Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Anger Management isn't about getting Angry, it is how you deal with the Anger!

There are a lot of things in my life that I should get angry about, and I do for a short period of time, but then I let it go and move on. One of the things that I have learned in my life is that Anger is an emotional response to a stimuli or irritation. Anger is a natural and safety response that the body has to rid itself of either the stimuli or the irritation.  For a short period of time anger focuses the mind perception and brings sharp relief to the problem at hand.  It needs to be dealt with quickly and efficiently, at the time of occurrence or it is a wasted emotion. Anger is not a constructive emotion it is a destructive emotion, it is basically a way to destroy or get rid of something that is bothering us.  Anger is an emotion that holds us in a state where we cannot move forward, or change until the situation is resolved. It is a wasteful emotion if it isn't put to use, channeled in a direction toward making things better.

Now when people talk about anger management they are not talking about the total elimination of anger, but the correct way in which to respond to anger and put it too use.  See, if we don't properly deal with anger, it can cause eruptions at the wrong time and place, and toward the wrong person.  Which is why in earlier entries I have said to you that holding in your feelings and emotions is harmful to yourself and those around you.  Anger is a very destructive force, and if not channeled in the appropriate direction can lead to many things such as increase stress, heart rate, headaches, hypertension and irrationality.  Anger is a the trigger that brings on irate behavior, screaming, yelling, arguments and can bring on physical confrontation.

I have an ex-boyfriend who took me home to meet his mother, which is a good thing I think because he was actually the first one to ever do so on his own free will. What is funny and entertaining about the situation is that the very first things she said to me was to sit down. She looked me straight in the eye and said too me, I have two words for you when dealing with my son, Anger management and marriage counseling.  I wish, in retrospect that I had heeded that advice and had taken her seriously, because our three and a half year relationship would have probably lasted much longer and we wouldn't have had so many fights. I also realize now that our relationship wouldn't have broken down and fell apart the way it did if we would have done as she had said.  I am happy to say that today me and him are very good friends we spent a great deal of time together over the last couple of years.  He is still someone that I think about a lot and whom I call when something happens in my life.  As a matter of fact I plan on calling him this afternoon once I have finished writing this little piece.

See the trick is not to get angry, but what you say and do while you are angry that is the key to the whole thing.  If you come at someone in a threatening manner with your voice raised, and not thinking logically, they are not going to respond well to you at all.  Further, if you remember my blog entry on "It's not what you say, but how you say it that matters" you will remember that immediately when you come at someone in a threatening manner, either physically or verbally, they also immediately go into defense mode. Once a person is in that mode, there is no rational or reasoning with that person. They don't want to hear it and they are immediately watching your every move waiting for the physical attack.  In nature mammals all react to danger in pretty much the same way. See we are primed with what has been dubbed the fight or flight mechanism. It is hardwired into our brain and nervous system.  It takes over primarily when we sense or feel a threat.  When that kicks in the body and the brain go into a hypersensitive mode where everything around us becomes extremely focused.  Time has a tendency to slow down and we can see and notice the minutest detail of the situation. We are expecting and waiting for the spring or pounce from the other person.  The mind literally is under the control of this response.  Not only is the response emotional it is also very physical as well. Literally the heart accelerates, the pulse quickens the eyes dilate and adrenaline pours into the blood stream and our muscles tighten ready to respond either in fight or flight.  This hyper-acuity and sensitivity give the victim the strength and stamina for a short burst of speed and enemy to try and escape their enemy or fight and mount an effective response/retaliation to the situation.

The reason why I am telling you this, is because I want you to totally be aware and understand that anger is a natural response, it is something that can be controlled and contained though, it can even be channeled into a more productive use if you can understand how it arises.  Hopefully making it easier to address and focus in another direction.  I know it can be done because I have seen how Sterling handles his aggression and anger now.  It is totally different from the way he used to deal with it and handle it when we were together.  As a matter of fact I can still see it when he gets angry, but I also watch and see how he processes it.  He bites the words off that initially jump to his tongue, he thinks about them consciously and rephrases them before they ever leave his mouth.  Just keep in mind that you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.  Try it sometime and I think you will be pleasantly surprised. You will get a more receptive response if you come at the situation free of your temper and anger.  People will be willing to listen to you more and be open and receptive to your words. Life is all about change, it is about growing and maturing. It is also about learning how to deal with others.  How to best get your point and opinion across is to come at someone with a smile on your face. It disarms them, they aren't expecting a fight or an attack that way.  Further, by having a smile on your face, it will be in your voice as well.

Follow me on this, have you ever been on the phone and had a really bad day?  I am sure you have several times.  Do you realize that the person on the other end of the phone line can tell by the tone of your voice what type of mood that you're in?  The answer is yes my friend they can tell when you are upset, angry and when you are in a good mood and happy.  It is betrayed by your voice and the tone that you use when addressing them. The reverse is also true, once you start to really listen to who you are talking to you can pick up signs of their mood from their voice as well.  Of course it is much easier to notice these things in person because as a person gets more upset you can see a stiffening of the muscles, the eyes twitch, the tone shifts abruptly. Body language is the most effective interpreter of another persons mood as you can find.  Learn how to read it and be very wary of the subtle shifts in stance and posture those are precursors to mood change.

The whole reason my I brought you down this path about moods, anger, anger management and temper is because, there are a lot of things that can get a person angry.  How you deal with that anger is important.  As I have been trying to tell you getting angry is a natural thing and not one that should be suppressed or buried it needs to be released or channeled in a more positive direction.  It my belief that anger management should be about changing the focus, direction and channeling that energy in a more positive and constructive manner.  I could be sitting here in anger stewing right now because I lost my job yesterday, and this morning my cell phone took a nose dive into the toilet, but I am not angry about those things.  At first I was a little worried because I have taken a big step and made a major life change and then it seems like tragedy struck.  But the truth of the matter is this.  I began thinking about my situation honestly and seriously with myself, and I came up to the simple fact that there is no immediate danger or damage done by me not having a job. I get paid on Thursday, I have $363.28 coming back to me for not staying at the hotel for the last two weeks of the month.  Plus my social security check will be here right around the corner.  It might be tight for a little while and I might have to do without furniture for some time to come, but at least I am in a situation right now where I am comfortable and I won't have to struggle.  I can work on getting furniture and other things later on.  As a matter of fact I am going to call my case manager in a few minutes and see if she has any ideas where I might be able to wrangle up some donated items.

My point to all of this is I am not bitter at my situation or angry, I will survive and move on.  This minor setback really changes nothing for me. I am still the same person, I still have accomplished the goals I had set for myself and I have done of that in a record amount of time. Now it is time to focus on the next phase and the goals I want to accomplish.  I had to take the emotion out of the equation to get to a logical focus.  I had to check my words and rephrase them so that I wasn't coming across as an angry or bitter person, and because of that I am going to get through this time and situation with minimal stress and I know that the situation will get better as time moves forward.

Please keep in mind that you have to keep your anger in check, divorce your feelings from it and come at the situation and problem logically and you will succeed.  Anytime you come at a problem full of anger and venom, I am afraid you are just going to be wasting your time and energy because you are going to put everyone else on the defensive, and your side is never going to be seen or accepted.  So change the focus of your anger and come at the situation with logic and facts and you will see a greater acceptance and reward for your efforts.  You cannot change the past situation, but you can change the variables of the situation so you don't have to go through the same things again.  Managing your anger is all about that, changing the variables so that your outcome is changed.  You can turn a negative into a positive if you try hard enough.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B