The One That Got Away!

 Over the past couple of days I have been thinking about my past, as my birthday neared, I took the time to stop and wonder what if? What might have been?  What would be different? Plus a whole host of other questions that we are not supposed to ask ourselves.  It has been my experience that the more we look back and ask these questions, the further it takes us from moving forward to the next phase of our lives.  But sometimes circumstances arise that cause us to look at the past from a different perspective, see things a bit differently.  See it is my contention that one reason why people tend to hold on to the past so tightly is because they glamorize what had happened, time and distance have lessened the pain, and we look backward with fondness.  This makes it that much harder to accept the present, and the hardships that we are facing currently.  We see that our problems are insurmountable and that we can't possibly over come them.  It is our past that keeps us firmly rooted in place.  The future is hard to imagine and if we can't see past our present problems how do we think that we can ever make it through to the future.  Honestly, it is that type of thinking that will lead you back to the What if's, the Could have been's and all the other questions.

Each of us has had relationships in the past, but for some reason we have a tendency to compare our current relationship to those that have come before it.  As I said we glamorize it and make it out to be better than it was.  What we must keep in mind is that no two individuals are ever alike, and that in similar circumstances those same two people are going to react and handle the situation in a totally different manner.  Now, what some of you may not realize, is that by constantly comparing your current to the past, it is keeping you from accepting the new relationship as it is being presented to you and you are alienating your current from committing to you, because they don't honestly think that they can compete or compare to your ex.  So what tends to happen is that you end up pushing that person away, they are disillusioned from constantly hearing about your past and how perfect your relationship was.   When the truth of the matter is that if your relationship from the past was so great then answer me this, why aren't you still with that person in the first place. What you have to remember is that the problems you faced and caused you to break up are still there, they haven't changed or gone away, you just don't feel the intense emotional and physical pain that you did when you were with that person.

I am sure some of you have found that out. You have gone back to the ex, and had expected that the person and the situation had changed, but the truth of the matter was the original reason why you two broke up is still there and will come back.  All those petty annoyances that if taken individually would be acceptable, but when added together become something altogether different.  See, each of those petty annoyances added together become a huge problem and you find that you cannot overcome it.  Therefore the relationship once again suffers and you end up breaking up all over again.  But what about the one that you didn't give the chance too? The one that you pushed away with your constant comparisons? What about him or her?  Are you willing to go back and admit that you were wrong, that you were sorry that you didn't give them a chance or do you just walk away and try all over again?  If you are like me in most cases you would walk away and try again, but what if you find out that the one that you let go, is the one that you really want, that they are the perfect compliment to you? What would you do then?  Well, again, if you are like me you would do anything in your power to try and get back the one that got away.

Sometimes that isn't possible, sometimes there are circumstances and situations that are beyond your control.  Other times it may not be the right time for the two of your to be together, so you have to wait.  I have told one of my ex's that our story is not yet over, and I mean that with all of my heart.  I think that somewhere in the future there is going to be a perfect time and place that is meant for just us and in that moment we will be united and get back together.   Though as I have grown and matured, I have started to doubt that! We had our moment, and though there is some connection still between us and feelings that have not yet been resolved, we have proved that we can be great friends.  See it has been a long while since we were together, and we did spend three years as a couple and during that time we both made some very bad mistakes, but at the end of it all we have come back together as friends.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I still love and care for him, I just am not sure that we will ever get back together.  See, God has a funny way of making things like this work out in our daily lives. What if when I told him that our story wasn't finished, meant that the rest of our story was to be as best friends versus lovers?  See, whatever the case maybe he has moved on and so have I.

I am not sure what the future holds for us right now, he is very ill and so am I.  So does that mean that one day we are destined to be together again as boyfriends and lovers?  Or does it mean that we are going to always be close friends and care about each other till the day we die?  I can't answer those questions, but I do know that no matter what happens in my life or where I go from here, he will always be a part of me.  The time that we spent together cannot be replaced by anyone and no one can take away the memories and adventures that we faced and overcame together.  So what does this mean for my current relationship?  Well, it means that I am not going to change anything, or spare my feelings, that I am not going to compare the two together because they are totally different.  But it also means is that if my current and my ex can't get along then maybe they need to come to some sort of compromise for my sake.  See the person that I am with now, was the person that I let get away from me once in the past, and though my feelings for him are very strong, I am beginning to understand that the person that I once knew may not be the person I am with today.  See, just as I have grown and matured so has he, and the changes have been dramatic.

