What happened to old fashion romance and passion in relationships?

I was on the phone with one of my ex's, someone that I was with for quite a while about 25 years ago.  He is  2 years younger than I am and he is now dating a 27 year old.  He was telling me that his sex life has become almost no existent, that there doesn't seem to be any passion or affection outside of the few times they have sex.  Which had gone from 3 or 4 times a weekend to now 1 or 2 times every 3 or 4 weeks.  This got me wondering what happened to old fashion romance and passion, where are the cuddling nights sitting on the couch watching a movie together and snuggling?  Have those days gone by?  Are they gone forever?  That brings me back to how can we ignite our love and make it something real and tangible for every day?

See, I am all too aware that there are some relationships that are based on mutual affection, and then there are some that are based genuinely on love, with those few that are just relationships of convenience. Where two people are sharing the same lives, but not the same dreams and goals.  It must be sad to feel like you are just roommates with an occasional benefit thrown in every once in awhile.  We have talked about relationships in the past and how some are just like business arrangements, that are beneficially mutual to both parties concerned.  But what happens when one of the party develops deeper feelings for the other that is not reciprocated?

This I think is what happens in most gay relationships, they start out good because we, and I am using the term we here because I fall into the same category and pattern here, have a tendency to start our relationships off the wrong way. We meet out in a bar, or sometimes with the advent of the internet and all the dating sites, we start off meeting the person, hanging out and before we know it we are having sex.  We continue to see that person and the sex continues.  Gay men seem to have a misconception that sex and chilling together equates a relationship.  We don't go out on traditional dates, we don't explore the other person fully we just jump into it with both feet so to speak.  Now, again I can only speak from personal experience, but I have found that the longest relationships that I have had I came at them with a different focus.  For example, yes I met Joe my ex of 12 1/2 years by answering a personal add on a computer bulletin board, this is before the internet.  We emailed and spoke to one another daily for 6 moths before we ever met.  We talked about everything and we explored each other before we ever met.  When we did meet I will admit that the first thing we did was have sex.  Then we went to dinner with my best friend and chilled out.  For the first week we were inseparable, then he had to go back to Atlanta for work, but 2 weeks later he was back in Florida at a job site at the beach, I was actually off of work at the time and was able to meet up with him and spent that week together with him also.  We talked about moving me up to Atlanta with him, and he even invited me up for a weekend to see if I liked it.  Well with me being there, his roommate came forward and told him how much he cared about him and a lot of drama ensued.  I ended up coming back to Florida and talking with the management company of the complex I was living at and found that I could transfer my lease up to Atlanta for only $50.00 which is what we decided to do.  Joe and I lived in that apartment in Atlanta for 7 months, most of which time he was never home. I moved to Atlanta and for 5 months he was on the road, and I barely ever saw him.  I had gotten a job and started working the Monday after I had moved up there so there was no lapse in pay for me.    But let me tell you something even doing it that way, getting to know someone via email and text messaging was not enough.  We didn't know each other and didn't give ourselves a chance to get to know one another. Before we knew it we were buying a house together and getting dogs, and before I blinked 5 years had gone by.  We were always arguing and fighting and with him travelling so much, there wasn't very much sex between us.  But it was okay because I went back to school got my bachelors and master's degrees and kept myself busy while he was away.

The long and the short of it is that with the technology of today, people aren't spending time together and learning about each other. They read an online profile, go out on a date and jump right into the sack with the other person.  This doesn't make for a successful relationship at all.  Eventually, there are going to be incompatibilities and things that you learn about one another that may change the dynamic of the relationship. If you really care about the person you are with you have to keep the relationship exciting and full of love and feeling. Each one of you needs to be reaffirmed that the other cares about you and feels the same way you do.  Affection goes part of the way in doing this, but there has to be verbal affirmation as well. You need to hear it as well as feel it.  You need to do simple little things that let the other know what you are feeling towards them. That them running around naked still turns you on and makes you happy.  Hide little gifts around, with notes telling them how special they are an what you think about them.  Keep in mind that for most people a compliment on the way they look and about their personality will go a long way in reassuring them that you still love and care for them.

