There comes a point in everyone's life when they are scared

I have been afraid more times in my life than a normal person should be.  I have been facing death and uncertainty for many years, but never have I felt closer to death than this past month.  I went through chronic renal failure 5 times in less than 7 weeks and I had nothing holding me up.  People who I thought were my friends felt betrayed and abandoned by me and yet there was nothing I could do as my health continued spiraling out of control.  From the constant renal failures, I developed hypothermia and have been freezing cold ever since.  Once that started a severe blood infection developed in my heart that spread from my port in my shoulder.  Which blossomed into a full UTI which triggered seizures, low heart rate, and constant black outs.  For a month I remained in Intensive care and until today thought I would never see the outside world again. 

This morning my doctor informed me that I was finally cleared to move to out of intensive care and go to a recovery floor.  If progress continues as it has this weekend I will be able to leave Tuesday morning and for the first time in my life I am happy to say that I am relieved to be alive.  I was afraid that I wouldn't be there for my parents who are both going through their own series of health issues and as they have been my rock throughout the many years of my illness I would like to be able to return the favor to them.  As for those that I thought would always be my friends I am not sure exactly why there is such bad blood between us because I it really wasn't my decision to get seriously ill when I did or for how long as I was.

What my main fault is that I constantly want to believe the best in people.  To believe that they are honest and just and I take them at their word.  I should know better with some.  I have given them chance after chance and they still screw up.  They continue to beat on me, put me down and expect me to pull their ass out of the fire every single time they screw up.  People never tell you their full intentions and they always have other motivations that are eventually revealed.  I need to learn to harden myself against this misinformation and know that past behavior is a clear indicator of what the future may hold.  I have to stop putting everyone before myself and learn that saying NO and sticking too it is okay. 

My heart is heavy because even now as we speak many things have come to pass that have hindered my forward progress in both my physical and mental health.  The last bit was the fact that my ex who wanted to get married and swears that he loves me with his whole being and wants to do the right thing and go to rehab, and get married is just telling me what he think I want to hear because he doesn't want to go to prison. But, I have come too realize that even though he has told me these words it is only because he is in Jail and that is the sad truth.  He is not going to change and he is never going to love me the same way that I love him, and everything that I have done, I have done out of love and concern for his welfare.

If only he would be truthful and honest with me, tell me what is actually on his mind because here is the thing. I have lost everything repeatedly because of him and the night he was arrested he hit me so hard that I ended up having a concussion and yet he is telling me that he didn't mean it that it was an accident. But to have hit me 22 times in complete succession may have helped trigger this bout of bad health that I just came a through and might have caused some of the problems that I am continuing to experience.  I am sad and a little frightened because he is possibly getting out of jail in the next couple of weeks and then my safety is once again on the line.

Life is an uncertain road and filled with many obstacles and issues.  You shouldn't have to deal with abuse on top of it.  If you are being battered or abused then the only suggestion I can give you is to run and run far and fast because they don't change.  If they hit you once they will continue to do so, I believe it is an illness and they need help and so do you. I know one thing I can't go back to the situation I was in before I came to the hospital because I may not survive the next encounter with him.

Please understand that you are worth something and important to others in this world. You deserve to be treated with love, and respect and if they feel it necessary to get their point across by using their hands or force on you it really isn't worth it.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

A little story can lift your heart and soul

Have you ever watched a feel good movie and felt better about yourself and your life afterwards? I did just tonight.  I watched a movie called "Fishbowl California", a movie I knew absolutely nothing about, and it lifted my spirits and gave me some peace of mind.  The story is seemingly ordinary about the life of a man battling cheating girlfriend, unemployment, homelessness, and plain old bad luck.  I felt like I could relate to the main character and have experienced much of the same issues that he was.  He met an older woman that challenged him, and in the long run changed his life.  As I said it was a feel good movie, with everyday challenges and life issues, but throughout the comedy/drama you began to feel something for the characters and were pulled into the story along with the pain that each one was feeling.  It isn't every day that a film comes along and makes me feel the way this one did. 

In the story the main character suffered from being homeless, aimless, and having no thoughts other than himself, yet along the way he runs into a tough older woman, with a gruff exterior and tender interior that she hides from everyone including herself and her daughter.  You find out that she is sick and possibly dying, in mourning for her husband who has passed and has finally given up on living and is just existing day by day.  She is a drunk and has a tough exterior, she takes no bull from anyone yet has a kind heart.  Our main character is caught stealing from her and she puts him to work, fixing up the house and cleaning up the yard.  Pressure from her daughter to take better care of herself and to get some help.  In an attempt to do that she lets the guy stay with her, but he starts to understand that her drinking is a form of avoidance from life and her illness.  The daughter appeals to the young man to help her make sure that the mother starts taking her medication daily.  This causes a rift in the household and the old lady throws the young man out.

She starts regretting how she treated the young man and begins taking care of herself and stops drinking totally.  Within a couple weeks go by and the young man comes by the house to see how the lady is doing only to find that a memorial service is going on.  Thinking that the lady has passed away he starts talking about how the woman helped him find himself and took a chance on him when no one else would.  This turns out to be a joke and he passes out.  When he wakes up he finds that she had decided to give her old self a funeral.  She had decided to put her house up for sale and move to Hawaii, apparently the ocean air will be good for her health. As such she decided to give something to the young man who had inadvertently helped her give up drinking and changed her life for the better. 

This story reminds me so much of something I wrote a lot about in earlier blog posts about not knowing where a casual conversation will lead you, or how your interactions with someone might benefit them in some way that you couldn't have foreseen.  Life is like that in so many ways, we don't know who is looking at us or why.  Others might find hope or inspiration in how you are living your life, or could be gaining strength from your struggles.  I would like to remind each of us to live as an example for others to follow.  Believe in yourself, and know that everyone out there is going through something.  You are not struggling alone, and there are people out there who see you.  You may not even know them.  Others might find inspiration in your life, your story and your struggles.  You might be helping people without even being aware of it.  Everything you do has far reaching effects on those around you and the environment in which you life. 

Take the time to talk to strangers, introduce yourself too them, tell them your story.  You might be just the thing that they need to help them get to the next step or progress past an issue that is heavy for them.  You never know but each of us has come through so much, done things that others have been afraid to do and we have grown from our efforts.  Others, can benefit from you in small or even big ways if you just take the time to express yourself to them.  I have often been accused of never meeting a stranger and that is partly true.  Every opportunity I get I talk to others about the things that I have been through, my illnesses, my victories and even my defeats.  I talk to them about my struggles with addiction and depression and I try to help others by writing my story in my blog.  I want people around me to see hope, to gain inspiration and joy from getting to know me.  I hope to be someone that helps others around me and teach them how to be the same for those that look to them.

My dad has told me that I can't save everyone, that I have to be smart about how I go about helping other people, and that I shouldn't let them take advantage of me.  Sometimes, I get to involved and wrapped up in myself that I don't even notice when someone is using me or trying to take advantage, so I have started distancing myself.  But I have begun to see how many people look at my life and they are trying to better themselves by using my examples to help themselves around the issues that plague them.  This is a form of helping and is a by product of merely just living my life the best way that I know how.

For many years I led people into the drug world and at times that I thought I was helping them, I was actually enabling them to continue in their abuse and addiction.  Only by walking away from the scene myself and encouraging others to do so have I truly been a help.  I may have provided a safe warm place that they could indulge themselves, but I wasn't really helping like I thought I was.  I have taken so many people off of the streets, and thought I was giving them a chance to better themselves and help them get off of drugs, but what was really happening was I was allowing them to continue in their habit without recourse or consequence to their actions.  The weren't on the streets anymore I was providing them with housing, food, and often times more drugs.  In effect I was keeping myself surrounded by similar types of people so I didn't feel so guilty about what I was doing, and I convinced myself that I was actually helping others.  Some I may have, others maybe not so much, but in the end I learned more about myself and what I really wanted out of life.

Drug addiction is not a game, and it really takes work to remain sober, each day is a constant battle of the soul versus the mind and it never gets easier.  If you truly want to help someone get out of that situation the only way to really do is it is to have a zero drug tolerance policy and enforce it.  Otherwise you are just fostering an addiction and enabling the person to keep using.  Recovery is not something that can be undertaken lightly and must be committed too from the very start.  No ifs, ands, or excuses about it.  I know that the methods that I used to employ were not effective for treating an illness, they were a way for me to surround myself by like minded people and feel better about myself and what I was doing.  Even though I had their best interest at heart my methods were suspect and the help that I gave wasn't effective.  I have since changed my thoughts on this and I still try to help those around me who need helping but I have different ideas now about how to go about it and what I am willing to accept in my life and what I am willing to do to help them.

I won't be buying the drugs, will not allow them to be used in my home and I will not let someone manipulate me into falling for the "Just one more time routine". Enough is enough too many of my friends have died or gotten so sick from drugs that it really isn't worth it.  Life is the most precious gift we are given and to squander that and to through it away is not something I want to help with anymore.  I am so proud of my friends who have started down the road of recovery and are celebrating their sobriety.  I wished I would have learned this to help more people earlier.  But I am with you in this battle now and I am not giving up and neither should you.

As always you are in my hopes and dreams,
Uncle B

Age is an issue

Facebook is a great way for people to keep in touch, track down people that have been absent from their lives for years.  But it is also a way for us to keep up to date on things that are happening to people we care about and what they are facing. I am one who hesitates to engage in conflict, but I am not the type of person who shies away from it when it comes my way.  The past several days I have been sitting at home and I have been thinking, reminiscing about my past, reflecting on what I have been through and planning for what I am am facing.  When a friend of mine shared pictures of himself and a simple statement about age, I saw it and thought about what was written and the pictures that were posted.  Then I started reading the comments and what I found troubled me a bit, because I knew exactly what the others were saying, I have felt the way that they are, were feeling. And in my youth I actually participated in the very practice that I am about to write about.

