Today I sat on the computer and sprouted some heavenly epiphanies with everyone. Just random thoughts that entered my head, they made a lot of sense and may have helped a couple of people, but the truth is that sometimes good thoughts come to me and I don't always put them down and when I do they are quickly read and forgotten on Facebook and other mediums. I continue to write in my blog and every once in a while I will get a response and an email from someone encouraging me to keep writing, but the problem is that some of the things I talk about are repetitious, there are bits and pieces of lessons that are shared in one post that are referenced and brought up again another post. I have been giving advice and writing in this blog since 2012 and I have repeated some of the lessons that I have learned multiple times. Most of the time it is on purpose because I have this feeling come over me that someone is needing to hear that message right then and there and so I sit down at the computer and I begin writing.
2018 was supposed to be my year, because at the end of 2016 I lost the trailer and ended up on the streets and Dominic was arrested and I was on my own and I didn't have a clue what to do. Luckily Miss Milly came into my life and let me come stay with her. But, she ended up losing her place and we landed smack down on North Street in Daytona, and because of foolish decisions Dominic and I both got arrested the summer of 2017 and we ended up losing the house on North and Spruce. Since then Dom and I have been on the street bouncing around and finally landing at Tattoo's house we started to get ourselves together then things started going crazy again and I ended up get robbed several times and everyone got really heavy into drug use. Finally in December of 2017 I called my dad and I asked him to take me to my friends place in Jacksonville and I started over, I had invited Dominic to go with me, but he didn't want to and he asked me to stay with him and not leave him. But thinking I knew best I took off and I got on my feet, only to have to rug pulled out from under me again when tragedy struck in Jacksonville, Demario passed away rather unexpectedly, he had been sick since late January early February but we were thinking that he would get well enough to travel home to Boston and get a full recovery. But in May it all went wrong and before I knew it he was gone and things started getting crazy and I felt totally different. Around that time I also found out the my dad and brother were both sick, I had finished chemotherapy for esophagus cancer and I was on the mend and thought it would be okay to head back to Daytona.
I should have known better from the moment I stepped into town the forces aligned against me and everyone who claimed to be my friend ended up trying to scam me and use me, they used guilt and against me and even took my car and left me stranded multiple times. I got so sick while I was there and so many other things happened that I thought I would never be able to escape. Luckily I was able to, I was able to finally get away and got out of the situation that I was in. But, I didn't do it on my own, I had to have the help of a couple of friends, one who was kind enough to open her home to me and the other who was willing to help me get the bus ticket to get to my other friends house. Both of them knew that I was strong enough to recover if I could just escape the influences that were holding me back and fighting for control of my life. You may think I am crazy but I am going to tell you that demons exist and are on the earth today in many different shapes and forms and they are great at possessing people and using them for their own gains.
This summer when I went back to Daytona, I took note of the evil that had taken control of my friends and how seemingly innocent actions had severe and extreme impacts on my life, how my kindness was turned against me and they would play on my feelings and insecurities to get me to do what they wanted. But more importantly I began to realize that these weren't my friends anymore, these were individuals that had lost their identities and their life to drugs and the lifestyle that accompanies it. I watched how each and everyone of them was actually homeless and was bouncing around from place to place, staying with friends or family and using everyone they came in contact with to get the next high or hit. I also started to realize that it was designed as a trap to lure in people and lock them in. I began to see a pattern develop that was consistent with other friends in other cities that were dealing with the same lifestyle and understood how we had all been fooled and possessed by a very powerful demon and how that demon feeds on our misery and homelessness and our discontentment. How when I got away from those that were affected by this entity I felt better and stronger about myself and I could think clearly.
I also realized that none of us are willing to change until we get fed up and are tired of the struggle, when the despair and depression gets great enough it forces us to think about ourselves and helps us break free from the hold of the demon. I am seeing how others that are finally getting clean and joining the ranks of sobriety are feeling and they have shown me that it is possible to end it's hold over us and move forward and get ourselves together and clean up our lives. Many times in order to accomplish this task it means getting away from those that are still under the influence and out of the area where that influence is the strongest. I called it in one of my older posts changing your venue and friends. You have to get away and consciously decide that you deserve better and want better for yourself and that you are tired of struggling and fighting a loosing battle. You are fed up with people stealing from you and using you for their own selfish games. Believe me it is entirely possible to get yourself off the street and recover everything that you have lost. But in order to do that you have to surrender your use of the drugs and stand up and decide that you have had enough and you can't stand to be treated that way anymore, that you are worth more, deserve more and then demand more from yourself and everyone around you. They are going to be against your change, they are going to want to pull you back to your usage, they aren't going to offer you support or help, because they are fully under the control of the substance and the demon, and they want you to be in misery just like them.
