Surely you know that in order to succeed at life you have to take some risks. The important thing to remember is that whenever you invest your money, time, or love, you need be extremely careful. Just like a business who is about to invest money they run a risk analysis. This means that take a careful look at the risks to the business plan to see what their potential losses might be. They balance the risks against the projected return on investment to see if the return justifies taking the risk. In our personal lives we must do the same thing on a much smaller scale. Before you invest your money or heart in anyone you need to be sure of the motives fit in line with your personal goals. Look closely at what your potential return on investment might be. If you believe the risks are acceptable then by all means move forward.
What I am trying to say is this. If you honestly care about someone and you feel that their feelings for you are genuine then look at the risks involved with that relationship. You may find them acceptable at the time. But it is also important to reevaluate your relationship as time moves on because the risks, consequences and circumstances might have changed. In my own personal life I can tell you that when I met Joe I was living in Orlando with my brother and a good friend Stewart. Joe and I hit it off right away, and we spent the first two weeks of our relationship together almost inseparable. After that we kept talking and before I knew it my lease term was ending at my apartment and I had a choice to transfer my apartment lease to Atlanta so that Joe and I could be with each other. Which at the time the risk was minimal, though I was investing my heart into someone that I had just met recently. Now, I will never tell you that I made a mistake when I did this, but I didn't take into account that I would be leaving my job behind and I would have to find work in a new city. Luckily, it didn't take me long at all to find work because I was with a temporary agency. My move turned out to be a good thing for me, before I knew it Joe and I were buying a house together and our lives were off and running. The relationship lasted for 12 years, however around year 7 things started getting out of control, we were fighting all the time and drugs had entered the picture and the actual dynamic of the relationship began to turn. He wanted to explore his sexuality and experiment doing different things. I had already been down this road during my first relationship and was extremely hesitant. This became a bone of major contentment and at that point in my life I should have reevaluated and did another risk assessment and return on investment. If I would have done that I would have saved Joe and I, five more years of turmoil and fighting, which became both mental and physical.
As people our goals and moods can change over time, if you are in a relationship you need to make sure that the goals that you have as a couple mesh well. Individual goals need to intertwine with the couple goals, if they don't you are going to drift apart and the relationship will self destruct. Now, I can tell you how devastating that can be after investing so much time with someone and how hard it is to pull yourself back together. When something like this happens in your life because you didn't mitigate the risks, which basically means you need to seriously look at them, identify them and do something about them. By mitigating the risks you can save yourself endless hours of pain and misery. Investing your heart into someone is a scary and exciting thing, but if not handled right you could open yourself up to hurt, disappointment and disillusionment.
Now, let me tell you a little about what is going on in my present relationship, and the risks that are involved with it. As of tonight there have become some really hairy snags that are going to need to be addressed and fixed before one of us gets hurt. Now, normally I am not a jealous person and I have been in sexual situations with my partner and other people in a group situation before. As a matter of fact we went from a love triangle where I was in love with him and his partner, now keep in mind that I had encounters with his partner before they ever met, which sort of made the transition easy and bearable. I got along with both, but that ended more than a year ago now. Since then we have been trying to establish ourselves as a couple. There are some things that are going on right now that are risky, things that I am not necessarily 100 percent comfortable with, and before I can proceed any further, I need to address these issues or take the risk of getting extremely hurt in the process. Now, trust me I understand the motivations behind this and I understand the financial implications, but all afternoon I have been trying to establish that we need to be more private, that we need to keep others from being in our life and relationship, and now the door is opened for him to make some money using his body, and connections make things happen at the time frame of his choosing. I applaud his herculean efforts, and I understand the sentiments. But it gives me pause does he really understand what I mean when I say I don't want to get back into that life, that I want to stay as far away from it as possible and that I want to focus on my career and his? I don't honestly believe so.
Keeping in mind that I promised I wouldn't get mad when he told me and I haven't, I am trying to work within the framework with the options he has given me, but I want to exclude myself from participating in the actual event. Honestly, I would be perfectly happy with him doing his thing and then coming to see me, let him have his last fling and get it out of his system, if that is even possible. Because I walked away from that life, and I know that once I open that door back to that world I will be tempted beyond my ability to fight to keep from plunging back into that world. Not saying there is anything wrong with that. Most of you that read my blog know exactly what I am talking about. You were there with me, and some of your are still there. But for me with my health issues and new found liberty, I do not necessarily want to screw up where I am heading. Please understand that I am not judging any of you. The addictions and demons I fight are private and well documented in my blog. My heart is at risk, what if I loose him to that world again, what if this time I am not strong enough to pull him back as I have done in the past. I lost one person in my life to Meth and drugs/sex parties, I don't think I could do it again. Here I am 4 1/2 years later, wondering am I doing the right thing again?
Time will of course answer that question for me. I know that my own personal conviction is not strong enough nor do I think I could stand to see him in the situation that he described to me on the phone. Yes, I love him with all my heart, but I am starting a new job. I have things going for me in my life that are important and I am passionate about. I don't want to jeopardize all that. So after hearing the risks and assessing them as I have here, I have come to the mitigating part. I have told him to do his thing and that I will come and get him when all is done, bring him down and we can do our thing. See a part of me doesn't want to see all the other people touching and messing with him. I have been there and done that. It is my turn to have him all to myself, so if this is the way feels it needs to be, then I am fine letting him do it and then pick it up afterwards.
Yes a part of me wants to be there, but will it be good for us? I don't think so, could it become a distraction? Could it be the beginning of a pattern that is bound to be repeated time and again? I sure the hell hope not, and yes it is definitely going to be a distraction. Once the genie is out of the bottle I don't believe there will be a way to put her back inside again, and I am finally going to loose him once and for all. Because I cannot be what he wants in the end. FEAR!
Life is full of risks, it is how we approach them, view them, and simply try to mitigate them that will help protect our investment in to each situation. If the risk is greater than the potential return, then my advice to you is to leave it alone and move on. However, if you find the risk is at an acceptable tolerance, take the risk, get your return, but keep in mind constant observation and reevaluation is key to any successful venture.
I hope this make sense to you and that you can understand in a real sense that you need to be frugal with how you invest your time, money and love, they are not cheap commodities and are hard to replace once they have been poorly invested. Stop and evaluate the situation, make the assessment I talked about and be totally honest with yourself. If you can accept the risks move forward, if not, then beware of them and move on. As I am so fond of telling you life is short. I told my Facebook family tonight just a little while ago, love can endure a lot of things like distance, trauma, drama, but it cannot endure betrayal and doubt. Make sure you know yourself and your partner before you go down the road that I am sitting on tonight. Because on one side is happiness and the other is a great big abyss, where will I eventually end up? Only God knows now.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,