Give and Take

I give and you take this is the story of my life.  Or has been up till now, for years I was walking around invisible, the man behind the men in my life.  I was taking care of the messes, the issues, the financials but I was behind the scenes.  No one ever cared about my feelings, I was the one making all the sacrifices and the hard decision that needed to be made. I was essentially on my own taking care of everyone around me in ways that they didn't even consider.  Now that I have reached the ripe ole age of 50 I am beginning to start a new chapter in my life and I don't want to be confined to the backseat role that I have always had.

No that life isn't for me anymore. I am not content just staying in the background and lurking in the shadows. I want the world to see me and I want center stage for a change.  Someone needs to put me first and foremost in their life and if they can't do it, then it is time for me to move on.  My name should have been Mat because essentially that is what I relegated myself too. I became the doormat for everyone to walk across as they came upon me.  In order to get to the other side they had to walk right over me and you know what I let them.  By holding in the hurt, sadness, disappointment and anger that I felt, I passively let each person continue on like I was just a fly necessary but a nuisance.  I am very tired of feeling that way, and I have come to the point in my life, that it has become alright if I am alone. 

I don't need anyone else to make me feel worse about myself than I already do.  I need someone to lift me up and put me as priority and I will not settle anymore for less than that.  With everything that I have been through and all that I have endured you would think that a simple relationship would be easy for me, but it has been the hardest work of my life, and I am still in a position where I feel like I am second rate.  I should feel like a champion, I should have strength of mind and body to ensure that I am taking care of.  Yet, for some reason I have yet to understand, I seem to put everyone else ahead of me and I am surprised when I end up getting hurt by them.  Nothing has ever prepared me for the treachery of the human mind, and I guess that I have been setting myself up for failure all along, by not being able to remain alone, I open myself up to the predators of the world.  They see my kind heart and good nature as a plaything that they can manipulate and use me.  Guilt is their most effective weapon and I have begun withdrawing myself from the world and those around me. I am not going to be used and walked on for the rest of my life.

Somewhere out there there has to be some soul that is sympathetic to mine and who will love me and cherish me as much as I do them.  All my friends tell me that I am a wonderful and beautiful person, so why can't I find a partner who see's me as they do?  Why must I only find those that choose to use me and manipulate me, that eventually leave me broken hearted and damaged and alone.  Where I have to pick up the shattered remains of my life and move on by myself, struggling to come to grips with the fact that the person I have spent my time, energy, money and resources on doesn't care enough to stay around when I need them the most.

Once upon a time there was someone that I grew close too and we were together a long time, we did everything together, though at first we didn't like one another something happened and 10 years later I am wondering where he went and why he left.  When he was seriously ill I stayed with him and took care of him, got him back to health and put up with him going out and leaving for days on end and hooking up with other people, but eventually I went through a similar medical situation and I needed him and guess what after all that time together off and on he took off and never came back.  I was younger then and I was able to finally slowly recover on my own, but in the long run things never got back to same place.  Yes, we have stayed in touch but we have never gotten back together and that is no longer in the cards for us. We have drifted apart and taken different paths that are no longer in sync with one another, instead of converging at this point they are diverging and getting wider apart with each passing year.

A relationship is supposed to be a mutual agreement between two people that have similar goals and desires who choose to team up and help each other achieve those said goals.  It is a partnership based on trust and compromise, that also has a physical aspect to it that makes it worthwhile.  If said relationship lacks any of these qualities it falls apart fairly rapidly.  One party or the other is unhappy and tensions build inside and tear the thing apart.  Usually, one or the other partner cares more about one than the other and that is what makes it so easy for it to be torn apart.  But the one that loves the least ends up with the power in the relationship because they end up being the one that has the strength to leave and move on with their lives the easiest.  The one with the most love invested in the situation is the one that is left behind hurt and wondering what really went wrong with the situation in the first place.  Most of the time they are blissfully unaware that their partner is unhappy and wandering.  They have the most time and money also invested in the relationship so when they other leaves the other is ruined both emotionally, financially and worse off mentally.

My whole life has been a series of this unfortunate unions and you would think that I would have learned how to guard my heart and let a callous form around it to protect it from giving out that love again so easily, but in my case that would mean a total alteration in my personality and I am afraid that I would lose the big heart that I am known for.  It is a pattern of behavior that I have to learn to break otherwise it will continue to happen to me over and over again if I let it.

I talk about patterns a lot and how we as individuals can get locked in to those patterns and if repeated enough they become second nature too us and become a habit.  The courts call this Habitual Offense it proves a proven pattern of repeat behavior that will continue unless the cycle is somehow broken. The legal system feels that incarceration is the answer to break these patterns of behavior, but I don't think that works out like they hope, because in my experience once that person is released from jail they immediately revert to the old familiar patterns.  My belief is that we can only break a pattern of behavior if we chose to directly replace that pattern with a different one that yields better results.  Habits can be broken but take time and a lot of practice, they also need to be watched and worked at vigorously to keep them broken or they creep back and we relapse.  Patterns are so ingrained in us that they cannot be broken they have to be replaced.  I know that I said that I believe that patterns if done enough become habit, but now that I focus on it more closely the truth has become evident it is the habits that if done long enough become patterns and those patterns in turn keep us locked into a cycle of behavior that our mind just accepts as it's new reality.    To truly break out of pattern we much replace it like I said and that requires us to change the entire parameters that make up the pattern, such as people, place, things, situations, triggers and memories.  This becomes truly hard and that is why addiction is such a hard thing to overcome and why many people fall back and relapse time after time.

Nothing is easy in this life and if it hurts you learn from it and it changes you both fundamentally and mentally.  I find that the more you have to work for and the harder you strive to get what you want the more you cherish what you achieve. With this in mind and a positive mental attitude you can achieve anything that you set your sights on.  No one promised you that life would not have issues or difficulties along the way, and we are creatures of habit and fall into patterns of habit that become hard to break, but everything in this world can be changed if you put your mind to it.  Always remember that every situation has a time limit. Every event that happens in your life is only temporary and will soon pass by.  So at this point whatever difficulty you are facing, whether it is something that you know how to accomplish or not, keep in mind that it is just a flash in the pan, and that life will continue on.  Minutes keep ticking by even in your are laying down, they keep going if you are in jail or sick and in the hospital.  Nothing is forever but death and thoughts, and time.  Everything else will pass by if you just keep going. 

Some of the fundamental tenants that I live by is that you can change the outlook on things by changing your point of view and you can alter your perception of things by adjusting your mental attitude.  Life is full of a series of roadblocks, pitfalls, and traps, but these only serve to make your stronger for the journey ahead.  Also that it is not the destination that matter but the path you choose to take because that is what is going to define you.  Never look back on your past and be disappointed in where you are, look closely to the journey you took to get there and all the things that you have learned along the way.  A positive mental attitude will set you up for a very positive day and will disperse any negative energy that might be lingering in your path. Smile and be glad of heart because you have a new day to rejoice in with no mistakes in it, so go ahead and screw it up your worst because you will have another chance to do it all again tomorrow.  Don't let other peoples opinions way you down, march to your own drum and be your own individual, because in the long run only you can create your own happiness, no one can do it for you.  Always remember that you never know where a casual conversation will lead you and who you might meet because of it.  Life is full of mysteries, learn a little something new everyday and you will feel better and like you have accomplished something.  I could go on but I think that you are getting the point.

But the final thought that I want to leave with you before I close out this entry is that never take more than you give, and never keep those around that are taking more than they are giving back because those that don't give as much as you will eventually throw you out of balance and cause you negativity to build up in your life you don't need that, cut them loose because they really aren't good friends and they are definitely healthy for you to keep around you.  Negative energy attracts more negative energy, and the opposite is true as well positive attracts positive and will increase your longevity in the long run.  I am living proof of that

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Nothing prepares us for the future

My birthday just passed on December 1, 2018 and I reached my 50th birthday.  A mark in my personal history that I thought I would never reach.  Many of you know my story and my history and have known that I have been sick for a very long time.  That almost 27 years ago now I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Large Cell Lymphoma that destroyed most of my Large and Small intestines.  I have been lucky and have survived through many things throughout the years. But nothing ever prepares you for the future.  It is true that with each illness I have gained knowledge and strength, I have been surprised with the ferocity that the illness returns each time.   Even now I am being plagued by internal bleeding and not knowing what is actually wrong and causing it.  I have spent most of the month of November in and out of the hospital, had to have blood transfusions and a battery of tests that were inconclusive and didn't shed any light on my recent illness and lack of strength.

