Everything travels in a spiral.
What was will come again just you wait and see.
You created this invention which we call life.
Yet when it's filled with strife.
Reinvention could be the solution can't you see
I have lived this life before
So I already know the score
I have warn this suit of life to long
Reinvention can't be done I am not that strong
I have traveled far and wide
I have left nothing to hide
I bear my soul for all to see
If I didn't you wouldn't know me.
Reinvention is convention
don't you see
it is the only way that you can really breathe
You are young enough to pull it off, all I am ready for is my pension
Laugh it off,
Shake it off,
nothing really matters,
because your just going to have to do it all over again.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Showing posts with label cycle. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cycle. Show all posts
Saturday, March 21, 2015
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Don't be a victim any more!
I posted a blog several minutes ago that is totally based on personal experience. How I have found myself confronted with friends and acquaintances that continually hit me up asking for help both financially and emotionally. What I have realized is that I am the one that has set up myself for failure in my dealings with others. Last year when I was in Atlanta, I found out that I am stuck in a pattern of behavior, a destructive spiral that has been repeating in my life for years. But each time I get hurt I am still surprised. My case manager at AID Atlanta pointed out to me that everything I have ever done is set myself up to be a victim. I started seeking professional help. Apparently my personal interrelationship skills have been severely warped because of trauma experienced in my previous long term relationship. Now, trust me when I tell you that there was some trauma, mental and physical abuse that I endured for twelve years, but I don't believe that my behavior is a product of that relationship alone. As I am very fond of telling you, we are the product of everything we have ever been through, all the people we have ever known and the decisions and choices we have made. With that being said, let me tell you that I believe some of my behavior problems come from the way my parents interacted with each other while I was growing up.
My parents were married and divorced from each other 4 times. They had terrible fights and never got along. All together my parents were together for 36 years, but I am not sure they ever knew what true love was. This pattern of behavior between my parents had affected my ability to find and nurture a successful relationship. Plus, the experiences I have had with my own long term relationships have affected my self-esteem and self-worth. Sometimes I wonder if that alone might the biggest factor in how I enter into relationships and how I react when I meet other people. See when my 12 1/2 year relationship finally came to an end, I had forgotten who I was. I somehow lost myself in the relationship, my sense of identity and fundamentally my drive and direction in life. I had also been told over and over again for 12 long years that I was fat, ugly, untalented and undesirable. I had heard it so much, that I began to believe it. Now, even though I weigh a hundred and thirty pounds I still see the fat person staring back at me from the mirror.
In order to keep myself from getting hurt, I met and dated people that I felt needed me, people who I thought I could help or rescue from themselves or the situations that they were in. I guess in some sort of way it made me feel good helping other people, that I was like a hero coming to their rescue, was helping them to better themselves. It made me feel useful and needed, and somewhere during our conversations, I would explain how others in my past had stolen from me or done me wrong. Thus giving them the ammunition and the information they needed to do exactly the same thing to me that others had done. What I did was sabotage myself and the relationship right from the beginning. Instead of protecting myself, I ended up giving away my weaknesses and vulnerability. Then I would wonder why I was hurt and used and left all over again, and why it seemed to keep happening to me. I used to think that men would see my kindness for weakness, but what was actually happening was I myself was giving others the ability to use me and take from me repeatedly.
What I am trying to tell you is that each of us follows our own pattern of behavior, and if you look hard enough and are honest with yourself you can discover yours. Once you discover the pattern and understand why you have fallen into it, you can then change it. You can break out of it and create a new pattern. My pattern started because I had the need to feel wanted, the need to be needed and useful in someone else's life. What started out as a desire to help others, to make their lives easier, to help them overcome their obstacles and work through their issues and crisis's, would end up with me getting involved with them. Some might even call that a Florence Nightengale syndrome. You want to help and be a rescuer, you get a sense of joy and fulfillment out of helping others, it makes you feel like you are useful and worthy. You then start to identify those feelings with intimacy, and you start falling for those you are trying to help. Or at least that is what I did. I would then further talk to them explain to them how hurt I have been in the past, what I was afraid of, how people had stolen from me, taken from me and used me. By doing that and confiding in these individuals, I gave them all the information and ammunition they needed to do the same thing to me. Therefore, I ended up perpetuating this behavior over and over again. So I would be a savior, hero, protector, basically Captain-Save-A-Ho. Then I would get closer to the person I was trying to help, become intimate, reveal my entire life history to them, and open myself up to be a victim, then once it happened I would then become a martyr. This was a never ending cycle.