Yet, once you get away from the influence and you are off the drug for awhile you will start to feel better and be able to think more clearly. Then things will start to get a little easier, it will take some time, you didn't start doing drugs over night and you will not stop over night, it is a process and a daily struggle. I will admit that I sometimes have feelings of wanting to go back and do it again, but then I see how far I have come and what I have to lose by going back and I am not willing to sacrifice anything that I have gained for the minute of a high and then those terrible hours of regretting what I had done. I learned my lesson this time when I went back to Daytona, I saw exactly the cost and the toll that my dependence cost me. But, because I had the strength to do it once, I was strong enough to be able to do it all over again this time. My bounce back and recovery was much faster than the first attempt. It took me 4 months to get back on my feet when I left Daytona for Jacksonville, this time it took me less than a month. I was able to clean up my bank account, clear up my debt, get my cell phones back and the lines caught up. I was able to get a computer, laptop, Ipad, android tablet and a Macbook laptop, a brand new bed and a new clothes and shoes. If I can do it and all it took was me to turn and walk away from those that were trying to hold me back and I surrendered my dependence on the drug and went sober (cold turkey), you can do it too.
I am telling you that you have the power to effect change in your life, you can accomplish anything that you want, it is all possible and within your grip. First you must recognize you have a problem, you have to have reached a point in your life where you unhappiness outweighs your need for the drug, you have reached a point where you are tired of being stolen from and broke, you are tired of not having your own things and depending on others, and you are tired of having to struggle every day just so that you have food to eat and a place to lay your head. Once you have gotten there everything else is cake and all you need to do is walk away, start over and make the change for yourself. Unfortunately, this is a solitary journey and unless your partner or friend is willing to make the same changes you are they may end up getting left behind. I know it is hard and almost impossible to do, I thought I was going to fail because it was so hard leaving Dominic behind after spending 4 years of my life with him, but I did it, and I am still doing it. I have offered to bring him with me, to move anywhere in the country that he wants to move, on the condition that he is ready to walk away from the drugs and is ready to start living instead of existing. He hasn't gotten there yet, maybe he will never get there, but I know that one day the demons hold over him is going to weaken and when it does it will be his chance to get through this and move on to something better in life than what he has right now.
They tell me that I was always a go getter and when I was younger I would go after things I wanted and rarely would I come back empty handed. I put myself through college, got my bachelors and masters degrees and my first job with the state just because I wanted to. I had the drive and the ambition to succeed and that is exactly what I did. Then cancer came back into my life and I lost myself for a very long time. I turned to drugs to help myself cope with my limitations and disfigurement of my body. The drugs made it easier to have sex and helped me deal with the pain a little better, but for that temporary relief I relinquished my freedom, my will and lost myself in a world where I fell into a pattern of use and abuse and it would continue for years and I thought it was an acceptable trade, but somewhere along the line it got more of hassle to get high, I no longer felt the joy or the rush of the drug and I only felt disappointment and regret and let down because I stopped finding the sex and the joy that I used to have when I would shoot up or smoke, somehow I lost the magic and all I was left with was the drudgery and the loss that my addiction brought me. I was constantly struggling to replace those things that were stolen, and I ended up losing my roof and my independence and became homeless and despondent.
You are a powerful being, God gave you a powerful mind, a living computer capable of restoring and functioning when tragedy and illness hit you. It is so powerful that it can alter your perceptions and change your reality. Take back the control of your life, exorcise your demons, strive for sobriety, set your mind to doing and discovering new things and become an achiever a go-getter and make a change in your life. You have the ability to come back from where you are at, you are stronger than you know and you have been given and extraordinary power to change your environment for the better, you just have to regain control of your life and reality. Attain what is right in front of you and consciously choose to change your life and you will succeed. Effecting change in your life will affect everything and everyone around you and you will become an inspiration for others to follow. Lead by example and triumph over that which has held you down and back from everything you ever wanted.
Trust me if I can do it, SO CAN YOU! God gave you free will so use it! Exercise it today and Exorcise your Demon and leave it powerless behind you. Let it feed on someone else's misery and pain. You deserve so much better, and trust me you will be so much stronger because you have lived through it and survived.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you!
Uncle B
Showing posts with label overcome. Show all posts
Showing posts with label overcome. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 4, 2018
Saturday, March 7, 2015
Follow up on Aging
I know I just wrote about how aging really isn't all it is cracked up to be. I was talking with my nephew earlier today and I was explaining to him that I couldn't remember what I had for breakfast, but I could remember everything that has happened in my past. Even he agreed that it was hard to believe that so much time had gone by. See, him and I went to Pennsylvania to help my mother take care of our adopted grandmother. It is hard to believe that 5 years have gone by now. To me it seems like it was just yesterday that we were up there. I can remember the snow, the cold and driving my mom and her to doctors appointments. How we would go to New York to go to the mall because that was the closest place to where my mother lived.
It is funny I was one of those people that never got sick when I was younger, and was serving in the U.S. Navy. However, I wasn't even out of the Navy for four months when I was diagnosed with stage 4 large cell lymphoma. Since that time my health has declined steadily over the years. I had never had to take pills before, and now I am taking 23 in the morning and 20 at night. It is awful having to fill up the pill box every week with all those pills. Not to mention having to take them daily.
