Everything you said but didn't really mean

You have walked away and left me after 4 long years. You made some promises and said a lot of things but in the end you never meant any one of them.  You said you loved me, but you left and didn't come back, I came for you and you wouldn't come.  Then you blamed me and said things that were hard and untrue.  You tried to turn this around on me, but the truth of the matter is that you never really cared.  If you did you would be here.  You wouldn't have said the thing you did to others.  You had me convinced that I was the problem, yet over the last 2 years the violence has increased instead of walking away you would rather hit me, spit on me and say unkind words.  This is not love, this is not something that one should have to endure. Yet, despite it all I have been there for you, sheltered you and still tried to make things work.

Do you get a sense of satisfaction hurting me and using me.  Telling people that I am nasty and that you can't stand to be around me. But when you are in trouble or in a bind I am the one that you come and find.  I have remained constant and faithful doing what I could to show that I care, yet you are not here your still there. I am going through so much and you don't even care.  You don't call or write, I only hear from you when you need something or want something from me. That is not fair.

My mind is in disarray, my emotions are scattered. My nights are sleepless and I am very restless.  Yet still my heart is hurting because I have a love for you. Despite all that you have done to me and against me I am still here. But that my dear one is about to come to an end.  I am torn you have accused me of talking to others behind your back which isn't true.  Many have reached out and talked to me about the things that you are doing.  It breaks my heart to think that you would be so cruel but the words that I have heard you have thrown in my face before so they can't be anything but true.  I find that it has been you that has spoken to others about me and made me seem a monster. 

I am finding out that I have been scared to leave because I have been afraid of being alone, but it seems so easy for you to throw me away.  I have been reminded recently by many people that if you truly cared you would be here, you would be going through this with me.  Someone who loves and cares about another would move heaven and earth to be with that person in their time of need.  Yet, there you are getting high and still shooting dope after you promised you would stop if I bailed you out. You promised that you would be with me and go to every doctor appointment that I wouldn't have to do this all alone. Words, just empty hollow words it is the same thing every time you are in jail you make promises, tell me that you miss me, that you want to marry me, and stay with me.  Yet where are you now?  Not here!

You went back to Daytona to take care of your legal problems and appear for pre-trial services but guess what everyday the bondsman calls demanding that I pay them for both of your bonds. You are hiding and on the run. I am left holding the bag and soon they will be taking money from my check to cover the $6,500.00 that you were your bonds.  I put my faith and trust in you and you have let me down not this time but over and over again.  I don't know what you expect me to do, I can't live torn up like this.  You have no respect for me, you  have no love for me and you made the choice to leave and not return.  Through all of this I have been patient, I have reached out to you and  I have sent you money even when I knew I shouldn't have.  Days have gone by and I hear nothing from you. I have had serious test run and spoken to surgeons and have you reached out to find out about their outcome?  NO.

I am writing this to try and sort out my feelings, to know my heart and to try and clean the wounds in my mind.  Yes I am hurt, but I need to let go. You are doing nothing for me and haven't for a long long time except make excuses and lie.  I came here to re-build, re-group and get my feet back under me I am doing well with that.  Yet I waste energy and money on you when I should be focusing on myself first.  You have shown by your actions that you don't want me around. I have been told some of the things you think of me.  I am amazed that you can lie directly too me and tell me that you love me and care for me yet still do and say the things that you have been doing.  Karma is a terrible mistress and she will come and collect from you all that you have put out.  People are saying that you are lying and stealing from them, that you are using them when I hear these things I don't know what to say.  I am sad because things that I have been told about you in the past of things that you used to do behind my back have proven to be true and it hurts more and more.

The person that I fell in love with 4 plus years ago isn't you.  I don't know where that man went.  He wouldn't have left me, he didn't leave me when I was sick and almost died, he stayed by my side and protected me.  He would never hit me, but since the trailer on Nova Rd it has become worse and worse.  I am not the type to give up on another person, but it seems that you have given up on me so why should I stand in a relationship all alone?  A relationship is a partnership between two individuals to come together and support one another, to build a better future for each other.  I don't know what else to do but say goodbye and walk away.  Something that you have already done.  Days and weeks go by and I hear nothing from you, yet I continue to pay for your cellphone bill.  You aren't here for me!

I have no idea what you expect from me or what you thought was going to happen. But you have been gone over 3 months and it really doesn't seem like you have any intention of returning. I am probably leaving and going back to California and starting over.  There is nothing in Florida for me anymore. 

Please take care. I do still care, but I can't put myself out there anymore for you.  My heart is broken and it will take a long long time to mend. 

Goodbye dear one, Good luck.

Easier written

I find that it is much easier to write down my thoughts and feelings then it is to verbalize and say them aloud.  Expressing oneself is vitally important in today's world.  Learning how to release pent up feelings and emotions is essential in maintaining successful relationships.    Yet, in my experience you must begin with yourself. During the past year I had to relearn an old lesson that I should never have forgotten. It took me years to learn that you have to be completely honest with yourself and with others that you are in a relationship with.  During the past year I was less than truthful in dealing with my partner.  More to protect him then in attempts to hurt him. Yet, damage to our relationship has been done.  I am not sure if the hurts that I caused and the damage done to our relationship can be undone. 

However in 2018 I plan on giving my relationship one more try. One more effort to right the wrongs that both of us have done to our relationship. If it doesn't work out this time then I guess it really wasn't meant to be.  This is a new place for me, a chapter in life I have seldom chosen to walk down.  This will be the first time in years that I have chosen to put myself in a place where I am willing to go back with someone and try to erase all the pain and failures of the past.  Literally, I have been down this road several times with this same person.  Each time they promise to change to be different and better than what they were. So far each time the situation either remained the same or has gotten worse.  I just hope that he can abide by his decision this time. Has not been lying to me and just saying what I want to hear. Because I really don't want to waste my money once again bringing him into my life for it to just blow up in my face once again.

With the title of this entry in mind I see that I am doing it once again.  I sit here writing about my feelings and my fears. I will have plenty of opportunity to talk about them on the return trip to Jacksonville.  That's if he is actually going to come with me this time. 4 other times in the past I have made the offer to have him come with me and 4 times he has backed out.  What he needs to understand is that I am doing this to help him.  I am jeopardizing my welfare and my place to stay as well as my personal funds trying to help him.  However, this is the last chance that I am willing to give him. I am not going to be doing the drugs and other things that have been common place in our relationship,  I am not even going to entertain opening that door not once. 

