I guess I am just like everyone else I am in search of love. But, through my journeys and travels I have begun to realize that Love is not something you find, it is something you give. It is a wonderful feeling when it is returned willingly, and so very painful when it isn't. I have read stories of unrequited love where one loves another, but the other is in love with someone else. As with everything I have been writing to you about, you must start with yourself. You have to do some housecleaning and soul searching to bring yourself to a point of loving yourself, and then you will be capable of loving someone else.
I have been in relationships, some longer than others. Some where I stayed way too long and endured too much. Others where I didn't stay long enough or give the other person the chance they deserved, and those I am sorry for. I have freely given love and rarely had it returned in the same way. I don't feel that anyone truly understands me or gets me, and that can be very frustrating. What I desire is simple really, I don't think I am asking too much, or being demanding with what I desire.
So, in a nutshell here is what I desire, someone who gets me, understands where I am coming from and can stimulate my mind. I want someone who is completely honest with me, no lies, hidden agendas, or half-truths. I want nothing but the absolute truth no matter if it hurts or not. I require someone to love me as much as I love them, someone who is willing to demonstrated it and prove it everyday like I am. Someone who has my back, is my best friend and my confidante, someone I can depend on. Someone who has similar goals as me and wants to help me build a legacy or future for ourselves. A person who doesn't want anyone else but me. I am their desire, the one that completes them and who completes me.
I feel that when you are in love the person you are with, they make you feel whole and when you are away from them you feel broken and weak. They complete you in every sense of the word. Can finish your sentences, knows what you are thinking and feeling with just one look. A person who finds me attractive and doesn't desire to look any further than me. Someone who is strong enough for me to lean on when I am down or weak. A person who isn't afraid to show me their feelings and talks to me about everything and doesn't mind crying on my shoulder and leaning on me for moral support.
Do you think that I am expecting too much? Is there anyone out there that can fill this gap in my life. Or is this just a pipe dream and a fantasy that I will never find. I have been studying people today and everyone is looking for a leg up, an edge, they are looking for the next big thing to boost themselves up and who cares who they hurt along the way. The younger generation is bold and thinks that somebody owes them something, and expect handouts and refuses to work hard for what they get. Most wanna take the short cuts and do stupid things like sell drugs and scam other people.
I have always been attracted to the younger crowd, but I think my tastes are finally shifting and I can say that my preferences are loosening up a bit. Seems I have been harsh in my judgments and have been unfair to some. For that I want to apologize, I should have been more understanding and patient but I wasn't and I lost the person forever. They are now back with their ex and I am all alone.
Funny how life works, but here I thought I had given up on finding love and what am I doing I am writing about it. I was resigned to spend the rest of my life alone and miserable. I felt that no one would accept me with all my medical issues and other limitations that my illness has brought on me. Yet here I am this very evening opening myself back up and trying to start all over again.
Wish me luck and let me know if you see anyone out there that matches what I am looking for.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Showing posts with label inner peace. Show all posts
Showing posts with label inner peace. Show all posts
Friday, March 6, 2015
Monday, November 4, 2013
The weather is Dreary but disposition is Cheery!
I woke up this morning with the usual suspects..aches, pains and that persistent cough. But the other thing I woke up to was the phone ringing and a pleasant and happy sounding voice on the other end of the line. Often it is the opposite when the phone rings in this house. You have know idea who is going to be at the other end of the phone, and in my case it is usually bill collectors calling about this hospital bill or lab test that I haven't been able to pay for. See no matter what I do it seems impossible for me to cover all the expenses that this illness has brought to me. I do have medicare, and I now have insurance from the company I work for but it still doesn't cover everything.
Even with the President's attempts to help people like me with the new healthcare legislation the slope is still very slippery, and now the choices that we have aren't all that clear to us. Plus, none seem to cover everything and I am still stuck in a situation where I have to pay large sums of money to receive the care that I need just to survive. Not to mention the cost of the prescription drugs that I have to take for my HIV, which are not covered in the formulary for medicare's 100 percent coverage. I still have to pay over a $1000.00 per perscription per month for my drugs, though my antibiotics and most other medicines are covered at 100%.
Now, for those of you not in Florida this morning's weather is quite cloudy with heavy wind gusts and it is cooler than I am used too. It has been like this since Friday and I am hoping that the cloud cover will dissapate soon. However, as I said in the title it maybe dreary or gloomy outside but my inside is full of happiness and cheer. Despite the fact that I have been sick with bronchitis I woke up this morning with a song in my heart and a hope for a great and blessing filled week. Like I wrote last night I have been going through the motions of living for the past year. I mean I have been going to treatments, working, hanging out with my partner and basically doing the day to day minimum to life, but I haven't been out there in the fore front of activity. I haven't been to a Positive Champions Speakers Bureau meeting in a year, or PCHAP or any of the other organizations that I was a member and active participant of. You may ask me why is that, and I would have to tell you because I haven't felt good, that I haven't had the time or energy and honestly my health hasn't been up too it. Every one of those things is the truth and even individually on their own would keep a normal person from participating. But as you know I am far from normal and I am usually pretty active. However, I just couldn't get into the groove of things this past year and I let so much slide.