My best friend and I also spoke tonight and he said something that caught my attention and made me think. He said that he sees more now than he did when he was in his 20's. I think that is true, that our experiences and journey have enabled us to gather enough knowledge to finally understand what really is happening around us. Another thing that I realized is that all the stuff that my mother scolded me about when I was growing up. The very things she told me would happen and when in my 20's I didn't believe her, I practically ignored her. But guess what, as I got older and experienced more of life, it became clear that she was telling me the truth and was trying to save me from pain and hurt. Too bad I didn't listen and follow her advice and instructions. See I was stubborn and had to find out the hard way. I had to experience everything for myself, go through it and experience it for myself.
It doesn't matter who you are or what your status in life is, you are going to face the challenge of aging. You are going to feel things that you never felt before, have pains in places that never hurt before. Muscle mass will start to decline, and your bone density will also start to deteriorate. Honestly the body starts to slow down and break down. Your joints might start to hurt because you have developed arthritis. You also start forgetting and losing memories, your concentration weakens, etc.
The one thing that remains constant is that your hindsight becomes 20/20 and you can remember stuff that you did and experienced from your past. You know exactly where you have been, you can see clearly the path you have taken. What you can't see is what the future holds for you. You might be able to make an educated guess by observing your past patterns. Each of us functions in patterns and habits, so you can probably predict what and where you are going based on your past actions. But keep in mind that the future is not set in stone, you can change your destiny by breaking your patterns or even changing your habits.
Life wears us down, our bodies slow down as we age, and our cells just can't repair all the damage that life and age has done to our bodies. One minute you are healthy and young, and the next thing you know you blink and you are middle aged. Close your eyes again and time will have continued and you are now old. Our minds don't age as fast as our bodies do, like I explained in my article about Aging that I wrote a day or so ago. Keep in mind that as you age time seems to speed up. Maybe it is because your body is slowing down. Or it just might be our perspective and how are brains receive and process things.
But the cold hard truth is that time speeds up, the body slows down, as your body starts falling apart. I encourage you to live your life in the moment and experience life, taste the flavors, and textures of the world around you. No matter what your age is, there is always more that you can experience and learn. Make sure you take the time to stop and smell the roses so to speak. Take one day at a time and remember that nobody is perfect, we are just a work in progress that continues to learn and grow every day.
Getting older is no phone for anyone. It sometimes take a toll on your body, sometimes not. There is no discerning of illness, it can strike anyone at any time. Take me for example I was 23 getting ready to turn 24 when I was diagnosed with cancer and told that I only had eighteen months to live. I never thought I would see 40, but I have and I am still going. Be who yourself and experience life's daily miracles and watch what you eat, exercise and maybe you will stay healthy your entire life.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
It is funny I was one of those people that never got sick when I was younger, and was serving in the U.S. Navy. However, I wasn't even out of the Navy for four months when I was diagnosed with stage 4 large cell lymphoma. Since that time my health has declined steadily over the years. I had never had to take pills before, and now I am taking 23 in the morning and 20 at night. It is awful having to fill up the pill box every week with all those pills. Not to mention having to take them daily.
My best friend and I also spoke tonight and he said something that caught my attention and made me think. He said that he sees more now than he did when he was in his 20's. I think that is true, that our experiences and journey have enabled us to gather enough knowledge to finally understand what really is happening around us. Another thing that I realized is that all the stuff that my mother scolded me about when I was growing up. The very things she told me would happen and when in my 20's I didn't believe her, I practically ignored her. But guess what, as I got older and experienced more of life, it became clear that she was telling me the truth and was trying to save me from pain and hurt. Too bad I didn't listen and follow her advice and instructions. See I was stubborn and had to find out the hard way. I had to experience everything for myself, go through it and experience it for myself.
It doesn't matter who you are or what your status in life is, you are going to face the challenge of aging. You are going to feel things that you never felt before, have pains in places that never hurt before. Muscle mass will start to decline, and your bone density will also start to deteriorate. Honestly the body starts to slow down and break down. Your joints might start to hurt because you have developed arthritis. You also start forgetting and losing memories, your concentration weakens, etc.
The one thing that remains constant is that your hindsight becomes 20/20 and you can remember stuff that you did and experienced from your past. You know exactly where you have been, you can see clearly the path you have taken. What you can't see is what the future holds for you. You might be able to make an educated guess by observing your past patterns. Each of us functions in patterns and habits, so you can probably predict what and where you are going based on your past actions. But keep in mind that the future is not set in stone, you can change your destiny by breaking your patterns or even changing your habits.
