How do you come back to life after almost dying 3 times this year? How do you come back to life after your world has shattered because your husband died? How do you come back after you've had a serious injury that has left your confidence and self-esteem injured. The answer to all of these questions is the same answer, you have to learn to live again. You have to pick yourself up, and you have to carry on. Make sure that you give yourself the appropriate mourning period, find and celebrate the silver lining of the situation that you have found yourself in. Remember, that there is always going to be a silver lining to every situation. Finally you have to look at yourself, really look at yourself and love yourself in-spite of everything that that is happening to you. In situations like the ones above, we forget to love ourselves and except ourselves for the person that we are and who we have become. We have a tendency to loose ourselves in our own situation and suffer through it on our own.
Just realizing that you aren't alone, that there are people out there that care about you and are there to support you and help you deal with any situation is the first step in making it through. From there you have to face yourself in the mirror, accept and deal with the emotional impact of what has happened to you. If you are brutally honest with yourself you will find a strength that you may never have known before. We are never given more than we can bear, nor are we ever left to face these types of hard times on our own. Take the time and look around you, you are going to be surprised at how few people you once considered friends are there for you, however there are going to be others that are still there waiting for you to see them. I realized a short while ago, that when times are tough and you are down or out or even sick only a select group are going to be around for you. It seems that all the others only are around when times are going good and you are up. These are the ones that I would let go, they are not true friends at all, they are hanger-on's. People that at every chance are kind and considerate to your face, but behind your back they have only their own interest at heart.
If you remember I have a belief that there are those that come into our lives that are needed and stay an allotted amount of time before they move on. We each have a support group, those that stand by us through thick and thin, and are willing to go the distance for you when times are tough. These are the ones that you need to cherish and appreciate. They are going to be the ones that are going to help you pick up the shattered pieces of your life and rebuild it. These are the friends, relatives and loved ones that are going to accept you and what is going on in your life and offer support and help through the rough times. These friends are true friends and are hard to find, but when you do, you need to cultivate and nurture them so that they last. When I tell you that you need to start learning how to live again, these are the ones that are going to swoop in, help dispel the despair and darkness that has descended upon you. Because believe it or not when something major happens in your life depression is virtually inevitable, it is your friends that will bring joy and light back into your life and help you over the rough times.
Another thing that you have to do is find a new outlet, something that you enjoy and love to do. This will help take your mind off of your problem or issues and allow you to start enjoying yourself again. Remember that sometimes we have to immerse ourselves in a new project to take our mind away from our own problems. I have found that listening to other's problems and issues helps take my mind off of my own issues and offers me an outlet in which I can help someone else and ease their problems. I have found myself often times offering to help others which in turn actually helps me with my own issues. See, each experience is a learning experience and believe it or not, most of the time someone is going through something similar to what I am going through and by helping them, helps me figure out what to do in my own life.
One of my earlier blog entries was about how do we get over the death of someone that we love, and what I have found is that we never truly get over their loss. Our friends can help ease the pain, bring back joy and life into our lives and help motivate us to get up and out and do things again. Because death, illness, or tragedy often holds us to in place, keeps us from going out and doing things. One of my dearest friends lost her husband of 24 years recently and according to her daughter the passing sucked the life out of the house and her mother, she asked me to come and help out which is what I have done. I can tell you that since I have been here that the energy level has changed in the house. No one is sitting idle wallowing, we are getting out and doing things and the depression and darkness that was once here has virtually vanished. Now, I cannot make the pain of her loss go away, I can only make her laugh and take her mind off of the sadness for short periods of time. But keeping her busy and giving something other to think about seems to be helping out greatly. On top of that my partner's sister had a baby and that has breathed new life into our little family and that has also helped take our minds off of our problems. It is amazing how things work out.
As you know yesterday I talked about how each of us has come through such trials in 2012 and how I am expecting a huge turn around in 2013. My hope is that my message love, forgiveness, compassion and acceptance is taken on by each and everyone of us as the new year begins. Please take the time to tell those that have stood by you how much you love and appreciate them. That they mean so much and have touched you in so many ways. Sometimes we don't do that enough, and we really need to let others know exactly what they mean to us.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Showing posts with label tragedy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tragedy. Show all posts
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Don't ask me Why?
My heart's so sad that I could cry
And I'm not sure if I want to live or die.
A careless word from your lips smashed me like a fly.
One soft kiss would lift me so high
I left my past so high and dry
so I could live and never lie
how hard would it be for you to try?
oh why can't we see eye to eye?
You never stopped to ask me why?
Do I want to live or die?
All I know is that I don't want to say good-bye
When I said I was fine couldn't you hear the lie?
you asked me once again to try
I opened up and started to fly,
I was atop the world so high.
Only to cling to hope and watch it die.
Don't ask me why we live to die.
All I know is I've got to try,
to win you over to my side and whisper softly a lullaby
that will make things right for you and I
Don't you want to go higher than the sky?
Don't you see our loves dangling from this tiny wire please stop yourself and ask why?
You are ready to throw away our love like a die.
Don't kid yourself with another lie
you have to let it go that past of yours, in order to give it another try.
You told me that you wanted my ???
was it attention? why?
if all we are going to do is walk back into that pig-sty.
Don't ask me why I cannot cry.
I broke down my walls surrendered to you my personal "I"
No longer me but we alone to live or die.
Is what I thought! Was that a lie?
How can I feel so low when I was so high
Where do we go now? For another try?
I am not sure I can take this pain, if we fail I will die
You are my world, my light, my life, you know why?
Because you said it was me that made you fly!
So why?
Do you want it to die?
You haven't told a lie
but never really said why!
Do I give you another try?
Or should I sit and cry?
Never to understand why,
I wasn't enough to be your high!
My lips so soft and dry
as I kissed you and looked in your eye
I knew right then my soul would die
my heart so crushed it couldn't cry
Oh how I wish that I could die
you couldn't leave your past behind it was your tie
to hold you back from me oh my.
I guess this really is good-bye
Didn't I say don't ask me why?
I wanted to live or die.
Don't ask me why we cannot fly
Don't ask me why? I cannot believe another Lie,
I guess this is how true love comes to die! ~ b
As you read this I tried very hard to use the same words over and over again to paint a picture of longing and sadness. A part of this I was feeling tonight, but only a part. This was not truly aimed at anyone, but it does beg to ask the question why is it so hard to leave our past behind and start over? I hope it prompts some of you to think about the decisions you make, how they affect those around you, and to honestly look at your past and leave it where it is.
Tomorrow's blog is going to be about just that the past..
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
And I'm not sure if I want to live or die.
A careless word from your lips smashed me like a fly.
One soft kiss would lift me so high
I left my past so high and dry
so I could live and never lie
how hard would it be for you to try?
oh why can't we see eye to eye?
You never stopped to ask me why?
Do I want to live or die?
All I know is that I don't want to say good-bye
When I said I was fine couldn't you hear the lie?
you asked me once again to try
I opened up and started to fly,
I was atop the world so high.
Only to cling to hope and watch it die.
Don't ask me why we live to die.
All I know is I've got to try,
to win you over to my side and whisper softly a lullaby
that will make things right for you and I
Don't you want to go higher than the sky?
Don't you see our loves dangling from this tiny wire please stop yourself and ask why?
You are ready to throw away our love like a die.
Don't kid yourself with another lie
you have to let it go that past of yours, in order to give it another try.
You told me that you wanted my ???
was it attention? why?
if all we are going to do is walk back into that pig-sty.
Don't ask me why I cannot cry.
I broke down my walls surrendered to you my personal "I"
No longer me but we alone to live or die.
Is what I thought! Was that a lie?
How can I feel so low when I was so high
Where do we go now? For another try?
I am not sure I can take this pain, if we fail I will die
You are my world, my light, my life, you know why?
Because you said it was me that made you fly!
So why?
Do you want it to die?
You haven't told a lie
but never really said why!
Do I give you another try?
Or should I sit and cry?
Never to understand why,
I wasn't enough to be your high!
My lips so soft and dry
as I kissed you and looked in your eye
I knew right then my soul would die
my heart so crushed it couldn't cry
Oh how I wish that I could die
you couldn't leave your past behind it was your tie
to hold you back from me oh my.
I guess this really is good-bye
Didn't I say don't ask me why?
I wanted to live or die.
Don't ask me why we cannot fly
Don't ask me why? I cannot believe another Lie,
I guess this is how true love comes to die! ~ b
As you read this I tried very hard to use the same words over and over again to paint a picture of longing and sadness. A part of this I was feeling tonight, but only a part. This was not truly aimed at anyone, but it does beg to ask the question why is it so hard to leave our past behind and start over? I hope it prompts some of you to think about the decisions you make, how they affect those around you, and to honestly look at your past and leave it where it is.
Tomorrow's blog is going to be about just that the past..
