Wednesday, September 19, 2012

How do you know when you have surrendered your power over to someone else?

I know we have talked about personal power before and I have given you advice on how to take that power back.  But how do you recognize the signs?  How do you know when someone has power over you? Do you even know that you have given them the power?  Is there anyway to stop it from happening? Finally is it really a bad thing?  The answer to all of this is not as simple as it might seem and if there are warning signs, they are purely emotional.  As we enter into relationships we had a tendency to put our all into them and when we do, we end up giving up a piece of ourselves.  For the most part you can control how much you give, by limiting how much of your heart you choose to expose.

However, if you are like me, you sometimes give too much. Usually for me it starts out slowly and picks up momentum as the days and weeks go by before I know it, the other person has the ability to make me feel a certain way about myself.  that is when I know I have gone too far.  Because even now I am not sure anyone is worthy of having that much power over me. I keep waiting for them to prove themselves and so far I am the only one waiting around.  Days go by with no phone calls, texts and emails go unanswered. When I finally do connect with him, there is no real conversation, just the routine and the mundane.  I have realized this seems to happen to me a lot.  I open my heart, give out love and stand around waiting for it to be returned.  When I ask if anything is wrong between us, I am told everything is fine.  But why don't I feel fine?

The person used to inspire me, make me feel good about myself. Now all I do it think what have I done now?  What has happened? Where has the communication gone?  The real answer it hasn't gone anywhere. What has changed is the base of power.  I gave my heart away, and now I am looking for a return on that investment.

One of the first noticeable symptoms of power surrender, is when the other person's opinion matters to you more than your own.  Because you see they have the ability to make you feel a certain way. No one should have that much power over another person.  Developing feelings that strong can lead to problems and can start a very co-dependent relationship.  These types of relationships can be detrimental and hurtful to both parties involved.  Now, all of this depends on the person you are with and how much you can trust them.  Again the keys to any successful relationship are trust, communication, honesty and openness.  In co-dependent relationships one partner uses the power that is given to them to control and manipulate every situation.  In a wholesome and healthy relationship each partner retains their own sense of self.  They are okay with maintaining separate as well as unified gatherings and friends.  In other words they are just as comfortable with you and doing things together as they are doing them alone or with a group of their own friends.  Leading both separate and together lives.

So how do you know when you have surrendered your power over to someone else?  Easy! When you long to hear from them, when it seems like you can't do anything without them.  When you care so much about their opinion that you totally ignore your own feelings.  I honestly don't believe it is healthy to feel that way at all.  You need to regain your sense of self.

You need to feel good about yourself, your decisions and you can't do that if you are dependent on someone else and their feelings and opinions.  With all of this being said there is a healthy medium that can be reached. Compromise is still the name of the relationship game.  But, you have to have your own independence even in a relationship.  You need to be free to do what you want to do with consideration to your partner, but you cannot spend every single second together.  It just won't work!  So here is where I recommend  keep your own friends and continue to do things with them. Encourage your partner to do the same.  Make mutual friends together, make time to dow some things together, and still balance them with your own personal me time.

I always like to include my partner, but I do realize that he needs to have his own independence and freedom. Secret to success is communication, open and truthful conversation, plus quality alone time together.  If you can enjoy sitting in the same room doing different things, yet still enjoying and sharing each others warmth and company I would say you have reached the perfect and harmonious place in your relationship that I have been talking about.  Trust me you are still going to need quality alone time with each other, so that your relationship can grow and flourish. But you also have to have some quality me time so that you can grow and mature as an individual.  If you can achieve that in your relationship you too can have a relationship that last 12 or more years.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B