I like to think of myself as a pioneer, a person who puts themselves out there in the forefront and helps blaze a trail for others to follow.  How could I know that simple actions that I had in my youth would impact the lives of others so deeply.  Only now in retrospect can I see that many of the things that I did in my youth have had a resounding effect on others, and that I was one of the people that help inspire and bring about change throughout the LGBTQ community. Yet I am one of the people in this world that is causing a problem and a break in our community.  Though today my ideas are a little different then they were years ago, I still find that I am an ageist.  This is troubling to me because I have so many friends that are my own age and I care about them, but only once in my entire life did I date someone the same age or older than myself. 

Like many in the community I believed that it was my preference to date younger people, but in a sense it was a blinder that I was wearing, I was looking at the outside person and not the package as a whole.  I was one of those high maintenance queens that searched for perfection and could pinpoint ones flaws and faults within minutes of meeting them.  I was shallow and vapid though I thought that my opinions and thoughts mattered.  But a hard life lesson was soon to come my way.  It first struck me at the age of 24 and literally robbed me of my 20's and 30's and scared me mentally and physically for life.  It left me an outcast in the community that I helped mold and create, and today I stay on the fringes of it.  I still consider myself part of the gay community, but I refrain from many of the things that I should still be involved in.  Because somewhere inside of me is the deep abiding fear that I am not perfect and therefore not worthy of love and acceptance into the community that I love and dedicated my life to building.

When I got sick with cancer and then ended up with not 1 but 2 colostomy bags, I turned away ashamed of my body and my broken form.  I secluded myself and sought refuge in drugs and other means to escape the fear of persecution.  Yet, repeatedly human nature has surprised me and I have found friends and sometimes companions along the way.  I have more scares than most, have had more surgeries than most, and I still have the fear that I can't be accepted for me because somewhere in my mind I have decided that people in the gay community are discriminatory against those that don't fit the ideal image of perfection.  Though I have found and joined groups that accepted me limitation, scars and illness and all.  I have found friends when I never thought I would and I have found a sort of peace within myself that I never thought I would because of my battered and broken body.  I have even found people who don't see me as damaged but as bright and shiny star of hope and comfort.  These are things that I would never have thought possible.

But as I was reading my friends post and the comments I realized that there is still a problem with age in the community, that the young still look at those of us with age and have prejudice.  I have come to the realization that I don't look at people the way that I used to, yes I still look at physical appearance, but that is not the person. I have had the unfortunate experience to love a beautiful looking man who was very ugly and dark inside and that made me realize the truth in the adage "you can't judge a book by it's cover".  Yet, my own insecurities continue to hold me in a pattern. I am afraid to put myself out there again and hope that someone can look past the body and see the person on the inside.  I sit in the house day after day and I watching TV, reading and avoiding the truth.  I am lonely, and afraid, these are my truths. Yet, I continue on and do what is expected of me.

Yet, something that my friends wrote stirred in me a desire to once again get out there and make a change in my life.  In doing so I hope that I can inspire others to do the same.  Life for the gay population is different now then when I was growing up.  I have learned that the superficial is not the way to look at another person. Maybe there are others out there that have begun to see that too.  Maybe it is only something that happens with age and wisdom, but I hope not.  I think that if I were to step out of my comfort zone and do something about my situation I might others doing the same.  I am beginning to understand my limitations, accept my physical appearance, and instead of hiding the person that I am.  I am letting the world see the person that I have become. I live my life by example and have been doing so a long time. I write about my life here in the blog, and I talk about my differences to everyone I meet.  My story is one of survival, it is one of hope, and it is one of comfort.  I have lived with 6 terminal illnesses for a long time now and I have done so with courage, and against overwhelming odds. I do it with a smile and a positive attitude that everyone notices.  So, if I can change and look at my mistakes with grace, knowing that I cannot change what I have been and done in the past, I certainly can make adjustments and do something about it in my future.

So I have taken to writing this piece about age.  I have never let it define me or limit my actions. I have taken care of the things that I must and have been there when others have needed me. But that is not all to my life.  When replying to my friends post, I was reminded of the things that I have done in my past, the accomplishments that I have made, and the triumphs, as well as the defeats.  But in all of this I have been a motivator and an instigator for change.  I have been as I put it a pioneer and I have done things that at the time seemed inconsequential, yet had far ranging affects on my peers and those that have come after me.  I may not have been able to rescue everyone, I haven't been able to save the world, or help as many people as I had wanted too.  But in my life there have been thousands of lives that I have touched and I have helped and they are out there. They know what I have done for them and I am not asking for any praise or thanks.  I am looking to those people to help me spread the word that age is a number, physical beauty is a thing that fades with time, and that we must look at the persons heart, soul and attitude to find the things that we are missing in our own lives.  A friend found a sense of belonging and community in his church, he found acceptance and he also found a feeling of wholeness and completion the likes that I have never really felt other than in fleeting times.

Yes, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but there are things that you need to think about before you wrinkle up your nose at the affections and attentions another casts your way.  Don't let their age be a detractor, because with age comes experience, wisdom and understanding and with those things comes the added bonus of compassion.  I don't know how to change the world or change how the gay community looks at one another, but I can tell you that without my friends of age I wouldn't have made it as far as I have in life.  I wouldn't have been able to face the uncertain times that I have come through or had the strength to persevere when all about me seemed bleak.  I have come through some dark times and very rough medical situations and I have become a stronger person because of them and their advice.  I never gave the appropriate thanks to those that came before me.  The ones that fought for gay rights, however, I have performed in the play Stonewall and celebrated those lives.  It is unfortunate that many of the younger generation know very little to nothing of the days of the 60's and 70's that gave rise to our "Gay Movement" of the 80's and the "Equality Movement" of the 90's and 2000's.  What I can honestly say is that I am grateful to have been a part of those times, I wouldn't change my involvement and actions in anyway. 

So here I sit and I want to begin a new movement, be a voice for compassion and understanding and hopefully change the way the younger generation thinks and feels about us the old guys.  I am tired of being a Yuck or Gross.  I am still an attractive person and I have more to offer today more now than ever.  I am stronger and wiser.  Age hasn't made me less fun, I still can keep up with the 20 years that still are in my life.  But I am not looking for love there anymore either.  I have tried repeatedly to find it in the younger generation and have been left wanting and disappointed.  I am tired of feeling like I am being used and unappreciated.  I am comfortable with who I have become and I have surprised myself that there are those out there that find me attractive and have shown some interest in getting to know me.  Honestly, with my medical situation the way it is I am not really hoping for any new developments, but I am learning that my time isn't always the right time.  I have faith in God and His plan for my life, and if He decides to put a new face in my equations then who am I to argue or find fault.  At least I know that I am not alone right now, I have friends, and people that care about me, and I am not far from my family if something happens that I should need them. 

Let me remind those out there that old is not ugly, old is not boring, old isn't anything but a state of mind.  I am one that can talk about this, I am almost 50 now, and I still do things that I did when I was in my late 20's and things I should have done in my 30's but because I had cancer and missed almost all of those years, it took me some catching up to do.  I have a unique perspective about things because I experienced a lot of them later in life than most.  I found knowledge and wisdom in older friends when I was going through some really tough medical issues.  Those friendships have enabled me to survive and adapt.  It is the job of us that lived through the 80's till now to enlighten those that are younger and teach them about the past and the hardships that we and those before us had to endure.  Gay pride is not a marketing theme, though lately it seems to have become commercialized, no it is a time to celebrate our heritage, our loss, and to remember those that were taken from us early by AIDs.  It is also a time to celebrate the victories that were won and the sacrifices that were made to get us to the place we are at today.  Not only do us of age have things that we can teach the younger generation, we can show them understanding and compassion, offer guidance, and wisdom and help them through the issues that they are facing.  Never forgetting that we still have a long way to go yet in the battle for equality and acceptance.  We have the moral obligation to unveil the myths and misconceptions that surround HIV and AIDs we need to honor the memories of the friends and family that we lost during the height of the epidemic. Plus, we need to remind the world at large that AIDs is still with us we are still loosing brothers and sisters still today to this disease.  Though it isn't the media focus that it once was we would be neglect in thinking that we have vanquished and won.  The war is still being fought, and many are still being persecuted because they have been diagnosed. 

Many of us are tired we have battled long and hard, created a better world for those that come after us, but we are not able to rest just yet, there is much left to be done.  I am reminded every day that I wake up that I am still here way longer than any doctor ever predicted I would be.  I have overcome some incredible odds and I am still fighting today.  We can't let the younger generations forget all that has come before, the heritage, the community, the bonding that we felt and developed in the 80's in the fear of the unknown disease.  Community centers were born, research centers organized and help organizations established that have become the norm.  We need to remind the young that many thousands gave their lives, tears, and suffering for these mediocre changes that we have finally received.  Yes today is a better place, there is a bit more acceptance in the world, but there is much hatred and bigotry still out there.  Our community still suffers from many such forms, and maybe there needs to be a movement inside our own movement that tries to foster change.  Ageism is a form of intolerance, and discrimination that we cannot and shouldn't allow to fester in our community.  We need to look beyond the sexual revolution and think towards a more unifying and holistic love of ourselves.  To look to our elders and still love them and accept them, to show respect and compassion.  Being gay isn't defined by sexual attraction alone, it is being comfortable with those that you are more drawn towards, who you can associate and understand better. We are different yes because of our desire to be loved and we enjoy sex with the same sex, but it goes beyond that I think or at least it does for me.  I feel more comfortable with women as friends, but I feel a kinship and bond with males that I cannot quite describe. 

