Unresolved feelings can lead to bitterness and resentment

We may have talked about this before, and if we did, I believe that it is time for a refresher.  I went to my psychiatrist this morning and we talked about quite a few items.  One was the fact that I am suffering from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and that I could use some more counseling to help me deal with the issues surrounding that.  I also expressed to her that I had a desire to work on relationships, boundaries, and better interpersonal skills, specifically in the area of being a better judge of character.

During our conversation, we discussed the importance of forgiveness, and the releasing of our inner feelings.  Because none of us is perfect and can never hope to achieve perfection, we have to settle for being just a work in progress.  I mentioned to her that I learned over the past couple of years that forgiveness isn't for the other person it is for us. It gives us a sense of closure and helps us release the feelings that we had been harboring towards that person.  Unresolved feelings that we harbor towards another can lead to resentment, anger and bitterness towards that person.  If you cannot release and let go of what was bothering you, can you honestly move forward?  Can you talk to the person civilly or will there be outburst of some sort?

I have learned over and over again that if you are wanting to change something you have to learn how to release the burdens, problems, pain and anger that might be holding you back.  It is true that we all come with baggage, but how we cope with that baggage determines our ability to move forward.  Remember that you have to let go of the past in order to move forward. Therefore, when you release the past you must release all the pent-up emotions that go with the incident. Yet, once again in order for you to achieve this you have to start with yourself.

All change must start with yourself, forgiveness starts from with-in, and if you don't release the feelings that reside in you at the same time, you could start to get bitter and develop resentment, which left unchecked could turn into hate.  Like I discussed with you in another article bottling up your emotions causes undue stress in your life,   You could blow up at the least little thing and at the wrong person. I also told you that it is impossible to move forward if we hold on to the baggage of the past.  You cannot carry anything new if you have all the old stuff hanging around you.

Let me give you a real life example of what I am trying to explain to you about moving forward. Let's say you are on a date with someone.  If you talk exclusively about your last relationship the person you on a date with probably will think that you aren't over your ex and aren't ready to move on.  See, you haven't let go, or resolved your past, and therefore you cannot move forward, your hands are  still full. Once you can find closure with the trauma of the past, you must still deal with the emotions that thinking about the issues bring up. If you don't you can never move past the place where you are at.

If you learn to let go of the small things and just focus on the big ones you might be able to successfully navigate the treacherous waters of life.  No one said that it was going to be easy, that you wouldn't have to work hard to make it through?  If you worry about every little thing that creeps up in your life you will never have the chance to move forward, and you will soon become frustrated and willing to give up and surrender, and my motto is never give up, never surrender! I also believe that we cherish and adore the things that we had to work the hardest for,

Remember that nothing comes from nothing, nothing ever could.  All this means is that without hard work and dedication nothing can be accomplished, because we have to put forth some type of effort in order for you to collect a return.  The formula actually works out like this mathematically effort x work = positive return.

So my dear readers, you must let go of the past to take that step forward, and you must forgive those who have done you wrong and hurt you, you must forgive yourself and gain the closure you need to move on, and release those burdens of the past so that you can receive the new blessings that are coming your way.  Remember you can't move forward with your hands full of your past deeds. Gaining the closure that you need to move on is the hardest thing in the world to achieve, however as I have found if you can forgive yourself and those around you that have caused you the pain, those cares and problems fall away like they never existed.  A feeling of total peace will come over you and you will have the strength you need to move on.

Remember always that my hopes and dreams are with you, so take care of yourself and we will see each other on the flip side.

Uncle B

Aging is not all that it is cracked up to be

Many of you will not be able to relate to what I am about to say.  But, I have felt every year as it passed me by since I was 24 years old. See, I came home from the Navy at the ripe old age of 23 and right before I turned 24 I was diagnosed with terminal stage 4 cancer. I went through several years of chemotherapy and radiation.  I lost years of my life just existing instead of truly living.

I moved to Atlanta at the age of 27 and spent almost 20 years there. It was in 2007 when that nasty cancer struck back and I lost my job, my home, my partner of 12 years, and even my self esteem, and sense of self all in one fell stroke.  It has taken me years to come back from it all.  But, this article isn't just about me.

My best friend's mother is 66 years old, she is frail, has a speech disorder and can barely get around. My friend has given up his freedom and livelihood to take care of his mother.  My mother is a similar case however my mother is 68 years old and can barely walk do to a spinal cord injury.  My mother can take a few small steps, but for the most part is confined to a wheel chair.

I once asked my mother before her accident how she felt, and what she said to me stuck with me for all these years.  She told me that if she didn't have the aches and pains she would have felt like she was still in her 20's, but when she looks in the mirror there is a stranger staring back at her.  Who is this person with the white hair and wrinkles that has her eyes.  The simple truth is it is her, herself staring back but her mind cannot accept that reflection.

Yesterday, I walked to the store with my neighbor, and by the time I got back to my house my back was hurting and I felt extremely warn out.  I even told my friend that I was feeling all 46 years that I have been alive, like I have never felt before.  Age seems to creep up on us, our minds don't measure time in  the same way that our exterior body does.  We can feel as young as we want to in our mind and spirit, but age shows in the slight crinkles around the eyes, the laugh lines around the lips etc.

Time seems to speed up the older we get.  We were once able to do so many things during a day. We would go to school, hangout with friends, do homework and party and do it all over again the next day.  Today, I can barely get everything I want to get done finished in a single day.  But tell me where does time go?  How is it that we went from being twenty somethings to forty somethings?  Why didn't we notice it happening.  Why does the person staring back at me in the mirror not remind me of myself?

Time apparently waits for no one and everyone ages.  How we do it is up to us. Some of us don't look our age, and then there are those around us that look older than they are.  How does all of this reconcile as we age?  I am not sure that I can comprehend that I am now middle aged and that youth has passed me by.  I have waited on the sidelines for many years due to illness and here I go again.

I can tell you that health plays a major role in all of this.  See my best friend's mother just a year and a half ago had no issues or problems. Today you wouldn't even recognize her.  It seems that age can creep up on us really fast and leave us holding our breathe.  In this I can also relate. When I left Atlanta that morning back in 2012 I was so sick with kidney disease, and had just had surgery to remove kidney stones.  It truly was my intention to come home to die.  Guess what I fooled everybody because I am still here, but over the past 3 years my health has declined noticeably and I can no longer do some of the things I used to do when I was younger.

It is these limitations that let me know that I have truly aged. No matter what my mind has told me I am every bit of 46 and there is no getting around that.  Since 2013 I have spent around 20 times in the hospital, these are admission stays that I am talking about, ER visits are way more.  Over these past couple of years I have had to have 2 more abdominal surgery, one vein repair from an aneurysm then had an extended stay in a rehab/skilled nursing facility.  My health has declined and not gotten any better.  Just like my mother and my best friends mother, both are experiencing complications due to age.

It is unfortunate but all of us age. We all get older and we all feel it differently.  Some of us get aching joints, others get cancer or some other illness.  But, despite it all life goes on.

My eyes have awakened to my own hypocrisy, when I was young I like younger people. I never dated anyone my age or older.  Now that I am older I find that I am still attracted to younger guys, but I have become what I always hated the older guy that used to hit on me when I was in the club.  Age does not necessarily bring wisdom, but it does bring experience and knowledge.

My tastes are changing just as I am aging.  I find people closer to my own age attractive and I have realized my blunders.  How much of my life have I missed because of preferences and screwed up priorities?  I would have to say more than half of my life have I lost many opportunities and missed relationships.  However, because of the very illnesses and operations that I have had, made me reevaluate my preferences and priorities.  I find that people my own age can relate to the things that I find myself going through better than the younger generation.

The older I get  the more issues come up.  The more pills I have to take to keep myself alive and healthy.  But, this is not just happening to me, it is happening to all of us.  Some of you are way younger than I am.  Some of you were born the same year I graduated high school and you have no concept of age, and what is about to happen to you.  See, I have to tell you once again that as you age, time seems to go so much faster.  When you blink a whole month flies by, and before you know it the year is ending and a new one beginning.

My advice to you is to revel in your youth, enjoy it while you can.  Live in the moment and experience life to it's fullest.  Handle every obstacle that life throws at you with grace and courage.  Be confident in all your dealings, know what you want and go for it. Take charge of your future, you are the one that writes your fate.

And if you look in the mirror one morning and you don't recognize the person looking back at you. Take heart that you have aged gracefully and rose to every challenge.  No matter what aches and pains you have, look back at all that you have accomplished and be happy with where you are at.

Take your medicines regularly and keep a positive attitude and it will help you conquer anything that comes your way. Take care of yourself, eat right and get plenty of sleep. I think you will find that your body and mind thanks you.

