A fine line between love and hate

I know each of you have heard the old saying that there is a fine line between love and hate, but do you know exactly what this saying means?  I have watched a friend of mine time and time again go back to the man that disrespects, abuses, and cheats on her.  Now, I can understand her desire to keep her family together, she does have 3 children by this man.  But when the children witness the abuse that she suffers time and again. What point do you reach the point that enough is enough.  I have talked to her about her relationship and she told me that she would know when she has reached that point.

It is amazing what a person can endure and suffer just to make someone other than themselves happy.  What bothers me is that if things don't change soon in my friends life I can see that she will eventually walk away.  However, in the meantime she has to worry that her 4 year old daughter who is so much older and smarter than her years can see and knows that her mommy and daddy are not getting along very well.  What damage is being done to this child as she grows older watching her mother suffer quietly at her daddy's hands?  I can tell you that either she is going to develop trust issues, or she is going to accept that what her mother is going through is acceptable behavior and will look for a person just like her dad, and then the chain of abuse just continues.

In my own personal life, I spent 12 years with someone that mentally and physically abused me, I should have left way before I did. But, I had fooled myself into thinking that my partner at that time would change and realize what they were doing to me.  I also believed or taught myself to believe that this was his way of showing his love and affection towards me.  I chose to ignore the warnings and input from my friends and before I realized what was happening I was isolated from my family and friends and moved 400 miles away.  I found myself in a new city with no friends and dependent directly on my partner. I have to say that for the first 5 years of my relationship with him it was all good, the abuse didn't set in right away and was a gradual thing and sort of just snuck up on me.

In actuality my relationship didn't start to turn negative until I started making more money than him and I wanted to assert a bit of independence.  Once, I started realizing that something was wrong I found myself alone and isolated from everyone that cared about me and that I cared about.  By that time I was alone and not really sure what was going on. I just knew that him and I began fighting more and more and couldn't seem to meet on common ground about any situation that came up.  So, yes I am familiar with abuse and failing relationships.  I can also tell you that my experience colored how I reacted to other men that came into my life afterwards.

I was telling my friend just the other day that I truly did understand where she was at, and that I could tell that she was doing exactly what she needed to do to tolerate the situation she has found herself in.  I expressed my fears about what her children were seeing and being exposed too.  I could also tell that she isn't happy where she is at and who she is with and that if she didn't do something about it soon. See I can see that her attitude toward her partner has changed and I know exactly where that is leading her, and I am afraid that she is at the point where the two sides of this fine line meet.  But the approach to the line is filled with only a few possibilities, and that is that change has taken place and contentment and acceptance has been achieved or resentment and intolerance has continued to build up.

One thing that I do know is that the line is different for each person, and varies greatly.  The human heart has a great capacity for Love and each person can love multiple people at the same time and in different ways.  Love has many different phases that it goes through and it can grow in even harsh conditions.  For example you can love your parents, children, relatives and even multiple partners. If you are religious and have a Christian background you know that there are at least 3 different types of love that are described in the Bible.  They are called Eros, Agape and Philos and are described in the Bible.  Eros is know as erotic love or sexual type of love and is considered selfish.   This kind of love is based on physical traits and the strong  feelings we have against one another and it usually develops during the 1st stage of a romantic relationship.  Agape love is the special term which represents the divine-love of the Lord towards His Son.  It is the love that God commanded all believers to have for everyone whether he or she is a believer or not. Agape love is never determined by our feelings, and surprisingly you don't have to feel it to give it.  Many times this is considered unconditional love and once you start demonstrating it, you will start feeling it.  Philos love is unique kind of love and it is what you feel toward a friend or a pal.  This love is for those that are close to us and who we have shared experiences with.

Depending on how old you are you might remember the song the Rose that was sung by Bette Midler.  In that song she describes love as a rose, and tells us how it blossoms and blooms.  Love is a seed that is planted attraction, watered by friendship and trust and grows and blooms into a beautiful flower.  In other entries I have talked a good deal about love.  But this is the first time that I have gone into the different types of love.  What we haven't actually covered is how we can transition from loving to hating.  It is my belief that if a relationship isn't based on a foundation of friendship and trust then mistrust, abuse and resentments tend to build and what was once love can quickly and irrevocably be turned into hate.  If you remember I once told you that when a person in your life takes more than they contribute then just like a checkbook you become out of balance and overdrawn, and it takes you cutting them loose to bring your life to finally find balance and you can move forward.

Be aware of your feelings, listen to them with not only your mind but your heart as well.  If you start feeling resentment or bitterness toward the one you love or are in a relationship with do both of you a favor and let it go and move on before either of you get hurt. Life is too short to deal with regrets and it certainly doesn't mean that you should allow someone to abuse you.  Keep in mind that there are many types of abuse, physical, mental as well as emotional.  Both of the mental and emotional abuse may be hard to see when it is happening and might creep up on you unaware.  I further believe that a relationship is a partnership and an agreement between two individuals and should be honored.  However, but don't put yourself in harm's way and if you feel that you are being abused then I suggest you get out of the situation and move on.

