A friend of mine called me tonight and we talked for quite awhile and during the conversation something was said about my ex saying something about me to his ex. Now you know how things go, especially in the gay community with the "He said, She said bullshit" and I should probably blow this off. However, what was said touched a raw nerve in me and the words cut into me very deeply. Now, I have been trying to work things out between my ex and I , and I know that this thing that was said was done while we were not together, but it totally wasn't true, and if my ex really cared about me and knew my history he would never have made such a statement. Cher said it best "Words are like weapons they wound sometimes!" and that is a true statement.
When you are wounded by words, your faith is shaken, your trust in people is warped and you feel altogether vulnerable. Even if you defend yourself against what was said there are going to be some people that are going to give credence to what has been said about you because of your objections. See, I learned from a really smart woman that if you disagree, you give credence to the allocations against you. In her last interview Jacqueline Kennedy Onasis was asked about all the biographies that have been written about her, and the apparent discrepancies about her life. Her reply was this "Why should I defend myself, I was there and only I know what truly happened, and if I voiced out and disagreed with them, some of the people would think that I had something to hide and defend upon, but if I keep quiet only those who were with me and I alone will know the truth and that is enough for me."
Very wise words from a very wise woman, see given her experiences and suffering that she went through she realized that by denying and putting up a defense against what was leveled at her and her life would just make people have a doubt about her. But, by keeping quiet she took her secrets to her grave and the truth of her life unvarnished in the eyes of the public. It is my hope that I can be as strong and wise as her. Because you see words can cut, slice, shred and tear at ones heart and soul, and even time and distance only causes the hurt to scab over. At sometime in the future a word or series of words will bust that wound wide open again.
Some of the time words that are said are said as weapons, filled with anger and hurt themselves and I think that is what gives them the power. At other times, even a casual word between two friends can be taken the wrong way and cause pain. Yet, another way is when something is told to another person behind your back and it was never intended to get back to you. Either the person making the statement never thought you would hear it or they were trying to impress someone else at your expense, or worse yet, they were using you to manipulate a certain situation to gain favor. Whatever the case may be the truth of the matter is that words do hurt and wound not only the heart, but the mind, body and soul as well. Word can be cruel and bitter, they can do a great deal of damage, but the reverse is also true, a well timed kind word can build another person up and make them feel so good about themselves.
Please think about the words you carelessly throw out, because words have power and can be used to destroy or fortify a person depending on the way they are used. Take into account the source of the where they are coming from, and whether they are said out of anger or of love. As I pointed out earlier if the words are full of anger and hurt, they are going to wound you deepest, but you must remember that they were said in the heat of the moment, and when things calm down they may be quickly taken back by the person who said them. However, you must keep in mind that you may have said some things in return that were just as spiteful and hurtful as they said to you, and "I'm Sorry" only goes so far, and if used too many times, has no power at all.
If we repeatedly endure the same types of words, filled with anger, hate, and spite, telling someone you are sorry afterward, the person is going to stop accepting them, stop believing them, and become immune to them. If you are truly sorry after everything has been said and done, and you have learned something about yourself and truly are sorry and seeking forgiveness, you are going to have to show them you are sorry, you are going to have to prove to them that you have changed and that you aren't going to abuse them with your words anymore. This is a long, long process, and as I said before may never fully heal. Now everyone fights, and gets angry, they lash out and say things they don't mean in the heat of a fight or argument, and that was what I was talking about when I said that you have to take into account where those words are stemming from, you have to remember the situation, because both of you may both regret the things that were said and the healing process will be that much quicker and smoother if that is the case. But, no matter if what you are not the only victim here, in a battle of words and wit neither of you are the winner, you are both the looser's, and the victims, because both of you have said things and done things to hurt one another. The only way to reconcile is if you both are sorry and regretful of what was said.
Don't casually throw the word I am sorry around, because the more you use it the harder it is to convince others of their sincerity. You may end up causing more damage with a half-hearted apology, and might never be able to reconcile things with them again. When you care about someone and you have heard that they are talking about you behind your back, spreading lies, rumors or whatever the case maybe, again I ask you to consider the source, and if that person is reliable, you should go directly to the person that supposedly said the things about you, confront them, but come at them in a caring and concerned manner. Don't come in hostile and upset because you are only going to isolate and alienate them and automatically they are going to be on the defensive. Take the time to cool down, let the hurt subside a little and bring it up in casual conversation at some later date, when you know your temper isn't going to flare. If you come across this way you most likely will avoid causing a fight and making the situation worse. No one ever likes to hear that someone has been talking about them, and that they things being said are totally untrue and fabricated. They hurt, and you are wounded and you want to find out right away why they have said what they have, but trust me if you take the time to think about what was said and divorce your emotions from it, you can come at it without causing a fight and hurting each other more.
