Saturday, October 6, 2012

Can a lone desire make a person change their sexual preference?

In my life I have had 2 different men tell me that they were changing their sexual preference from gay to straight and I often wonder if that is really and truly possible.  If we go back to my earlier blog entry on my thoughts on bisexuality, I would say that it is possible however I don't think it is actually probable.  I think that at some point in the future old desires and feelings are going to come back to the foreground and trouble is going to brew.  As I stated in my earlier article I feel that we all start out as bisexual and that it is our associations and the associations we form that pull us in one direction or another.  If a person has lived their life bonding and feeling closer to men, they tend to become aligned with being gay. In other words the kinship and relationships they feel most comfortable with is with men there fore they tend to be homosexual.  The reverse is also true. However, why do you think that gay men have more straight girlfriends than their heterosexual counterparts? That one is easier to explain, because men that tend to bond and form relationships with other men feel a connection to their feminine side and have a natural affinity toward females.  Females are not threatened by their gay counterparts and can form close binding friendships with gay men because they have a common interest.

So my question is this, if a gay man finds themselves wanting children and a normal life can they revert back through the years of their lifestyle and become heterosexual?  In most cases I don't actually believe that is possible.  See I believe that we are the culmination of the events and choices that we have made in our lives. I also feel that each experience that we have molds us and forms a pattern that we become used to. It maybe possible for a person to bury their true feelings and nature for a while, but in the long run the urges and itches are going to once again surface.  When that happens lives get shattered and feelings get hurt and there is a sense of betrayal on at least one of the parties concerned.  I have known older men that have lived their lives as heterosexual men that play with other men without their spouses being aware of their true nature and their desires.  I have also seen some of those men at a later age in life come clean about their sexuality and how it disrupts their families and hurts the ones they love and care about.  How do you think you would feel if you were married to someone for 20 years only to find out that they secretly had feelings for someone of the same sex and that there was nothing you could do to compete.

Now, also imagine if after 20 years you have children that are involved. How do you think they would feel finding out that one of their parents wasn't who they thought they were? Believe me their world would be turned upside down and there would be a lot of pain and confusion. Eventually as time goes on I believe that hurt would lessen and love and feelings would eventually come back.  But, realize this, the damage has been done and only time and distance will make those hurts fade.  Again my question is it actually possible for a person to go against the pattern that they have been living and totally change?  I think that maybe it could be if the desire was strong enough, and that they were never truly comfortable with the choices they have made in the past. However, I do honestly believe that we are creatures of habit and that our lives revolve in patterns, and once a pattern has been ingrained for years on end, I don't honestly believe that a conscious change will hold up and keep for the long haul.  I honestly think as I said earlier that those feelings and the old patterns will reemerge at a later point.

It is important for you to understand that you have to be totally honest with yourself and your feelings. If you have a strong desire to have a child there are ways you can accomplish that without trying to rewrite and change your whole history.  As a friend of mine is finding out, most people don't believe that he has changed and that over time he will revert back to his old ways.  Personally my feelings on this are as I stated above, I believe that under certain circumstances a change can be made, but I am not 100 percent convinced that the change will be permanent.  I am reminded of a movie I once saw where a bisexual guy dated a gay man for awhile.  The bisexual went on to marry a woman, however years later that same man came back to his old gay partner and found that what he was really looking for was there all along, that he didn't really fit in to either lifestyle and the closest he could find to what he was looking for was the gay man and his son.  In some of us the desire to have a child is so strong that we go to extremes to have one, and in the long run end up running the risk of ourselves not being happy, and having to live a lie that we are not entirely comfortable with.  I am here to tell you that there are ways around this misconception and no one has to get hurt.  The truth of the matter is like in all things in life you have to start with yourself and be completely honest with yourself and how you are feeling.  You have to look inward and truly search your heart and desires and see what it is that you really want and how comfortable you feel.

If you have always found yourself attracted to men, and have had relationships with them in the past, I am not sure you are going to be happy trying to change your sexuality just because you want to have a child or you think that it will make your family and friends happy.  What you have to do is live for yourself and make yourself happy. See I know for a fact only you have your own best interest at heart and that only you can make yourself happy all of the time, but you have to be honest with yourself and completely receptive to the feelings that you keep bottled up inside of yourself.  As I have told you in previous entries there is still a part of me that is attracted to women, however, I find that I have an easier time bonding with and associating with men. Therefore I know that I am gay.  I feel comfortable in gay relationships, however I see the attraction and acceptance one would feel if they could find themselves accepted as normal and straight in today's society. I also know the desire to have a child and I know that with my health and other conditions that it will probably never happen unless I adopt or chose someone else's child to raise as my own.

But I guess I have been hitting all around my question and I have given a wishy-washy answer. Can a person change their sexuality and live with it and not end up reverting back at some point in the future?  Honestly, I don't know for sure. I know that my first lover is married now and she knows about his past and has accepted him for it.  I know she also knows about me and the feelings that we once had for each other. I also know that he broke off all ties and communication with me years ago because he didn't think his wife would understand his communicating with an ex that he had a long term relationship with.  I can't say that I blame him for that one.  But what do I know of his exploits from that point? I can honestly say nothing.  My friend that is going through this now, is at the beginning and I am not sure what his true feelings are a this point because I haven't really had a chance to talk to him in depth about his decision and the motivations behind it.

What I do know is that no matter the outcome of either of their relationships, I am still their friend and always will be. When I tell someone I am their friend I am their friend till the end with no questions asked.  See to me it doesn't matter about your orientation or preferences, you are still the person I knew and loved and offered my hand too in friendship and nothing is going to change that.  You cannot take away all of our experiences together nor can you deny all the interactions we have experienced as friends.

So in the long run do I care if someone is gay or straight or bisexual?  No, it matters little to me.  See it is the person that I am friends with and if I am truly your friend I accept you for you, who you were when I met you and the person you are going to become.  I accept you fully, that means the good the bad and the indifferent.  See I have found that the human heart has a great capacity for love. The is no limit to the number of people we can love, our hearts are as big as our brains and if you truly accept a person and are their friend you are going to accept them unconditionally and totally.  You are going to be supportive and help them carry out their goals and plans. You are going to stand by them and offer them words of encouragement and advice on each and every situation they find themselves in.  A friendship is a type of relationship that is built as much on trust and communication as it is on love and understanding. There is a reason why you and your friends always seem to get over the fights and work through the tough times and remain friends.  That is because of love and the heart and energy you put into those friendships.

Will my friend be successful in his heterosexual journey, I am not sure or convinced at this point, but I will tell you what, it is my responsibility to support his decision and offer him the advice and guidance I can to help him reach the goal he has set for himself at this point. Whether he makes it and keeps living it, is up to him. But I will be there for him no matter the outcome.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B