Life wears us down, our bodies slow down as we age, and our cells just can't repair all the damage that life and age has done to our bodies. One minute you are healthy and young, and the next thing you know you blink and you are middle aged. Close your eyes again and time will have continued and you are now old. Our minds don't age as fast as our bodies do, like I explained in my article about Aging that I wrote a day or so ago. Keep in mind that as you age time seems to speed up. Maybe it is because your body is slowing down. Or it just might be our perspective and how are brains receive and process things.
But the cold hard truth is that time speeds up, the body slows down, as your body starts falling apart. I encourage you to live your life in the moment and experience life, taste the flavors, and textures of the world around you. No matter what your age is, there is always more that you can experience and learn. Make sure you take the time to stop and smell the roses so to speak. Take one day at a time and remember that nobody is perfect, we are just a work in progress that continues to learn and grow every day.
Getting older is no phone for anyone. It sometimes take a toll on your body, sometimes not. There is no discerning of illness, it can strike anyone at any time. Take me for example I was 23 getting ready to turn 24 when I was diagnosed with cancer and told that I only had eighteen months to live. I never thought I would see 40, but I have and I am still going. Be who yourself and experience life's daily miracles and watch what you eat, exercise and maybe you will stay healthy your entire life.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Monday, November 19, 2012
What To Do If You Find Yourself Limited
There are many things that can happen to you that limit your ability to do certain things or activities. No one ever wants to admit that they are getting old. That they physically are unable to do the things that they once were able to do. It can even happen to a younger person due to illness, disease or an accident. Hell we have people that fought in Vietnam, Korea or even in the recent and past Gulf conflicts that were injured, may have lost a limb, or been injured and now are physically impaired. So what happens if something that you love and are use too has been taken away from you? That there is no way that you can ever be able to do that activity or function again.
Here let me digress a minute and fill you in on some rather personal information, some of you may already know, but here goes anyway, my big dark secret and a fear that I have been carrying around since June. On June 13th I went in to the hospital to have another bowel resection, they were supposed to remove the colostomy that is acting as a mucus fistula and try and eliminate the ileostomy at the same time. Now, this would have been wonderful and a dream come true. But the reality of the situation is that there has been too many surgeries, too much inflammation, scar tissue and adhesions that have built up because of those surgeries, not to mention all the damage done to the tissue and the pelvic cavity from the radiation treatments. What was discovered is that as soon as the scalpel starts cutting the abdominal wall, my blood pressure drops to dangerous levels, my breathing becomes erratic and my heart rate declines and my body starts to flat line. Meaning that if they were to continue the surgery I would have died without any chance of revival. This was the end of my dream and hope of finally being a whole and normal person. I have been told recently that neither of the surgeons that have handled my situation in the past were willing to open me back up under any circumstance. That it would take a skilled team of professionals to handle any further surgery that I may have. Unfortunately in October it was discovered that the stricture that developed when they fused the two sections of colon back together has grown closed and that I would have to have another surgery. This surgery is going to be extremely risky and may actually end my life. However, it has to be done, the mucus fistula is not working like they thought it would and fluid continues to build up on my pelvis.
Now, the reason why am telling you all of this is because of the simple fact that the colon has grown totally closed where it was fused is what is causing the fluid to build up. It also precludes me from having any type of anal penetration. Further, the surgery during the emergency surgery that was performed in March, I was cut open from my breast bone down to my groin. Now I am talking all the way down to the penis, because of how deeply I was cut and the way that the muscles grew back together an inch or more of my penis is now indented. Which means that the length of it is now noticeably shorter. This for the most part will preclude me from having sex with most gay men, due to the scarring and the length. So overall in my mind I would have to say that sex for me is now completely finished, over and never to be had again. Seriously, this is a daunting proposition for me, because as people from my past can attest I love sex, it was an activity that I actually was pretty good at and have had some considerable practice at. No I wasn't promiscuous or anything like that, but there was a time and a place where sex was something that I literally breathed. This is just one example out of many others that I can throw at you. My mother had a friend named Jeanette, who lived to be 91 years old. Up until she was 89 she was very active and vigorous in her daily activities and in doing yard work. She got sick in her 90th year her, she suffered terribly from arthritis and COPD and various other factors that took her mobility and energy away. However, she still demanded to take care of herself, lived by herself and up until her death held a license and owned a car, though like I said when she turned 90 she really couldn't drive anymore because of macular degeneration of her eyes.
In her case she missed doing the physical things, she was used to taking care of herself and her house. She prided herself on her ability to do those things and the weaker she got the more frustrated she would get. I actually moved home to help my mother take care of her that last year that she was alive, I drove everywhere and cooked and did as many things as I could for her so that she didn't have too. I enjoyed helping her, but one day in January of 2010 she looked at me and asked me if she was a burden, how she wished that she could just die because she felt like she had to rely on others to do the most basic things and it was hard for her to admit that she was just not able to do everything by herself. My answer surprised her, I didn't think she was a burden at all, and I actually enjoyed the time I got to spend with her. I learned things about my life and why I cared about people so much. In a way, my limitations brought me to the realization that I may not be able to do all the things that a normal male of 40 can do, but there are other things, and that I have found someone that accepts and understands my limitations and loves me anyway makes all the difference to me in the world. I have channeled my energy and passion of sex into caring and helping others. It has pushed me out there into the world to talk to others about my illnesses, limitations, expectations and how I handle them. I have begun volunteering and helping others in a way that is rewarding and fulfilling. However, I have found that being candid with others about my illnesses, and limitations has made it easier for me to accept and move past them.