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Word Wounds May Never Fully Heal
A friend of mine called me tonight and we talked for quite awhile and during the conversation something was said about my ex saying something about me to his ex. Now you know how things go, especially in the gay community with the "He said, She said bullshit" and I should probably blow this off. However, what was said touched a raw nerve in me and the words cut into me very deeply. Now, I have been trying to work things out between my ex and I , and I know that this thing that was said was done while we were not together, but it totally wasn't true, and if my ex really cared about me and knew my history he would never have made such a statement. Cher said it best "Words are like weapons they wound sometimes!" and that is a true statement.
When you are wounded by words, your faith is shaken, your trust in people is warped and you feel altogether vulnerable. Even if you defend yourself against what was said there are going to be some people that are going to give credence to what has been said about you because of your objections. See, I learned from a really smart woman that if you disagree, you give credence to the allocations against you. In her last interview Jacqueline Kennedy Onasis was asked about all the biographies that have been written about her, and the apparent discrepancies about her life. Her reply was this "Why should I defend myself, I was there and only I know what truly happened, and if I voiced out and disagreed with them, some of the people would think that I had something to hide and defend upon, but if I keep quiet only those who were with me and I alone will know the truth and that is enough for me."
Very wise words from a very wise woman, see given her experiences and suffering that she went through she realized that by denying and putting up a defense against what was leveled at her and her life would just make people have a doubt about her. But, by keeping quiet she took her secrets to her grave and the truth of her life unvarnished in the eyes of the public. It is my hope that I can be as strong and wise as her. Because you see words can cut, slice, shred and tear at ones heart and soul, and even time and distance only causes the hurt to scab over. At sometime in the future a word or series of words will bust that wound wide open again.
Some of the time words that are said are said as weapons, filled with anger and hurt themselves and I think that is what gives them the power. At other times, even a casual word between two friends can be taken the wrong way and cause pain. Yet, another way is when something is told to another person behind your back and it was never intended to get back to you. Either the person making the statement never thought you would hear it or they were trying to impress someone else at your expense, or worse yet, they were using you to manipulate a certain situation to gain favor. Whatever the case may be the truth of the matter is that words do hurt and wound not only the heart, but the mind, body and soul as well. Word can be cruel and bitter, they can do a great deal of damage, but the reverse is also true, a well timed kind word can build another person up and make them feel so good about themselves.
Please think about the words you carelessly throw out, because words have power and can be used to destroy or fortify a person depending on the way they are used. Take into account the source of the where they are coming from, and whether they are said out of anger or of love. As I pointed out earlier if the words are full of anger and hurt, they are going to wound you deepest, but you must remember that they were said in the heat of the moment, and when things calm down they may be quickly taken back by the person who said them. However, you must keep in mind that you may have said some things in return that were just as spiteful and hurtful as they said to you, and "I'm Sorry" only goes so far, and if used too many times, has no power at all.
If we repeatedly endure the same types of words, filled with anger, hate, and spite, telling someone you are sorry afterward, the person is going to stop accepting them, stop believing them, and become immune to them. If you are truly sorry after everything has been said and done, and you have learned something about yourself and truly are sorry and seeking forgiveness, you are going to have to show them you are sorry, you are going to have to prove to them that you have changed and that you aren't going to abuse them with your words anymore. This is a long, long process, and as I said before may never fully heal. Now everyone fights, and gets angry, they lash out and say things they don't mean in the heat of a fight or argument, and that was what I was talking about when I said that you have to take into account where those words are stemming from, you have to remember the situation, because both of you may both regret the things that were said and the healing process will be that much quicker and smoother if that is the case. But, no matter if what you are not the only victim here, in a battle of words and wit neither of you are the winner, you are both the looser's, and the victims, because both of you have said things and done things to hurt one another. The only way to reconcile is if you both are sorry and regretful of what was said.
Don't casually throw the word I am sorry around, because the more you use it the harder it is to convince others of their sincerity. You may end up causing more damage with a half-hearted apology, and might never be able to reconcile things with them again. When you care about someone and you have heard that they are talking about you behind your back, spreading lies, rumors or whatever the case maybe, again I ask you to consider the source, and if that person is reliable, you should go directly to the person that supposedly said the things about you, confront them, but come at them in a caring and concerned manner. Don't come in hostile and upset because you are only going to isolate and alienate them and automatically they are going to be on the defensive. Take the time to cool down, let the hurt subside a little and bring it up in casual conversation at some later date, when you know your temper isn't going to flare. If you come across this way you most likely will avoid causing a fight and making the situation worse. No one ever likes to hear that someone has been talking about them, and that they things being said are totally untrue and fabricated. They hurt, and you are wounded and you want to find out right away why they have said what they have, but trust me if you take the time to think about what was said and divorce your emotions from it, you can come at it without causing a fight and hurting each other more.
I started writing this because I heard from my friend that my Ex-boyfriend told his boyfriend that I had intentionally tried to give them Hepatitis C. Now, I had called my ex, to tell him that I was diagnosed with the virus because we had been having sex for several months together and I was concerned I might have passed it on to him. Now, I haven't been sleeping with my friend or his ex so there was no way I could have given it to them. So what could have possibly made my ex tell his ex that stuff, and then it dawned on me that either he thought that I may have given him a tainted needle or shared one with them, or worse yet, that my ex had been sleeping with his ex and that could have passed it on. However, after starting to write this entry, I started thinking about the situation more closely and I figured out what the problem was and which of the two scenarios mentioned above it could have possibly have been. Now, mind you I had tried to call my ex and talk to him, and sent him an email asking him to contact me because I was told something that needed to be cleared up. But, now that I have been writing this and my emotions over the situation are gone and I know why what was said was. It all makes sense and I am going to spell it out for you here. I have no shame and nothing to hide, so forgive me as I tell what I do know and why I was slandered in the way that I was. Sometimes a person will say something to someone else in an attempt to save face, and cast blame on another person to throw off suspicion. I honestly believe this is what was attempted here.
Mark which is my friend Gavin's ex, and Bobby which is my ex have been partying together, and apparently have had sex. Even though both Greg and I have been told that it never happened, but the stories don't add up, and at this point it doesn't matter because we were all single at the time, however both Greg and I were trying to get back together with Mark and Bobby, so I am not sure how this revelation is going to affect Gavin and Mark, but I am going to let this go. I love Bobby and I want to spend my time with him and I want to get to know the real Bobby, so in order to do that I am going to have to chalk this little rumor up to the game and then rest it. Because it isn't worth me getting worked up about or ruining any chance I may have of working things out with Bobby. See anyone who knows me at all would know that I would never intentionally give anyone anything, because that is one of my biggest fears and concerns. Further, I would never intentionally share a syringe with anyone trying to make them ill. I would sterilize it and clean it if there were no other options, as I have always done, I used to clean and sterilize my own before use because of what happened too me.
So now, that I opened the can of worms I am going to explain to you how I know what I know and figured out this little situation. First, let me continue with my story, in the July of 2006 I had a birthday party for a friend and it was the first time I had ever slammed. Which means shoot up meth. I had always been against trying it because I was afraid of needles, but once I experienced it, and the difference in the high and the length of time it lasted, it quickly became the preferred way for me to do the drug. However in that first time was the mistake, because the syringes used between me and partner at the time were switched and I was given HIV, and it was done intentionally by another person. So you see me doing that to someone else would be out of the question. Anyhow, after Gavin and I got off the phone last night I realized that just a couple of months ago, shortly after the time I found out that I had Hep C and had told Bobby that I had it, he confided in me that he had syphilis, and recently I found out that Mark had given Gavin syphilis around the same time period, and I was on the phone with Bobby when he was going over to hang with Mark and party, they were supposed to call me back but I didn't hear from Bobby for a couple of days. Putting the time line together after talking with Gavin made me realize that Bobby and Mark had been having sex and that is how Bobby got syphilis. It also dawned on me that Bobby might have been afraid of giving Mark Hep C so told him that I may have given them tainted needles. Now I am sure Mark doesn't think that because Mark knows my history and my fears about that, he also lived with me and knows how meticulous I am with syringes and how they have to be cleaned and bleached even when I am just throwing them away, and how they have to be put in a container so no one can get stuck accidentally and so forth. But, for it to come to Gavin like that really hurt me.
Now I have told you that I am going to let this go and that I am not going to pursue this any further then this blog entry, and I intend to stick with that. But, I hope you can see how casually throwing around words can hurt someone, and if what Bobby had said was to anyone else, who didn't know my history, wasn't my friend, you can see how differently this could have gone and how dangerous the words were. I was hurting last night, and like I said feeling betrayed and devastated, but now that I have had time to think about things and figure out some of the lies that have been told to me. I realize that a secret was trying to be buried at my expense. I am not sure if Bobby and I will ever get back together there are other circumstances that are standing in the way, if it doesn't happen it will not be for the lack of me trying and won't be because of this questionable act.