The human heart has the capacity to love and bond to many different things, and people.  We need to understand ourselves better, look at our motivations, and think about what where we truly feel the most comfortable.  Age is a number, it doesn't define us.  It may limit us physically, but emotionally and mentally we are still those same 20 somethings that we once were in a much more experienced and worn package.  Most of us wear our age well and are proud to do so.  Every year that I am here I am thankful for.  I have worked hard to get here and I plan on hanging around a little longer, if I have to do it alone then so be it.  But, I don't think so there is someone out there looking for the inner me.  When they finally stop looking at the outer me and see the inside they will find what they are looking for. Until then I will keep trying to raise the awareness that age is not something to be afraid of, it isn't something ugly, it is a gift, it is a treasure.  Hopefully others will begin to see that we are of value still and we have things been through situations that can help them, we have lessons we can teach and we still have our voice to make change happen.

So from the age of 49 looking back, I remember the days when I was afraid of being 30, then 40, and of course 50.  But look here I am I have made it this far, have learned much, endured more, and I have something that I can help the world to understand and that is the human spirit.  I know how to give hope, how to inspire through living and comfort just by being there.  Life is a journey that doesn't end.  I can tell you that I am still going through some things even now, but in the end it will have made me that much stronger a person and will give me another lesson that I can teach another person.

So don't wrinkle up your nose at the attentions of those older men that admire you, take it as a compliment, get to know them, maybe just maybe you might find what you have been searching for and it was right in front of you the entire time and you just couldn't see it because of the blinders you have been wearing.  Age is beauty, a gift and something to be cherished.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you. Let me encourage you to live your life full with laughter, love and light.

Uncle B

Rebuilding from the past

When I first moved to Florida I came with nothing except the clothes on my back, literally.  I had on a t-shirt and a pair of sweat pants and nothing else except a broken cell phone.  During my first 8 months I experienced some setback such as going into the hospital literally 2 days after I got here.  I was in there for 14 days because my colon ruptured in 2 places while I was in there.  However, I was able to make a recovery, get a job and was able to get clothes that I needed and I was able to purchase things that I wanted along the way.  I got a job, bought a car, and got my own place on top of all of those things.  I can't say that I was happy but it didn't take me long to get furniture.  Luckily there was a place called Our Father's Closet not too far from my house that gave me a sofa bed, and some other items like a coffee table, end tables and a lamp.  I got a TV from a pawn shop and I was on my way.  Over the past 6 years or so I ended up loosing several places where I had lived, ended up homeless and most of my stuff ended up in storage units from Florida to Pennsylvania, which I had successfully kept up with till last summer when I had an unfortunate run in with the law.

I was on the street literally from July till December.  When a friend of mine reached out and opened up his home to me and allowed me to come and stay with him and his partner.  I am extremely grateful to Travis and Demario for allowing me to come into their home.  Life hasn't been kind to me if the truth is to be told.  Most of you already know from reading and following my blog that I have several medical issues and the list seems to be growing longer each passing month.  However, the month of February I took the time for myself and I started rebuilding all of the things that I had lost over the past several years.  This month I took money and bought myself a TV and I also got myself a computer and a printer.  I even purchased a tablet, however, my mother being in a similar situation to mine health wise, I have decided that I am going to send her the tablet that I have bought and wait for a little bit and before I buy another tablet.  It might take me some time but I know that with all the trips to the doctors and labs that need to be done that I am going to continue to be busy till I can get all of these surgeries done and over with that they are saying that I am needing.

I started going to pain management and I am finding that the medication that they have me on now isn't really helping me all that much.  I seem to be taking more and more just to get through the day with out any pain.  So I expressed interest in getting on Medical Marijuana but currently at the price point that they are charging here in Florida it really puts it out of my reach.  I am not sure what I am going to do.  I am pretty sure that my friends aren't going to want me staying with them forever, and I am sure that it would be better to get out on my own.  But, with only being here a few months I am still not sure of my way around.  My friend Travis grew up here and is very familiar with the area so I rely on him pretty heavily.  I just fear that I am getting on their nerves and making them uncomfortable in their own home.

I have been here exactly 2 1/2 months and I am hoping that in the next 2 or so that I will have enough money saved up that I might be able to get out on my own.  However, this is something that I am trying to work on.  Though with every turn something seems to come up and I end up spending money that I wasn't planning on.  My mother's cell phone died totally and wouldn't turn on at all.  This was a necessary expense and I was glad I was in a position to get her a new one.  But since I have been here I have been running into all sorts of obstacles.  Like the UF Health here in Jacksonville is not in my network but the one in Gainesville is.  I am frustrated by this.  I am also having trouble with Ryan White here, for the past 7 years they have been paying my copays to the VA and here in Jacksonville they won't.  I am not sure what I should do and starting next month the VA is going to start garnishing my check.  Further, my partner had me bail him out of jail and then missed court. So now the bondsman is coming after me for the 3000.00 so that is going to end up coming out of my check.

So it seems for every step that I take forward, I end up falling 20 steps behind. I am not sure if I am going to recover from this fiasco altogether.  I figure that during this time when I have the little extra funds available to me that I should purchase the things that I want and need before all the garnishments hit my Social Security check.  That way when they do come I will not be needing things, I will have already built them up from.  My next big expenditure is going to be the installation of my own internet here at the house that way I don't have to rely on my friends totally for everything.  Sometimes I just feel like they think that I am trying to take advantage of their kindness and I don't want to overstep my bounds.

Overall, I am feeling great about the accomplishments that I have made since I have been here and the change of environment and scenery have really helped me maintain focus towards furthering my goal.  My big thing is that I am really trying to fit in and at times I feel like I am keeping my friends from the things that they are needing to do because they are worried about me.  Over the next month or two I am hoping that I will have either saved enough money to get a vehicle or a place of my own.  That way they won't think that I am wasting my money on things and not making sure that they are taken care of.  I also need to figure out how to work around my direct deposit issues with the credit union that I am a member of.  I like the fact that I can transfer funds directly from my checking account directly onto my credit card and not have to worry about incurring an fees or late charges.

That is another thing that I have accomplished. I was able to get myself 2 credit cards.  I am hoping that I will be able to begin rebuilding my credit and work towards getting myself totally back on my feet.

Right now I am worried about my upcoming appointment with the neurosurgeon I am waiting to see what type of treatment he is going to recommend. At this point I have had 3 MRIs and I have to schedule a PET scan tomorrow.  I am struggling to keep up with all of my appointments and getting to and from them conveniently.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I set out on rebuilding my life from the remnants of my past.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,




Uncle B

Reinvention is convention

Everything travels in a spiral.
What was will come again just you wait and see.
You created this invention which we call life.
Yet when it's filled with strife.
Reinvention could be the solution can't you see

I have lived this life before
So I already know the score
I have warn this suit of life to long
Reinvention can't be done I am not that strong

I have traveled far and wide
I have left nothing to hide
I bear my soul for all to see
If I didn't you wouldn't know me.

Reinvention is convention
don't you see
it is the only way that you can really breathe
You are young enough to pull it off, all I am ready for is my pension

Laugh it off,
Shake it off,
nothing really matters,
because your just going to have to do it all over again.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Open a new window via technology of today.

In a world that has grown so cold and impersonal it is funny how we go about making friends these days.  When I was young we met new people at school, the library, roller rink, and other events which required us to meet that person directly face to face and in person.  Today, with the advent of computers and the evolution of software to create social media has changed the world in many ways.  One of which is how we meet and interact with people.  With the internet and then social media barriers and borders were crossed and people started to communicate with people all across the world.  No longer did it actually matter where you lived physically you could and do meet them virtually.

There are all sorts of dating sites and sites designed for you to meet other people casually and there are also sites and applications that let you meet someone looking for a hook up.  But, how do you know if you like the person, how can you be sure that the idea of the person you have in your head is actually the person you are talking to?  See, I believe that each of us creates and image of the person in our heads, we base our image on what their profile says, the pictures that are posted, what they have posted and if you have taken the step to communicate with them directly either over the phone or via video chat.

What happens when you are ready to take that step and meet them socially out in public, face to face?  Is it possible to truly get to know someone on line?  Maybe, but here is my concern about this growing new way of meeting people.  Last night I was talking to you about how to build trust and make a firm foundation for your relationship or friendship, but what do you really know about the cyber person you have been talking to?  Is that really a current picture of him?  Has he been telling you the truth about himself or has he just been telling you stuff that he thinks you want to hear?  Remember you have put yourself on line, you have created a profile and told people about yourself.  What happens when that person is less than truthful and has taken your information off your profile and uses it to make you believe that they are the perfect match for you?

I was reminded just yesterday that this world can be a very dangerous place and there are people out there that have no moral code or ethics.  They have no conscience and have the potential to hurt you, and possibly even kill you.  Several years ago there was a killer that was preying on women on Craigslist, he would entice these women to meet him and he would kill them.  They appropriately name him the Craigslist killer. My point to all of this is to remind you that not everyone is truthful, not everyone has your best interest at heart.  There are people out there that prey on the perceived weaknesses of others.