Aging isn't fun at all, but it is something that we all have to do. So make the best of it. Age gracefully and know when to let go.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Bigger than Life

Today has been all about a very dear friend of mine that I will never forget.  Someone that never had much but was happy and content with everything she had.  She wasn't self-conscious, vain, or envious. She was brutally honest, courageous, and magnanimous.  Was never to busy to talk, had great shoulders to cry on, and a smile that lit up the room.  She always saw the good in people, never found fault, never stayed down for long and always had a kind smile, warm heart for anyone that came into her life.  She was a very dynamic force and one that couldn't be contained in one body.  Maybe that is the reason why God took her so young!

Her memorial service was today and so many people got up and spoke her praises.  She had a personality that was larger than life.  She wanted to change the world and strove to do so with her volunteering with the Positive Champions Speakers Bureau.  All she ever wanted was to change one persons life, to reach one person with her story. But she impacted each and everyone of us that knew her. Mary was the embodiment of warmth, sun, caring, love and sharing.

She traveled all over telling her story over and over again to groups and individuals alike. She didn't care what others thought, she only cared about what she was fighting for.  She dreamed of a world where there was no such thing as HIV or AIDS and fought towards that end.  She would make you laugh, cry and even shake your head in disbelieve because she was bold and courageous.  Whatever she felt she said.

Souls are attracted by vibration and not by looks, and Mary taught me that.  It didn't matter to her what you looked like, or how you dressed we were all the same to her.  When two souls resonate together they recognize each other and form a bond of friendship and love.  I still remember how she flirted with everyone and didn't care what they thought about it.  She lived in the moment and nothing could take that love of life away from her.

I was fortunate to live close to Mary.  I got to see her a lot, we also talked a lot on the phone and she helped me through some very difficult times in my life.  She had a light inside of her that drew people close, her personality was such that once you were in her orbit you were her friend.  That light inside of her could drive away the darkness and for a brief moment when she was around you knew that anything was possible.

Yet, in the end God chose to take her from this earth and bring her home.  I have mixed emotions about that.  See, I depended on her guidance and her words of encouragement when my life got into some tough spots.  I don't have anyone like that anymore, she was it.  I am going to miss our talks and how she boosted me up and never tore me down.

So what would I like to say to Mary?  Well, I would tell her thanks for taking the time to teach me how to embrace my own Awesomeness and reminding me that everything we do, is building us towards something else.  She saw ahead of her that there were endless possibilities and  opportunities to share her testimony and her story.  When I say that Mary was larger than life, I mean exactly what I have said. She was bigger than life, she radiated warmth and acceptance with the greatest of ease and she gave great big bear hugs.  She wasn't afraid to touch you, nor tell you about yourself if you were in the wrong.  She lived in the moment and by doing so she achieved what most of us envied.  An openness to talk, a freedom to express exactly what she needed to when she needed too. She was comfortable with herself, her situation, her looks, and everything that made her up.  I admired her honest, conviction and courage and I hope that just a little of each of those has rubbed off on me.

She gave hope where there was fear, she gave love unconditionally and expected nothing in return.  Though she may be gone, I don't think it will ever be possible to forget her. She had a great impact on so many of our lives.  For that alone I know she will live on forever in each and everyone of us.

Thank you for keeping her family and friends in your prayers.  What more can I say, Mary saw a world in which change was possible and she struggled to help bring it about.  I can't tell you how grateful I am that she chose me to be a part of her family.  She helped and loved beyond any situation.  She was so full of light and life that it was nearly blinding to look at her at times.  She knew what she wanted and set about trying to get it. A spirit of a lion and the heart of a lamb.

I am going to miss you so much, but I know now that she is with me everywhere and I remember the words she told me when my partner left me and did all those things to hurt me. "You deserve better than that Bryan, you deserve to be happy".  Now, I know that the secret to happiness is found only with ourselves and no where else.  Thank you for reminding me of that.  I am jealous or even envious of her, see it was so easy for her to talk, to get her story out. She wasn't afraid, because there is no reason to fear the truth.  Again, thank you for the lesson Mary!

Oh yes, I have a voice and I write in that voice, but speaking I tremble on the inside.  She told me over and over again, to just be yourself and it will all work out. Guess what she was right and I am still here today.  She didn't have transportation much of the time I knew her, but it didn't limit her much. She still made it to Group and Positive Champions meetings.  I don't think I have ever seen her discouraged for more than a minute. She never gave up on anyone!  She always saw their goodness and she brought that out in all of those around her.

When I say bigger than life that was Mary. Yes it was and I think that she burned so brightly to everyone around her that her poor body just couldn't handle all of it.  When I tell you that she loved, she did!  She loved Gay Men! She Loved Children! She Loved to talk! She loved to hug everyone! So today was Mary's day and will remain for me till tomorrow. Today was a day that was sad, somber, yet funny and exciting as well.  I have a heavy heart because of the loss of my friend but a big ole smile on my face as I sit here and remember.

You maybe wondering why I am telling you all about my friend and her life and what she meant to me.  So, let me tell you that there are lesson here that you can learn from. Something each and everyone of us can use in our daily lives.  You may not believe me, and I am not sure that I do yet myself, but I think as all of us gathered today to remember our dear friend something magical and wonderful happened.  We were reminded that life is fleeting, and that we need to cherish those around us.  We need to surround ourselves with family of our own choosing, be inclusive of everyone, fear nothing, accept everything, live in the moment, cherish the life you have and what you got.  Take back your power, live for yourself and throw your hands and heads up in the air, don't care what others think of you. Just do you and everything else will fall in place.

What can you learn from Mary?  Everything there is to know about life and living.  Learn something new everyday, share it with those you love and those you don't know. Live in the moment, experience everything with baby fresh eyes, those eyes of wonder that still see the magic in the world.  Keep those you resonate with close to you, because like souls attract like souls.  Stay positive, focused and tell your story to anyone who will listen.  Everyone has a story to tell and you never know where a casual conversation might lead you.  Seek the goodness in others, freely give kindness to those you love and give love to those that love you.  Speak your mind and your heart will follow, don't filter out anything.  Someone described Mary today as having the gift of Transparency and I think that is a place where we should all strive to be.  You never had to guess what Mary was thinking or feeling you could see it and feel it.  That is what is meant by being transparent.  We are all given a voice and we must learn how to use it. Your story is unique just as was mine and Mary's but there might be someone out there that needs to hear it. You may save someones life, or your words might heal their hurting soul.  Your story could change 1 persons life and like Mary said "If I can reach or help or change one person than I have accomplished my task".  Mary changed a lot of lives, so many hearts, and will live on with each of us who knew her.

But, now my friends as you read what I am writing about  her, she will also live in you.  You may not have met her, you may never have seen her. But you know her spirit, her heart, and the magical way she changed the lives of each and everyone of us that came in contact with her.  Please take away from this entry if nothing else, one person can inspire change in the world. Yes, you can. All it takes is you to find your voice, tell your story, and live your life like Mary lived hers.  Trust me.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you!

Uncle B

When you make time still

Last night we talked about how life comes out of darkness and from strife comes change.  I wanted to talk to you more about darkness and moments in our lives when we need to sit back and reflect.  Each of us comes to a point in our lives when we look back over our life and are disheartened by where we are at.  Most of the time this comes when we are down and are trying to figure out which way we have to go.  Darkness has descended on our lives and our emotions are all embroiled.  I reflect back and I look at where I am today and I am saddened because I sometimes feel like I have been a complete failure.  My father said once that Bryan look at your life and what you have lost, you are 46 years old and you should know better.  You cannot help everyone, some people don't want saving, and they just want to take advantage of you and your kindness. You should be so much more secure in your life and situation.  FAILURE is what that message screamed to me, making me feel even worse about myself and the my life.

See, I never thought that at 46 I would be living back at my dad's struggling to get back on my feet and to turn my life around.  If you look back at where I have been and what I had you will begin to realize that my life wasn't so bad.  But from my current vantage point it is just so much easier to see where I am and not where I have been.  Yes, I miss my home, my cars, my friends, my old life, but the loss was not of my own doing.  I had some fault in the matter, but illness took the center stage in my life and rewrote my story.  This can happen to anyone, no matter where you are at in life and what you have achieved, illness can come in and with a wide sweeping reach can take everything away in a blink.  I have been going through a very dark place for a very long time, and it will never be over.  What I look forward to is the bits of light that break through that darkness and for a little bit light my path.  In other words, from 2005 till now I have been in and out of hospitals constantly and have been fighting for my life. I have been sick and there doesn't seem to be an end to this in sight. Yet, there have been spots in this turmoil where I have met friends, partners and lovers, that have made life bearable.

During those times of darkness and when the doubt and despair creep in, I need to take the time to reflect and make time stand still. I need to look back at my life and see the whole thing. See the bigger picture.  See, it isn't where I am at that is important. No, it was the journey that brought me here.  It is what has molded me, crafted me and made me into the person I am today.  When I look at all I have done, been and accomplished my life doesn't seem so bleak at all.  As a matter of fact my life starts looking to like a plot to a movie or a great fast paced book.  I have had such a colorful past, many interesting friends and have been into so many things and through so much drama that you would think that I couldn't have possibly lived like that.  Trust me, anyone that knows me can tell you that I have had a very blessed and magical life.  So,  when I take the time to actually reflect and see the entire picture the story doesn't seem so hopeless or tragic, on the contrary it starts to look pretty darn good.