2018 has been a strange year for me. It moved fairly rapidly and many things happened that have left me with my head spinning and less of an understanding regarding human nature.  It is also true that the strong prey on the weak, and people constantly try to take advantage of the ones that they think are weaker or nicer then themselves.  I have been constantly embroiled in a battle since 2010 where I have been continually used and abused by people I struggled to help and who I thought I was doing good by.  When I ran into difficulties of my own, I found myself struggling alone and there was no one around willing to help me in the same ways that I had helped them.  I bounced around and was struggling constantly battling drug abuse, homelessness and hunger.  Several times I attempted to change my circumstances and twice things rebounded on me and I ended up on my own and all alone again.

I lost a lot of friends and acquaintances over the past 2 years to drug overdose and complications to HIV/AIDS it hasn't been a comforting thought.  I never thought that I would face such loss.  Now that 2018 is drawing to a close I am reminded that some of my very best friends are no longer here.  Every one of my family members is sick currently, and none of the prognosis's are good.  My father is battling in operable stage 4 lung cancer, and my brother is battling end-stage renal disease, my mother is paralyzed from the waist down and has been extremely sick since June.  All of us have been going through hospitalizations and multiple doctor visits.

We also lost my dad's youngest brother in November to Lung cancer and the family is still in shock about that.  It is unfortunate that as we get older our bodies tend to weaken and our ability to heal slows and we don't recover as fast as we did when we were younger.  It is hard to believe that I am 50 years old now, that I have reached middle age and haven't really grasped the essential concepts of how to live and survive on my own.  My entire life I have been constantly surrounded by other people and have been a care-giver.  I thought that by now I would have at least learned the basics of survival and living on my own.  But unfortunately, somehow I missed those life lessons.

Nothing that I have been through has prepared me for the future that is looming in front of me.  I am suffering from the loss of many of my friends and a support network.  I am in love with someone that I realize doesn't honestly feel the same way for me.  I struggle with depression and dependence issues and I also have a desire to change my outlook on life.  With the possible loss of my family closing in on the horizon, I am afraid of what I am going to find when I am all alone.  I have never learned how to survive on my own and I struggle daily to overcome my own depression and weaknesses.  I am afraid that once I loose my parents I will be totally lost and will not know what to do with the rest of my life.

None of my dreams ever included me outliving my friends, peers or my parents.  I thought when I was diagnosed with cancer that it was the end for me but I have survived longer then most other people and I have overcome so many obstacles and outlived so many predictions of my demise.  I am not sure what I actually thought my life was going to be like, but this is not what I imagined when I left Orlando the first time and followed Joe Royer to Atlanta.  I never imagined in a million years that I would suffer from Colon cancer and that I would become disabled at such a young age.  I never really faced the truth of it all preferring to loose myself in drug use and addiction.  I surrounded myself by like minded individuals and created relationships and sexual partnerships with those that were lost in that world.  I have clung to the tapestry of my life and my existence because I really knew no other way.  Now I am back in Orlando, back where it all started and some of the same people that I have known from my past are here as well. I am trying to rekindle those lost friendships and relationships trying to rebuild my life and change the course of self-destruction that I have been on.

I don't understand what the future has in store for me but I know that I don't want to continue down the path that I have been going down for so long.  I want to change and by doing so I need to change everything about my life and what I have going on around me.  I want my partner to be with me, but if he doesn't want me in the same way that I want him then I am afraid that I am just waisting my time all over again and just setting myself up for heartache and pain.  I am going to stop writing tonight and continue this more in morning when I have more time to reflect on my life and situation.

Till we meet again in the morning!  Well it is actually a few days later I am picking up where I left off.  Today is now the 9th of December and I have gained a few more insights into the world that I was writing about the other day and I wanted to finish up on the topic of Nothing Prepares Us for the Future.  From the previous written dialogue you can see that I wasn't given a manual in which spelled out the answers to all of life's problems and made it easier to live by.  No after Joe and I broke up my life changed dramatically, I couldn't seem to pull myself together in any way that mattered.  I have struggled from that moment on till now, I can't explain it.  But the lessons I should have picked up along the way I didn't or maybe have forgotten. I pushed myself further into my misery and drug addiction and as I said surrounded myself by like minded individuals.  I lost myself and my direction and it has taken me years to come back to the realization that I am a person and that I do matter and that I do count and that I have purpose and meaning.  I still haven't made it back to my go out and get what I want personality but I am striving daily to reach it.

I realized not too long ago that when I left Orlando and went to Atlanta I had a go getter mindset.  I saw what I wanted and I set about getting it.  Years of being with Joe softened me and then illness struck and I lost heart and hope.  I gave up literally because I couldn't see a future with me being the broken and lost person that I was.  I suffered and still do at times from the illusion that the Gay lifestyle and world couldn't accept me, that I was a broken person and that I had no place in either gay or straight society. I was hurt and lost, I drifted aimlessly for years feeling sorry for myself and I left so many friends and loved ones behind in my self-pity trip.  Luckily many of them have stayed on the edges of my life all these years and I hear from them every once in awhile.  But here I am now at 50 and I am looking at my life and wondering where to go and how to begin again.  As you may be aware I have never figured out how to give up or surrender.  I just couldn't figure out how to stop living, waking up in the morning and going on with life.

For many years I dedicated myself to the service of other people, trying to help out where I could and take care of those that needed it.  I threw myself into trying to take care of everyone and being there to help others that were in need.  In other words I gave myself over to the service of others and I put their needs ahead of my own.  In a sense this worked to give me a purpose and I woke up daily to take care of those that I felt were less fortunate than me and who needed my help.  By focusing on their needs I was able to put my own to the back of my mind and focus totally on them.  This maybe the very reason why I am still with you today.  I selflessly dedicated myself to helping and taking care of others. I created a huge extended family and I struggled to take care of each and every person that I cared about.  This may seem crazy to you but I believe that by doing this I was able to live a much longer and fuller life than I normally would have.  I believe that my dedication to others is what helped me survive all the sickness and illness that plagued me through the years and helped give me the desired will to survive so that I could continue taking care of those that mattered to me.

Food for thought:  We are not able to chose our own family but we do have the ability to create and extended family that we can relate to and who is there to support us and nurture us and we offer similar support back in return.  Many of you are in my extended family and I am grateful to have each and every one of you in my life.

As I am looking back on the days that have gone by and I be extremely honest with myself we endured a lot and overcame so many hardships that bonded us together in ways that others just couldn't understand.  Despite that we are all separated by distance now and have scattered to the 4 winds.  Some of us still in Atlanta, others in California, Florida, Texas, Chicago and other places we are still a family and what brought us together is apart of us forever.  Our mutual experiences and the challenges that we faced and overcome together have bonded us in ways that make us irreplaceable in each others lives.  No one can take the place you hold in my heart ever and no one will ever be able to replace what you mean to me and how you are a part of me.  Each of us has left their mark on the other and that has helped shape us into the people that we have become.  I know that it might seem like I was complaining earlier about my life and the losses that I suffered and have endured but the truth is I wouldn't change any of it for the world because if I did I wouldn't be the same person that I am today and you wouldn't be in my life making me a better person.

I may not have learned how to take care of myself and learned how to live alone, but I learned something just as equally important.  I learned how to take care and appreciate others, I learned how personal sacrifice and dedication of the heart and spirit to the wellbeing of others is helpful to ourselves. If I hadn't I probably wouldn't be here today.  Many of you would have to visit my resting place and wouldn't be able to talk to me like you can today.  So let me thank you for helping me learn this lesson and for giving me the strength to carry on when all seemed so hopeless around me.  Understand and know that you are the life source that has kept me alive and healthy all of these years.

Now that I am looking toward the future and many of us have been scattered to the 4 corners of the earth I am struck by the over powering desire to reconcile all of my differences with everyone, to apologize for the wrongs that I have done and the sins that I may have committed against you.  I want to rekindle the relationships the friendships and bridge the hurts, the harsh words and bitter emotions that might be separating us. I want to be your friend again, and be able to count you as mine and for us to be there for one another because lets face it none of us are getting any younger. We are going to need each other and we once supported one another and will probably need to do it again as we move forward.

I was feeling melancholy when I started writing this entry into my blog, but I am feeling better now that I am drawing to a close.  My desire above all else is for us to all come together again in person.  I still have a dream that has been with me for a long time now.  In the future we are all of going to need a place to call home.  Many of you might remember us talking about and joking about me starting a retirement home, I used to call it Mommas Home for Wayward Homosexuals.  It is my dream to buy a huge mansion one day and bring all of us who know and love each other back together again and have our own place.  A place where everyone has a place there are no expectations, no recriminations and everyone can live out the rest of their lives in happiness and friendship, surrounded by love, light and happiness.  This is not an impossible dream or goal and might be something that we could all accomplish together.  Creating our own compound where we all live and work together to build a stronger and brighter future for ourselves and where each of us is able to live stress and debt free.

