2016 It's a brand new start

I have been struggling for days trying to figure out how to explain what it is that I want to tell you about this new year.  It s important to put away old things and move forward into the new year. You have been given a new start a fresh beginning,  a clean slate if you will.  This new year is full of potential,  change is coming to all of us.

Some of these changes are going to be wide sweeping and can alter your entire being and lifestyle.  New jobs, opportunity to help others and to fulfil many desires you had for a long time. Subtle energies are at work in your life now that require adherence to their flow. If you want the big changes to occur you have to go through many minor changes before they can actually experience the really big ones.

It maybe asked of you to move on and leave some of the people you know behind.  Which is what I meant about putting old things away.  We have entered a new age. We have entered the age of Aquarius, which means a time of transition and improvement. As you meditate upon your past and are struggling with your immediate present you have to ensure that the past isn't holding you back.

It is impossible to move forward and make progress when you are constantly looking over your shoulder and holding on to the past.  Religion is constantly telling us that we need to live every day one day at a time. Faith is needed for our deepest desires to come true. But here is the truth behind all of that. God provides us with all of our needs and tells us that He will continue to help those that help themselves. To me that means you can't sit around and wait for things to come to you. You have to put in effort and work.  Stuff isn't just going to fall into your lap.

As the year unfolds before you keep an open mind and faithful in your prayers. Keep ever in your mind that change is coming for you and your whole situation is going to change. This new found momentum  will carry through the entire year as long as you continually give thanks.  The last thing that I want to leave you with is this. As good things come to you be sure to do things and help others. As long as you do your forward journey will continued unhindered and you will have a feeling of fulfillment and contentment.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Free will vs fate

How can these two things co-exist and still allow us to function and fully achieve goals that we make in our lives.  How do these two diverse and diametrically unseen forces hold say over our path in our daily journey.  Life is constantly putting decisions in our path and this is where the forces come into play.

It is true that we have the freedom to make the choices and cause our journey to branch and keeps our journey interesting helps propel us toward our goals. However,  fate sometimes has to gives a nudge or push in the right direction.  No matter what choices you make fate makes sure that we end up in the proper place at precisely the right time.

You can make all right choices in your life and yet end up at precisely the same place  no matter what you may have decided.  For every decision that you make there are other unseen forces that come into play that  reinforce fates designs. They are known as physical laws or laws of nature.  The law of cause and effect and the law of retribution.

If you honestly think about it there is a truth and consequence for every decision that we make. These are the foundations to the lessons that we are to learn.  Remember that it is the journey that maketh the man.  Humans learn through experiencing pain and only pain. We might make discoveries or understand a problem which increase our knowledge, but pain is always associated with learning process somewhere along the line.

What makes this bearable for me is the knowledge and understanding that nothing lasts forever. Along with the certain knowledge that each obstacle, trap and pitfall has been placed in my path to make me stronger and able to face whatever fate or life has to throw at me.  Trust me when all of us look back over our path none of us are ever satisfied with where we find ourselves.  No one says that it is going to be fun or easy it is however it is necessary.

I know that you all have heard me say that we all have work to do and a purpose that we need to fulfill before our time on this world ends. This is where fate takes a hand in our lives and guides us ever onwards toward our journeys end. Destiny and fate are often confused as being the same thing but they aren't destiny is only one of many possible outcomes based directly on the decision we make. Whereas fate is the force that pushes her forward and helps us deal with the of  consequences our decisions.

I believe that destinies can be altered and even change by te works and decisions we make. Fate is a constant guiding force that helps us to not dwell for too long on our issues and takes us to the exact place we need to be at just the appropriate time.   We live in the physical world and therefore are subject to the natural laws.  I am going to talk further about the laws and worlds that impact us and how we can use them to go further and learn more about what surrounds us.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you.

Uncle B

Twas the night before Christmas

T'was the night before Christmas and just another plain old night. Sleepless and restless I was up all night.  The weather was warm and balmy, listen can't you hear the oceans roar.  It has been a long time since this holiday was fun for me.  My stormy past has been fraught with pain and disappointment.  Since my aunt died all the bad and painful memories seemed to occur between October and February that happen in my life.

It is true, in the late 80's my aunt and grandmother both passed away between Thanksgiving and New Years. My grandfather passed away around New Years in 2000, then just 4 years later I was to end up facing the biggest changes and challenges of my life.

My life took a dramatic turn of events January 27, 2005 when I went in for an exploratory surgery and emerged from the operating room with a colostomy.  From that day forward, I faced each day with pain and trepidation. Always afraid that I wouldn't fit in, that I would be shunned and never find anyone else to love me.  By this time my relationship was ending and I didn't think that anyone would want to be with me with these dramatic changes to my body. I didn't know then that my life was never going to be the same again.

So when you look back you can see why the Christmas season holds no appeal for me.  Make this holiday season a time for love and understanding.  Enjoy the life you have been given,  think about those who are in your life and what they mean to you. The spirit of Christmas is of love, joy and acceptance.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B

Magic of cinema can still move me

I am 47 years old and find that still today a good story can bring tears to my eyes. I love Hallmark and Lifetime movies, not because I think life works like it is depicted in these films. No, I think these films bring joy, hope and laughter into this world with a purity and wholeness that might be lacking in our lives.

I get teased when others see the tears that roll down my cheeks as i get pulled into these movies.  These movies provide me with an escape from my humdrum reality and pull me into a magical world where all problems can be resolved in 2 hours or less. Where the love of a lifetime can be found and everyone lives happily ever after.  But what is the overall appeal of these movies?

I know that the reason why I love these movies is because they take my mind totally out of whatever I have going on and submerge me into a world with endless possibilities. These feel good movies can for 2 hours at a time relieve boredom and the grit of everyday living. They also instill for a moment a brief feeling of hope and fulfillment that is often lacking in our day.

Any movie can tell a  story or provide entertainment,  few manage to do this well.  There are so many genre of stories and many different ways that they can be interpreted. It is the job of the screen writer to capture the essence of a  book, novel or story. Then it is up to the director to breathe life into the screenplay.  When done well the audience is transported into it, they feel like they can relate to one or more of the characters.  The trappings of their ordinary day become transparent and for the time being they can live vicariously through them.

Studios like Disney, Hallmark and Lifetime seem to be able bring wholesome, feel good movies over and over again with resounding success.  Walt Disney pioneered the wholesome family film which laid the foundation and ground work  for all Hallmark and Lifetime. I believe that Walt Disney was a trailblazer and visionary that set a very high bar for those that followed in his wake. At the Walt Disney company they call this the "Disney Magic" or the "Magic of Disney", every new employee to the company has to go through a two week orientation called "Traditions". This training stresses the values and expectations that Walt himself had for everyone who worked for or with him.

Wholesomeness and purity are keywords that come to mind when you think of a Disney movie. Deep characters that seem to be able to achieve or overcome anything thrown at them and always end up happy. There is a formula that these movies all strive to achieve, a deep conflict that needs a resolution.  Inside the plot of these movies is a hidden hook and it reels/reals you into the drama that is unfolding before you. In a way you are made to care about these characters and the issue or problem they are going through resonates with you and your life.  Once that hook is set guaranteed it is going to elicit an emotional reaction out of you, and for that brief moment in time you are transported from the mundane to the magical.

It just sort of sucks that it had to end. Your mind knows that what you see is fake but your heart feels like it's all real. That is the power these types of movies have in our lives. We all need to escape reality once in awhile and what better place is there to do that  than the movies.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Eyes of a stranger

I walk down a narrow path,
I hold my head up high
So I can See all of you pass by
Steep is my narrow path.

Fraught with pitfalls and traps
You never know who or what you will cross.
Maybe its for the best perhaps
It is in the eye of a stranger that show you their dread and loss!

In the eye of the stranger you see lost hope,
You don't know where your voice might lead,
Fear and loss is their watchword and deed.
Sometimes it feels like I am at the End of my rope.

Abandon fear, gather hope hold on strong
Look deep within yourself
Every issue, problem and trouble will move swiftly along.
Everything has an expiration date that sits on the shelf.

It is in the eyes of a stranger that you see yourself reflected

As always my hopes and dreams are with you.

Uncle B

Nothing ventured nothing gained.

Too many times we end up letting our fear or anxiety hold us frozen in place. It can prevent us from moving forward and accomplishing the simplest of tasks. One thing that I have learned in the time that I have been walking on the Earth is this: "you cannot move forward or to anything if you don't put forth an effort and try." Life can be difficult and he road that we journey is going to be fraught with trials, hardships, obstacles and pitfalls, do not be discouraged by these things, they will serve to make you stronger.

Dwelling on the things around you can distract you and if you think too hard or too long on the obstacles that present themselves to you can cause indecision and depression. Fear and depression are two of the biggest factor that can lead you to be afraid. Fear can do several things it can either motivate you toward change or it can held you back from trying.  Time in these instances will quickly seem to be against you and your enemy. But, it may be the one thing that keeps you moving forward. One people leap before they look or act before they truly understand the consequences that an action might have.