Being a drug addict didn't help the situation at all. As a matter of fact it opened me up to scores of people that always seemed to need help. I was in a financial situation where I could help them, get them drugs and help them get off the street. I didn't realize the destructiveness of my behavior. Nor while I was on the drugs could I see what was plain to everyone around me. That my relationship building skills were severely damaged. Once I realized that I was stuck in a destructive type of behavior, I started to change my pattern, got off the drugs, got a job, reevaluated my goals and moved away from my old group of friends. On top of that I enrolled in school to better myself and start a new chapter in my life. I also started writing my blog, to help others and put some distance between myself and others. I don't want to again confuse my need to help others with intimacy. I am more guarded with my life and who and what I allow in. I stay away from the drugs and those that do them and I am much happier that way.
Honestly, if you are not happy with your life, you have to do something to change it yourself, it doesn't come with a remote control. What this means is that you have to get up off your butt and make the changes because there isn't a little box that is going to make the changes for you. You have to put some effort into making the change or it just isn't going to happen. Change takes effort, time and energy! But trust me if I can do it you can too. Don't let others intimidate you or make you feel that you owe them something. Because you know what the only person you owe anything too is yourself. You owe it to yourself to protect yourself from hurt, pain or people that want to use and abuse you. You have to put yourself first and everyone else after that. Just like in my earlier blog, you can want to help someone, but if they aren't doing something to change themselves, and they are not demonstrating that they want to change, walk away. Because you can't force someone to change themselves. They have to want it. They have to make the effort, you cannot do that for them. Also if someone is demonstrating that they are continuing in their same pattern behavior and not trying to better themselves. Move on, they are stuck on Repeat and are going to stay there till they hit rock bottom. Once they hit rock bottom they are likely to want to make the necessary changes to move on with their life.
I have a lot of friends and acquaintances that are still out there waking up every morning turning to their dealer and asking for a wake up, then in the afternoon calling back looking for a pick me up. They go from place to place, party to party, friend to friend looking for their next hit or fix. These are the people that are stuck on repeat. Not making any effort to change their behavior or situation. The friend I was talking about in my last entry who asked me to help him out, is living on the street. Staying in hotels for a couple nights at a time before going back on to the street. He hustles, sells himself to make a buck and get his drugs. I was attracted to him, wanted to help him and get him off the street. I offered to buy him a bus ticket and bring him down to stay with me. At first he wanted to stay in Atlanta to spend time with his family for his birthday. He was supposed to get back with me on dates that he would be able to come. He never did, and then last night got mad at me when he asked me for help and I told him that I didn't have the money. He also threw it in my face that I hadn't bought the bus ticket yet, therefore I was a bullshitter.
The truth of the matter is that it was him and his inconsistency that caused me not to buy the ticket to come to Florida. Further, after our conversation last night I realized that what I had done, how I had confused my desire of wanting to help him and better his situation with feelings of caring. He used that against me by telling me that he cared about me and missed me. But his words and actions tell me otherwise. This is how I came to realize that it wasn't me that he wanted. He wanted what he thought that I could do for him. To him it didn't matter who it was, he cared about what others can do for him. Further, the more we talked the more it became evident that everything that he ever told me about how he cared for me and even told me that he loved me was a lie. He doesn't want to change his life or his situation, he wants to hustle others to get what he needs. He has no problem telling them what he thinks they want to hear. This is what he did to me, and when I offered to help him get off the streets all he wanted was for me to send him money. He even tried to tell me things about the person I am dating thinking that this would separate us and make it easier for him to get what he wanted out of me. Even now as I am writing this I am once again bemoaning what has happened to me. The difference this time, I have come to realize the pattern and now I am exposing it to the world and purging it from my system by writing this. I don't want you to think that I am making myself out to be a martyr, see I know what I have done, and realize it. I am explaining it to you so that you don't get caught up like I did.