Please let's try and make my dream a reality.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Effecting Change

Today I sat on the computer and sprouted some heavenly epiphanies with everyone.  Just random thoughts that entered my head, they made a lot of sense and may have helped a couple of people, but the truth is that sometimes good thoughts come to me and I don't always put them down and when I do they are quickly read and forgotten on Facebook and other mediums.  I continue to write in my blog and every once in a while I will get a response and an email from someone encouraging me to keep writing, but the problem is that some of the things I talk about are repetitious, there are bits and pieces of lessons that are shared in one post that are referenced and brought up again another post.  I have been giving advice and writing in this blog since 2012 and I have repeated some of the lessons that I have learned multiple times.  Most of the time it is on purpose because I have this feeling come over me that someone is needing to hear that message right then and there and so I sit down at the computer and I begin writing.

2018 was supposed to be my year, because at the end of 2016 I lost the trailer and ended up on the streets and Dominic was arrested and I was on my own and I didn't have a clue what to do.  Luckily Miss Milly came into my life and let me come stay with her.  But, she ended up losing her place and we landed smack down on North Street in Daytona, and because of foolish decisions Dominic and I both got arrested the summer of 2017 and we ended up losing the house on North and Spruce.  Since then Dom and I have been on the street bouncing around and finally landing at Tattoo's house we started to get ourselves together then things started going crazy again and I ended up get robbed several times and everyone got really heavy into drug use.  Finally in December of 2017 I called my dad and I asked him to take me to my friends place in Jacksonville and I started over, I had invited Dominic to go with me, but he didn't want to and he asked me to stay with him and not leave him.  But thinking I knew best I took off and I got on my feet, only to have to rug pulled out from under me again when tragedy struck in Jacksonville, Demario passed away rather unexpectedly, he had been sick since late January early February but we were thinking that he would get well enough to travel home to Boston and get a full recovery.  But in May it all went wrong and before I knew it he was gone and things started getting crazy and I felt totally different.  Around that time I also found out the my dad and brother were both sick, I had finished chemotherapy for esophagus cancer and I was on the mend and thought it would be okay to head back to Daytona.

I should have known better from the moment I stepped into town the forces aligned against me and everyone who claimed to be my friend ended up trying to scam me and use me, they used guilt and against me and even took my car and left me stranded multiple times.  I got so sick while I was there and so many other things happened that I thought I would never be able to escape.  Luckily I was able to, I was able to finally get away and got out of the situation that I was in.  But, I didn't do it on my own, I had to have the help of a couple of friends, one who was kind enough to open her home to me and the other who was willing to help me get the bus ticket to get to my other friends house.  Both of them knew that I was strong enough to recover if I could just escape the influences that were holding me back and fighting for control of my life. You may think I am crazy but I am going to tell you that demons exist and are on the earth today in many different shapes and forms and they are great at possessing people and using them for their own gains.

This summer when I went back to Daytona, I took note of the evil that had taken control of my friends and how seemingly innocent actions had severe and extreme impacts on my life, how my kindness was turned against me and they would play on my feelings and insecurities to get me to do what they wanted.  But more importantly I began to realize that these weren't my friends anymore, these were individuals that had lost their identities and their life to drugs and the lifestyle that accompanies it.  I watched how each and everyone of them was actually homeless and was bouncing around from place to place, staying with friends or family and using everyone they came in contact with to get the next high or hit.  I also started to realize that it was designed as a trap to lure in people and lock them in.  I began to see a pattern develop that was consistent with other friends in other cities that were dealing with the same lifestyle and understood how we had all been fooled and possessed by a very powerful demon and how that demon feeds on our misery and homelessness and our discontentment.  How when I got away from those that were affected by this entity I felt better and stronger about myself and I could think clearly.

I also realized that none of us are willing to change until we get fed up and are tired of the struggle, when the despair and depression gets great enough it forces us to think about ourselves and helps us break free from the hold of the demon.  I am seeing how others that are finally getting clean and joining the ranks of sobriety are feeling and they have shown me that it is possible to end it's hold over us and move forward and get ourselves together and clean up our lives.  Many times in order to accomplish this task it means getting away from those that are still under the influence and out of the area where that influence is the strongest.  I called it in one of my older posts changing your venue and friends. You have to get away and consciously decide that you deserve better and want better for yourself and that you are tired of struggling and fighting a loosing battle.  You are fed up with people stealing from you and using you for their own selfish games.  Believe me it is entirely possible to get yourself off the street and recover everything that you have lost.  But in order to do that you have to surrender your use of the drugs and stand up and decide that you have had enough and you can't stand to be treated that way anymore, that you are worth more, deserve more and then demand more from yourself and everyone around you.  They are going to be against your change, they are going to want to pull you back to your usage, they aren't going to offer you support or help, because they are fully under the control of the substance and the demon, and they want you to be in misery just like them.

Yet, once you get away from the influence and you are off the drug for awhile you will start to feel better and be able to think more clearly.  Then things will start to get a little easier, it will take some time, you didn't start doing drugs over night and you will not stop over night, it is a process and a daily struggle.  I will admit that I sometimes have feelings of wanting to go back and do it again, but then I see how far I have come and what I have to lose by going back and I am not willing to sacrifice anything that I have gained for the minute of a high and then those terrible hours of regretting what I had done.  I learned my lesson this time when I went back to Daytona, I saw exactly the cost and the toll that my dependence cost me. But, because I had the strength to do it once, I was strong enough to be able to do it all over again this time.  My bounce back and recovery was much faster than the first attempt.  It took me 4 months to get back on my feet when I left Daytona for Jacksonville, this time it took me less than a month. I was able to clean up my bank account, clear up my debt, get my cell phones back and the lines caught up.  I was able to get a computer, laptop, Ipad, android tablet and a Macbook laptop, a brand new bed and a new clothes and shoes.  If I can do it and all it took was me to turn and walk away from those that were trying to hold me back and I surrendered my dependence on the drug and went sober (cold turkey), you can do it too.

I am telling you that you have the power to effect change in your life, you can accomplish anything that you want, it is all possible and within your grip.  First you must recognize you have a problem, you have to have reached a point in your life where you unhappiness outweighs your need for the drug, you have reached a point where you are tired of being stolen from and broke, you are tired of not having your own things and depending on others, and you are tired of having to struggle every day just so that you have food to eat and a place to lay your head.  Once you have gotten there everything else is cake and all you need to do is walk away, start over and make the change for yourself. Unfortunately, this is a solitary journey and unless your partner or friend is willing to make the same changes you are they may end up getting left behind.  I know it is hard and almost impossible to do, I thought I was going to fail because it was so hard leaving Dominic behind after spending 4 years of my life with him, but I did it, and I am still doing it.  I have offered to bring him with me, to move anywhere in the country that he wants to move, on the condition that he is ready to walk away from the drugs and is ready to start living instead of existing.  He hasn't gotten there yet, maybe he will never get there, but I know that one day the demons hold over him is going to weaken and when it does it will be his chance to get through this and move on to something better in life than what he has right now.

They tell me that I was always a go getter and when I was younger I would go after things I wanted and rarely would I come back empty handed.  I put myself through college, got my bachelors and masters degrees and my first job with the state just because I wanted to.  I had the drive and the ambition to succeed and that is exactly what I did.  Then cancer came back into my life and I lost myself for a very long time. I turned to drugs to help myself cope with my limitations and disfigurement of my body.  The drugs made it easier to have sex and helped me deal with the pain a little better, but for that temporary relief I relinquished my freedom, my will and lost myself in a world where I fell into a pattern of use and abuse and it would continue for years and I thought it was an acceptable trade, but somewhere along the line it got more of hassle to get high, I no longer felt the joy or the rush of the drug and I only felt disappointment and regret and let down because I stopped finding the sex and the joy that I used to have when I would shoot up or smoke, somehow I lost the magic and all I was left with was the drudgery and the loss that my addiction brought me.  I was constantly struggling to replace those things that were stolen, and I ended up losing my roof and my independence and became homeless and despondent.

You are a powerful being, God gave you a powerful mind, a living computer capable of restoring and functioning when tragedy and illness hit you.  It is so powerful that it can alter your perceptions and change your reality.  Take back the control of your life, exorcise your demons, strive for sobriety, set your mind to doing and discovering new things and become an achiever a go-getter and make a change in your life.  You have the ability to come back from where you are at, you are stronger than you know and you have been given and extraordinary power to change your environment for the better, you just have to regain control of your life and reality. Attain what is right in front of you and consciously choose to change your life and you will succeed.  Effecting change in your life will affect everything and everyone around you and you will become an inspiration for others to follow.  Lead by example and triumph over that which has held you down and back from everything you ever wanted.