Yes, time can also be a motivating factor, but if take in the right perspective it is just that a factor.  I have been through so much in my journey that I have come to the realization that all the facts new to be known and analyzed before you make a hasty decision. I know you have heard me tell you that it is the journey that you take that molds you and builds you up, not the stops you take along the way.

What do you think I mean by this?  The pitfalls, obstacles, and disasters that hit us are what makes us stronger and molds us into an example that might inspire hope in others.  The times you stop and look back on your life are just way stations and don't reflect the journey that you have traveled.  How many times have you looked back over your life and been disappointed by the progress you have made or the place you currently find yourself in.

Time continues to pass and with it new revelations are revealed and new strengths are displayed.

If you never try you can never achieve the desired of your heart.

Keep this in mind.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

I just spent an hour writing

You can imagine my frustration when I have been writing for an hur and have almost totally finished the entry I was working on when my tablet decided that it was time to erase every single word that I had written.

So tonight there will be no entry because I was so close to finishing my thought in that post I feel that I need to sleep on it and write a fresh take tomorrow. That way I can release my frustration and drift off to sleep.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Dazed and confused

ByWhen it comes to matters of the heart you would think that everything from my past would have taught me that my choice in partners is usually dead wrong. You would also think that by now I would have the relationship thing nailed down and perfected by now.  But with as many heart breaks that I have been through, I still haven't learned a damn thing.

Once again I have invested time, energy and love on a relationship and once again the trust and love that I have given to another has pretty much been in vain. Everything that I do is wrong in his eyes and he doesn't open up and communicate with me at all. I am constantly unaware of how he truly feels.

However, actions speak louder than words and it has become painfully obvious to me that I may consider myself in a relationship, he doesn't necessarily feel the same way.  For months now he has been sleeping in another room, there is no longer any intimacy between us. I feel alone when he is here. Yet, I was miserable when he wasn't around. So what should I do? What answer is there for the dilemma that I find myself in?

Trusting someone after all the hurt I have been through has been extremely hard for me. But I made concessions and compromise's and I came to love this person even though I never intended that to happen.  Somehow it did and at times I can tell that he cares about me. But I really don't think that is enough. There have been words that were said out of anger that have caused wounds within me that don't seem to heal. With him sleeping on the sofa I feel like he is pushing me as far away as he can.  I have asked him more than once if he was embarrassed by me, the response is no. But I cannot get him to tell me what he is feeling. So once again I am dazed and confused.

There are times when we are good together, then there are times like this past evening where things were said and I felt bad about my actions and choice that I had made, so I came home hoping to fix what I had messed up. But to my chagrin he wasn't home and didn't come home at all. Communication was sporadic and very inconsistent and the longer I sat waiting for news the more hurt I felt. So now comes the time where I am going to have to pull him aside and try to get him to open up to me and tell me what he really feels.

Several days ago during an argument he stated that he didn't love me, that I have lied to everyone about him saying that we have had sex. He also stated that he didn't consider us to ever be in a relationship and that is why he sleeps on the couch.  On the other hand I have heard him tell others  that he doesn't know why but he does love me. So which is the truth and which do I believe? I honestly don't know anymore!

I have looked back at my life and what I have given up for others and I wonder often how I have made it as far as I have in life. Before cancer and all the operations that I have had to endure over the last ten years, I can see the strong young Bryan going out and getting whatever I wanted. I was driven, strong, confident and had a sense of purpose and direction. I succeeded in business as well as in my personal life. So what happened to that strong minded individual? What caused me to loose my way and drift aimlessly through life for the past ten years? Is there still a fire burning in my soul a need that can be used to fuel my drive and ambition?

Yes I can see that there are still strong commitments and goals that I desire to reach, and I feel that as I embark on a new journey I can find contentment and direction from these goals.  I still have a purpose and that is why I think that I am still here breathing air and living. I have a voice that needs to be heard, I have years of experience and advice that I can share with others that will make their journey so much easier.  I have experienced so many things that have made me remarkable and unique. Others see strength in me, I see purpose and desire to help those around me that are hurting, suffering, or struggling with the burdens that life has put in their way.

It is here that I want to remind you of an important fact. This is something that I have stressed over and over again in almost every blog entry that I have written from 2012 till now. The important fact that you must remember is that it is not where you are at in life or where you have been, or even where you think you should be that molds and builds you. It is the journey that you take and the road you choose to walk on that give you the strength and experience you need to meet every challenge and obstacle that comes your way. It is through adversity that we grow and become stronger individuals.  Every choice and decision has a price and a consequence, you have to pay these things as you move forward in your journey and they will pave the way for wisdom, patience and understanding to come your way.

So I have said all of this to illustrate that life doesn't stop happening when love fails. Each time you are hurt you learn a new lesson. Some hurt more than others, but in the end you benefit from each and every hurt.  Strength comes from within you, and no one knows how truly strong they are till a crisis comes up. Then you will see that you have been adequately trained for that crisis.

So how will I deal with what is happening in my life? I am going to have to confront it head on and take whatever repercussions happen with dignity and grace and just make the best decision I can with the information that I am presented with.  Frankly, I hope that I will hear the truth and not just what he thinks I want to hear. I need to know what is really in his heart and on his mind. There are something's that are bothering me and they are a little deeper than his actions. The are things that he has done that tell me a different story. I guess it is time to play detective and see where the investigation leads me.

Dealing with others is always hard, and when you are in a relationship with someone or trying to be in one, it can be extremely confusing and difficult to comprehend what is really going on because it is not always easy for others to open up and tell you the truth about the way they are feeling or their true intentions.  My next few days are going to be hard but I am going to have to get to the truth of the situation and either move on or make adjustments because I am unsure of my place and standing in this persons life and before I invest more of myself and my time,effort and energy I want to know the truth and if I am hurt so be it. Because I can't see holding on to something that is only in my mind.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Oh to be Thankful

It's that time of year again where we come together as family and friend's too celebrate what we are thankful for, the blessings that we have received throughout the previous year.

This tradition comes from our forefathers that pioneered our country, but has since become a worldwide tradition. Families all around the world get together this one day out of the year to celebrate and give thanks for what they have, what they have come through, and who hey are with.

Thanksgiving is the beginning of our holiday season, where people start thinking and caring for others. Last year at this time I asked each of you to try and celebrate your blessings daily. I asked you to think of others besides yourself and to reach your hand out in love and friendship to any and everyone that you came in contact with. Remember me telling you that you never know where a casual conversation is going to lead you. I also stressed that by extending our selves with compassion ,love and understanding that the world around us would become a much better place. It is so easy to get wrapped up in our own problems and ignore or choose not to see those around us that may be struggling with life and living ourselves. Don't you think it would be a much happier and friendlier place to live if everyone around us followed my advice?

I keep trying to remind you that everything in this life is temporary and transitory. Now for those of you that don't understand what I am trying to tell you here is a better way to think about things. Each and every situation that you find yourself in,  know in your heart that somehow you are going to make it through. The way my grandmother used to put it was " this too shall pass".  Transitory means ever changing or moving around., nonpermanent.  Just think about it, how much easier is your life going to be if you always keep in mind that everything moves on, no problem is too big and won't last forever. Because everything in our physical world has an expiration date. We may not know what that date is, all we need to know is that for a period of time you are going to have to deal with it and then it is gone.  This alone should lift some of your hearts. But, keep in mind that you are probably not the only person going through whatever it is. Someone out there is dealing with something very similar and might have the answer that you are looking for.

This time of year is also a time to work through self pity and depression, no matter what you are going through or facing, there is someone else out there that is going through something much more difficult or who is worse off then you. By giving thanks daily for the blessings you receive will make it easier for you to put yourself in someone else's shoes. To truly understand what they are going through and will allow you to extend your hand in compassion. Helping them to ease their burden and by doing so may actually ease your own.

Thanksgiving is a time where we need to reach out to those around us who comfort us, strengthen us, and give us stability and thank them for their help and support.  I have learned over the last few years just how important a support network is to me. Especially now that I am sick.  Life happens to everyone and time marches forward and none of us knows when our time will end here on earth.

So let me tell each of you this: I am thankful and grateful that each and everyone of you is in my life. You mean the world to me, and have been through an awful lot of health issues and relationship problems, but as always I have made it through and I want you to know that I couldn't have come this far without your love, support and help. You are my extended family. I love you!

Once again I call on you to not just make Thanksgiving not just one day a year but a celebration that last throughout the coming year. I promise that by being thankful and being loving and compassionate to others will make your world so much better and people will respond in kind. Trust me this can work and each of us can make this world a better place. Remember that nothing lasts forever and you will make it through. Let me know how you are doing.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Why others lose faith in us

When you show those you love the deepest dark parts of yourself doubt and mistrust creep in. Couple that with lying or betraying those that trust and respect you, can cause them to lose faith in you totally and can send even the strongest souls tumbling in confusion and darkness.  I often talk about being a person with integrity,  strength of character and honor.  These are very likely the traits that have drawn others to you. I am not sure if you remember us talking about how positive attracts positive while negative attracts more negative this fact remains true when dealing with people as well as energy.