I know that words hurt, they have power, and now you should too. Be careful what you say, how you say it, and mind the tone and manner in which it is said. All of these variable make a kind word into a damaging one. Remember the pain a word can cause is as real as a knife wound, and they may never actually heal properly, but they can be gotten past. Don't let your hurt and pride make you lash out on someone, divorce your feelings from the situation and come at it from a different angle so that it is non-threatening. Above all else be mindful of how and how often you use the words "I am Sorry" because as I have said they become meaningless the more they are used. Learn how to forgive, never forget, and move on. You will be that much happier in the long run when you can do that.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
When you are wounded by words, your faith is shaken, your trust in people is warped and you feel altogether vulnerable. Even if you defend yourself against what was said there are going to be some people that are going to give credence to what has been said about you because of your objections. See, I learned from a really smart woman that if you disagree, you give credence to the allocations against you. In her last interview Jacqueline Kennedy Onasis was asked about all the biographies that have been written about her, and the apparent discrepancies about her life. Her reply was this "Why should I defend myself, I was there and only I know what truly happened, and if I voiced out and disagreed with them, some of the people would think that I had something to hide and defend upon, but if I keep quiet only those who were with me and I alone will know the truth and that is enough for me."
Very wise words from a very wise woman, see given her experiences and suffering that she went through she realized that by denying and putting up a defense against what was leveled at her and her life would just make people have a doubt about her. But, by keeping quiet she took her secrets to her grave and the truth of her life unvarnished in the eyes of the public. It is my hope that I can be as strong and wise as her. Because you see words can cut, slice, shred and tear at ones heart and soul, and even time and distance only causes the hurt to scab over. At sometime in the future a word or series of words will bust that wound wide open again.
Some of the time words that are said are said as weapons, filled with anger and hurt themselves and I think that is what gives them the power. At other times, even a casual word between two friends can be taken the wrong way and cause pain. Yet, another way is when something is told to another person behind your back and it was never intended to get back to you. Either the person making the statement never thought you would hear it or they were trying to impress someone else at your expense, or worse yet, they were using you to manipulate a certain situation to gain favor. Whatever the case may be the truth of the matter is that words do hurt and wound not only the heart, but the mind, body and soul as well. Word can be cruel and bitter, they can do a great deal of damage, but the reverse is also true, a well timed kind word can build another person up and make them feel so good about themselves.
Please think about the words you carelessly throw out, because words have power and can be used to destroy or fortify a person depending on the way they are used. Take into account the source of the where they are coming from, and whether they are said out of anger or of love. As I pointed out earlier if the words are full of anger and hurt, they are going to wound you deepest, but you must remember that they were said in the heat of the moment, and when things calm down they may be quickly taken back by the person who said them. However, you must keep in mind that you may have said some things in return that were just as spiteful and hurtful as they said to you, and "I'm Sorry" only goes so far, and if used too many times, has no power at all.
If we repeatedly endure the same types of words, filled with anger, hate, and spite, telling someone you are sorry afterward, the person is going to stop accepting them, stop believing them, and become immune to them. If you are truly sorry after everything has been said and done, and you have learned something about yourself and truly are sorry and seeking forgiveness, you are going to have to show them you are sorry, you are going to have to prove to them that you have changed and that you aren't going to abuse them with your words anymore. This is a long, long process, and as I said before may never fully heal. Now everyone fights, and gets angry, they lash out and say things they don't mean in the heat of a fight or argument, and that was what I was talking about when I said that you have to take into account where those words are stemming from, you have to remember the situation, because both of you may both regret the things that were said and the healing process will be that much quicker and smoother if that is the case. But, no matter if what you are not the only victim here, in a battle of words and wit neither of you are the winner, you are both the looser's, and the victims, because both of you have said things and done things to hurt one another. The only way to reconcile is if you both are sorry and regretful of what was said.
Don't casually throw the word I am sorry around, because the more you use it the harder it is to convince others of their sincerity. You may end up causing more damage with a half-hearted apology, and might never be able to reconcile things with them again. When you care about someone and you have heard that they are talking about you behind your back, spreading lies, rumors or whatever the case maybe, again I ask you to consider the source, and if that person is reliable, you should go directly to the person that supposedly said the things about you, confront them, but come at them in a caring and concerned manner. Don't come in hostile and upset because you are only going to isolate and alienate them and automatically they are going to be on the defensive. Take the time to cool down, let the hurt subside a little and bring it up in casual conversation at some later date, when you know your temper isn't going to flare. If you come across this way you most likely will avoid causing a fight and making the situation worse. No one ever likes to hear that someone has been talking about them, and that they things being said are totally untrue and fabricated. They hurt, and you are wounded and you want to find out right away why they have said what they have, but trust me if you take the time to think about what was said and divorce your emotions from it, you can come at it without causing a fight and hurting each other more.
I started writing this because I heard from my friend that my Ex-boyfriend told his boyfriend that I had intentionally tried to give them Hepatitis C. Now, I had called my ex, to tell him that I was diagnosed with the virus because we had been having sex for several months together and I was concerned I might have passed it on to him. Now, I haven't been sleeping with my friend or his ex so there was no way I could have given it to them. So what could have possibly made my ex tell his ex that stuff, and then it dawned on me that either he thought that I may have given him a tainted needle or shared one with them, or worse yet, that my ex had been sleeping with his ex and that could have passed it on. However, after starting to write this entry, I started thinking about the situation more closely and I figured out what the problem was and which of the two scenarios mentioned above it could have possibly have been. Now, mind you I had tried to call my ex and talk to him, and sent him an email asking him to contact me because I was told something that needed to be cleared up. But, now that I have been writing this and my emotions over the situation are gone and I know why what was said was. It all makes sense and I am going to spell it out for you here. I have no shame and nothing to hide, so forgive me as I tell what I do know and why I was slandered in the way that I was. Sometimes a person will say something to someone else in an attempt to save face, and cast blame on another person to throw off suspicion. I honestly believe this is what was attempted here.
Mark which is my friend Gavin's ex, and Bobby which is my ex have been partying together, and apparently have had sex. Even though both Greg and I have been told that it never happened, but the stories don't add up, and at this point it doesn't matter because we were all single at the time, however both Greg and I were trying to get back together with Mark and Bobby, so I am not sure how this revelation is going to affect Gavin and Mark, but I am going to let this go. I love Bobby and I want to spend my time with him and I want to get to know the real Bobby, so in order to do that I am going to have to chalk this little rumor up to the game and then rest it. Because it isn't worth me getting worked up about or ruining any chance I may have of working things out with Bobby. See anyone who knows me at all would know that I would never intentionally give anyone anything, because that is one of my biggest fears and concerns. Further, I would never intentionally share a syringe with anyone trying to make them ill. I would sterilize it and clean it if there were no other options, as I have always done, I used to clean and sterilize my own before use because of what happened too me.
So now, that I opened the can of worms I am going to explain to you how I know what I know and figured out this little situation. First, let me continue with my story, in the July of 2006 I had a birthday party for a friend and it was the first time I had ever slammed. Which means shoot up meth. I had always been against trying it because I was afraid of needles, but once I experienced it, and the difference in the high and the length of time it lasted, it quickly became the preferred way for me to do the drug. However in that first time was the mistake, because the syringes used between me and partner at the time were switched and I was given HIV, and it was done intentionally by another person. So you see me doing that to someone else would be out of the question. Anyhow, after Gavin and I got off the phone last night I realized that just a couple of months ago, shortly after the time I found out that I had Hep C and had told Bobby that I had it, he confided in me that he had syphilis, and recently I found out that Mark had given Gavin syphilis around the same time period, and I was on the phone with Bobby when he was going over to hang with Mark and party, they were supposed to call me back but I didn't hear from Bobby for a couple of days. Putting the time line together after talking with Gavin made me realize that Bobby and Mark had been having sex and that is how Bobby got syphilis. It also dawned on me that Bobby might have been afraid of giving Mark Hep C so told him that I may have given them tainted needles. Now I am sure Mark doesn't think that because Mark knows my history and my fears about that, he also lived with me and knows how meticulous I am with syringes and how they have to be cleaned and bleached even when I am just throwing them away, and how they have to be put in a container so no one can get stuck accidentally and so forth. But, for it to come to Gavin like that really hurt me.
Now I have told you that I am going to let this go and that I am not going to pursue this any further then this blog entry, and I intend to stick with that. But, I hope you can see how casually throwing around words can hurt someone, and if what Bobby had said was to anyone else, who didn't know my history, wasn't my friend, you can see how differently this could have gone and how dangerous the words were. I was hurting last night, and like I said feeling betrayed and devastated, but now that I have had time to think about things and figure out some of the lies that have been told to me. I realize that a secret was trying to be buried at my expense. I am not sure if Bobby and I will ever get back together there are other circumstances that are standing in the way, if it doesn't happen it will not be for the lack of me trying and won't be because of this questionable act.
I know that words hurt, they have power, and now you should too. Be careful what you say, how you say it, and mind the tone and manner in which it is said. All of these variable make a kind word into a damaging one. Remember the pain a word can cause is as real as a knife wound, and they may never actually heal properly, but they can be gotten past. Don't let your hurt and pride make you lash out on someone, divorce your feelings from the situation and come at it from a different angle so that it is non-threatening. Above all else be mindful of how and how often you use the words "I am Sorry" because as I have said they become meaningless the more they are used. Learn how to forgive, never forget, and move on. You will be that much happier in the long run when you can do that.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Tragedy in 3 acts makes for an inspirational person
I have been told that my life has been full of blessings and that I am a true inspiration. I agree that I live a very blessed life, but it is because there are hundreds of people keeping me in their thoughts and prayers. I have been approached recently to write a book about my story, and since you are my friends and family, I thought I would share with you what it is going to be about. Now, keep in mind that this is just a taste of what the book is going to contain, so be patient and understanding that you are getting a condensed version and be honored you are getting the first peak.