Yes, there is a fine line between love and hate, and you have to be aware of the signs and symptoms.  Don't let your life go out of balance, and remember that there are more fish in the sea. You don't have to settle and whatever position, situation or path you find yourself in or on you have choices.  Remember if you don't love yourself no one else will either, and why should they.  Put yourself and your feeling forefront and make sure that you are fair in your understanding of those you surround yourself with.  You must make life your own and be open to change, be flexible at all times love freely and believe that what you give you will get back in return.  Understand that no one has the right to abuse you in anyway, and no one has the right to make yourself feel any way about yourself.  If you find that someone does make you feel a certain way or you strive to get another person's approval then you have given too much power to them over you.  Take that power back and make yourself happy no matter what your circumstances.

Think about what I have said and be careful about who you bring into your orbit and who you give your heart too.  They could just end up disappointing you and pushing you away from them.  You are important,  you are unique, and you deserve the best.

As I told my friend she has to look out for herself and her children. No one else would look out for them like she will and she needs to be happy if not for herself then for her children.  No child should ever have to see their mother being abused, it could definitely lead to a pattern of behavior that no one wants repeated by their offspring.

Think about these things my friend and ask yourself are you happy?  Do you feel any resentment or bitterness towards your partner?  If so, do yourself and those around you a favor and cut your loses  and move on.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Hate, Anger and Regret will consume you.

I was thinking about anger, hate and regrets the other day and how those three things are the formula for revenge.  Revenge is all about getting back at someone for hurting you, or having done something to you. The pitfalls of revenge can be found in literary classics like "Moby Dick" and other such important works.  The end results are usually the same, a person becomes embroiled and totally consumed by the intense drive and need to execute their revenge.  Revenge is pointless, you cannot change the past, and in most cases more hurt is inflicted upon yourself then the person you target.  In my blog entry entitled "So What, Who Cares, Get Over it and Move on" I talk about grudges, and revenge is a grudge that has grown out of control and has become an obsession.

It is impossible for anyone to tell you how to change your course, all we can do is try to warn you of the danger you are in. When you blame someone else for something that has happened to you and you forget that it took two of you to be involved in the situation, and that both of you are to blame for what happened. How can you ever get past it?  The important thing is to accept responsibility for your role in the situation, come to terms with the fact that both of you made terrible choices, and the end result is that you got hurt.  Plot, planning, devising ways to embarrass, punish and victimize the person that hurt you makes you know better than that person.  Possibly it makes you worse, because you have taken the time to plan it out, worked hard to execute the plan, and probably tried to get others to side with you against the other person in the process.

I warn you that if you take this path you are going to have to deal with, and live with the consequences of your choices and your actions.  Remember that karma is a harsh mistress and she gives back what you dish out, and when she does it is 10 times worse than what you gave to the other person.  When you become obsessed with hurting another person and become so intent on exacting your revenge, you are going to destroy your credibility with others, you are going to put all of your friendships and relationships in jeopardy.  In the end you are going to end up alone and full of despair.  After all is said and done and your revenge has taken place there is going to be nothing left inside of you, you have used up all your hatred and anger and an empty hole remains where there once was pain.  Pain is good like I have said before, it lets you know you are alive, and it teaches us how to react in situations and protects us from making the same or similar choices over again.

If you feel nothing but emptiness, what do you think is going to fill the void?  Do you think it is going to be love? Understanding?  No, it is going to be an all consuming and overwhelming sense of despair, guilt and depression.  Then when you look back at all the energy and time that you have wasted, and trust me you are going to see that it was a total waste.  You are going to see that it was fruitless, and the joy that you thought you were going to feel watching the other person pay and squirm is going to feel so unrewarding, and by then it is too late.  Nothing you can do will take back the actions you have taken.  Once you are on that path, how could you possibly feel anything whatsoever?

In most cases the hurt that you experienced at another's hands was probably accidental, not even planned.  Even if the pain was because they were talking about you behind your back and lying to everyone around you, accusing you of things you hadn't done.  You really need to look at your past actions and see if what they are reacting to, isn't somehow a direct result of something you might have done or said, and what they were doing was to get back at you.  See revenge is a nasty two edge sword, and no matter if you started it or reacted to it, it still wounds both you and the person it was intended for.  What if once you have searched within yourself and it wasn't brought about by something you have done, take into consideration who it was that was talking about you, maybe you will find that they are jealous of you, or envy you for some reason, or maybe they are just a bitter lonely person who can't stand to see you happy because they aren't.

Understand that I am not saying what they did wasn't wrong, and that your feelings of hurt and betrayal aren't justified, but take it in stride and with a grain of salt.  Remember, who said it or did it and if you can't figure out why they did it, I suggest you confront them privately and try to find out. More than likely they are going to deny that they did it, and if that happens you have to determine if they are actually telling the truth and if you can really trust the source from which your information came from.  Because often times we get caught up in the "He Said, She Said" bull crap, and eventually find out that we have been played from the start.  It is always best to go to the source and confront them and figure out what actually happened or was said.  You may find out that they are innocent, or you may find out that they did do it, and what got back to you was taken out of context and made to hurt you, and when you find out what was really said or done, you could find out that it was all a big misunderstanding.

Now, if something has happened and it is immensely damaging and hurtful, you must evaluate the person, their motives, and intentions.  Try to figure out what their agenda is.  Because I promise you that there are so many people out there that are claiming to be your friends and saying that they care about you, and behind your back they are tearing you apart, undermining everything you are trying to accomplish, and talking about you like you are a dog.  These are the types of people that I call "Frienemies", they are all around us, they are opportunist, and they are just trying to get you for whatever they can, and it doesn't matter to them how badly you get hurt.  To them you are just an end to the means.  If you don't get rid of them from your life they are going to continue to use you till there is nothing left and continue to hurt you.