I am not saying that the person you are talking too is any of those things. However, I want you to be careful, use your head and some common sense before running off to someone's house or hotel. Make sure that someone knows where you are going, and who you are going to see.  That  way God forbid something were to happen to you, the person you told can do something about it if you are gone to long or don't call in at a certain time.  They will know that you are in trouble and can send some help.
With the internet came bulletin boards where you could post ads like you would in the classified section of the news paper.  I actually met, Joe, a person I was with for 12 1/2 years via a bulletin board back in 1996 and we moved to Atlanta together in February of 1997.

But I was cautious when I met him.  He was staying out at Lake Buena Vista, right outside of Disney World in Orlando.  The first time I went to see him I had invited my best friend John along.  John did show up but I had already gone into the hotel and went up to his room.  However, I was on my cellphone with John telling him everything in case something went wrong.  Nothing did and I found out that we really were attracted to each other.  John showed up about 45 minutes later and we all went out to dinner and had a good time.  Joe ended up coming back to Florida 3 more times after that, and I met up with him every time he came.  Eventually he invited me to come to Atlanta and see what it was like.  I immediately fell in love with the city and before you knew it I was packing a U-haul truck and moving up there full time. Joe moved into the apartment with me and within 6 months we put a down payment on a house and we moved into it together.  My dream was coming true.

But the times have changed and the way we communicate has changed drastically from then.  Back in the late 90's cell phones were still pretty big and we had pagers, and someone would page us and we would return the call. Back then there was no such thing as unlimited talk, text and web.  Really there was no web back then either. You dialed up directly to a bulletin board or you used AOL which was an early precursor to Facebook.  Today, everyone is texting , calling, snap chatting, video messaging and using Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.   Because of these new forms of communication we have a new type of relationship that has been born.  It is the virtual relationship or friendship.  However, somethings get lost in translation.  You cannot tell someone's mood or attitude in a text message or instant message.  You can't physically see the person or their body language you can just see the plain old text on the screen.

I have found myself getting hurt by text messages from time to time, but then I think back about how I really don't know what context the person is talking from, I cannot tell if they are having a bad day or that they are pissed off at me, or whatever the situation maybe.  Text messages are void of emotion, and you must take them exactly that way.  At least when you are talking to someone on the phone you can hear the emotions in their voice and you pretty much can gather and tell how they are feeling during your conversation.  I know I have touched on this subject before, but it was quite a while ago, and it has been on my heart to talk about it again, and this time get a little more in-depth with it.

Let us assume that you have not met this person yet, you are still building your cyber or virtual friendship and you are trying to get to know each other a little better. You may have even started talking to them on the phone.  You are beginning to think that you are really into this person.  They are matching up with all the bullet points of what you are looking for, they have a beautiful voice and great pictures to show you what they look like.  Something happens inside of you, you start to build a mental picture of this person, you start to give it the attributes that your virtual friend is displaying and eventually you come up with a model  or a mental image of what the person is supposed to be like.  But what happens when and if you do actually get to meet the person face to face.  9 times out of 10 the image you have created for the person is inaccurate.  Because of this you might feel a bit of disappointment or it could go the other way that the person exceeded your image of them and turned out to be so cool that you wanted to learn everything about them and explore every inch of them and their personality.

You may be asking yourself why am I going on about this.  For several reasons actually, I feel that the traditional venues of meeting people has taken a back seat and virtual communication and dating has become the norm in today's society.  One of my concerns is that every year a million people in the United States alone go missing.  Then there is the lack of human interaction, actually getting to know a person, their moods, the tone and timber or their voice.  You miss out on the body language, and if you have started living with this person or even just hanging out and doing things together, the vernier or mask that the person is wearing tends to come off and you catch a glimpse of the person inside.  Let's face it we all put on a mask when we meet someone for the first time. We are on our best behavior, we dress nicely and we try to make the first impression a good one.  But, when the honeymoon period is over, and you start to see the real person who is lurking behind the mask it might be too late to get the hell out of dodge.  Plus there is the real physical risk that when you go to meet this cyber friend that they may not be anything like what you had thought and they have come to hurt you, rob you or even kill you.

There are some crazy messed up people in the world and you have to think of your own safety and well being, if you don't no body else will either.  Protect yourself, never meet someone by yourself, be prepared for anything.  I have been luckier than most, I have met some really cool people on line that I like to socialize with and hangout with them.  Then there have been some that had misrepresented themselves either in their profile or their pictures. So I end up leaving hurt and upset.  Because my ideal of the person (image) has been shattered by reality and they weren't anything like I had expected.   Then there is the rare breed of people that are just who they are, they don't try to impress you, they are just being themselves, and those are the types of people I like to be around.  Without the physical interaction of two people how can there be chemistry, how can a person really tell if the person they have met on line is really into them?  The other person can tell you anything and you can take it at face value or you can analyse it and pull it apart and try to figure it out. But the truth of the matter we are social beings and we need to have human contact and interaction.

I do believe that one good thing comes out of a cyber relationship, it is a mental connection, a mental attraction, and if the person truly is being just themselves, then you are going to find a relationship that has some potential to grow. It might be difficult because both of you have preconceived notions about each other due to your online profiles and conversations.  You are going to find most times that those image totally don't fit.  You have to start over with the traditional method of getting to know someone. You have to go out on dates, get to know one another and explore each other, feel each other out and seriously get to know one another.  Keep in mind what I told you about trust just last night.  You have to give it to receive it, and it has be cultivated and built by both of you being 100 % honest with each other.  Trust is a big issue in relationships, and it is critical to maintain a successful relationship. Trust me when I tell you that if you trust your partner and know that they are standing strong with  you and that you have each others backs.  Your relationship will be able to withstand anything that is thrown at it.

Be careful where you go, tell someone who you are going to meet and where.  Be sure to have your cell phone with you in case you have to make an emergency call.  Don't automatically trust everyone because there are people out there that are just looking for a way in to rob you, steal your identity or just drain you dry.  I do try to look for the good in people, but I have trust issues, it is hard for me to let someone get close to me, it is even harder for me to trust them. I honestly believe that has kept me alive all these years, because  I tell you in my 20's and 30's I didn't hesitate to run out and meet someone to have sex with in the middle of the night. I don't know how many times in my life that I could have been killed I thank God daily for protecting me with His angels and for giving me the wisdom to write stuff like this that might even save one persons life.

Please check out my other entry on this subject it is called Technology brings us closer together. It can be found in my 2012 postings.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

What is it I am searching for?

I guess I am just like everyone else I am in search of love.  But, through my journeys and travels I have begun to realize that Love is not something you find, it is something you give.  It is a wonderful feeling when it is returned willingly, and so very painful when it isn't.  I have read stories of unrequited love where one loves another, but the other is in love with someone else.  As with everything I have been writing to you about, you must start with yourself. You have to do some housecleaning and soul searching to bring yourself to a point of loving yourself, and then you will be capable of loving someone else.

I have been in relationships, some longer than others. Some where I stayed way too long and endured too much. Others where I didn't stay long enough or give the other person the chance they deserved, and those I am sorry for. I have freely given love and rarely had it returned in the same way.  I don't feel that anyone truly understands me or gets me, and that can be very frustrating.  What I desire is simple really, I don't think I am asking too much, or being demanding with what I desire.

So, in a nutshell here is what I desire, someone who gets me, understands where I am coming from and can stimulate my mind.  I want someone who is completely honest with me, no lies, hidden agendas, or half-truths.  I want nothing but the absolute truth no matter if it hurts or not.  I require someone to love me as much as I love them, someone who is willing to demonstrated it and prove it everyday like I am.  Someone who has my back, is my best friend and my confidante, someone I can depend on.  Someone who has similar goals as me and wants to help me build a legacy or future for ourselves.  A person who doesn't want anyone else but me.  I am their desire, the one that completes them and who completes me.

I feel that when you are in love the person you are with, they make you feel whole and when you are away from them you feel broken and weak. They complete you in every sense of the word.  Can finish your sentences, knows what you are thinking and feeling with just one look.  A person who finds me attractive and doesn't desire to look any further than me.  Someone who is strong enough for me to lean on when I am down or weak.  A person who isn't afraid to show me their feelings and talks to me about everything and doesn't mind crying on my shoulder and leaning on me for moral support.

Do you think that I am expecting too much?  Is there anyone out there that can fill this gap in my life.  Or is this just a pipe dream and a fantasy that I will never find.  I have been studying people today and everyone is looking for a leg up, an edge, they are looking for the next big thing to boost themselves up and who cares who they hurt along the way.  The younger generation is bold and thinks that somebody owes them something, and expect handouts and refuses to work hard for what they get.  Most wanna take the short cuts and do stupid things like sell drugs and scam other people.

I have always been attracted to the younger crowd, but I think my tastes are finally shifting and I can say that my preferences are loosening up a bit.  Seems I have been harsh in my judgments and have been unfair to some.  For that I want to apologize, I should have been more understanding and patient but I wasn't and I lost the person forever. They are now back with their ex and I am all alone.

Funny how life works, but here I thought I had given up on finding love and what am I doing I am writing about it.  I was resigned to spend the rest of my life alone and miserable.  I felt that no one would accept me with all my medical issues and other limitations that my illness has brought on me. Yet here I am this very evening opening myself back up and trying to start all over again.

Wish me luck and let me know if you see anyone out there that matches what I am looking for.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Life Rarely turns out as planned

Being a Sagittarius I should know all about the dangers of planning because no matter how much work or preparation I put into things they never ever go as planned.  I can use this move as a prime example of what I am talking about and then take you even further into the discussion.  I paid the deposit on my place and was told I could move in right away.  The place came furnished to a degree, but I had my own stuff in my parents garage, and wanted my own stuff in the apartment.

