What is actually meant by "Keeping it Real?"

I hear a lot of people running around saying "Keep it Real", "Real talk", or "100".  But do they even have an idea of what they are actually talking about.  The answer to that is NO.  See, the younger generation assumes that it means be honest, don't lie, don't cheat, be yourself etc.  Yes that is part of it, but there is so much more that encompasses what being real is all about.  Keeping it real has to start with integrity, truth and compassion.  Most youth use it today to be blunt and rude. They throw their opinion out there like it is requested, required or needed.  Guess what folks it isn't.  I have a friend that pointed out to me yesterday that if you are truly wanting to keep it real or be real, it has to start with yourself. You have to be true to yourself, be honest and open with yourself.  You can't hide behind your mask or fascade and think that you are being real or keeping it real.

Many of you run around pretending to be Thugs, gangsta's or bad boys.  Truth of the matter is it is just an act, it is a costume that you put on each morning when you get up. It is a behavior, or pattern that you are trying to use to change who you truly are.  The problem with this is, the real you is still there hidden behind all that you are trying to get the world to see. You are creating a false persona that you want other including your friends to see.  You weren't born a Thug, Gangster, bad boy. You were born a male, and you should grow into a man.  Who you are affiliated with or hang with should not be who you become.  If you want to have a secret identity it truly is up to you, but you can't be real to anyone else if you are not real with yourself. 

In order for you to be real you have to understand what being real actually entails.  See there is more too it than just being honest with others, it is more than just being blunt and straightforward.  Being real means being a person of integrity. Honest, trustworthy and putting others before yourself.  See there are elements of being real that many of you seem to not understand they are compassion, understanding and respect.  In order for you to be real with another person, you have to be compassionate at how you talk with them, how you deliver the truth to them.  Keep in mind it isn't what you say but how you say it.  Further, if you truly understand and respect the person and their intentions then you are going to be there for them and talk to them. You will take the time to explain to them the situation and make sure that they are aware of all the variables and possible risks that are involved.  Remember this Real is born out of love for another person, you care about them, you don't want them hurt or embarrassed, it isn't a means to be brutal, hurtful or blunt. 

I want to explain this to you a bit further, I want to break it down to you so that you understand exactly what being real is all about and what it entails. See there are responsibilities and emotions that are associated with being real or keeping it real.  But in order to understand all of this you first need to know what the definition of being real is all about.  Real as defined by the Webster's Pocket dictionary is "something which is existing, genuine, true, or authentic.  Under the law it is defined as property which is regarded as permanent, fixed or immovable; not illusory, artificial, or fraudulent." Either of those definitions go a long way into establishing what I am trying to say.  Most ot the time when someone tells you to keep it real, they are talking about you yourself, the person.  However, it is also something that should be demonstrated in your actions, attitude and way you interact with other people.  Being real is unconditional if you are trying to be real, it is something that is accepted and practiced at all times.  There isn't a halfway point with being real. Either you are or you are not. It is a way of life, and it isn't always easy.  You have to keep other's thoughts and feelings in mind as you are trying to practice it.

Being real is all about unconditionally accepting others, caring about them and giving them the respect that they deserve, and having their backs at all times, putting their needs and wants before your own.  It also is about being aware of their feelings and being honest and truthful with them using compassion, understanding, love and respect and offering them support to show them how you actually feel. Now, what does this mean.  It means that you have to be gentle and kind in your honesty with them, conscious of how your words and truth might hurt them.  You need to couch them in compassion and temper them with love, respect and understanding.  If you do this, the bluntness of your words and attitude will be tempered enough that won't hurt the other person too badly.  Often times your good intentions are missed because of the way in which they are said. Your word's are blunt, callus and bitter, they hurt and sting, it immediately puts the person you are trying to look out for put their backs up and resist what you are trying to tell them. The pain your words have caused has made them dig in their heals and can cause resentment towards you and your attitude. If you approach the situation as I have mentioned above your words will have a better chance of causing change and helping the other person. 