It is easier to give into the pain and hatred, let the anger build and go after these people, but trust me when I tell you revenge and vengeance isn't any good.  Have faith that they are going to get what is coming to them, and they are going to be hurt far worse than you could ever do to them, by their own actions.  They are going to find out that they have no real friends and everyone is going to eventually find out what type of person they are and before you know it they are going to be hurting and you didn't have to lift a figure to do anything because they have done it to themselves.

Have pity on them that have hurt you and used you, that have spoken about you and lied on you, because they are so unhappy with their lives, and so insecure with there own standing that they try destroy yours.  But, guess what you are better than them.  You are going to be stronger then them, and you are going to be blessed far greater than them.  So please learn to forgive them for what they have done, understand the type of person they truly are, and let them go.  They are not worth you feeling guilty and miserable over.  Always keep in the front of your mind how they treated you and what they did to you, so you don't let them do it to you again, also by keeping that fresh in your mind you are going to be aware and ready for the next person that tries to play you and run game on you.  Because you know what how they act and operate.  So as the saying goes, "Forgive but never forget what they have done".  

While you are soul searching to find out why they did what they did, and all that.  Honestly take a good hard look at how you judge a person's character, because you may find out just like I did that you are a bad judge of character and your choice of friends leaves a lot to be desired. Learn to be observant, and as I have suggested before come at each encounter with a new person as an open book, be honest with them, don't hide behind your masks, develop a true friendship, test it if you have too, and when you figure out that they are just a player and are trying to run game on you drop them. Because in the long run they are just going to walk all over you, get as much out of you as they can and leave. It is just that simple, they honestly don't care, and because of that they have the most power in your relationship, because you are the one that cares you are the one that is going to get hurt.  My friend once sent me a picture that I wanted to post on here that summed up nicely what I was trying to say but I couldn't find it.  So I am going to do my best to tell you from my memory.  The picture said something like this "When someone in your life is taking more withdrawals then deposits, you will soon find that your account is out of balance, and you are negative, know when to close the account."  Like I was saying above, if someone is taking from you more than they are giving your, they are using you, they are not a true friend. Any type of friendship/relationship is supposed to be a partnership a 50/50 breakdown, the two of you should be benefiting each other in some way.  Because if that isn't happening then it really isn't a friendship at all.  If you continue to let it happen to you, I can guarantee that hard feelings and animosity are going to build up.  There is a very thin line between like and dislike and before you know it you are going to be in dislike.  I don't use the word hate, because I don't think I have ever found anyone that I disliked so much that I actually hated them.  But there are quite a few people out there that have played me and hurt me and I dislike what they did.  Now, I cannot fault them entirely because I know that I had my own part to play in the situation, but taking advantage of someone that is trying to help you is wrong no matter how you look at it.  It maybe a bit late and after the fact but those people will never get to play me again, because I now know about their agenda, and no matter how hard they will try to convince me otherwise, I know that they don't care about me.

Be wise as you pick your friends, try and hone your skills at being a good judge of character, protect yourself against the players and haters in the world.  Make sure you put your interest and goals in front of everyone else's because they aren't going to put yours first.  Above all else let go of the hate, anger and regret you feel, don't let it consume you and put you on the path of revenge.  Continue to be true to yourself and love everyone like you do.  Forgive them that have hurt you and move on, cutting them from your life and letting them figure out how they are going to work someone else because you are through.  Keep in mind my motto "So What, Who Cares, Get Over It and Move On" because in the grand scheme of life, they are just a little bump in the road, and when all is said and done they aren't going to be answering for you at Judgement, it is just going to be you alone.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

You need to adjust and lower your expectations

The last four entries have been dealing with relationships and dealing with the problems that might come up in them. Which I included families and how they form the basis of a support network. I want to round out the series with discussing expectations.  For it seems to me that rigidity and flawed expectations seem to be a cause of our own inability to adjust to what life and relationships throw at us.  I have stressed that in order for relationships to be successful and long lasting it needs to be based on  trust, communication, friendship, open mindedness and the flexibility to adjust to change.  Keep in mind that when two people come together, they have their own ideas, habits and customs that they are used to.  By adjusting and lowering your expectations can make living with another person so much easier.

What I am trying to say here is that if you have preset or preconceived notions about how a relationship should be like, there is nothing but disappointment and pain in your future.  You may find someone that you care about but how long will it last when you are constantly fighting, criticizing, and nitpicking your partner.  Another thing you need to think about is your happiness and that of your partner. If you both set your goals so high that they are unattainable and have expectations that are unreasonable, I don't see how you two are possibly going to get anywhere and you are going to start to have regrets and before you know it you are going to be going at each other trying to assign whose to blame for failing to reach your common goals.

I believe that each relationship has to have reachable and realistic goals in order for contentment and happiness to be attained and maintained.  I also maintain that if you have inflexible and rigid expectations you are never going to be satisfied with anything that you have or will gain, it is further going to push your goals into the realm of unreachable.  It is important to understand that your expectations on a situation, affect the way you plan and reach for your goals.  Often you have a preconceived notion that you base your feelings on and when a person doesn't live up to those expectations, you come down hard on that person. Your expectations are how you perceive something, it is the mental guide on which you judge everything.  When your expectations are set so high, and you have an idea of how things should go, and they don't go that way, your reaction is going to be one of disappointment and anger.