My advice to you is that if you want to really discover and find someone that cares about you.  Take it slow, get to know them, keep the sex part out of it for as long as you can.  Learn all about them, their likes, their dislikes, their favorite things, go out and explore the world together, and do all of this before ever stepping into the bedroom.  Because honestly sex stirs up emotions and puts strings on things that maybe should be tied up.  I have met tons of people online that advertise that they are looking for casual encounters with no strings attached (NSA).  Guess what that doesn't work for me, because after being with them and having sex  with them several times, I find myself getting attached, and falling for them.  However, as I explained above, I really hadn't gotten to know anything about them, and when it finally and inevitably ends I am the one that is hurting because I connected with that person sexually, I enjoyed being with that person, yet the only thing I truly knew about the person is what they liked to do sexually.  When I tried dating some of them, it would only last a short while because outside of the bedroom we would have nothing in common, and those that I did have something with didn't understand the concept of monogamy.  So what I am trying to tell you is that you might save yourself some heartache and trouble if you take the time upfront to get to know someone really before you ever jump into bed with them.

Then there are those that you have had sexual relationships with that you feel a kind of connection with that you think you might want to explore further, but how do you go from being a Fuck Buddy to a full partner?  The answer is that it can be done but with some difficulty, and patience and a lot of hard work. Because you have to get over the preconceived notions that each of you have built over the casual encounters. You have to take the time to really get to know the person and you have to be willing to start over from scratch, like the past never happened.  You can't walk into it and hope that it will gel and work, because it doesn't happen like that. Further, you can't expect everything to fall into place immediately, both of you are going to be at different places in your lives and you are going to have to work hard to bring them together.  Because the only way that you can make that type of relationship work is if you are willing to join everything together and start over as a single unit.  You can't come at if from two different points of view and expect that your goals, expectations and living situation are just going to fall into alignment.  You have to work together, to make a new starting place, fresh, free from the past and you have to work toward building a future together. As my friend in Seattle once told me, the past is behind, keep hold of the memories, but you have to let go of those feelings and emotions and move forward.  Forward, is the only way that you can possibly be together, you have to start over in a totally new found place where both of you are on equal footing and no one has the advantage.  Get to know one another again, this time from a friend and lover standpoint and not from the sexual standpoint.  You already know what they like to do sexually, but what about the rest of their life. What do you know about that? Are you willing to join in and help them reach their personal goals?  Are you even aware of their personal goals? How do their goals line up with your own?  Then what kind of goals are you and your partner going to want to have together?

See it is very important for you you have a set of goals that provide you a map toward where you are trying to get too.  Each of you should have individual goals that will keep you both moving forward, but for a relationship to work you also have to have common relationship goals that both of you are willing to work on together.  It is extremely important for a relationship to work to have manageable and achievable goals that both of you are willing to work on together.  Plus you have to be willing to support your partners individual goals and they yours.  This will make a sound foundation for the relationship and one that is designed to grow.  If everyone could get to this point the divorce rate in our country would be on the decline instead of constantly rising each year.

So, what I would like to recommend to you at this point no matter in what type of relationship you find yourself in, if you are wanting to make it work and care about each other than you have to learn how to come together and keep it interesting, new and inviting. You are going to have to talk about your own goals and those of your partner, see where each of you can help the other to reach and achieve their goals. You also have to find goals that will keep the relationship moving forward, and growing as well, these are the common goals I was talking to you about. You have to learn how to keep the mystery and romance alive, do little things that remind each other how much you care and what you love about the other one. You also have to talk to one another, be truthful with your fear, dreams, hopes, desires and most importantly your feelings.  Communication and honesty are as important as the affection and sexual parts of the relationship.  Make time to spend with one another and make it romantic and special.  Remember that just because life hasn't presented you with the perfect opportunity, you can make one.  Keep in mind that each moment is unique and special, it is never going to be repeated in the whole of history, so take it and make it unique and special for you and the one that you love.

