the length. So overall in my mind I would have to say that sex for me is now completely finished, over and never to be had again. Seriously, this is a daunting proposition for me, because as people from my past can attest I love sex, it was an activity that I actually was pretty good at and have had some considerable practice at. No I wasn't promiscuous or anything like that, but there was a time and a place where sex was something that I literally breathed. This is just one example out of many others that I can throw at you. My mother had a friend named Jeanette, who lived to be 91 years old. Up until she was 89 she was very active and vigorous in her daily activities and in doing yard work. She got sick in her 90th year her, she suffered terribly from arthritis and COPD and various other factors that took her mobility and energy away. However, she still demanded to take care of herself, lived by herself and up until her death held a license and owned a car, though like I said when she turned 90 she really couldn't drive anymore because of macular degeneration of her eyes.
In her case she missed doing the physical things, she was used to taking care of herself and her house. She prided herself on her ability to do those things and the weaker she got the more frustrated she would get. I actually moved home to help my mother take care of her that last year that she was alive, I drove everywhere and cooked and did as many things as I could for her so that she didn't have too. I enjoyed helping her, but one day in January of 2010 she looked at me and asked me if she was a burden, how she wished that she could just die because she felt like she had to rely on others to do the most basic things and it was hard for her to admit that she was just not able to do everything by herself. My answer surprised her, I didn't think she was a burden at all, and I actually enjoyed the time I got to spend with her. I learned things about my life and why I cared about people so much. In a way, my limitations brought me to the realization that I may not be able to do all the things that a normal male of 40 can do, but there are other things, and that I have found someone that accepts and understands my limitations and loves me anyway makes all the difference to me in the world. I have channeled my energy and passion of sex into caring and helping others. It has pushed me out there into the world to talk to others about my illnesses, limitations, expectations and how I handle them. I have begun volunteering and helping others in a way that is rewarding and fulfilling. However, I have found that being candid with others about my illnesses, and limitations has made it easier for me to accept and move past them.
What I have done is found another outlet for my pent up anxiety and frustration. I remember Jeanette telling me that it is the simple things in life that brought her pleasure, and she would needle point or crochet for hours. Since she couldn't carry or lift things anymore, or push the mower or plant a full garden, she took joy in the things she could still do, instead of planting a full garden she planted herb gardens in her window. Planted strawberry plants in planters by her front door, she would crochet or needle point to keep her hands busy and her mind working on what she was doing. She occupied her time by things that she could still do that made her happy. The concept I am trying to bring forth to you, is it is possible to turn and find alternative activities to do to compensate for those abilities and things you can no longer do. I have a great mind and a terrific imagination, and I have figured out ways to compensate for my physical ability with activities and things that I can do. This helps me rid myself of the anxiety I felt, it also lessened my feelings of inadequacy and by talking about it to others, and writing in my blog has made it something that I can almost accept totally and move on. I still have feelings of anguish over my crushed dream of being made whole, but I think in time those too will pass and vanish. It also helps that I have found someone that cares enough about me to tell me that it doesn't matter to him, that we will face it together and will work out a solution. Up until today, I had been keeping it from him, but when I told him my fears, he said the right things, and that it didn't matter that it was me he wanted, that it was me that has inspired him and made him a better person, but you wanna know the truth of the matter, maybe it is that we inspired each other and have given each other hope for a better life, and a happier one then we have known before.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I have looked death in the eye several times this year, and it scared me, but somehow, I knew it wasn't my time to go yet. But it brought into sharp focus my limitations and abilities, it also made me intensely aware of the fear I had hiding within myself. Just like Jeanette, I had begun to feel like I was a relic, no longer useful or productive and that I wasn't going to be wanted and desired by anyone. Now, with that being said, those that truly know me can attest that nothing gets me down for long so I have bounced back and I have shifted my focus to what I can do, what makes me happy, what am I passionate about that I can pour my energy and my life into. I have come to understand that having a terminal illness doesn't mean that you are going to die right away necessarily and that there is life after being diagnosed. As I said at the beginning of this entry, there are just circumstances and events that are beyond our scope of control that can severely impact our lives and limit our abilities. When that happens, we can't let the anguish and depression hold us back, we have to face those limitations without fear, using our mind and creativity and imagination to find ways to compensate or even supplement the loss.
Now I am fully aware that there is going to be a period of time when your mind and emotions are not going to deal with this rationally. You are definitely going to go through the 5 stages of grief and remorse and will have to weather that storm, but eventually after you have passed through that you will find other activities and things that will help you take your mind off the limiting ability. I have found that humor helps me deal with my situation and allows me to be perfectly frank and candid about my situation. When I am talking to others, or filling out applications, and it comes to the question of sex, I say well I am a plant, I am neither male of female, I am asexual how would you like me to answer this question. Or if they ask it another way, I say no not right now I am too sore, but maybe when I heal up we could attempt. Levity and humor make the situation tolerable, and opens the door for me to talk to others about my illness and how it has actually affected me. You never know where personal encounters are going to take you, or who else might be dealing with a similar situation and have been harboring the guilt and anxiety within themselves and has had no one that they can talk to or even laugh about it with. My friends let me tell you that life is too short to stay quiet, get out there tell your story, embrace life and living and trust me you will be rewarded. Both emotionally, physically and spiritually. I find the greatest joy in meeting new people and experiencing life through their eyes. Because as I have told you before we each feel, experience and see things differently, and if you take the chance to walk in someone else's shoes, guess what you might get blisters or sore toes, but you are also going to have a greater understanding of who that person really is.