We all go into a relationship with a preconceived notion of how it should be.  When things don't live up to those expectation, the disappointment grows, and if your partner continues to fail to live up to your expectation, you start building resentments, and before you know it every little thing starts to irritate you.  Your relationship becomes unstable and forward movement toward your mutual goals grinds to a halt.  If you don't address it quickly and efficiently the everyday becomes routine and mundane, lethargy sets in and depression.  The next thing you know you two are fighting all the time and the relationship crashes in a bitter and dreadful manner with feelings getting hurt on both sides.

In the entry I wrote about handling problems I stressed over and over again that you need to keep an open mind about things, you need to be flexible, adaptable and willing to change.  You must be adventurous and willing to explore new options.  It is important that your expectations be realistic so that you can set reasonable and achievable goals.  I guess in a way I am trying to say that your goals and expectations must be aligned inside the relationship and without. You need to work together and accept each other for who you are.  How can you say that you love someone in one breathe and then in the next try to change them, into what you think they should be.  Because if you think about it, if the person does end up changing then they are not the person you were in love with any longer and in all actuality everything will have to change.  Expectations can be brutal things that can tear a relationship apart.

Have you ever felt that for every one step forward, you take five steps back?  If so that means that your expectations and goals are unrealistic and might actually be impossible to attain. You must adjust them accordingly before you finally give in to depression and throw in the towel.  If you are a person that continually compares where you are at and who you are with to your past you are going to find that neither the place or the person live up to what you think they should. Memories are things that we polish up and idolize, and nobody can compete with a memory, so you constantly find yourself disappointed.  No relationship can possibly withstand constant comparison to the past, further no goal can be reached if you keep living in the past and not moving forward.

I believe you that you need to take each person that you have a relationship with on their own merits. I do realize how hard it is to keep from comparing them to your exes, but if you continue to do it, your current partner is going to get the impression that you aren't over your ex and start to feel insecure, and if that happens there is no way possible for them to live up to the ideal that you have in your mind of the perfect companion.  I think you may also find after several failed relationships that what you had once thought of as the ideal relationship doesn't actually exist at all.  That you have been fooling yourself, and pushing people away from you because of your constant comparisons to your past, and because you are so set in your ways that you can't share your life with another person.  I also think that your current partner is going to begin to feel a certain way about themselves and you. They are going to begin to feel that nothing they do is good enough for you, and that you just want more and more.  They begin to feel stress and anxiety about this because they are doing their best and apparently in your eyes it is not enough.

Any goal that you are trying to reach is going to be always just out of reach because you haven't learned how to appreciate what you have. If you don't learn how to be content with where you are at in life and appreciate what you have achieved then how can you truly be happy, and if you aren't happy with yourself how can you be happy with anyone else.  All because of your preconceived notions and expectations you are going to drive yourself and others crazy, and before you know it you are going to be all alone wondering what you did.

I hope you understand that all I am trying to tell you that we each have certain expectations and ideas about how things should be done, and if we don't adjust our way of thinking we are going to continue to drive others away from us.  Any goal we might possibly achieve is going to be disappointing and we are never going to be happy with what we have accomplished because in our minds we haven't ever achieved the place or thing that we truly wanted.  You must let go of the past to move on to the future, you cannot have a successful relationship if you continually compare them to your ex, and you are never going to be able to keep anyone with you if your expectations are so high that they couldn't possibly live up to them.

I hope you can understand how I have been trying to relate how expectations and goals are tied together, and how one can damage the other, and how when not dealt with together can result in constant disappointment and loneliness.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Word Wounds May Never Fully Heal

A friend of mine called me tonight and we talked for quite awhile and during the conversation something was said about my ex saying something about me to his ex.  Now you know how things go, especially in the gay community with the "He said, She said bullshit" and I should probably blow this off.  However, what was said touched a raw nerve in me and the words cut into me very deeply.  Now, I have been trying to work things out between my ex and I , and I know that this thing that was said was done while we were not together, but it totally wasn't true, and if my ex really cared about me and knew my history he would never have made such a statement.  Cher said it best "Words are like weapons they wound sometimes!" and that is a true statement.

When you are wounded by words, your faith is shaken, your trust in people is warped and you feel altogether vulnerable.  Even if you defend yourself against what was said there are going to be some people that are going to give credence to what has been said about you because of your objections.  See, I learned from a really smart woman that if you disagree, you give credence to the allocations against you.  In her last interview Jacqueline Kennedy Onasis was asked about all the biographies that have been written about her, and the apparent discrepancies about her life.  Her reply was this "Why should I defend myself, I was there and only I know what truly happened, and if I voiced out and disagreed with them, some of the people would think that I had something to hide and defend upon, but if I keep quiet only those who were with me and I alone will know the truth and that is enough for me."

Very wise words from a very wise woman, see given her experiences and suffering that she went through she realized that by denying and putting up a defense against what was leveled at her and her life would just make people have a doubt about her.  But, by keeping quiet she took her secrets to her grave and the truth of her life unvarnished in the eyes of the public.  It is my hope that I can be as strong and wise as her.  Because you see words can cut, slice, shred and tear at ones heart and soul, and even time and distance only causes the hurt to scab over.  At sometime in the future a word or series of words will bust that wound wide open again.