The original plan was to head home to Pennsylvania to my mothers place.  I think that is where I am eventually going to end up.  But right now there is so much going on with my health that I didn't want to risk leaving my doctor's and the treatments that have already started.  So I am here for at least another 6 months or so.  Depending on my health and how I am handling the treatments.  So for now I am still sitting firm in Daytona.  Because of the original plan my ex and good friend Sterling Williams was going to come down from Atlanta and help me move either to my mother's or into the new place.

Once it was decided that I was going to stay here and finish out my probation and fight the courts on this last charge.  I started looking for a place to live, knowing that I only had till the beginning of the New Year to find a place and get settled. Once I found the place and started posting pictures of it on Facebook, Sterling and others contacted me and told me that they would help me move.  Now, in my heart I knew that this was going to easily, that it was not going to turn out the way it was planned.  My feelings of this nature are rarely wrong and this was no exception.  Sterling was unable to make it due to transportation difficulties, I go sick and so did my friend Johnathan.  Nothing that has ever come to me so easy ever flowed according to the plan.

Life has a very funny way of dealing out the hands that we get.  I know some people who are the perfect picture of health, never getting sick, then there are folks who like me seem to find themselves subject to various illness and hassles.  I am not sure how up to date I have been keeping you, I know that it has been quite awhile since I had a chance to sit down and write.  But, another example of planning going totally wrong is the life that I originally tried to build here in Daytona.  It sure started out good and the first 9 months I accomplished a lot of things and even became rather successful.  It was when I went to California that was the unexpected wrinkle in the plan.  My friend Mike Reed had unexpectedly passed away at the age of 50 and left his wife, Judy and her daughter Amanda out there in Los Angeles. One day I would like to go back out there and make amends for the mistakes that I made when I was out there.  But, that is going to have to wait to see how my health holds up.

Before I went to California I was talking to my ex Bobby O'hara and for months I thought he was going to move down here and we were going to try and get our lives clean and see how we did as a couple being sober.  But every time it seemed like he was going to finally come down something  would always end up happening and he never came down. At the same time I was talking to my ex Kerry Rutherford, and I wasn't sure which way my heart was pulling me but I struck out and took a chance.  I went to California to help my friend Judy and to bring Kerry back from the west coast to the east coast.  I know now because hindsight is 20/20 that I should have left things alone. The fact of the matter was that I was clean of Meth from March of 2012 till December of 2012 when I met up with Kerry.  He wasn't even off the plane for an hour before he wanted to go out and get high.  I should have known then that the plans that Kerry and I had made over the phone and internet for months wasn't going to work out.  But, I put a lot of effort and energy into the relationship, came very close to loosing my life and did manage to lose almost everything I owned.  I realize now and it is way too late that my heart had led me down the wrong path and I should have waited for the person that I really cared about and who cared about me.

Kerry and I had plans lots and lots of plans but none of them ever seemed to take off.  I was going to write and start my video blog and he was going to help me.  He was going to start writing music and try and kick his career back off.  Here we are 2 years later and neither of those things ever came about.  Kerry is back in Atlanta and as far as I can tell he is doing well for himself and I am hoping that he will be able to beat the addiction that him and I faced together.  Luckily, my poor health has taken the ability to party away and not only that I am also on probation for the first time in my life. Bobby was so concerned about my health and came down to help me move but at the time that he came I had no place for him or I too stay.  He also seemed to think that I was constantly high. What he didn't know or understand is that I was in such pain from osteomilitis and it was causing my mood to swing in the extremes.  I didn't know what was happening to me at the time, I just knew that my back was hurting more and more every day and that it wasn't getting any better.  So, without understanding and not being in a position to really help Bobby he moved on to Jacksonville where he is doing fantastic for himself.  I have to say that I am so proud and happy for him.  He is working and has a place to live and is doing really well for himself.  I understand that he recently got back with his ex and I wish him all the luck and good will in the world.

Each and everyone of us takes a stance in life and we look  back at the journey we have taken.  I can almost certainly promise that as we look back on our life that we are never satisfied or happy with the way that things turned out.  Each of us had a different idea and plan as to how our lives were going to.  Funny that they road we took didn't lead us to the destination we had planned for ourselves but took us exactly where we needed to be.  I never thought looking back over 46 years that I would be alone and starting out all over again. I had the career, the dream job, the houses, the cars, everything that I had ever wanted.  But in 2005 thing were going to change my life forever.  I lost my career do to having radiation disease that was stronger than the cancer that I had faced and survived.  This was the changing point in my life, the point where health would take the center stage and dictate every  move and situation that I would find myself in.  Even now, I am trapped in a situation where I am being forced by health stay here in Daytona.  As of last Friday I was told that my health situation was going in the wrong direction.  My kidneys, liver, spleen, bladder, small intestine and part of my stomach have all started to fail. If the labs that I am taking and doing in the morning do not show a vast improvement in kidney and liver functions.  It will be time for dialysis, and the outlook for me surviving that is slim to none, I was also told by the neurosurgeon that it is totally impossible to operate on my back and that I was going to have to live with the pain.  I couldn't have possibly planned a life like this if I had wanted to.  I am not sure that I am ready to put my faith in the hands of the Doctors.  I rather take my chances with God.  See, eight months is not long enough for me to accomplish what I need to do.

I believe that I was given glimpses of my life so that I can correct the wrongs that I had done to other and heal the breaches and rifts that I had created.

See nothing really goes as we plan and life surely never turns out as planned as you can see!

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Don't let anything stand in your way of health and happiness

Recently I went through an aneurysm near my liver, I ended up in intensive care for 11 days and had to have 28 blood transfusions.  Since then I have been told that my blood pressure will not stabilize and that I may need to have surgery in order to correct this issue.

However, the odds of surviving such a procedure with all of the other surgeries I have had over the past 12 years isn't promising.  After speaking with several people that are very close to me and praying deeply on this subject I believe it is in my best interest to follow through with the second opinion.  But, in the long run I must think of myself and what this surgery might mean.  See, I am determined that I can beat this without surgery.  I have started taking iron supplements which stimulates blood production and calcium to strengthen my bone marrow.  i know that in the long run if I continue with these supplements I may be able to boost my hemacrit to a level that is safe.

I have been been doing this for about a month and the blood results that my primary care doctor got from the lab are promising.  It seems that my blood level has increased almost by an entire point and which means that it is working.  Like I said earlier this is all about the quality of life that I am expecting to have once I am on the mend.  With open heart surgery there would have to be certain limitations placed on my body that I am not sure I am ready to agree too at this point.  Since the specialist haven't receive the lab results from my primary care doctor as of yet they can't possibly make an informed decision.  Luckily I was called by the doctors office yesterday afternoon, because my doctor is going to be out of the country the rest of the month.

I haven't even had a chance to share these test results with my best friend and partner yet because we talked right before Dr, Chris called me.  No matter what happens to me at this point I have to say that I am content in the knowledge that those who love me are behind me and support me in this decision.  I know it may be hard for some of you to understand, but I am not willing at this point to limit myself any further then I have with the past surgeries.  i am finally on the mend  both mentally and physically and for that I am greatful.

I remember my grandmother once telling me that we can dictate how we feel with our attitude and outlook.  I hold myself with confidence and knowledge and I know that I can beat this.  I know my better than any doctor and I know when things are changing within it.  I am sure that it is the same with any person that has a terminal illness.  We become intimately familiar with every nuance of our body and when change or illness occurs we are aware of it almost immediately.

I honestly don't know what the future holds in store for me. I don't know if things between me and my partner are going to ever get back to where they were.  But I do have hope and faith that no matter what happens at this point he will always and forever be a part of my life.  I have told him many times in the past that I have never felt the way I feel for him with anyone else.  Yes I have loved others but i have never wrapped myself and totally lost myself in another person like I did him.  Sometimes, I know he felt under appreciated but trust me when I tell you that I wouldn't be here today without him and his strength.  I don't think he knows how strong he really is, but it is his faith in me and quiet hope that has kept my spirits up throughout this past year of hospitalizations and doctors visits.

I hope that he reads this and knows how much I appreciate him.  He always took very good care of me and made sure that I was eating and doing the right things.  I wouldn't have been able to recover as fully as I have, if it wasn't for him.

What I have learned through all of this is that you cannot let anyone or anything interfere with you health and happiness.  Because no one but you and the person you are with knows exactly what goes on between the both of you.  There are two sides to a relationship, there is the public side that everyone on the outside sees and then there is the private side.  This is the side that only the two of you see and because of that no one can really know the importance of the other person in your life.  So take advice and criticsm of your relationship with a grain of salt, remember that they only see the one side.

Your happiness is the key to your health, as well as your mental attitude.  Please keep that in mind as you go forward in life.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Update...

Well, there it has been quite awhile since I sat down at the computer to write to you guys, and I think it is about high time that I fill you in on some of the things that have been happening in my life.  Since the last time I wrote I have had several more visits to the hospital and a whole lot of stuff has been happening in my life.  Most of which are topics that we are going to once again be topics of discussion here on Uncle B's Corner.

But first off let me tell you that I have been doing a whole series of different treatments and going through various doctors and wow...Miracles do happen.  As some of you are aware I had a whole gambit of illnesses that were holding me down and keeping me in place, but that seems to be a thing of the past.  As of last week I have almost a clean bill of health.  The kidney disease has totally been eradicated and there seems to be no permanent damage to my kidneys.  My body has been fighting off the Hep C virus and keeping it in check and I can report no major liver damage and treatments for that will begin in Mid December.  The leukemia is being treated currently and I am having positive results with that treatment and it seems like I will be in remission before you know it.