A positive outlook on life tends to draw like minded people toward you and they become friends, but the inverse is also true. A negative outlook will cause other negative thinkers into your orbit.  Trust is a very fragile thing and can be broken by the simplest of deeds. While I believe that it is possible to slowly rebuild trust there must be a solid foundation from which to rebuild.  Friendship is the foundation that I am referring to,  it doesn't matter if you are in a romantic relationship or just a friendship trust is earned and built upon.

Lying and deception are the surest ways to destroy the trust you have built with another person.  Words said out of anger can cause wounds that never truly heal. They can be forgiven but the cannot ever be erased. With a foundation of open communication friendships and trust can be built rather quickly, and if the other person really values the friendship /relationship they can come to terms with the betrayal,  however, as I stated once that initial trust has been broken, injured or even destroyed,  it can take an extremely long time for it to be mended, healed and rebuilt.

With trust comes mutual respect and admiration for the other.  The relationship is beneficial and mutual to you both. With each passing day growing stronger, and more resilient.  I try to foster long lasting relationshipswith everyone that I meet, because over time I have learned that each individual that comes into your life has been brought there for a reason.  Maybe you will learn something from them, or maybe you have something to teach them, or even possibly you just need a new shoulder to cry on. No matter what the reason, everyone that comes into your life is there because of a need.

Humans are social creatures and enjoy company of others. The human heart has the greatest capacity for loving and caring for others. You may not know this but you are very capable of loving any number of people, pets or possessions.  The human heart is without equal in its ability to love and be loved.

Caution needs to be heeded because with the capacity to love comes the ability to feel great pain and anguish when you feel that you have been betrayed or your trust has been broken.  It is through the hearts ability to love that we gain the power to forgive. It also allows us to apologize and be sincere in our apologies when we fail to live up to another person's expectation of us.

Now that I have broached once again that another person can have certain expectations that they think that you should live up too. Unfortunately,  expectations are broken all the time and should never be placed on another person.  Having them of yourself is okay. But it truly is unrealistic foe someone to live up to your expectations of them specifically because they are unaware of them. These are things that are not usually discussed the are just feelings that we create because we assume we really know someone else.  But here is the truth of the matter, it is truly impossible to truly get to know someone else,  unless they allow you to.  You can never truly know what another is thinking or planning.  I have been hurt so many times by thinking thatI truly knew someone and was completely blindsided by half truths and hidden agendas and false intentions.

So how do we guard ourselves against those hidden parts of another's mind? In short I have yet to find a short cut or a way to protect myself from these things. Time my friend is the denominator that will reveal all that is hidden. Time is the great equalizer, it can heal bruised feelings, grant time to rebuild lost trust and with open communication and truth being your tools you can get through those snares. Over time a friend will reveal themselves and show that they are truly someone that you can rely upon.

I really hope that this helps you out there,  I am learning these lessons daily the hard way. Feel free to talk to your friends and partners. Let them know that they shouldn't be afraid to tell you anything and be sure to talk about everything.   Remember always that things done in the dark always come to light.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you.

Uncle B

God and I

The past few days I have been thinking a lot about all the illnesses and obstacles that have come my way over the years.  It got me to thinking about a book I read once called "Sacred Contracts " written by Carolina Myss. It is an excellent book and if you get a chance you should read it.

Because of the book, I am more in control of my life and destiny than ever before.  See as she explained it, we chose the life we are living before we are born. We have a job, duty or mission to accomplish while we are here on earth. She further explains that the reason why we don't recall these events are because of our mortal birth.  When we leave our spiritual form foe a human one we lose all of our prior knowledge.  The reason for this is we truly have the freedom of choice and we need to learn as much about living and life.

But when I look back at many of the things that I have gone through,  I sometimes start to wonder if I am strong enough to carry on.  My life has not been easy. I have suffered and battled cancer 4 times since I was , I have at times though that the world might be better off without me. But the honest to goodness truth is that I don't do well with pain, also I have very poor or no luck at all, therefore I have never really contemplated committing suicide,  because I know that I would screw it up and end up worse than I am already .

I just wonder sometimes if I am ever going to  accomplish the job thatI contracted with God to do. Further,  I have seen so many people pass on and the were younger than me and their health didn't seem to be as poor as mine. But then again that is from my perspective. The first of my friends to pass was my best buddy and bowling companion. He was 30 years old and was taken so quickly. We had bowling practice on Saturday for the upcoming Dixie Tournament.  Glenn passed out and fell half way down the lane.  I had to help him get up and out of the alley. I made him promise that he would let me take him to the emergency room the next morning.  He never came home. He died 4 days later, his lungs filled with fluid and he never regained consciousness.   I setup a memorial for him so that his family could see and understand what their son Glenn was all about.

The next friend to pass was Sue Renaud, we were in a skilled nursing facility together.  Her and I got really close and it kills me that she died right after my birthday last year,  unfortunately I was not there when she passed and I didn't find out right away.  Another great friend was Mary, if you have been following my blog you might recall the article I wrote about her. "Larger than life " was the title.  Mary and Sue died in January, Sue died because of respiratory distress. She was 56.  Mary died because of a brain tumor that spread rapidly. Mary has just turned 32 yearsold. She was one of the first people I met when I first moved to Ormond Beach.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't feel sadness at my loss of such wonderful people, who were called home before me.  I know that God placed these very special people in my life. Because I got the opportunity to get to know each of them. Each one of them taught me something that I needed for my future. Each person taught me specifically how to survive and adapt to what life sends my way.

None of us knows how much time we are allotted to be on earth,  therefore it is important to live each moment like it is your last and you really need to stay in the present moment.  I know that it is easy to get trapped in the past by your past. However,  if you are busy carrying baggage from your past you can't move forward,  you become stuck and can't pick up anything else.    Now I find myself drawn back to the past quite a bit and it is a struggle to remain in the moment and present. When I was 24 I found out that I had stage 4 large cell lymphoma and I thought that I was going to die. Here I am writing to you 22 years later.

I sometimes wonder if my friends that have passed on if they have or had completed their sacred contract or was extenuating circumstances got in the way.  I guess that it doesn't really matter,  because apparently God isn't giving me a pass and I am going to hav Rd to fulfill my Sacred job. Otherwise I would have not made it through so many medical issues and not dying.

I have complete faith in God and I know that He is the great physician and can heal.me totally if He desired. But I believe that everything I have been through and are going through are necessary lessons that I need to learn and overcome what is in store for me.

I know that God and I have a longer journey ahead of us. I know that I have yet to dicover and complete my Sacred Contract. Yes at times I get discouraged and feel like surrendering and giving up. So you can see that living in the now and moment is very important to me.  I have no way to measure the amount of time that I have left here. But I am going to make everyday 9f my life and treat them like they are my last.  Try living in the moment and every day like it is your last and you will find out that things start going easier and life takes on 's different meaning.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you.

Uncle B

Here I am

Knock knock
Do you hear me?
I am knocking on your hearts door
You have changed the locks
I can't get in...
Knock knock
Only you can open the door again.
The man before you is incomplete
You are my confidence in the face of fear
You are the strength I lack
You are my memory
The best of me is you
I lost you due to foolish pride
Now I am lost without you by my side
I miss you with all my being
You are my reason for being
Please forgive me and come back
I love you

Setbacks for the positive and negative can keep you from moving forward

It's amazing no matter what I go through on a day to day basis people never cease to amaze me. It just goes to show that no matter how well you think you know somebody, the truth is you will never actually know the real them unless they want you to.  Each of us fears something,  each of us are insecure about other things. Life has become a huge game of hide-n-go-seek, we have found it easier to hide our fears and insecurities behind a facade or an ever evolving mask.

We in expertly build walls to keep others from discovering our fears and weaknesses. But it can be those very same walls that trap us and make us prey to our emotions. Have you never thought about how the person you know isn't quite the same one that you originally met? It becomes evident the longer that you are around and they become more comfortable around you, the more their mask will shift.

So with that in mind as we move forward, that we don't over compensate or inflate the very thing that we are trying to hide from ourselves and other's.  Yes, my friend it is sad but true the masks we wear and personas that we painstakingly and elaborately create, tend to hide from ourselves as well as others. If you want to be accepted at face value then you have a lot of inward looking and soul searching to do.

To a certain extent these masks that extend in to wall creates a pattern of behaviour and once you can recognize a pattern the easier it is to understand the underlying fear or anxiety that has caused it.  The hard part of this is honesty to oneself. I would caution you here, do not think that this is a light matter, many of us have spent years building up our defenses and our walls to protect ourselves from constant pain or crippling fear. But, if life isn't full of challenges and hard won victories I don't think the change would be lasting.

You maybe wondering by this point what does all of this have to do with setbacks?  Here it goes our lives are based on patterns and in oder for us to change the pattern we have to understand what caused it to begin with.  The setbacks we experience are nothing more than the results of the choices and decisions we have made. Further any behaviour or pattern that can be learned can therefore also be unlearned. All that really matters is that you face your fears and anxieties  on your terms and when you choose.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you.

Uncle B

Broken Merchandise

Dust has gathered around my place, I never move and no one ever looks at me.  I am broken and damaged beyond repair.  So I idle my days away in the same spot on the same shelf and watch as people pass me by.