Yet, for whatever reason this morning has been different and I feel a renewed energy and a sense of purpose that I haven't felt in quite awhile and despite my cold and bronchitis I feel that I need to be up and doing something. I have made coffee already and several phone calls and the day has barely begun. I think that my long road of holding has finally come to an end.
This has happened to me one other time in my life when I went from being in an extensive pattern of holding to bursting forth from it with a renewed vigor and I can tell you it was the Summer of 2008 after my last ileostomy. It was June, I remember precisely because it was before Atlanta changed the dates on their Gay Pride celebrations. I had gone through 2 years of intense holding because of repeated surgeries on my colon and abdomin. Finally I woke up one June morning and decided to put on shorts and go out into the world and see if anyone noticed that I was wearing a colostomy bag. Guess what they didn't and my sense of self and self esteem were tremendously bolstered by that fact. Then I learned techniques that have kept it hidden from everyone until I have been ready to reveal it and that too helped my confidence level. See it took me taking that step out there and going on blind faith to get out of that pattern and break the mold that was holding me in fear and self-loathing and let me tell you that having bags to use the rest room is quite a morale deterrent and something that I had to live through and get over. Going out into public and having people seem me as totally normal and not noticing that the bags were there was a big boost to my ego, self confidence and so forth. That day changed the way I viewed myself and the way I let other perceive me as well. Today I woke up with that same renewed feeling of self confidence and hope for a brighter tomorrow.
Remember it is not the outside package that means anything at all it is what you have on the inside that matters. Hold yourself with self confidence and poise and you will attract others like yourself too you and things will start to look up.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Even with the President's attempts to help people like me with the new healthcare legislation the slope is still very slippery, and now the choices that we have aren't all that clear to us. Plus, none seem to cover everything and I am still stuck in a situation where I have to pay large sums of money to receive the care that I need just to survive. Not to mention the cost of the prescription drugs that I have to take for my HIV, which are not covered in the formulary for medicare's 100 percent coverage. I still have to pay over a $1000.00 per perscription per month for my drugs, though my antibiotics and most other medicines are covered at 100%.
Now, for those of you not in Florida this morning's weather is quite cloudy with heavy wind gusts and it is cooler than I am used too. It has been like this since Friday and I am hoping that the cloud cover will dissapate soon. However, as I said in the title it maybe dreary or gloomy outside but my inside is full of happiness and cheer. Despite the fact that I have been sick with bronchitis I woke up this morning with a song in my heart and a hope for a great and blessing filled week. Like I wrote last night I have been going through the motions of living for the past year. I mean I have been going to treatments, working, hanging out with my partner and basically doing the day to day minimum to life, but I haven't been out there in the fore front of activity. I haven't been to a Positive Champions Speakers Bureau meeting in a year, or PCHAP or any of the other organizations that I was a member and active participant of. You may ask me why is that, and I would have to tell you because I haven't felt good, that I haven't had the time or energy and honestly my health hasn't been up too it. Every one of those things is the truth and even individually on their own would keep a normal person from participating. But as you know I am far from normal and I am usually pretty active. However, I just couldn't get into the groove of things this past year and I let so much slide.
Yet, for whatever reason this morning has been different and I feel a renewed energy and a sense of purpose that I haven't felt in quite awhile and despite my cold and bronchitis I feel that I need to be up and doing something. I have made coffee already and several phone calls and the day has barely begun. I think that my long road of holding has finally come to an end.
This has happened to me one other time in my life when I went from being in an extensive pattern of holding to bursting forth from it with a renewed vigor and I can tell you it was the Summer of 2008 after my last ileostomy. It was June, I remember precisely because it was before Atlanta changed the dates on their Gay Pride celebrations. I had gone through 2 years of intense holding because of repeated surgeries on my colon and abdomin. Finally I woke up one June morning and decided to put on shorts and go out into the world and see if anyone noticed that I was wearing a colostomy bag. Guess what they didn't and my sense of self and self esteem were tremendously bolstered by that fact. Then I learned techniques that have kept it hidden from everyone until I have been ready to reveal it and that too helped my confidence level. See it took me taking that step out there and going on blind faith to get out of that pattern and break the mold that was holding me in fear and self-loathing and let me tell you that having bags to use the rest room is quite a morale deterrent and something that I had to live through and get over. Going out into public and having people seem me as totally normal and not noticing that the bags were there was a big boost to my ego, self confidence and so forth. That day changed the way I viewed myself and the way I let other perceive me as well. Today I woke up with that same renewed feeling of self confidence and hope for a brighter tomorrow.
Remember it is not the outside package that means anything at all it is what you have on the inside that matters. Hold yourself with self confidence and poise and you will attract others like yourself too you and things will start to look up.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
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