Monday, December 3, 2012

How do you react?

How would you react if someone told you something about yourself or your partner that just plain hurt you?  You don't know the whole situation or story, and the person might be lashing out at you or your partner because they have been hurt by your actions?  Would you confront the person and try to get to the bottom of why they were telling you this information?  Or would you wait to talk to your partner and see if any or all of it might be true?  What if you are already having doubts and insecurities about yourself and the relationship?  How would you react then?  See something was said to me the other night that has been bothering me and I don't know what to do, or how to handle the situation.  See, a part of me knows from the past that what was told to me could be true, but me and my partner have an agreement that situations like what was described to me wouldn't happen.  Now, I know that the person who brought this up, was hurt by something that my partner did and so I am not sure if they weren't just lashing out and trying to hurt him.  All I know for sure is that what was said was something that hurt me.  Then to make matters worse, I haven't been able to talk to my partner about any of this.  For the past two days he hasn't taken any of my calls, and when he finally did call, I asked him if he was some place private where he could talk, he told me that he would call me right back and then hung up.

All of these factors have me guessing as to what is really happening, and since my relationship is already strained because of the distance apart we are and the length of time we have been away from each other, it just makes all of this so much harder.  Plus, there are a few other things that have been bothering me since before my birthday that I have been waiting to talk to him about.  Unfortunately, I am a very social person and I don't do well on my own.  I like being able to talk to him about my problems and issues, which is awesome that I have found someone that I can do that with.  However, there are times like today when I wanted to talk to him, it seemed like it was an inconvenience and he had to go right away, and here I sit waiting for him to call back.  I try my best to be patient, and also as supportive and understanding as I can be. However, he sometimes pushes me to the extreme limit of my endurance, which makes it doubly hard. We have tried to make sure that our relationship is solid enough that we can talk to each other about anything, and discuss it.  We have never had a fight, and as far as I know there have been no secrets that we have kept from one another.  When we first started dating we made a couple of promises to ourselves that we have worked hard to keep in place. Those would be, that we would never go to bed mad at one another, that we wouldn't like to one another, that we would always be upfront and frank about our intentions and discuss things that might be contrary to our normal relationship.

I can tell you that this year has put this to the test in many ways, and I think that he has done a pretty good job of living up to those promises.  I also know that he would tell you that I have beyond a shadow of a doubt. I keep nothing secret from him and no matter how hurt I am, or how hurt he might be from a topic I eventually bring it too him.  As far as I can tell he has been truthful with me about what he has been doing and who he has been hanging out with.  It is hard because we are on opposite sides of the country, but we are doing our best to make it work. When I find it hard to cope with certain situations or when I don't have the ability to talk with him about things I come to you and talk to you guys about it.  This sort of clears my mind and gives me a direction to go in.  So it is rough and hurtful when someone inadvertently or even intentionally upsets that delicate balance.  Now like I stated above, I know from our past, certain activities and things that he has been known to do and participate in, so what was said to me isn't outside the realm of possibilities.  But, on the other side we have discussed these things and he has told me that he wasn't doing them, and that he felt guilty when he tried because I wasn't there with him.  So you can see my concern and confusion.  I love him so very much and I trust him, but the way the statements were delivered to me have given me pause and I would like to find out first hand from him exactly what he has been up too and put my fears and insecurities to rest.

I hope that he finds the time and energy to call me back so that I can finally put my mind to rest on this issue. Because let me tell you the past two days have been rough and all sorts of thoughts have been flying around in my head.  My head tells me that he wouldn't hurt me intentionally like that, but my heart is telling me that it is possible, because it is certainly a way for him to make some money for him to come and see me while I am in California.  But as I sit here and think about this, it really doesn't matter to me, because honestly there is nothing I can do about the situation from where I am at.  It just hurts me that he didn't feel comfortable enough to confide in me in detail his plans so that I wouldn't be caught off guard and hurt like I was.  Like I said the person who told me the details was hurt by something that he had done, and might have been lashing out trying to hurt him and I got caught in the crossfire.

Above all else I want him to know that I am here for him, that I care about him, and that I want him to tell me what he has going on so situations like this don't keep happening.  It is when I am blindsided that I feel like an idiot and are hurt by the words of others.  It is not like he is doing something wrong, however in a relationship those things should be discussed before they happen so that both parties are aware of the situation prior and can fend off the hurtful words and attacks by others.

I hope that he understands that no matter the outcome, my feelings aren't going to change about him, but I want him to confide in me, talk to me and tell me what his plans are before he does them.  I am not one of those people that believes that you should beg for forgiveness instead of asking for permission. I would rather you give me the option to voice my concerns and opinions before the deed is actually done, versus being dismissed out of hand without any say in the situation until it is over and done with.

Remember that all relationships depend on and need open lines of communication, that there has to be a balance that is maintained and that you are absolutely honest with one another no matter the pain that is associated with it.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B