Open a new window via technology of today.

In a world that has grown so cold and impersonal it is funny how we go about making friends these days.  When I was young we met new people at school, the library, roller rink, and other events which required us to meet that person directly face to face and in person.  Today, with the advent of computers and the evolution of software to create social media has changed the world in many ways.  One of which is how we meet and interact with people.  With the internet and then social media barriers and borders were crossed and people started to communicate with people all across the world.  No longer did it actually matter where you lived physically you could and do meet them virtually.

There are all sorts of dating sites and sites designed for you to meet other people casually and there are also sites and applications that let you meet someone looking for a hook up.  But, how do you know if you like the person, how can you be sure that the idea of the person you have in your head is actually the person you are talking to?  See, I believe that each of us creates and image of the person in our heads, we base our image on what their profile says, the pictures that are posted, what they have posted and if you have taken the step to communicate with them directly either over the phone or via video chat.

What happens when you are ready to take that step and meet them socially out in public, face to face?  Is it possible to truly get to know someone on line?  Maybe, but here is my concern about this growing new way of meeting people.  Last night I was talking to you about how to build trust and make a firm foundation for your relationship or friendship, but what do you really know about the cyber person you have been talking to?  Is that really a current picture of him?  Has he been telling you the truth about himself or has he just been telling you stuff that he thinks you want to hear?  Remember you have put yourself on line, you have created a profile and told people about yourself.  What happens when that person is less than truthful and has taken your information off your profile and uses it to make you believe that they are the perfect match for you?

I was reminded just yesterday that this world can be a very dangerous place and there are people out there that have no moral code or ethics.  They have no conscience and have the potential to hurt you, and possibly even kill you.  Several years ago there was a killer that was preying on women on Craigslist, he would entice these women to meet him and he would kill them.  They appropriately name him the Craigslist killer. My point to all of this is to remind you that not everyone is truthful, not everyone has your best interest at heart.  There are people out there that prey on the perceived weaknesses of others.

I am not saying that the person you are talking too is any of those things. However, I want you to be careful, use your head and some common sense before running off to someone's house or hotel. Make sure that someone knows where you are going, and who you are going to see.  That  way God forbid something were to happen to you, the person you told can do something about it if you are gone to long or don't call in at a certain time.  They will know that you are in trouble and can send some help.
With the internet came bulletin boards where you could post ads like you would in the classified section of the news paper.  I actually met, Joe, a person I was with for 12 1/2 years via a bulletin board back in 1996 and we moved to Atlanta together in February of 1997.

But I was cautious when I met him.  He was staying out at Lake Buena Vista, right outside of Disney World in Orlando.  The first time I went to see him I had invited my best friend John along.  John did show up but I had already gone into the hotel and went up to his room.  However, I was on my cellphone with John telling him everything in case something went wrong.  Nothing did and I found out that we really were attracted to each other.  John showed up about 45 minutes later and we all went out to dinner and had a good time.  Joe ended up coming back to Florida 3 more times after that, and I met up with him every time he came.  Eventually he invited me to come to Atlanta and see what it was like.  I immediately fell in love with the city and before you knew it I was packing a U-haul truck and moving up there full time. Joe moved into the apartment with me and within 6 months we put a down payment on a house and we moved into it together.  My dream was coming true.

But the times have changed and the way we communicate has changed drastically from then.  Back in the late 90's cell phones were still pretty big and we had pagers, and someone would page us and we would return the call. Back then there was no such thing as unlimited talk, text and web.  Really there was no web back then either. You dialed up directly to a bulletin board or you used AOL which was an early precursor to Facebook.  Today, everyone is texting , calling, snap chatting, video messaging and using Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.   Because of these new forms of communication we have a new type of relationship that has been born.  It is the virtual relationship or friendship.  However, somethings get lost in translation.  You cannot tell someone's mood or attitude in a text message or instant message.  You can't physically see the person or their body language you can just see the plain old text on the screen.

I have found myself getting hurt by text messages from time to time, but then I think back about how I really don't know what context the person is talking from, I cannot tell if they are having a bad day or that they are pissed off at me, or whatever the situation maybe.  Text messages are void of emotion, and you must take them exactly that way.  At least when you are talking to someone on the phone you can hear the emotions in their voice and you pretty much can gather and tell how they are feeling during your conversation.  I know I have touched on this subject before, but it was quite a while ago, and it has been on my heart to talk about it again, and this time get a little more in-depth with it.