Well, it has been two weeks since he came up to Jacksonville. It was a very expensive endeavor bringing him up here, but I knew that it was going to be. Money this month went so quickly that I have had to change some of my plans. With him being up here my rent increased by $200.00 and food has become an issue. However, as things go I think that everything will work out once him and I get established here in Jacksonville.

With the amount of doctors appointments it really isn't possible for me to get a job and go to work. Though I have thought about it more than once. I have been trying to encourage my partner to at least apply for food stamps and try to get some other types of assistance. He has asked me to help him and since he had to go back to Daytona to meet with pre-trial services I think that I will take the opportunity to work on applying for him.  With at least that much help it will go a long way towards easing part of the financial burden that has been on my shoulders. From there getting him and my ID's straightened out will possibly enable him to get a part time job which would also help. If I can convince him that he needs to give me $350 a month for his portion of the bills not including what he gets in food stamps will make it so much easier for him and I to get a place of our own.

My goal at this point is to try and fix the damage done in the past. To encourage and open honest and direct communication. Promote getting at least a part time job so he can help me with the bills and get the things he wants.  It is my hope that I will be able to bridge the gap between writing about my feelings and actually expressing them.

By writing this entry I have become more focused on what I need to do and hope that with his help and the encouragement of my friends that he will begin to see the need to try and change and help me. He feels that he needs to be around to help take care of me. But the truth of the matter is that he really needs to start by helping me financially and get us back on to stable ground. This will be the most beneficial thing that he can do, which in turn will help me both physically and mentally.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you. Laugh often, love much and live well.

Uncle B

Oh moon shining Bright!

The sky is dark the stars are bright,
but it is the full moon that catches my eye this very night,
fear, emotion and hope are all found in that bright and shining disk in the sky.

Here I sit and ponder the where and whys
I am the only one who can see through the illusions and the lies,

Maybe it is the light that that shines so bright
That takes away the fear and fright,

For I alone know what's going down
I shake my head and frown.

I have warned and have pleaded
But you haven't neither heard nor headed

Comfort and strength are what is needed
In this hour, Oh how I know how your heart has bleeded

Friend so far away
I wish you really knew me today

Maybe then you would have believed my tales
I tied to save your heart from all his childish whims, cries and wails.

Oh moon so bright and shiny
Don't let my friend feel like his heart is small and tiny!

I am here my friend
I made a promise I am your friend and companion till the end

I will wait and watch by the hour
as you wait for him all bitter and sour

Wait and see he will come back to thee
this is his way Please wait and see

He loves you dear
he hides his heart thru drugs because of fear.

In a bit you will find
He is back and loving weak and blind

blind to the pain that he has wrought
but now you know the kind of man you have caught

Don't you ever threaten to end yourself again
because it isn't worth it in the end.

You are a shining star
You know who you are

Stand firm in the dark
be sure to leave your mark

Because the moon is shining bright
everything will come to the light.

I love you man!
-B

Lost, Alone and Scared

Over the past few days my world has been in a constant state of flux. Meaning that nothing has been constant, everything has been in perpetual movement.  When that happens the mind looses focus and thoughts can drift impossibly far distances. Emotions which are tied to thoughts are also out of flux with the rest of your body and you withdraw from the physical.  Now to explain this is rather difficult but I think this is a possible reason why we sometimes can be in a crowd and feel all alone.  See it doesn't matter what you are going through when the mind detaches and starts roaming and grasping at straws and random thought patterns, we become un-anchored to the the world around us.  We have a tendency to wrap up in these thoughts and can't fight our way back to ground.  I described that on my Facebook page on Saturday. My emotional state was such that I was upset, angry, profoundly sad, and I couldn't tell you which way was up or down.  I felt trapped in a surreal place of existence and I couldn't quite wrap my head around reality.

Because of a promise I made I can't divulge all the details of what I am going through but I can tell you this much.  When you care and love someone and they are lost to you for whatever reason, your mind creates solutions and equations and thousands of excuses as to what is really going on.  Problem with all of these scenarios that are playing out in your head, you have no foundation or basis in which to draw from, so your thoughts become cyclical, and you go from thinking the worst to the best, and before you know it your orientation is totally screwed up.  Sometimes we find ourselves in a place of emotional discovery, where you find out that what you once thought was not reality, even though all indicators seemed to point to a fact, when you finally get up on it, you realize that you had misread them, or mislabeled them as fact when they were just feelings.  Which is the funny thing about feelings, they can feel so real that you can almost believe them as fact, when in most cases they aren't, they are just interpretations of the facts that the brain and heart can process.

I can tell you it is a terrible feeling waking up one morning and finding out that everything you once believed in was a lie, that what you thought of as fact, was just in fact illusion created by yourself to keep from facing the truth.  Trust me when I tell you that it is a hard pill to swallow.  Humans are amazing creatures, we have not only the ability to reason, but we also have the ability to feel, and when you put reason and feelings together we get a sort of mental image, problem is that feelings are not as reliable and our images are easily shattered.  When something happens in your life that causes you to doubt everything it is very hard to pull yourself back together.  See, I am not a stranger to the world of addictions and drugs. I am not a stranger to lying to myself to make myself feel better, but I have learned over the years how to come to deal with these falsehoods, and I stand before you a different person.  See I am brutally honest with myself and those around me these days, because I hate to have the feelings of being lost, alone and scared.  I would rather get the initial shock and pain over with than have to deal with it on an on-going form.  So, I gave up on trying to kid myself.

However, there comes a time when we run into individuals that aren't quite at the level that you are. You have asked them repeatedly if they care about you and love you, if they are sure that you are the one they want to be with.  If they aren't at the same place you are, the answer you might get may leave you totally wondering as to your position. See I am a firm believer that everything starts with self and works its way outward. So if you are honest and truthful with yourself you have a greater ability to accept the things that are handed to you.  Some things you wouldn't even expect that hit you with a firm foundation of reality and truth behind you, you will be able to face them and overcome them with ease.  But, every so often something comes along that blind sides you. Something that comes from an unexpected corner, a place where you weren't looking or had thought you had gotten past, and it can rip your sense of reality right out from under you.