Some of the time words that are said are said as weapons, filled with anger and hurt themselves and I think that is what gives them the power.  At other times, even a casual word between two friends can be taken the wrong way and cause pain.  Yet, another way is when something is told to another person behind your back and it was never intended to get back to you.  Either the person making the statement never thought you would hear it or they were trying to impress someone else at your expense, or worse yet, they were using you to manipulate a certain situation to gain favor.  Whatever the case may be the truth of the matter is that words do hurt and wound not only the heart, but the mind, body and soul as well.  Word can be cruel and bitter, they can do a great deal of damage, but the reverse is also true, a well timed kind word can build another person up and make them feel so good about themselves.

Please think about the words you carelessly throw out, because words have power and can be used to destroy or fortify a person depending on the way they are used. Take into account the source of the where they are coming from, and whether they are said out of anger or of love.  As I pointed out earlier if the words are full of anger and hurt, they are going to wound you deepest, but you must remember that they were said in the heat of the moment, and when things calm down they may be quickly taken back by the person who said them.  However, you must keep in mind that you may have said some things in return that were just as spiteful and hurtful as they said to you, and "I'm Sorry" only goes so far, and if used too many times, has no power at all.

If we repeatedly endure the same types of words, filled with anger, hate, and spite, telling someone you are sorry afterward, the person is going to stop accepting them, stop believing them, and become immune to them.  If you are truly sorry after everything has been said and done, and you have learned something about yourself and truly are sorry and seeking forgiveness, you are going to have to show them you are sorry, you are going to have to prove to them that you have changed and that you aren't going to abuse them with your words anymore.  This is a long, long process, and as I said before may never fully heal.  Now everyone fights, and gets angry, they lash out and say things they don't mean in the heat of a fight or argument, and that was what I was talking about when I said that you have to take into account where those words are stemming from, you have to remember the situation, because both of you may both regret the things that were said and the healing process will be that much quicker and smoother if that is the case.  But, no matter if what you are not the only victim here, in a battle of words and wit neither of you are the winner, you are both the looser's, and the victims, because both of you have said things and done things to hurt one another. The only way to reconcile is if you both are sorry and regretful of what was said.

Don't casually throw the word I am sorry around, because the more you use it the harder it is to convince others of their sincerity.  You may end up causing more damage with a half-hearted apology, and might never be able to reconcile things with them again.  When you care about someone and you have heard that they are talking about you behind your back, spreading lies, rumors or whatever the case maybe, again I ask you to consider the source, and if that person is reliable, you should go directly  to the person that supposedly said the things about you, confront them, but come at them in a caring and concerned manner.  Don't come in hostile and upset because you are only going to isolate and alienate them and automatically they are going to be on the defensive.  Take the time to cool down, let the hurt subside a little and bring it up in casual conversation at some later date, when you know your temper isn't going to flare.  If you come across this way you most likely will avoid causing a fight and making the situation worse.  No one ever likes to hear that someone has been talking about them, and that they things being said are totally untrue and fabricated.  They hurt, and you are wounded and you want to find out right away why they have said what they have, but trust me if you take the time to think about what was said and divorce your emotions from it, you can come at it without causing a fight and hurting each other more.

I started writing this because I heard from my friend that my Ex-boyfriend told his boyfriend that I had intentionally tried to give them Hepatitis C. Now, I had called my ex, to tell him that I was diagnosed with the virus because we had been having sex for several months together and I was concerned I might have passed it on to him.  Now, I haven't been sleeping with my friend or his ex so there was no way I could have given it to them.  So what could have possibly made my ex tell his ex that stuff, and then it dawned on me that either he thought that I may have given him a tainted needle or shared one with them, or worse yet, that my ex had been sleeping with his ex and that could have passed it on.  However, after starting to write this entry, I started thinking about the situation more closely and I figured out what the problem was and which of the two scenarios mentioned above it could have possibly have been.  Now, mind you I had tried to call my ex and talk to him, and sent him an email asking him to contact me because I was told something that needed to be cleared up.  But, now that I have been writing this and my emotions over the situation are gone and I know why what was said was.  It all makes sense and I am going to spell it out for you here. I have no shame and nothing to hide, so forgive me as I tell what I do know and why I was slandered in the way that I was.  Sometimes a person will say something to someone else in an attempt to save face, and cast blame on another person to throw off suspicion.  I honestly believe this is what was attempted here.

Mark which is my friend Gavin's ex, and Bobby which is my ex have been partying together, and apparently have had sex.  Even though both Greg and I have been told that it never happened, but the stories don't add up, and at this point it doesn't matter because we were all single at the time, however both Greg and I were trying to get back together with Mark and Bobby, so I am not sure how this revelation is going to affect Gavin and Mark, but I am going to let this go.  I love Bobby and I want to spend my time with him and I want to get to know the real Bobby, so in order to do that I am going to have to chalk this little rumor up to the game and then rest it. Because it isn't worth me getting worked up about or ruining any chance I may have of working things out with Bobby.  See anyone who knows me at all would know that I would never intentionally give anyone anything, because that is one of my biggest fears and concerns.  Further, I would never intentionally share a syringe with anyone trying to make them ill. I would sterilize it and clean it if there were no other options, as I have always done, I used to clean and sterilize my own before use because of what happened too me.