What I am trying to tell you is that "Being Real", "Keeping it Real", "Keeping it 100", or being just plain "real" is a lifestyle, a way of living.  It is something that needs to be practiced and lived, rather than trying to emulate it.  If you live by it, it will be automatic to you.  But being real is a combination of honesty with other emotions and processes involved.  In order for you to actually accomplish it and live by it you have to understand it.  That is what I want you to take away from this entry.  Being real needs to be handled with compassion, trust and faith. It encompasses love, respect, truth and support.  Actions speak louder than words, prove to me that you are real, by being real to yourself and others at all times.  If you are going to claim it you better damn well be doing it.

Remember it isn't something that you turn on or off. Either you are or your not!   Keep in mind that being real is all of those things I have mentioned compassion, trust, faith, love, respect and support. You can't only put one or two in there and think that you are being real.  You can't use blunt honesty alone and think that you are being real.  Being real is not something that you use as a weapon to hurt others, being real is just another name for integrity.  Being real and keeping it real, means that you show everyone respect, offer them support, you are honest with them in a compassionate and understanding way.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Money and Happiness don't necessarily equate.

You know the happiest times in my life were the times I spent with my dad's mom, she didn't have two dimes to rub together her entire life, but there was love, warmth, acceptance and happiness to be found under her roof.  My dad's father died when he was just 8 years old, and he being the middle child of a large family, he felt the death probably more seriously than all of his other siblings. Because the 4 older ones were already on their own, and the 4 younger ones didn't understand what was happening.  But, my grandmother, did her best with what she had, and always smiled even when times had to be extremely tough for her.  Undoubtedly she was the glue that held our family together, she made sure that she spent time with all the grandchildren and great grandchildren while she was alive.  I remember that the family always spent time at her house. Her youngest son and his 3 children lived with her, as well as my cousin Eric, whose mother, committed suicide when he was just 18 months old.

I was seven when we moved away, and even though we moved from Pennsylvania to Texas, my parents did go home to visit often.  When I was in the sixth grade, my parents went on a year long vacation and my younger brother and I were sent to live with my mother's mom who lived fairly close by my other grandmother, and I would spend every weekend that I could with my dad's mom. She was born in 1895 and had lot's of stories to tell about how things had changed during her life.  My dad's mother was the first to realize I was different and told me long ago that I was special and that I had a gift of joy and love to share with the world, that I should not let my parents or anyone deter me from sharing my gifts.

I joined the Navy right out of high school, and after boot camp and A school, I was transferred to the U.S.S. Wisconsin (BB-64) the last of the Great Battleships. We spent a great deal of time in the shipyards getting her ready for recommissioning. Some of the time we were in Pascagoula, MS and the other part of the time we were in the Naval Shipyard in Philadelphia.  It was then that I spent every weekend visiting my grandparents, splitting the time between both of them, and my mother's sister at the same time.  It was during these visits that I began to notice how different one side of my family was compared to the other side.  See, my parents fought all the time, were physically and mentally abusive compared to what parents are today. My parents had moved away to follow their dreams, and in a sense made it.  Back then my father was making good money about 50 to 60k a year, and my mother's family had always had money.

Now, to understand the contrast between the two sides of my family you have to understand that there was love, a sense of family and togetherness on my father's side that wasn't found on my mother's side.  My dad's mom pulled the family together, kept them together, and spent time with her children and grandchildren.  Even though she lived and supported a bigger family of 6 or more on her widows pension, she was always surrounded by family and love.  My mom's side of the family there were never any real close ties or bonds, my mother and her sister were close, but there was 17 years difference between my mother and her brother, where there were only 2 years difference between her and her sister.  My mom's parents bickered and often fought, yet there was a gulf separating them.  It didn't matter how successful my parents were or my aunt was there just didn't seem to be the same kind of love and warmth that was shown on my dad's side of the family.