What I have done is found another outlet for my pent up anxiety and frustration. I remember Jeanette telling me that it is the simple things in life that brought her pleasure, and she would needle point or crochet for hours. Since she couldn't carry or lift things anymore, or push the mower or plant a full garden, she took joy in the things she could still do, instead of planting a full garden she planted herb gardens in her window. Planted strawberry plants in planters by her front door, she would crochet or needle point to keep her hands busy and her mind working on what she was doing. She occupied her time by things that she could still do that made her happy. The concept I am trying to bring forth to you, is it is possible to turn and find alternative activities to do to compensate for those abilities and things you can no longer do. I have a great mind and a terrific imagination, and I have figured out ways to compensate for my physical ability with activities and things that I can do. This helps me rid myself of the anxiety I felt, it also lessened my feelings of inadequacy and by talking about it to others, and writing in my blog has made it something that I can almost accept totally and move on. I still have feelings of anguish over my crushed dream of being made whole, but I think in time those too will pass and vanish. It also helps that I have found someone that cares enough about me to tell me that it doesn't matter to him, that we will face it together and will work out a solution. Up until today, I had been keeping it from him, but when I told him my fears, he said the right things, and that it didn't matter that it was me he wanted, that it was me that has inspired him and made him a better person, but you wanna know the truth of the matter, maybe it is that we inspired each other and have given each other hope for a better life, and a happier one then we have known before.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I have looked death in the eye several times this year, and it scared me, but somehow, I knew it wasn't my time to go yet. But it brought into sharp focus my limitations and abilities, it also made me intensely aware of the fear I had hiding within myself. Just like Jeanette, I had begun to feel like I was a relic, no longer useful or productive and that I wasn't going to be wanted and desired by anyone. Now, with that being said, those that truly know me can attest that nothing gets me down for long so I have bounced back and I have shifted my focus to what I can do, what makes me happy, what am I passionate about that I can pour my energy and my life into. I have come to understand that having a terminal illness doesn't mean that you are going to die right away necessarily and that there is life after being diagnosed. As I said at the beginning of this entry, there are just circumstances and events that are beyond our scope of control that can severely impact our lives and limit our abilities. When that happens, we can't let the anguish and depression hold us back, we have to face those limitations without fear, using our mind and creativity and imagination to find ways to compensate or even supplement the loss.
Now I am fully aware that there is going to be a period of time when your mind and emotions are not going to deal with this rationally. You are definitely going to go through the 5 stages of grief and remorse and will have to weather that storm, but eventually after you have passed through that you will find other activities and things that will help you take your mind off the limiting ability. I have found that humor helps me deal with my situation and allows me to be perfectly frank and candid about my situation. When I am talking to others, or filling out applications, and it comes to the question of sex, I say well I am a plant, I am neither male of female, I am asexual how would you like me to answer this question. Or if they ask it another way, I say no not right now I am too sore, but maybe when I heal up we could attempt. Levity and humor make the situation tolerable, and opens the door for me to talk to others about my illness and how it has actually affected me. You never know where personal encounters are going to take you, or who else might be dealing with a similar situation and have been harboring the guilt and anxiety within themselves and has had no one that they can talk to or even laugh about it with. My friends let me tell you that life is too short to stay quiet, get out there tell your story, embrace life and living and trust me you will be rewarded. Both emotionally, physically and spiritually. I find the greatest joy in meeting new people and experiencing life through their eyes. Because as I have told you before we each feel, experience and see things differently, and if you take the chance to walk in someone else's shoes, guess what you might get blisters or sore toes, but you are also going to have a greater understanding of who that person really is.
My advice to you my friend is don't give in to despair, anguish, anxiety, guilt or any of the other hundreds of emotions that you might be feeling, don't wallow in self-despair and pity, change the variables, change the game, and like I told you yesterday you can change the way you think and react to things. Find something new and different to do, find a new outlet, hobby or release that you are comfortable with, enjoy and make the change. Again, I will tell you if I can do it so can you.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Here let me digress a minute and fill you in on some rather personal information, some of you may already know, but here goes anyway, my big dark secret and a fear that I have been carrying around since June. On June 13th I went in to the hospital to have another bowel resection, they were supposed to remove the colostomy that is acting as a mucus fistula and try and eliminate the ileostomy at the same time. Now, this would have been wonderful and a dream come true. But the reality of the situation is that there has been too many surgeries, too much inflammation, scar tissue and adhesions that have built up because of those surgeries, not to mention all the damage done to the tissue and the pelvic cavity from the radiation treatments. What was discovered is that as soon as the scalpel starts cutting the abdominal wall, my blood pressure drops to dangerous levels, my breathing becomes erratic and my heart rate declines and my body starts to flat line. Meaning that if they were to continue the surgery I would have died without any chance of revival. This was the end of my dream and hope of finally being a whole and normal person. I have been told recently that neither of the surgeons that have handled my situation in the past were willing to open me back up under any circumstance. That it would take a skilled team of professionals to handle any further surgery that I may have. Unfortunately in October it was discovered that the stricture that developed when they fused the two sections of colon back together has grown closed and that I would have to have another surgery. This surgery is going to be extremely risky and may actually end my life. However, it has to be done, the mucus fistula is not working like they thought it would and fluid continues to build up on my pelvis.