So now, that I opened the can of worms I am going to explain to you how I know what I know and figured out this little situation. First, let me continue with my story, in the July of 2006 I had a birthday party for a friend and it was the first time I had ever slammed.  Which means shoot up meth.  I had always been against trying it because I was afraid of needles, but once I experienced it, and the difference in the high and the length of time it lasted, it quickly became the preferred way for me to do the drug.  However in that first time was the mistake, because the syringes used between me and partner at the time were switched and I was given HIV, and it was done intentionally by another person.  So you see me doing that to someone else would be out of the question.  Anyhow, after Gavin and I got off the phone last night I realized that just a couple of months ago, shortly after the time I found out that I had Hep C and had told Bobby that I had it, he confided in me that he had syphilis, and recently I found out that Mark had given Gavin syphilis around the same time period, and I was on the phone with Bobby when he was going over to hang with Mark and party, they were supposed to call me back but I didn't hear from Bobby for a couple of days.  Putting the time line together after talking with Gavin made me realize that Bobby and Mark had been having sex and that is how Bobby got syphilis.  It also dawned on me that Bobby might have been afraid of giving Mark Hep C so told him that I may have given them tainted needles.  Now I am sure Mark doesn't think that because Mark knows my history and my fears about that, he also lived with me and knows how meticulous I am with syringes and how they have to be cleaned and bleached even when I am just throwing them away, and how they have to be put in a container so no one can get stuck accidentally and so forth.  But, for it to come to Gavin like that really hurt me.

Now I have told you that I am going to let this go and that I am not going to pursue this any further then this blog entry, and I intend to stick with that.  But, I hope you can see how casually throwing around words can hurt someone, and if what Bobby had said was to anyone else, who didn't know my history, wasn't my friend, you can see how differently this could have gone and how dangerous the words were.  I was hurting last night, and like I said feeling betrayed and devastated, but now that I have had time to think about things and figure out some of the lies that have been told to me.  I realize that a secret was trying to be buried at my expense.  I am not sure if Bobby and I will ever get back together there are other circumstances that are standing in the way, if it doesn't happen it will not be for the lack of me trying and won't be because of this questionable act.

I know that words hurt, they have power, and now you should too.  Be careful what you say, how you say it, and mind the tone and manner in which it is said.  All of these variable make a kind word into a damaging one.  Remember the pain a word can cause is as real as a knife wound, and they may never actually heal properly, but they can be gotten past.  Don't let your hurt and pride make you lash out on someone, divorce your feelings from the situation and come at it from a different angle so that it is non-threatening.  Above all else be mindful of how and how often you use the words "I am Sorry" because as I have said they become meaningless the more they are used.  Learn how to forgive, never forget, and move on. You will be that much happier in the long run when you can do that.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Holding in emotion and pain is not good for anybody.

When you hold in your emotions, and keep them bottled up inside of yourself, you are doing harm to yourself and sooner or later you are going to blow up at someone.  In fact, you are going to blow up and hurt someone, and it isn't going to be the person who hurt you or caused you the pain.  When you cannot express how you feel to others and are closed off, you have a tendency to become too serious about everything around you.  The littlest things bother you and before you know it you snap and will feel bad that it happened.  I do know what I am talking about, because I have lived this way most of my life.  I held everything in and bottled up inside of me, and I have snapped so many times on the wrong person and felt really bad after it happened.

I personally still have problem letting out feelings of hurt and anger, but I am working on it, daily I might add.  I don't want to ruin any more relationships or hurt anyone else in the process of my own growth and development.  For years and years I have held in my love, hate, pain, anger, and it has cost me much.  I hate confrontation, but I refuse to let my feelings be trampled on by anyone ever again.  If I am hurt I will tell you about it and you are just going to have to deal with it. Because you know what I don't stay angry long and when I get it out of my system, it is done and over with.

Take it from me if you can start talking about your emotions and how you feel with those that are closest too you.  There will definitely be less stress in your life, your relationships will go smoother and those around you will know where they stand with you. It is important for you to let those you care about know how you feel. Let them know daily that you love them and cherish them, do not go to bed angry, don't keep your feelings locked inside.  Because if you do, there is a good chance that they might not truly know or understand how you feel about them and you could loose them.

Another, problem with holding in emotion, is that it will make you bitter, you will always seem angry to others, and they will tend to shy away from you.  If you don't want to be alone, you are going to have to find away to open up to others and uncork those emotions you keep bottled up inside of you.  I cannot stress enough how important it is for you to learn how to do this.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

If we are such an enlightened society, why is there so much hatred and intolerance today?

This topic is an easy one! You see I have seen first hand and have experienced the hatred, bigotry and intolerance that society and religion have towards individuals that are different.  People who don't fit into the accepted social norm constantly find themselves the subject of ridicule, persecution, and hated.  It starts early and is promoted and fostered in the United States through the public school systems.  Some of us try to hide through-out our school years, we long to get to college where things will be different, we yearn to go up and be an adult so we don't have to feel ashamed, lonely, ridiculed and other ridiculous notions.  Some of us persevere through this and somehow pull through, others conform and fall into sync with the pressure of their peers.  Then again if you are me you make the best out of the situation and you reach out of your personal shell and start making friends and changing perceptions.