I cannot see the future, I do not pretend to know the Mind of God, and I wouldn't want to even if I could know.  See, half of the fun of a relationship is the melding of the two individuals into a whole unit, it is the discovery and getting to know one another in a more intimate level that adds mystery and suspense to the equation and keeps us wanting to explore and learn more.  Now, if at the end of my discovery phase I find that I cannot accept all of the things my partner does, I will at least have formed a lasting bond that will last till the end of my days.  See, I know that I love the person I am with, but I also know that there are somethings that he does and has done that are not to my liking or taste, and if I am wanting to be with him, I have to come to grips with that and accept them as face value or I have to walk away.  Believe it or not I am not sure which takes the stronger person, to accept, or walk away.  What I do know is that as you grow and mature, and so do they, if your progress isn't on the same lines, then you might have to walk away, I wouldn't want you to compromise your morals or scruples just to stay with someone.

Now with that being said let me talk a little more about why I started mulling over the past as my birthday approached.  See, it has become evident that though the partner I am with has told me the words, and has made promises, I am not 100 percent sure that he is keeping them or his promises.  See, I know how hard it is to break free from addiction and a certain phone conversation brought home the point to me very well.  He isn't at the same point I am emotionally or physically, he is still wanting to reach back into the past and do what we had promised each other we wouldn't.  Now this is frightening to me, because he told me that he was past all of that, that he wasn't sleeping with  others or doing drugs and here I find out that he might be anyway.  His family certainly seems to think so, and then there are the days that go by when I can't reach him on the phone, his refusal to let anyone know that he is with me or dating me.  On the list goes.  See with my ex it was never an issue, he had no problem letting others know that we were together, and there really were no secrets between us, and I am afraid that I have walked right into a trap.  That the cute words, the platitudes of love, are just that. So maybe the one that I let get away should have stayed away.

But the real reason why I have been thinking about those questions and words, is because I am getting older, I am no longer going to find it easy to find someone that can and will accept me with my limitations and physical deformities.  Life just isn't as fair as it should be when it comes to love and relationships in the gay community.  So, what if what I think is a relationship is nothing more than someone playing on my insecurities, and here I have taken what was said at face value and plunged right in headfirst.  I have told you before that we truly never really know what is going on in the minds of others and that there is no way we can read their thoughts and know what is actually going on.  So what I have been doing is looking at the past relationship that I was comfortable with that ended because of circumstances beyond my control and the one that I am currently in. I am doing what I told you not to do.  I am comparing them, and trying to see if there is a pattern here that I should be aware of.  Amazingly, I have to stick with my original assessment, though I love my ex very much, there doesn't seem to be much of a chance that him and I will get back together, and though I know that my current is out there doing whatever it is that he is doing, I have to trust that he is not lying to me and feeding me a bunch of lies to get to his own end.

So do me and yourself a favor, take the chance and the risk of going back after the one that you let get away.  Who knows you may find yourself in a loving and productive relationship that makes you feel secure and safe.  You owe it to yourself to take the chance, find out once and for all.  Because you want to know something, whatever is lost can be found again and that also includes love! So, if like me you are going through it and aren't sure what the outcome is going to be, you can take comfort in the knowledge that you gave it a try and if it works great and if it doesn't "Oh Well"  life goes on and you can try it again.  Keep in mind that when you do go back, and if you cannot get past those things that caused you to break up in the first place that your relationship is going to be doomed to fail just as it did before.  However, if you are truly willing to work and come to concessions and compromise on those things, maybe coming back together isn't so impossible after all.  But you do owe it to yourself to see if the one that you let get away wasn't the one you were supposed to be with.  You might just be surprised, they could be the one, or prove to you that the one in your past was the one.  Only you can decide.

Now if you have gotten through all of this you might see the pattern of my thoughts as they emerged in this writing. See, my thoughts are cyclical here.  I started out with my thought, went to the one that got away and eventually came back to the one that you left.  So what is the right answer, only you can tell, but if you don't try you will never know for sure and those doubts might come back to bite you one day.  I know that Sterling and I will always be friends, and I know by now that he knows where he stands in my heart and my life.  But I also know that I am willing to give Kerry a chance and see what turns out to be the future, either he is telling the truth and really wants to be with me or he doesn't and time will be the deciding factor in this.

I keep telling you that time is short and you never know where you are going to end up or how much time you are going to have. So you owe it to yourself to try and find love, and be happy.  You are the only one with the power to make you happy, so explore every relationship and learn, live and experience.  Because when you finally do find your soul-mate you are going to know beyond a shadow of a doubt.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Fools Rush In While the Wise Take Their Time.

I have been thinking a lot about relationships lately.  How they are formed and how they stand the test of time, distance, and endure in the face of adversity, jealousy, and envy.  I have also been considering why they might fail, and what is it that makes one relationship stronger than the other?  How can we protect ourselves from getting hurt?  I am sure you will be pretty surprised at what I have come up with on this.  See I have some friends that jump from relationship to relationship, they leap before they look, and sometimes that isn't always a bad thing. But the problem with leaping and not looking is you never actually know what you are going to get.  A question came out in my many phone conversations over the weekend that needs to be explored and answered, and I thought that there was no better place than on Uncle B's Corner. There are a lot of you who come here for advice, inspiration, guidance and support and I think that the question is one that is truly worthy of looking at in detail.   The question was when are you and I going to be number one, why are we always second best?  Why aren't we someone's first choice? Why do we have to wait and settle for what comes our way?