As for everything else that was wrong with me, it seems that God has seen fit for total recover and healing.  I am doing very well, a bout of bronchitis is the only thing that I am really dealing with. I can only say that prayer, faith and positive thinking have done wonders for me.  Plus drinking lots of water and modifying my diet a little bit have also helped.  I also think that going back to work has had a lot to do with motivating me  and keeping me focused.  Now it is time to get back to you my readers and my fans.  Recently, I stepped down from working full time to part time again so that I could get back on track with my writing and my aspirations.  So here I am once again at the computer keyboard getting ready to talk to you about important things that may or may not help you in your daily life.

It has been one heck of a year. Full of surprises, disappointments, hurts, and resounding victories.  I can tell you that you will be hearing a great deal from me in the coming weeks and months as the rest of 2013 dwindles away.  Some of you are saying it is about time and you are very correct on that.  I have been away from what I love for far too long.

So, here I am with a renewed spirit, attitude and hope for the rest of the year and for what is coming.  So please come back often and read about what has been happening and what I have learned over the past year.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Learning to Live Again

How do you come back to life after almost dying 3 times this year?  How do you come back to life after your world has shattered because your husband died?  How do you come back after you've had a serious injury that has left your confidence and self-esteem injured.  The answer to all of these questions is the same answer, you have to learn to live again.  You have to pick yourself up, and you have to carry on.  Make sure that you give yourself the appropriate mourning period, find and celebrate the silver lining of the situation that you have found yourself in. Remember, that there is always going to be a silver lining to every situation.  Finally you have to look at yourself, really look at yourself and love yourself in-spite of everything that that is happening to you.  In situations like the ones above, we forget to love ourselves and except ourselves for the person that we are and who we have become.  We have a tendency to loose ourselves in our own situation and suffer through it on our own.

Just realizing that you aren't alone, that there are people out there that care about you and are there to support you and help you deal with any situation is the first step in making it through.  From there you have to face yourself in the mirror, accept and deal with the emotional impact of what has happened to you.  If you are brutally honest with yourself you will find a strength that you may never have known before.  We are never given more than we can bear, nor are we ever left to face these types of hard times on our own. Take the time and look around you, you are going to be surprised at how few people you once considered friends  are there for you, however there are going to be others that are still there waiting for you to see them. I realized a short while ago, that when times are tough and you are down or out or even sick only a select group are going to be around for you. It seems that all the others only are around when times are going good and you are up.  These are the ones that I would let go, they are not true friends at all, they are hanger-on's.  People that at every chance are kind and considerate to your face, but behind your back they have only their own interest at heart.

If you remember I have a belief that there are those that come into our lives that are needed and stay an allotted amount of time before they move on.  We each have a support group, those that stand by us through thick and thin, and are willing to go the distance for you when times are tough.  These are the ones that you need to cherish and appreciate. They are going to be the ones that are going to help you pick up the shattered pieces of your life and rebuild it.  These are the friends, relatives and loved ones that are going to accept you and what is going on in your life and offer support and help through the rough times.  These friends are true friends and are hard to find, but when you do, you need to cultivate and nurture them so that they last.  When I tell you that you need to start learning how to live again, these are the ones that are going to swoop in, help dispel the despair and darkness that has descended upon you.  Because believe it or not when something major happens in your life depression is virtually inevitable, it is your friends that will bring joy and light back into your life and help you over the rough times.

Another thing that you have to do is find a new outlet, something that you enjoy and love to do.  This will help take your mind off of your problem or issues and allow you to start enjoying yourself again.  Remember that sometimes we have to immerse ourselves in a new project to take our mind away from our own problems.  I have found that listening to other's problems and issues helps take my mind off of my own issues and offers me an outlet in which I can help someone else and ease their problems.  I have found myself often times offering to help others which in turn actually helps me with my own issues.  See, each experience is a learning experience and believe it or not, most of the time someone is going through something similar to what I am going through and by helping them, helps me figure out what to do in my own life.

One of my earlier blog entries was about how do we get over the death of someone that we love, and what I have found is that we never truly get over their loss.  Our friends can help ease the pain, bring back joy and life into our lives and help motivate us to get up and out and do things again.  Because death, illness, or tragedy often holds us to in place, keeps us from going out and doing things.  One of my dearest friends lost her husband of 24 years recently and according to her daughter the passing sucked the life out of the house and her mother, she asked me to come and help out which is what I have done.  I can tell you that since I have been here that the energy level has changed in the house. No one is sitting idle wallowing, we are getting out and doing things and the depression and darkness that was once here has virtually vanished.  Now, I cannot make the pain of her loss go away, I can only make her laugh and take her mind off of the sadness for short periods of time.  But keeping her busy and giving something other to think about seems to be helping out greatly.  On top of that my partner's sister had a baby and that has breathed new life into our little family and that has also helped take our minds off of our problems.  It is amazing how things work out.

As you know yesterday I talked about how each of us has come through such trials in 2012 and how I am expecting a huge turn around in 2013.  My hope is that my message love, forgiveness, compassion and acceptance is taken on by each and everyone of us as the new year begins.  Please take the time to tell those that have stood by you how much you love and appreciate them. That they mean so much and have touched you in so many ways.  Sometimes we don't do that enough, and we really need to let others know exactly what they mean to us.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

My Testimony (Why I am So Very Thankful)

As I look back over the past year I am amazed at what I have been through and have endured.  But I didn't do it all on my own, and on this evening before Thanksgiving, I want to give you my testimony, share with you the incredible journey that I have found myself on this entire year.  I am sure that each of you will be inspired and amazed at what we can endure, what we can learn, and most importantly what drives us on in the face of tremendous odds.  This blog has been an extension of who I am at this phase of my life, I hold nothing back and reveal my entire personal life here.  It has been a blessing for me to share those things with you.  Be patient with me, some of this stuff might be something you have heard before, if you have been reading the blog religiously.  However, as with all my writing new things are always revealed.  There are always lessons to be learned, heard and found in everything I write.

I am going to start with today and work my way backward in time towards the beginning of the year.  This morning I woke up at 5:30 am which is highly unusual for me.  I am normally not a morning person at all, but for some reason I have woken up early for the past three days.  I have to tell you that in the morning I am usually non functional, it takes me sometime to get myself together and motivated to start the day, however for the past three days I have popped up wide awake, and filled with the most amazing joy and believe it or not a song in my heart.  This morning I got up and immediately started listening to my new favorite song "Restless", I actually played it three times singing with it each time, and as I sang my heart and spirit just soared.  Before I knew it I looked up and it was 10:30 in the morning.  I had done my traditional Facebook good morning and greetings to my friends and associates on Facebook and had planned to just sit on the new couch and chill for a little bit.  I had decided that since it was the day before the holiday that I was just going to relax and wasn't going to worry about the open enrollment for medicare today. That I would take care of it next week.  To my utter amazement I got on my laptop in the living room and before I knew it I was looking at medicare plans in my area.  I actually clicked on a link and it took me to a page that compared all the different plans in my area.  I looked over the information and got an idea of what I was looking at, was sort of undecided when my cellphone rang and it was a lady from the company who hosted the website, my information was routed to her and so she called me.  We talked for a few minutes and I explained what I was looking for, and she started pulling up stuff on her end and talking to me about all the different plans.  Now during our conversation a lot of information came out about my various medical conditions and concerns that I had that needed to be addressed by whatever new plan that I got.  The woman's name was Marcia, and she stopped me and told me that she just needed to tell me that I sounded so upbeat and positive despite everything I was going through and proceeded to tell me what a pleasure it was to talk to me.  How, just by speaking with me and hearing the positive attitude and happiness in my voice had made her week and was going to make her Thanksgiving that much memorable.  This actually touched me in a very deep way.

See we never know where any casual conversation we have with someone else is going to take us, how our words, confidence and happiness can be heard through the phone line, and how that is going to affect or influence another person.  How just being yourself and having a smile on your face can carry through your voice and be delivered to the person on the other end of the line.  See we never know who might be looking at us, watching us, and finding inspiration from us.  Eyes and ears are all around you, and we may never know how many lives are touched and influenced just by our passing by them.  Which is why I tell you to live as you believe, let your light shine around you, and let your joy and happiness wash out into the world.  Remember that even though you might not see them, they can see you.   As I have told you this has been a long year, full of difficulties, encounters, connections, crossings and even a couple of brushes with death.  It  has taught me that there is so much in the world that I don't understand yet, and so much to learn, but on the opposite side of that coin there is so much to teach, talk about and put out to others.  I have learned that nothing is ever truly what it seems and that miracles do exist and happen in our daily lives, and if we are too busy to notice they may just pass us by unnoticed.  There is beauty and majesty in everything around us, there is wonder and adventure in every encounter we have, again we might have to look for it, but it is there. Every new day brings lessons and understanding if we are open and receptive to hear them.  Nothing you do is transparent, you aren't as invisible as you might wish you were.  People see you, interact with you, listen to you and might be inspired by you. You just never know!