Let us assume that you have not met this person yet, you are still building your cyber or virtual friendship and you are trying to get to know each other a little better. You may have even started talking to them on the phone.  You are beginning to think that you are really into this person.  They are matching up with all the bullet points of what you are looking for, they have a beautiful voice and great pictures to show you what they look like.  Something happens inside of you, you start to build a mental picture of this person, you start to give it the attributes that your virtual friend is displaying and eventually you come up with a model  or a mental image of what the person is supposed to be like.  But what happens when and if you do actually get to meet the person face to face.  9 times out of 10 the image you have created for the person is inaccurate.  Because of this you might feel a bit of disappointment or it could go the other way that the person exceeded your image of them and turned out to be so cool that you wanted to learn everything about them and explore every inch of them and their personality.

You may be asking yourself why am I going on about this.  For several reasons actually, I feel that the traditional venues of meeting people has taken a back seat and virtual communication and dating has become the norm in today's society.  One of my concerns is that every year a million people in the United States alone go missing.  Then there is the lack of human interaction, actually getting to know a person, their moods, the tone and timber or their voice.  You miss out on the body language, and if you have started living with this person or even just hanging out and doing things together, the vernier or mask that the person is wearing tends to come off and you catch a glimpse of the person inside.  Let's face it we all put on a mask when we meet someone for the first time. We are on our best behavior, we dress nicely and we try to make the first impression a good one.  But, when the honeymoon period is over, and you start to see the real person who is lurking behind the mask it might be too late to get the hell out of dodge.  Plus there is the real physical risk that when you go to meet this cyber friend that they may not be anything like what you had thought and they have come to hurt you, rob you or even kill you.

There are some crazy messed up people in the world and you have to think of your own safety and well being, if you don't no body else will either.  Protect yourself, never meet someone by yourself, be prepared for anything.  I have been luckier than most, I have met some really cool people on line that I like to socialize with and hangout with them.  Then there have been some that had misrepresented themselves either in their profile or their pictures. So I end up leaving hurt and upset.  Because my ideal of the person (image) has been shattered by reality and they weren't anything like I had expected.   Then there is the rare breed of people that are just who they are, they don't try to impress you, they are just being themselves, and those are the types of people I like to be around.  Without the physical interaction of two people how can there be chemistry, how can a person really tell if the person they have met on line is really into them?  The other person can tell you anything and you can take it at face value or you can analyse it and pull it apart and try to figure it out. But the truth of the matter we are social beings and we need to have human contact and interaction.

I do believe that one good thing comes out of a cyber relationship, it is a mental connection, a mental attraction, and if the person truly is being just themselves, then you are going to find a relationship that has some potential to grow. It might be difficult because both of you have preconceived notions about each other due to your online profiles and conversations.  You are going to find most times that those image totally don't fit.  You have to start over with the traditional method of getting to know someone. You have to go out on dates, get to know one another and explore each other, feel each other out and seriously get to know one another.  Keep in mind what I told you about trust just last night.  You have to give it to receive it, and it has be cultivated and built by both of you being 100 % honest with each other.  Trust is a big issue in relationships, and it is critical to maintain a successful relationship. Trust me when I tell you that if you trust your partner and know that they are standing strong with  you and that you have each others backs.  Your relationship will be able to withstand anything that is thrown at it.

Be careful where you go, tell someone who you are going to meet and where.  Be sure to have your cell phone with you in case you have to make an emergency call.  Don't automatically trust everyone because there are people out there that are just looking for a way in to rob you, steal your identity or just drain you dry.  I do try to look for the good in people, but I have trust issues, it is hard for me to let someone get close to me, it is even harder for me to trust them. I honestly believe that has kept me alive all these years, because  I tell you in my 20's and 30's I didn't hesitate to run out and meet someone to have sex with in the middle of the night. I don't know how many times in my life that I could have been killed I thank God daily for protecting me with His angels and for giving me the wisdom to write stuff like this that might even save one persons life.

Please check out my other entry on this subject it is called Technology brings us closer together. It can be found in my 2012 postings.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

What happened to old fashion romance and passion in relationships?