The title of this entry says it all I have broken my life down into 3 acts or parts, it is from each of these tragedies and triumphs that have shaped and molded me and my outlook on things. It is important I guess to start at the beginning and work my way through each portion of my life and key events that make up the story and the act. So without any more delay we shall begin.
I was born on December 1, 1968 I was a month earlier so I have been told, my mother never made it to the maternity ward before I decided enough was enough and came bursting forth. The delivery started in the elevator on the way to the delivery room. I had started to come fast so they rushed my mom into delivery choosing not to have me drop out on the elevator floor. Unfortunately, the doctor used forceps to deliver me, even though earlier in the year they had been banned as delivery tools. As I said I was in a hurry to go no where, the forceps were used and my skull was fractured. I made no sound when I came into the world and I was blue from head to toe. I am told that my mother never got to see me, I was taken directly to an incubator, and was deemed in critical condition. I was never meant to leave that hospital, but God had other plans. Plans that are still unfolding in my life today.
My parents were told that I was under weight and with the fractured skull I was going to be a vegetable and if by some miracle I wasn't I was going to have severe brain damage and would never be a normal kid. Surprise surprise, God had other plans, because here I a 43 years later writing to you. I shouldn't be able to walk or talk, let alone write and communicate like I do. But God works in mysterious ways and I am here to tell you my story. By the age of five it had become evident that there were no impairments and that I was highly intelligent if a little hyperactive. End of act one!
The second tragedy came when I was 14 years old, I was experiencing severe headaches, blurred vision and having trouble focusing on objects. The doctors told my parents that the muscles that surround the lenses of my eyes were weak and that was causing the vision issues I was having. But that wasn't the end of it. While I was at school playing with some friends I got poked in the eye with a tree branch. Again the doctors were full of doom and gloom and by the age of 18 I was supposed to be totally blind. They covered my right eye with a patch to protect it put me in bifocal glasses and told my parents to hope for the best. Blood filled the injured eye and started showing around the socket of the left eye. So for a period of 4 months I was patched on both eyes and wasn't able to see anything. A neat thing about the body is that it compensates for stuff like that and my hearing became very sensitive and acute I can here a whisper all away across the house. I also learned how to sit in a crowd and listen to everyone's conversations and never move and could identify just by sound who was talking and somehow my mind has developed the ability to process each conversation and follow along all in real time. By the time I was 16 a miracle of miracles happened, my headaches started to subside and it was discovered that the cause of them was never my eye site which improved after the injury to the point I no longer had to wear bifocals just regular glasses. Yet somehow my hearing never returned to normal. I still can hear the lightest sounds. It turns out that the headaches were a direct result of the fractured skull and when the barometric pressure changes the headaches begin. Unfortunately, I still suffer from that today. But I got super hearing out of the deal. End of act two!
I was diagnosed with leukemia and large cell lymphoma when I turned 24 ('92), they found a metastasized tumor in my colon 8" long x 5" wide. It had serrated edges and had ulcerated in the middle. I underwent 2 years of chemotherapy and radiation and the tumor was eradicated. However, during my last round of radiation, the bowel wall perforated and waste and radiation poured into my pelvic area. I got really sick with toxaplasmosis and stayed in the hospital for almost 9 months trying to get better. It wasn't until 13 years later ('05) that I would find out what that radiation was doing to my body. Apparently large sections of my colon died from radiation disease and poisoning and there were several small sections of the small intestine affected as well. In 2005, I was given a colostomy, a bag that helps me to take a dump, sorry for being so graphic. I have had 9 major surgeries since then, found out that my kidney's were failing, that I had contracted HIV an HEP C, that my gallbladder, bladder, pancreas and stomach were all affected by the radiation and that they are slowly giving out. Then on March 5th of this year my colon ruptured in 2 places and I almost died again. When this happened I couldn't get anyone to listen to me, they kept telling me that the pain I was feeling was from the procedure I had done in the morning. Now in my life I have had a million colonoscopy's if I have had one. So I knew that they were wrong in what they were saying. Finally a nurse that no one seems to know who has never worked on that floor and has never been seen again, intervened with the doctor and got a cat scan of my abdomen and the ruptures were discovered. I have tried to find this woman again, I wanted to nominate her for the angel service award they give at the hospital and no one knows who she was.
I believe that God has walked with me through all this, he has carried me when I was too weak to move, and He delivered me from the hands of death just when it looked like I was going to die. After everything that I have been through and there is so much more that I haven't told you. I hope you can begin to see why I don't let the small things get to me, and I always try to look at the bright side of things. Because life is too short, we are not promised a new tomorrow and we need to be thankful for each day that we can draw another breathe. I don't think I am all that inspirational, but I have been told that my strength and faith that keep me fighting are remarkable and inspire others to have hope and faith that they too can make it through the tough, hard and tragic times of their own lives.
I hope that maybe I have inspired just one person, have given hope to one person, and always can live my life as an example that you can overcome illness. That there is life after, HIV and cancer and you can still be a productive and supportive person and help others.
Let me know what you think. This is my real story, and I would love to know if you think that I should take up the offer to write a book about my experiences and if you think anyone will benefit from it.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
The title of this entry says it all I have broken my life down into 3 acts or parts, it is from each of these tragedies and triumphs that have shaped and molded me and my outlook on things. It is important I guess to start at the beginning and work my way through each portion of my life and key events that make up the story and the act. So without any more delay we shall begin.
I was born on December 1, 1968 I was a month earlier so I have been told, my mother never made it to the maternity ward before I decided enough was enough and came bursting forth. The delivery started in the elevator on the way to the delivery room. I had started to come fast so they rushed my mom into delivery choosing not to have me drop out on the elevator floor. Unfortunately, the doctor used forceps to deliver me, even though earlier in the year they had been banned as delivery tools. As I said I was in a hurry to go no where, the forceps were used and my skull was fractured. I made no sound when I came into the world and I was blue from head to toe. I am told that my mother never got to see me, I was taken directly to an incubator, and was deemed in critical condition. I was never meant to leave that hospital, but God had other plans. Plans that are still unfolding in my life today.
My parents were told that I was under weight and with the fractured skull I was going to be a vegetable and if by some miracle I wasn't I was going to have severe brain damage and would never be a normal kid. Surprise surprise, God had other plans, because here I a 43 years later writing to you. I shouldn't be able to walk or talk, let alone write and communicate like I do. But God works in mysterious ways and I am here to tell you my story. By the age of five it had become evident that there were no impairments and that I was highly intelligent if a little hyperactive. End of act one!
The second tragedy came when I was 14 years old, I was experiencing severe headaches, blurred vision and having trouble focusing on objects. The doctors told my parents that the muscles that surround the lenses of my eyes were weak and that was causing the vision issues I was having. But that wasn't the end of it. While I was at school playing with some friends I got poked in the eye with a tree branch. Again the doctors were full of doom and gloom and by the age of 18 I was supposed to be totally blind. They covered my right eye with a patch to protect it put me in bifocal glasses and told my parents to hope for the best. Blood filled the injured eye and started showing around the socket of the left eye. So for a period of 4 months I was patched on both eyes and wasn't able to see anything. A neat thing about the body is that it compensates for stuff like that and my hearing became very sensitive and acute I can here a whisper all away across the house. I also learned how to sit in a crowd and listen to everyone's conversations and never move and could identify just by sound who was talking and somehow my mind has developed the ability to process each conversation and follow along all in real time. By the time I was 16 a miracle of miracles happened, my headaches started to subside and it was discovered that the cause of them was never my eye site which improved after the injury to the point I no longer had to wear bifocals just regular glasses. Yet somehow my hearing never returned to normal. I still can hear the lightest sounds. It turns out that the headaches were a direct result of the fractured skull and when the barometric pressure changes the headaches begin. Unfortunately, I still suffer from that today. But I got super hearing out of the deal. End of act two!
I was diagnosed with leukemia and large cell lymphoma when I turned 24 ('92), they found a metastasized tumor in my colon 8" long x 5" wide. It had serrated edges and had ulcerated in the middle. I underwent 2 years of chemotherapy and radiation and the tumor was eradicated. However, during my last round of radiation, the bowel wall perforated and waste and radiation poured into my pelvic area. I got really sick with toxaplasmosis and stayed in the hospital for almost 9 months trying to get better. It wasn't until 13 years later ('05) that I would find out what that radiation was doing to my body. Apparently large sections of my colon died from radiation disease and poisoning and there were several small sections of the small intestine affected as well. In 2005, I was given a colostomy, a bag that helps me to take a dump, sorry for being so graphic. I have had 9 major surgeries since then, found out that my kidney's were failing, that I had contracted HIV an HEP C, that my gallbladder, bladder, pancreas and stomach were all affected by the radiation and that they are slowly giving out. Then on March 5th of this year my colon ruptured in 2 places and I almost died again. When this happened I couldn't get anyone to listen to me, they kept telling me that the pain I was feeling was from the procedure I had done in the morning. Now in my life I have had a million colonoscopy's if I have had one. So I knew that they were wrong in what they were saying. Finally a nurse that no one seems to know who has never worked on that floor and has never been seen again, intervened with the doctor and got a cat scan of my abdomen and the ruptures were discovered. I have tried to find this woman again, I wanted to nominate her for the angel service award they give at the hospital and no one knows who she was.