Be wary of your patterns, learn them and if they are detrimental to yourself or others change them anyway you can. Just by making a minor deviation, you can totally change your pattern altogether. I hope that you take my experience and learn from it. If you find yourself in a similar situation you need to let them go, walk away and cut your losses.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
My parents were married and divorced from each other 4 times. They had terrible fights and never got along. All together my parents were together for 36 years, but I am not sure they ever knew what true love was. This pattern of behavior between my parents had affected my ability to find and nurture a successful relationship. Plus, the experiences I have had with my own long term relationships have affected my self-esteem and self-worth. Sometimes I wonder if that alone might the biggest factor in how I enter into relationships and how I react when I meet other people. See when my 12 1/2 year relationship finally came to an end, I had forgotten who I was. I somehow lost myself in the relationship, my sense of identity and fundamentally my drive and direction in life. I had also been told over and over again for 12 long years that I was fat, ugly, untalented and undesirable. I had heard it so much, that I began to believe it. Now, even though I weigh a hundred and thirty pounds I still see the fat person staring back at me from the mirror.
In order to keep myself from getting hurt, I met and dated people that I felt needed me, people who I thought I could help or rescue from themselves or the situations that they were in. I guess in some sort of way it made me feel good helping other people, that I was like a hero coming to their rescue, was helping them to better themselves. It made me feel useful and needed, and somewhere during our conversations, I would explain how others in my past had stolen from me or done me wrong. Thus giving them the ammunition and the information they needed to do exactly the same thing to me that others had done. What I did was sabotage myself and the relationship right from the beginning. Instead of protecting myself, I ended up giving away my weaknesses and vulnerability. Then I would wonder why I was hurt and used and left all over again, and why it seemed to keep happening to me. I used to think that men would see my kindness for weakness, but what was actually happening was I myself was giving others the ability to use me and take from me repeatedly.
What I am trying to tell you is that each of us follows our own pattern of behavior, and if you look hard enough and are honest with yourself you can discover yours. Once you discover the pattern and understand why you have fallen into it, you can then change it. You can break out of it and create a new pattern. My pattern started because I had the need to feel wanted, the need to be needed and useful in someone else's life. What started out as a desire to help others, to make their lives easier, to help them overcome their obstacles and work through their issues and crisis's, would end up with me getting involved with them. Some might even call that a Florence Nightengale syndrome. You want to help and be a rescuer, you get a sense of joy and fulfillment out of helping others, it makes you feel like you are useful and worthy. You then start to identify those feelings with intimacy, and you start falling for those you are trying to help. Or at least that is what I did. I would then further talk to them explain to them how hurt I have been in the past, what I was afraid of, how people had stolen from me, taken from me and used me. By doing that and confiding in these individuals, I gave them all the information and ammunition they needed to do the same thing to me. Therefore, I ended up perpetuating this behavior over and over again. So I would be a savior, hero, protector, basically Captain-Save-A-Ho. Then I would get closer to the person I was trying to help, become intimate, reveal my entire life history to them, and open myself up to be a victim, then once it happened I would then become a martyr. This was a never ending cycle.
Being a drug addict didn't help the situation at all. As a matter of fact it opened me up to scores of people that always seemed to need help. I was in a financial situation where I could help them, get them drugs and help them get off the street. I didn't realize the destructiveness of my behavior. Nor while I was on the drugs could I see what was plain to everyone around me. That my relationship building skills were severely damaged. Once I realized that I was stuck in a destructive type of behavior, I started to change my pattern, got off the drugs, got a job, reevaluated my goals and moved away from my old group of friends. On top of that I enrolled in school to better myself and start a new chapter in my life. I also started writing my blog, to help others and put some distance between myself and others. I don't want to again confuse my need to help others with intimacy. I am more guarded with my life and who and what I allow in. I stay away from the drugs and those that do them and I am much happier that way.