I started writing this because I heard from my friend that my Ex-boyfriend told his boyfriend that I had intentionally tried to give them Hepatitis C. Now, I had called my ex, to tell him that I was diagnosed with the virus because we had been having sex for several months together and I was concerned I might have passed it on to him. Now, I haven't been sleeping with my friend or his ex so there was no way I could have given it to them. So what could have possibly made my ex tell his ex that stuff, and then it dawned on me that either he thought that I may have given him a tainted needle or shared one with them, or worse yet, that my ex had been sleeping with his ex and that could have passed it on. However, after starting to write this entry, I started thinking about the situation more closely and I figured out what the problem was and which of the two scenarios mentioned above it could have possibly have been. Now, mind you I had tried to call my ex and talk to him, and sent him an email asking him to contact me because I was told something that needed to be cleared up. But, now that I have been writing this and my emotions over the situation are gone and I know why what was said was. It all makes sense and I am going to spell it out for you here. I have no shame and nothing to hide, so forgive me as I tell what I do know and why I was slandered in the way that I was. Sometimes a person will say something to someone else in an attempt to save face, and cast blame on another person to throw off suspicion. I honestly believe this is what was attempted here.
Mark which is my friend Gavin's ex, and Bobby which is my ex have been partying together, and apparently have had sex. Even though both Greg and I have been told that it never happened, but the stories don't add up, and at this point it doesn't matter because we were all single at the time, however both Greg and I were trying to get back together with Mark and Bobby, so I am not sure how this revelation is going to affect Gavin and Mark, but I am going to let this go. I love Bobby and I want to spend my time with him and I want to get to know the real Bobby, so in order to do that I am going to have to chalk this little rumor up to the game and then rest it. Because it isn't worth me getting worked up about or ruining any chance I may have of working things out with Bobby. See anyone who knows me at all would know that I would never intentionally give anyone anything, because that is one of my biggest fears and concerns. Further, I would never intentionally share a syringe with anyone trying to make them ill. I would sterilize it and clean it if there were no other options, as I have always done, I used to clean and sterilize my own before use because of what happened too me.
So now, that I opened the can of worms I am going to explain to you how I know what I know and figured out this little situation. First, let me continue with my story, in the July of 2006 I had a birthday party for a friend and it was the first time I had ever slammed. Which means shoot up meth. I had always been against trying it because I was afraid of needles, but once I experienced it, and the difference in the high and the length of time it lasted, it quickly became the preferred way for me to do the drug. However in that first time was the mistake, because the syringes used between me and partner at the time were switched and I was given HIV, and it was done intentionally by another person. So you see me doing that to someone else would be out of the question. Anyhow, after Gavin and I got off the phone last night I realized that just a couple of months ago, shortly after the time I found out that I had Hep C and had told Bobby that I had it, he confided in me that he had syphilis, and recently I found out that Mark had given Gavin syphilis around the same time period, and I was on the phone with Bobby when he was going over to hang with Mark and party, they were supposed to call me back but I didn't hear from Bobby for a couple of days. Putting the time line together after talking with Gavin made me realize that Bobby and Mark had been having sex and that is how Bobby got syphilis. It also dawned on me that Bobby might have been afraid of giving Mark Hep C so told him that I may have given them tainted needles. Now I am sure Mark doesn't think that because Mark knows my history and my fears about that, he also lived with me and knows how meticulous I am with syringes and how they have to be cleaned and bleached even when I am just throwing them away, and how they have to be put in a container so no one can get stuck accidentally and so forth. But, for it to come to Gavin like that really hurt me.
Now I have told you that I am going to let this go and that I am not going to pursue this any further then this blog entry, and I intend to stick with that. But, I hope you can see how casually throwing around words can hurt someone, and if what Bobby had said was to anyone else, who didn't know my history, wasn't my friend, you can see how differently this could have gone and how dangerous the words were. I was hurting last night, and like I said feeling betrayed and devastated, but now that I have had time to think about things and figure out some of the lies that have been told to me. I realize that a secret was trying to be buried at my expense. I am not sure if Bobby and I will ever get back together there are other circumstances that are standing in the way, if it doesn't happen it will not be for the lack of me trying and won't be because of this questionable act.