Now, the reason why am telling you all of this is because of the simple fact that the colon has grown totally closed where it was fused is what is causing the fluid to build up. It also precludes me from having any type of anal penetration. Further, the surgery during the emergency surgery that was performed in March, I was cut open from my breast bone down to my groin. Now I am talking all the way down to the penis, because of how deeply I was cut and the way that the muscles grew back together an inch or more of my penis is now indented. Which means that the length of it is now noticeably shorter. This for the most part will preclude me from having sex with most gay men, due to the scarring and the length. So overall in my mind I would have to say that sex for me is now completely finished, over and never to be had again. Seriously, this is a daunting proposition for me, because as people from my past can attest I love sex, it was an activity that I actually was pretty good at and have had some considerable practice at. No I wasn't promiscuous or anything like that, but there was a time and a place where sex was something that I literally breathed. This is just one example out of many others that I can throw at you. My mother had a friend named Jeanette, who lived to be 91 years old. Up until she was 89 she was very active and vigorous in her daily activities and in doing yard work. She got sick in her 90th year her, she suffered terribly from arthritis and COPD and various other factors that took her mobility and energy away. However, she still demanded to take care of herself, lived by herself and up until her death held a license and owned a car, though like I said when she turned 90 she really couldn't drive anymore because of macular degeneration of her eyes.
In her case she missed doing the physical things, she was used to taking care of herself and her house. She prided herself on her ability to do those things and the weaker she got the more frustrated she would get. I actually moved home to help my mother take care of her that last year that she was alive, I drove everywhere and cooked and did as many things as I could for her so that she didn't have too. I enjoyed helping her, but one day in January of 2010 she looked at me and asked me if she was a burden, how she wished that she could just die because she felt like she had to rely on others to do the most basic things and it was hard for her to admit that she was just not able to do everything by herself. My answer surprised her, I didn't think she was a burden at all, and I actually enjoyed the time I got to spend with her. I learned things about my life and why I cared about people so much. In a way, my limitations brought me to the realization that I may not be able to do all the things that a normal male of 40 can do, but there are other things, and that I have found someone that accepts and understands my limitations and loves me anyway makes all the difference to me in the world. I have channeled my energy and passion of sex into caring and helping others. It has pushed me out there into the world to talk to others about my illnesses, limitations, expectations and how I handle them. I have begun volunteering and helping others in a way that is rewarding and fulfilling. However, I have found that being candid with others about my illnesses, and limitations has made it easier for me to accept and move past them.
What I have done is found another outlet for my pent up anxiety and frustration. I remember Jeanette telling me that it is the simple things in life that brought her pleasure, and she would needle point or crochet for hours. Since she couldn't carry or lift things anymore, or push the mower or plant a full garden, she took joy in the things she could still do, instead of planting a full garden she planted herb gardens in her window. Planted strawberry plants in planters by her front door, she would crochet or needle point to keep her hands busy and her mind working on what she was doing. She occupied her time by things that she could still do that made her happy. The concept I am trying to bring forth to you, is it is possible to turn and find alternative activities to do to compensate for those abilities and things you can no longer do. I have a great mind and a terrific imagination, and I have figured out ways to compensate for my physical ability with activities and things that I can do. This helps me rid myself of the anxiety I felt, it also lessened my feelings of inadequacy and by talking about it to others, and writing in my blog has made it something that I can almost accept totally and move on. I still have feelings of anguish over my crushed dream of being made whole, but I think in time those too will pass and vanish. It also helps that I have found someone that cares enough about me to tell me that it doesn't matter to him, that we will face it together and will work out a solution. Up until today, I had been keeping it from him, but when I told him my fears, he said the right things, and that it didn't matter that it was me he wanted, that it was me that has inspired him and made him a better person, but you wanna know the truth of the matter, maybe it is that we inspired each other and have given each other hope for a better life, and a happier one then we have known before.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I have looked death in the eye several times this year, and it scared me, but somehow, I knew it wasn't my time to go yet. But it brought into sharp focus my limitations and abilities, it also made me intensely aware of the fear I had hiding within myself. Just like Jeanette, I had begun to feel like I was a relic, no longer useful or productive and that I wasn't going to be wanted and desired by anyone. Now, with that being said, those that truly know me can attest that nothing gets me down for long so I have bounced back and I have shifted my focus to what I can do, what makes me happy, what am I passionate about that I can pour my energy and my life into. I have come to understand that having a terminal illness doesn't mean that you are going to die right away necessarily and that there is life after being diagnosed. As I said at the beginning of this entry, there are just circumstances and events that are beyond our scope of control that can severely impact our lives and limit our abilities. When that happens, we can't let the anguish and depression hold us back, we have to face those limitations without fear, using our mind and creativity and imagination to find ways to compensate or even supplement the loss.