Where is my chance? When will I have a home of my own with someone to love me? No one even bothers they can see that I am broken.  Everyone is looking for the new and amazing and I am old and broken so here I sit on my shelf day by day.

I hope against hope that someone will see the beauty in me.  But they never look past the exterior, all they see it the broken man, they turn away and choose someone else.  It has to be perfect with no mar or scar, and here I am broken and battered.

No one wants me and I guess no one will.  So as the dust gathers around me and people pass me by day after day. All I can do is dream and hope.

Is dimensional travel possible? Open your mind and the rest will follow!"

What is mad?  crazy, insane, without conscious purpose, truly an anomaly.  Mad is a state mind, a journey to the outer limits of conscious reality.  Some say that insanity is repeating the same pattern over and over again expecting a different result.  But what if I tell you that mad, insane, crazy, are all dimensions that the mind can travel.  Free yourself from the restrictions of your conscious self and you can travel there.  Suppress the subconscious and see where you can go.  Other planes of reality are available for you to travel.  Rod Serling once said that it was a journey through sight and sound and a journey to the farther limits of the mind is where the twilight zone resides.

Yet, in America the term mad can refer to an emotion of anger, or refer to a state of mind such as crazy.  So what is right?  Maybe both of these can coexist and be essentially correct. What if I told you that dimensional travel can be accomplished by taking a journey into the depths of your own imagination.  Maybe even time travel could be accomplished by casting your sight and concentration inward because I am convinced that all knowledge has been handed down to each of us from the beginning of time, all because Eve ate from that forbidden fruit.

Indulge me for just a moment to see if you can understand how I have arrived at this conclusion.  Follow me backward in time to the Garden of Eden, the knowledge of good and evil was given to both Eve and Adam through biting the forbidden fruit.  Therefore if all knowledge was given to Eve, it would be easy for that information to be transferred to her offspring through the birth process.  Today scientist debate nature versus nurture, and what is instinctually passed from parent to child.  Let me further expand this conversation by saying that they spark of life that was breathed into man is part of the Divine, and thus is the part of God, that is passed on to each of us.  Some believe that this is the basis for consciousness and self-awareness, it is that very spark of divinity that allows us to access that knowledge.  I have even heard that mystics and seers call this supernatural database of knowledge as the "Akashic Records".   So, if the knowledge and information is passed down via our direct heritage from Adam and Eve it would be accessible by anyone born today.

I heard a song once that said "Free your mind and the rest will follow" which gives us the basic instructions on how to access this hidden knowledge.  Or if you would like allows individuals to access the cosmic database of all thought or knowledge that has come before us and that will come after us.  Every concept that the human mind can conceive either now or in the future is housed in the Akashic Records.  Therefore, if all knowledge is accessible wouldn't it stand to reason that dimensional travel could also be accomplished in a similar fashion.  I have studied extensively western metaphysics and mysticism and I know that astral projection is possible, and has a well documented history.  It is my belief that dimensional travel and possibly even time travel can be accomplished via astral projection.

Now you might be thinking that I am "Mad" or "Insane" or even "Crazy" by believing like this, but my basis for this information is firmly rooted in Christianity and the Bible.  When John was writing about his visions and dreams in Revelations it is my belief that he actually visited the distant future and witnessed and saw first hand the tragedy and possibly even experienced what he later called "Revelations".  Here is what Google defines Revelation as:  a surprising and previously unknown fact, especially one that is made known in a dramatic way. Or the divine or supernatural disclosure to humans of something relating to human existence or the world.

Looking at this definition of Revelation you can begin to see what I am talking about.  In the ancient world the descriptions that unfold in the book of Revelations in the Bible would not have made much sense to the people of the day, and maybe that is why John's work was so ill received at the time.  But in today's context we can see some of the signs and portents that were predicted there coming to fruition today.

But the way that John got his information was not relayed to the reader in words other than "I saw" or "It became known to me"  this seems to me that it meant that he actually either saw physically with his own eyes, or experienced what was to come personally.  Those that we deem mentally unstable, or crazy may in fact be nothing more than closer in tuned with the spiritual than we would feel comfortable with them being.  That person walking down the street talking to themselves may in fact be talking to someone or something that we cannot see or fathom in our own limited understanding of the world and the happenings around us.  Who is to say that person isn't talking to a being from another dimension or to an Angel or even God Himself?

No where in my readings of the Bible explain why the ancients had direct access to God and we don't.  I believe that God does exist and to those that have looked upon His face and seen His glory may be seen as touched or crazy by the standards we have in place today.  The angels still walk the earth, we may not be able to see them anymore because we are locked into our conscious mind and have never learned how to suppress our subconscious.  Throughout history there have been born prodigies that seemed to possess knowledge greater than their education or our understanding and have brought incredible inventions and music and art work into our world.  Maybe these individuals have a unique access to the Akashic Records or have been born with understanding of the knowledge that was passed down through the ages through the divine link.

Keep an open mind, look deep inside of your own mind and explore the further reaches, and see what you come up with. I think you might be surprised that there is a wealth of knowledge at your disposal and you haven't even accessed it yet.  Journey down the road that the philosophers have taken before you and see what you come up with.  I think that all things that the mind can believe and come up with we as individuals can achieve.  It is up to you and how you approach the world. Maybe the final frontier that we need to explore isn't outside of our world but right here in our own mind.  Dimensional and time travel maybe something that once was achieved and forgotten by our earliest ancestors.  If there was a legendary advanced civilization known as Atlantis and Lemuria, it stands to reason that they would have thought of these concepts and have mastered them.

I was taught a great deal about the Island of Lemuria by a good friend that is no longer with us, Jane Ann Dow.   Atlantis and Lemuria were two halves of the same civilization, Atlantis followed science and logic, Lemuria followed the path of metaphysics and spiritualism.  It goes without saying that when their continent was destroyed and disappeared from the face of the earth that the knowledge and understanding as well as spiritual enlightenment that they had achieved also vanished with them.  However, the social consciousness of humanity as a whole has been increasing with leaps and bounds and I honestly believe that we are on the cusp of something spectacular.  If you believe the prophecies of Revelations then we are headed for the second coming of Jesus and the end of our world as we know it.  But what if what was written in Revelations was about an ending to the way that we are living now and the dawn of a whole new era of history one that we cannot even fathom.  Where the spiritual is followed by the majority and a whole paradigm shift takes place and we become as enlightened and as advanced as the Atlantians and the Lemurians.

Wouldn't that be something and our minds are opened to a new realm of possibilities and the blinders from our eyes are taken away.

Please do me a huge favor and open your mind to new possibilities and ideas.  Look deep within yourself and see if you can't find answers to your most basic questions.  Because once you start on that path I think you will see that it becomes more natural for you.   I at least hope that I have opened your eyes to a new world of possibilities and ideas and hopefully you will not judge to quickly or harshly those around you and might experience the joy and wonder of true enlightenment and a closer walk with God.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Uncharted Territory

Friday will be etched in the annals of Gay history in the landmark ruling of the U.S. Supreme court, stating that same-sex marriages were protected under the constitution of the United States. For years the Equality movement has been pushing for rulings like this, along with the Gay Pride festivities that are celebrated in every state in the Union.  However, the Gay community is embarking on a journey into uncharted territory and with the southern states vowing to find away around the ruling, which only further promotes the intolerance, bigotry and hatred of the right wing conservatives and the southern baptist convention.

Many of today's youth who are out revelling in this years pride festivities have no idea of the origins of the pride march, or what happened at Stonewall or even comprehend the battles and sacrifices that we the elders of the Gay community made and suffered during the 60's, 70's, 80's and 90's.  In 2004, the equality movement was formed in San Francisco, California and over the years has been joined by equality groups and marches in just about every city in the world.  The gay movement or equality or equal rights for gays, minorities etc. started in the United States but has become a world-wide theme.  Other countries are more liberal in their ideas and morals on sex so it was an easy foothold for the movement to have spread to those cities and countries.

More and more I see LGBT couples demonstrating their love out in the public domain, and I must say that popular opinion has been more accepting of them.  I have seen movies where there is a gay character and believe it or not gay has been nothing new to Hollywood, check out the movie the "Celluloid Closet" if you have any doubt.  I have heard it said in several movies actors stating "I was out before it became cool to be Gay".  Yes, the tide is turning but we aren't still there yet, there is more to do than having pride celebrations around the country and the world.  We as elders of the gay community must be sure to teach and remind those that are coming up behind us that the freedoms that they are experiencing and celebrating were hard won battles.  People have lost their lives and we need to never forget the dreadful 80's where we lost hundreds if not thousands of our brothers and sisters that fell ill to AIDS. Remind the youth that Pride is more than a big party and concerts and merchandise, it is a movement a social trend, and awakening of the consciousness of the nation and the world that we are here and we are not going away.  There are no closets for us to cower in, we will not be intimidated and fearful because our fathers, brothers, sisters have won these freedoms and we respect the sacrifices and hard won victories that result in the era of calm today.