I know that words hurt, they have power, and now you should too. Be careful what you say, how you say it, and mind the tone and manner in which it is said. All of these variable make a kind word into a damaging one. Remember the pain a word can cause is as real as a knife wound, and they may never actually heal properly, but they can be gotten past. Don't let your hurt and pride make you lash out on someone, divorce your feelings from the situation and come at it from a different angle so that it is non-threatening. Above all else be mindful of how and how often you use the words "I am Sorry" because as I have said they become meaningless the more they are used. Learn how to forgive, never forget, and move on. You will be that much happier in the long run when you can do that.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Showing posts with label trauma. Show all posts
Showing posts with label trauma. Show all posts
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Tragedy in 3 acts makes for an inspirational person
I have been told that my life has been full of blessings and that I am a true inspiration. I agree that I live a very blessed life, but it is because there are hundreds of people keeping me in their thoughts and prayers. I have been approached recently to write a book about my story, and since you are my friends and family, I thought I would share with you what it is going to be about. Now, keep in mind that this is just a taste of what the book is going to contain, so be patient and understanding that you are getting a condensed version and be honored you are getting the first peak.
The title of this entry says it all I have broken my life down into 3 acts or parts, it is from each of these tragedies and triumphs that have shaped and molded me and my outlook on things. It is important I guess to start at the beginning and work my way through each portion of my life and key events that make up the story and the act. So without any more delay we shall begin.
I was born on December 1, 1968 I was a month earlier so I have been told, my mother never made it to the maternity ward before I decided enough was enough and came bursting forth. The delivery started in the elevator on the way to the delivery room. I had started to come fast so they rushed my mom into delivery choosing not to have me drop out on the elevator floor. Unfortunately, the doctor used forceps to deliver me, even though earlier in the year they had been banned as delivery tools. As I said I was in a hurry to go no where, the forceps were used and my skull was fractured. I made no sound when I came into the world and I was blue from head to toe. I am told that my mother never got to see me, I was taken directly to an incubator, and was deemed in critical condition. I was never meant to leave that hospital, but God had other plans. Plans that are still unfolding in my life today.
My parents were told that I was under weight and with the fractured skull I was going to be a vegetable and if by some miracle I wasn't I was going to have severe brain damage and would never be a normal kid. Surprise surprise, God had other plans, because here I a 43 years later writing to you. I shouldn't be able to walk or talk, let alone write and communicate like I do. But God works in mysterious ways and I am here to tell you my story. By the age of five it had become evident that there were no impairments and that I was highly intelligent if a little hyperactive. End of act one!
The second tragedy came when I was 14 years old, I was experiencing severe headaches, blurred vision and having trouble focusing on objects. The doctors told my parents that the muscles that surround the lenses of my eyes were weak and that was causing the vision issues I was having. But that wasn't the end of it. While I was at school playing with some friends I got poked in the eye with a tree branch. Again the doctors were full of doom and gloom and by the age of 18 I was supposed to be totally blind. They covered my right eye with a patch to protect it put me in bifocal glasses and told my parents to hope for the best. Blood filled the injured eye and started showing around the socket of the left eye. So for a period of 4 months I was patched on both eyes and wasn't able to see anything. A neat thing about the body is that it compensates for stuff like that and my hearing became very sensitive and acute I can here a whisper all away across the house. I also learned how to sit in a crowd and listen to everyone's conversations and never move and could identify just by sound who was talking and somehow my mind has developed the ability to process each conversation and follow along all in real time. By the time I was 16 a miracle of miracles happened, my headaches started to subside and it was discovered that the cause of them was never my eye site which improved after the injury to the point I no longer had to wear bifocals just regular glasses. Yet somehow my hearing never returned to normal. I still can hear the lightest sounds. It turns out that the headaches were a direct result of the fractured skull and when the barometric pressure changes the headaches begin. Unfortunately, I still suffer from that today. But I got super hearing out of the deal. End of act two!