Trust me if I can do it, SO CAN YOU! God gave you free will so use it! Exercise it today and Exorcise your Demon and leave it powerless behind you.  Let it feed on someone else's misery and pain.  You deserve so much better, and trust me you will be so much stronger because you have lived through it and survived.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you!
Uncle B

Rebuilding from the past

When I first moved to Florida I came with nothing except the clothes on my back, literally.  I had on a t-shirt and a pair of sweat pants and nothing else except a broken cell phone.  During my first 8 months I experienced some setback such as going into the hospital literally 2 days after I got here.  I was in there for 14 days because my colon ruptured in 2 places while I was in there.  However, I was able to make a recovery, get a job and was able to get clothes that I needed and I was able to purchase things that I wanted along the way.  I got a job, bought a car, and got my own place on top of all of those things.  I can't say that I was happy but it didn't take me long to get furniture.  Luckily there was a place called Our Father's Closet not too far from my house that gave me a sofa bed, and some other items like a coffee table, end tables and a lamp.  I got a TV from a pawn shop and I was on my way.  Over the past 6 years or so I ended up loosing several places where I had lived, ended up homeless and most of my stuff ended up in storage units from Florida to Pennsylvania, which I had successfully kept up with till last summer when I had an unfortunate run in with the law.

I was on the street literally from July till December.  When a friend of mine reached out and opened up his home to me and allowed me to come and stay with him and his partner.  I am extremely grateful to Travis and Demario for allowing me to come into their home.  Life hasn't been kind to me if the truth is to be told.  Most of you already know from reading and following my blog that I have several medical issues and the list seems to be growing longer each passing month.  However, the month of February I took the time for myself and I started rebuilding all of the things that I had lost over the past several years.  This month I took money and bought myself a TV and I also got myself a computer and a printer.  I even purchased a tablet, however, my mother being in a similar situation to mine health wise, I have decided that I am going to send her the tablet that I have bought and wait for a little bit and before I buy another tablet.  It might take me some time but I know that with all the trips to the doctors and labs that need to be done that I am going to continue to be busy till I can get all of these surgeries done and over with that they are saying that I am needing.

I started going to pain management and I am finding that the medication that they have me on now isn't really helping me all that much.  I seem to be taking more and more just to get through the day with out any pain.  So I expressed interest in getting on Medical Marijuana but currently at the price point that they are charging here in Florida it really puts it out of my reach.  I am not sure what I am going to do.  I am pretty sure that my friends aren't going to want me staying with them forever, and I am sure that it would be better to get out on my own.  But, with only being here a few months I am still not sure of my way around.  My friend Travis grew up here and is very familiar with the area so I rely on him pretty heavily.  I just fear that I am getting on their nerves and making them uncomfortable in their own home.

I have been here exactly 2 1/2 months and I am hoping that in the next 2 or so that I will have enough money saved up that I might be able to get out on my own.  However, this is something that I am trying to work on.  Though with every turn something seems to come up and I end up spending money that I wasn't planning on.  My mother's cell phone died totally and wouldn't turn on at all.  This was a necessary expense and I was glad I was in a position to get her a new one.  But since I have been here I have been running into all sorts of obstacles.  Like the UF Health here in Jacksonville is not in my network but the one in Gainesville is.  I am frustrated by this.  I am also having trouble with Ryan White here, for the past 7 years they have been paying my copays to the VA and here in Jacksonville they won't.  I am not sure what I should do and starting next month the VA is going to start garnishing my check.  Further, my partner had me bail him out of jail and then missed court. So now the bondsman is coming after me for the 3000.00 so that is going to end up coming out of my check.

So it seems for every step that I take forward, I end up falling 20 steps behind. I am not sure if I am going to recover from this fiasco altogether.  I figure that during this time when I have the little extra funds available to me that I should purchase the things that I want and need before all the garnishments hit my Social Security check.  That way when they do come I will not be needing things, I will have already built them up from.  My next big expenditure is going to be the installation of my own internet here at the house that way I don't have to rely on my friends totally for everything.  Sometimes I just feel like they think that I am trying to take advantage of their kindness and I don't want to overstep my bounds.

Overall, I am feeling great about the accomplishments that I have made since I have been here and the change of environment and scenery have really helped me maintain focus towards furthering my goal.  My big thing is that I am really trying to fit in and at times I feel like I am keeping my friends from the things that they are needing to do because they are worried about me.  Over the next month or two I am hoping that I will have either saved enough money to get a vehicle or a place of my own.  That way they won't think that I am wasting my money on things and not making sure that they are taken care of.  I also need to figure out how to work around my direct deposit issues with the credit union that I am a member of.  I like the fact that I can transfer funds directly from my checking account directly onto my credit card and not have to worry about incurring an fees or late charges.

That is another thing that I have accomplished. I was able to get myself 2 credit cards.  I am hoping that I will be able to begin rebuilding my credit and work towards getting myself totally back on my feet.

Right now I am worried about my upcoming appointment with the neurosurgeon I am waiting to see what type of treatment he is going to recommend. At this point I have had 3 MRIs and I have to schedule a PET scan tomorrow.  I am struggling to keep up with all of my appointments and getting to and from them conveniently.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I set out on rebuilding my life from the remnants of my past.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,




Uncle B

Checks and balances

Most actions and decisions have severe consequences these are the checks and balances that keep our lives in check.

However, there are some actions that can call for jail time. I am going through a really tough time right now and I am not sure what the outcome is going to be. I made a bad choice and I am now between a rock and a hard place.

This afternoon a detective came to the house to talk to me about a check that I cashed at Amscot. Unfortunately, I didn't want to get anyone in trouble so I only told part of the story. I know that the detective could tell that the story wasn't complete and he thought that I was lying about a lot of the story. I did have to drop a name, but I was trying to protect everyone, what I might have done is seal my own fate and could possibly end up having to do some time in jail.

I was given 2 days to get one of the other people to talk to the detective and to reveal more of the details to the story to convince the detective that I had absolutely nothing to do with the robbery and that I was used as a dupe to cash the check. Luckily I did not cash more than one check. If I would have I would be in so much more trouble than I am now.

I am here to tell you that no matter what you do, there are natural checks and balances in place that keep our lives in check and helps preserve the natural order of things. I am hoping that with all of my medical issues and other concerns that the court will be willing to work with me and allow me to escape this charge with the absolute minimum consequence.

As always, Live well, Love much and laugh often.

Uncle B

Reflections of the past

Sometimes I sit and ponder the what if's and could have been's  of my life.  I wonder where I would be had I not made some of the choices that I did.  Would I still be working for the State of Georgia, would Joe and I still be together, and would we still have the vending machine business, the house in Snellville and the cabin in Blue Ridge?

These reflections aren't painful now, but were once, I have learned so much from the time I left Florida and moved to Atlanta.  I found out that you can't change your life for another person, because in the long run they aren't going to appreciate it.  They are going to do something foolish and the next thing you know so are you.   Had Joe never started smoking Meth, and me getting involved in the whole thing, my life would have been totally different.

I wouldn't have met some of the people that I have along the way.  I wouldn't have gotten to experience all the different things that life showed me when I was living on Buford highway and again when I moved back to East Point. Nor would the brief stay in Dallas have marred my relationship with Victoria.

See, I know where my life veered off course, and I can see the issues that it caused.  I am no longer sad, because at least I did those things, experienced them and had some fun along the way.  I am sorry that Joe and Victoria got hurt, and that in my cavalier attempt to solve the problems, I found that running away to be the expedient answer.  I am older now and I look back and I see the image of the man I was and the person I am today, and I am a totally different person, living in a totally different world. I am still on the fringes of the old drug infested life, but I feel the change in the wind and I know that I am going to be carried away in a different direction.

I know in my heart that I am not young anymore, that there are limitations to my physical abilities, but they have not changed much in 10 years, so what am I bemoaning about, what is the problem that is holding me steadfast to the past.  Why can't I let the past rest in peace and overcome this obstacle?the answer seems to be me!

It is doubt my friend, doubt keeps you locked in place, freezes your steps and won't let you make a move.  Fear is also a factor, what if I fail and what will happen to me then? These are the troubled thoughts that clog your mind and keep you from action and change.  It is what keeps you in that dark place and keeps the light from clearing it all away.  As I said in my last entry that I have had patches of light in my darkness, but I see clearly that I could move forward if I just let go of the past.  Forget where I have been and let go of the fears that are holding me captive.

