Over the past couple of days I have been thinking about my past, as my birthday neared, I took the time to stop and wonder what if? What might have been? What would be different? Plus a whole host of other questions that we are not supposed to ask ourselves. It has been my experience that the more we look back and ask these questions, the further it takes us from moving forward to the next phase of our lives. But sometimes circumstances arise that cause us to look at the past from a different perspective, see things a bit differently. See it is my contention that one reason why people tend to hold on to the past so tightly is because they glamorize what had happened, time and distance have lessened the pain, and we look backward with fondness. This makes it that much harder to accept the present, and the hardships that we are facing currently. We see that our problems are insurmountable and that we can't possibly over come them. It is our past that keeps us firmly rooted in place. The future is hard to imagine and if we can't see past our present problems how do we think that we can ever make it through to the future. Honestly, it is that type of thinking that will lead you back to the What if's, the Could have been's and all the other questions.
Each of us has had relationships in the past, but for some reason we have a tendency to compare our current relationship to those that have come before it. As I said we glamorize it and make it out to be better than it was. What we must keep in mind is that no two individuals are ever alike, and that in similar circumstances those same two people are going to react and handle the situation in a totally different manner. Now, what some of you may not realize, is that by constantly comparing your current to the past, it is keeping you from accepting the new relationship as it is being presented to you and you are alienating your current from committing to you, because they don't honestly think that they can compete or compare to your ex. So what tends to happen is that you end up pushing that person away, they are disillusioned from constantly hearing about your past and how perfect your relationship was. When the truth of the matter is that if your relationship from the past was so great then answer me this, why aren't you still with that person in the first place. What you have to remember is that the problems you faced and caused you to break up are still there, they haven't changed or gone away, you just don't feel the intense emotional and physical pain that you did when you were with that person.
I am sure some of you have found that out. You have gone back to the ex, and had expected that the person and the situation had changed, but the truth of the matter was the original reason why you two broke up is still there and will come back. All those petty annoyances that if taken individually would be acceptable, but when added together become something altogether different. See, each of those petty annoyances added together become a huge problem and you find that you cannot overcome it. Therefore the relationship once again suffers and you end up breaking up all over again. But what about the one that you didn't give the chance too? The one that you pushed away with your constant comparisons? What about him or her? Are you willing to go back and admit that you were wrong, that you were sorry that you didn't give them a chance or do you just walk away and try all over again? If you are like me in most cases you would walk away and try again, but what if you find out that the one that you let go, is the one that you really want, that they are the perfect compliment to you? What would you do then? Well, again, if you are like me you would do anything in your power to try and get back the one that got away.
Sometimes that isn't possible, sometimes there are circumstances and situations that are beyond your control. Other times it may not be the right time for the two of your to be together, so you have to wait. I have told one of my ex's that our story is not yet over, and I mean that with all of my heart. I think that somewhere in the future there is going to be a perfect time and place that is meant for just us and in that moment we will be united and get back together. Though as I have grown and matured, I have started to doubt that! We had our moment, and though there is some connection still between us and feelings that have not yet been resolved, we have proved that we can be great friends. See it has been a long while since we were together, and we did spend three years as a couple and during that time we both made some very bad mistakes, but at the end of it all we have come back together as friends. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I still love and care for him, I just am not sure that we will ever get back together. See, God has a funny way of making things like this work out in our daily lives. What if when I told him that our story wasn't finished, meant that the rest of our story was to be as best friends versus lovers? See, whatever the case maybe he has moved on and so have I.
I am not sure what the future holds for us right now, he is very ill and so am I. So does that mean that one day we are destined to be together again as boyfriends and lovers? Or does it mean that we are going to always be close friends and care about each other till the day we die? I can't answer those questions, but I do know that no matter what happens in my life or where I go from here, he will always be a part of me. The time that we spent together cannot be replaced by anyone and no one can take away the memories and adventures that we faced and overcame together. So what does this mean for my current relationship? Well, it means that I am not going to change anything, or spare my feelings, that I am not going to compare the two together because they are totally different. But it also means is that if my current and my ex can't get along then maybe they need to come to some sort of compromise for my sake. See the person that I am with now, was the person that I let get away from me once in the past, and though my feelings for him are very strong, I am beginning to understand that the person that I once knew may not be the person I am with today. See, just as I have grown and matured so has he, and the changes have been dramatic.