In our darkest times and we are stuck without light I believe that there comes a point just before the light crests the horizon that we come to terms with whatever it is that we are going through and just at the perfect precise moment that all things seem possible to us.  Like life is renewing itself and everything starts to seem right again in the world.  Now, you might be wonder what in the world am I talking about.  If you remember back to an article I wrote in 2012 I told you that there are no perfect moments in our lives, that time waits for no one and we have to create those special moments by doing little things to make those moments memorable forever.  It is my belief that during our trials, tribulations and pain, there comes a single moment when we have made a decision to change and have started to take steps on that new path that a moment of clarity comes to us and we know that what we are doing is possible.

This is just another point in my discussion that strengthens my argument that out of darkness comes life.  That the strife that we face in life (darkness) is the catalyst for change. During our journey through that time of darkness there comes a moment in our thought process where we begin to look for answers and an escape from the trouble that is hounding us.  I believe that when we sit back and reflect on our lives, and see the journey and the destinations we have had along the way we make time still and our mind calms and we can see all the possible solutions to our situation.

Just keep this in mind that everything changes, and you have to too in order to evolve. Nothing last forever, and in the darkness everything seems possible at some points.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Positive Affirmations

I know that last summer we talked a great deal about positive thinking, positive energy, and positive living.  We also talked about words and how they have power, they can either build or destroy depending on their usage.  But, as I have found out over this year, these same words of power can have meaning all to themselves and can benefit you in your daily life.  I call these affirmations, these are sayings that you tell yourself over and over again.  You can post them on your mirror, or somewhere where you will see them often, and everytime you do say them aloud.  These are positive tips that will help you, they will also help you maintain and keep your positive mental attitude for the day.

Remember that the more positive you put out in the world the more positive you get back.  Just like everything else in life if you live what you say you are going to go far.  Trust me when I tell you this.  Many self-help teachers and authors will tell you that if you want to be successful you must live and breathe the part, the same is true with keeping a positive mental outlook.  If you want to be positive you must live and be positive, there is no other way.

I have read books that tell you if you want to be a vice president of a company you must dress and act the part.  This is important, the image that you create for yourself is in effect a construct of creative visualization.  If you can imagine yourself in the part, you can manifest it in your life.  The same thing is true by you using affirmations.  If you tell yourself every morning that you are perfect and love yourself, eventually you will.  I have told my friend who has major self-esteem problems that maybe he should get a tatoo around his collarbone that says LOVE THYSELF, but backwards so that each time he looks at himself in the mirror or takes a picture of himself he sees it.  The more you see it and repeat it, the more energy you put into it and before you know it you are manifesting it in your life.

As I have told you before, one way that I prepare myself for the day is I get up every morning and I count my blessings one by one, and then I give thanks that I am able to live another day.  My same friend that I mentioned above does something very similar except he says a prayer.  Basically he thanks God for granting him another day and he says it seven times.  I am not sure what the significance of 7 is to him, but I know that it brings him that much closer to God each and every time he says it.

Affirmations are simple little phrases or sayings that you can post on your walls at work, mirror, monitor or other places that your eyes look every day.  They can be little things like "Smile You are Loved" or "Love thyself" or "Be Happy" or even "Today is a brand new beginning with no mistakes".  Remember the more you say them, the more you begin to believe them and that gives them power.

No one should be able to make your feelings about yourself change. Others shouldn't be able to make you feel any certain way.  Have confidence and self assurance that you know what you are doing and trust me it will show in everything you do.  People respect and appreciate those that are confident and strong.  When you make a decision stick with it.  These are things that will help you grow and mature.

When someone else changes your mood or makes you feel inferior or self conscious you have given them way too much power over you and I beg you to take it back from them.  Because they aren't doing you any good and adding much more stress to your day and your life.  March to your own drum and keep your own goals and desires in the forefront of your mind.  It is the only way to actually live.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

The weather is Dreary but disposition is Cheery!

I woke up this morning with the usual suspects..aches, pains and that persistent cough.  But the other thing I woke up to was the phone ringing and a pleasant and happy sounding voice on the other end of the line.  Often it is the opposite when the phone rings in this house.  You have know idea who is going to be at the other end of the phone, and in my case it is usually bill collectors calling about this hospital bill or lab test that I haven't been able to pay for.  See no matter what I do it seems impossible for me to cover all the expenses that this illness has brought to me.  I do have medicare, and I now have insurance from the company I work for but it still doesn't cover everything.

Even with the President's attempts to help people like me with the new healthcare legislation the slope is still very slippery, and now the choices that we have aren't all that clear to us.  Plus, none seem to cover everything and I am still stuck in a situation where I have to pay large sums of money to receive the care that I need just to survive.  Not to mention the cost of the prescription drugs that I have to take for my HIV, which are not covered in the formulary for medicare's 100 percent coverage.  I still have to pay over a $1000.00 per perscription per month for my drugs, though my antibiotics and most other medicines are covered at 100%.

Now, for those of you not in Florida this morning's weather is quite cloudy with heavy wind gusts and it is cooler than I am used too.  It has been like this since Friday and I am hoping that the cloud cover will dissapate soon.  However, as I said in the title it maybe dreary or gloomy outside but my inside is full of happiness and cheer. Despite the fact that I have been sick with bronchitis I woke up this morning with a song in my heart and a hope for a great and blessing filled week.  Like I wrote last night I have been going through the motions of living for the past year.  I mean I have been going to treatments, working, hanging out with my partner and basically doing the day to day minimum to life, but I haven't been out there in the fore front of activity.  I haven't been to a Positive Champions Speakers Bureau meeting in a year, or PCHAP or any of the other organizations that I was a member and active participant of.  You may ask me why is that, and I would have to tell you because I haven't felt good, that I haven't had the time or energy and honestly my health hasn't been up too it.  Every one of those things is the truth and even individually on their own would keep a normal person from participating.  But as you know I am far from normal and I am usually pretty active.  However, I just couldn't get into the groove of things this past year and I let so much slide.

Yet, for whatever reason this morning has been different and I feel a renewed energy and a sense of purpose that I haven't felt in quite awhile and despite my cold and bronchitis I feel that I need to be up and doing something.  I have made coffee already and several phone calls and the day has barely begun. I think that my long road of holding has finally come to an end.

This has happened to me one other time in my life when I went from being in an extensive pattern of holding to bursting forth from it with a renewed vigor and I can tell you it was the Summer of 2008 after my last ileostomy.  It was June, I remember precisely because it was before Atlanta changed the dates on their Gay Pride celebrations.  I had gone through 2 years of intense holding because of repeated surgeries on my colon and abdomin.  Finally I woke up one June morning and decided to put on shorts and go out into the world and see if anyone noticed that I was wearing a colostomy bag.  Guess what they didn't and my sense of self and self esteem were tremendously bolstered by that fact. Then I learned techniques that have kept it hidden from everyone until I have been ready to reveal it and that too helped my confidence level. See it took me taking that step out there and going on blind faith to get out of that pattern and break the mold that was holding me in fear and self-loathing and let me tell you that having bags to use the rest room is quite a morale deterrent and something that I had to live through and get over.  Going out into public and having people seem me as totally normal and not noticing that the bags were there was a big boost to my ego, self confidence and so forth.  That day changed the way I viewed myself and the way I let other perceive me as well.  Today I woke up with that same renewed feeling of self confidence and hope for a brighter tomorrow.

Remember it is not the outside package that means anything at all it is what you have on the inside that matters.  Hold yourself with self confidence and poise and you will attract others like yourself too you and things will start to look up.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Expect the Unexpected...

As most of you are aware the first few days of December have been extremely busy for me. We had rehearsal for the play “Faces of AIDS” on Thursday November 29^th and the actual live performance was on December 1^st. Now keep in mind that December 1^st is World's AIDS Day and it is also my birthday. This year I turned 44, which is surprising and amazing in itself since no one ever thought I was going to make it to be this old. But you know God has different ideas and plans for our lives and if our work on earth isn't finished then he just might not bring you home. Actually if you want to know that truth of the matter my life started picking up speed right before Thanksgiving and hasn't actually slowed down yet. But as I was saying since I was co-author of the play and a member of the Positive Champions Speakers Bureau and this was a benefit to raise funds for our organization to help us meet the grant requirements, it was my duty to help set up the space and get us ready for the performance. However since it was my birthday I was expected to make an appearance at my dad's place to have a little celebration before the rehearsal and set up, so that is just what I did and it worked out well, I was able to get to the Museum of Arts and Sciences early and help the cast get all set up and organized. Now when I tell you that the performance was awesome, a good time was had by all, I am not selling us short. For the amount of time we had to rehearse and get this under our belts we did a fabulous job. We had a great turn out and when we opened it up to questions and answers the audience participation was excellent. I want to again tell the members of the Positive Champions Speakers Bureau once again, Good Job, Well Done and I am so proud of you.