You may not understand what I am talking about or where I am coming from with this, and that is absolutely okay.  What I want you to understand there are times when you can be lost, alone and scared and it is not of your own doing.  You can feel those feelings under many different circumstances and I am beginning to understand the amount of pressure that it can put on another person who cares about you.  See, I am beginning to understand the physical and emotional toll of my health conditions on the person that I love.  I am beginning to understand that he has to stand there and watch as my health deteriorates and it makes him feel powerless and vulnerable and angry that there is nothing he can do to make the situation for me any better.  See I can understand him feeling lost, scared and alone during these times and there is nothing I can do to ease that burden from him.  The exact same thing is true for someone doing drugs and the other one not.  The person who is sober might think that they have the power to change the other person but they don't.  You are not a god, you don't have the power to rescue someone else.  The just don't understand that they are loosing not only themselves to it, but you as well. The hardest thing is for you to watch someone circle the drain.  Somewhere you have to be the stronger person and cut them loose and let them go.

2013 is about to start and you don't want to start it off on the wrong foot. There is nothing you can do to change either of the above situations, so inevitably you are going to have to walk away.  The situation is toxic for both of you and you are going to have to cut it loose or end up dragging yourself through the proverbial gutter.  It is hard to say these things because I know that they hurt.  But as sure as I am sitting here today, I realized that some situations are just beyond our control and reasoning. There is nothing I can do to alter either of the scenarios mentioned above.  This is for you, the one that asked me the question what to do if your partner has left you and decided that the drugs are more important than you. I have to tell you a hard truth, I am familiar with the world of drugs, and the effect that they can have on someone.  You are going to have to cut the string and let them go. No matter what happens from this point you must stay strong to yourself and your convictions.  If you give in know you have lost the battle.  I know this from experience once you give in and let someone back into that world it is virtually impossible to get them back out again.

I wish you the best of luck my friend. Because I know how hard it is at this time of year to be going through this alone, but believe it or not I am in a similar situation here in Los Angeles.  I can't go into details as I said earlier, but I do totally understand your feelings of isolation, loneliness and heartbreak at what you are going through.  I sympathize with you and I too am going to have to make a tough decision and pray that God will give me the strength to make it through this with my spirit and heart still intact. I hope you understand that you are not actually giving up on the person. It is going to take more than you to break the hold of the drug that has your friend.  I would never advise someone to give up on another person.  I am not giving up on my friend, I am not supporting or condoning his behavior, but I can't watch it tear apart my relationship and my life again. So if it takes me letting him go and moving on so be it. Lord is my witness that is the last thing I want to do. But, I know I can't make him change and I am not enough of a substitute.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

What To Do If You Find Yourself Limited

There are many things that can happen to you that limit your ability to do certain things or activities.  No one ever wants to admit that they are getting old.  That they physically are unable to do the things that they once were able to do.  It can even happen to a younger person due to illness, disease or an accident.  Hell we have people that fought in Vietnam, Korea or even in the recent and past Gulf conflicts that were injured, may have lost a limb, or been injured and now are physically impaired.  So what happens if something that you love and are use too has been taken away from you? That there is no way that you can ever be able to do that activity or function again.

Here let me digress a minute and fill you in on some rather personal information, some of you may already know, but here goes anyway, my big dark secret and a fear that I have been carrying around since June.  On June 13th I went in to the hospital to have another bowel resection, they were supposed to remove the colostomy that is acting as a mucus fistula and try and eliminate the ileostomy at the same time.  Now, this would have been wonderful and a dream come true.  But the reality of the situation is that there has been too many surgeries, too much inflammation, scar tissue and adhesions that have built up because of those surgeries, not to mention all the damage done to the tissue and the pelvic cavity from the radiation treatments.  What was discovered is that as soon as the scalpel starts cutting the abdominal wall, my blood pressure drops to dangerous levels, my breathing becomes erratic and my heart rate declines and my body starts to flat line.  Meaning that if they were to continue the surgery I would have died without any chance of revival.  This was the end of my dream and hope of finally being a whole and normal person.  I have been told recently that neither of the surgeons that have handled my situation in the past were willing to open me back up under any circumstance.  That it would take a skilled team of professionals to handle any further surgery that I may have.  Unfortunately in October it was discovered that the stricture that developed when they fused the two sections of colon back together has grown closed and that I would have to have another surgery.  This surgery is going to be extremely risky and may actually end my life. However, it has to be done, the mucus fistula is not working like they thought it would and fluid continues to build up on my pelvis.

Now, the reason why am telling you all of this is because of the simple fact that the colon has grown totally closed where it was fused is what is causing the fluid to build up. It also precludes me from having any type of anal penetration.  Further, the surgery during the emergency surgery that was performed in March, I was cut open from my breast bone down to my groin. Now I am talking all the way down to the penis, because of how deeply I was cut and the way that the muscles grew back together an inch or more of my penis is now indented. Which means that the length of it is now noticeably shorter.  This for the most part will preclude me from having sex with most gay men, due to the scarring and the length.  So overall in my mind I would have to say that sex for me is now completely finished, over and never to be had again. Seriously, this is a daunting proposition for me, because as people from my past can attest I love sex, it was an activity that I actually was pretty good at and have had some considerable practice at.  No I wasn't promiscuous or anything like that, but there was a time and a place where sex was something that I literally breathed.  This is just one example out of many others that I can throw at you. My mother had a friend named Jeanette, who lived to be 91 years old.  Up until she was 89 she was very active and vigorous in her daily activities and in doing yard work.  She got sick in her 90th year her, she suffered terribly from arthritis and COPD and various other factors that took her mobility and energy away.  However, she still demanded to take care of herself, lived by herself and up until her death held a license and owned a car, though like I said when she turned 90 she really couldn't drive anymore because of macular degeneration of her eyes.

In her case she missed doing the physical things, she was used to taking care of herself and her house. She prided herself on her ability to do those things and the weaker she got the more frustrated she would get. I actually moved home to help my mother take care of her that last year that she was alive, I drove everywhere and cooked and did as many things as I could for her so that she didn't have too.  I enjoyed helping her, but one day in January of 2010 she looked at me and asked me if she was a burden, how she wished that she could just die because she felt like she had to rely on others to do the most basic things and it was hard for her to admit that she was just not able to do everything by herself. My answer surprised her, I didn't think she was a burden at all, and I actually enjoyed the time I got to spend with her.  I learned things about my life and why I cared about people so much.  In a way, my limitations brought me to the realization that I may not be able to do all the things that a normal male of 40 can do, but there are other things, and that I have found someone that accepts and understands my limitations and loves me anyway makes all the difference to me in the world.  I have channeled my energy and passion of sex into caring and helping others. It has pushed me out there into the world to talk to others about my illnesses, limitations, expectations and how I handle them.  I have begun volunteering and helping others in a way that is rewarding and fulfilling.  However, I have found that being candid with others about my illnesses, and limitations has made it easier for me to accept and move past them.