I was fortunate when I moved to Florida, my parents moved to a small town near Orlando, called Winter Park which is a small town about 5 miles outside of downtown Orlando, it is a place that is well known for old money, big houses, huge golf courses and country clubs.  Just, to give you a little more background and some insight to who I am and where I came from I will give you a brief history of myself and then go into how I made it through and where these nasty society norms came from and how they are perpetuated in today's society.  I was born in a small town outside of Philadelphia, my father came from a nominal background where his mother raised him and 8 other siblings on a widows pension.  My mother on the other hand came from a more privileged background whose parents saved, invested and had money.  Mom came from a smaller family where  her and her sister were 15 years older than their little brother who is actually only 7 years older than myself.   Okay now that you know these simple facts, my father got a job in the electronics field selling different types of computerized equipment and when I was 7 years old we left this small town and moved to Beaumont Texas.  Now back then Beaumont wasn't the town that it is today, it was a very small town 45 minutes away from Houston and seemed so far removed from society it was just like living in Pennsylvania, however today it is a huge developed community that is now considered part of Houston.  We were only there for 2 years when my father was transferred to Baton Rouge Louisiana, being the capital of Louisiana this was the first major city I lived in. Again we were only there for 2 years before we were moved once again by my fathers work to Orlando Florida where we settled.  But, one of the reasons I was able to adapt and fit in with my changing environments was that I was used to moving around and I was an avid reader and music listener.  In other words I had built myself a shell and was firmly entrenched inside it so when we moved no matter where I was I had my music and my books.  When we bought the house in Winter Park I had met 2 of the kids in the neighborhood that lived really close to me, one lived on the other side of my next door neighbor and the other lived 2 doors down from him.  So by the time school started 3 weeks later, I at least knew 2 people.

Again, as I stated before I was fortunate, and for another reason other than having experience from moving around.  The first day of school the bus driver assigned us seats, she thought this would keep down trouble and instill order on the bus.  In theory, I guess it worked a bit like that, however, it put me sharing a seat with a person who would become my best friend and the most influential person in my life.  His name was John Hope, and he broke me out of my shell turned me from an introvert to an extrovert, I went from being invisible to being one of the most visible and memorable people in both middle school and high school.  John went on to be a stand up comedian and shared his warmth and laughter with the world.  I went on to join the Navy and then on to become a scholar and teacher and specialist in technology and many other things.  My mother once told me that I was the highest educated most unemployable person she knew.  At the time I found this funny, now I realize that maybe she was right in some ways.  But let me just tell you this and then we will move further into what I have to say.  I came from a very large high school, I was considered one of the smart kids, I was labelled a teachers pet, but I also overcame all of this to be one of the most memorable members of the graduating class.  I had big chunky glasses and hair that had a mind of its own and strange. Yet, I knew everyone and everyone knew me. I had friends that were popular both and accepted but I also had friends in every other circle and click in the school.  I had become a social butterfly and that would remain part of my nature my entire life.  I was part of every group, accepted by the jocks, the cheerleaders, the nerds, the socially unacceptable and the punkers, the bad boys and every other group.  Believe it or not I was liked and remembered by each and everyone and believe it or not you will find almost everyone in my graduating class in my friends list on Facebook.

But, what has all of this to do with hatred and intolerance in today's society?  Well, I wanted to give you my background and show you that anyone can get past these things and survive peer pressure.  That anyone can make it through the name calling, ridicule and prejudices of peers and society and can use those same things that once made them an outsider and make them an insider accepted and remembered by those they interacted with growing up and through the rest of their lives.  Along my journey I have had the opportunity to study first hand many of the world's religions and experience first hand societies views on these views and sort through them, change perspectives and undo some of the damage they have done to people around me. You see the problem with our society comes from what I term as Organized Religion.  This is any denomination that boasts and claims to practice Christianity.  Now, do not get me wrong I was raised in the Church and I understand and believe the tenants that were instilled in me from childhood, but I have seen firsthand the flaws, and by having the experience while I was in the Navy to learn and view other religions of the world I was able to sort out and piece together my own eclectic view of Spirituality and embark on my own path toward enlightenment.

See, it is my firm believe that religion is man's attempt to reach God and to explain those things that they do not understand and cannot quantify by science.  They label it divine or attribute aspect of it toward a religious significance.  However, true Christianity or Spiritualism is God's attempt to reach man.  However, Christianity and organized religion somehow got off the path as preached and specified by Jesus himself.  Jesus preached acceptance and love, to honor and obey and to be fishers of men.  However, the church itself maintains and tries to enforce the 10 commandments, they cling to the old testament and miss the entire message of what Jesus was trying to tell the world.  Now, there is a reason why the churches and those of what I call organize religion cling and stick with the past and the old testament and it is plain to anyone who dares to remove their blinders and look with an open mind at the hierarchy and structure of the church today.  The old testament tells us about the casting out from the garden of eden, the subsequent enslavement of the people of Isreal and Moses dramatic leading of his people out of bondage from Egypt and delivering them to the gates of the promised land.  It also tells us where the 10 commandments came from and where they were delivered to Moses.  But for those of us who opened our eyes and see what had come about we begin to see why the commandments were necessary and how they molded and continue to influence and shape society at large today.  You see Moses had 12 tribes that were following him as they fled the pharoah and his armies, they were fractious groups and tended toward squabbling and when Moses's back was turned easily reverted to idol worship and turning away from God.  Therefore, the 10 Commandments were given to Moses to govern and rule the people, the early chapters of the Bible such as Exodus and Leviticus and Lamentations talks about the penalties and consequences of breaking these commandments and other religious views as dictated by the Levi's or the High Priests of the time.

