Saturday, October 20, 2012

My Dearest love: ( A poem of Loss)

I honestly don't know what to feel. My heart is aching wondering what did I do to you?  Just a few months ago you said I was the one. The world so bright your moon and sun.  Now here we are, I'm lost and alone. Remembering all the words and things you had spoken.  You told me that I was going to be the very last one, that you would ever give your heart too.  You told me to look at your past and see what he had done to you.  So I did, I was there, and I remember all too well what he put your through, but here I sit and you do the same to me.  When you begged me to never do the same.  Still I am the one feeling all the pain and shame.  You asked me to love you to give you a chance. You said you could prove our love would last, but that never came to pass.

For months you told me that you cared for me. That you loved me and hadn't we been through enough.  Both of us had health issues and we needed to spend what time we had left building a life together you and I.  You told me that we need each other, life was too short to bear it alone.  Didn't you say to me that it was better to spend what time we had holding my hand then being alone?  But where are you? Where have you gone? Why can't you talk to me, what's gone wrong?

You said that you couldn't wait to see me. I bought you a ticket to come.  Even went to meet you and you weren't there.  You got angry which wasn't fair, I did it all for you! When we talked we worked it through and you promised it would all work out.  I wrote poems and stories, posted blog entries all inspired by you.  I was never lonely when I could hear your voice even though we were far apart.  The promise of us being together kept me grounded and focused.

We are meant for each other you said, you told me I taught you how to be more kind and generous.  You told me that it was because of me that you changed how you treated and cared for others. That I inspired you and made you a better man.  Gave you joy and love that birthed lyrics and song.  Oh how you missed me, to feel my touch, my lips and see my smile.  How beautiful my blue eyes were and how they shone when I looked at you.  It was those words and feelings that touched my heart and soul, that made me reconsider and announce the feelings I had for you.  Your very words, and the pictures I have of you made me happy. You encouraged me to write again, you praised the words that I have written, but they were a gift of inspiration that came from you.  You made me feel like I was wanted, loved and alive.  You made me forget the pain, the loneliness and misery of almost dying this spring.  You know how fragile life is, and how sick I have been, but you were there for me when I needed it.  Why haven't you let me be there for you when you needed me?

Your last words to me were never goodbye, what you said was that you loved me and missed me! That everything between us was alright.  You said you needed time to deal with what you were going through, but asked me to find us a place because you were coming to stay. You wanted to be here to celebrate our anniversary in November. What about all the plans we have made, the dogs, the home, the career?  Where do we go from here, I have heard nothing from you not even goodbye.

We were friends long before all else and friendship just doesn't end. A friend is a friend to the end. They stay and fight, have your back They even scream and fight, which you and I have never done.  I am standing here and telling you what's right. How I feel in my heart. Letting you know for the first time how I truly feel, because as you know me so well, how hard it is for me to let my feelings out.

It's alright you have moved on. It's okay you have chosen a different way.  Just remember what you said. Be true to yourself if nothing else. It's you who have to feel good in the end.  I put my trust in you and believed your words.  They brought me peace, joy and hope, Thank you for that at least.

Remember this i have been and always shall be your friend. Just like like when I say the words "I love you" they mean something to me. so does"friend" and I will be yours till the end.  One day I hope you will once again be able to talk to me. Look me in the eye and tell me why you had to lie.  I wasn't just another guy I have been through it all with you. I know you so well.  You were what made me complete. Now I am just a shadow of myself. No courage or strength, no confidence or care.

Your silence was just too much for me to bear. Not knowing what I had done to make you run like you have begun.  Remember this and keep it clear. I love you with all my heart and you have ripped and made it just a smudge and smear..

Goodbye my love I wish you only joy, success and happiness.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B