I was diagnosed with leukemia and large cell lymphoma when I turned 24 ('92), they found a metastasized tumor in my colon 8" long x 5" wide. It had serrated edges and had ulcerated in the middle. I underwent 2 years of chemotherapy and radiation and the tumor was eradicated. However, during my last round of radiation, the bowel wall perforated and waste and radiation poured into my pelvic area. I got really sick with toxaplasmosis and stayed in the hospital for almost 9 months trying to get better. It wasn't until 13 years later ('05) that I would find out what that radiation was doing to my body. Apparently large sections of my colon died from radiation disease and poisoning and there were several small sections of the small intestine affected as well. In 2005, I was given a colostomy, a bag that helps me to take a dump, sorry for being so graphic. I have had 9 major surgeries since then, found out that my kidney's were failing, that I had contracted HIV an HEP C, that my gallbladder, bladder, pancreas and stomach were all affected by the radiation and that they are slowly giving out. Then on March 5th of this year my colon ruptured in 2 places and I almost died again. When this happened I couldn't get anyone to listen to me, they kept telling me that the pain I was feeling was from the procedure I had done in the morning. Now in my life I have had a million colonoscopy's if I have had one. So I knew that they were wrong in what they were saying. Finally a nurse that no one seems to know who has never worked on that floor and has never been seen again, intervened with the doctor and got a cat scan of my abdomen and the ruptures were discovered. I have tried to find this woman again, I wanted to nominate her for the angel service award they give at the hospital and no one knows who she was.
I believe that God has walked with me through all this, he has carried me when I was too weak to move, and He delivered me from the hands of death just when it looked like I was going to die. After everything that I have been through and there is so much more that I haven't told you. I hope you can begin to see why I don't let the small things get to me, and I always try to look at the bright side of things. Because life is too short, we are not promised a new tomorrow and we need to be thankful for each day that we can draw another breathe. I don't think I am all that inspirational, but I have been told that my strength and faith that keep me fighting are remarkable and inspire others to have hope and faith that they too can make it through the tough, hard and tragic times of their own lives.
I hope that maybe I have inspired just one person, have given hope to one person, and always can live my life as an example that you can overcome illness. That there is life after, HIV and cancer and you can still be a productive and supportive person and help others.
Let me know what you think. This is my real story, and I would love to know if you think that I should take up the offer to write a book about my experiences and if you think anyone will benefit from it.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
The title of this entry says it all I have broken my life down into 3 acts or parts, it is from each of these tragedies and triumphs that have shaped and molded me and my outlook on things. It is important I guess to start at the beginning and work my way through each portion of my life and key events that make up the story and the act. So without any more delay we shall begin.
I was born on December 1, 1968 I was a month earlier so I have been told, my mother never made it to the maternity ward before I decided enough was enough and came bursting forth. The delivery started in the elevator on the way to the delivery room. I had started to come fast so they rushed my mom into delivery choosing not to have me drop out on the elevator floor. Unfortunately, the doctor used forceps to deliver me, even though earlier in the year they had been banned as delivery tools. As I said I was in a hurry to go no where, the forceps were used and my skull was fractured. I made no sound when I came into the world and I was blue from head to toe. I am told that my mother never got to see me, I was taken directly to an incubator, and was deemed in critical condition. I was never meant to leave that hospital, but God had other plans. Plans that are still unfolding in my life today.
My parents were told that I was under weight and with the fractured skull I was going to be a vegetable and if by some miracle I wasn't I was going to have severe brain damage and would never be a normal kid. Surprise surprise, God had other plans, because here I a 43 years later writing to you. I shouldn't be able to walk or talk, let alone write and communicate like I do. But God works in mysterious ways and I am here to tell you my story. By the age of five it had become evident that there were no impairments and that I was highly intelligent if a little hyperactive. End of act one!
The second tragedy came when I was 14 years old, I was experiencing severe headaches, blurred vision and having trouble focusing on objects. The doctors told my parents that the muscles that surround the lenses of my eyes were weak and that was causing the vision issues I was having. But that wasn't the end of it. While I was at school playing with some friends I got poked in the eye with a tree branch. Again the doctors were full of doom and gloom and by the age of 18 I was supposed to be totally blind. They covered my right eye with a patch to protect it put me in bifocal glasses and told my parents to hope for the best. Blood filled the injured eye and started showing around the socket of the left eye. So for a period of 4 months I was patched on both eyes and wasn't able to see anything. A neat thing about the body is that it compensates for stuff like that and my hearing became very sensitive and acute I can here a whisper all away across the house. I also learned how to sit in a crowd and listen to everyone's conversations and never move and could identify just by sound who was talking and somehow my mind has developed the ability to process each conversation and follow along all in real time. By the time I was 16 a miracle of miracles happened, my headaches started to subside and it was discovered that the cause of them was never my eye site which improved after the injury to the point I no longer had to wear bifocals just regular glasses. Yet somehow my hearing never returned to normal. I still can hear the lightest sounds. It turns out that the headaches were a direct result of the fractured skull and when the barometric pressure changes the headaches begin. Unfortunately, I still suffer from that today. But I got super hearing out of the deal. End of act two!