I look in the mirror and I see a shadow of the person I used to be. A shell, a caricature.  I used to be a powerhouse, a go-getter.  When I set my mind to a task or wanted something I went out and did it. I had no fear, I was confident and sure in my knowledge and grabbed what I want.  Now, time has caught me, I am older, handicapped, different than I used to be.  I have had the colostomies, I have had so many surgeries and injuries and hospital stays, that I fear I will never find someone who could or would accept me the way I am in the gay community.

I am afraid that I will die alone, a very lonely and painful death. Unloved and not mourned by anyone other than my family and close friends.  See, I know the gay community, I know that they look for the perfect man, they want the washboard abs, the bulging peck muscles, the young stallions, not someone old and frail like me.  So, I keep looking to my past to the ones that have loved me before that know my illness and what I have been through, hoping desperately that one would come back into my life.

Yet, I know that isn't likely to happen. I know that the problems of the past that caused us to break up will most likely still be an issue once more.  So I am in a catch 22 sort of situation. But I am starting to finally come to terms with my life and what it has become. I am starting to finally become comfortable with my body, and the limitations it has.  I think that I may even be ready to take a baby step forward.  We shall see mon a'mi!

Looking backwards into the past will keep you wondering and wandering in the darkness, it will keep you locked into your doubts, and can lead to depression and despair.  Please don't let your fears keep you in place.  Don't be like me and waste so much of your life clinging to the baggage of the past that you forget to live in the moment.

A reflection doesn't always reveal the truth, you have to look closer.  I have said that I see a dim shadow of the man I was. But the secret to all of this is that I still see him, and if I see him, I can still be him.  I just need to get my confidence and courage and move forward.  I have to let go totally of the past and move on.  Was I happy in the past? Oh, definitely at times! Yet, there were times when I was saddened.  Reflections are only 2 dimensional they aren't the total picture.

Don't let your reflection and the face staring back at you hold you in your past. Release it, let it go, live in the moment.  Enjoy the vibrant color and texture of life. See how much more fun and relaxed you will be when you are just living in the moment.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

When you make time still

Last night we talked about how life comes out of darkness and from strife comes change.  I wanted to talk to you more about darkness and moments in our lives when we need to sit back and reflect.  Each of us comes to a point in our lives when we look back over our life and are disheartened by where we are at.  Most of the time this comes when we are down and are trying to figure out which way we have to go.  Darkness has descended on our lives and our emotions are all embroiled.  I reflect back and I look at where I am today and I am saddened because I sometimes feel like I have been a complete failure.  My father said once that Bryan look at your life and what you have lost, you are 46 years old and you should know better.  You cannot help everyone, some people don't want saving, and they just want to take advantage of you and your kindness. You should be so much more secure in your life and situation.  FAILURE is what that message screamed to me, making me feel even worse about myself and the my life.

See, I never thought that at 46 I would be living back at my dad's struggling to get back on my feet and to turn my life around.  If you look back at where I have been and what I had you will begin to realize that my life wasn't so bad.  But from my current vantage point it is just so much easier to see where I am and not where I have been.  Yes, I miss my home, my cars, my friends, my old life, but the loss was not of my own doing.  I had some fault in the matter, but illness took the center stage in my life and rewrote my story.  This can happen to anyone, no matter where you are at in life and what you have achieved, illness can come in and with a wide sweeping reach can take everything away in a blink.  I have been going through a very dark place for a very long time, and it will never be over.  What I look forward to is the bits of light that break through that darkness and for a little bit light my path.  In other words, from 2005 till now I have been in and out of hospitals constantly and have been fighting for my life. I have been sick and there doesn't seem to be an end to this in sight. Yet, there have been spots in this turmoil where I have met friends, partners and lovers, that have made life bearable.

During those times of darkness and when the doubt and despair creep in, I need to take the time to reflect and make time stand still. I need to look back at my life and see the whole thing. See the bigger picture.  See, it isn't where I am at that is important. No, it was the journey that brought me here.  It is what has molded me, crafted me and made me into the person I am today.  When I look at all I have done, been and accomplished my life doesn't seem so bleak at all.  As a matter of fact my life starts looking to like a plot to a movie or a great fast paced book.  I have had such a colorful past, many interesting friends and have been into so many things and through so much drama that you would think that I couldn't have possibly lived like that.  Trust me, anyone that knows me can tell you that I have had a very blessed and magical life.  So,  when I take the time to actually reflect and see the entire picture the story doesn't seem so hopeless or tragic, on the contrary it starts to look pretty darn good.

In our darkest times and we are stuck without light I believe that there comes a point just before the light crests the horizon that we come to terms with whatever it is that we are going through and just at the perfect precise moment that all things seem possible to us.  Like life is renewing itself and everything starts to seem right again in the world.  Now, you might be wonder what in the world am I talking about.  If you remember back to an article I wrote in 2012 I told you that there are no perfect moments in our lives, that time waits for no one and we have to create those special moments by doing little things to make those moments memorable forever.  It is my belief that during our trials, tribulations and pain, there comes a single moment when we have made a decision to change and have started to take steps on that new path that a moment of clarity comes to us and we know that what we are doing is possible.

This is just another point in my discussion that strengthens my argument that out of darkness comes life.  That the strife that we face in life (darkness) is the catalyst for change. During our journey through that time of darkness there comes a moment in our thought process where we begin to look for answers and an escape from the trouble that is hounding us.  I believe that when we sit back and reflect on our lives, and see the journey and the destinations we have had along the way we make time still and our mind calms and we can see all the possible solutions to our situation.

Just keep this in mind that everything changes, and you have to too in order to evolve. Nothing last forever, and in the darkness everything seems possible at some points.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Real man in a relationship

A friend of mine had posted this in our group and I thought I would share it with you because I believe there is great truth in this young man's words and thoughts. Thank you Ely for letting me share your wisdom!

"A real man treats his partner like a priority, not an option. A real man shows his love through his everyday actions. And a real man doesn't have to be reminded..."
‪#‎ely‬

I have to say Amen to that because he is preaching to the choir here.  I have been trying to tell people this sentiment but I have never had it broken down to me in such a way.  This is truly a young man who has an old soul and a wisdom way beyond his years.  

You can and You will succeed

Let me tell you a little story about my mom.  Last Easter she was finally able to return to her home after spending 9 long months in a nursing home.  She had every reason to doubt that she would ever leave that nursing home.  The doctors, physical therapists and nurses all told my mother the same thing.  That she would never be able to walk again, that she would spend the rest of her life in that wheelchair.  But, my mother is a woman of prayer and has faith in God and continually prayed for healing and respite.  Over those 9 months she showed great progress but still no one ever thought that she would be able to walk again, and that she wouldn't be able to adjust to this new life that she found herself in.

Now, she had ever right to become depressed and despondent. She was all alone in Pennsylvania and stuck in a nursing home without any visitors except maybe the pastor and his wife,  but because the pastor also works full-time visits were few and even sometimes rare.  My mother told me that each phone call I made to her while she was in there was like having a visit or someone actually coming in to see you.  It broke the monotony of the day and switched up the routine.  I also know this from my own recent incursion at a local nursing home for rehabilitation.

Both, my mother and I had infections that attacked our back and spinal column.  Her's was much worse than mine, she actually developed a huge abscess that actually ruptured and spilled out into her system.  After 9 or 10 hours of washing and cleansing that internal sore out an accident occurred and the nerve endings to her lower body were cut.  She was told as I have stated that she would be paralyzed and in that wheel chair forever.  I was told something very similar during my stay in the rehab center.  Yet, as of today I am walking free and clear without having to rely on a walker or a cane.  My mother called me this evening and told me that she actually got a cart at the grocery store and was able to walk the entire store without any assistance or aid. The wheel chair was left in the car and she did it on her own.

 Both my mother and me have great testimonies that we could share with you and in most cases I have shared mine with you.  But the reason why I am bringing this up tonight is that I feel the need to remind not only myself but you as well that no matter what the situation, disaster, illness, or disability befalls us.  if there is a Will there is a Way!

If you truly believe that you can do something you will be able to do it.  The mind is a very powerful thing, and if we have a need and a desire we can accomplish anything.  Remember that it is always darkest before the dawn.  Which means the hardest part is yet to come but we can see the light and we know that once we reach it everything will be alright.  I remind myself daily that nothing is permanent in this world and that everything passes.  My grandmother used to tell me "This too shall pass wait and see".  You know she was right!