But that was just the beginning of the adventure that was going to start on December 1^st, after the Faces of AIDS Benefit, most of us went on to the Streamline Hotel for another fund-raising event that was to benefit Outreach Community Care Network an AIDS Service Organization of which I am a client of. They are the organization that helps administer the Ryan White Title funding for Volusia and Flagler counties. They are almost like a pride center, they offer medical services, case management, and a whole host of other services. But I digress as usual here. The benefit at the Streamline Hotel was in Tribute and Remembrance of Billie Boots. Who was a pioneer and champion in raising money for HIV and AIDS from the very beginning. I am proud to say that I knew Billie and the huge heart that he/she had for those infected and affected by HIV. For those of you that haven't figured it out Billie was a female impersonator or as some might call her a Drag Queen, no matter what your choice of titles for Billie, I will just say this an Entertainer that really loved Entertaining. Now back in the day when I first met Billie I was a struggling and aspiring female entertainer myself and I had a stage name of Idora Dixx and for years I traveled the drag circuit with folks like Billie Boots, Gilda Golden, Rusty Fawcett, Carmella Marcella Garcia, Paige King, Daniel Hunter and the list goes on. It was at this fundraiser at the Streamline that I ran into my past and reconnected with some great friends and entertainers that I had lost touch with over the years. It was a fabulous night and a great time supporting a worthy cause.

It was also that night that my tooth broke, so Monday I spent the day trying to get in to see a dentist to get it fixed, and then start packing, because my friend Judy decided to call me Sunday December 2^nd and pay for my plane ticket out to L.A. Then Tuesday came and I had an appointment with the dentist in Orlando so my friend Mary Bennefield and I jumped in the car and drove to Orlando to see the dentist only to be sent away because I had an infection and my insurance would only cover extracting the tooth. Wednesday my friend had neuro-surgery and I promised to take Mary grocery shopping and run errands. Thursday I had to clean house, do laundry, meet with the Vocational Rehabilitation people and so many other things. Because I was leaving on my trip to California on Friday. Now normally I am not so manic, but I really wanted to get the house clean and everything put up so that when I came home from this trip everything would be done and I wouldn't have to do anything but come home and relax. Because in my experience I usually need a vacation from the vacation because I am one of those people that is always on the go.

Now the whole reason why I am telling you all of this stuff is to demonstrate that we need to always expect the unexpected and be amazed and surprised when miracles happen in our lives. Because let me tell you a bit more about this past week, the things that just jumped out at me and happened. These are not all bad things, most of them have been pleasant revelations and I want to demonstrate them to you. See the way things were happening, me being sick with pneumonia right after Thanksgiving, the play rehearsals, then the benefits, I just had no time to think let alone do anything but react. Because of that I was open to the unexpected and great things happened. I think in a way because I wasn't feeling well, and so much was happening around me, my mind just disconnected and I was open to receiving the unexpected. Now what am I talking about by the unexpected? Well let me tell you, the unexpected are events that take place around you and include you that you are unprepared for totally. That being said I will use the play event as an example, even though I had helped write the script for the play and helped with stage managing and blocking the cast, I wasn't actually prepared mentally for the performance. I had just been out of the hospital for 7 days and my mind couldn't remember my lines to save my life. But when it came down too it and I was on the stage and the action was happening around me, a peace settled over me, it almost seemed like time slowed down, and the action around me faded just a little, and the words poured out of my mind and mouth like I knew what they were supposed to be. That my friends is the unexpected. Moving on, I was exhausted and my feet hurt from being on them all day, I had no intention of going to the Streamline that night, but I had never been there before and everyone was talking about going and somehow I just agreed and went. Bam! The unexpected happened, not only did I have a fantastic time and got to hangout with my new friends from the Speakers Bureau, I also ran into some very old and dear friends from my past. I actually reconnected with a few, exchanged numbers and have made plans with them for after my trip to California. So see, the unexpected just jumped out at me and happened. The rest of the week was just happening so fast and everything was a blur, I didn't think I would even have time to catch my breath let alone get everything done that I wanted to get done before I left, but as I shut the door on my apartment this morning I smiled on with contentment everything was completed and done before my father ever showed up to take me to the airport.

Here is another example of expect the unexpected, and it wasn't necessarily a good thing either, see the unexpected can be either good or bad depending on the situation and the circumstances that surround it. I got up this morning had a few last minute things to pack, which I had put out in the living room by the suitcase so I would see them when I got up, I got all of that done with remarkable precision, even had the ticket laying on the coffee table in a place where I would see it and pick it up. Dad got there and I scooted around to get him the stuff I wanted him to take home because I thought it might go bad while I was gone. As we left out I gave the keys to my neighbor so she could collect my mail for me and stuff, and had dad take me to the gas station to get an electronic cigarette so I could have something to smoke on while I was in the airport and on the plane. Once I paid for it and got back in the car I looked around and couldn't find my itinerary or e-tickets anywhere. I couldn't find them in the car, we went back to the gas station and they weren't there, and then we went back to my apartment and I looked around and couldn't find them anywhere. All my careful planning and making sure I had everything went right out the door. I had made dad come over early so I could be early to the airport. Got there just a little before noon and guess what the flight didn't leave until 3:55, it was supposed to leave at 1:52. Then my connecting flight in Charlotte was also delayed. Again, it is me, I should have expected the unexpected!

Honestly no matter how hard I try to plan something it always falls apart or turns out a colossal mess, however if I do things spontaneously and by the seat of my pants it usually turns out spectacular. I have been told that it is a part of my nature as dictated by my zodiac sign which is Sagittarius. I am not sure how true that is but I know that things seem to flow better and have better results when I just wing it as they say. So, what is it that I am trying to tell you in this article? I am telling you that you have to be open and flexible. Life rarely goes the way we want or plan, you have to accept the inevitable and just go with the flow, the unexpected isn't always negative, it can have some positive benefits as well just like in my examples. The truth is life just happens and no matter how carefully you plan, sculpt and try to make things happen, it might just go awry for no apparent reasons. Realizing this will cut down on the stress and disappointment you feel when it happens to you. I have told you before that life is messy, full of twisted and colorful characters, chance events and encounters, adventures and all sorts of things that will get you totally filthy dirty if you let it. Enjoy it, go out there and get crazy wild and totally dirty, but have fun doing it. Don't let your temper flair because your vacations plans got screwed up, go with the flow, enjoy yourself. I am sure that if you just let it go, go with the flow and enjoy yourself no matter what you are going to have the time of your life.

Life is crazy, hectic, and doesn't conform nicely or neatly into rigid roles, rules and plans, so you have to expect that you are going to be thrown a curve-ball every now and then, that your plans are never going to happen as you expect them to and that you have to be flexible and enthusiastic enough to just go with it and enjoy it. This trip started off pretty good and I am rolling with the flow here, and I am happy that I did, I haven't gotten upset or stressed out at all and this is going to be the best trip ever, wanna know why? Cuz, I found out that my boyfriend is coming to meet me tomorrow which is totally unexpected, but totally welcome. Again expect the unexpected and be open to change. It is all about acceptance and adaptability.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Living your own life can inspire someone...You just never know!

This is an email that I got on Meetme.com yesterday, and I wanted to reprint it here, along with my response.  We just never know how us living our daily life, and being ourselves can actually help or inspire someone else.  How you handle and deal with your everyday problems and crap can actually give another person hope.  Plus, we actually never know what another person is going through or feeling until we actually talk to them.  But here it goes:

The email I received:  Just wrote a message but not sure if it sent. Here goes again You are facing a lot of challenges but you keep a positive attitude. That is an inspiration to me. I suffer from bipolar disorder type 2 aggravated by a brain injury from my wreck. I battle depression daily, though the meds do help. I am sole caregiver for my 87 year old mother with mild dementia and arthritis. I don't get to get out much so my computer is my social life. Friends like you mean so much to me.

Here is my response:  Thank you so much...I hope you will read my blog, I use my own life and circumstances to show people that there is so much to be happy for and content with in life. I don't get out very much either. I was in a 12 year relationship in Atlanta that ended badly. I moved to Florida and left everyone and everything I knew behind. Life throws us challenges, and how we respond to them and overcome them is what actually matters. See I look at life as a journey, and though we all set goals and dreams, these are but destinations on that journey. We may never ever get to where we want to go, but we always get to where we are supposed to go. It is the adventures and the situations that we find ourselves in that mold us and shape us into the people we are.

I have 6 terminal illnesses, they say I am not long for this world. I laugh at that because I have been hearing the same nonsense since I was 24 years old, and guess what I am still here 20 years later, plugging along. I hope that by using my experiences and what I have learned upon this road will help others. People are what is important. Trust me money isn't neither are material things. I have had it all, and lost it all and keep on rebuilding and reshaping myself, because money comes and goes, friends come and go, and all we have is ourselves. A friend of mine once said, we all have many friends, yet we stand alone. Only I can make myself happy or feel a certain way about myself. If someone else makes me feel unhappy or bad about myself then I have given them way too much power over my life. I need to take it back.