I was diagnosed with leukemia and large cell lymphoma when I turned 24 ('92), they found a metastasized tumor in my colon 8" long x 5" wide. It had serrated edges and had ulcerated in the middle. I underwent 2 years of chemotherapy and radiation and the tumor was eradicated. However, during my last round of radiation, the bowel wall perforated and waste and radiation poured into my pelvic area. I got really sick with toxaplasmosis and stayed in the hospital for almost 9 months trying to get better. It wasn't until 13 years later ('05) that I would find out what that radiation was doing to my body. Apparently large sections of my colon died from radiation disease and poisoning and there were several small sections of the small intestine affected as well. In 2005, I was given a colostomy, a bag that helps me to take a dump, sorry for being so graphic. I have had 9 major surgeries since then, found out that my kidney's were failing, that I had contracted HIV an HEP C, that my gallbladder, bladder, pancreas and stomach were all affected by the radiation and that they are slowly giving out. Then on March 5th of this year my colon ruptured in 2 places and I almost died again. When this happened I couldn't get anyone to listen to me, they kept telling me that the pain I was feeling was from the procedure I had done in the morning. Now in my life I have had a million colonoscopy's if I have had one. So I knew that they were wrong in what they were saying. Finally a nurse that no one seems to know who has never worked on that floor and has never been seen again, intervened with the doctor and got a cat scan of my abdomen and the ruptures were discovered. I have tried to find this woman again, I wanted to nominate her for the angel service award they give at the hospital and no one knows who she was.
I believe that God has walked with me through all this, he has carried me when I was too weak to move, and He delivered me from the hands of death just when it looked like I was going to die. After everything that I have been through and there is so much more that I haven't told you. I hope you can begin to see why I don't let the small things get to me, and I always try to look at the bright side of things. Because life is too short, we are not promised a new tomorrow and we need to be thankful for each day that we can draw another breathe. I don't think I am all that inspirational, but I have been told that my strength and faith that keep me fighting are remarkable and inspire others to have hope and faith that they too can make it through the tough, hard and tragic times of their own lives.
I hope that maybe I have inspired just one person, have given hope to one person, and always can live my life as an example that you can overcome illness. That there is life after, HIV and cancer and you can still be a productive and supportive person and help others.
Let me know what you think. This is my real story, and I would love to know if you think that I should take up the offer to write a book about my experiences and if you think anyone will benefit from it.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Monday, July 23, 2012
Can you actually change who you really are?
I was watching the second episode of Perception, a new series on TNT, this afternoon and the question was posed at the end of the program. "Can you actually change who you really are?" Now in the past we talked about the masks we where, and how we use them to shield and protect us from emotional hurt. These masks are what the world around us see's and perceives us to be. When we talked about them, I explored that a person doesn't actually change, they way we see them and interact with them does, as we relax and drop our masks. But the bigger question to me is can a person really change? Does the core value system of a person adapt and change over time? Two very separate questions and two different answers. But I honestly believe that change comes through our experience. But our core value system remains the same through-out our life time.
In all honesty, unless something major happens in a person's life there is very little change from the person they were in let's say high school and college. No matter what occupation, how many partners and how many times they move around. A person pretty much doesn't change. Change comes from the result of an action, accident or injury. A tragedy of some sort or trauma, that causes someone to reinvent themselves or to accommodate something. Change is driven by an outside force in almost all cases. Using myself as case in point, it took serious illness to motivate me to change my life, lifestyle, habits and of course how I looked at myself.
Not all change is for the better. Over the past twelve years I have changed a lot, grown a lot, and in some small ways matured a little. I can tell you that the first changes were not for the better, as a matter of fact they were driven by a deep abiding depression that lasted for years. Out of that depression came a self-crisis, loss of identity, direction, and ultimately a certain pattern for self-destruction, and that was to last for almost seven years. Only till more tragedy piled on top of what I was already facing, forced me to turn my gaze inside and do some really deep introspection. Change became necessary to accommodate physical limitations and damage done to my body. The specter of dying motivated me to seek answers and become more philosophical, spiritual and ultimately turn my life in a totally new direction.