What I have done is found another outlet for my pent up anxiety and frustration.  I remember Jeanette telling me that it is the simple things in life that brought her pleasure, and she would needle point or crochet for hours.  Since she couldn't carry or lift things anymore, or push the mower or plant a full garden, she took joy in the things she could still do, instead of planting a full garden she planted herb gardens in her window.  Planted strawberry plants in planters by her front door, she would crochet or needle point to keep her hands busy and her mind working on what she was doing. She occupied her time by things that she could still do that made her happy.  The concept I am trying to bring forth to you, is it is possible to turn and find alternative activities to do to compensate for those abilities and things you can no longer do.  I have a great mind and a terrific imagination, and I have figured out ways to compensate for my physical ability with activities and things that I can do.  This helps me rid myself of the anxiety I felt, it also lessened my feelings of inadequacy and by talking about it to others, and writing in my blog has made it something that I can almost accept totally and move on. I still have feelings of anguish over my crushed dream of being made whole, but I think in time those too will pass and vanish.  It also helps that I have found someone that cares enough about me to tell me that it doesn't matter to him, that we will face it together and will work out a solution.  Up until today, I had been keeping it from him, but when I told him my fears, he said the right things, and that it didn't matter that it was me he wanted, that it was me that has inspired him and made him a better person, but you wanna know the truth of the matter, maybe it is that we inspired each other and have given each other hope for a better life, and a happier one then we have known before.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have looked death in the eye several times this year, and it scared me, but somehow, I knew it wasn't my time to go yet.  But it brought into sharp focus my limitations and abilities, it also made me intensely aware of the fear I had hiding within myself. Just like Jeanette, I had begun to feel like I was a relic, no longer useful or productive and that I wasn't going to be wanted and desired by anyone.  Now, with that being said, those that truly know me can attest that nothing gets me down for long so I have bounced back and I have shifted my focus to what I can do, what makes me happy, what am I passionate about that I can pour my energy and my life into.  I have come to understand that having a terminal illness doesn't mean that you are going to die right away necessarily and that there is life after being diagnosed.  As I said at the beginning of this entry, there are just circumstances and events that are beyond our scope of control that can severely impact our lives and limit our abilities.  When that happens, we can't let the anguish and depression hold us back, we have to face those limitations without fear, using our mind and creativity and imagination to find ways to compensate or even supplement the loss.

Now I am fully aware that there is going to be a period of time when your mind and emotions are not going to deal with this rationally.  You are definitely going to go through the 5 stages of grief and remorse and will have to weather that storm, but eventually after you have passed through that you will find other activities and things that will help you take your mind off the limiting ability.  I have found that humor helps me deal with my situation and allows me to be perfectly frank and candid about my situation.  When I am talking to others, or filling out applications, and it comes to the question of sex, I say well I am a plant, I am neither male of female, I am asexual how would you like me to answer this question.  Or if they ask it another way, I say no not right now I am too sore, but maybe when I heal up we could attempt.  Levity and humor make the situation tolerable, and opens the door for me to talk to others about my illness and how it has actually affected me.  You never know where personal encounters are going to take you, or who else might be dealing with a similar situation and have been harboring the guilt and anxiety within themselves and has had no one that they can talk to or even laugh about it with.  My friends let me tell you that life is too short to stay quiet, get out there tell your story, embrace life and living and trust me you will be rewarded. Both emotionally, physically and spiritually.  I find the greatest joy in meeting new people and experiencing life through their eyes. Because as I have told you before we each feel, experience and see things differently, and if you take the chance to walk in someone else's shoes, guess what you might get blisters or sore toes, but you are also going to have a greater understanding of who that person really is.

My advice to you my friend is don't give in to despair, anguish, anxiety, guilt or any of the other hundreds of emotions that you might be feeling, don't wallow in self-despair and pity, change the variables, change the game, and like I told you yesterday you can change the way you think and react to things.  Find something new and different to do, find a new outlet, hobby or release that you are comfortable with, enjoy and make the change. Again, I will tell you if I can do it so can you.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Anger Management isn't about getting Angry, it is how you deal with the Anger!

There are a lot of things in my life that I should get angry about, and I do for a short period of time, but then I let it go and move on. One of the things that I have learned in my life is that Anger is an emotional response to a stimuli or irritation. Anger is a natural and safety response that the body has to rid itself of either the stimuli or the irritation.  For a short period of time anger focuses the mind perception and brings sharp relief to the problem at hand.  It needs to be dealt with quickly and efficiently, at the time of occurrence or it is a wasted emotion. Anger is not a constructive emotion it is a destructive emotion, it is basically a way to destroy or get rid of something that is bothering us.  Anger is an emotion that holds us in a state where we cannot move forward, or change until the situation is resolved. It is a wasteful emotion if it isn't put to use, channeled in a direction toward making things better.

Now when people talk about anger management they are not talking about the total elimination of anger, but the correct way in which to respond to anger and put it too use.  See, if we don't properly deal with anger, it can cause eruptions at the wrong time and place, and toward the wrong person.  Which is why in earlier entries I have said to you that holding in your feelings and emotions is harmful to yourself and those around you.  Anger is a very destructive force, and if not channeled in the appropriate direction can lead to many things such as increase stress, heart rate, headaches, hypertension and irrationality.  Anger is a the trigger that brings on irate behavior, screaming, yelling, arguments and can bring on physical confrontation.

I have an ex-boyfriend who took me home to meet his mother, which is a good thing I think because he was actually the first one to ever do so on his own free will. What is funny and entertaining about the situation is that the very first things she said to me was to sit down. She looked me straight in the eye and said too me, I have two words for you when dealing with my son, Anger management and marriage counseling.  I wish, in retrospect that I had heeded that advice and had taken her seriously, because our three and a half year relationship would have probably lasted much longer and we wouldn't have had so many fights. I also realize now that our relationship wouldn't have broken down and fell apart the way it did if we would have done as she had said.  I am happy to say that today me and him are very good friends we spent a great deal of time together over the last couple of years.  He is still someone that I think about a lot and whom I call when something happens in my life.  As a matter of fact I plan on calling him this afternoon once I have finished writing this little piece.