I believe that God has walked with me through all this, he has carried me when I was too weak to move, and He delivered me from the hands of death just when it looked like I was going to die. After everything that I have been through and there is so much more that I haven't told you. I hope you can begin to see why I don't let the small things get to me, and I always try to look at the bright side of things. Because life is too short, we are not promised a new tomorrow and we need to be thankful for each day that we can draw another breathe. I don't think I am all that inspirational, but I have been told that my strength and faith that keep me fighting are remarkable and inspire others to have hope and faith that they too can make it through the tough, hard and tragic times of their own lives.
I hope that maybe I have inspired just one person, have given hope to one person, and always can live my life as an example that you can overcome illness. That there is life after, HIV and cancer and you can still be a productive and supportive person and help others.
Let me know what you think. This is my real story, and I would love to know if you think that I should take up the offer to write a book about my experiences and if you think anyone will benefit from it.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Monday, July 23, 2012
Can you actually change who you really are?
I was watching the second episode of Perception, a new series on TNT, this afternoon and the question was posed at the end of the program. "Can you actually change who you really are?" Now in the past we talked about the masks we where, and how we use them to shield and protect us from emotional hurt. These masks are what the world around us see's and perceives us to be. When we talked about them, I explored that a person doesn't actually change, they way we see them and interact with them does, as we relax and drop our masks. But the bigger question to me is can a person really change? Does the core value system of a person adapt and change over time? Two very separate questions and two different answers. But I honestly believe that change comes through our experience. But our core value system remains the same through-out our life time.
In all honesty, unless something major happens in a person's life there is very little change from the person they were in let's say high school and college. No matter what occupation, how many partners and how many times they move around. A person pretty much doesn't change. Change comes from the result of an action, accident or injury. A tragedy of some sort or trauma, that causes someone to reinvent themselves or to accommodate something. Change is driven by an outside force in almost all cases. Using myself as case in point, it took serious illness to motivate me to change my life, lifestyle, habits and of course how I looked at myself.
Not all change is for the better. Over the past twelve years I have changed a lot, grown a lot, and in some small ways matured a little. I can tell you that the first changes were not for the better, as a matter of fact they were driven by a deep abiding depression that lasted for years. Out of that depression came a self-crisis, loss of identity, direction, and ultimately a certain pattern for self-destruction, and that was to last for almost seven years. Only till more tragedy piled on top of what I was already facing, forced me to turn my gaze inside and do some really deep introspection. Change became necessary to accommodate physical limitations and damage done to my body. The specter of dying motivated me to seek answers and become more philosophical, spiritual and ultimately turn my life in a totally new direction.
Trauma, injury, illness are great motivators, they can be major or minor, but unless you experience one of them, I personally don't think that you can possibly change yourself. You aren't forced to reconcile yourself with the problems, you can avoid them, bury them and remain the same. However, when tragedy or one of the others strikes you and those you care about, change is forced upon you. You have to adapt to the new situation, you have to maybe compromise and look deep within yourself. You have to be brutally honest with yourself and those around you. You have to be looking to change and understand what motivates your wanting to change.
However, no matter how much you change aspects of your life, I believe that your core ideal stay the same. You are still going to be the loving, kind person that you were, looking to help others, like me. Or you are going to still be selfish, unfeeling, vindictive, but that might be the very aspect you want to change because your tragedy or trauma has pointed you to those exact flaws. It took me a while to understand and comprehend, a person cannot want to change and just do it. There has to be a driving force or action that has caused them to change.
A person who abuses women, hits them, looses his temper quickly and is violent. Is not going to feel remorse all of sudden for the actions that he has committed. What he does to one he will continue to do to others. Now if the same person found out that he was dying and had only a few months to live, the story might be different. He might realize that he doesn't want to be alone and fight by himself, that he needs others to support him and help him through his illness. Thus an impetus for change. Just like with a habit or an addiction, you might want to at times give up that which is holding you down, like a habit, but unless something moves you out of the situation you are in, I don't believe you yourself is going to be able to get out of the track you are in. No matter what your intentions, the habit has got you and is keeping you held in place. Even if you meet someone that cares for you and wants to help you get out of the situation you are in. Unless, you are willing to make the change and do something about it and seek help. That person is going to be powerless to help you and might even get hurt in the process of trying to help you out.
Now, lets take a person who has a serious drug habit, and develops a terminal illness because of that drug, would that person be able to change. No! they won't, they may even end up doing more because the drug helps them escape reality, avoid facing and confronting the issue of being ill. However, if the person is wanting to get off the drug, and finds out that they are terminally ill, they may be motivated to make the necessary steps to actually change. In my experience, I used to rationalize to myself that I was doing drugs to help with the pain. I used to say I was doing so I could enjoy having sex and a whole myriad of excuses. The truth was just that they were excuses and the drug was my crutch to help me keep from facing the facts that I was sick and that nothing was going to change my fate.
I will also admit that while I was on drugs, I still tried to help people, and myself, but usually I just made things worse for everyone involved. Because I didn't realize that my attempts to help were only reinforcing their need to use, just like me. I was actually enabling them. I wasn't helping them. It took a lot of prayer and wanting to change to get me out of the situations I had put myself into. I had to make major changes in both my mental outlook as well as my physical location, and I had to realize that by doing the drugs, I was helping my body to surrender to the illness, and I was actually killing myself. It also took another friend to point out to me that I was floating along listless without a sense of self or direction and that it wasn't like me.
As I am reading over this and forcing myself to look at the complexities of the situation I realize that I couldn't have changed if I hadn't realized there was a problem. I wouldn't have stopped doing what I was doing if I hadn't found out that I was going to die. So maybe the answer is when you hit the bottom and have nowhere else to turn, and you start looking at yourself and really become honest with yourself, that you can become motivated to change. Trust me it is hard and scary and most likely you are going to be on your own and alone when this happens, because everyone around you is going to be gone. You have either driven them away with your drug use or abuse, or you have isolated yourself off from everyone, or you have just fallen to the bottom and are clawing and scratching your way back up.
I believe that if you are honest and serious with yourself and you have come to your crossroad, either through tragedy, loss, trauma, or illness you can make the changes you need to escape and ultimately change everything about yourself. I also believe that the culmination of these events and things will help you re-evaluate your core value system and if properly motivated that too can change. They say an old dog can't learn new tricks, but given the right motivation, and inspiration, and lots of support and patience I believe it can. Just like I believe that each of us change and adapt to the situations we find ourselves in. Remember I keep telling over and over again that we are the sum of our experiences, tragedies, triumphs, and choices, decisions and the consequences of every action we take. If that is the case, then our person, personality and persona has to change and adapt each time. These are surface changes and they last and stay with us for awhile, but eventually we revert back to the way we were. It is only through immense emotional, physical trauma, or pain that we truly change.
Honestly, if you change for any other reason than because you had too. You are going to revert. See I had to change what I was doing, or I was going to die. I now have a fighting chance because I have made the changes. But while I was at it, I identified areas that needed improvement and work, and I set out to make those changes too. I decided that I was going for a whole person make over. I am still the loving, gentle, warm person who wants to help everyone, but I also saw how letting people walk on me and use me, manipulate me and ply me with drugs caused me to stay down. So, I decided to come clean and when I did, I found that by admitting and being honest with myself and you and everyone who knows me, that I was free. I also realized that I needed to look out for myself and take care of myself, and that if I didn't do these things no one else would.
I made a change for the better, I have readjusted my focus, and changed my perspective, and I honestly see and react to things much differently now then I did in my past. I have grown and I have matured yes. I have looked for the things that are harder to see, because I want to understand them and comprehend them. But I also changed how I think about things, I use PMA (positive mental attitude) to look at all things, and I put it on every morning. It is just a process of psyching oneself out and making a game out of finding the positive in all things.
I hope this finally makes sense to you. I know that it might be hard to follow my train of though because I jump from thought to thought and it seems like I might be contradicting myself. But I am not. I don't think a person really changes unless they are forced to by outside forces. I also believe that the core value of a person, essentially stays the same no matter how a person changes. Again, I think that outside forces and consequences can make a person totally change. So bottom line is this, no matter how much you try to change your core pulls you back to what you were. Unless you hit rock bottom, or are affected by a tragedy, trauma, or illness of some sort. When you come to the crossroad you will know and you will make the appropriate changes and adapt to the situation accordingly.