I was born in 1968, I don't remember the Stonewall Riots in New York and the eruption of indignation that followed and the formation of the movement that would become GAY PRIDE and the battle for EQUALITY, but I was fortunate to have older friends that told me and taught me the meaning of what the nation and our forbears went through to win me the freedom that I see and experience today.  PRIDE is more that a party, it is a victory celebration that denotes all the barriers, prejudice and hatred that we as a community have overcome and survived.  It is also a time for remembering all that have fallen for us. Those that have died because of persecution, hatred and of course bigotry.  Unfortunately, the war hasn't been won yet, and the conservatives and the southern coalition and the baptist are arming for war, we have won a major victory, but with every victory comes casualties.  We as a community must once again join in one voice and denounce the Governors of Texas, Louisiana and any other state that feels that they don't have to uphold the ruling of the Supreme Court.  We must let them know that we will not tolerate their hatred, their bigotry and their idea of right and wrong.  For we as individuals, deserve to be treated fairly, with respect and dignity.

I remember how in 1986 mortuary's and funeral homes often refused to pick up the bodies of those that had died of AIDS, I remember the indignity my own lover endured once he found out he was ill, and I also remember how in the final moments of his life he couldn't remember who he was much less who I was or his parents.  The years of the pain that I have felt as others have judged me and yet I am excited yet frightened at the same time by the ruling that was handed down by the Supreme Court on Friday, because we are heading into uncharted territory.  Now, that the ruling has been handed down and I have seen the reactions of some of the southern states, I am worried that the time might have changed and popular opinion has changed sides, but I know what happened during 1960's when a call to end segregation went out.  How riots rocked cities, and the national guard was called out to enforce the law.  Today we are facing something similar, I believe that there are going to be groups that strike out and violence might erupt.

The Gay community may not be prepared or even aware of the ramifications that this ruling will cause.  But, as I noted the times are changing and more people are open and more accepting today than they have ever been.  I urge caution, understand that changes are going to have to occur nationwide, that state governments as well as municipalities are going to have to change their practices.  There are also now going to be gay divorces and courts are going to have to rule on asset separation, and a paradigm shift is going to have to start from the Capital of the United States down to every local government.  Change is good and is inevitable but remember caution as we move down this road that we have no map or direction, for this is the first time that we have stepped on it.

The road less traveled is often fraught with perils, pitfalls and holes but the reward for following it is so much greater.  Which road will you choose?  Will you journey with the majority or will you walk with me on the path to the uncharted territory, I promise our journey maybe hard, and dangerous, but it will be beautiful and the rewards at the end justify it all.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Have you ever read a good book and hated for it to end?

I discovered an author who lives in Lithonia GA who writes some very deep and interesting fantasy books. Now if you head over to her website you will see that they consider her a teen or young adult author.  Yet, I find her character development and story lines very intriguing and full of colorful imagery and imagination.  She also creates a world that is believable and you feel as if you are transported into that world every time you open up one of her books.  I started reading the "Courtlight Series" about 3 days ago and ripped through them and would love to read the next 3 books in the series however right now I am a bit short on cash and the next 3 in the series are boxed up but cost $8.99.  Which is a good deal if you stop and think about the cost of just one book these days.

Terah Edun is a young adult fantasy writer that writes the stories that she always loved to read as a young girl. Her Courtlight and Crown Service series can be seen on the USA Today Happily Ever After blog and together have sold over 100,000 copies. Her latest book is Sworn To Ascension, the sixth in the Courtlight series. You can find her at twitter.com/tedunwrites or Facebook.com/TerahEdunAuthor.

Most of you know that I am an avid reader and pretty much have a book with me at all times to read.  So you have to know since this is the first author I have bragged about that there must be something special about these books and the stories that are woven in it pages.  True most of my books are in digital or ebook format but the point is that I still read. Very few authors have caught my attention and have me waiting for the next book to come out.  I can name only two others that have affected me that way. The first is Janet Evanovich and her Stephanie Plum novels and Robert Jordan and the Wheel of time series.  Well, I guess there was one other and that would be the Harry Potter Series by J.K. Rowlings.

So do yourself a favor and check out some of the authors that I have mentioned above.  You also might want to check out the Vampyres of Hollywood by Adrienne Barbeau.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

A fine line between love and hate

I know each of you have heard the old saying that there is a fine line between love and hate, but do you know exactly what this saying means?  I have watched a friend of mine time and time again go back to the man that disrespects, abuses, and cheats on her.  Now, I can understand her desire to keep her family together, she does have 3 children by this man.  But when the children witness the abuse that she suffers time and again. What point do you reach the point that enough is enough.  I have talked to her about her relationship and she told me that she would know when she has reached that point.

It is amazing what a person can endure and suffer just to make someone other than themselves happy.  What bothers me is that if things don't change soon in my friends life I can see that she will eventually walk away.  However, in the meantime she has to worry that her 4 year old daughter who is so much older and smarter than her years can see and knows that her mommy and daddy are not getting along very well.  What damage is being done to this child as she grows older watching her mother suffer quietly at her daddy's hands?  I can tell you that either she is going to develop trust issues, or she is going to accept that what her mother is going through is acceptable behavior and will look for a person just like her dad, and then the chain of abuse just continues.

In my own personal life, I spent 12 years with someone that mentally and physically abused me, I should have left way before I did. But, I had fooled myself into thinking that my partner at that time would change and realize what they were doing to me.  I also believed or taught myself to believe that this was his way of showing his love and affection towards me.  I chose to ignore the warnings and input from my friends and before I realized what was happening I was isolated from my family and friends and moved 400 miles away.  I found myself in a new city with no friends and dependent directly on my partner. I have to say that for the first 5 years of my relationship with him it was all good, the abuse didn't set in right away and was a gradual thing and sort of just snuck up on me.

In actuality my relationship didn't start to turn negative until I started making more money than him and I wanted to assert a bit of independence.  Once, I started realizing that something was wrong I found myself alone and isolated from everyone that cared about me and that I cared about.  By that time I was alone and not really sure what was going on. I just knew that him and I began fighting more and more and couldn't seem to meet on common ground about any situation that came up.  So, yes I am familiar with abuse and failing relationships.  I can also tell you that my experience colored how I reacted to other men that came into my life afterwards.

I was telling my friend just the other day that I truly did understand where she was at, and that I could tell that she was doing exactly what she needed to do to tolerate the situation she has found herself in.  I expressed my fears about what her children were seeing and being exposed too.  I could also tell that she isn't happy where she is at and who she is with and that if she didn't do something about it soon. See I can see that her attitude toward her partner has changed and I know exactly where that is leading her, and I am afraid that she is at the point where the two sides of this fine line meet.  But the approach to the line is filled with only a few possibilities, and that is that change has taken place and contentment and acceptance has been achieved or resentment and intolerance has continued to build up.

One thing that I do know is that the line is different for each person, and varies greatly.  The human heart has a great capacity for Love and each person can love multiple people at the same time and in different ways.  Love has many different phases that it goes through and it can grow in even harsh conditions.  For example you can love your parents, children, relatives and even multiple partners. If you are religious and have a Christian background you know that there are at least 3 different types of love that are described in the Bible.  They are called Eros, Agape and Philos and are described in the Bible.  Eros is know as erotic love or sexual type of love and is considered selfish.   This kind of love is based on physical traits and the strong  feelings we have against one another and it usually develops during the 1st stage of a romantic relationship.  Agape love is the special term which represents the divine-love of the Lord towards His Son.  It is the love that God commanded all believers to have for everyone whether he or she is a believer or not. Agape love is never determined by our feelings, and surprisingly you don't have to feel it to give it.  Many times this is considered unconditional love and once you start demonstrating it, you will start feeling it.  Philos love is unique kind of love and it is what you feel toward a friend or a pal.  This love is for those that are close to us and who we have shared experiences with.

Depending on how old you are you might remember the song the Rose that was sung by Bette Midler.  In that song she describes love as a rose, and tells us how it blossoms and blooms.  Love is a seed that is planted attraction, watered by friendship and trust and grows and blooms into a beautiful flower.  In other entries I have talked a good deal about love.  But this is the first time that I have gone into the different types of love.  What we haven't actually covered is how we can transition from loving to hating.  It is my belief that if a relationship isn't based on a foundation of friendship and trust then mistrust, abuse and resentments tend to build and what was once love can quickly and irrevocably be turned into hate.  If you remember I once told you that when a person in your life takes more than they contribute then just like a checkbook you become out of balance and overdrawn, and it takes you cutting them loose to bring your life to finally find balance and you can move forward.

Be aware of your feelings, listen to them with not only your mind but your heart as well.  If you start feeling resentment or bitterness toward the one you love or are in a relationship with do both of you a favor and let it go and move on before either of you get hurt. Life is too short to deal with regrets and it certainly doesn't mean that you should allow someone to abuse you.  Keep in mind that there are many types of abuse, physical, mental as well as emotional.  Both of the mental and emotional abuse may be hard to see when it is happening and might creep up on you unaware.  I further believe that a relationship is a partnership and an agreement between two individuals and should be honored.  However, but don't put yourself in harm's way and if you feel that you are being abused then I suggest you get out of the situation and move on.