See the trick is not to get angry, but what you say and do while you are angry that is the key to the whole thing.  If you come at someone in a threatening manner with your voice raised, and not thinking logically, they are not going to respond well to you at all.  Further, if you remember my blog entry on "It's not what you say, but how you say it that matters" you will remember that immediately when you come at someone in a threatening manner, either physically or verbally, they also immediately go into defense mode. Once a person is in that mode, there is no rational or reasoning with that person. They don't want to hear it and they are immediately watching your every move waiting for the physical attack.  In nature mammals all react to danger in pretty much the same way. See we are primed with what has been dubbed the fight or flight mechanism. It is hardwired into our brain and nervous system.  It takes over primarily when we sense or feel a threat.  When that kicks in the body and the brain go into a hypersensitive mode where everything around us becomes extremely focused.  Time has a tendency to slow down and we can see and notice the minutest detail of the situation. We are expecting and waiting for the spring or pounce from the other person.  The mind literally is under the control of this response.  Not only is the response emotional it is also very physical as well. Literally the heart accelerates, the pulse quickens the eyes dilate and adrenaline pours into the blood stream and our muscles tighten ready to respond either in fight or flight.  This hyper-acuity and sensitivity give the victim the strength and stamina for a short burst of speed and enemy to try and escape their enemy or fight and mount an effective response/retaliation to the situation.

The reason why I am telling you this, is because I want you to totally be aware and understand that anger is a natural response, it is something that can be controlled and contained though, it can even be channeled into a more productive use if you can understand how it arises.  Hopefully making it easier to address and focus in another direction.  I know it can be done because I have seen how Sterling handles his aggression and anger now.  It is totally different from the way he used to deal with it and handle it when we were together.  As a matter of fact I can still see it when he gets angry, but I also watch and see how he processes it.  He bites the words off that initially jump to his tongue, he thinks about them consciously and rephrases them before they ever leave his mouth.  Just keep in mind that you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.  Try it sometime and I think you will be pleasantly surprised. You will get a more receptive response if you come at the situation free of your temper and anger.  People will be willing to listen to you more and be open and receptive to your words. Life is all about change, it is about growing and maturing. It is also about learning how to deal with others.  How to best get your point and opinion across is to come at someone with a smile on your face. It disarms them, they aren't expecting a fight or an attack that way.  Further, by having a smile on your face, it will be in your voice as well.

Follow me on this, have you ever been on the phone and had a really bad day?  I am sure you have several times.  Do you realize that the person on the other end of the phone line can tell by the tone of your voice what type of mood that you're in?  The answer is yes my friend they can tell when you are upset, angry and when you are in a good mood and happy.  It is betrayed by your voice and the tone that you use when addressing them. The reverse is also true, once you start to really listen to who you are talking to you can pick up signs of their mood from their voice as well.  Of course it is much easier to notice these things in person because as a person gets more upset you can see a stiffening of the muscles, the eyes twitch, the tone shifts abruptly. Body language is the most effective interpreter of another persons mood as you can find.  Learn how to read it and be very wary of the subtle shifts in stance and posture those are precursors to mood change.

The whole reason my I brought you down this path about moods, anger, anger management and temper is because, there are a lot of things that can get a person angry.  How you deal with that anger is important.  As I have been trying to tell you getting angry is a natural thing and not one that should be suppressed or buried it needs to be released or channeled in a more positive direction.  It my belief that anger management should be about changing the focus, direction and channeling that energy in a more positive and constructive manner.  I could be sitting here in anger stewing right now because I lost my job yesterday, and this morning my cell phone took a nose dive into the toilet, but I am not angry about those things.  At first I was a little worried because I have taken a big step and made a major life change and then it seems like tragedy struck.  But the truth of the matter is this.  I began thinking about my situation honestly and seriously with myself, and I came up to the simple fact that there is no immediate danger or damage done by me not having a job. I get paid on Thursday, I have $363.28 coming back to me for not staying at the hotel for the last two weeks of the month.  Plus my social security check will be here right around the corner.  It might be tight for a little while and I might have to do without furniture for some time to come, but at least I am in a situation right now where I am comfortable and I won't have to struggle.  I can work on getting furniture and other things later on.  As a matter of fact I am going to call my case manager in a few minutes and see if she has any ideas where I might be able to wrangle up some donated items.

My point to all of this is I am not bitter at my situation or angry, I will survive and move on.  This minor setback really changes nothing for me. I am still the same person, I still have accomplished the goals I had set for myself and I have done of that in a record amount of time. Now it is time to focus on the next phase and the goals I want to accomplish.  I had to take the emotion out of the equation to get to a logical focus.  I had to check my words and rephrase them so that I wasn't coming across as an angry or bitter person, and because of that I am going to get through this time and situation with minimal stress and I know that the situation will get better as time moves forward.

Please keep in mind that you have to keep your anger in check, divorce your feelings from it and come at the situation and problem logically and you will succeed.  Anytime you come at a problem full of anger and venom, I am afraid you are just going to be wasting your time and energy because you are going to put everyone else on the defensive, and your side is never going to be seen or accepted.  So change the focus of your anger and come at the situation with logic and facts and you will see a greater acceptance and reward for your efforts.  You cannot change the past situation, but you can change the variables of the situation so you don't have to go through the same things again.  Managing your anger is all about that, changing the variables so that your outcome is changed.  You can turn a negative into a positive if you try hard enough.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Open heart Open mind, Closed mind Closed heart!

While it will come as no surprise to you the second part of the title closed mind equals a closed heart, you can see how the inverse can also be accurate. Thinking back on the poem I wrote two days ago I came to realize just how powerful the mind really is.  For it is the mind that creates the walls that protect our heart from the pain of love lost.  Whatever the reason for the wound you suffered, whether real or perceived, the mind takes steps to make sure you have time to grieve and heal.  It creates invisible boundaries that keep everyone and everything out.  But what happens when the pain has dulled and time has healed the wound?  The answer my friends is nothing.  Those walls that have been built remain in place and if you don't understand this check out my entry "If these walls could talk...what would they say?" http://bryanzepp.blogspot.com/2012/07/if-these-walls-could-talkwhat-would.html

Our hearts are fragile things that can be bruised easily. Shattered if betrayed and trust is lost.  The wounds of love are the hardest felt and take the longest time to heal.  Then comes doubts and fears, you begin questioning everyone's motives when they enter your life.  A friend of mine calls this period the "Distrusting Factor", which can last a very very long time.  It is during this period that you find you can't trust anyone including yourself, because you are so afraid that whatever you went through is just going to happen all over again.  You tend to hold everyone you meet and could possibly care about at arms length.  You prevent them from getting too close to you both mentally and emotionally.