Now I am fully aware that there is going to be a period of time when your mind and emotions are not going to deal with this rationally. You are definitely going to go through the 5 stages of grief and remorse and will have to weather that storm, but eventually after you have passed through that you will find other activities and things that will help you take your mind off the limiting ability. I have found that humor helps me deal with my situation and allows me to be perfectly frank and candid about my situation. When I am talking to others, or filling out applications, and it comes to the question of sex, I say well I am a plant, I am neither male of female, I am asexual how would you like me to answer this question. Or if they ask it another way, I say no not right now I am too sore, but maybe when I heal up we could attempt. Levity and humor make the situation tolerable, and opens the door for me to talk to others about my illness and how it has actually affected me. You never know where personal encounters are going to take you, or who else might be dealing with a similar situation and have been harboring the guilt and anxiety within themselves and has had no one that they can talk to or even laugh about it with. My friends let me tell you that life is too short to stay quiet, get out there tell your story, embrace life and living and trust me you will be rewarded. Both emotionally, physically and spiritually. I find the greatest joy in meeting new people and experiencing life through their eyes. Because as I have told you before we each feel, experience and see things differently, and if you take the chance to walk in someone else's shoes, guess what you might get blisters or sore toes, but you are also going to have a greater understanding of who that person really is.
My advice to you my friend is don't give in to despair, anguish, anxiety, guilt or any of the other hundreds of emotions that you might be feeling, don't wallow in self-despair and pity, change the variables, change the game, and like I told you yesterday you can change the way you think and react to things. Find something new and different to do, find a new outlet, hobby or release that you are comfortable with, enjoy and make the change. Again, I will tell you if I can do it so can you.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Courage and Fear what does it mean?
I was on Google + a little while ago, and a blog popped up that peaked my interest because I had selected the topic of Courage and Fear. So I read Jodi Arman's Blog entry "The Evolutionary Roots of Fear". Her blog supports what I have always thought about the irrationality of fear and the development of the fight or flight mechanism in the human brain. As mammals, we have an instinctual propensity when we sense danger to tense up, fear creeps in and we either flee or fight depending on how we gauge our opponent.
Her blog goes on to state based on Sharon Begley's Newsweek article entitled "Roots of Fear" that our brain is hard-wired to override the logic cortex when we are afraid. Basically what Sharon states is that the fear circuitry has more pathways to the aymgdala versus the logical thought cortex and allows the fear to over-ride thought. In a sense this is true in non-sentient creatures but we can think and override those fears, or we can brave through. I believe that this is a simplistic view not taking into consideration the complexities of the entire nervous system. As I have pointed out in a previous blog entry, fear triggers a response in the autonomic and sympathetic nervous systems and which activates our fight or flight mechanism. Adrenalin floods our system muscles tense and our mind enters a hyper-arousal, where time seems to slow, pupils dilate, and the mind notices the minute movement of our opponent. More about this can be found under the topic of Fight-or-flight response on wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fight-or-flight_response.
I honestly believe that Sharon Begley has a point in her Newsweek article that there is an ingrained and instinctual drive that has been bred into us from our earliest days. That man has a hard-wired brain that reacts when it senses fear or danger. However, I think that this hard-wired response is also responsible for the body's neurological and physiological reactions as well. The Nervous System plays a major part in the way we handle the situation we are in. I also think that because we have the ability to think we can override these fears just like Jodi Arman's blog states.
But, I would like to carry this conversation a bit further than the brain, and nervous systems response, because I think as thought enters the picture we have the ability to overcome those fears. Which is what I call courage. Courage doesn't mean that we don't have fears or get afraid, it means that we have the ability to defeat fear. We can defeat fear as Jodi suggest by thinking it through, or by acting through it. You can find out more by reading her blog at http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/anxiety-schmanxiety/2012/08/evolutionary-roots-of-fear/ .
Fear is a very powerful motivator, and it can grip us and paralyze us, but we do have the ability to out think it, we have the ability to confront it and work past it, and eventually defeat it. There are tons of stories how a fireman rushes into a burning building and rescues someone, that firefighter had to confront his fears in an instant and react to the situation with lightening speed to make that rescue. I honestly don't think that fear overrides the mind and locks us into inaction, on the contrary it is fear that causes us to look at the situation in a hyper accelerated manner and react and accomplish amazing things.