Surround yourself with positive energy, and friends that are supportive, cling to optimistic people, and shy away from the pessimists, they will hold you back.  Also assess your current friends and loved one, those that are taking more away from you than they are giving are holding you back and keeping you from reaching your full potential you have to cut them loose, let them go.  Remember only you have you own best interest at heart, and those that don't support you or in some way add benefit to your goals, ambitions, and desires you should let them go.  You and your partner do not need to have others hanging around bringing you down, you need people that care about you and are supportive of you both and are willing to build you up.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Gay Relationships and there transitory nature

I find that the gay relationship and the gay definition of love to be somewhat more difficult to pin down and define.  Perhaps the reason why I feel this way is because of their transitory aspect of them.  Let me explain, for some reason gay men seem or appear to change their partners more often then their heterosexual counterparts.    Now, I know this is a broad ranging stereotype and not all gay men change their partners like they do their underwear. Yet, some do! I believe that there is a reason for this and I will explain.  I grew up in the 80's, graduated high school in '86, and joined the Navy in September of that same year.  I met my first lover after boot camp while attending A-school.  We were together for a little more than a year and half in Great Lakes and spent a great deal of time in Chicago. However, he graduated before me and was sent o the fleet.  After he left, I had finally came to terms with my sexuality and my desires and I began to sow my wild oats.  I discovered gay bars, alcohol and men, a lot of men.  When an arriving officer or dignitary would arrive on the ship, they would ring a bell and announce their title. Jokingly, my shipmates would tease me and say that the bells should ring when I came aboard and announce me as the Atlantic Fleet. Because of how many men I had been with.  Now, this is an exaggeration, but there was a time when I was very promiscuous.  Since me and my first had separated, with no set rules or parameters on our relationship.  We eventually did get back together, and went to C-school together spending another 2 years before he was sent back to the fleet. Long story short our off and on again relationship was to endure for seven years total before it ended.  

During that time we both experimented and tried all sorts of different things. What I was going through was what I called my "Slut Phase". I believe that this is something that all gay men go through.  Now hear me out on this...I believe that it is the mental liberation from the norms of society, the revolution of the male psyche and libido as they explore their sexuality.  Hence the instability!  Closeted males are usually pretty straight-laced with their interactions, but really let their hair down and go over the top in their secret adventures, exploring all aspects of the male and female body.  Eventually identifying with which group they feel more able to bond with socially and emotionally. It truly is my belief that we are all born bi-sexual, and that as we develop an affinity forms between which group (male or female) we feel more comfortable with and bond more easily with. I would say that this sexual revolution and experimentation starts in mid-teens and can last all the way up to early 30's.  As gay men get older this trend does seem to slow and calm down for most.  But, there are cases where a person is unable to deal with their sexuality and denies it or continues to hide it til much later in life.  These men may even marry and have families, and sneak out to indulge or scratch their itch on the side.  Only to one day come to the realization that they cannot continue living the lie and hurting everyone they love and care about. These types of situations are usually painful and highly messy. Wife and children feel betrayed and hurt, and don't fully comprehend that this has been a silent and secret battle that has been raging in side of their Husband or Father for his entire life time.  There are the other types that never seem to mature fully and never do come to understand or grasp the concept between love and lust and they will continue to jump from relationship or partner to partner.  But, as I did say as some gay men get older and they mature, they begin to realize what they want and like to settle down and begin building a relationship with another person.