Now, I do believe that my mom's parents love each other and their family, it was just shown differently, my mother came from a much different place than my father did.  There wasn't any want or real need on my mother's side of the family, my mom's mother never had to work, and had every comfort of life.  She did struggle with being a mother and a grandmother, and I believe that it came from being married at such a young age.  My grandfather served in the Navy during World War II and built upon his career when he got out.  Made lots of money and kept the family well insulated from the world around him. He was a remarkable man, full of energy and continued to work until his death at 80 years of age.  He never slowed down, and was frugal with his money.  When he passed away he left a great deal behind. Which caused a lot of strife between my mother and her brother who were the only ones left in my mother's family.  My grandmother had passed away in the late 80's and my aunt had died in a car accident 2 years before my grandmother.

Of course there is more to the story which helped me to come to a better understanding of life and the correlation between happiness and money.  To look into this a bit further, I would like to talk to you about my own family life, and how it comparatively contrasted my aunt's life.  See my mother and father, had made their money by working hard, my mother going to medical school and studying to be a nurse and then other things, my father worked his way up in the electronics field.  There marriage was never happy, there were constant fights and struggles, and they ended up marrying and divorcing each other 3 separate times.  Neither one could see that this was unhealthy for them, and damaging to both of them.  My aunt's life on the other hand, she had worked herself to a position high up in the insurance industry, she actually put her career before anything else, and got married later in life.  She was an executive Vice President of a large insurance firm when she met her husband who was in the toy industry.  Both of them had money when they met and married, yet over time their relationship was fraught with problems just like my parents. Now keep in mind that I had spent a great deal of time with my family the 2 years I was stationed in Philadelphia, and I got to know my aunt and uncle very well, as well as spent time with both grandmothers and my grandfather.  My aunt and uncle's way of dealing with issues was to pour money into the problem to try and make it go away. Maybe they did this hoping that by some chance the issue would just take care of itself while they focused on other things. Unfortunately, that never happened, I know that my aunt had hoped that she would be able to reconcile the differences between herself and her husband, but never got the chance because she was killed by a drunk driver.  My mother's parents never seemed to talk about anything, when my grandmother complained, my grandfather, went to work and brought in more money and also through money at the situation.

In the end all I can say is this, my parents couldn't make it work, by throwing dollars over fist at the issues that faced them, my aunt and uncle nor my grandmother or father ever did it that way either.  My parents today are not together, and have moved on with their lives apart.  An appropriate solution and they both seem so much happier.  Everybody else is dead and gone now on my mother's side, except for her and her brother, and they don't talk at all because of the money that was left by my grandfather.  This caused a rift between the two of them that even 15 years later has never been repaired.  My grandfather had decided in his will that my uncle had inherited all he was going to get while my grandfather was alive and left everything to my mother, which my uncle thought was unfair. I won't go into the details, but it was an ugly battle and my mother came out the winner in the end.

But the point I am trying to make by telling you all of this, is that money doesn't always make a family or even a person happier, it does make it easier to life and life comfortably, but it doesn't essentially mean that they have a perfect life, that there aren't problems, and certainly doesn't mean they are happy.  Yet, in contrast there seems to be a bond on my father's side of the family where struggling and need brought the family closer, there was happiness and laughter, acceptance and companionship to be found.  As I told you my dad's mother struggled to take care for her family on a widow's pension, that was meager by any sense of the word.  Constantly fraught with bills, and housing situations, they somehow made it through, and through it all there was love and a unity that cannot be explained.  I envy that side of the family really because no matter what the situation they faced it together, and overcame the obstacles and kept holding on together.

My dad's mother never swore, and as far back as I can remember looked old, but she had a fierceness about her and a driving force that made her the perfect matriarch.  She protected us all and stood up to anyone that she thought was a threat to her or the family.  One of the kids down the street that was friends with my cousin Eric, got in some sort of trouble and my grandmother chased him away, for whatever reason, and his father came down and threatened her. I was there! He had an axe handle in his hands and kept telling her that if she ever chased his son away with a broom again he would be back. Her words to him were firm and she held out her bony arm and said here, you think your man enough, break it!  You know what, he looked at her with amazement in his eyes, and turned speechless and left.  That is how strong she was, undeterred and not afraid of anything.