Now what happens if you meet someone or are introduced to someone and you are in this crippled state?  How do you think they are going to act and feel?  I will tell you, because I know from first hand experience.  They are going to like you and want to be with you, but because you are so closed off you are going to miss all the signs. They are going to feel like you ignored them and left them hanging.  It takes a very special and patient person to understand all of this.  They are going to have to loving and persistent if they ever hope to break through those walls.  They may even walk away and come back, because remember you have inflicted pain and wounded them whether it was intentional or not by spurning their advances and leaving them hanging.

This special person is someone who is strong and can get passed the pain and recognize that they need and want you.  In my case the person still has wounds of his last relationship but somehow tore down his own walls and dared to care and love again. His caring and understanding has been shown over and over again no matter how far apart we are.  It seems like every important moment that happens in his life, he includes me on.  I am usually the first one he calls or text to tell what happened and this is what has made me feel so special. It is through his persistence and unfailing efforts that the walls around my heart have finally started to fall.  The words of praise and encouragement that he extends my way about my passion and my writing is so amazing.  Especially because he is so talented himself that I stand amazed that he thinks I have even an inkling of talent.  His words over the past few days have brought in sharp relief that if I don't open my hear and trust my feelings again, that I might end up stuck alone with a closed mind and a closed heart.

How do you get to the point of opening your heart and mind? You may be wondering.  As with a lot of our discussions, you have to start within and work your way out. Now I admit that it is easier if you have someone that is already interested in you  that can help you tentatively stretch out the tender tendrils of love, trust, and caring.  But, if you don't have that you are going to have to find within yourself the strength to take the steps to put your heart and feelings back out there and try again.  Taking it slow is okay! Get comfortable trusting your feelings, learn how to feel comfortable returning someone else's feelings. Once you get to that point you are going to be amazed at how well that "Leap of Faith" paid off.  Once your heart is open and free to love again. Your walls around your mind will be gone for good as well.

You must confront and overcome your fears, suppress your insecurities and doubts, just put yourself out there. Remember, it is just like riding a bike, when your fall off you get back up and try again.  Give yourself encouragement by keeping in mind that you deserve the best, you have a right to be happy, to feel loved and love in return.  You are so strong and can do this...I have total faith in you!  Embrace life and love and do what makes you feel happy and feels good.  Remember it is never good to keep those walls up, because while they are there you are missing every opportunity to meet the right person, your soul-mate, your best friend that is always on your mind.  Before you know it, once you have found them you aren't going to want to let them go. You are going to want to be where ever they are and totally involved with their lives.

So remember open heart open mind, closed mind closed heart.  Take the chance, take a leap of faith, put your heart back on your sleeve and Love again! Because when you do you are going to realize that you are once again living! Because for so long you were just existing, getting by, being safe and never loving or being loved.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

What two things can keep you from succeeding at your goals and dreams?

Now I know that you know that there are more things that can keep you from succeeding. But the main two that I think of that can kill them before you even start are Fear and Jealousy.  Fear alone can hold you back, limit your reasoning to take risks that may be necessary to even start.  Fear can keep you from trying something new and exploring every opportunity and avenue that is presented to you.  It can also lock you in place because it causes you to doubt your own abilities.  Jealousy, whether yours aimed at others or their's aimed at you is the second thing.

Jealousy of others will keep you from focusing on yourself, your abilities and the opportunities that may be there for you because you continually compare where others are at and where you want to be.  You become so absorbed in their achievements and let everything in your own life slide.  Whereas the jealousy of others aimed at you can come in many forms.  They constantly put your down, nitpick your efforts or there is the discord and dissent that they sow around you.  It seems like a constant storm of drama that surrounds you.  Your temper flairs and all of your emotions seem to be on edge.  Your entire energy field is going to be totally out of whack.  It might even begin to seem that for each step forward you end up taking five steps further back, and when someone has it in for you it may seem like you never get a break.

There are ways to deal with these things and get your life back into alignment. So, with that being said, let's tackle these head on and see how we can handle them.  The first we discussed was fear.  As they say fear is really the the enemy itself.  You must face them head on. Confront them, stare them down! You may be wondering how you can do that? Easy!! Just put one foot in front of the other and keep going! Don't give up! Because the ally of fear is surrender, to give in to the hopelessness and depression that surrounds your insecurities.  Believe it or not the key to understanding fear is a greater understanding of yourself.  Fear is fueled by your insecurities and emotions of helplessness and despair.  Take heart in your abilities, do the best you can in every situation, approach new task with the understanding that something new and wonderful is waiting for you. Look at the new challenge not as a daunting insurmountable task but as a new learning experience as an opportunity for growth and understanding.  Before you know it, you will have mastered whatever it is and the fear that held you prisoner will be gone forever.

Next let's look at jealousy in it's various forms.  The first is so easy to conquer that you are going to wonder why it took you so long to figure it out.  But trust and believe once you have mastered it, jealously will never be a problem for you ever again.  The very first thing you have to realize is that not everything is as easy as it looks.  Just because when someone does something and makes it look easy, doesn't necessarily mean that it is.  Further, just because you think the perfect opportunity just fell in their lap, doesn't mean that it actually did.  This is probably just your perception of the fact, you can tell that it is jealousy because you find yourself wondering constantly how that opportunity fell into their lap and you continue to struggle just to make ends meet.  Keep in mind that the old saying the "Grass is greener on the other side", we all know that isn't true.  First off, if something looks easy for someone  maybe it is because they have different skills and experiences that prepared them for it.  Maybe, just maybe you didn't see all the hard work that they put into it. You didn't see their sweat or tears you just caught the end result. Keep in mind that each of us is different, our experiences are all different and so is our skill set.  When you finally take your eyes off of what you wish you had and where you hoped to be and focus on the things you have and where you are at.

You might just find you aren't in such a bad place.  As a matter of fact if you really look hard enough you are going to realize that you are exactly where you need to be!  I know you have heard me say it before, but let me repeat myself here.  In order for you to truly be prosperous, you must be content with what you have and be happy with where you are at in each stage of your life.  Look inside yourself, give yourself praise and credit for the accomplishments and achievements you have made.  Turn your focus from the outer to the inner and find your peace.  Not only will this eliminate the jealousy you feel for others, it will stop you from feeling like you aren't where you should be. It will also go a long way at defeating your fears.