This is just a part of the reason why young gay men find it so hard to settle down and maintain a relationship, the other part is the misconception these young men associate and call love.  Because in actuality as they are going through the "Slut Phase"  lust and hormones are substituted and mistaken for love. It is really easy to confuse intense physical attraction with love and to proceed to try and make a relationship happen. This then brings up a question in my mind, which comes first the relationship or love?  My thoughts on this are mixed, but I will endeavor to explain. Lust and love, flip-sides of the same coin aren't they?  It is hard to have one without the other, though I guess in some cases it can be done. Lust is the initial stages of love, that if nurtured and treated correctly can grow into love. See the key to understanding love is that there has to be a mutual attraction, which is then combined with knowledge, acceptance, and understanding of the other person, this then forms emotional ties that bind the together as one.  To explore does a relationship have to have love to work?  The answer is NO , keeping in mind that two individuals can come together to benefit one another.  This is a relationship that is based on mutual trust and admiration, it is formed as a partnership just like a a business.  Over time, feelings can develop from that base and develop into a healthy and loving relationship. Again, the secret is that Love, in all it forms is a journey or a path that we are on. It is a fragile thing that must be tended and cared for.  It cannot be mishandled or mistreated in anyway or it will simply wilt and die.  With all that being said you may even begin to wonder if love is truly a blessing or a curse.  But I think that really is just a perception, because just as love and lust are flip sides of a coin, so are blessing and curse.  It just depends on how you care to look at.  Love being such a fragile thing can easily turn to hate.  Unfortunate, but true, in the wrong hands love can be a weapon of disastrous proportions or it can be a balm to heal and cure all things.  View point and usage are the two things that can turn it from a blessing to a curse in a heartbeat and vice-versa. 

It is my humble opinion that you need to be wise with your heart, be frugal with your love.  I keep telling you that it is a precious commodity, and once given is very hard to get back, be cognizant of who you give it to and be wary of their intentions. If you are like me and attracted to younger men you need to be aware of the transitory nature of the beast. All men are the same, we have eyes and we often see things that attract us.  The difference is as we get older we have a broader experience base to draw from, and maturity and patience that exceeds that of your younger counterpart.  It is from this experience base that we draw from that keeps us from throwing our partner away on chance encounters.  But, because they don't have the same, you must expect that there might be indiscretions on their part that you may have to weather, if you choose to continue down the road of relationship.  Keeping this in mind I recommend that you should only invest as much love into another person as they return to you.  If the love you give out isn't immediately returned in full measure cut your losses and get out.  You seriously need to get as much as you give!

So my dear friend after careful consideration and exploring the facts, I think it is inevitable as young gay men explore their sexuality and burgeoning libido no matter how desperately they claim to want to settle down and be in a relationship, it is very hard to maintain.  If you are young and gay, I sincerely urge you to explore whatever you can, be safe as you do it and love wisely, be honest with those you enter into relations with, because if you aren't completely 100 percent honest with them you are going to end up hurting yourself and the person you care about. If you are older and more mature and like younger guys, be aware of the transitory nature. Expect to be a player in the cosmic shuffleboard of relationship.  If you are patient enough and understanding enough, and can endure the cheating, you may wake up one day and find that your perseverance has been paid off.

Be wary of how you spend your love and who you give it too! Don't get too wrapped up in the idea of love and miss the genuine thing.  Know who you are getting involved with and protect your heart.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Rekindling a Relationship from embers to full flame--An Experiment

As many of you know I have embarked on a new adventure in my life. I have flung away my past, changed my venue and pretty much all of my friends. Moving to a place where I knew absolutely nobody, an hour and a half from where I grew up. Challenges have presented themselves with my health, yet I took initiative and decided to change my fate on Friday 13th, also known as Freaky Friday, a day that legend states one can revers ones fortunes.  Some of you maybe away that my relationship status changed a few weeks ago from single to it's complicated.  You may have seen my entry on "Gay Relationships and long-distance". Some of you might have guessed that entry and several others have been this change.  Parts of the story have to remain a mystery for just a little while longer yet.  However, there are a few things I can take the liberty of discussing with you! It is not my normal style not to offer full disclosure of events, as you are probably well aware from reading my blog.  But in the interest of mutual agreement we have decided to go this route.  I feel obligated to assuage some or ya'll's fear by giving you a general background on the situation and what our plans entail. But as with all things his is a dynamic, a work in progress, and subject to change without notice.  So without further ado I shall explain.