Life is about constantly changing our views and perspectives to see the road clearly. Always try to remember this. Our sight is limited, we can't see what is ahead, we don't know what the next minute is going to bring us. We only have the present where we are at, it is what we know. However, we can see clearly the path that has brought us here, because we walked it. We need to use our past as a guide to our future. Hence the saying that hindsight is 20/20.

Nothing holds me down for long because I have learned that just over the hill, through the storm awaits a reward for being diligent. With the bad comes a measure of good and we have to take both in order to survive. Happiness is not something that can be found from without side of you, it can only be found within. You must be content with what you have, who you are and where you are at, at every phase of your life to really be happy. Not to mention being gracious and thankful for what you have. 

Every day is a brand new day, with infinite possibilities, adventures, trials, roadblocks, friends, acquaintances, and wonder. It is also a clean slate with no mistakes in it..which is wonderful because we get to go out there and mess it up all over again, and have fun doing it. Life is messy and complicated and we are complex beings with tons of feelings and emotions, so it suits us very well that is it is messy, because we can get all dirty and filthy and laugh and play, and do it over and over again.

I have known a lot of people who have bi-polar disorder and I know how you have to struggle with it every day, and how depression can creep in when you least expect it. So what I do is I try and think of all the blessings I have received, and the things I have accomplished in the week, and how many people I have talked too, how well my advice was received and that gives me my Positive Mental Attitude for the day.

As I was stating, just being ourselves might make all the difference in the world.  Extend the hand of friendship and see where it leads you. You might be surprised at how a casual email or conversation can really touch another person's life. Nor where those conversations might lead you.  

I never thought that just by complaining about how my day was going, and what I was going through was going to impact another persons life like this. I too understand about using the computer and current technology as a social life and a window into the world.  Though I do miss social interactions and dealings with people on a daily basis. Hence my decision to go back to school and try a new career.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Trouble comes around when you least expect it.

Today was a busy day for me I ran around trying to get my finances in order because I have a ticket to pay in Atlanta for my little excursion that turned out to be a nightmare.  I had called the court last week and found out that the ticket was going to cost $194.40 for stopping in the road way.  The officer was trying to find drugs in the car but since he couldn't do that he decided to give me a ticket anyway.  Well, I got the money together because when I talked to the court last week they told me that I could pay it via the automated system.  However tonight when I called the automated system it tells me that there are two tickets out there and that I needed to appear in court. So I went online to see if I could pay it via their website and what I found out is that there are two tickets issued one back in 2007 and then one I got in 2012.  Now, the ticket in 2007 is not mine at all. The tag numbers don't match and the "party" field shows unknown.  This is very frustrating for me because I finally got all my ducks in a row so that I could take care of this and get myself ahead of the game.

Keep in mind that when I got a hold of the clerk of the court in Atlanta, I was told that I specifically had to pay the ticket before my court date or they would suspend my license. I explained that I didn't live there and that there was no way that I could appear in court and I was trying to get an extension, she told me that I needed to write a letter to the judge asking for a reset of the court date because I couldn't appear.  Now, I am not sure what I am supposed to do at this point, because even if I left now I would be stretching my finances so thin that I probably would end up getting stranded up there again. I cannot afford to have that happen, the last time I went up there I got stranded and my health suffered and I ended up in the hospital 4 times total. Honestly, I can't and don't want to go through all of that again.  Even though a part of me would like to go up there and try and find my friend Tony, but I don't even have a clue where to look for him at the moment and I am not sure he would even come back with me if I did find him.

Besides which I have an appointment with the doctors tomorrow to discuss the referrals I need to see the GI specialist and neurologist.  It seems that I am having a residual problem with my left leg from the drain that they removed from my back a week ago, when they went in and drained the cyst that had formed.  I knew that Saturday when he pulled the drain out that he had hurt the nerve. I was told that it would bother me for a short period of time, but the pain has gotten a lot worse today. I am thinking that it is because of the weather.  See I have had problems all my life when the barometric pressure drops because I had a fractured skull when I was born.  Then when I was going through chemotherapy in the 90's they infiltrated the vein and the tissue on my right arm got damaged.  It would turn black when the storms would come and I would get terrible migraines.  Today a storm rolled in and my leg started hurting and my arm was sore as well, and on top of that I had a terrible migraine that lasted the whole day.

I wasn't prepared for having all of the pain on top of all the drama that has ensued.  I even went by work today to pick up the check that they owed me for the deposit I paid to stay in the hotel that my company manages. I didn't stay there at all because last Friday they told me that I would have to pay a $200.00 deposit and I didn't have the extra money to come up with that.  That was drama filled as well because just earlier on Friday I was told that I wouldn't have to pay a deposit because I worked for the company.  I guess they knew that they were going to fire me on Friday, because the deal was there would be no deposit as long as I worked for them.  In hindsight I guess I should have figured it out, but I was so excited about finally finding a place of my own that I could afford, and a person who was willing to work with me and knows my situation.  

I have come to expect that when good things happen in my life they are always tempered with bad things.  See this past weekend was so filled with blessings and good things that I should have known that bad things were just around the corner.  However, there is no warning when bad things are looming.  The good thing is this we are promised that we will never be given more than we can bear, God knows what our limitations are and will ensure that we have the strength to endure. Remember that every time a problem or crisis hits us there is a lesson somewhere in there to be learned. I want you to keep in mind that each of has our own trials and crisis's that we have bear it is how we rise up and deal with each of them that defines us and gives us the strength for the next one that is coming.  Just like land storms come and go, they rage and blow, cause damage, but they always move on they never last forever.  Problems are the same way.  Remember that no problems is ever as permanent as the solution. How you look at the issue or situation also plays a major role in how long it will endure.  I have told you over and over again that perception plays a vital part, and if we over analyze a situation too much we have a tendency to make it form a molehill into a mountain.  Once it becomes a mountain, we fret and worry that there will be no way to surmount it. I am here to tell you that you can and will make it to the summit and down the other side.  Keep on keeping on.

Have faith that when a storm of problems arise that there is something that you are supposed to be looking for a hidden lesson that you need to learn and grow from.  This will keep you from dwelling on the actual event and keep your eyes looking forward, and your momentum will be steady.  Before you know it you will have sailed right through to the other side of the issue and it has been resolved.  I was talking to my best friend last night and was telling him this exact same thing.  Nothing can hold us back if we just keep focus on the situations surroundings and deal with the issues as they arise.  I call this plodding along, just keep putting one foot in front of the other and before you know it you will have made it through that issue or crisis and will be heading toward the next one.  On Facebook I posted "It appears that I have entered the storm...Wonder what new direction God has planned for me now. A new adventure and journey lie beyond the storm. I can see a break in the clouds, ready boys weigh anchor, set sail and let's go...I am ready for this change."  I am confident that I am going to get through this time. I can see a break in the clouds and I know that there is sun and warmth on the horizon.

As I have told you before we never know when trouble is going to pop up, we actually are given very little warning. The reason for this is that everything we have been through in the past is supposed to prepare us for what is coming next.  Yet, there are times when something we have never experienced or encountered before creeps up on us and we are taken totally by surprise.  We honestly have no idea how to approach or handle the situation.  I believe this is the time when God will send us a person we need that will help us manage the problem.  See I believe that every person that is brought into your life is there for a reason, some of the time we encounter someone who can teach us something that we don't know about ourselves or life.  Other times there is someone that is brought into our lives because we are meant to teach them something.  Whatever the case maybe keep your eyes and ears open, your help is already there and you just don't even know it yet.  We are never thrown totally into a situation unprepared or where a way out hasn't been provided us.  We just have to look around and change our perspective to see the answer and the solution or to find the one that was there to be our support through the problem.

Like I said everyone comes into our lives for a reason and are there for their allotted time before they move on.  There is a third type of person that comes into our lives that may always be there. They are our confidants, our best friends, they can be our teacher sometimes, they can be our student sometimes as well, but they are always there as an ear to talk to a person to depend on and a shoulder to rest upon. These are the most precious of people in our lives and they form a very unique support network. They are going to be there with you through thick and thin and will always have your back.  They are the ones you can trust and count on when everyone else has failed you. These are the ones that you must take care of and be sure that you nurture and tend to that friendship they are rare indeed.

As for my problems, they are minor, I know that I will make it through them with only a little of muss and fuss. I know that there has been some kind of mistake on the court's side in Atlanta and in the morning I will get it taken care of.  As far as the job is concerned I will do whatever it is that I have to do to make it all work out. Nothing is impossible in this world if we only strive for perfection one day at a time.  Keep that in mind and take it with you.  You will see that what I am saying is the truth.  But as I get ready to close this out I want to leave you with one thing more. I know I mentioned what seems like ages ago, but Salt n Pepa told us in a song, "Whatever the mind can conceive and believe you will achieve".  With that I am going to say good night.  Remember positive thoughts bring positive energy. Keep your chin up because this too shall pass! Like it always does and you are going to be that much stronger for it.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

I want to tell you how amazing things can turn out!