I learned the trouble of misconceptions and preconceived notions about others, I learned that some people can be biased and judgmental and never give you a chance, because they think they know you, and you might do the same to them.  I learned how if you are not paying attention to those around you, how easily it can be to miss the hand of love and acceptance they are extending to you.  I also learned that if you don't listen carefully to what someone is saying to you, and really hear the words they are speaking you might make the wrong assumptions.  You might be surprised at something someone says to you, and be even amazed and full of awe at the love they have for you and it was there right before your eyes the entire time.  I also learned that if you aren't careful with your feeling you might misplace them in the wrong person, and how during a simple conversation the truth will be revealed if you are listening with both your heart and your ears. The heart is hard to fool, trust me it can hear the words that are spoken and translate them into honest feelings if you let it.  Let me explain this too you and maybe you can understand what I am saying by this.  I met someone last fall and I really cared about that person and for most of the year I thought that me and this person were going to be together, get to know one another, and build a relationship together.  I moved from Atlanta to Ormond Beach in February and was talking to this person and trying to get him to come down with me.  But, every month there was another excuse, and a reason why he couldn't or wouldn't come.  He knew what I was going through and told me that he wished he could be here with me to help me go through my surgeries and illnesses but never came.  We hadn't talked in several months due to circumstances beyond both of our control, however during our first conversation when we reconnected recently, he asked about my surgery and when I explained that it didn't work out as was expected and that I would never be made whole again like I had hoped. He said isn't there something like a bionic colon or something else that they can try?  I grew quiet, he didn't ask me if I was alright with it, didn't tell me he was sorry to hear that it didn't go right, nor did he say anything like it's okay, don't worry we will make it through this together, nothing like that.

Now, let me talk to you about the other person in my life, my ex, when he found out how sick I was, which I sent him an email in March, the same time that the first person said he was going to come and then didn't, my ex called me immediately and this is what he said to me.  Oh my god Bryan and I am sorry to hear about what you are going through. I don't want you to go through this alone, let me find out what I can do to get there.  I will call you on Friday and see if I can't be there that afternoon.  Mind you this is Wednesday afternoon when I got the call.   When he called on Friday I explained to him that I appreciated that he wanted to come and help me but that I was staying with my father and that there just wasn't room.  We stayed in touch since that day. Mind you I kept talking to the first person up until July when it wasn't possible any more, and my ex both during this time.  However the more my ex and I talked the more he revealed to me that he loved me and wanted me in his life.  He said to me that with all of the stuff medically that we had been through and how close both of us came to dying this past year, that he realized that he wanted to spend whatever remaining time we had left together whether it be a week or 20 years.  That we owed it too each other to be happy and that I truly understood him and made him happy.  Then in June when they tried to operate and the procedure failed and it became evident that I was going to be physically impaired for the rest of my life, he told me look it is okay, that he loved me anyway, he didn't care about all of that other stuff and that we would work through it together and not to worry.  Now keep in mind that I have been hurt in love before and I wanted to be sure.  Honestly, when he told me that he loved me I thought it was in a friendship sort of way, I actually  thought he was interested in someone else.  It took him several months of talking to me to convince me that I was the one that he wanted.  His words didn't sink in, we had both inadvertently hurt each other last year in Atlanta and when we separated I didn't ever think we would get back together much less talk.  However, when he reminded me of the events of the last day that we spent together, and what had happened and what was said and done that honestly convinced me that he wasn't bullshitting that he really did love me and cares for me.

I would say that I was conflicted and confused because I was interested and having feelings for both of them.  In a way I still do, however, my eyes have been opened to the difference between the two, and I know in my heart that I have love for both of them, I also know that there is only one that I am "In Love With".  It is through this revelation that I learned just how great the human heart is, and I am amazed at the abundance of love that it can have for others.  I have learned that everything we go through and endure makes us stronger and more able to deal with other things as they come up.  See, I moved back to Florida for several reasons, first, I had lost my apartment in Atlanta because of bad choices I had made, the drugs I was doing and the company I was keeping, and as a result of those decisions not only was my apartment lost, but my car was stolen, I ended up loosing all of my clothes, jewelry and possessions and my two beautiful dogs were taken from me and put to sleep.  I was devastated and living on the streets and if that wasn't enough I developed kidney stones and ended up spending a lot of time in the hospital.  Where it was revealed to me that I had renal disease, my kidneys were totally impaired by my HIV Drug regimen, and that if my condition didn't change I was going to need dialysis.  Second, was when I told my dad about my medical condition and all that was wrong with me he asked me point blank did that mean that I was dying.  At that point all the doctors and evidence pointed toward that as fact.  I had been told that I probably wouldn't make it to see next year.  So my dad and step-mom told me I could come and stay with them until I got on my feet.  Literally I left with just the clothing on my back and nothing else.

This my friends is just the beginning of the amazing journey and adventure that I was about to embark upon this year.  I wasn't here in Florida a week when I started urinating blood and running a fever, made several trips to the emergency room, and in March, keep in mind that I got off the bus from Atlanta in Daytona Beach on February 3, 2012, I ended up in the hospital and my colon ruptured in two places, and I was rushed into emergency surgery, kept in ICU for 9 days and wasn't released for 20 more days after that. I learned during that time that there was so much of my life that I needed to share with others, that I had been given so many lessons and that there was work for me to do yet.  I was delivered by God from death, and inspired to continue my work helping others, but this time from a safer distance and through a talent that had laid dormant long enough. I started my blog in April and have been writing ever since. I have met some very interesting characters, friends and acquaintances on this journey. Plus my time on the streets of Atlanta had taught me some very important lessons and survivor skills that I was lacking. My friends and family encouraged me to write my experiences, my lessons learned, and thoughts as well as the wisdom I had picked up during my life.  I had never imagined that it would take off like it has, I am read by over 400 readers a day, and my blog is translated and read in 27 countries around the world.  On top of that I get emails, phone calls, comments on my blog and on Facebook daily about how my life has been an inspiration too so many, that my words speak directly to some, and how easy it is to understand and comprehend what I write about.  But my friends there is still more, I am just beginning to understand life a little better with each passing day.  I comprehend more and see more now that my eyes have been opened toward the world and those around me.  I now understand that there is so much more to be seen and learned that lies just beyond the surface.  That new lessons are presented to me each day, new challenges that I have to rise too, and that nothing or no one can make me feel anything other than what I want to feel, if they do, then I have given them power over me and that isn't always a good thing.

Never in my life have I ever truly been on my own, I have always been in relationships or had others living with me.  This is the first time since I have moved out of my parents house at the age of 17 to join the Navy that I have truly lived and been on my own.  Now, I mean physically alone, I know that I am never truly alone that God and the Angels are watching over me and are always with me.  But, I have never had to entertain myself or lived without someone sharing the place with me.  This is new and it is interesting.  As I have learned more about myself and the lessons of life, I have begun to see the world and others differently.  I have begun to see just how different I am from others, that my positive attitude and sense of humor affect and infect others and how just being confident in myself and strong in my desire to help others has moved me into a whole new world.  After my failed operation in June I joined the Positive Champions Speakers Bureau and the Partnership for Comprehensive HIV/AIDS Planning. I have met some great individuals with the same background as I have.  We stand united against the fears and stigmas of HIV/AIDS, we strive to educate and inform the public of the misconceptions and myths surrounding the disease, and we speak out in public and support the LGBT community and Positive people everywhere no matter of their sexual orientation.  Despite my illness and constant visits to the hospital they have welcomed me and made me apart of their group and family.

But most importantly I have learned that there is life after being diagnosed with terminal illness, that their are ways of compensating for limited faculties and disabling conditions of illness and disease.  That no matter what the doctor's predict about your mortality and time left, that it is just a prediction.  That with a positive attitude and outlook your whole condition and sense of being can be transformed.  In spite of all the illnesses I have, which at current date I have 6 terminal illness all serious with no cure, nothing and no one gets me down for long. That my attitude and outlook are helping countless people and inspiring others to do things they never thought they would be capable of doing.  I live my life as an example, so that others might take hope and benefit from those things I have gone through.  Even though I live with constant pain, I can still give joy and laughter to others, that I can help bring some light into an otherwise darkened world and show people that hope and love still exists.  Since I have gotten sick and became outspoken and vocal about my illnesses I have seen a host of different reactions, some pity, others fear, others revulsion, others awe and wonder.  But, through all of this not one of them has turned away from me and left me.  When I asked a person who told me they were revolted by the fact that I was HIV Poz why they just didn't walk away and stay away, he told me because he soon discovered he was wrong, that he had made some assumptions about me and that the more he learned about me the more he couldn't deny the enthusiasm and joy that I had, and when he heard my story how everything he thought shattered in the face of truth.

As I told you earlier there are people out there that have these notions they think they know you, they think that they have you figured out and when the truth hits them, their whole image of you shatters and they are forced to accept the real you at face value or move on.  In his case when he found out that I had inadvertently infected myself with HIV by using a dirty needle that my one lover had used to shoot up his drugs and put back in my box for my vitamin shots.  His perception of me was changed.  See he thought that I was promiscuous and had slept around and that I had contracted the disease from having sex.  You just never know do you!  Looks can be deceiving and you have to give others the benefit of the doubt. No one can tell just by looking at you that you are ill, or might be dying.  It is through this young man's confession to me that my outlook about others changed as well, and I realized that even I was guilty of looking at others and pre-judging them.  So I stopped doing that literally, I simply now take everyone I meet at face value and I embrace the challenge of getting to know them, and understanding their story.  Because behind every mask, and we all wear one, is a story that is just waiting to be heard, everyone longs to be understood and accepted for themselves on their terms and loved unconditionally.  God has chosen to keep me around a little bit longer and for that I am eternally grateful, he has brought into my life once again a man that I love very dearly, who through every turn and every opportunity has displayed grace, love and acceptance, who always knows exactly what I am feeling and exactly the right words to encourage me, or inspire me.  He has taught me about myself too, he has given me hope and something to live for.  He has proven to me that he wants to spend whatever time we have left together, he turned away from his old life and old ways just because I showed him a different way to be.  He inspires me to be more than I am and encourages me to reach higher than I ever thought I could.  When I talk with him there is nothing I can't do or accomplish, and he accepts all of me, my strengths, weakness, my anxieties, my fears, and my limitations.