This relationship is not one of frivolity, it hasn't been entered into lightly at all.  A great deal of energy, sweat, and tears have gone into it.  If my memory serves me correctly, and I am sure if it doesn't I will be corrected.  But I believe this Thanksgiving day will be our five year anniversary. Strange as it may seem and as hard as it is to believe, I think I am right.  Because Sterling and I broke up just prior to then.  It was Sterling who brought us together initially, and another person named Will that kept us together. Now, you have to keep in mind that this relationship has always been open til now.  You might even say that we were FB's (F--k Buddies) that grew to care too much about each other.  Approximately one year ago give or take a few days, tragedy struck and we were separated by distance and illness. At which point I didn't think we would ever see each other again. Plus, my situation in Atlanta rapidly changed as well.  Due to some hard work of some "frienemies" I ended up literally on the streets of Atlanta where I stayed and learned how to survive and chase that paper! Some of you know exactly what I mean! I actually learned the art of hustle.  Let me digress for a brief moment and explain this, I have no regrets about what happened and I most certainly wouldn't change a thing.  I learned a lot of valuable lessons that will go a long way in my life. Back to the details, anyhow in October of last year I met someone named Bobby, that I hit it off really well and for a little while I thought we were going to be a couple.  Well as fate would have it I ended up getting sick and had to have surgery, which eventually let me to call my dad and ask if I could come down to Florida to stay with him.  Of course, I hadn't realized at the time that he wasn't living in Orlando, that him and my step mom had moved to Ormond Beach.  They agreed and in February I moved back to Florida.

I kept in touch with a few people, especially Bobby and I asked him to come down, he said he would  and that he wanted to. That he wanted to give us another try, but here we are in September almost and he still isn't here.  On March 5, 2012 I had a trip planned to go to Atlanta to get my things, visit some friends and possibly get Bobby and bring him back after the weekend was over.  Fate, stepped in again and the trip never actually happened.  My colon ruptured in two places and I started to bleed  to death. I was rushed into emergency surgery, died on the table three times, I am told and spent 29 days in intensive care.  I was told that my prognosis wasn't looking good.  That the doctor's didn't think I would make it till Christmas. So, I got on the computer and I tracked down all my close friends and ex's to let them know what was going on.  One of them is the person this is about by the way! When we talked I found out that he was going through his own battle and struggling with his help as well.  He also chose to inform me at the time he didn't consider us broken up and that we were still together. It took him six months of patient perseverance to break down the walls surrounding my heart and mind to get me to understand that he truly loved me.  Now here's the interesting part we talk, text, chat, Facebook, all day everyday since March. I have had a miraculous recovery.  THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR PRAYERS AND SUPPORT THROUGH THIS!!!! /As of last doctor's visit there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with me whatsoever now.  My prognosis is perfect health.  Can you say AMEN, I believe in the Power of Prayer!!

Here I sit 4 1/2 years later talking with someone that literally had to beat me over the head for me to accept his love. Originally, I was going to go see him, but he had some disappointing news last week, when he called me I could tell how upset he was and so I had him tell me what happened.  Once I found out and heard the sadness and the defeat in his voice, I invited him out here to see me for a visit to see if he liked the area, and to possibly see if this might be a place that he might be willing to move too.  He accepted and will be here on Sunday, September 2, 2012.  I am definitely stoked and excited about this and yes very happy. I am also scared, I want everything to be perfect.  But I know that nothing ever is.  I am also starting to work tomorrow, because I was bored sitting at home and I wanted to get out and meet new people, plus have a little extra cash. So now do you fully understand where I am at?  A 4 1/2 year old FB relationship turned into a serious monogamous new relationship. We both know how we feel toward each other, this past year of separation has made us realize how much we care and need each other.  We could have easily lost each other because of what happened to him and his near death and then mine...

How do I take these smoldering embers of love, lust and passion and fan them back into the roaring flames of desire, romance and ecstasy, with a sprinkling of fantasy thrown in?  Hence the need for my social experiment!