Trauma, injury, illness are great motivators, they can be major or minor, but unless you experience one of them, I personally don't think that you can possibly change yourself. You aren't forced to reconcile yourself with the problems, you can avoid them, bury them and remain the same. However, when tragedy or one of the others strikes you and those you care about, change is forced upon you. You have to adapt to the new situation, you have to maybe compromise and look deep within yourself. You have to be brutally honest with yourself and those around you. You have to be looking to change and understand what motivates your wanting to change.
However, no matter how much you change aspects of your life, I believe that your core ideal stay the same. You are still going to be the loving, kind person that you were, looking to help others, like me. Or you are going to still be selfish, unfeeling, vindictive, but that might be the very aspect you want to change because your tragedy or trauma has pointed you to those exact flaws. It took me a while to understand and comprehend, a person cannot want to change and just do it. There has to be a driving force or action that has caused them to change.
A person who abuses women, hits them, looses his temper quickly and is violent. Is not going to feel remorse all of sudden for the actions that he has committed. What he does to one he will continue to do to others. Now if the same person found out that he was dying and had only a few months to live, the story might be different. He might realize that he doesn't want to be alone and fight by himself, that he needs others to support him and help him through his illness. Thus an impetus for change. Just like with a habit or an addiction, you might want to at times give up that which is holding you down, like a habit, but unless something moves you out of the situation you are in, I don't believe you yourself is going to be able to get out of the track you are in. No matter what your intentions, the habit has got you and is keeping you held in place. Even if you meet someone that cares for you and wants to help you get out of the situation you are in. Unless, you are willing to make the change and do something about it and seek help. That person is going to be powerless to help you and might even get hurt in the process of trying to help you out.
Now, lets take a person who has a serious drug habit, and develops a terminal illness because of that drug, would that person be able to change. No! they won't, they may even end up doing more because the drug helps them escape reality, avoid facing and confronting the issue of being ill. However, if the person is wanting to get off the drug, and finds out that they are terminally ill, they may be motivated to make the necessary steps to actually change. In my experience, I used to rationalize to myself that I was doing drugs to help with the pain. I used to say I was doing so I could enjoy having sex and a whole myriad of excuses. The truth was just that they were excuses and the drug was my crutch to help me keep from facing the facts that I was sick and that nothing was going to change my fate.
I will also admit that while I was on drugs, I still tried to help people, and myself, but usually I just made things worse for everyone involved. Because I didn't realize that my attempts to help were only reinforcing their need to use, just like me. I was actually enabling them. I wasn't helping them. It took a lot of prayer and wanting to change to get me out of the situations I had put myself into. I had to make major changes in both my mental outlook as well as my physical location, and I had to realize that by doing the drugs, I was helping my body to surrender to the illness, and I was actually killing myself. It also took another friend to point out to me that I was floating along listless without a sense of self or direction and that it wasn't like me.
As I am reading over this and forcing myself to look at the complexities of the situation I realize that I couldn't have changed if I hadn't realized there was a problem. I wouldn't have stopped doing what I was doing if I hadn't found out that I was going to die. So maybe the answer is when you hit the bottom and have nowhere else to turn, and you start looking at yourself and really become honest with yourself, that you can become motivated to change. Trust me it is hard and scary and most likely you are going to be on your own and alone when this happens, because everyone around you is going to be gone. You have either driven them away with your drug use or abuse, or you have isolated yourself off from everyone, or you have just fallen to the bottom and are clawing and scratching your way back up.
I believe that if you are honest and serious with yourself and you have come to your crossroad, either through tragedy, loss, trauma, or illness you can make the changes you need to escape and ultimately change everything about yourself. I also believe that the culmination of these events and things will help you re-evaluate your core value system and if properly motivated that too can change. They say an old dog can't learn new tricks, but given the right motivation, and inspiration, and lots of support and patience I believe it can. Just like I believe that each of us change and adapt to the situations we find ourselves in. Remember I keep telling over and over again that we are the sum of our experiences, tragedies, triumphs, and choices, decisions and the consequences of every action we take. If that is the case, then our person, personality and persona has to change and adapt each time. These are surface changes and they last and stay with us for awhile, but eventually we revert back to the way we were. It is only through immense emotional, physical trauma, or pain that we truly change.