I do believe that primitive man may have been hard wired to the point where their sense of logic and reasoning was overwhelmed, but in our time I think that evolution has honed our senses and our reflexes to the point where our brain immediately assess the threat and reacts almost in an instant. You can also find out more about the sympathetic nervous system at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sympathetic_nervous_system . I encourage you to do some research yourself on this.
I believe that body is a marvelous machine that is powered by the most sophisticated computers the world has ever seen, the human brain. I believe that the brain is more powerful than we give it credit for, and though the primitive responses that Sharon describes most certainly do happen, a whole array of reactions takes place at the same time. Remember that as the brain recognizes a threat or danger, adrenalin is released into the blood stream the somatic nervous system http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Somatic_nervous_system contracts the muscles causing them to tense, ready to spring into either flight or fight, they sympathetic nervous system goes into overdrive and allows the brain to enter a state of hyper awareness and from there we react.
I hope you understand from this that I believe that it is possible for us as humans to overcome our fears, whether they are rational or irrational by confronting them and working through them. Further, I believe that it is courage that gives us the ability to accomplish this. This doesn't mean that we don't get afraid or suffer from fear, but that we can overcome it and be victorious against it. I don't believe that our logic centers are totally overridden and we are locked into a state of panic and cannot think our way through the situation.
As I have said, please take the time to do some research on this on your own and draw your own conclusion.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Her blog goes on to state based on Sharon Begley's Newsweek article entitled "Roots of Fear" that our brain is hard-wired to override the logic cortex when we are afraid. Basically what Sharon states is that the fear circuitry has more pathways to the aymgdala versus the logical thought cortex and allows the fear to over-ride thought. In a sense this is true in non-sentient creatures but we can think and override those fears, or we can brave through. I believe that this is a simplistic view not taking into consideration the complexities of the entire nervous system. As I have pointed out in a previous blog entry, fear triggers a response in the autonomic and sympathetic nervous systems and which activates our fight or flight mechanism. Adrenalin floods our system muscles tense and our mind enters a hyper-arousal, where time seems to slow, pupils dilate, and the mind notices the minute movement of our opponent. More about this can be found under the topic of Fight-or-flight response on wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fight-or-flight_response.
I honestly believe that Sharon Begley has a point in her Newsweek article that there is an ingrained and instinctual drive that has been bred into us from our earliest days. That man has a hard-wired brain that reacts when it senses fear or danger. However, I think that this hard-wired response is also responsible for the body's neurological and physiological reactions as well. The Nervous System plays a major part in the way we handle the situation we are in. I also think that because we have the ability to think we can override these fears just like Jodi Arman's blog states.
But, I would like to carry this conversation a bit further than the brain, and nervous systems response, because I think as thought enters the picture we have the ability to overcome those fears. Which is what I call courage. Courage doesn't mean that we don't have fears or get afraid, it means that we have the ability to defeat fear. We can defeat fear as Jodi suggest by thinking it through, or by acting through it. You can find out more by reading her blog at http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/anxiety-schmanxiety/2012/08/evolutionary-roots-of-fear/ .
Fear is a very powerful motivator, and it can grip us and paralyze us, but we do have the ability to out think it, we have the ability to confront it and work past it, and eventually defeat it. There are tons of stories how a fireman rushes into a burning building and rescues someone, that firefighter had to confront his fears in an instant and react to the situation with lightening speed to make that rescue. I honestly don't think that fear overrides the mind and locks us into inaction, on the contrary it is fear that causes us to look at the situation in a hyper accelerated manner and react and accomplish amazing things.
I do believe that primitive man may have been hard wired to the point where their sense of logic and reasoning was overwhelmed, but in our time I think that evolution has honed our senses and our reflexes to the point where our brain immediately assess the threat and reacts almost in an instant. You can also find out more about the sympathetic nervous system at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sympathetic_nervous_system . I encourage you to do some research yourself on this.
I believe that body is a marvelous machine that is powered by the most sophisticated computers the world has ever seen, the human brain. I believe that the brain is more powerful than we give it credit for, and though the primitive responses that Sharon describes most certainly do happen, a whole array of reactions takes place at the same time. Remember that as the brain recognizes a threat or danger, adrenalin is released into the blood stream the somatic nervous system http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Somatic_nervous_system contracts the muscles causing them to tense, ready to spring into either flight or fight, they sympathetic nervous system goes into overdrive and allows the brain to enter a state of hyper awareness and from there we react.
I hope you understand from this that I believe that it is possible for us as humans to overcome our fears, whether they are rational or irrational by confronting them and working through them. Further, I believe that it is courage that gives us the ability to accomplish this. This doesn't mean that we don't get afraid or suffer from fear, but that we can overcome it and be victorious against it. I don't believe that our logic centers are totally overridden and we are locked into a state of panic and cannot think our way through the situation.
As I have said, please take the time to do some research on this on your own and draw your own conclusion.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
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