The second form of jealousy that I talked about, we will just classify them as "Haters".  These are those that are jealous of you. A friend of mine shared a picture with me on Facebook today that summed up this perfectly.  It said "Haters don't really hate you, they hate themselves because you're a reflection of what they wish to be." They see all of your strengths and accomplishments and it sharpens their realization and attention on their own weaknesses and faults.  The best thing to do with these types of people are to keep them at arms length or cut them from your life totally.  Sooner or later you are going to realize that they really aren't your friend at all.  A friend would want you to succeed and be successful, they build you up and don't tear you down.  Anyone that is not building up your confidence and self-esteem or helping you reach the next level in your life really isn't your friend. They are what I call "Frienemies".

For more on what a "Frienemy" is check out my blog entry http://bryanzepp.blogspot.com/2012/07/frienemies-you-know-who-you-are.html

I would appreciate your comments and feedback on this and any other blog entries.  You can contact me directly at bryanzepp@gmail.com or via Facebook www.facebook.com/bryan.zepp2 or find me on Google +.


As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Pobody's Nerfect! You know what I mean?

I was thinking about this the other day, how we are all so hard on ourselves, how we judge others, and how we react to things that just simply don't go the way we think they should.  I think a great deal of this goes back to our expectations, and the perspective at which we choose to look at things.  Now, I know we have talked about both of these subject before so I am only going to touch on them again cursory I don't want to feel like I am preaching to you or trying to shove my opinion down your throat.  Because believe me we get enough of people trying to force their opinions on us all the time and the last thing you need is to read something that is forcibly trying to get you to think my way.

Now with that being said, the topics that I discuss seem to come to me at the time when someone who reads my blog needs them.  I guess that is the way things go in the world. Because as they say "the Lord works in mysterious ways".  So let me take one minute to shout out to those of you that have taken the time to write to me to tell me thank you that the topics have really touched you.  I really appreciate your comments and feedback as well as the words of encouragement that you so kindly have extended to me. If it wasn't for you guys, I wouldn't sit here and do this everyday.  But since there is a need that I am meeting I think I will continue to offer this service for as long as I can.

So on with the show so to speak.  I want everyone of you to remember that there is none of us, me included that is perfect in anyway.  Heck if we were we wouldn't be in the situations that we constantly find ourselves in.  The secret to understanding this is that as long as you can remember that you aren't perfect then just maybe you can remember that the person trying to help you isn't perfect either. That everyone, yourself included has things going on in your life that you don't let others know, and sometimes those events or circumstances overlap into your work life.  No matter how you try to separate your professional world from your home world they sometimes overlap and there is very little that you can do to keep that from happening.  However, when those days are upon you, try to change your focus just a little bit, put a smile on your face, because believe it or not that will carry over into your voice and your manner when your are talking to other people.

Always give the another person the benefit of the doubt, you cannot know what they are going through or have been going through because you are not in their situation. So be patient and understanding in how you deal with situations.  The old adage remains true today as it did yesterday, "You get more flies with honey than you do with vinegar".   Which is just another way of saying treat everyone the way you would like to be treated.  I know that at times when your emotions are high, it is really easy to forget these things and blow up at someone.  It is never easy to deal with things when you are upset. Sometimes it might be best to just walk away from the situation till you can address it in a calm friendly manner.  I know I am fond of telling you that you need to divorce your emotions from tense situations, and I know that at times it is extremely hard to do.  But if you do approach each situation from an analytical standpoint, I believe you will be able to handle the situation more efficiently and take out the personal aspects from your arguments.

I know that you have heard the term "walk a mile in someone else's shoes and see if you can do the same thing that they are doing."  Well, guess what here is my take on that, it is virtually impossible for you to walk a mile in anyone's shoes, because they are not going to fit your feet, you are going to either have your toes pinched and be extremely uncomfortable or you are going to get blisters on your heels, because trust me their shoes aren't going to fit, no matter how much you try to ram your feet into them.  By me saying this, I mean, my situation and your situation are always going to be different, you don't have the same kind of training I have or the experience, and I don't have yours, so my situation is always going to be a little different from yours.  You are definitely going to handle each situation you are presented with according to your skills and training where I am going to apply my own. Plus, you filter and process information totally different from me. You know why? Because we were raised totally differently, we have different experiences that color our past and give us our character.  Now, with all of this being said, I believe that if we approach each person, situation and event that we find ourselves in, from a logical standpoint, and leave the emotions out of it, we can intellectually understand and sympathize with the other person and make allowances for their behavior.  Now again, I don't expect you to forget when someone is extremely unprofessional and rude to you, but I want you to understand that there truly might be extenuating circumstances that you are totally unaware of. When you start thinking like that you will cut them some slack and give them some allowances for their behavior.  However, despite what someone else is going through they have the responsibility to act professionally at all times when on the job, so I would call them out on their behavior and make them aware of how they made me feel. I would do it in a not threatening way, because I for one don't like confrontation of any kind, but I would give them the opportunity to know that I am not amused with their attitude and behavior to me.  I have divorced my feelings from the situation so I haven't taken to heart what they have said to me personally, but I maintain my own professional decorum and let them know. Just me.

Now, onward and upward as they say. If you keep in mind that Nobody is Perfect, and that our mission in life is to try and seek out perfection one day at a time you might begin to see that you start actually thinking about things in a more positive way.  This is what I call a Positive Mental Attitude, I admit in myself that I know I am not perfect every morning, but that I am going to go out and find or seek perfection this day.  I am not going to be thinking about tomorrow, only today and that is my key to staying so positive. I don't let the cares and worries of tomorrow interfere, with how I am doing and feeling today, because I know that tomorrow is going to take care of itself when it gets here and that I have enough on my plate for today, that I don't have enough time to worry about anything more.