Yes, there is a fine line between love and hate, and you have to be aware of the signs and symptoms.  Don't let your life go out of balance, and remember that there are more fish in the sea. You don't have to settle and whatever position, situation or path you find yourself in or on you have choices.  Remember if you don't love yourself no one else will either, and why should they.  Put yourself and your feeling forefront and make sure that you are fair in your understanding of those you surround yourself with.  You must make life your own and be open to change, be flexible at all times love freely and believe that what you give you will get back in return.  Understand that no one has the right to abuse you in anyway, and no one has the right to make yourself feel any way about yourself.  If you find that someone does make you feel a certain way or you strive to get another person's approval then you have given too much power to them over you.  Take that power back and make yourself happy no matter what your circumstances.

Think about what I have said and be careful about who you bring into your orbit and who you give your heart too.  They could just end up disappointing you and pushing you away from them.  You are important,  you are unique, and you deserve the best.

As I told my friend she has to look out for herself and her children. No one else would look out for them like she will and she needs to be happy if not for herself then for her children.  No child should ever have to see their mother being abused, it could definitely lead to a pattern of behavior that no one wants repeated by their offspring.

Think about these things my friend and ask yourself are you happy?  Do you feel any resentment or bitterness towards your partner?  If so, do yourself and those around you a favor and cut your loses  and move on.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Why do people do the stupidest things and think no one notices?

I had a good example of that just today.  A person whom I thought was a friend was at my house again today.  Hmm let's see he's actually been here for the past 5 days.  Eating my food, bathing at my place and generally just sitting around and watching TV.  Oh yeah he would cook something if I asked him too, but for the most part he just used my place as a hang out.  I come into my apartment from visiting my back yard neighbors and James, the guy I have been talking about, was packing up his stuff and putting them into the backpack I lent him just the other day.  He leaves while I was in my room talking to my neighbors daughter about her relationship problems.  I had no idea that anything was bother James, he never took a minute to tell me good bye or anything.  I heard my partner head out the door calling James name, I still didn't think anything of it.  I had been told that he and my neighbors were going to hippiefest over on the beachside.  So I just figured he was going down there for that.

Not even 3 minutes later I hear a knock at the door and I head out of my bedroom to see who it was, and it was the girls mother.  She asked where her daughter was and I said in my bedroom. She told me that she wanted to see her daughter, who was coming out of my kitchen.  Her mother was in a state of panic, James had gone downstairs and told them that their daughter was locked in my bedroom.  Now mind you the door from my bedroom to the living room was wide open.  So how on earth was anyone locked in my room.  Anyhow the mother and daughter talked and the strangest story I ever heard began to unfold.

James had gone down stairs claiming not only was the daughter locked in my room, that I stole his xanax and then later I was also accused of stealing money out of this James' account.  A few hours earlier I took James up to the bank where they printed out the statements for his checking and saving account.  He was looking at it and couldn't understand it and gave it too me.  I showed him what all the daily transactions were on his account and how his overdraft protection had kicked in, and he swore up and down that he didn't make those transactions.  I clearly pointed out to him what the bank is going to tell him that it was done with his debit card.  It showed right on the statement that the debit card was used with a pin and listed the last 4 digits of the card for identification.

Now, James went down there and got everyone all riled up, and started sending me very accusatory text messages stating that I knew what I did and that I should just lose his number.  But the more I tried to reason with him the more inflammatory his text messages became.  So I went down to the neighbors where he was trying to hide out and sell his bullshit too.  Anyhow I went down there and tried to have a conversation with him and the more logical I became the more irate he became.  He told me that I needed to leave him alone and that I needed to leave the drama outside because it wasn't his home.  Duh! I knew that he is homeless and a derelict to society not to mention a very heavy pill junkie.  But onward, he asked the woman of the house to ask me to leave, and I turned and apologized to her and told her I was leaving.  However, before I left I told James that I wanted my phone back. the charger and the backpack because I had lent him those things.  He told me that he wasn't giving me shit back because of all the things he has done for me.

To make matters worse he tried to tell me that he had recorded a conversation between my partner and him and that he was filling out paperwork with the police to have my partner arrested for threatening him.  I just wrote back and told him that he should be careful because he was the one in possession of stolen property which is a charge, and he would go to jail too.  He really didn't like that and wrote back "oh what that thing you stole from big lots" .  Which is hilarious because the charger that he has in his possession is the one that my father bought me at Best Buy. When I told him that he shut up.

However, upon talking with the neighbors, he apparently told them that he had left his wallet in the backseat of my car and that I stole the money from his bank.  I have to laugh at that because first off I never touched his wallet at all and if I had I certainly wouldn't have just taken 70 dollars out of his account. I would have withdrawn everything that I could.  Now, he knows that I have no money and haven't had any since the 10th of June so if I stole the money what did I do with it and why am I out of cigarettes and everything else.  I don't even know what his pin number is, so how did I have access to the account at all.

He really doesn't know how retarded his actions were tonight and how all the neighbors know that he was lying, as a matter of fact the neighbor lady told me that James was a pathological liar and couldn't keep all of the shit straight and that no one takes him seriously.  How sad it is for someone his age throwing a temper tantrum like this and bringing everybody into it, and for what possible reason?  It just made him look that much more foolish.  I really do feel sorry for the man because he just lost the best friend he could have ever had, over what?  because he felt left out or felt that someone stole from him.  If any of that was the case then why was he fine all day till the neighbors daughter showed up?  Why wasn't any of his concerns brought to my attention before he left my apartment? Better yet, if he thought that I stole his pills or weed or whatever why did he offer to buy some for him and my partner just 20 minutes before all of this happened?  Also while we were at the bank together why didn't he tell his suspicions to the bank clerk?  Why didn't he call the police when he was sitting in my living room trying to find out where his ex wife's death certificate was?

His behavior is truly suspect and from this point forward people should be afraid of him.  He snorts too many xanax and loratabs and then can't remember what he is doing.

I can tell you what I think this is all about is that he offered to pay my partner 50/50 on painting the neighbors privacy fence and earlier today he mentioned that he hoped that JT would let him know something about the fence soon because he didn't want to do it in the heat of the summer.  Now this means that he would have to give my partner 200 dollars for helping him and doesn't want to loose out on the money so he made this whole situation up so he could get out of it.  Well he has another thing coming too him I am going over there and telling JT that I will do it and I will get paid.

I am also going to make sure when he shows up here tomorrow that the Holly Hill Police and have him trespassed off the property permanently because now he has stolen from me I have grounds to enforce a trespassing warrant.

He really should be ashamed of trying to take my kindness for weakness.  Why would you repay the person who has opened his home to you and allowed you to stay and shower there and never asked him for a cent of rent or charged him more than 3 or 4 dollars for gas for all the rides I have given him.

Be very careful who you trust these days because you never know what type of foolishness a person like James will pull on you.  But as they say you can't help a drug addict unless they want to help themselves.  God knows what I have done and my heart and I have nothing to be sorry for or worried about because the accusations that were made were nothing but pure lies.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Health update

Yesterday I met with Dr. Clincea at the Orlando Outpatient Clinic in Orlando. We discussed my test results that I took earlier in the month and the results were amazing.  Not only have I increased my weight drastically went from 111 pounds in February to 148.6.  That is great news I was so underweight in February that all my healthcare providers were clearly concerned.

My viral load is still undetectable and my t cells are now close to 500 which is great news considering that I suffered from severe dehydration just a few months before and was unable to take my medication.  This shows my infectious disease team that my body is holding its own and fighting the disease at the cellular level.  Further, my kidney functions have started to improve and I have been moved from chronic kidney disease stage 4 to stage 3, as well as no detectable copies of Hep C in my system as well.

All in all the visit to Orlando was a welcome and pleasant change to my health situation.  However, this is just the beginning of a very long journey about my spine and the damage done by the osteomilitis that I was exposed to last year.  I was told when I was finally released from Carlton shores rehabilitation center that I had severe micro fractures along my t5 to t10 vertebrae.  See on the 1st of June I was involved in a serious car accident and my back, neck, arm and chest were affected by the accident.

I will know more later on in the month as the MRI's are finished and the extent of the damage is assessed by a Neurologist and a Neurosurgeon.

I will keep you informed as more information comes available.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Daytona Beach Florida used to be the place to go for Spring break and vacations. What happened?

In 2012, I relocated from Atlanta Georgia to Daytona Beach Florida.  When I was in school and for many years following my graduation Daytona was the place to go for spring break.  Being raised in Florida I came to know Daytona as the world's most famous beach.  But, that was back in the 80's when MTV and VH1 were still in their infancies.  Every year VH1 would hold spring breakfest here in Daytona and hordes of students from all over the country would descend upon the state and bolster the tourist income for the whole area.  But, when I came back to Florida I found out that VH1 and MTV had pulled out of the area and were now filming their seasonal volleyball games, wet t-shirt contests, bikini contests and spring breakfest in other cities such as Fort Lauderdale and Pensacola pulling the tourist income to different portions of the state.