I am going to attempt to answer all of these question in this entry because I think they all tie together and if I weave my tapestry just right the story that unfolds might illuminate the darkness and dispel some of the common mistakes we make when we enter into a relationship.  The first thing I want to talk to you about is the standard age old question how do you make a relationship work.  The easiest thing to remember is that a relationship is a partnership, it is a two-way street, and both partners have to be willing to give and take, and it has to be an equal share, if one member is giving more than the other, it just isn't going to work.  Now, we have discussed relationships before and what you can do to make them last.  There are several key ingredients that needed to ensuring that your relationship is on a solid foundation, those are things like open communication, you have to be able to feel comfortable enough with your partner that you can discuss anything and everything with them.  There can be no secrets, remember that secrets have a price, not only now but in the future as well.  Secrets lead to feelings of betrayal, and open yourself up to lying and deception.  So there has to be absolute honesty, you have to be able to be honest with yourself first and foremost, then honest with your partner. You can't lie to yourself and then try to be honest with your partner, and further if you are sneaking around and hiding secrets from your partner are you being upfront and honest with them?  I don't actually think it is possible.  Lastly you have to open and receptive, you have to willing to compromise, adapt and bend, you cannot be so stuck and rigid in your ways, if you are how can anyone feel comfortable around you and in your environment.  Along with this concept of being open and receptive, is the willingness to try new things, accept the challenges of discovery, both within yourself and in your partner, you have to be open to experimentation and willing to discuss how you feel with them at every new venture.

If you can say and be honest with yourself, look over what I just wrote above, and you can honestly say that you have those attributes between yourself and your partner, I think you have a firm foundation that is going to be necessary to build a lasting long term relationship, and you will be able to weather the storms and obstacles that life and others are going to throw your way.  But remember this is the foundation and the beginning, this is what is necessary to build upon, and trust me when I tell you that a relationship is a work in progress, it is every changing, and you will have to be open to the challenge of growing and adapting with it.  If you are not! And are stuck in your own set rigidity, it will be easy for your partner to outgrow you and move on with someone else that is adaptable and willing to change and grow with the relationship and them.  Now that being said, it is also important to understand that because a relationship is a two-ways street, there has to be some areas of compromise, acceptance and unconditional surrender.  It is impossible to be in a relationship that is solely based on I versus We.  You have to understand that you are no longer thinking and planning for one, you are now a unit and what you do and decide is going to affect you and the entire relationship.  Along those same lines is the fact that both parties in the relationship are not stationary, you have not completed your own path of enlightenment, your journey of self discovery and awareness, you aren't the final product of who you will be or who you are.  Neither has your partner, therefore you have to build in safeguards and plans, you have to have common relationship goals that are in alignment and further your own personal goals.  Remember I told you in another earlier entry that the couples that have both common friends and individual friends as well as common relationship goals and separate personal goals are the ones that are most likely to endure.

Unconditional acceptance and surrender is a mandatory factor in long lasting relationships, because you have to have the heart to accept those things that you cannot change, and surrender yourself to your partner daily and they to you.  By surrender I mean you have to be able to have total trust and belief in your partner, they are who has your back and will be there to protect and uplift you at all times, and you them.  But lets talk a little bit about trust.  Trust is something that is earned over time, it is not something that is automatic, it has to be proven in words and deeds, and it is reinforced by repeated demonstration.  Once trust is established you have to nurture it and protect it, because as I have told you before it is a fragile thing that can be bruised and hurt very easily if betrayed by the person who it has been gifted too.  But it is this fragile and gentle thing called trust that is what will build the bond between you and your partner that no one can break.  It protects you against the jealousy, adversity and envy that others will try to throw at you, they will try to drive a wedge between you and separate you.  I believe that it was Sun Su once said that it is easier to win if you divide and conquer.  You cannot let another's words or deeds separate you from your partner, if you do then you are lost, and the relationship might not be able to survive. Trust is also what will allow your relationship to withstand time and distance, because you have learned to accept and trust your partner and know that they are not going to do anything that will hurt you, that you can count on them and rely on them at all times and in all things.