Honestly, if you are not happy with your life, you have to do something to change it yourself, it doesn't come with a remote control. What this means is that you have to get up off your butt and make the changes because there isn't a little box that is going to make the changes for you. You have to put some effort into making the change or it just isn't going to happen. Change takes effort, time and energy! But trust me if I can do it you can too. Don't let others intimidate you or make you feel that you owe them something. Because you know what the only person you owe anything too is yourself. You owe it to yourself to protect yourself from hurt, pain or people that want to use and abuse you. You have to put yourself first and everyone else after that. Just like in my earlier blog, you can want to help someone, but if they aren't doing something to change themselves, and they are not demonstrating that they want to change, walk away. Because you can't force someone to change themselves. They have to want it. They have to make the effort, you cannot do that for them. Also if someone is demonstrating that they are continuing in their same pattern behavior and not trying to better themselves. Move on, they are stuck on Repeat and are going to stay there till they hit rock bottom. Once they hit rock bottom they are likely to want to make the necessary changes to move on with their life.
I have a lot of friends and acquaintances that are still out there waking up every morning turning to their dealer and asking for a wake up, then in the afternoon calling back looking for a pick me up. They go from place to place, party to party, friend to friend looking for their next hit or fix. These are the people that are stuck on repeat. Not making any effort to change their behavior or situation. The friend I was talking about in my last entry who asked me to help him out, is living on the street. Staying in hotels for a couple nights at a time before going back on to the street. He hustles, sells himself to make a buck and get his drugs. I was attracted to him, wanted to help him and get him off the street. I offered to buy him a bus ticket and bring him down to stay with me. At first he wanted to stay in Atlanta to spend time with his family for his birthday. He was supposed to get back with me on dates that he would be able to come. He never did, and then last night got mad at me when he asked me for help and I told him that I didn't have the money. He also threw it in my face that I hadn't bought the bus ticket yet, therefore I was a bullshitter.
The truth of the matter is that it was him and his inconsistency that caused me not to buy the ticket to come to Florida. Further, after our conversation last night I realized that what I had done, how I had confused my desire of wanting to help him and better his situation with feelings of caring. He used that against me by telling me that he cared about me and missed me. But his words and actions tell me otherwise. This is how I came to realize that it wasn't me that he wanted. He wanted what he thought that I could do for him. To him it didn't matter who it was, he cared about what others can do for him. Further, the more we talked the more it became evident that everything that he ever told me about how he cared for me and even told me that he loved me was a lie. He doesn't want to change his life or his situation, he wants to hustle others to get what he needs. He has no problem telling them what he thinks they want to hear. This is what he did to me, and when I offered to help him get off the streets all he wanted was for me to send him money. He even tried to tell me things about the person I am dating thinking that this would separate us and make it easier for him to get what he wanted out of me. Even now as I am writing this I am once again bemoaning what has happened to me. The difference this time, I have come to realize the pattern and now I am exposing it to the world and purging it from my system by writing this. I don't want you to think that I am making myself out to be a martyr, see I know what I have done, and realize it. I am explaining it to you so that you don't get caught up like I did.