When I would come over as a child she would stand up for me. She knew how my parents were and she would hug me and kiss me and tell me that everything would be alright, and I knew without a doubt that she loved me and if by chance I got into some kind of trouble and my Uncle Jim was angry, Jim her youngest that lived with her till she died, she would tell him I got enough abuse and beatings at home and would keep him from punishing me.  I think about her often, and I wonder how she did it. How she kept the family together, showed love to everyone, never let anyone know the financial stress and pressure she had to have felt.  How every year she always sent $5.00 for every birthday, knowing that she couldn't spare it.  How much love must she have had to weather all those storms of life, being on her own for so long and raising her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren.  In my own life I have never seen so much love and dedication.  No matter how much money I have made in my life have I ever been able to experience that sort of happiness and love again.

Up until late 2008 I was making well over 100k a year, had 2 homes, at least 2 cars, 2 dogs, a cat and a solid relationship.  But like my parents before me, my relationship was full of fights and arguments, most stemming from bills and money.  It couldn't last, there wasn't the kind of peace and love in it like there was in my grandmother's world.  So, as I look back and ponder the question does money equal happiness? I would have to answer that it does not. That the issues remain the same whether you have money or not, that the secret to all of this is contentment, happiness and joy.  I now understand that if you aren't content with what you have at every moment of your life and give joy and thanks for what you have. There is no possible way that you can ever be happy.  It takes an deep understanding to see the achievements you have made and to be thankful for them.  To appreciate the people that are with you and help you to achieve them.  I want you to be blessed. I want you to be able to feel the love and joy in every moment of your life.  I want you to cherish the things that you have and be thankful for what you have achieved.  Above all else I want you to love yourself and your family. Money does make the world go round, but it doesn't buy you happiness or peace of mind. Only you can do that and it comes from within yourself.  It is not something you can chase down, achieve, or even buy.  So take a moment and be thankful for what you have and who you are with.  Love and cherish them, hug them and tell them daily how much you care for them. Life is short and before you know it, it might be too late and they are gone before you have a chance to tell them how much you love them.

I miss all my grandparents, I understand them better now, and didn't when I was younger. If I knew what I know now, I would have loved better, cherished more, and told them how much they inspired me.  But they are gone now, and it took me so long to realize what was right in front of my face the entire time.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Do you ever wonder why people seem to change over time?

When you meet someone new have you ever noticed that they seem to change, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot over time?  It is something that I have encountered time after time, with almost all of my friendships and relationships.  How do you approach every new encounter with a person?  Do you approach each as a long lasting friendship or do you look for something else?

I will tell you that I approach each encounter with the conscious thought that I am building a life long relationship that is going to stand up to the length of time. I have friends from middle school that I still talk to to this day, I have friends from the Navy, College and beyond.  But, with each and everyone I have had to overcome the masks that they present to the world.  Everyone of us do this to some extent or another.  This is the face that we wear out in public, it is what the world see first.  These masks help us feel secure and only show the portion of ourselves that we want others to see.

Now, by me saying this I am not saying that this is a bad thing.  It isn't, it is our coping mechanism with the world at large.  However, when you start to get to know a person truly, you begin to see the real person behind the facade that they present to the world.  In order for the relationship to stand up to the rigors of time, we must not only reveal our true selves to the other, but we must come to accept the other for who and what they are.  We have to accept their likes, dislikes, and idiosyncrasies.  We must love ourselves and must be comfortable enough with ourselves to see and accept ourselves and others.  This is not easy to do sometimes, and sometimes it is hard to turn off the mask that we wear.