Lastly my readers and friends I want to say thank you to you.  For your devotion to reading my blog, for sending me the letters of encouragement, for using your voice on Facebook and other mediums to tell others about me.  I thank you for your prayers, and your wishes for my continued health.  I have never thought I would ever find the sort of acceptance that I have discovered this year.  Everyone I have met and continue to meet constantly tells me that I am such an inspiration.  But it is because of all of you that I am.  It is because of you telling others about me that my popularity has grown.  It is because of you that I have the strength and the ability to continue writing.  It is because of all of you, and the support and love that you have shown me that I am truly grateful, and because of you I don't feel alone.  You have heard my voice both the literal one and my written one and the message that it gives you of hope and inspirations is what drives me forward with compassion and passion to help make the world a better place for all of us to live in.  I am here for you, feel free to write to me, tell me what is going on in your life.  Don't be scared, don't live in the dark, if you don't want to talk to me talk to someone about what is going on.  Trust me when you do the weight and the pressure you are feeling will be lessened and you might find some unexpected advice and help when you least expect it.

Thank you for being my friends, readers, listeners and support network, it is through you and with you that my message of love, acceptance, and friendship is truly being spread.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Don't be a victim any more!

I posted a blog several minutes ago that is totally based on personal experience.  How I have found myself confronted with friends and acquaintances that continually hit me up asking for help both financially and emotionally.  What I have realized is that I am the one that has set up myself for failure in my dealings with others.  Last year when I was in Atlanta, I found out that I am stuck in a pattern of behavior, a destructive spiral that has been repeating in my life for years. But each time I get hurt I am still surprised. My case manager at AID Atlanta pointed out to me that everything I have ever done is set myself up to be a victim.  I started seeking professional help.  Apparently my personal interrelationship skills have been severely warped because of trauma experienced in my previous long term relationship.  Now, trust me when I tell you that there was some trauma, mental and physical abuse that I endured for twelve years, but I don't believe that my behavior is a product of that relationship alone.  As I am very fond of telling you, we are the product of everything we have ever been through, all the people we have ever known and the decisions and choices we have made. With that being said, let me tell you that I believe some of my behavior problems come from the way my parents interacted with each other while I was growing up.

My parents were married and divorced from each other 4 times.  They had terrible fights and never got along.  All together my parents were together for 36 years, but I am not sure they ever knew what true love was.  This pattern of behavior between my parents had affected my ability to find and nurture a successful relationship.  Plus, the experiences I have had with my own long term relationships have affected my self-esteem and self-worth.  Sometimes I wonder if that alone might the biggest factor in how I enter into relationships and how I react when I meet other people. See when my 12 1/2 year relationship finally came to an end, I had forgotten who I was. I somehow lost myself in the relationship, my sense of identity and fundamentally my drive and direction in life.  I had also been told over and over again for 12 long years that I was fat, ugly, untalented and undesirable. I had heard it so much, that I began to believe it.  Now, even though I weigh a hundred and thirty pounds I still see the fat person staring back at me from the mirror.

In order to keep myself from getting hurt, I met and dated people that I felt needed me, people who I thought I could help or rescue from themselves or the situations that they were in.  I guess in some sort of way it made me feel good helping other people, that I was like a hero coming to their rescue, was helping them to better themselves. It made me feel useful and needed, and somewhere during our conversations, I would explain how others in my past had stolen from me or done me wrong.  Thus giving them the ammunition and the information they needed to do exactly the same thing to me that others had done.  What I did was sabotage myself and the relationship right from the beginning.  Instead of protecting myself, I ended up giving away my weaknesses and vulnerability.  Then I would wonder why I was hurt and used and left all over again, and why it seemed to keep happening to me.  I used to think that men would see my kindness for weakness, but what was actually happening was I myself was giving others the ability to use me and take from me repeatedly.

What I am trying to tell you is that each of us follows our own pattern of behavior, and if you look hard enough and are honest with yourself you can discover yours. Once you discover the pattern and understand why you have fallen into it, you can then change it. You can break out of it and create a new pattern.  My pattern started because I had the need to feel wanted, the need to be needed and useful in someone else's life. What started out as a desire to help others, to make their lives easier, to help them overcome their obstacles and work through their issues and crisis's, would end up with me getting involved with them. Some might even call that a Florence Nightengale syndrome.  You want to help and be a rescuer, you get a sense of joy and fulfillment out of helping others, it makes you feel like you are useful and worthy.  You then start to identify those feelings with intimacy, and you start falling for those you are trying to help.  Or at least that is what I did.  I would then further talk to them explain to them how hurt I have been in the past, what I was afraid of, how people had stolen from me, taken from me and used me.  By doing that and confiding in these individuals, I gave them all the information and ammunition they needed to do the same thing to me.  Therefore, I ended up perpetuating this behavior over and over again.  So I would be a savior, hero, protector, basically Captain-Save-A-Ho. Then I would get closer to the person I was trying to help, become intimate, reveal my entire life history to them, and open myself up to be a victim, then once it happened I would then become a martyr.  This was a never ending cycle.

Being a drug addict didn't help the situation at all. As a matter of fact it opened me up to scores of people that always seemed to need help.  I was in a financial situation where I could help them, get them drugs and help them get off the street.  I didn't realize the destructiveness of my behavior.  Nor while I was on the drugs could I see what was plain to everyone around me. That my relationship building skills were severely damaged.  Once I realized that I was stuck in a destructive type of behavior, I started to change my pattern, got off the drugs, got a job, reevaluated my goals and moved away from my old group of friends.  On top of that I enrolled in school to better myself and start a new chapter in my life.  I also started writing my blog, to help others and put some distance between myself and others.  I don't want to again confuse my need to help others with intimacy.  I am more guarded with my life and who and what I allow in.  I stay away from the drugs and those that do them and I am much happier that way.

Honestly, if you are not happy with your life, you have to do something to change it yourself, it doesn't come with a remote control.   What this means is that you have to get up off your butt and make the changes because there isn't a little box that is going to make the changes for you.  You have to put some effort into making the change or it just isn't going to happen.  Change takes effort, time and energy!  But trust me if I can do it you can too.  Don't let others intimidate you or make you feel that you owe them something. Because you know what the only person you owe anything too is yourself.  You owe it to yourself to protect yourself from hurt, pain or people that want to use and abuse you.  You have to put yourself first and everyone else after that. Just like in my earlier blog, you can want to help someone, but if they aren't doing something to change themselves, and they are not demonstrating that they want to change, walk away. Because you can't force someone to change themselves. They have to want it. They have to make the effort, you cannot do that for them.  Also if someone is demonstrating that they are continuing in their same pattern behavior and not trying to better themselves. Move on, they are stuck on Repeat and are going to stay there till they hit rock bottom.  Once they hit rock bottom they are likely to want to make the necessary changes to move on with their life.

I have a lot of friends and acquaintances that are still out there waking up every morning turning to their dealer and asking for a wake up, then in the afternoon calling back looking for a pick me up.  They go from place to place, party to party, friend to friend looking for their next hit or fix.  These are the people that are stuck on repeat.  Not making any effort to change their behavior or situation.  The friend I was talking about in my last entry who asked me to help him out, is living on the street. Staying in hotels for a couple nights at a time before going back on to the street.  He hustles, sells himself to make a buck and get his drugs.  I was attracted to him, wanted to help him and get him off the street.  I offered to buy him a bus ticket and bring him down to stay with me.  At first he wanted to stay in Atlanta to spend time with his family for his birthday. He was supposed to get back with me on dates that he would be able to come.  He never did, and then last night got mad at me when he asked me for help and I told him that I didn't have the money.  He also threw it in my face that I hadn't bought the bus ticket yet, therefore I was a bullshitter.

The truth of the matter is that it was him and his inconsistency that caused me not to buy the ticket to come to Florida.  Further, after our conversation last night I realized that what I had done, how I had confused my desire of wanting to help him and better his situation with feelings of caring.  He used that against me by telling me that he cared about me and missed me. But his words and actions tell me otherwise. This is how I came to realize that it wasn't me that he wanted.  He wanted what he thought that I could do for him. To him it didn't matter who it was, he cared about what others can do for him. Further, the more we talked the more it became evident that everything that he ever told me about how he cared for me and even told me that he loved me was a lie.  He doesn't want to change his life or his situation, he wants to hustle others to get what he needs.  He has no problem telling them what he thinks they want to hear.  This is what he did to me, and when I offered to help him get off the streets all he wanted was for me to send him money.  He even tried to tell me things about the person I am dating thinking that this would separate us and make it easier for him to get what he wanted out of me. Even now as I am writing this I am once again bemoaning what has happened to me.  The difference this time, I have come to realize the pattern and now I am exposing it to the world and purging it from my system by writing this.  I don't want you to think that I am making myself out to be a martyr, see I know what I have done, and realize it.  I am explaining it to you so that you don't get caught up like I did.

Be wary of your patterns, learn them and if they are detrimental to yourself or others change them anyway you can. Just by making a minor deviation, you can totally change your pattern altogether. I hope that you take my experience and learn from it.  If you find yourself in a similar situation you need to let them go, walk away and cut your losses.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B