My advice to you my friend is don't give in to despair, anguish, anxiety, guilt or any of the other hundreds of emotions that you might be feeling, don't wallow in self-despair and pity, change the variables, change the game, and like I told you yesterday you can change the way you think and react to things. Find something new and different to do, find a new outlet, hobby or release that you are comfortable with, enjoy and make the change. Again, I will tell you if I can do it so can you.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Have you ever done something that hurt someone else but you didn't mean for it too?
I am sure we all have done something at one point in our lives or another that has hurt another individual but that wasn't the original intention behind the action. So what do you do to make the situation better? Honestly there may not be anything that you can do. The damage is done, the person's feeling are hurt, they feel betrayed, and their fragile trust has been injured or possibly even broken. So how do you proceed and act? The simple answer here is you might have to abide by their wishes and take a break from them and the situation for a little while. Give them a chance for the wounds to heal before you try and approach them again. Because no matter what you do or say to mend the situation may just probably end up making it a lot worse. I am sure that we have addressed something along these lines before. Remember when a person is feeling hurt and vulnerable nothing you say or can do is ever going to be heard by that person. They are so focused on the pain of the incident that the extraneous information you are trying to rationalize or justify the action with is lost totally on them and they don't care. All they feel is the slight and hurt that has wounded them.
In most cases like this one I would say that time the great equalizer is what is going to either lessen the pain enough for them to be able to talk to you about it, or gives them enough room that allows them to heal and re-evaluate the situation. However, keep in mind that some wounds might never heal totally. They maybe scabbed over, and you coming around them might cause that to rip off and them once again to feel the pain and sting of the original incident. Give the other person as much time and space as they need to heal and let them come back to you on their terms. We all know how if a wound doesn't heal properly it can become infected and might cause greater complications down the road. Word wounds can be just like that they can linger, and if they are left to fest or are continually irritated they can spread and cause a person to build up resentment and anger, and lash out at you at inappropriate times. Let the other person heal, let them assess the damage done and let them decide if they can take the risk of coming back around you.
I know this is hard, you have a burning desire to make the situation better right away, you want to go in and explain yourself, defend your actions and prove that you meant no harm, that something was misinterpreted that your intentions were pure, but it isn't about you any longer. It is about them and the hurt they are feeling or the perceived injury they have experienced and was caused by you. As I have said earlier trust is a very fragile thing, it is something that is built up between two people over time, and if it is hurt or injured in someway, it may never fully recover or heal. Trust is not something that just happens, it take time and energy to nurture and grow. So be very careful with it, treat it right and it will surprise you at it tenacity and capacity to forgive once the injured party has time to process and reflect on what has happened. Time is the only true cure that can help someone. Plus, you have to keep in mind that they might have been hurt like this before by someone else and your action caused an old wound to reopen, they might be dealing with that on top of the hurt that you unintentionally inflicted upon them.
Scars are funny things, they are not always visible but are always there, they are carried around and can reopen at any time. Scars become a part of a person, some are seen, some are not. They are what a person has gone through in their past and it has become a part of them. When you except a person as a friend or more, you get the whole person, the good, the bad, the hurt, the scars, the baggage of the past, and only through exploration can you begin to discover how deep these old hurts and scars maybe. You just have to be careful and be frugal with your heart and trust. It can be easily be betrayed without it ever meaning too. But you also need to give the other person the benefit of the doubt. They may not know you all that well, couldn't possibly have any idea of what you have been through or are going through. Their actions might have seemed harmless to them, but caused you a great deal of hurt. Sometimes, in the thick of things words are spoken that weren't meant. You may have to take sometime and divorce your emotions from the situation and come at it from a purely logical standpoint and truly assess the intentions of the individual. Don't through a good friendship away on a simple mistake.
Both sides need to take time and heal. Both parties need to understand that the other person made a mistake that was all and no harm was intended . No matter which side you are on, take the time to calmly and logically review the situation and make amends. Don't let anger and resentment fester within, get it all out in the open, express how you feel and then, revisit the situation once everything has died down and you can come at it from a logical standpoint. Life is too short to stay angry or hurt at a person you regard as a friend. Take all the time you need, but I encourage you to reassess the situation, look at the damage that is done, and make amends. No one is so important that they can't have more friends, and life is way too short and delicate to be angry at someone that truly meant no harm and didn't know that their actions were going to cause you pain.