Be wary of your patterns, learn them and if they are detrimental to yourself or others change them anyway you can. Just by making a minor deviation, you can totally change your pattern altogether. I hope that you take my experience and learn from it. If you find yourself in a similar situation you need to let them go, walk away and cut your losses.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Halloween, My Favorite Time of Year
The autumn nights are cooler and there is usually a nice breeze to accompany the All Hallow's Eve parties, loud music and kids going door to door trick-or-treating. Tonight I am looking out my window at the world passing me by and wondering what am I doing here. See, usually on Halloween I am with my best friend Jason it is his birthday. Back in Atlanta there are tons of parties to go to and of course I know everybody. To be honest this is the first Halloween in years that I haven't dressed up and done something cool with my friend. I have several other friends that have their birthday on this very night, it has been a long time since I got to spend the holiday with them. But I will never forget how I met James and his brother Jason that are born on October 31st. I had gone to Dallas to hang with another best friend that lived with me in Florida. We all got dressed up and went to this huge party and I had a blast. I fell in love with Dallas that very night and have been back a few times since then. The great thing is that after all these years I have still kept in touch with James and Jason a great pair of guys, totally opposites for twins, but really cool to hang out with. I also have another friend named Tony that lives in Atlanta and today is also his birthday. So I guess tonight you could say that I am feeling rather homesick and that I wish I was there with my friends to celebrate and have a good time.
Tonight it is cool here on Daytona Beach but there is a full moon that I am watching as I type this. I am wondering what all of my friends are up too. I wonder if they know how much I miss each one of them, and how I am thinking about them on this very night. How I am hoping and praying that whatever they are doing that they are safe and having a great time. But I also have another wish for all of my friends that I mentioned above, I hope they all find and hold on to the love that is looking desperately to find them, and that their whole year is blessed with Joy and Laughter. Life is too short for all the stress and angst the world wants to through at us. It helps to swallow the bitter with a bit of humor if you ask me. But my wish is also that they find success in their endeavors and fortune in love and be surrounded by friends and loved ones that are supportive of their choices and opinions. Each of us needs to have a network to fall back on, and we need that group to be unconditional in the support of our endeavors, our goals and will be willing to help us reach our dreams.
Halloween is symbolic of many things. They say that the veil between the world's thin and that it is a night that the dead can come back to life, or commune with the living. But it also the end of a season and heralds a time of renewing and rebirth. See it is the autumn that is the time when life has shut down and it goes dormant for a period, regains strength and purpose, so that when spring returns it can burst forth with fresh growth and new life. It is a time of renewal and regeneration. To let go of the past and move forward. Of course it is also a night that kids around the world get to go out in costume and get candy. But it is time for winding down in the world. Even in Corporate and State business it is a time of winding down. Budgets are coming to a close and executives are diligently trying to get the new years budgets done and submitted for approval. It is also the coming of the holidays, for the next several months there are many holidays Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. So even the mighty corporations and conglomerates are showing signs of slowing down. Funny how we humans mimic the cycles of nature and follow the rest and hibernating cycles of the earth.
But the reason why it is my favorite holiday and time of year is because it is a juxtaposition, summer has begun to leave us, and autumn hasn't fully gotten it's hold on the world yet, the leaves are exploding in vibrant colors and are still on the trees, and the colder temperatures haven't exactly crept upon us and robbed us of the warmth. The days are still warm and the nights cool, and it is a time of festivity and revelry. It is time when we can get out and dress up and be something that we normally aren't. It is a time when we can actually be 100 percent honest to the true self that resides in each of us. With our masks on and costumes we can cut up and be the carefree spirits we were meant to be. Instead of the dull suits that work in the office Monday thru Friday, or the school teach stuck in a classroom 9 hours a day, or the bus driver that doesn't say a word unless spoken too or incident occurs. It is a time when we can reach out an explore the side of ourselves that we keep repressed and hidden from the world to see. It is also a time of celebration and gathering with friends to have parties and spend some time with others.
So what are you doing this very Halloween Night? I know that I am sitting here writing to you, because unfortunately as I stated above, I am home sick, lonely and on top of that I am really not feeling all that well. But my well wishes go out to my friends and the ones I love whose very special day it is and who I am unable to spend my time with. I hope that they are all safe and having a great night. I do know that at least one of them is at home celebrating alone...So from my heart to yours..enjoy that glass of wine and know that I was thinking about you and sending you my warmest wishes and best hopes.