Since 2012 I have been writing in this blog and I have been laying my life out in the open for anyone to see.  I don't think that it is wrong for me to do this because I have gone through so many things that I believe that someone out there is or has gone through some situation that has been or is similar to what I went through and if my experience can help them through in some way then my sharing was all for the better.  As many of you know I have been diagnosed with 6 separate terminal illnesses, yet I carry forward like nothing is wrong. People tell me that it is because I am strong and have a positive nature and outlook.  But honestly, I believe that 90% is prayer and 10% is believing that my prayers are being answered daily.

I have become so in-tuned and in-touch with God that I see and experience miracles everyday. Example, 2 weeks ago I was ordered by the court to attend a drug and alcohol screening to see if I needed to go through some classes to help me deal with addiction.  This was a mandatory condition of my probation and something that my probation officer set up for me.  I had to meet with this counselor and pay $20 and let her evaluate and scrutinize every part of my life. But, as I was sitting there talking with the lady something miraculous happened, I felt a peace come over me and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Spirit of the Lord had come into the room and that I wasn't going to have to do any classes.  As a matter of fact we talked for a bit longer and she asked me to look at her computer and fix it.  Guess, what I did and for the time I spent working on her computer she paid me $20.

This was a tremendous blessing because that was my last $20 that I had and it was still several days till I got my next check.  But, as I have always told you.  You never know where a casual conversation is going to lead you.  By taking my time and actually opening up to this counselor and telling her the absolute truth about my drug usage a miracle was performed.  I knew that there was no sense to lie to her she had access to my entire record so she would have know if I was lying.  Plus, it was easier to talk with her once I told her why should I lie, I would only get caught and she agreed with me.  From that meeting she has contact the organization that I am a member of the Positive Champions Speakers Bureau and has asked for one our speakers to come in and talk to her groups to teach them all about HIV, AIDS and awareness.

You may be wondering why I am telling you all of this, and it is because I want you to know that you can and will succeed at every endeavor that is thrown your way and every obstacle that is in your path, and why do you think that is? Because if you "can conceive it and believe it you will achieve it." For every storm there is a lull or an eye it is when it seems to lighten up a bit and you have a temporary respite from the weather, but there is still more to come and you need to brace yourself for it. Always look for the light at the end of the tunnel, the silver lining in the clouds, Light dispels the darkness, chases away the shadows, and will eat away at the doubts and depression that are filling your mind.  It is that speck of light in the distance that gives you hope, and pulls you ever onward toward it. Once you see that light you know you are almost home free and that you have made it through. It is not always easy to see the light at the end of the tunnel and those storm clouds can be mighty dark. Just keep in mind what my grandmother used to tell me this too shall pass.  Trust me it will.  Nothing last forever!

The point I am trying to make here is that there is nothing that you cannot overcome. Nothing has permanence in this life and time keeps marching on so if you have the will and the drive you can over come any obstacle that life has in store for you. Just keep in mind that if you keep a positive outlook on life, then the storms and hardships aren't too hard for you to weather, because the negativity just rolls off you like water.

If you don't believe me in this look at my mother's story and tell me that her continued improvement and victories were because she had the will to overcome and she didn't let depression and negativity hold her down. She knew what she wanted and she did what she had to to accomplish that.  that is all I want for each and everyone of you.  To set your mind to a task and own it.  Set you will on it and make it your own because you can and you will succeed.

I am proud of the accomplishments my mother has made and it makes me feel good that she has progressed so far in such a short time. I am also proud of the strides I have made in my own personal life and health, because I know that when the physical therapist told me that I would never get out of that wheel chair, I just had to prove her wrong and I did everything I could to get myself out of that chair and I am so glad that I did.  It taught me that if there is a will and a want you can accomplish it no matter what the obstacles are.

Take each day one at a time.  Put your mind to a task and just do it. It might surprise you at what you can accomplish just by putting your mind to it.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

-Uncle B

Words are just words without any action to support them?

What I mean by this is you tell me something that you want me to believe you need to have performed some kind of action to support the deed that you are telling me about.  It is so easy for us to lie to ourselves and even easier to lie to one another. Take it a different way, you tell me exactly what you think I want to hear and I am suppose to believe you on the basis of your statement.  However, how can I believe what you are telling me when I know you.  I have been around you and I know your actions and reactions to certain situations.  As a friend we learn each others habits, tricks and faces, and when someone tries to get over on you, The first thing that comes to mind is it's all a lie.

The phrase keeps coming to mind "Actions speak louder than words" and that is a universal truth.  The Bible even states that God helps those that helps themselves.  In order for us to show our sincerity we have to be able to show actionable proof that we did something, that we accomplished something and that we aren't just full of bull.  I know it is so easy to fall into a pattern of telling others what we think they want to hear, but we are just fooling ourselves, the other person knows we are full of it and that we didn't  do what we are claiming.

It is so important more now than ever to be true to yourself. By this I mean you have to be brutally honest with yourself. You have to practice every day speaking the truth and only the truth.  If you can master that then you are on the right track.  Your deeds and your words will reflect one another and you become a person of integrity.  See integrity is something that is so important today, money is scarce, jobs are hard to find and we are all struggling in some way or another. If you are a person of integrity you live as you preach. You are a man or woman of your word.  Nothing can persuade you from that path.  It is important for others to know that they can trust and count on you and that is the other part of integrity.

So let me break this down to you. Integrity is practicing what we preach, being 100 percent honest with ourselves and others, as well as being someone that another person can count on and trust in. There are too many people out there that are living in half truths and lies and they are expecting the rest of the world to believe them and the lies that they are selling. These are the people that you need to avoid and keep out of your life.  You are here to make a change. To be better than you were and are, and in order to do this you must remain positive, faithful and truthful.  The old adage is 100 percent dead on when they say " The Truth Shall Set You Free ".  Try it I am sure you are going to get used to it.

That's right I believe that each and everyone of us needs to work on this issue. That we need to train ourselves and make ourselves be truthful not only to others but to ourselves as well.  It is the nature of a man to tell a lie than to risk hurting another's feelings.  I know this to be true because I catch myself at this all the time and I have to remember. That I would rather someone be 100 percent honest to my face and give me 15 minutes of pain, than for me to find out the truth from someone else the truth, because my pain is going to be so much worse having to find out the truth from another source.  My trust will be broken with you and once trust is broken it is so hard to build back.

What am I trying to ell you in this entry? Exactly what I said at the beginning words are just words.  Words can be used for communication, they can be used to build someone or something up, they can be used to hurt, maim or injure another.  But, words are just that without any action behind them. As I have told you before, the worst wounds that another can inflict are wounds caused by words.  Words that are spoken in anger, haste, or to tear down or degrade another person are words that cause wounds that will never heal.  Trust will be lost, hope, faith, and even self-confidence can be ultimately destroyed by the words another inflicts upon you.

Yet, I have been saying that words without action are just words and that is true. However, using words to wound are words in action, you are openly telling someone something about another, or you are taking something that was given to you in trust and throwing back at the person who entrusted you and that is both deed and action combined.  Why am I telling you this? Is this something that is important?  I believe it is!  Unintentionally I believe that someone has maligned my character, said stuff about me to get others to think about me a certain way.  Now they know that they are lying  but again they are trying to please another so they say hurtful and untruthful things.

An example of this recently came into my life through a bitter conversation with another person. This person claimed that because of my illness and surgeries that my anus was sown shut and that I couldn't have sex that way,  Now I know that this was said to hurt me and make me feel bad about myself, but here is the rub. I don't have to respond or acknowledge that attack because I know and understand the truth of the situation.  However, for arguments sake I will clarify my situation.  In the past I have had a bowel resection this is where a part of the intestine is removed the two remaining parts are then fused back together.  This causes a stricture or a narrowing of the walls,  Over time this narrowing becomes harder to relax and open because of scare tissue.  So the truth of the matter is this I can have sex that way.  But in order to relax those muscles sufficiently takes time and effort.  It is not impossible at all. So you see where I am going with this?  The attack on me was unfounded and was not grounded in truth, so I didn't get angry at the situation, but I knew where the faulty information came from immediately and it saddened me that they had to lie about me to make themselves feel better about themselves.

When ever someone comes at you with words, take a few minutes before responding and actually think about your response, you will find that if you do this, it will unbalance the conversation and it will allow you to reveal the truth and your actions and words will demonstrate union where the other person will not be able substantiate what they have said.

Be careful with words, especially around children.  Words are powerful and can do great things or cause great harm.  Always remember that if you are true to yourself and honest with yourself you will be the same with everyone else.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

-Uncle B

46 and counting! What a blessing!