It is also possible to protect yourself and your heart from getting hurt by taking the time to really get to know the person that you are going out with.  Build a friendship, a relationship that fosters trust, explore each others personal goals, and explore their interest, hobbies, likes and dislikes.  I mean really get to know them, understand them see if their philosophy is similar to your own.  There is definitely nothing wrong with taking it slow.  Remember that everyone of us wears a mask that protects who we are from the world around us, take time to get to know and see the person behind their mask, you will be glad that you did.  Keep in mind that the person that you think they are when you started dating isn't the person that you are going to end up with, because after the honeymoon period and that mask is off, if you haven't taken the opportunity and time to get to know them you might be surprised to find you don't like the person or have anything at all in common with them. Which is why at the beginning of this I told you that those the rush into relationships end up not knowing what they are actually getting.

They say that we should learn from our past, and in the past courtships were usually longer in duration then they are today.  It is a proven fact that people who have a bond of friendship and  a deep respect and love for one another, who fall in love have a more successful and healthy relationship.  I know a lot of you think that if you get too close with a friend that it might ruin the relationship you have with them.  Honestly, guys that is a load of crap.  If you are friends already it will only make that friendship stronger, because a true friend is someone that already accepts you unconditionally, and if something were to happen with the relationship the friendship would still remain and both of you would get past the failed attempt. Remember that the human heart has the greatest capacity to love and forgive. How many times have you had fights and arguments with a friend and didn't talk to them for a while, but sooner or later both of you will come back together and make up.  Friendship can endure through anything, and the same is true for relationships based on true love.  Honestly, how can you love someone if you don't know them? How can you meet someone and three days later think you know everything about them, and be in love?  The answer my friend to both of these questions is that you can't.  If you really are honest with yourself, you know that you have confused attraction and lust and combined it with the feeling of being wanted and needed and called it love.  Love takes time to grow, it is a seed that is planted, nurtured, and then blooms, and when it does it is the sweetest thing you can ever know.

As far as the question of always being a runner up, never anyone's first choice that is a perception thing.  See if you are confident about yourself and know what you want, you end up settling for whatever comes your way, you jump at the first person that shows you attention, and again you confuse the emotions of being needed and wanted with your lust and attraction and think that it is love.  Honestly your mind has tricked you into thinking that lust was actually love, and you thought that the person's mask was the real person, you never gave each other the chance to meet the real people hiding behind the mask waiting to be revealed.  Therefore, everything you thought was actually a lie that you have told yourself, and no matter what you do the brain cannot ever trick the heart.  The heart will try to it's best to accept the other person but soon little things that they do and say will begin to bother you.  Once that starts happening that annoyance  will grow to animosity and eventually to dislike and the relationship will fall apart.  After this happens to you several times you start to doubt yourself, and your ability to actually find love.   Thus making yourself the perfect bridesmaid but never the bride.

Just remember my friend, if you are truly in the market for love, take the time to properly invest in it.  Love and relationships take work and effort, they are not spur of the moment things, and in my mind love at first sight rarely if ever actually happens.  The longer you take and the more that you know about each other will go a long way in building that foundation I was talking about, and once that foundation is laid, nothing in this world will ever be able to dislodge that which is built upon it.  I can tell you from my own personal experience that building a relationship that has a solid foundation of friendship, common experiences and unending trust is worth all the effort, energy and time you put into it.  What an amazing feeling it is to wake up in the morning thinking about someone and know that they are thinking about you.  That you have no doubt in your mind about that person or their intentions, and that they would do nothing intentionally to hurt you.  You know in your mind that they are your light and inspiration and when you go to sleep at night they are the last person that you think about before you fall asleep.  I have to admit, that even though me and my man are miles apart and have been separated for over a year, our relationship has grown so much stronger.  Let me tell you I used to get jealous when people flirted with him and he flirted back, but here is a lesson I learned, I should have taken it as a compliment that others think my man is sexy as hell and is attractive, because it is a great compliment not only to him but to me as well.  See, my man chased me down, he wanted me, and made that perfectly clear, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he could have had anyone he wanted, but it is me that he chose, and it is me that he wants, and at the end of the day I am the one he comes too, tells everything too, and above all else, I am the one he is thinking about.  When we are together I feel like I am home and content just being near him.  Talking to him on the phone puts a smile on my face and joy in my heart.  I know he is the only one for me.  Especially now after everything we have been through, because we have been apart for over a year, and all we have had is talking to one another, and Facebook and emails.  It forced us to actually talk to one another, to explore each other and learn all about each other all over again.  What I have learned and what he has shown me through all of this has been priceless, and no one can ever compete with our memories, and experiences.  No one could ever pry us apart or drive a wedge in between us, because we know each other so well now.

I hope that you take my words and use them, build the foundation, earn the trust needed, invest the time and energy necessary into really getting to know one another and find out exactly what I am talking about.  Again, life is too short to be alone and feeling unfulfilled.  Let me tell you when you find your true love, you will know in your heart, the heart cannot be fooled.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B