I love everyone of you guys...I love you my readers and friends and I hope that you begin to enjoy Halloween like I have for the past 20 years. Get out there and experience life. Because the cycle of hibernation and rest is about to befall you...it is the last fun time you have before the drudgery of the holidays and endless lines of bickering people in the stores. Take the time now, because you aren't going to get it later.
Happy Halloween to All! Happy Birthday James, Jason, Jason (Sa'corey), and Tony! Have a great night and a glorious rest of the week and a most Excellent year!
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Tonight it is cool here on Daytona Beach but there is a full moon that I am watching as I type this. I am wondering what all of my friends are up too. I wonder if they know how much I miss each one of them, and how I am thinking about them on this very night. How I am hoping and praying that whatever they are doing that they are safe and having a great time. But I also have another wish for all of my friends that I mentioned above, I hope they all find and hold on to the love that is looking desperately to find them, and that their whole year is blessed with Joy and Laughter. Life is too short for all the stress and angst the world wants to through at us. It helps to swallow the bitter with a bit of humor if you ask me. But my wish is also that they find success in their endeavors and fortune in love and be surrounded by friends and loved ones that are supportive of their choices and opinions. Each of us needs to have a network to fall back on, and we need that group to be unconditional in the support of our endeavors, our goals and will be willing to help us reach our dreams.
Halloween is symbolic of many things. They say that the veil between the world's thin and that it is a night that the dead can come back to life, or commune with the living. But it also the end of a season and heralds a time of renewing and rebirth. See it is the autumn that is the time when life has shut down and it goes dormant for a period, regains strength and purpose, so that when spring returns it can burst forth with fresh growth and new life. It is a time of renewal and regeneration. To let go of the past and move forward. Of course it is also a night that kids around the world get to go out in costume and get candy. But it is time for winding down in the world. Even in Corporate and State business it is a time of winding down. Budgets are coming to a close and executives are diligently trying to get the new years budgets done and submitted for approval. It is also the coming of the holidays, for the next several months there are many holidays Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. So even the mighty corporations and conglomerates are showing signs of slowing down. Funny how we humans mimic the cycles of nature and follow the rest and hibernating cycles of the earth.
But the reason why it is my favorite holiday and time of year is because it is a juxtaposition, summer has begun to leave us, and autumn hasn't fully gotten it's hold on the world yet, the leaves are exploding in vibrant colors and are still on the trees, and the colder temperatures haven't exactly crept upon us and robbed us of the warmth. The days are still warm and the nights cool, and it is a time of festivity and revelry. It is time when we can get out and dress up and be something that we normally aren't. It is a time when we can actually be 100 percent honest to the true self that resides in each of us. With our masks on and costumes we can cut up and be the carefree spirits we were meant to be. Instead of the dull suits that work in the office Monday thru Friday, or the school teach stuck in a classroom 9 hours a day, or the bus driver that doesn't say a word unless spoken too or incident occurs. It is a time when we can reach out an explore the side of ourselves that we keep repressed and hidden from the world to see. It is also a time of celebration and gathering with friends to have parties and spend some time with others.
So what are you doing this very Halloween Night? I know that I am sitting here writing to you, because unfortunately as I stated above, I am home sick, lonely and on top of that I am really not feeling all that well. But my well wishes go out to my friends and the ones I love whose very special day it is and who I am unable to spend my time with. I hope that they are all safe and having a great night. I do know that at least one of them is at home celebrating alone...So from my heart to yours..enjoy that glass of wine and know that I was thinking about you and sending you my warmest wishes and best hopes.
I love everyone of you guys...I love you my readers and friends and I hope that you begin to enjoy Halloween like I have for the past 20 years. Get out there and experience life. Because the cycle of hibernation and rest is about to befall you...it is the last fun time you have before the drudgery of the holidays and endless lines of bickering people in the stores. Take the time now, because you aren't going to get it later.
Happy Halloween to All! Happy Birthday James, Jason, Jason (Sa'corey), and Tony! Have a great night and a glorious rest of the week and a most Excellent year!
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
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