After a week of wondering what I have done wrong and how I can fix the situation I find myself in. I have come to realize that things are beyond my control and my understanding. I recall a conversation I had recently with the person I thought I was going to spend my life with and the words that were said. I understand the things he is going through and the disquiet in his mind. I wish he understood that what he is going through on his own isn't necessary. I have been through the same things and I know how he is feeling and how he's going to react. See he recently received some bad news about his health, and he warned me how he was going to react, how when trouble comes his way he closes down and doesn't talk to anyone. What I wish he would understand is that we are stronger together, that we can weather anything as long as we talk and that since I have been there I can help him navigate the emotions and thoughts he is having. I have reached out and attempted to talk to him, to bridge the gap that has opened between us, and keep him up to date with what I am going through here, but have had no real response.
My health isn't going like it should and the news that I have gotten from the doctors on Friday wasn't good to hear at all. I have been afraid to tell him what was said because I honestly don't want to add to his burden and have him worried about me like I am about him. Further, on Wednesday I was told by my father that I had to move from where I am staying because they need the room for Nancy's son who is coming down at the end of the month. That adds more weight on my shoulders because I am already taxed physically and emotionally at this point. Add that to the burden of my financial situation and I am being dragged under. I sit here and wonder how this is all going to play out. Time is short and my job seems to not be going in the direction I thought it was going too either. I think my boss is about to let me go because of the health issues that I have and the lack of time I can put into the work that needs to be done there.
I have found a place where I can stay through my job, but what happens if they let me go and I don't have the extra hours to support that added burden, see staying with my dad and Nancy I have only had to pay 200 dollars a month for food, now I have an extra 400 dollars that needs to come out of my pocket on top of the new car payment and car insurance that was just added over the last month. I can see where this is heading and I am scared that I am not going to be able to meet the financial needs that I have taken on with my health as flaky as it has been over the past month. On top of that the person who I love and care about is MIA right now dealing with his own issues and problems and isn't going to be here to help me navigate the waters I find myself in.
I have written blog entries recently about the curve balls that life throws at us and how we grow and learn as we navigate them. I know that life rarely turns out as we expect it. I also know that the things in life that come easy are not necessarily worth anything nor are they appreciated. It is the things that we have to work hard for that we cherish the most. I was talking with my friend Dawn on Facebook tonight and I reminded her of these exact things. By doing so it gave me pause and made me reflect on my own life and the choices I have made and the path that I have taken. See this is the first time in my life that I have questioned my own decisions and actions and that I guess is because of the fear I feel inside of me. See when I left Atlanta in February, I came home because I knew how sick I was. I had seen a flurry of doctors up there and the prognosis wasn't good. I thought I was going to have more time and honestly during the summer my health was holding it's own. Now I am not so sure and the words of all those doctors has come back to haunt me.
My friends Dawn and VJ have both assured me that my work here isn't done, that God still has more for me to do. I have been encouraged to keep writing and talking to people about my experiences and the lessons I have learned. With that type of inspiration and support I cannot give up on myself or on life. Which honestly I have contemplated over the past several weeks. I am growing weary of the battle with cancer, and my health it has been a long fight. You know 20 years of being sick and fighting for your life is hard, but like I have said in the past I don't know anything else to do but live. It is not in my nature to give up on anyone, let alone myself. I have high hopes for the future, and I have dreams that have yet to be fulfilled. So here I am instead of wallowing in self-pity and depression I am expressing myself to you my fans and friends and seeking the answers that I know are hidden within my heart and soul. See I know that God lives and dwells within each of us, that the gift of life that He has given us is precious and to be respected and valued. So here I sit searching within myself as I write in the blog. Because as I have explained to you before, I know the answers to all life's questions are too found with in ourselves. It is our birthright that was placed on us by the original sin back in the Garden of Eden. When the fruit was eaten off the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil all answers were given to Adam and Eve, it is passed down to us through heredity and all we have to do is look within and we will unlock the knowledge that is buried there.
Over the past couple of weeks I have often wondered when is it going to be my turn. When will I find someone that I can depend on? For years I have been the one that everyone in my life has depended upon, even now as I am living with my dad and Nancy they depend on me to cover some of the bills and part of the food costs. But again, I ask when is it going to be my turn, when will I have the luxury of depending on someone else, relying on them to put my needs and cares at the forefront of everything else. To take care of me when my health is waning? Still I don't have an answer to those questions. I am not sure I will ever find that in my life. Especially with the news that I learned on Friday from the doctors. I can't even talk about it in here yet because I haven't told anyone. I am hoping that the specialist I am going to see on Monday afternoon will have different answer for me and a solution to the problem that is currently facing me. I also think that I am afraid to put it out there yet, because maybe if I keep it too myself and don't speak of it, it may just go away and I won't have to deal with it. I know in my heart that it is very unlikely that will actually come to pass, but I feel I owe it to my family and loved ones to tell them what is going on first.