That's right another year has passed and I am still here.  Not for my lack of trying you understand.  Life has also been playing havoc with me this year, as most of you know.  But, as a person who thought I would never get here I am happy and blessed to still be alive.  I mean that with sincerity, I look back across the year and I am amazed at what I have seen and what I have been through. Yet, I am saddened by the loss of some very important people. Along the way as I was growing and learning to live, I lost some very important people too me.  I never once thought that I would live the life that I have, prince, pauper and scholar.  But here I am.  I miss you Mike a lot sometimes, but it was you who opened my eyes to a world outside of Orlando and gave me the champagne taste that I have.  If it wasn't for you I wouldn't have met Chris or John, let alone learned how to run a business and survive.  All those years ago running around the Parliament House in Orlando I never thought I would be here without you.  But, as I so dearly know HIV and AIDS doesn't care who you are or how much money you have, it strikes where it wills and we are left to pick up the pieces.

Glenn my dear friend and bowling partner, how unexpected your departure from my life was, if it wasn't for you I don't know if I would have had the courage or the strength to leave Joe.  But, watching how you dealt with a nearly similar situation with Kevin and helping you extricate yourself from him gave me the strength and the courage to go out and meet other people.  You were so kind and loving and too young to die, and it was hard cleaning out your stuff from your condo and dealing with your parents.  Not to mention Kevin trying to bully me around and take the last things you had given me.  I am truly sorry my friend that I lost your class ring.  Though it was my honor to be able to plan, host and bring together everyone you knew to remember you.  I gave Miss MacIntyre your Scooby Doo bowling ball and for 4 years I had a memorial put up for you at the bowling alley.

There are so many others that have come through my life and they are no longer with me, either by choice of their own or not.  But, I have to tell you that each and everyone helped mold me, groom me, temper me and eventually inspired me to be the person I am today.  Mike, Joe, Matt, Shawn, Polo, Mike, Glenn, Shane. But,say I also want to thank you to those that are still in my life, whether full time or part time you too have contributed greatly Dawn, Emily, John, Chris, Sterling, V.J., Kerry, Mike, Bobby, Kodi, Johnathan, and the other Bobby, Andy (AJ) when we dated.  Plus, all my friends from high school and the navy that I have reconnected again using social media like Facebook. Each and everyone of you helped me develop in someway, you all helped put my feet on the path that I am on. Believe it or not, for good or bad I have stormed the beach, walked the shore lost at first, saw the light and made it through.  Thank you for coming along on the journey with me.  Though as I was doing my walk, I know you were doing your and yet I am so glad for the interactions that we have had.

This year is a big year, 30 was nothing I didn't even really feel it.  Life didn't change up until 40 and then all hell broke loose and everything went south, health-wise that is.  But this year I have finally left youth behind and have crossed that line into middle age.  I wonder what is in-store for me, but not that eager to peak, this isn't like Christmas or birthday presents, I would look for when younger.  No, I have no interest to peal back the edge and peek.  I want to be surprised and marvel in the wonder.  A new chapter is starting for me and I am eager to meet the supporting cast and meet new characters.  I am almost positive that this one is going to have a happy ending.  I have made many wrong choices if you ask my mom or dad, but they don't see that I am not seeing things from their perspective.  Choices made, consequences faced, a life less boring and a story worth repeating.  What can you say to the man who has done it all?

If you have been reading my blog and hanging with me you have to admit there are some colorful characters, beautiful scenery, great imagery, lots of mishaps and adventures to boot, my life has been anything but boring.  Maybe not as glamorous as a Pop star or A-list movie star but I have made my mark on where it counts on people, places and friends.  Those who truly know me, will never forget me.  Everybody likes to tell me that I am a great guy, smart, funny, attractive and wonderful to be around.  They will tell you that I am always upbeat, positive and downright perky.  To a certain extent I can see it because nothing ever holds me down for long, and thanks to the two mention at the beginning Mike and Glenn I absolutely learned how to get what I want and to work hard and achieve my desires.  I forgot that for a few years, but my best friend of over 25 years, John G, reminded me recently that the strong, motivated, outgoing person, the leader, achiever, was missing.  He wanted to know desperately where I had gone, how had I lost myself and was that person coming back?

I honestly didn't know when he asked me those things.  I had lost myself somewhere along the journey and I was consumed and devoted to someone else and I had no inkling of self left.  But, then I realized that I wasn't happy that way, that I needed to free myself from these things, I needed to stop merely existing and I needed to start living again. So, I left a 12 year relationship behind and I started on a journey of self rediscovery, introspection and growth.  But, without even realizing it a few years later I allowed myself to get wrapped up in another person, and submerge myself into him, dedicate all I did and wanted to do into his happiness and well being, unfortunately it wasn't returned. As I said I didn't even realize it until Kerry left me and it became all too clear I had allowed myself to disappear again. Yet, what is worse of all is that he was gone and I still was lost, I was clinging to the hope that he would return and until the day before my birthday I was still wrapped up in the man.. As fate would have it that all changed in a blink of an eye.  Larry a new found friend, someone that Kerry knew came into my life and I began to see that there was more to me.  I was emerging and really being seen.  I wasn't invisible anymore or a part of Kerry, I was me, I had an identity, worth and believe it or not value.

As the veil was lifted from my sight and I saw how little Kerry had valued not only my friendship but our relationship I knew I had made the right choice finally, that it was over and I was truly free. I was liberated in that moment and I felt so good and happiness came back into my life, I was able to sing again and the words returned to my mind that wouldn't stop and my writing began again. I was no longer an emotional prisoner of Kerry's and I was free, and you know what broke me out of the hold that I was under, finding out that yet once again Kerry had lied to another person or persons claiming to have never been in a relationship with me.  As soon as I realized that he didn't love me, probably never did, it became very easy to see that person standing in the mirror looking back at me.  I was taken aback a little bit by my reflection, never once before did I notice the deathly pallor of my skin, the terrible amount of weight I had lost, or the new amount of gray that had seeped into my hair.

Healer, spiritualist and mystics claim that all illness is is an imbalance in our bodies or lives, that if we find the cause life will begin to turn around for us, the sickness will go away and our health will return.  I have to tell you something there really truly might be something to all of that. Because the day that the light bulb came on for me so to speak, I have seen some very stark, dramatic and even drastic changes in my appearance.  For one thing I am not pale anymore, I have even gained a pound, I  feel full of energy and life and honestly the pain seems to be getting more bearable. Who would have thought that burying oneself in a relationship and devoting themselves to a partner could or would have such a dramatic impact on our health, wealth and happiness? Not me surely, but  I am living proof that it can and does.

So why is 46 such a blessing other than I have gotten my true self back as well as my own individuality, but I have been truly and remarkably touch and healed through faith, pray and God.  I have had an awesome journey up till this point with some truly terrific characters and supporting cast come in and out of my life.  Whose touch and inspiration has greatly impacted me and made me truly favored. I miss a lot of them, and I can't wait to see who is up next.  Life is short my friends and we never know how or when it is going to end.  Let me tell you I will probably be singing and writing when it happens.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

To live quietly and walk with confidence will take you further in life

When I talk about living quietly I mean letting your actions be your voice, lead by example.  I know we have talked about lies, truth, integrity.  But what about your actions, how are they interpreted by those who observe them?  Honestly the old adage actions speaks louder than words is so accurate it isn't funny.  Every day I strive to live by my word and let my actions show my affection and love.  Many people aren't used to that so they don't know how to take me.  Yet, it is the way I think is effective in demonstrating that you practice what you preach.

When you are confident about yourself there is an air around you that others notice and are drawn too.  Almost like there is an energy field around you and your quiet confidence and sureness lends authority to your manner.  You demonstrate through actions that you know what you are doing and that you are firm.  Living this way will impress everyone around you.  They are going to want to be like you and envy you.  But it isn't all about that.  What it is about is that those who see you know immediately that they can trust you, that you aren't going to let them down.  You have a certain gleam in your eyes, you are not over ambitious or one that is going to pull the wool over their eyes.  You are truly a man of integrity and someone that others can look up to and emulate.

Think about it, I am sure you have seen a very confident person, a person who has everything going for them. They are positive, outgoing and receptive to new ideas and things.  They are people persons, those who go out of their way to show that they care about themselves and others.  These are the people that are soon moved into leadership positions and can command the attention of a room just by walking into it. The don't demonstrate fear, they show understanding and compassion as well as learning.  Usually they are accomplished and intelligent and wear their confidence like a second skin.

If you can be more like them I am sure you can see how this will open doors for you.  If you are grouchy, crotchety or any other nasty euphemism I can think of do you think you will get very far in your career or with the goals in your life?  If you are sitting there waiting for things to happen for you, do they?  The answer to both of those is NO.  You have to grab life by the horns and take a step forward.  You have to know what you want and not let anything stop you in getting it.  This will build your confidence and if you soften this with letting your actions show how you are feeling you will find that  you have become and unstoppable force.