Honestly, if you change for any other reason than because you had too. You are going to revert. See I had to change what I was doing, or I was going to die. I now have a fighting chance because I have made the changes. But while I was at it, I identified areas that needed improvement and work, and I set out to make those changes too. I decided that I was going for a whole person make over. I am still the loving, gentle, warm person who wants to help everyone, but I also saw how letting people walk on me and use me, manipulate me and ply me with drugs caused me to stay down. So, I decided to come clean and when I did, I found that by admitting and being honest with myself and you and everyone who knows me, that I was free. I also realized that I needed to look out for myself and take care of myself, and that if I didn't do these things no one else would.
I made a change for the better, I have readjusted my focus, and changed my perspective, and I honestly see and react to things much differently now then I did in my past. I have grown and I have matured yes. I have looked for the things that are harder to see, because I want to understand them and comprehend them. But I also changed how I think about things, I use PMA (positive mental attitude) to look at all things, and I put it on every morning. It is just a process of psyching oneself out and making a game out of finding the positive in all things.
I hope this finally makes sense to you. I know that it might be hard to follow my train of though because I jump from thought to thought and it seems like I might be contradicting myself. But I am not. I don't think a person really changes unless they are forced to by outside forces. I also believe that the core value of a person, essentially stays the same no matter how a person changes. Again, I think that outside forces and consequences can make a person totally change. So bottom line is this, no matter how much you try to change your core pulls you back to what you were. Unless you hit rock bottom, or are affected by a tragedy, trauma, or illness of some sort. When you come to the crossroad you will know and you will make the appropriate changes and adapt to the situation accordingly.
I would like to hear your thoughts and opinions about this subject. Feel free to drop me a line, post a comment, or even reach me on facebook or twitter.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
In all honesty, unless something major happens in a person's life there is very little change from the person they were in let's say high school and college. No matter what occupation, how many partners and how many times they move around. A person pretty much doesn't change. Change comes from the result of an action, accident or injury. A tragedy of some sort or trauma, that causes someone to reinvent themselves or to accommodate something. Change is driven by an outside force in almost all cases. Using myself as case in point, it took serious illness to motivate me to change my life, lifestyle, habits and of course how I looked at myself.
Not all change is for the better. Over the past twelve years I have changed a lot, grown a lot, and in some small ways matured a little. I can tell you that the first changes were not for the better, as a matter of fact they were driven by a deep abiding depression that lasted for years. Out of that depression came a self-crisis, loss of identity, direction, and ultimately a certain pattern for self-destruction, and that was to last for almost seven years. Only till more tragedy piled on top of what I was already facing, forced me to turn my gaze inside and do some really deep introspection. Change became necessary to accommodate physical limitations and damage done to my body. The specter of dying motivated me to seek answers and become more philosophical, spiritual and ultimately turn my life in a totally new direction.
Trauma, injury, illness are great motivators, they can be major or minor, but unless you experience one of them, I personally don't think that you can possibly change yourself. You aren't forced to reconcile yourself with the problems, you can avoid them, bury them and remain the same. However, when tragedy or one of the others strikes you and those you care about, change is forced upon you. You have to adapt to the new situation, you have to maybe compromise and look deep within yourself. You have to be brutally honest with yourself and those around you. You have to be looking to change and understand what motivates your wanting to change.
However, no matter how much you change aspects of your life, I believe that your core ideal stay the same. You are still going to be the loving, kind person that you were, looking to help others, like me. Or you are going to still be selfish, unfeeling, vindictive, but that might be the very aspect you want to change because your tragedy or trauma has pointed you to those exact flaws. It took me a while to understand and comprehend, a person cannot want to change and just do it. There has to be a driving force or action that has caused them to change.
A person who abuses women, hits them, looses his temper quickly and is violent. Is not going to feel remorse all of sudden for the actions that he has committed. What he does to one he will continue to do to others. Now if the same person found out that he was dying and had only a few months to live, the story might be different. He might realize that he doesn't want to be alone and fight by himself, that he needs others to support him and help him through his illness. Thus an impetus for change. Just like with a habit or an addiction, you might want to at times give up that which is holding you down, like a habit, but unless something moves you out of the situation you are in, I don't believe you yourself is going to be able to get out of the track you are in. No matter what your intentions, the habit has got you and is keeping you held in place. Even if you meet someone that cares for you and wants to help you get out of the situation you are in. Unless, you are willing to make the change and do something about it and seek help. That person is going to be powerless to help you and might even get hurt in the process of trying to help you out.