I would like to hear your thoughts and opinions about this subject. Feel free to drop me a line, post a comment, or even reach me on facebook or twitter.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
In all honesty, unless something major happens in a person's life there is very little change from the person they were in let's say high school and college. No matter what occupation, how many partners and how many times they move around. A person pretty much doesn't change. Change comes from the result of an action, accident or injury. A tragedy of some sort or trauma, that causes someone to reinvent themselves or to accommodate something. Change is driven by an outside force in almost all cases. Using myself as case in point, it took serious illness to motivate me to change my life, lifestyle, habits and of course how I looked at myself.
Not all change is for the better. Over the past twelve years I have changed a lot, grown a lot, and in some small ways matured a little. I can tell you that the first changes were not for the better, as a matter of fact they were driven by a deep abiding depression that lasted for years. Out of that depression came a self-crisis, loss of identity, direction, and ultimately a certain pattern for self-destruction, and that was to last for almost seven years. Only till more tragedy piled on top of what I was already facing, forced me to turn my gaze inside and do some really deep introspection. Change became necessary to accommodate physical limitations and damage done to my body. The specter of dying motivated me to seek answers and become more philosophical, spiritual and ultimately turn my life in a totally new direction.
Trauma, injury, illness are great motivators, they can be major or minor, but unless you experience one of them, I personally don't think that you can possibly change yourself. You aren't forced to reconcile yourself with the problems, you can avoid them, bury them and remain the same. However, when tragedy or one of the others strikes you and those you care about, change is forced upon you. You have to adapt to the new situation, you have to maybe compromise and look deep within yourself. You have to be brutally honest with yourself and those around you. You have to be looking to change and understand what motivates your wanting to change.
However, no matter how much you change aspects of your life, I believe that your core ideal stay the same. You are still going to be the loving, kind person that you were, looking to help others, like me. Or you are going to still be selfish, unfeeling, vindictive, but that might be the very aspect you want to change because your tragedy or trauma has pointed you to those exact flaws. It took me a while to understand and comprehend, a person cannot want to change and just do it. There has to be a driving force or action that has caused them to change.
A person who abuses women, hits them, looses his temper quickly and is violent. Is not going to feel remorse all of sudden for the actions that he has committed. What he does to one he will continue to do to others. Now if the same person found out that he was dying and had only a few months to live, the story might be different. He might realize that he doesn't want to be alone and fight by himself, that he needs others to support him and help him through his illness. Thus an impetus for change. Just like with a habit or an addiction, you might want to at times give up that which is holding you down, like a habit, but unless something moves you out of the situation you are in, I don't believe you yourself is going to be able to get out of the track you are in. No matter what your intentions, the habit has got you and is keeping you held in place. Even if you meet someone that cares for you and wants to help you get out of the situation you are in. Unless, you are willing to make the change and do something about it and seek help. That person is going to be powerless to help you and might even get hurt in the process of trying to help you out.
Now, lets take a person who has a serious drug habit, and develops a terminal illness because of that drug, would that person be able to change. No! they won't, they may even end up doing more because the drug helps them escape reality, avoid facing and confronting the issue of being ill. However, if the person is wanting to get off the drug, and finds out that they are terminally ill, they may be motivated to make the necessary steps to actually change. In my experience, I used to rationalize to myself that I was doing drugs to help with the pain. I used to say I was doing so I could enjoy having sex and a whole myriad of excuses. The truth was just that they were excuses and the drug was my crutch to help me keep from facing the facts that I was sick and that nothing was going to change my fate.
I will also admit that while I was on drugs, I still tried to help people, and myself, but usually I just made things worse for everyone involved. Because I didn't realize that my attempts to help were only reinforcing their need to use, just like me. I was actually enabling them. I wasn't helping them. It took a lot of prayer and wanting to change to get me out of the situations I had put myself into. I had to make major changes in both my mental outlook as well as my physical location, and I had to realize that by doing the drugs, I was helping my body to surrender to the illness, and I was actually killing myself. It also took another friend to point out to me that I was floating along listless without a sense of self or direction and that it wasn't like me.
As I am reading over this and forcing myself to look at the complexities of the situation I realize that I couldn't have changed if I hadn't realized there was a problem. I wouldn't have stopped doing what I was doing if I hadn't found out that I was going to die. So maybe the answer is when you hit the bottom and have nowhere else to turn, and you start looking at yourself and really become honest with yourself, that you can become motivated to change. Trust me it is hard and scary and most likely you are going to be on your own and alone when this happens, because everyone around you is going to be gone. You have either driven them away with your drug use or abuse, or you have isolated yourself off from everyone, or you have just fallen to the bottom and are clawing and scratching your way back up.
I believe that if you are honest and serious with yourself and you have come to your crossroad, either through tragedy, loss, trauma, or illness you can make the changes you need to escape and ultimately change everything about yourself. I also believe that the culmination of these events and things will help you re-evaluate your core value system and if properly motivated that too can change. They say an old dog can't learn new tricks, but given the right motivation, and inspiration, and lots of support and patience I believe it can. Just like I believe that each of us change and adapt to the situations we find ourselves in. Remember I keep telling over and over again that we are the sum of our experiences, tragedies, triumphs, and choices, decisions and the consequences of every action we take. If that is the case, then our person, personality and persona has to change and adapt each time. These are surface changes and they last and stay with us for awhile, but eventually we revert back to the way we were. It is only through immense emotional, physical trauma, or pain that we truly change.
Honestly, if you change for any other reason than because you had too. You are going to revert. See I had to change what I was doing, or I was going to die. I now have a fighting chance because I have made the changes. But while I was at it, I identified areas that needed improvement and work, and I set out to make those changes too. I decided that I was going for a whole person make over. I am still the loving, gentle, warm person who wants to help everyone, but I also saw how letting people walk on me and use me, manipulate me and ply me with drugs caused me to stay down. So, I decided to come clean and when I did, I found that by admitting and being honest with myself and you and everyone who knows me, that I was free. I also realized that I needed to look out for myself and take care of myself, and that if I didn't do these things no one else would.
I made a change for the better, I have readjusted my focus, and changed my perspective, and I honestly see and react to things much differently now then I did in my past. I have grown and I have matured yes. I have looked for the things that are harder to see, because I want to understand them and comprehend them. But I also changed how I think about things, I use PMA (positive mental attitude) to look at all things, and I put it on every morning. It is just a process of psyching oneself out and making a game out of finding the positive in all things.
I hope this finally makes sense to you. I know that it might be hard to follow my train of though because I jump from thought to thought and it seems like I might be contradicting myself. But I am not. I don't think a person really changes unless they are forced to by outside forces. I also believe that the core value of a person, essentially stays the same no matter how a person changes. Again, I think that outside forces and consequences can make a person totally change. So bottom line is this, no matter how much you try to change your core pulls you back to what you were. Unless you hit rock bottom, or are affected by a tragedy, trauma, or illness of some sort. When you come to the crossroad you will know and you will make the appropriate changes and adapt to the situation accordingly.
I would like to hear your thoughts and opinions about this subject. Feel free to drop me a line, post a comment, or even reach me on facebook or twitter.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Trying to make sense a senseless tragedy
As the aftermath of the senseless shooting in Colorado settles down the media and the rest of us reel trying to make sense of a senseless tragedy. We look for answers to the question, "What could have motivated and educated and smart, young man to do such a thing?" I don't think we are ever going to figure out fully what motivated him or even drove this person do this. I am not sure even he knows, one station said that James Holmes claimed he was the Joker when he was being arrested.
It is hard to imagine an honor's med student, opening up fire in a movie theater and killing 12 people that he didn't know, had no connection with, and then warning police that he had booby trapped his apartment and rigged it to explode when entered. But, this is what we have a real life villain, who died his hair red to match that of the animated and on-screen villain, Joker.
I have even had texts from friends claiming that the movie franchise is cursed, that only death and tragedy follow the series. If that is true thank goodness that this was the third and final installment of this particular dark franchise. Now, the assertion that this franchise is cursed is based on coincidence and I honestly don't think has anything to do with the film at all. The first was Katie Holmes marriage to Tom Cruise ended and she was in the First movie, Heath Ledger who portrayed the Joker in the second movie died of a drug over dose and the third movie twelve unsuspecting people died going to see the movie. These and other rumors and stories are going around the world and the internet today.
It is our societies need to understand and wrap their heads around tragedies like this, our driving need to understand and comprehend why such actions were committed and how we can rationalize and justify all the deaths and murder that have occurred. I honestly don't think that we will ever come to understand the motivations of actions like these. They are violent, senseless, and doesn't seem to be any rationale behind the actions at all. All the questioning of the motives, and asking James Holmes himself, direct and pointed questions are not going to reveal any real information. As I said earlier, I don't believe he even knows or even understands what he has done, let alone will be able to explain his intentions or reasons behind this act. I believe that his mind is trapped somewhere between reality and fantasy, and that he couldn't distinguish his acts from those on the screen. He believed himself to be the villain Joker personified or come to life.