But if you sit there waiting for your ship to come in or for the right opportunity to come knocking at your door, you are going to wake up one day and find that life has passed  you by and you have missed all the opportunities that you we waiting for.  You have to go out there and live. You cannot sit idly by and hope and pray that things will come your way.  Remember that sometimes a door is closed so that we can open it and step through.  You might be surprised at what you find on the other side of it.

See I keep trying to tell people it isn't where you end up that matters it is the road that you took to get there that builds you up and makes you the person you are. Remember what I said last year about us being the sum of all our interactions, decisions, choice and the consequences of them.  Well, that is the road I am talking about here. See it is all of those things that have brought you to your stopping point that have tempered you and molded you and made you ready for where you are at.

So please go out there show others how much you care for them through  your actions.  Have that air of confidence around you always and see what doors it will open for you.

Take some time and think about it, I am sure you will come to find that I am right.  Just like when you are in and interview if you are successful in selling yourself to the employer you have got the job.  If you aren't successful guess what they move on and select another candidate.  It is all about your confidence level.

Trust me it works.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Not being able to sleep a lot on my mind

Sorry I haven't written much this week. I am still overwhelmed by what has been happening in my life.  At least part of it has been sort of resolved, my bf is back home finally.  He was gone for a minute and it was a lot to deal with especially with what has been happening with my mother.  Apparently around September 6 my mother was admitted to the hospital. She was having severe pain in her back and down her legs.  As of the 7th she couldn't walk at all, something was pushing on her spinal cord and her legs wouldn't respond.

She is a strong woman but this has really gotten too her, she stayed in the hospital for a week and was transferred to a nursing home and has been there till Friday when they transported her to another hospital an hour away from where she lives.  They have found a tumor on her spine and an abnormal growth. Right now I am not sure what any of this means.  But she is telling me that she may never be able to have surgery or be strong enough with her many other problems to survive the chemotherapy and other treatments they are wanting to give her.

While my bf was gone I spent a lot of money trying to keep in contact with him that I am not sure I have funds to drop everything I am doing and go up there, however, I feel just plain awful about that.  I feel she needs me and I should be there, but there is so much on my plate right now. I am trying to start my own treatments and get the liver biopsy done, as well as handle other personal matters, that keep me running across the state and the country.

One of my best friends called me yesterday and wants me to come and help him move, this is right before I am supposed to go out of town with Kerry.  I have tried to talk to my dad about what is going on and how I am feeling overwhelmed and like I am drowning with everything that is happening.  He just told me that I can't save the whole world and I have to do what I have to do to survive and everyone else must fend for themselves.

For those of you that know me this is a hard pill for me to swallow, however, yesterday has been very strenuous for me, because once again I felt abandoned and left alone.  I have no one to lean on or confide in.  I don't understand why I have to be the strong one that everyone depends upon.  When will I have someone that I can lean on and depend on?  I thought that I had that but every time something comes up in my life that is hard or devastating I seem to be sitting in the room all alone.  What a feeling!!

So here I sit at 3:23 in the morning writing in my blog because I have no one to talk to about the things going on in my life.  It seems like I have nothing and no one and I have to stand alone and face all of it by myself.  Again what a feeling!  It shouldn't be this way, I am in a relationship, why isn't he here for me to talk to and cry on his shoulder?  Good question! And one that I don't have the answer too.

I have been sitting around all day with all sorts of thoughts going through my head, not knowing what is actually going on anywhere.  The only one filling me in on my mother is her best friend and she is trying to spare my feelings knowing that I cannot be up there with my mother at this time. I have tried to be a good son.

I am so sad and frustrated this morning, I don't know which way to turn!

Please pray for me.  There is so much other stuff that is going on in my life that I can't put it in here right now because I don't want to upset anyone else...

How do you react?

How would you react if someone told you something about yourself or your partner that just plain hurt you?  You don't know the whole situation or story, and the person might be lashing out at you or your partner because they have been hurt by your actions?  Would you confront the person and try to get to the bottom of why they were telling you this information?  Or would you wait to talk to your partner and see if any or all of it might be true?  What if you are already having doubts and insecurities about yourself and the relationship?  How would you react then?  See something was said to me the other night that has been bothering me and I don't know what to do, or how to handle the situation.  See, a part of me knows from the past that what was told to me could be true, but me and my partner have an agreement that situations like what was described to me wouldn't happen.  Now, I know that the person who brought this up, was hurt by something that my partner did and so I am not sure if they weren't just lashing out and trying to hurt him.  All I know for sure is that what was said was something that hurt me.  Then to make matters worse, I haven't been able to talk to my partner about any of this.  For the past two days he hasn't taken any of my calls, and when he finally did call, I asked him if he was some place private where he could talk, he told me that he would call me right back and then hung up.

All of these factors have me guessing as to what is really happening, and since my relationship is already strained because of the distance apart we are and the length of time we have been away from each other, it just makes all of this so much harder.  Plus, there are a few other things that have been bothering me since before my birthday that I have been waiting to talk to him about.  Unfortunately, I am a very social person and I don't do well on my own.  I like being able to talk to him about my problems and issues, which is awesome that I have found someone that I can do that with.  However, there are times like today when I wanted to talk to him, it seemed like it was an inconvenience and he had to go right away, and here I sit waiting for him to call back.  I try my best to be patient, and also as supportive and understanding as I can be. However, he sometimes pushes me to the extreme limit of my endurance, which makes it doubly hard. We have tried to make sure that our relationship is solid enough that we can talk to each other about anything, and discuss it.  We have never had a fight, and as far as I know there have been no secrets that we have kept from one another.  When we first started dating we made a couple of promises to ourselves that we have worked hard to keep in place. Those would be, that we would never go to bed mad at one another, that we wouldn't like to one another, that we would always be upfront and frank about our intentions and discuss things that might be contrary to our normal relationship.

I can tell you that this year has put this to the test in many ways, and I think that he has done a pretty good job of living up to those promises.  I also know that he would tell you that I have beyond a shadow of a doubt. I keep nothing secret from him and no matter how hurt I am, or how hurt he might be from a topic I eventually bring it too him.  As far as I can tell he has been truthful with me about what he has been doing and who he has been hanging out with.  It is hard because we are on opposite sides of the country, but we are doing our best to make it work. When I find it hard to cope with certain situations or when I don't have the ability to talk with him about things I come to you and talk to you guys about it.  This sort of clears my mind and gives me a direction to go in.  So it is rough and hurtful when someone inadvertently or even intentionally upsets that delicate balance.  Now like I stated above, I know from our past, certain activities and things that he has been known to do and participate in, so what was said to me isn't outside the realm of possibilities.  But, on the other side we have discussed these things and he has told me that he wasn't doing them, and that he felt guilty when he tried because I wasn't there with him.  So you can see my concern and confusion.  I love him so very much and I trust him, but the way the statements were delivered to me have given me pause and I would like to find out first hand from him exactly what he has been up too and put my fears and insecurities to rest.

I hope that he finds the time and energy to call me back so that I can finally put my mind to rest on this issue. Because let me tell you the past two days have been rough and all sorts of thoughts have been flying around in my head.  My head tells me that he wouldn't hurt me intentionally like that, but my heart is telling me that it is possible, because it is certainly a way for him to make some money for him to come and see me while I am in California.  But as I sit here and think about this, it really doesn't matter to me, because honestly there is nothing I can do about the situation from where I am at.  It just hurts me that he didn't feel comfortable enough to confide in me in detail his plans so that I wouldn't be caught off guard and hurt like I was.  Like I said the person who told me the details was hurt by something that he had done, and might have been lashing out trying to hurt him and I got caught in the crossfire.

Above all else I want him to know that I am here for him, that I care about him, and that I want him to tell me what he has going on so situations like this don't keep happening.  It is when I am blindsided that I feel like an idiot and are hurt by the words of others.  It is not like he is doing something wrong, however in a relationship those things should be discussed before they happen so that both parties are aware of the situation prior and can fend off the hurtful words and attacks by others.

I hope that he understands that no matter the outcome, my feelings aren't going to change about him, but I want him to confide in me, talk to me and tell me what his plans are before he does them.  I am not one of those people that believes that you should beg for forgiveness instead of asking for permission. I would rather you give me the option to voice my concerns and opinions before the deed is actually done, versus being dismissed out of hand without any say in the situation until it is over and done with.

Remember that all relationships depend on and need open lines of communication, that there has to be a balance that is maintained and that you are absolutely honest with one another no matter the pain that is associated with it.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,


Uncle B