We have the theorem and hypothesis and we postulate that we can accomplish this in a short time frame, and our efforts are going to go into trying to prove and document that they are correct.  Since the subject isn't arriving till next Sunday I cannot give you the answers.  But, I promise you a full report once the experiment concludes.  Here is how the experiment is going to be conducted.  First, subject has a cursory knowledge only of the experiment.  A closed environment is being arranged, a private place at an extended stay for the duration of the visit and experiment.  External variables are going to be minimized, no outside influences will be allowed to enter the test area.  Only the two participants at the hotel! Working on adapting my work schedule so that excursions and adventures can be conducted around the visit.  A whole sprinkling of romantic surprises , including a dinner with the parental units.  Such romantic experiments include walks along the beach together at sunset, shopping excursions to find outfits for his performance dates..unfortunately he has to perform while he is here. Along with apartment/house hunting excursion, followed up with a trip scheduled to visit Tampa, Ft. Lauderdale and Orlando.  Maybe even a visit to the old Mouse of the South himself. Since it has been years since I have been there.  There is even a work trip scheduled to Atlanta and a few other surprise I don't want to lay out here because, MR. MAN does read my blog daily.  Though, currently I think he is 4 days behind and has a lot of reading to catch up on.

I promise the results of this experiment will be published detailing what was done at the conclusion of the experiment.  There shall be a little vlogg interview with the subject giving his views on how this turned out and what he thought of said experiment.  Along with that we plan on releasing a podcast as well.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Do you wish you could really be seen?

Have you ever found yourself the object of attention, someone's ideal but they don't see you at all.  All they really see is the outside, they can't seem to get past the face, the eyes, the mouth, the body.  What they like are your looks and honestly don't care about anything else.  They seem to worship your body, dream of conquering you.  Oh, and never forget the entire time they are telling you how much they care and love you.  How they lie and twist your feelings by telling you what they think you want to hear.  They play on your insecurities making you think you can't live without them, using up your emotions and spitting them out.  Never truly getting to know the real you.  You know the one that is inside, yearning to be taken for more than granted.

Now, when you are young you might think that this type of behavior is fun, that you are wanted, loved and even cared for, but what happens when you are all used up and kicked to the side, replaced with someone younger than you, but as cute as you used to be?  Though it maybe cool for a little while to have others stop and stare, but it will get old in the end there is so much more than being shallow.  You must realize that they have no intention of ever getting to know you, they only want your body.  They only see the physical and dismiss the intellectual.  I know how lonely that can be! I know how you long to be seen as a whole mind, body and soul.  I want you to know my friend you may feel alone and lost seeking love.  Have patience and faith your match will come someday at last. Surround yourself with true friends, the ones who look within and see the person and potential you have.

Open your eyes to those around you who really know you, you may just find your love among them.  They have seen you at your worst and at your best and love you none the less.  Dare to be different and look inside of everyone you meet.  See their courage, talent and potential, get past that exterior mask they wear, especially if you want something that lasts.  Tear down the walls and the masks dare to love the one inside, force it into the light so it can't hide.  Honestly no one likes to be looked at as a conquest or piece of meat.

I hope this poem opens up and expresses what I am trying to say.

When people look at me what do they see?
Do they look beyond my face, eyes and smile?
Why do they only see the body dreaming of what might be.

But they don't know me.

They judge my words and deeds,
But never ever take the chance to see.
Fawning and pawing trying to get to me.

But they don't know me.

Fluttering and chivying, vieing for a place
But all they could see is just my body and my face
Lying cheating trying to seduce

But they don't know me.

Words of lies are aimed to disarm, claiming to care
it is just the mask they wear.
They take and take and never give

But they don't know me.

Oh why won't they take the chance to look inside of me
I have a heart of gold and a love so deep.

But they don't know me.

I feel alone in a crowd
wishing you could hear my thoughts out loud.
I am more than I appear
But you have wasted your shot my dear.
You should have gotten to know me!

I am not a saint, but I am kind
I don't cheat or lie.
And do you know why?
Because I am me
a Man of Integrity.

I wrote this for me and a couple of friends who are going through this right now.  I know how it hard it is too find love and acceptance, and to be lusted after with a vengeance.  Take heart, your true love is out there and when you find them you'll never part.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B