Now, don't get me wrong we still get a some spring breakers here to celebrate the Easter and spring season, but it is nothing like what it used to be in the 80's through 2000.  It is sad to say that Daytona's economy is now firmly based off of speedweeks and bikefest and the annual turkey run.  For those of you not familiar or into NASCAR racing you wouldn't know what speedweeks are all about or what they mean to the economy of Daytona.  What I can tell you is that right around the 4th of July NASCAR kicks off speedweeks with the Coke 400 and carries us into the racing season.  One really big crowd drawer is the Daytona 500 that takes place shortly after the Coke 400.  For several weeks our town is filled with race car fans and they spend their money on dining out and shopping, sometimes even lounging on our beaches.  But, before any of that takes place are the bike weeks there are actually two bike weeks per year for Daytona, the first occurs in March and is the precursor to the NASCAR speedweeks.  Which heralds in the summer months and the hope that the local beaches will be enough to draw the tourists into town.

Unfortunately, that has become a pipedream for many of us that live here.  There is no real draw here anymore, there is very little nightlife or big draw festivals.  So what happened and why is Volusia county becoming the home for one of the largest homeless populations in the state?  Why are there more drugs sold on Ridgewood Avenue than all the income from tourist attractions combined?  These are very good questions and beg to be answered by the public officials voted into office.

You can find anything you desire on Ridgewood from Granada to Dunlawton avenue and very little police presence.  Oh the occasional officer will make an appearance usually around North avenue at the J Store and will harass the homeless and try and root out the dealers walking the streets. Yet prostitution and drug use abounds in the hotels that line US1.  The coalition for the homeless and haven recovery center try to put a stopper on the overflow of homeless but what is actually happening is a hangout for the dealers and users alike.  At any hour during the day or night you can see scores of homeless walking the streets and bouncing from corner to corner.

Other agencies like Halifax Urban Ministries and other outreach organizations try to help the homeless and feed scores of people weekly.  They also track the homeless population for the US Census.  But where are the shelters and other organizations that help these individuals get off the street and reintegrate back into society?  Why are the cut offs for assistance so low for Volusia County.  Why is there no housing programs or other urban activities to help these individuals get off the street?  The Salvation Army has a shelter but it only houses 10 men and 10 women at a time.  Yet, there are over 6,500 homeless individuals in this town. Agencies like Volusia County Department of Health set up mobile HIV testing at the coalition for the homeless, but there is nothing else really being done.

Finding work in Daytona is also a major problem.  Most companies are looking for individuals that are drug free and have appropriate attire to interview with, yet with an ever increasing homeless population nothing is being done to help these individuals.  Seasonal jobs have become the norm for those individuals, and with only 6 weeks out of the year when races or other functions happening in the area those without a place to call home have very little hope of finding a lucrative job to help them get off the street and become meaningful members of society.

In less than 20 years we have seen a complete and total transformation of Daytona.  Elected officials would rather focus on road improvements and other infrastructure initiatives that they can obtain federal funding for instead of pouring money back into capturing the tourist dollars.  Hotels and motels that once were beautiful and fully occupied now are only full during race weeks and bike weeks.  Each one of them have started offering weekly and monthly rates to attract guests for their establishments.  Popular attractions like the Ocean Deck no longer have the crowds that they used to have.  MTV and VH1 have moved to another location and we have lost the draw that they used to bring to the area.

In recent years they started having movies under the stars and the summer concert series to help residents to come back into town and spend money at local businesses.  But what we need is an influx of tourist dollars.  Daytona residents and council members need to realize that the once might Worlds Famous Beach is no longer enough to draw the crowds like it once did.  We have to compete with the theme parks of Disney and Universal over in Orlando which is about 45 miles away.  Maybe we need to reach out to the theme parks and see if we couldn't offer some kind of summer package deal that would include 3 days in the park and 2 days at the beach and see if we cannot draw people back to our beautiful beaches.

Maybe we should reach out and see if we cannot not only draw racing fans, and golf fans to our area but the beach going tourists.  We should collectively look at what Ft. Lauderdale and the cities of south Florida are doing to see if we cannot emulate them and bring back the crowds we once had. Too many people are thinking and finding that Daytona is stagnate and unchanging.  If something isn't done soon this town will be forgotten and beach goers will head to Cocoa Beach, Titusville or Ft Lauderdale and spend their tourist dollars there.  Cocoa has the Kennedy space center and was the backdrop for the well known I Dream of Jeanie TV series so has a well known name.

I hope that the city manager and council members soon realize that they are driving our town into the ground and contributing to the poverty levels of the area.  Cleaning up of US 1 and trying to attract lucrative and well received business into the area is a must.  Removal of some of these seedy motels and put in well known national chain hotels would be a good start.  Plus trying to draw maybe a broadway series to the Peabody auditorium as well as business conferences to the ocean center, maybe try and host a comic-con or other big draw festivities into our existing venues.

I don't know if what I have written here will be well received or not, but as one of them members of the community that is affected by what the local economy does or doesn't do. Is hoping that bigger and better attractions and festivities might just turn this town around otherwise I too will be just another member of this community that leaves the area for good, because I just can't survive here the way things are going now.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

I used to look forward to the weekends....what happened?

Hey there my friends...I was thinking about this over the weekend and I realized that as I have gotten older I don't really look forward to the weekends any more and it got me to thinking about what had changed and why I feel such a difference today about weekends.  Another thing that has also changed is my perception of time.  I think one of the reasons why when I was younger that I looked forward to the weekends was because I was because school took up so much of my time when I was younger.  I am not sure why or how my perception changed but it did.  Time seems to have speeded up the older I have gotten, and there never seems to be enough time in my day now.

Think about it this way when you were in high school you had enough time to get your homework done and still go out and do things with your friends. Now, what has changed? The length of the day hasn't changed, there is still 24 hours in a day.  You usually spent 8 hours in school and you usually work an 8 hour shift at work.  Yet, you don't seem to have enough time to do everything you need to do.  So do you know what has changed? Your brain has changed your perspective.  Time its self hasn't changed you have.  As you age you feel and experience time differently.  As your mind matures you start focusing on different aspects of life than you did when you were a youth.  An adult worries and thier brains are perceive time differently.

I assure you when you get older time will seem to speed up and you will be surprised to find that your days and months seem to fly by.  You may wonder why that is from time to time, but it is because you are focused on bills, work and family and not on yourself and the things that you need to accomplish such as homework.  Adults have so many things that they have going on that they have to divide and spend time on each item.  We learn and use time management skills to deal with the myriad of responsibilites that we have to deal with.  As we get older our minds look and experience time differently.

Now, I dread weekends and the reason why is because I have so many things on my mind that I have to do and weekends throw my life out of wack.  Businesses are closed and I can't get things done like I can during the week.  Weekends used to represent free time and going out to the clubs and having fun.  But today I have too many bills and tasks that I am needing to get done and the lack of money to go out.  Once upon a time I loved hanging out at clubs and drinking. But as I got older I lost the desire to go out all the time and luckily I found someone who isn't a bar fly.

For some reason I look forward to the end of the weekend so that I can get back to the work week so that I can handle business and doctors appointments.  Especially now that I have become disabled. Maybe the reason why I dread weekends is because I can't get my medical stuff accomplished.  Also because they represent boring long days with nothing for me to do.  However, I bet if I had the resources to go out and do things my perspective might change how I feel about them.

Another thing that has come to my attention is that as we age our priorities tend to change and we look at things differently than we did before when we were children.  Now that doesn't mean that we cannot have a childlike mentality or even be childlike in our behavior.  Once we reach our teenage years everyone of us wishes that we are older and we often express a desire to grow up faster than we are.  Yet, each of us looks back at our lives at some point and wish that we had done things a little different. Or we wished that we had the knowledge that we have now back when we were younger.  It is true that we have to face the consequences of our actions and choices.  It is also true that the experiences we have and the paths that we have taken have molded us into the people we are today.

It is my belief that as we grow older and our responsibilites change and we experience more of life we look at things from the bias that we have gotten or the filters that were created by the choices we have made.  I also think that where we are at in life also plays a part in how we judge and look at things.  Just because I dread weekends doesn't mean you will when you get to be my age. Honestly I think if I were still healthy and had the same job or equivalent position making the same or better money than I was before my idea of weekends would be totally different.

Therefore to answer my question what happened to make me dislike weekends, I woudl ahve to say that it is because of my lack of resources and my financial situation. My health also plays a big part of how I feel and look at things today.  Please remember that you can change your perspective and look at things from a different angle and it could turn your life totally around.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Not everything is as it seems

Words can have multiple meanings, teachings can have multiple interpretations,  problems can have multiple solutions, you can't judge someone by their looks alone. We can become so enamored by someone's outward appearance that we totally miss what is just below the surface.  As a race we tend to judge one another by the morals and standards we have developed for ourselves and what we perceive to be the teaching of our church or our parents. But you have to keep in mind there can be more than one interpretation on how to do things or live right.