I was on the phone with one of my ex's, someone that I was with for quite a while about 25 years ago.  He is  2 years younger than I am and he is now dating a 27 year old.  He was telling me that his sex life has become almost no existent, that there doesn't seem to be any passion or affection outside of the few times they have sex.  Which had gone from 3 or 4 times a weekend to now 1 or 2 times every 3 or 4 weeks.  This got me wondering what happened to old fashion romance and passion, where are the cuddling nights sitting on the couch watching a movie together and snuggling?  Have those days gone by?  Are they gone forever?  That brings me back to how can we ignite our love and make it something real and tangible for every day?

See, I am all too aware that there are some relationships that are based on mutual affection, and then there are some that are based genuinely on love, with those few that are just relationships of convenience. Where two people are sharing the same lives, but not the same dreams and goals.  It must be sad to feel like you are just roommates with an occasional benefit thrown in every once in awhile.  We have talked about relationships in the past and how some are just like business arrangements, that are beneficially mutual to both parties concerned.  But what happens when one of the party develops deeper feelings for the other that is not reciprocated?

This I think is what happens in most gay relationships, they start out good because we, and I am using the term we here because I fall into the same category and pattern here, have a tendency to start our relationships off the wrong way. We meet out in a bar, or sometimes with the advent of the internet and all the dating sites, we start off meeting the person, hanging out and before we know it we are having sex.  We continue to see that person and the sex continues.  Gay men seem to have a misconception that sex and chilling together equates a relationship.  We don't go out on traditional dates, we don't explore the other person fully we just jump into it with both feet so to speak.  Now, again I can only speak from personal experience, but I have found that the longest relationships that I have had I came at them with a different focus.  For example, yes I met Joe my ex of 12 1/2 years by answering a personal add on a computer bulletin board, this is before the internet.  We emailed and spoke to one another daily for 6 moths before we ever met.  We talked about everything and we explored each other before we ever met.  When we did meet I will admit that the first thing we did was have sex.  Then we went to dinner with my best friend and chilled out.  For the first week we were inseparable, then he had to go back to Atlanta for work, but 2 weeks later he was back in Florida at a job site at the beach, I was actually off of work at the time and was able to meet up with him and spent that week together with him also.  We talked about moving me up to Atlanta with him, and he even invited me up for a weekend to see if I liked it.  Well with me being there, his roommate came forward and told him how much he cared about him and a lot of drama ensued.  I ended up coming back to Florida and talking with the management company of the complex I was living at and found that I could transfer my lease up to Atlanta for only $50.00 which is what we decided to do.  Joe and I lived in that apartment in Atlanta for 7 months, most of which time he was never home. I moved to Atlanta and for 5 months he was on the road, and I barely ever saw him.  I had gotten a job and started working the Monday after I had moved up there so there was no lapse in pay for me.    But let me tell you something even doing it that way, getting to know someone via email and text messaging was not enough.  We didn't know each other and didn't give ourselves a chance to get to know one another. Before we knew it we were buying a house together and getting dogs, and before I blinked 5 years had gone by.  We were always arguing and fighting and with him travelling so much, there wasn't very much sex between us.  But it was okay because I went back to school got my bachelors and master's degrees and kept myself busy while he was away.

The long and the short of it is that with the technology of today, people aren't spending time together and learning about each other. They read an online profile, go out on a date and jump right into the sack with the other person.  This doesn't make for a successful relationship at all.  Eventually, there are going to be incompatibilities and things that you learn about one another that may change the dynamic of the relationship. If you really care about the person you are with you have to keep the relationship exciting and full of love and feeling. Each one of you needs to be reaffirmed that the other cares about you and feels the same way you do.  Affection goes part of the way in doing this, but there has to be verbal affirmation as well. You need to hear it as well as feel it.  You need to do simple little things that let the other know what you are feeling towards them. That them running around naked still turns you on and makes you happy.  Hide little gifts around, with notes telling them how special they are an what you think about them.  Keep in mind that for most people a compliment on the way they look and about their personality will go a long way in reassuring them that you still love and care for them.