Last nights entry was all about me embarking on a new phase of my life and how I had taken a leap of faith and just moved out of my parents house, and how things were going.  Well, let me tell you about the day that I have had today! Because miracles and wonders never stop around me.  Remember how I told you last night that you just need to step out, take a leap of faith and trust that God has your back.  Well, God surely looks out for those of us that are working hard to improve ourselves, let me tell you.  I moved all of my stuff last night to the hotel like I told you I was going to do.  I also told you that as I was unloading my car one of my co-workers came up to me and told me that I was going to have to pay a $200.00 deposit for staying there on top of the $363.28 I had already paid them.  It hurt my feelings and really kind of upset me if the truth must be told. Instead of wallowing and storing that anger, I wrote in my blog and then I prayed on the situation, left it at God's feet and went to sleep.

I had a really rough night, because apparently no one has stayed in that room in rather a long time.  Because in the middle of the night I woke up with my sinus full, eyes watering and me sneezing.  All I could smell was dust, the pillows were filled with, so was the blankets and the sheets, with me being allergic to dust I really wasn't feeling all that well.  Anyhow, I survived through the night and woke up this morning to make myself some coffee, and the coffee maker was filled with mold.  Now, you can imagine how upset I was about all of this, because the $200.00 deposit was to make sure that the room was clean and ready for the next person to just come right on in. Well, long story short once I saw the state of the coffee maker I decided to start looking around the room, and it was filthy.  The air conditioner was also full of dust, the bathtub had black foot prints in it and the floors throughout needed to be swept.

I got out the broom and was about to start cleaning up the place when my cell phone rang, and this guy Aaron called.  A woman I had met through work had given him my information, and told him that I was looking for a place to move into.  She told him a little about my situation and told him what a nice guy I am and so forth.  So, he decided to call me and offer to show me his condo that he has for rent. He went on to explain to me that it is a very large 2 bedroom with 1 bath, a nice size eat in kitchen with all new appliances.  He told me that the rent would be $700.00 a month, and that included everything but electric.  I explained to him that I had already given my money out on the hotel, and that I had no idea if I would get my money back.  He patiently listened to me and then said to me, well you know what the place is ready to move in and already has electric, you can either move in right away or stay at the hotel and move your stuff in slowly over the next two weeks, which ever I wanted to do, he had already paid the bills for this month, so he really wasn't losing any money at this point.  He told me to just go look at the place and make a decision.

So I went and looked at the place, and I loved it, it is large and quiet and perfect for me.  As a matter of fact it seemed like it was just made for me. It looks a lot like the apartment I had in East Point last year that I lost and I like the location of the place, it is convenient to everything the stores, walmart, work and only 12 miles away from my parents.  I honestly couldn't ask for anything better at this point.  But, this isn't all to the story, Aaron went on to tell me that I could stay in the apartment till the end of the month and owe him nothing and just work on getting the electric turned over into my name as soon as I could. He also told me that he was willing to work with me on the deposit.  That we would split it up over three months and that on the 3rd of November I would just have to pay him part of the deposit and the rent of $700.00.  Now, can you see the Hand of God working here?  I can, this man doesn't know me at all.  I took a leap of faith and stepped out of the comfort of home earlier than expected to make sure that everything was ready for my step-brother and his girlfriend's arrival, that way my step-mom wouldn't have to work so hard to get the room ready with just a little time before they get here.  Aaron is taking a leap of faith that he can trust me, letting me use the place and live here till we can get everything finalized and in writing.  That is God's work!  He is taking care of me just like I told you He would.

We never really know what the outcome of any decision we make is going to be.  We hope for the best and plan for the worst, and when we leave the situation in God's hands it always works out just exactly as it is meant too.  I knew that God had my back and I knew that no matter what I did I was going to make out okay.  That is exactly what happened.  I am so thankful for this and all of the many other blessings that God has given me this year.  All it take is a little patience, effort and faith and things turn out just the way God wants them too.  I am now safe and in my new home, and since I never took possession of the hotel, on Monday I am going to go back and ask for a refund of my money.  I may loose a little bit of it, but guess what in the long run it was worth the effort.

Yesterday when I was writing to you I had no idea how things were going to turn out for me. I didn't know if I would ever find a place to call home, nor did I think I was going to be able to make it with how tight money is for me right now, and I was worried about all of these things and a whole lot more. Now if my boyfriend comes around we have a place that is our home, and I am happy that everything worked out exactly as it did.  There might be a little friction trying to get my money back, but I think that once I take my coworker up and show her the room and prove that I haven't been in there, that she will stand by me as I try to get my cash back from my boss.

So again I tell you that sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith and do something, anything, put forth some effort, because as the Bible tells us God helps those that help themselves and here is living testimony of that fact.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Shutting down and closing yourself off should never be an option!

Last night I talked about some of the issues I have been facing.  How I have felt alone and dead inside because the one person I want to share my issues with has closed themselves off and has shut down. He is trying to deal with his own health issues on his own. He has shut down and cut himself off from his family, friends and loved ones, he has isolated himself to try and deal with his problems on his own.  I have reached out sent text messages, left voice mails, tried calling, even resorted to emails and emailing him via Facebook. His isolation has made me feel alone, lost and has caused me to worry more than he can possibly imagine at this point.  It has also kept him from participating in what has been happening with me. I am sure that he has gotten my messages, and knows that I have been in the hospital twice, that I have gone to see my surgeon, and have a doctors appointment tomorrow afternoon.  But, what he doesn't know is what I have found out so far, and how it is going to impact our relationship.  What he also hasn't come to realize is that by cutting me out and isolating himself from me he is cutting his lifeline, keeping him from using the knowledge and experience I have in the matters he is going through.

See I am a firm believer in talking, communication to me is the key to everything in life. When we talk about our problems and issues with others we gain perspective, and the mountains we have made out of the molehills take on a very different shape. By discussing our problems with others we begin to realize that maybe our issues aren't as big and as scary as they were when we were trying to deal with them on our own.  By confiding in others, giving them the trust of our openness we find that we have a support network that we can fall back on, that we are not alone in our fight, and we are now open to suggestions, knowledge and guidance that may help us navigate the issue at hand.  I know what I am talking about here. I have 20 years of dealing with illness, I have a great network of family and friends that I can call on to help me tackle the problems that arise.  I know how important it is because I also need help from time to time to navigate the pitfall, stumbling blocks and hazards that life throws at us.

I can help my friend with his problems because I have been there. I know what he is going through, the emotions he is feeling and I can protect him and help him navigate and find the best care out there to treat what is happening with him.  But, I also realize that his shutting down is his coping mechanism, his defense against a threat that is bigger than himself, and how he is handling and mitigating his fear.  But knowing these things doesn't help me feel less helpless and alone in this situation. See we are a couple, a partnership, and he should be able to confide in me, trust me with his fears, concerns and what is happening with him.  I can be his rock, his guidance and inspiration in this fight. I want him to know that he isn't alone, that he is the one person and thing that keeps me going in my own battle. I want to repay that by being his!

I know that sometimes it is hard to see the forest because all we can see is the trees before us.  I know that we can lose our way and get lost if we aren't watching where we place our feet.  But, I also know that we all need someone, we don't always know what to do or how to react to information that is thrust upon us.  Talking and communicating with others helps us with that.  It also keeps us grounded and focused on ourselves and what we need to do to solve the issue or problem.  We don't have to fight any fight alone, we have those around us that are more than willing to share in our pain, adventure and life if we just give them the opportunity.  Maybe it is pride, or fear that keeps us from opening up. Maybe it is the mistaken thought that if we don't say what we are facing out loud, if we don't consciously think about it, will make it less real and less threatening.  Trust me those are fantasies, what we are experiencing is real and no matter what we wish or hope it isn't going to go away on it's own. We have to face them with courage, hope and conviction that we are going to win and survive.  Keep a positive attitude and outlook will go a long way in making the situation bearable and manageable, but we have to get there and gain that perspective. It just doesn't magically appear.

Give voice to your doubts, turn to your friends and family, let them help you and guide you through whatever it is that you are going through, you are going to be happier if you do. You will feel less vulnerable, you won't feel isolated and alone, let them help you carry the burden, because you shouldn't have to deal with the weight of the issue by yourself.  Keep yourself open to the ideas and opinions of others, because they may give you an insight or inspiration that you might have otherwise missed.  A different treatment plan or way to handle the situation, because we each see things differently and from different perspectives.  Try looking at the problem or issue through another persons eyes and you will understand what I am talking about here.

Also if you are in a relationship with someone you cannot expect them to sit idly by and let you deal with the issue on your own.  You have to understand that they already feel powerless to help you, they see the pain that you are carrying and they know that they can do nothing to alleviate it and make it better.  But what they can do is be there for you, they can be the shoulder that you cry upon, they can lend you their strength, support and wisdom, and they can help you find the right answer.  You owe it to them to give them the opportunity.  Keep in mind that a relationship is a two-way street, that it is a partnership, you are supposed to be working together to build something, but you are also there to help one another through the difficult times too.  Give them the benefit of the doubt, talk to them, let yourself embrace their love, warmth and support.  Listen to them, let them help you carry the burden and lessen your load.  It will make it easier for you to heal and get better if you aren't weighed down with the stress and weight of the situation all by yourself.