This tragedy could have escalated even further had the police raided his apartment and set off the traps that he had rigged for them. According to the report I read on ABC.Com there was enough explosives in his booby trapped apartment that would have destroyed the building he lived in and severely damaged the other buildings that surround his. More students and faculty at the University would have been killed and hurt, had he not warned the police that his apartment was rigged to explode. Again, I don't know what could have motivated his actions, I don't understand the mind that can rationalize and discard life so easily.
I think it is hard for the rest of us to understand and comprehend his motivations as well. Though we will take the next several days and even weeks trying to sort through this mess, and make sense of the senseless. We may never know the real truth behind this. What was going on in his mind as he committed these acts will forever remain a mystery. Even if he does talk how can we believe and accept what he is saying? There is no sense in the taking a life. There is no rationalization that can justify the behavior that was exhibited, and I don't think any for of punishment will be swift or just enough to handle a crime of this magnitude.
In my mind, this was an act of terrorism, pure and simple evil, unleashing it's deadly and frightening hatred on mankind. It was committed by a hapless, possibly lonely individual, not by a group, or religious faction, it was committed by a smart, educated young man, who quite possibly didn't feel like he fit in anywhere.
My heart goes out to the families of the victims that lost their lives, my prayers are with those injured and in the hospital. I also pray to the Lord for understanding in this matter, and that peace and closure can be granted those that are hurt and grieving because of this. I wish there was some way to understand and make sense of tragedy's like this when they occur, but I don't honestly think that their is ever going to be an true understanding, we might eventually discover the motivations, and infer the rationale used to commit these crimes, and we might even one day piece together a profile for James Holmes like have been done for other serial killers and murders, but I think the true answer lies locked deep within the brain of James Holmes and will never truly be all revealed.
There is no real way for all of America to make sense of this senseless tragedy that took place in Aurora Colorado. Please remember no matter how hard you try to understand why this happened and what could have been done to prevent it...the answer is NOTHING. No one could have known and all that can be done is now being done. I am sorry to say!
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
It is hard to imagine an honor's med student, opening up fire in a movie theater and killing 12 people that he didn't know, had no connection with, and then warning police that he had booby trapped his apartment and rigged it to explode when entered. But, this is what we have a real life villain, who died his hair red to match that of the animated and on-screen villain, Joker.
I have even had texts from friends claiming that the movie franchise is cursed, that only death and tragedy follow the series. If that is true thank goodness that this was the third and final installment of this particular dark franchise. Now, the assertion that this franchise is cursed is based on coincidence and I honestly don't think has anything to do with the film at all. The first was Katie Holmes marriage to Tom Cruise ended and she was in the First movie, Heath Ledger who portrayed the Joker in the second movie died of a drug over dose and the third movie twelve unsuspecting people died going to see the movie. These and other rumors and stories are going around the world and the internet today.
It is our societies need to understand and wrap their heads around tragedies like this, our driving need to understand and comprehend why such actions were committed and how we can rationalize and justify all the deaths and murder that have occurred. I honestly don't think that we will ever come to understand the motivations of actions like these. They are violent, senseless, and doesn't seem to be any rationale behind the actions at all. All the questioning of the motives, and asking James Holmes himself, direct and pointed questions are not going to reveal any real information. As I said earlier, I don't believe he even knows or even understands what he has done, let alone will be able to explain his intentions or reasons behind this act. I believe that his mind is trapped somewhere between reality and fantasy, and that he couldn't distinguish his acts from those on the screen. He believed himself to be the villain Joker personified or come to life.
This tragedy could have escalated even further had the police raided his apartment and set off the traps that he had rigged for them. According to the report I read on ABC.Com there was enough explosives in his booby trapped apartment that would have destroyed the building he lived in and severely damaged the other buildings that surround his. More students and faculty at the University would have been killed and hurt, had he not warned the police that his apartment was rigged to explode. Again, I don't know what could have motivated his actions, I don't understand the mind that can rationalize and discard life so easily.
I think it is hard for the rest of us to understand and comprehend his motivations as well. Though we will take the next several days and even weeks trying to sort through this mess, and make sense of the senseless. We may never know the real truth behind this. What was going on in his mind as he committed these acts will forever remain a mystery. Even if he does talk how can we believe and accept what he is saying? There is no sense in the taking a life. There is no rationalization that can justify the behavior that was exhibited, and I don't think any for of punishment will be swift or just enough to handle a crime of this magnitude.
In my mind, this was an act of terrorism, pure and simple evil, unleashing it's deadly and frightening hatred on mankind. It was committed by a hapless, possibly lonely individual, not by a group, or religious faction, it was committed by a smart, educated young man, who quite possibly didn't feel like he fit in anywhere.
My heart goes out to the families of the victims that lost their lives, my prayers are with those injured and in the hospital. I also pray to the Lord for understanding in this matter, and that peace and closure can be granted those that are hurt and grieving because of this. I wish there was some way to understand and make sense of tragedy's like this when they occur, but I don't honestly think that their is ever going to be an true understanding, we might eventually discover the motivations, and infer the rationale used to commit these crimes, and we might even one day piece together a profile for James Holmes like have been done for other serial killers and murders, but I think the true answer lies locked deep within the brain of James Holmes and will never truly be all revealed.
There is no real way for all of America to make sense of this senseless tragedy that took place in Aurora Colorado. Please remember no matter how hard you try to understand why this happened and what could have been done to prevent it...the answer is NOTHING. No one could have known and all that can be done is now being done. I am sorry to say!
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Some Advice, Freely Given...
Yesterday was an eventful day for me, and one that I would like to share with you in a small way. I have a bit of advice that I would like to share with you all, maybe some will heed it, others will ignore it, but all in all I think that it is important for me to say something.
I bought a scooter yesterday, it was a 2008 model and had 3,408 miles on it. I had just paid for the thing and was taking it out for a test run to see how well it worked. Now, keep in mind that I had asked my dad to go with me, he being an experienced motorcycle rider and I being somewhat new to it. However, because he was against me buying it in the first place he wouldn't go. Now, I unfortunately, I have a bad habit of only asking a question 3 times and then I give it up. I really would have liked my dad to come with me, he could have given the scooter a good look over and helped me get it home from where I bought it. But since he wouldn't go so I went on my own, the man was very nice and started it up for me, told me what things he had fixed on it and everything. But I have always been told that you need to drive something when you get it to make sure that it actually works.
Problem is this, since I was a novice it was stupid of me to try. Second, I wasn't wearing the proper footwear or clothing. So when the unexpected happened I was in no way prepared for it. As I pulled out of the parking lot, my thought was to just go a quick round the block and back. Then go get my dad and get the thing home. But here is the thing. I was going along just fine, turned on the side street off the main road and went down to the place where I could make a left turn so I could head back the way I came. I was coming from a complete stop turning right and as I started to go I felt a jolt from the back, not being experienced I only grabbed the front brakes and the next thing I know I was laying in a ditch with the scooter on top of my leg. Now apparently, I had hit the road with my head and shoulder as the bike went sliding across the road dragging me with it. I found my self in the ditch with major amounts of blood all over me. I didn't think I was seriously injured, was waving my hands flagging down an approaching car. I needed help to get the scooter upright and on it's kick stand because I couldn't get it moving on my own. I noticed that the fiberglass body and shell were broken keeping it from moving. Anyhow, a young man on a bike came up while the car and it's passengers were trying to help me. Within 5 minutes there were a lot of people milling around watching what was going on. When the cops got there they asked me what had happened, so I told them what I knew which apparently wasn't much. No one on the scene actually saw what happened and my recollection of the facts seems to have some missing pieces.
It wasn't until the paramedics got me on a backboard and stretcher to take me to the emergency room that I started feeling any pain, disorientation or confusion. I guess that the adrenalin spike in my blood had kept me from noticing anything. When the officer's asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital I said no, but again I didn't know how badly I was hurt. It was hot and I wasn't actually thinking I was pretty badly shaken up and I guess upset at myself because I just bought the damn thing and here it was ruined and probably wrecked beyond repair, though I don't know that for sure, and probably won't have any idea till tomorrow seeing as today is a holiday. As I have said I didn't know how badly I was hurt till I got in the ambulance, and was being whisked away to the hospital. My pulse was 130 and climbing and my blood pressure was on the high side. They kept asking if I was on drugs or if I had been drinking etc, but I wasn't thank God. Now, I am the type of person that takes tragedies and makes light of them. I joke about the things that are serious to me and could cause emotional pain. So while I was laughing and joking with the paramedics I heard them talking about the call in report to 911 by a woman in the neighborhood that I was leaving.