Just know this that my life is going to once again be forever changed when that knowledge comes out and I fear that this time it will mean that I am going to have to spend the rest of my life alone, with no one to share it with. You may think I am exaggerating but it is honestly true. If there isn't a solution to my problem, I know I will have lost everything and everyone that could ever be in my life and no one and I mean no one is ever going to want me or care for me again. I am saddened by that thought and scared because I don't want to be alone. My biggest fear has always been that I will die alone and no one will even know that I have passed and their will be no one to mourn or even remember me once I have left the face of the earth. I would ask that you keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I go through this right now. Also keep in mind that I am dealing with this on my own, my family and friends don't even know what I am facing.
I am worried about someone else I care about deeply, I have reach out and have tried to get in contact with him and I have heard nothing. I promised that I would do everything in my power to reach him and I have tried short of packing up my car and driving back to Georgia to search for him. I wonder what has happened to him and if he remembers anything that we talked about. The friendship we have built up over time and the feelings we had for one another, and I wonder why I haven't heard anything. See, I know the capacity of the human heart and I know how it can love and love hard. How it can love everyone and everything, and I fear that when I left my friend I lost him forever, and that is not something that I never wanted to happen. I love him as much as I love myself, I would die for him and do anything to make sure he is happy. I know he loves women and doesn't feel that way toward men, but there is a special connection between us, and I don't think he sees me as a sexual identity or conquest. There is much more going on between us.
Then I have another friend that is going through some scary health issues, and he is also trying to change his life, lifestyle and everything about himself. I know he is lost and feeling trapped in a situation that he doesn't have the power to change. I also know that he has finally tapped into the inner part of himself and has seen the power that is within him and he is scared and vulnerable, he doesn't know how to shield himself from the onslaught of emotions and his fears are being projected into the world and it scares him. I have asked him to consider coming here, where I can help him and guide him. Where I can help him with his health concerns because like me he is going through some really tough stuff, most of which I have already been through and dealt with. Cancer and leukemia is never a game that anyone should have to face alone. I made him a promise years ago, that I would be there for him and take care of him while he went through treatments as long as he continued to do what he needed to do to get better. Plus, over the years I have showed him the power that we all possess inside of us. The gifts of the Spirit that are bestowed upon us when we are saved and I know I can help him through his spiritual crisis that he is facing.
All of this and so much more is weighing on me this very night. I thank the Lord that I have you to talk to about these things, and though you don't know their names, I know you will keep all three of my friends in your thoughts and prayers after you have read this and I am comforted by that fact. Because I know the Lord hears all prayers and will answer them as He sees fit. I am amazed by the Grace that He gave the world when He saved us from our sins and I am thankful for the life and years I have been granted upon this earth. I give Him the praise and the glory for the lessons I have learned, and I know that it is His voice that others are hearing when they read the words that I have written. Because my words are not enough to have moved and touched so many lives. See, I was told today how powerful my writing was and how much of inspiration I am, and I have to give God the thanks and the praise for that because the words that are given are so widely received and touch so many different people that it is totally amazing. So trust me when I tell you I am only the instrument that He is using to bring understanding to the world.
I remind you that there is a dark place that resides in all of us, what we do with it is not who our teachers are but by the lessons learned. What this means is that we are taught right and wrong, good and evil and we can recognize them. Our conscious speaks to us and points out the things we know to be true, how we act upon the darkness inside of us is not by what we are taught, but by what we have experienced and learned. Right now I am travelling through my dark place, I am filled with concerns, worries, doubts and fears, yet I have learned that through faith and understanding I will survive this, that all problems are temporary and shall pass away. God has a plan for each of us, and I must remember my lessons and the things I have experienced and I must not give in to the darkness and be drawn down into it. I know that the measure of a man is not by the deeds they have accomplished, it is by the grace and dignity in which he rises from the falls he takes and each of us falls and fails to live up to expectations of ourselves and others, but it is our return that matters, nothing else. I am confident that I am not going to fall into the darkness that seems to be surrounding me because once it is exposed to the light the darkness has no place to hide. That is why I write tonight to expose the darkness that was closing in on me and by you reading this I have exposed it to the light and it will now fade away.
Thank you for going on this odyssey with me, for it is by faith alone that I have made this journey bared my soul to the world and exposed most of my trepidation to you.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,