I posted several weeks ago on Facebook a message to my partner, I know he knew it was for him, just as I know that most if not all of his posts are meant specifically for me. Others, may not even know that we are dating or a couple but we know it, and we have a short handed way of talking to each other even when we aren't really talking.  It helps us realize that we are in it together. But in my post I reminded him that we are a partnership and that I wasn't a silent partner, but a full sharing member. I was hoping he would get the point that I am here for him and always will be. Even if we weren't dating and didn't have plans to be moving in together soon. I would still be there for him. See when I tell you I am your friend, I am your friend no matter what. I will be there for you and you can count on me. I am not going anywhere.  I promise you I am your friend till the very end.  If I open my mouth and I say the words I love you, you better know that I mean them, because those aren't words that I say to everyone, and they have a special meaning for me. They are words of binding, and if I love you, that means I am with you, and only you.

I know if you have read my other posts in the blog I mention that the human heart is the only heart I know that has the capacity to love more than one person, it is also the only heart I know that can love someone unconditionally.  We have the ability to accept a person, their good parts and when we do that and we are truly in love we never even notice or see the bad parts of them.

If you ever find yourself in the same situation that I find myself in, be sure you let your friend or partner know that you are there for them, give them the space and time they need to come to the realization that you are sincere, you are for real and that you aren't going anywhere. Because often times we let our past experiences color our thoughts and ideas about our present, and we can't do that. Remember no two people are the same, and no two experiences are exactly the same no matter how similar they may actually seem.  If someone has left you in the past when you have confided in them or have asked for their help, that doesn't mean that everyone is going to do the same to you.  You have to accept people at face value. Keep in mind that actions always speak louder than words.  I know from first hand experience that anybody can tell you anything, yet their actions and time will reveal if those words that they have spoke are actually true. I am not saying that at the time they were spoken they weren't true, because they probably were. But, their strength and the strength of their character may be weaker than they thought. See if they follow through and live up to what they have said and promised.  Most people will, but those that don't measure up, let them go, because they aren't the ones you want to have trying to support you in a time of crisis.

I also posted yesterday that the scars of the past are always with us.  They are visible, but just because they are still there doesn't mean that they aren't healed.  By saying this what I mean is that we have gotten past the hurts of our past, and we are reminded of that past by the scars we bear, but just because that scar is there, doesn't mean that ever other person is going to do the same thing to you. You have learned from the mistake, you have healed from it, be open and receptive, the next person isn't going to do the same thing to you, give them the benefit of the doubt and the opportunity to show you that they aren't going to reopen that old wound.  As I have said earlier no two people are the same, neither are two situations, so you getting hurt exactly the same way this time through isn't likely at all to happen.  We also have to stop looking backwards, because we cannot move forward if we are constantly focused on the past.  The baggage of the past needs to also be left in the past, don't keep comparing your current to your past because that would be like comparing apples and oranges, because no two situations are identical.

Please understand that by closing yourself off from your support network of friends and family will seriously limit you from receiving the guidance and wisdom you will need to prevail over your situation. Each person is different and should be afforded the opportunity to prove to you that they are not going to hurt you like the person from your past.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Life rarely turns out as planned or expected, but it is what you make of it.

When you are young, you think nothing is impossible, you are filled with hope and dreams, fueled with drive and ambition.  College may have just been completed or may even be an adventure yet to conqueror.  Now, I am not saying dreams, goals, hopes or ambitions are bad.  What I want to prepare you for is the inevitability that is called life.  See, when we are young and relatively inexperienced with the challenges and roadblocks that life throws in our path as we embark on our journey, we tend to make plans and goals for the future that we just never get too.

The reason for this is because of many different factors.  Some of which include stumbling blocks life throws us, and unexpected complications in work, school and maturing over time.  As we get older and mature we don't always re-evaluate our priorities or goals that we have made in our younger years. When we fail to do that we tend to wake up one morning and wonder why we aren't exactly where we thought we would be and are disappointed in the progress we have made.  At times like this we start to second guess ourselves and the choices we have made as we moved forward on life's road.

Recently, I sat down and had a reckoning with myself.  I wondered how I had gotten to the place I found myself at.  See I had planned on a whole different life from the one I have. You will be surprised at what I had found out.  It wasn't necessarily because my feet weren't on the right path, nor haven't I made the right decisions.  There were other factors, that I couldn't have ever foreseen in my life's plans or goals.  Everybody has different ideas of where they are going to be and what they want to do when they are in high school.  Those thoughts might might change a little bit while they are going to college. But it seems that later in life each and everyone of us looks back at our lives and we wonder why we haven't made it to where we thought we would be.

As I was saying a bit earlier this year I decided to look back at y life and I was surprised at where I was at and honestly I found myself disappointed with the progress I had made.  Keep in mind I was looking at current life versus expected ideals, and never took into account the journey it took me to get here.  Once I factored in that I was still not happy at all with my progress, but satisfied with my achievements.  See I looked at where I was currently at that exact moment in time, and not the whole journey.  Which I will try to explain more about a little bit later.  As I looked back at myself and on my life I only took into account at where I was at, at the present moment. Who would have thought that at 44 years of age I would be at home with my parents, with no place of my own, and no car and living on social security?  When you look at it from that perspective it doesn't sound good at all and is rather depressing if you ask me.  Which as you can imagine did cause me a few days of grief.  However, I began to realize that as with all things in my life it is how we look at them.  The angle at which they are viewed and the perspective they are viewed from, that makes all the difference.

Nobody likes to look back at upon their life and wonder what they have done wrong and they start contemplating the what if's, and honestly you can't do that because you will be drowning yourself in depression, doubt and guilt.  If you are anything like me, you looked back and were surprised with where you find your found yourself.  See my problem was I didn't take into account where I had been and what I had accomplished.  I was just looking at where I was at now.  Forget taking into consideration everything I went through and what I had literally lived through. I never stopped to look at the health issues, relationship issues, and all the other factors that had gone into how I had gotten here.  I focused solely on the end result and let me tell you I wasn't happy!  Then it dawned on me to consider the journey I had been on and the adventure of life, the circumstances that had brought me to this place, and that is when I realized that the path I was on had brought me to the exact place at the exact moment I needed to be there.

There is no mistaking that I needed to be at my parents home when I got here. I wasn't even here a week and I ended up in the hospital.  Two weeks later I had to have emergency surgery and before I knew it I have been in and out of the hospital a lot over the past year.  In order to get the care and attention I needed I landed exactly when I could get it and I am thankful I made the decision to come back here to my parents. In retrospect when I look back at the journey I have made. I am proud of what I accomplished, the friends and acquaintances I have made, the lessons I have learned.  More than that I have come full circle in my life.  I came back to where I have started.  I am smarter, more educated, more mature and in a far greater position than I had been in when I had left.

Sometimes I ask myself, "Would you do anything differently if you had to do it all over again?"  The long and the short of it is this, if I changed anything would I still know what I know now?  Would I have met the same people?  Would I have had the same experiences?  No! I wouldn't have is the answer to all of those questions.  So, No I wouldn't change a thing.  The one thing I value most in my life are my friends and the friendships I have made.  If I were to loose even one of them I wouldn't be happy.  Another thing I look back and I see the accomplishments I have made.  I am the first in my family to get my Bachelors and Masters degree. I served my country and received a Navy Achievement Medal for my time in service.  I am a plank owner of the U.S.S. Wisconsin (BB-64).  I have helped hundreds of people in my life without wanting anything in return and I have completed everything I have ever wanted to do with my life. Do I regrets? Yes, I do, but not the kind you would think of.  There are some people who were in my life that I gave up on when I shouldn't have. Plus, there were my dark years. The years in which I found myself immersed in the world of drugs, sex and self-destructive behavior.  This is also the period where my actions were not always friendly, more on the destructive side.  These are my only regrets.

Here I am on the other side of that period and I look back in awe and wonder at the friends and relationships that were formed during that time of my life and I am amazed at how many of them have survived and are still with me today.  I am thankful for their support and friendship.  They have made everything I went through worthwhile!  If I look further back at my life I can be proud of the time I worked for the State of Georgia.  The skills I learned and the friendships that still survive today as well.  It is inspiring to know that three different Governors depended on me, asked my opinions and listened to my advice.  How even today five and a half years later my name is still well known.  Who knows had my health held up I might even still be working there today.  I was happy with that job and that life.  What came after was the hard part.