So by telling you all of this what am I trying to tell you, every war that has been fought has been fought over the desire for an object, place, thing or difference, and cloaked under the guise of religion.  But the truth of the matter, is that religion was developed and perfected as a means to control the masses, to accumulate wealth and essentially to force society into a habit for living under the commandments and the fear of what happened to society if these commandment were broken.  This is known as salvation through the Law.  But, in the New Testament it was foretold that the covenant of the law or the covenant of Moses would be broken and salvation would be granted to us by Grace through the belief in Jesus.  Jesus like I said had a much more basic and humanistic message that spoke of love and acceptance.  Preaching to the common man and reaching out to the lost and disheartened.  So why has the church not clung to that teaching, why do they cling to the old testament and the rigid structure of the past? Why are there denominations, why do Preachers and evangelist today speak out against those that don't believe as they do? Why do they preach and teach that if you think and believe different from their views and that of their doctrine that you are going to perish and not make it to Heaven?  It is because if they let go of the old testament and embrace the tenants and teachings of Jesus, then they loose control of the masses, their coffers and collection plates would be less and they couldn't force and influence the tides of change and societal whims.  So what is all of this saying?  It is pointing out that today organized religion has become as corrupt and damaged as it once was in Jesus time, remember that Jesus spoke out against the Church leaders of the times the Sadducees and the Pharisees.  He cast out the money lenders in the temple and markets.  He dared to change the tenants of the day and speak out against the establishment.  He called each of us to do the same. He demanded and we go out and show love, acceptance, tolerance, obedience and compassion to one another and our fellow man.

Yet, here we are 2000 years later, and wars are still being fought, hatred, bigotry and intolerance are still prevalent in a society that is supposed to embrace and accept difference. Our nation was founded on the belief that each individual should have the right to choose and the freedom of choice to believe and follow the religion of their choice.  Our forefathers, had the foresight and vision to actually inscribe these things in our founding document the Constitution but look at where we are at.  Have we come any further in the 2000 years since Christ to where we are today?  Not really! Honestly, if you view organized religion with an open mind you will see what I am saying and can understand that change needs to take place or we are doomed to continue in the same vein as we have for centuries, there will still be greed, war, hatred intolerance and bigotry, there will always be outcasts and societal norms that are influenced and dictated by the church upon the populace,  Unfortunately, our forefathers saw that this trend was happening and had the vision to see that  inherent danger and tried to ensure that the church wouldn't dictate politics and influence the government.  Unfortunately, the separation of church and state which is supposed to be guaranteed and society protected by its inscription in the Constitution has successfully been circumvented and subsequently rendered effective by the advent of lobbying in our government. Ultra-conservatives and right-wing political group and fundamentalist church spend millions of dollars to influence and dictate legislature in our government today.  These laws, that are passed, the teachings that the church espouses all play into what becomes know as societal norms and dictates what is acceptable and what is not.

Why I have written all of this and what I want you to walk away from reading this with is the concept and the seed that individualism is good, acceptance is key, leadership is needed and it okay to march to the beat of your own drum.  I want you to live your life as you feel inclined too.  I want you to live outside of what society decides is the norm.  If you can achieve this you will be free from the guilt and remorse that is inflicted by society, church and our own inner beliefs. You will no longer be concerned with how others see you and what they think about you. You will become a leader, you will be a positive influence on others around you and will continue to touch and bless those lives that you come in contact with.  Even, if you don't believe in the Bible or the teaching of Christ, if you believe in another religion or creed.  If you embrace love, kindness, acceptance, tolerance, understanding, you will find that compassion for your fellow man, and society and the world will become a much better place.

So in summary, why is there so much hatred and intolerance in our enlightened society? Is simply this Religion...man's attempt to reach God and the institution that it built up and created,  Where is the solution in the true belief in the essential teachings of what I will call Spirituality or true Christianity...which is God's attempt to reach man and bridge the gap created by Original Sin as written in the old testament.  Jesus's teaching of love, acceptance and so forth are the true answer to enduring peace, freedom, and world where differences are celebrated and embraced instead of ridiculed and discriminated against.  If only we all could learn the simplest of these things you would see greater advancement in all things because the things which make us different are also the things that when brought together lead to development, creation, and invention.  Please release your belief on the old and embrace the new and celebrate living through the joy of love and compassion.  Add a sprinkle of laughter into the mix and you will see that pain, illness, will quickly dissolve and your consciousness and mind will be free from constraints and the world will become your oyster and the blessings of the Spirit will be bestowed upon you.  Or better yet they will become more evident in your daily life and walk.  Each of us are blessed continually and when we open our eyes and take the blinders of prejudice off we cannot see them or properly receive them.

As always I look for your comments and your thoughts on this and any other subject.  I want to hear from you and hope that you will join my blog as a follower.  It is easy to do, just click on the +1 button on the right hand side just under my profile to join and be a follower.  You can also write to me at bryanzepp@gmail.com and visit me on Facebook www.facebook.com/bryan_zepp2

All my hopes and dreams,

Uncle B