Many times when two people come together they have to reconcile their beliefs with one another. Take a look the picture from a different point of view, even if two people, such as twins were born, their experiences would be totally different. No two individuals will experience situations in exactly the same way, even though they are raised the same each person takes away something different from each encounter they have. Even if they meet the same people, eat the same foods and are brought up the same exact way. Each person copes differently, has different coping mechanisms and their view point becomes skewed by these things.  Remember, each of us creates filters from which we view life through, filters are the way in which we look at life with.  You can think of filters like contact lenses or glasses that you look out upon the world through.  Each and everyone of us experience things differently therefore the way we view and do things are going to be different. Keep in mind that even shared experiences are going to be viewed and reacted too differently by the individuals that share them even if they were raised exactly the same way.

I talked about little about this in another blog entry when I spoke about how two people in a relationship can have totally different views on how something they experienced together can be so radically different. This is one reason that when police interview witnesses of a crime can have varying stories about what occurred during an investigation.  They have to look for commonalities in the individual stories to come up with a whole picture that can explain an event or incident. Now, if you think about it and apply this logic to a relationship it might actually help you to tolerate your partner doing something a different way than you would actually do it. Remember that there are many ways a task can be accomplished and that not everyone is going to do it the way you would.  You have to be flexible and accept how other people do things, because there is no single right way or wrong way to do things.

Another example that I can give you is this, the face you see in public is probably not the same face you see in private.  I know a couple extremely well and if you were to see them out at a restaurant or walking down the street you might well think that they are the perfect couple, you see them together and they seem so happy and content with each other. You really are convinced that they were meant to be together.  Which in my friends case they are meant to be together and compliment each other well. However, again things are not always as they seem.  This couple has it's share of fights and arguements and not as happy as the outward face they display when they go out into public.  Another way to look at this is that all outward appearances are masks that we wear out into public, and while that is on you cannot see the truth that lies just beneath the surface.  Another example I can give you is when people look at me they think that they are looking at a person that isn't handicapped but they would be wrong, you cannot draw conclusions or assumptions just by looking at things.  Remember that what you see is not always what you are getting.

Just because something looks normal and acts like nothing is wrong, you have no idea what another person is going through.  Humans are good at hiding their problems, emotions and feelings and hide them away.  They truly don't want other people to know that they are gong through something or are in pain, but again not all things are as they seem.  There are always things that you cannot see that lie just below the surface.  Just like an ice berg the tip is all that is seen, it is what is hidden underneath that can cause the most damage.  When you get to know another person you can sometimes see behind the mask that they are hiding behind.  If you get to konw me well you will begin to realize that I wake up in pain every morning. Some days are worse than others, but no one outside of my house would ever know what I am feeling or going through because of the happy up beat face that I put on when i leave my house.  For that matter no one has a clue that I have a colostomy bag, because you cannot see it at all while I am dressed.

The whole point that I am trying to express to you is that you cannot look at someone or something and know what is really going on with them.  You can also never know what a person is really thinking and feeling.  The only one that truly knows what they are going through and feeling is the person that is going through it.  What is on the outside doesn' t necessarily let you know what is going on in the inside.  People are going through as much drama and turmoil just like you are.  Keep that in mind as you meet and hangout with people.  Remember that there is more than one way to accomplish a task, there is no right or wrong way to do something. Be open minded and sensitive toward others so that you can get to know them and see what is under their mask.  Know this no matter what you are going through in your life there is someone out there that is going through something just as bad as you are or worse.  Life is a learning and growing experience. No one is perfect and we all have room for improvement and growth.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,


Uncle B

Sleepless night

I am attempting to write this with my cell phone so please bear(IDK) with me.  A lot has been going on in my life and some major changes are in the works.  Back in February I did some foolish things and ended up getting really sick for a little while. Luckily I had met someone who would turn out to be not only a good friend, but a person I can depend on and learn from.

Please understand and for those of you who have been reading my blog faithfully will know this already about me.  I have a great deal of book smarts, but in the world that only gets you so far.  For 40 plus years I have been ruled by my heart and my emotions.  I tried to please everyone, and I wanted to save every soul that was in need.  For the most part I was able to live that way because I had partners that  either didn't understand or really didn't care.

Over the years I was able to help a lot of people. Some of which are greatful and are successful today because of the help that I gave them others took what they could and went back to their old ways.  Of course, I am saddened by their decision, but in the end it was what they decided to make of it.  Now, there was a certain set of criterea that I followed, I wanted to the help those that were doing something to help themselves, most of the time they either had to have a job or were in school.  We would set milestones and goals that were realistic and attainable.  It worked out for the most part, yet I was pulled in many different directions and it seemed like I was always stepping out on a limb for someone.  I took time to help everyone else, but I never stopped to take care of myself.  I have been characterized by my grandmother and Angel on Earth and for quite a few people I have been.  To others I was just a means to an end, someone that was foolish enough to believe what they were selling and pretty much getting taken advantage of.

Do you know why I started this blog and what it's purpose was suppose to be? I started this blog in 2012 when I was really sick and had to have multiple bowel surgeries and then I broke my leg and I was laid up in bed for nearly 8 full months.  So as a way of trying to continue to help people I put my life out there for the world to see, all the good the bad, the ugly and the unvarnished truth.  Some people hated how much of my life I shared with you, others took solace knowing that there was someone out there that was going through or had gone through something similiar to their own situation.  So for several years now I have been chronicallying my life, but I have been giving real examples of how to overcome adversity, deal with health issues, disabilities, limitations, and most of all how to change your perspective and look at a situation objectively from all different angles.

I am proud that I have been able to help and reach so many people with my blog, and that my life and crisises that I have been through and endured have been an inspiration to many and have seen some of you through some really dark times.  I thank you for all the emails and letters that I have recieved and the encouragement that some of you have given me.  You cannot understand the overwhelming feeling I get when someone writes too me and tells me how my entry that day seemed to be speaking right too them and that it was written just so they could understand it perfectly.  But here is the secret I write to purge my soul of a thought or situation that has been bothering me, but it is God that is speaking through my word or better yet those are the words that God allowed my hands to write and maybe it was written just for you or maybe it was written  because that message needed to go out.  Whatever the reason I write what I feel and about what is on my mind or what I am going through.

Here we are again, rambling along and you are probably wondering what I was trying to say.  So, I guess I better get back on track and try to tie these threads of thought together so that you see clearly the picture I was trying to get too from the beginning.  Let me jump in right here, I was talking about book smarts, and was heading towards the fact that I have just a little street smarts, but common sense I either lack totally or I have become so used to letting my feelings and heart over rule it that it doesn't exist and I get myself into situation after situation, problem after problem, and I am still running trying to save everyone and guess what I have once again forgotten about myself, my needs, my wants and my desires.  But, as I have been telling you 2015 is a year of change and change has come to me and it started in February like I told you at the begining, it is all because of one person.  He is very shy and doesn't like to be mentioned or talked about, and absolutely hates talking about his feelings.  What I can say is this, he has taken some sort of interest in me and saw how quite a few people were taking advantage of me.  They were abusing me with their words and deeds and I was just oblivious too it.  Now here is the part that blows my mind he is half my age and then some, and here I am learning from him.

Now up until this point it has always been very difficult for me to say "NO" and when I have been backed into a corner and pressured I would cave in.  Well, I have finally 2 people in my life who constantly remind me that it is okay to say NO and mean it.  It is okay to want and do stuff for myself and that I owe no one and explanation for my decision.  All that needs to be expressed is the decision and that is all.  Boy it is hard for me, and a HUGE, GREAT, TITANIC change in my lifestyle that it is taking everyone by surprise, and yet those that matter like family and true friends are finally saying it is about damn time.

So bringing all the threads of this conversation together the purpose of this blog was to reach out and help people just like myself that were going through things and giving them real world answers and solutions.  I have used my life and my story as examples.  This is how I am going to save people now, this is how i am going to help others.  Why am I telling you all of this? Well some of you are used to asking directly for help or money, or it could be a ride that you need or a slew of other things.  But change is upon us! I know I have said it before, however this time you better believe I am sincere and this is taking place for real "Captain Save a Ho " is dead.  I cannot come to your rescue because you made a bad choice, I am not going to reach out and save you everytime you screw up and make everything alright.  I have done all of that for years and all it did was enable you to continue doing the things you are doing and putting myself into a routine and pattern that was just taken granted of.

If you need something or want me to do something for you, you need to come out and ask me.  Stop assuming that I am just going to be there or that I am going to.  I don't like feeling like I am expected to do something for you, because the truth is I am just doing you a favor, and you better understand that and respect it.  No more demands, I am taking my time, engergy and most of the time gas to help you out.  Understand that and be gracious.

Always remember this "LACK OF PLANNING ON YOUR PART DOES NOT CONSTITUTE AN EMERGENCY ON MY PART"

I have a set of criteria that I am measuring all my friends too and if they don't measure up I am cutting them loose, becasue they are just holding me back.  See if you think my criteria is on point :   A true friend is someone that puts your best interest up front, who isn't afraid to tell you the truth, whether you want to hear it or not.  Is a person that will defend you and stand up for your when you are not around.  Is a person that has your back even when you mess things up royally. Who nurses you when you are sick. Helps you put the peices of your life back together when you are devestated.  They lift you up when you are down. They will listen and offer their advice and their opinion.  Learn to consider both.

As always, my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B