I cannot see the future, I do not pretend to know the Mind of God, and I wouldn't want to even if I could know. See, half of the fun of a relationship is the melding of the two individuals into a whole unit, it is the discovery and getting to know one another in a more intimate level that adds mystery and suspense to the equation and keeps us wanting to explore and learn more. Now, if at the end of my discovery phase I find that I cannot accept all of the things my partner does, I will at least have formed a lasting bond that will last till the end of my days. See, I know that I love the person I am with, but I also know that there are somethings that he does and has done that are not to my liking or taste, and if I am wanting to be with him, I have to come to grips with that and accept them as face value or I have to walk away. Believe it or not I am not sure which takes the stronger person, to accept, or walk away. What I do know is that as you grow and mature, and so do they, if your progress isn't on the same lines, then you might have to walk away, I wouldn't want you to compromise your morals or scruples just to stay with someone.
Now with that being said let me talk a little more about why I started mulling over the past as my birthday approached. See, it has become evident that though the partner I am with has told me the words, and has made promises, I am not 100 percent sure that he is keeping them or his promises. See, I know how hard it is to break free from addiction and a certain phone conversation brought home the point to me very well. He isn't at the same point I am emotionally or physically, he is still wanting to reach back into the past and do what we had promised each other we wouldn't. Now this is frightening to me, because he told me that he was past all of that, that he wasn't sleeping with others or doing drugs and here I find out that he might be anyway. His family certainly seems to think so, and then there are the days that go by when I can't reach him on the phone, his refusal to let anyone know that he is with me or dating me. On the list goes. See with my ex it was never an issue, he had no problem letting others know that we were together, and there really were no secrets between us, and I am afraid that I have walked right into a trap. That the cute words, the platitudes of love, are just that. So maybe the one that I let get away should have stayed away.
But the real reason why I have been thinking about those questions and words, is because I am getting older, I am no longer going to find it easy to find someone that can and will accept me with my limitations and physical deformities. Life just isn't as fair as it should be when it comes to love and relationships in the gay community. So, what if what I think is a relationship is nothing more than someone playing on my insecurities, and here I have taken what was said at face value and plunged right in headfirst. I have told you before that we truly never really know what is going on in the minds of others and that there is no way we can read their thoughts and know what is actually going on. So what I have been doing is looking at the past relationship that I was comfortable with that ended because of circumstances beyond my control and the one that I am currently in. I am doing what I told you not to do. I am comparing them, and trying to see if there is a pattern here that I should be aware of. Amazingly, I have to stick with my original assessment, though I love my ex very much, there doesn't seem to be much of a chance that him and I will get back together, and though I know that my current is out there doing whatever it is that he is doing, I have to trust that he is not lying to me and feeding me a bunch of lies to get to his own end.
So do me and yourself a favor, take the chance and the risk of going back after the one that you let get away. Who knows you may find yourself in a loving and productive relationship that makes you feel secure and safe. You owe it to yourself to take the chance, find out once and for all. Because you want to know something, whatever is lost can be found again and that also includes love! So, if like me you are going through it and aren't sure what the outcome is going to be, you can take comfort in the knowledge that you gave it a try and if it works great and if it doesn't "Oh Well" life goes on and you can try it again. Keep in mind that when you do go back, and if you cannot get past those things that caused you to break up in the first place that your relationship is going to be doomed to fail just as it did before. However, if you are truly willing to work and come to concessions and compromise on those things, maybe coming back together isn't so impossible after all. But you do owe it to yourself to see if the one that you let get away wasn't the one you were supposed to be with. You might just be surprised, they could be the one, or prove to you that the one in your past was the one. Only you can decide.
Now if you have gotten through all of this you might see the pattern of my thoughts as they emerged in this writing. See, my thoughts are cyclical here. I started out with my thought, went to the one that got away and eventually came back to the one that you left. So what is the right answer, only you can tell, but if you don't try you will never know for sure and those doubts might come back to bite you one day. I know that Sterling and I will always be friends, and I know by now that he knows where he stands in my heart and my life. But I also know that I am willing to give Kerry a chance and see what turns out to be the future, either he is telling the truth and really wants to be with me or he doesn't and time will be the deciding factor in this.
I keep telling you that time is short and you never know where you are going to end up or how much time you are going to have. So you owe it to yourself to try and find love, and be happy. You are the only one with the power to make you happy, so explore every relationship and learn, live and experience. Because when you finally do find your soul-mate you are going to know beyond a shadow of a doubt.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,