But, even after tell you all of this, I don't believe I would change anything that I have gone through nor any of the people I shared those experiences with.  Because it is through all of this and all of them that I have become the person that I am today.  See, I realized this year that I am the culmination of every choice and decision I have made.  I am the result of every experience and relationship I have had.  I have grown, adapted, changed and matured into a much different person. If I wouldn't have gone through those things, suffered the setbacks and health issues I wouldn't have made it to the point in my life where I am at.  Nor would I have the background and the experience that I live and share with you.  You may ask about the illnesses that I have faced in my life and without rehashing my whole story. I will just tell you this June marks the 20 year that I have been fighting cancer and leukemia.  In 2006 I was diagnosed with HIV and in 2012 I was diagnosed with Hepatitis C and Kidney/Renal disease.  Life has not been easy for me and yet through it all I try to remain positive and strong.

These illnesses were a necessary part of my development and have given me so much more insight into the human condition and life itself.  It has brought me that much closer to the Divine and God Himself.  It has taught me the meaning of faith and how to look past the frailties of life and look at the soul of a person.  It has prompted me to put my feet on the path of the philosophers journey and experience life from all aspects and points of reference.  So, I don't think I would even change those experiences if I had the opportunity. But, along with saying that I wouldn't wish any of these things on another person not even an enemy, which I am glad to say I don't have many of.  But lest I mislead you, I cannot say that I am altogether happy with the outcome of those illnesses.  I have the bag to contend with and the fears and phobias that go with that. Then there are the scars . The damage to my colon and the limited sexual things that I am now limited too.  Let me try to explain further about these things.  You can find more on them in the blog entry entitled "Inner Demon finally reveal....is there still hope..?"   The life of mine has not been a bed of roses. Cancer has eaten me up and yet, I am still here.  Since 2005 I have had to have 12 bowel resections, which means that I have lost several feet of large intestines. I have had a colostomy, ileostomy, another colostomy, and other ileostomy, and then finally they added a colostomy with the previous ileostomy, so currently today there are 2 stomas sticking out of my abdomen.  Then over the years I suffered from small bowel obstructions and had to have 8 sections of my small intestines removed, yet here I am!  Now add in renal and kidney failure with Hepatitis C and you are at where I am today.  I have the scars both physically and emotionally to prove it.  The scar tissue and adhesion's are so bad that on June 13, 2012 they attempted to reverse the colostomy that was put in on March the 5th and I died on the table 3 times before they called it quits, I had to have 5 blood transfusions and spent 19 days in intensive care.  I was told that they could never operate on me again or I would die. So at this point I have no further options when and if the cancer or radiation disease strikes again.  That was the other thing I forgot to mention in 2005 I found out that I was also suffering from long term radiation disease from the treatments that were used to save my life back in 92.

Now, most people would be depressed and buried under the weight of all of this, but I find it a challenge, and it has made me stronger, given me a broader outlook on life. It has also made me look at the world from a different perspective.  I see the positive, beauty and good in the world.  This I think has given me the energy that I need to continue to fight and live each day to the fullest.  What I want you to take away from this entry is this.  no matter what your plan and how hard you strive to get there to that ideal place in life. The world is going to throw you curve balls and obstacles in your way. Each and every one of us looks back on our lives and we are never happy with where we are at.  What I want you to do is look at the path and your journey that you have taken to get to where you are at.  Change your perspective so to speak and understand that it the journey and your path that is important, and you have arrived at exactly the right place at the right time where you need to be.  That by changing the way you view things you are going to see that how you got to your place is far more important, then the actual place itself.  It is the journey that makes everything worthwhile.  Cultivate the friendships and relationships you have made along the way. Take time to smell the roses, understand that life is short and that each and every moment that we have on the earth is as precious and important as anything else we could ever learn.  Remember life is not always what we want it to be but it is exactly what we make of it.  Appreciate the fine things in life, enjoy the culture the music, the exotic sounds and colors. Explore and learn all you can about everything around you.  Take the inner journey and find the answers to the questions that have been plaguing you.  As your perception changes, your outlook on things is going to change, and you are going to notice subtler things, and you will understand more of what life is actually all about.

Remember if things don't work out don't get frustrated, angry or upset.  Keep in mind that you are going to find that you are actually precisely when you need to be, that is just the way life works.  Think about it and you will see that I am right!

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

The Positive Champions Speakers Bureau

For those of you who have been following my blog for any length of time you know that I am very candid and open about my life and the illnesses that are affecting me.  Some of you maybe aware if you have been following my Facebook account that I dedicate an enormous amount of time to volunteer work.  Recently, as I was attending the Partnership for Comprehensive HIV/AIDS Planning, I learned about an organization that reached out and spoke to me.  During the meeting they had a Positive Champion perspective, which is a person infected with the disease that talks a little bit about their experience and the stigmas and fears that they faced when they found out.  Now, honestly this hit me so close to home and it made me ask for more information about the group and what their mission was.  Since that first meeting back in April, I have joined them in their cause.

The Positive Champions Speakers Bureau is comprised of HIV-Positive individuals who have come together in a setting that feels like home. We talk about our experiences, what our fears are and were, the stigmas we faced and continue to face, and how HIV has affected our friends and community.  We are a group that leans on and supports one another, and through our efforts we speak out to raise awareness of the disease, we seek to educate others about the issues of living with HIV/AIDS and we hope to end the myths and stigmas that surround it.  Just like so many other illness, when you are told that you have HIV/AIDS, you immediately think that you are going to die, that your life is over, and you wonder how you are going to tell your friends and family what has happened to you.  See in the community at large there seems to be this gulf that people assumes or hopes isolates them from it being their problem.  Since it isn't directly affecting them, they feel safe, and don't bother to learn or understand the enormity of the scope of the disease.  The Positive Champions Speakers Bureau hopes to put a face on the disease, to make individuals understand that it is a disease that doesn't care if you are gay, straight, a millionaire, a drug user, a housewife, a deacon in the church, a song writer, singer, or any other such thing. It can strike anyone anywhere.

Did you know that every 9 1/2 minutes someone in the U.S. is infected with HIV?  And it is everyday people, your doctor, your lawyer, the school teacher, the lunch room lady, your neighbor, your child, or you yourself.  It is a deadly disease, and their is a terrible shame that is associated with it and a guilt that is hard to fight.  There are many ways in which you can catch the disease, but the most common are unprotected sex, IV drug use, having multiple sex partners, etc.  There is a latency in which the virus can remain dormant for a number of years and creep up on you unaware.  Take responsibility for your sexual actions and understand that even that one time could be the time you get it...that one time you didn't use protection is all it takes.  Be sure to get tested regularly.  Know your status!  Trust me it is important, because there are people out there that felt fine, had no indication at all that they were Positive and when the test came back they were.  You don't have to be sick or have symptoms to be infected.  There is a myth that you have to be ill or in the hospital to be infected, but honestly it isn't true.  I had no symptoms, I felt fine, was going for my annual physical with my oncologist and the normal battery of test were run, I decided that it had been 3 months since my last HIV test and it came back negative, that I didn't have anything to worry about so I asked my doctor to run a new one for me with my other tests.  Two days later I was called into the office and told that I was Positive, and that they were going to run a phenotype and genotype to see what strand of the virus I had, but before I left his office he had made an appointment to see an infectious disease doctor the next morning. Now this was because of my medical history, I had been battling cancer and leukemia since 1992 and my immune system was already compromised, by the way this was in 2006. I was placed on a drug regimen even though they caught early on and I had less than 200,000 copies in my blood, and my t-cells were in 600's.

The reason why I am writing about this is because I want each of you to check out our website, it is located at  http://www.positivechampions.org  You will definitely find a lot of information on there, we dispel a lot of myths and stigmas and there are youtube videos that you can watch that will tell the story of some of our champion's.  I want you to encourage you to come back often because each of the members will eventually have their stories up there. You can see our upcoming speaking events, you can even request to have a speaker come to your place of employment or your church or any other type of function and we would gladly schedule the event and speak to your group.  If you would like to volunteer your time or know of someone that might be interested in joining us please feel free to get in contact with me or have them contact one of the members at the site.  Honestly we are inclusive group we do not discriminate in any way, even if you aren't positive, but know someone who is, or have a loved one that is infected we invite you to join our group, because you are affected by the disease as much as the infected person.  As I said the group is warm and inviting, it is friendly and open, we talk and listen to each other.  We support one another, and for some of us this is our family, because for whatever reason our real family has declined to accept us, they cannot wrap their heads around the disease or get past the stigmas and myths that surround it.

No one is going to judge you here, we all have our own story, and I am sure you are going to hear it at one point or another. Even if you aren't a speaker we still ask you to come and join us, we will help you work with you, there are people that come in and give us training on public speaking and how to write a speech.  This is an excellent opportunity to get involved and find a group that really does care about you.  We know what you are going through and we are here to help and love and support you.  We are each of us judged too often already by those around us, this is a place of warmth and safety where you can tell your story and share with others what you are going through.  As you get comfortable, you will see how easy it becomes to talk to others about yourself and your experiences, it becomes easier and easier, almost second nature.  Before you know it, you too are going to be a Positive Champion!

You can also see the Positive Champion Videos if you go to  http://www.youtube.com and type in Positive Champions.

Our regular website is http://www.positivechampions.org/

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B