Now, lets take a person who has a serious drug habit, and develops a terminal illness because of that drug, would that person be able to change. No! they won't, they may even end up doing more because the drug helps them escape reality, avoid facing and confronting the issue of being ill. However, if the person is wanting to get off the drug, and finds out that they are terminally ill, they may be motivated to make the necessary steps to actually change. In my experience, I used to rationalize to myself that I was doing drugs to help with the pain. I used to say I was doing so I could enjoy having sex and a whole myriad of excuses. The truth was just that they were excuses and the drug was my crutch to help me keep from facing the facts that I was sick and that nothing was going to change my fate.
I will also admit that while I was on drugs, I still tried to help people, and myself, but usually I just made things worse for everyone involved. Because I didn't realize that my attempts to help were only reinforcing their need to use, just like me. I was actually enabling them. I wasn't helping them. It took a lot of prayer and wanting to change to get me out of the situations I had put myself into. I had to make major changes in both my mental outlook as well as my physical location, and I had to realize that by doing the drugs, I was helping my body to surrender to the illness, and I was actually killing myself. It also took another friend to point out to me that I was floating along listless without a sense of self or direction and that it wasn't like me.
As I am reading over this and forcing myself to look at the complexities of the situation I realize that I couldn't have changed if I hadn't realized there was a problem. I wouldn't have stopped doing what I was doing if I hadn't found out that I was going to die. So maybe the answer is when you hit the bottom and have nowhere else to turn, and you start looking at yourself and really become honest with yourself, that you can become motivated to change. Trust me it is hard and scary and most likely you are going to be on your own and alone when this happens, because everyone around you is going to be gone. You have either driven them away with your drug use or abuse, or you have isolated yourself off from everyone, or you have just fallen to the bottom and are clawing and scratching your way back up.
I believe that if you are honest and serious with yourself and you have come to your crossroad, either through tragedy, loss, trauma, or illness you can make the changes you need to escape and ultimately change everything about yourself. I also believe that the culmination of these events and things will help you re-evaluate your core value system and if properly motivated that too can change. They say an old dog can't learn new tricks, but given the right motivation, and inspiration, and lots of support and patience I believe it can. Just like I believe that each of us change and adapt to the situations we find ourselves in. Remember I keep telling over and over again that we are the sum of our experiences, tragedies, triumphs, and choices, decisions and the consequences of every action we take. If that is the case, then our person, personality and persona has to change and adapt each time. These are surface changes and they last and stay with us for awhile, but eventually we revert back to the way we were. It is only through immense emotional, physical trauma, or pain that we truly change.
Honestly, if you change for any other reason than because you had too. You are going to revert. See I had to change what I was doing, or I was going to die. I now have a fighting chance because I have made the changes. But while I was at it, I identified areas that needed improvement and work, and I set out to make those changes too. I decided that I was going for a whole person make over. I am still the loving, gentle, warm person who wants to help everyone, but I also saw how letting people walk on me and use me, manipulate me and ply me with drugs caused me to stay down. So, I decided to come clean and when I did, I found that by admitting and being honest with myself and you and everyone who knows me, that I was free. I also realized that I needed to look out for myself and take care of myself, and that if I didn't do these things no one else would.
I made a change for the better, I have readjusted my focus, and changed my perspective, and I honestly see and react to things much differently now then I did in my past. I have grown and I have matured yes. I have looked for the things that are harder to see, because I want to understand them and comprehend them. But I also changed how I think about things, I use PMA (positive mental attitude) to look at all things, and I put it on every morning. It is just a process of psyching oneself out and making a game out of finding the positive in all things.
I hope this finally makes sense to you. I know that it might be hard to follow my train of though because I jump from thought to thought and it seems like I might be contradicting myself. But I am not. I don't think a person really changes unless they are forced to by outside forces. I also believe that the core value of a person, essentially stays the same no matter how a person changes. Again, I think that outside forces and consequences can make a person totally change. So bottom line is this, no matter how much you try to change your core pulls you back to what you were. Unless you hit rock bottom, or are affected by a tragedy, trauma, or illness of some sort. When you come to the crossroad you will know and you will make the appropriate changes and adapt to the situation accordingly.
I would like to hear your thoughts and opinions about this subject. Feel free to drop me a line, post a comment, or even reach me on facebook or twitter.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
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