My advice to you is that if you want to really discover and find someone that cares about you.  Take it slow, get to know them, keep the sex part out of it for as long as you can.  Learn all about them, their likes, their dislikes, their favorite things, go out and explore the world together, and do all of this before ever stepping into the bedroom.  Because honestly sex stirs up emotions and puts strings on things that maybe should be tied up.  I have met tons of people online that advertise that they are looking for casual encounters with no strings attached (NSA).  Guess what that doesn't work for me, because after being with them and having sex  with them several times, I find myself getting attached, and falling for them.  However, as I explained above, I really hadn't gotten to know anything about them, and when it finally and inevitably ends I am the one that is hurting because I connected with that person sexually, I enjoyed being with that person, yet the only thing I truly knew about the person is what they liked to do sexually.  When I tried dating some of them, it would only last a short while because outside of the bedroom we would have nothing in common, and those that I did have something with didn't understand the concept of monogamy.  So what I am trying to tell you is that you might save yourself some heartache and trouble if you take the time upfront to get to know someone really before you ever jump into bed with them.

Then there are those that you have had sexual relationships with that you feel a kind of connection with that you think you might want to explore further, but how do you go from being a Fuck Buddy to a full partner?  The answer is that it can be done but with some difficulty, and patience and a lot of hard work. Because you have to get over the preconceived notions that each of you have built over the casual encounters. You have to take the time to really get to know the person and you have to be willing to start over from scratch, like the past never happened.  You can't walk into it and hope that it will gel and work, because it doesn't happen like that. Further, you can't expect everything to fall into place immediately, both of you are going to be at different places in your lives and you are going to have to work hard to bring them together.  Because the only way that you can make that type of relationship work is if you are willing to join everything together and start over as a single unit.  You can't come at if from two different points of view and expect that your goals, expectations and living situation are just going to fall into alignment.  You have to work together, to make a new starting place, fresh, free from the past and you have to work toward building a future together. As my friend in Seattle once told me, the past is behind, keep hold of the memories, but you have to let go of those feelings and emotions and move forward.  Forward, is the only way that you can possibly be together, you have to start over in a totally new found place where both of you are on equal footing and no one has the advantage.  Get to know one another again, this time from a friend and lover standpoint and not from the sexual standpoint.  You already know what they like to do sexually, but what about the rest of their life. What do you know about that? Are you willing to join in and help them reach their personal goals?  Are you even aware of their personal goals? How do their goals line up with your own?  Then what kind of goals are you and your partner going to want to have together?

See it is very important for you you have a set of goals that provide you a map toward where you are trying to get too.  Each of you should have individual goals that will keep you both moving forward, but for a relationship to work you also have to have common relationship goals that both of you are willing to work on together.  It is extremely important for a relationship to work to have manageable and achievable goals that both of you are willing to work on together.  Plus you have to be willing to support your partners individual goals and they yours.  This will make a sound foundation for the relationship and one that is designed to grow.  If everyone could get to this point the divorce rate in our country would be on the decline instead of constantly rising each year.

So, what I would like to recommend to you at this point no matter in what type of relationship you find yourself in, if you are wanting to make it work and care about each other than you have to learn how to come together and keep it interesting, new and inviting. You are going to have to talk about your own goals and those of your partner, see where each of you can help the other to reach and achieve their goals. You also have to find goals that will keep the relationship moving forward, and growing as well, these are the common goals I was talking to you about. You have to learn how to keep the mystery and romance alive, do little things that remind each other how much you care and what you love about the other one. You also have to talk to one another, be truthful with your fear, dreams, hopes, desires and most importantly your feelings.  Communication and honesty are as important as the affection and sexual parts of the relationship.  Make time to spend with one another and make it romantic and special.  Remember that just because life hasn't presented you with the perfect opportunity, you can make one.  Keep in mind that each moment is unique and special, it is never going to be repeated in the whole of history, so take it and make it unique and special for you and the one that you love.

Surround yourself with positive energy, and friends that are supportive, cling to optimistic people, and shy away from the pessimists, they will hold you back.  Also assess your current friends and loved one, those that are taking more away from you than they are giving are holding you back and keeping you from reaching your full potential you have to cut them loose, let them go.  Remember only you have you own best interest at heart, and those that don't support you or in some way add benefit to your goals, ambitions, and desires you should let them go.  You and your partner do not need to have others hanging around bringing you down, you need people that care about you and are supportive of you both and are willing to build you up.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B