What ever happened to "What you See is What you get?"  Some people have reached a level in their lives that they can incorporate and elaborate on their true inner self and that is the mask that they wear.  I learned this a long time ago working for Disney.  You are not to ever have a problem, when you are anywhere a Guest can see you, a smile should be on your face.  You never let a guest see you upset or down, you never let the magic fade.  The mask that I have perfected is that of complete happiness and positive disposition where nothing or no one seems to bother me, I try to never utter a harsh word about someone or criticize too much because that isn't my way.  Yet, those who know me and take the chance to get to know the real me the one who hides behind the mask, they find that at times I do have moments of despair, times of depression, I also get overwhelmed at times and I cry sometimes. Yet, my mask that I put out to the world is who I have become, these moments are short in duration and help me to reach out to others and help them with their problems and concerns.

My mask has given me the strength to overcome my pitfalls and weakness.  I strive to maintain a positive outlook and I pray constantly for guidance and wisdom.  So, what is the point that I am trying to make here?
It should be obvious that the old adage "Never judge a book by it's cover" is what I am trying to emphasize. Don't rely only on first impressions, because the person behind the mask might just be the person you are looking for.  You should remember that God brings people into our lives for various purposes.  It is my contention that there are 3 types of people that continually flow in and out of our lives.  These are Teachers, Students, and Confidants.  You may never know until they have left you which one they were....or what combination they were...so if you take the time to get to know everyone on the same basis of building and maintaining a permanent or long standing relationship you will definitely benefit from their wisdom, they might benefit from yours, or you might just find the person who you can always rely and depend upon.

But you have to get past that first initial mask to find the real person hiding inside, and if you are not looking for anything more than a friendship, you will soon find that you can see the real person hiding behind the mask.  Take the time and get to know everyone and approach them exactly the same and you will see what I am talking about.

Remember, from friendship comes trust, from trust comes understanding and from understanding love can take root and grow.  I have heard it say time and again, that if I get involved with you it will ruin our friendship. What a cop-out that truly is, because guess what if you are friends to start with how can being with someone intimately damage that friendship..you will say when the relationship ends it would ruin the friendship.  Well if you have truly built a relationship built on trust, friendship and have really gotten to know the real person why on earth would that relationship end, and if it did for a reason of betrayed trust or other reason, I can tell you that time will heal that wound and you will realize and miss the friend that you had and reconciliation will begin. This is not to say that the intimate relationship can be restored, it is telling you that if you never take the risk and see where it could go, you will never know and you could miss the opportunity God gave you to meet your perfect mate.

Keep an open mind, look behind the mask, get to know the person, develop that friendship and the relationship that follows..it might lead you to your perfect companion and mate or it could bless you with a new best friend.  You never know.  The future is hidden from us.

I beg you to take a chance.  Let your mask go and let the world see the real you...Like me you might find that you aren't too different from the mask you wear.  People will see the real you, they will accept you, they will be glad they met you.

Here is an example of what I mean.  A friend of mine who I was very close to in high school read my status on Facebook left a comment.  First she asked me how do I manage to stay so positive and focused when so many things are happening with me.  She then told me that she found our yearbook from 26 years ago and that I was caring and so positive even back then...she told me that I am truly blessed and an inspiration.  See  the real me the man behind the mask is not so different from the who I truly am...the one slight difference is I don't ever let the whole world see when I am down or hurting, however, those who know me get to see those aspects that I keep hidden.  This doesn't weaken my position it actually strengthens me and proves that I am human.  But because of the persona I have adopted I never stay down for long and bounce back.

I hope to continue to be an inspiration to others, I hope to live my life as an example of how having a positive outlook and a positive attitude can and will bring more positive energy and blessing in to our daily lives.  I pray that you have patience and approach every new encounter in the spirit of love, kindness and friendship, that you can learn from what I have written.

Let me hear from you....I want to hear your thoughts on this....If this truly helps you let me know and if you think I am totally wrong I want to hear it too.

May God Keep you and Bless you....

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B