Those of you who know me know that I don't have a mean bone in my body, I don't hide or harbor malice in my heart, and if my actions have caused someone else pain, then I am the type of person to try and make amends, try to heal the breach, and repair the damage that has been done, but sometimes it is out of our hands and we have to let nature, time and God work out the issue for us. Because nothing I do or say would make the situation any better and could possibly and quite probably make the situation worse I have to walk away and let time and God heal the wound.
Please keep this in mind, we cannot undo those things in the past, we can only learn and grow from the mistakes we make. The lessons that we learn through loss and pain are the ones that stick with us forever. Be honest with yourself and you will be true to your heart. You know that each of us is human and that we all make mistakes and fall. But handle that fall with grace and dignity, lift your head and get up again. Keep going don't give up. Don't fall prey to depression, guilt and anger, because you know in your heart that harm or malice was never intended and the other party will learn that in time too.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
In most cases like this one I would say that time the great equalizer is what is going to either lessen the pain enough for them to be able to talk to you about it, or gives them enough room that allows them to heal and re-evaluate the situation. However, keep in mind that some wounds might never heal totally. They maybe scabbed over, and you coming around them might cause that to rip off and them once again to feel the pain and sting of the original incident. Give the other person as much time and space as they need to heal and let them come back to you on their terms. We all know how if a wound doesn't heal properly it can become infected and might cause greater complications down the road. Word wounds can be just like that they can linger, and if they are left to fest or are continually irritated they can spread and cause a person to build up resentment and anger, and lash out at you at inappropriate times. Let the other person heal, let them assess the damage done and let them decide if they can take the risk of coming back around you.
I know this is hard, you have a burning desire to make the situation better right away, you want to go in and explain yourself, defend your actions and prove that you meant no harm, that something was misinterpreted that your intentions were pure, but it isn't about you any longer. It is about them and the hurt they are feeling or the perceived injury they have experienced and was caused by you. As I have said earlier trust is a very fragile thing, it is something that is built up between two people over time, and if it is hurt or injured in someway, it may never fully recover or heal. Trust is not something that just happens, it take time and energy to nurture and grow. So be very careful with it, treat it right and it will surprise you at it tenacity and capacity to forgive once the injured party has time to process and reflect on what has happened. Time is the only true cure that can help someone. Plus, you have to keep in mind that they might have been hurt like this before by someone else and your action caused an old wound to reopen, they might be dealing with that on top of the hurt that you unintentionally inflicted upon them.
Scars are funny things, they are not always visible but are always there, they are carried around and can reopen at any time. Scars become a part of a person, some are seen, some are not. They are what a person has gone through in their past and it has become a part of them. When you except a person as a friend or more, you get the whole person, the good, the bad, the hurt, the scars, the baggage of the past, and only through exploration can you begin to discover how deep these old hurts and scars maybe. You just have to be careful and be frugal with your heart and trust. It can be easily be betrayed without it ever meaning too. But you also need to give the other person the benefit of the doubt. They may not know you all that well, couldn't possibly have any idea of what you have been through or are going through. Their actions might have seemed harmless to them, but caused you a great deal of hurt. Sometimes, in the thick of things words are spoken that weren't meant. You may have to take sometime and divorce your emotions from the situation and come at it from a purely logical standpoint and truly assess the intentions of the individual. Don't through a good friendship away on a simple mistake.
Both sides need to take time and heal. Both parties need to understand that the other person made a mistake that was all and no harm was intended . No matter which side you are on, take the time to calmly and logically review the situation and make amends. Don't let anger and resentment fester within, get it all out in the open, express how you feel and then, revisit the situation once everything has died down and you can come at it from a logical standpoint. Life is too short to stay angry or hurt at a person you regard as a friend. Take all the time you need, but I encourage you to reassess the situation, look at the damage that is done, and make amends. No one is so important that they can't have more friends, and life is way too short and delicate to be angry at someone that truly meant no harm and didn't know that their actions were going to cause you pain.
Those of you who know me know that I don't have a mean bone in my body, I don't hide or harbor malice in my heart, and if my actions have caused someone else pain, then I am the type of person to try and make amends, try to heal the breach, and repair the damage that has been done, but sometimes it is out of our hands and we have to let nature, time and God work out the issue for us. Because nothing I do or say would make the situation any better and could possibly and quite probably make the situation worse I have to walk away and let time and God heal the wound.
Please keep this in mind, we cannot undo those things in the past, we can only learn and grow from the mistakes we make. The lessons that we learn through loss and pain are the ones that stick with us forever. Be honest with yourself and you will be true to your heart. You know that each of us is human and that we all make mistakes and fall. But handle that fall with grace and dignity, lift your head and get up again. Keep going don't give up. Don't fall prey to depression, guilt and anger, because you know in your heart that harm or malice was never intended and the other party will learn that in time too.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
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