Come to find out, the jolt that I felt from the rear was a young girl driving some sort of white car, she approached the stop sign where I was sitting and apparently didn't even try to brake as I was starting to take off. This would be why as I was turning right me and my scooter were facing the left direction in the ditch, she clipped me so hard it spun me around and tossed me across the road and into the ditch on the opposite side of the road facing the wrong way. Now had I known any of this I would have told the officers on the scene, but I didn't and none of them came to the hospital to talk with me. They didn't even get a copy of my license or anything. So at this point I have a wrecked scooter, I am strapped to a backboard with a neck brace on. You can imagine how uncomfortable that was, now lets not forget that I have 55 staples down my abdomen from recent surgery on June 18th. Well all said and done I have 6 mores staples added to my scalp, and had 2 lacerations on my face that were sealed up using dermabond. My knee and shoulder and part of my back are pretty scraped up and my ankle and foot look like hamburger. Please try to remember that I was up and walking around on the scene of the accident had the guy on the bike help me get the scooter standing upright, and had been helped out of the ditch and was walking to the side of the road when the officers and paramedics arrived. What you haven't found out is that because of the adrenalin in my system I had no idea of how badly I was hurt like I kept telling you. When the doctor finally came in and examined me he touched my left ankle, just barely and the pain flared so intense I thought I was going to pass out and the room started spinning. Yep that is right my ankle is also broken.
So what is the morale of the story? What is the advice I want to give? Well here it is. If you are a novice or new to something don't do try it on your own, make sure that someone is with you and if you get into trouble can help you. Second, put in your wallet an emergency contact phone number, reason for this is I was at the hospital for 6 hours and my cell phone was back in my truck at the scooter place and I had no idea what anyone's number was. I didn't know how to get in touch with my dad or mom or anyone else. Thank goodness that my father has also been a patient at the hospital and they were able to look up his account information and call him for me. Otherwise, I would still be sitting there waiting for someone to come and get me, because the hospital wasn't going to let me go out on my own. More advice too you, if you are trying something new make sure that you are dressed appropriately and wearing the proper shoes. I should never have gotten on the scooter wearing flip flops and had I been wearing proper clothing and shoes the extent of my injuries would have been a lot less. Another thing, if riding a motorcycle or scooter and you are like me a novice at it, take the precaution of wearing a helmet. Had I been wearing a helmet yesterday I wouldn't have hit my head so hard that I had to have the staples on my scalp, and wouldn't have the lacerations where my sun glasses arm broke off and cut my eyebrow from one end to the other, and the abrasions and contusions on my face wouldn't have happened either.
There is no harm in taking the right precautions and doing things the right way, and if you don't know what you are doing take the time to stop and ask someone. Don't end up like now owning a piece of busted up junk and having to deal with the pain of a broken ankle and then trying to figure out if I am going to try and keep the scooter and have it repaired or take the loss and right off the money I paid for it because they are never going to find the girl that hit me and since I didn't have any motorcycle insurance because I just purchased the vehicle it is my total loss and responsibility. However, circumstances would be different if the other party comes forward and admits what happened, then I could get a claim against their insurance.
Heed my words, take things slowly and if you aren't sure about something don't do it, and if someone is being stubborn and obtuse because they don't necessarily like your decision let them know the extent of your discontent with them. Which is what I should have done with my father. I am an adult and I needed his help and expertise but he wanted to act like a child and punish me and here I am hurt and angry and out quite a bit of money.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
I bought a scooter yesterday, it was a 2008 model and had 3,408 miles on it. I had just paid for the thing and was taking it out for a test run to see how well it worked. Now, keep in mind that I had asked my dad to go with me, he being an experienced motorcycle rider and I being somewhat new to it. However, because he was against me buying it in the first place he wouldn't go. Now, I unfortunately, I have a bad habit of only asking a question 3 times and then I give it up. I really would have liked my dad to come with me, he could have given the scooter a good look over and helped me get it home from where I bought it. But since he wouldn't go so I went on my own, the man was very nice and started it up for me, told me what things he had fixed on it and everything. But I have always been told that you need to drive something when you get it to make sure that it actually works.
Problem is this, since I was a novice it was stupid of me to try. Second, I wasn't wearing the proper footwear or clothing. So when the unexpected happened I was in no way prepared for it. As I pulled out of the parking lot, my thought was to just go a quick round the block and back. Then go get my dad and get the thing home. But here is the thing. I was going along just fine, turned on the side street off the main road and went down to the place where I could make a left turn so I could head back the way I came. I was coming from a complete stop turning right and as I started to go I felt a jolt from the back, not being experienced I only grabbed the front brakes and the next thing I know I was laying in a ditch with the scooter on top of my leg. Now apparently, I had hit the road with my head and shoulder as the bike went sliding across the road dragging me with it. I found my self in the ditch with major amounts of blood all over me. I didn't think I was seriously injured, was waving my hands flagging down an approaching car. I needed help to get the scooter upright and on it's kick stand because I couldn't get it moving on my own. I noticed that the fiberglass body and shell were broken keeping it from moving. Anyhow, a young man on a bike came up while the car and it's passengers were trying to help me. Within 5 minutes there were a lot of people milling around watching what was going on. When the cops got there they asked me what had happened, so I told them what I knew which apparently wasn't much. No one on the scene actually saw what happened and my recollection of the facts seems to have some missing pieces.
It wasn't until the paramedics got me on a backboard and stretcher to take me to the emergency room that I started feeling any pain, disorientation or confusion. I guess that the adrenalin spike in my blood had kept me from noticing anything. When the officer's asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital I said no, but again I didn't know how badly I was hurt. It was hot and I wasn't actually thinking I was pretty badly shaken up and I guess upset at myself because I just bought the damn thing and here it was ruined and probably wrecked beyond repair, though I don't know that for sure, and probably won't have any idea till tomorrow seeing as today is a holiday. As I have said I didn't know how badly I was hurt till I got in the ambulance, and was being whisked away to the hospital. My pulse was 130 and climbing and my blood pressure was on the high side. They kept asking if I was on drugs or if I had been drinking etc, but I wasn't thank God. Now, I am the type of person that takes tragedies and makes light of them. I joke about the things that are serious to me and could cause emotional pain. So while I was laughing and joking with the paramedics I heard them talking about the call in report to 911 by a woman in the neighborhood that I was leaving.
Come to find out, the jolt that I felt from the rear was a young girl driving some sort of white car, she approached the stop sign where I was sitting and apparently didn't even try to brake as I was starting to take off. This would be why as I was turning right me and my scooter were facing the left direction in the ditch, she clipped me so hard it spun me around and tossed me across the road and into the ditch on the opposite side of the road facing the wrong way. Now had I known any of this I would have told the officers on the scene, but I didn't and none of them came to the hospital to talk with me. They didn't even get a copy of my license or anything. So at this point I have a wrecked scooter, I am strapped to a backboard with a neck brace on. You can imagine how uncomfortable that was, now lets not forget that I have 55 staples down my abdomen from recent surgery on June 18th. Well all said and done I have 6 mores staples added to my scalp, and had 2 lacerations on my face that were sealed up using dermabond. My knee and shoulder and part of my back are pretty scraped up and my ankle and foot look like hamburger. Please try to remember that I was up and walking around on the scene of the accident had the guy on the bike help me get the scooter standing upright, and had been helped out of the ditch and was walking to the side of the road when the officers and paramedics arrived. What you haven't found out is that because of the adrenalin in my system I had no idea of how badly I was hurt like I kept telling you. When the doctor finally came in and examined me he touched my left ankle, just barely and the pain flared so intense I thought I was going to pass out and the room started spinning. Yep that is right my ankle is also broken.
So what is the morale of the story? What is the advice I want to give? Well here it is. If you are a novice or new to something don't do try it on your own, make sure that someone is with you and if you get into trouble can help you. Second, put in your wallet an emergency contact phone number, reason for this is I was at the hospital for 6 hours and my cell phone was back in my truck at the scooter place and I had no idea what anyone's number was. I didn't know how to get in touch with my dad or mom or anyone else. Thank goodness that my father has also been a patient at the hospital and they were able to look up his account information and call him for me. Otherwise, I would still be sitting there waiting for someone to come and get me, because the hospital wasn't going to let me go out on my own. More advice too you, if you are trying something new make sure that you are dressed appropriately and wearing the proper shoes. I should never have gotten on the scooter wearing flip flops and had I been wearing proper clothing and shoes the extent of my injuries would have been a lot less. Another thing, if riding a motorcycle or scooter and you are like me a novice at it, take the precaution of wearing a helmet. Had I been wearing a helmet yesterday I wouldn't have hit my head so hard that I had to have the staples on my scalp, and wouldn't have the lacerations where my sun glasses arm broke off and cut my eyebrow from one end to the other, and the abrasions and contusions on my face wouldn't have happened either.
There is no harm in taking the right precautions and doing things the right way, and if you don't know what you are doing take the time to stop and ask someone. Don't end up like now owning a piece of busted up junk and having to deal with the pain of a broken ankle and then trying to figure out if I am going to try and keep the scooter and have it repaired or take the loss and right off the money I paid for it because they are never going to find the girl that hit me and since I didn't have any motorcycle insurance because I just purchased the vehicle it is my total loss and responsibility. However, circumstances would be different if the other party comes forward and admits what happened, then I could get a claim against their insurance.
Heed my words, take things slowly and if you aren't sure about something don't do it, and if someone is being stubborn and obtuse because they don't necessarily like your decision let them know the extent of your discontent with them. Which is what I should have done with my father. I am an adult and I needed his help and expertise but he wanted to act like a child and punish me and here I am hurt and angry and out quite a bit of money.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
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