I also want to extend this type of thinking toward ourselves and those that interact with us, because my blog deals with inner reflection, the journey of self and the overcoming of our own personal issues. I try to make this blog understandable to everyone, I don't want to talk down to anyone. I want the stuff I write about to be easily read and comprehended by everyone, because believe it or not, I have lived through all of this and I am taking what I write about from my own personal experiences.  So with me re-iterating that lets move on to personal interactions and relationships.  Because here is where I find that we are always trying to find perfection. But, as I sit here I can tell you that no relationship, friendship or interaction is going to be perfect.  Because just like we are flawed so are those we have around us.  I find that I tend to gravitate toward those that are just as hurt and broken as I am.  I seem to find comfort in the companionship found in that group, and I also find that I can relate to their problems and concerns more easily. The difference is that I care about what they are going through and I am always eager to lend a shoulder for them to lean on or cry on which ever they need, and my ears are always open to listen to their problems.  Because I find that when I am listening to other peoples concerns and problems that I have some real advice that I can help them out with, and also it takes my mind off of my own problems for a short amount of time.  I also find that sometimes when I am helping them and listening to them, the answers to my own problems seem to pop right up and it makes it easier for me to try and cope with whatever I have going on at the time.

One thing that I have tended to notice when we are seeking potential mates we try to find someone that on some subconscious level reminds us of our father, or the father-figure we have had in our life.  When that happens we end up with the same problems and issues that we find with our own parents but on a more personal level.  I love the movie called "Straight Talk" which stars Dolly Parton and James Woods.  In the movie Dolly tells James Woods that the problem he has with his choice in women was that even though they all look different and are in different packages that they are all the same on the inside, "Corn Flakes".  This is a problem that afflicts most of us, the point that Dolly was trying to make is that we go for the same type of personalities, even though the person looks different on the outside, the inside remains the same.  It is an apt metaphor and one that we can all learn from. Because no matter what if we don't change our own inner perspective, and look past the outside of another person we are going to continually be involved with the same personality type.  We should know from past experiences that we don't socially get along with that type of person so we need to make the appropriate changes and look outside of our comfort zones.

Now, I want you to realize that this entry focus's on the idea that "Nobody is Perfect" or as I like to say "Pobody is Nerfect".  By that I mean everybody, ourselves included in that. So, as with anything else if we aren't perfect how can we expect someone else to be. For that matter, if we ourselves are flawed beings, doesn't it stand to reason that our relationships with others are going to be just as flawed as we are?  Yes it does!  The secret to all of this can be found in my journal entry on relationships "What it takes to make any type of relationship work".  But in a nutshell you need to accept the person for who they are, the good, the bad and the indifferent.  I know that sounds like something your mother would say, and something that is really hard to do in practice.  But here is the thing with that, you need to keep an open mind, you must be willing to change and be adaptable. Being set in your ways, being overly opinionated and nitpicky will not get you anywhere in your relationship.  Further, if there is something that bothers you about that person, you might want to try to work through it internally, and if you can't then move on, because if you try to get the person to change the habit or issue, which they may or may not be willing to do is going to cause problems in the long run.

I do understand that as a relationship grows and matures that each person makes sacrifices and subtle changes to accommodate their partner, however these are usually subconscious choices. If someone changes their whole life for you, leaves their friends and family behind because they want to be with you, and you continually push and drive them you are going to find yourself alone at the end because you have succeeded in pushing them away.  They begin to feel resentful thinking that everything they do for you is never good enough, and that you constantly want more and more, that you are never satisfied with anything.  Guess what they would be right on all of those things.  You have set your standards and expectations so high that no one could possibly live up to them. Adjust and refocus if they are really the person you are wanting to spend your life with.  Keep your drive and focus geared and set on your professional life and work especially hard not to let it interfere with your home life.  It is okay to be driven, unsatisfied and continue to want more in your professional life, that is called climbing the ladder seeking advancement, and it shows your employer that you are dedicated and ambitious, hungry and willing to do what is necessary to achieve the next level, but your partner isn't going to look at it the same way. Do not get caught up doing that to your partner, I had to find out the hard way, and it turns into a game to see who can outdo the other and in the long run, both of you get hurt, there is no winner and the relationship is going to be filled with regret, bitterness, resentments and unresolved anger.

It is important to recognize how you are handling your personal relationships, and act accordingly to ensure that the love that you feel is genuinely conveyed to your partner.  Strive to keep your home life and work life separated and while you might be ambitious and want growth, you can do it effectively if you include your partner and work together to achieve that next level as one. Ambition and motivation are great for the workplace, but in the home life, you want to make sure that it is inclusive and mutually beneficial to both of you or your relationship is going to suffer.  Always remember that your not perfect and neither is anyone else, and that the only way we can truly be happy is if we find it within ourselves, and when you do, it will carry over into everything you do.  Be content with what you have and happy with the things you have and you will see that your relationship will flourish and so will your professional life.

I want to leave you with my personal quote that is at the top of my resume: "All things are possible in this world if you only strive for perfection, one day at a time" - BrzII

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

You know it is alright to agree to disagree.

I am sure that you have heard somewhere before in your life that everyone has an opinion and they are entitled to it.  I have been following a lively debate on Google + over Chick-fil-A, and trust me my opinion hasn't changed at all.  It is alright to agree to disagree with someone over their differing opinion.  Who is to say that you are right or they are wrong or vice-versa.  See, in this country everyone has a right to say what their opinion is, regardless of who it hurts or is insulted by it.  But that is okay because you have the right to voice your objections just as strongly.  Where the problem comes in if one person is so opinionated that they try to force their beliefs on everyone around them.

It is true that everyone has an opinion, it is further true that sometimes those opinions should be unspoken to the general public, but hey who am I too say?  Sometimes a remark can come off as derogatory or even inflammatory, so be careful how you state your case.  I am not saying that you should hold in your opinion, unless of course it will get you killed.  Like telling the gunman that he is a bully and you aren't going to give him your money. I don't think anyone would do that anyway.  I am just recommending that if you have something negative to say couch it in a way where people aren't necessarily going to be offended by it.

One of my defense mechanisms is that I make jokes about people when they do something that bothers me.  Most of the time the person I am directing it at has no clue that I am annoyed, and it takes them awhile to figure out that the joke was meant to get them to stop whatever it is.  People that have known me for years can tell right off when it is getting bad, and usually try to warn the person off. Because if they don't get it the first or second time, shame on them because when I get to the point I can't stand it anymore I go off like a cannon and I usually tear them apart. Verbally that is, in the gay world they call it reading someone.

Anyhow, there are some people that disagree with some of the things that I write, and that is okay because I expect them too.  The purpose of me writing these things is to stir up conversation and to get people to think about the things that are going on around them.  I don't care if people see it my way or not. Because at the end of the day the only opinion that matters to me is my own.  So yes, I have perfected the right to agree to disagree, because I think it is healthy to talk about things and discuss them, because maybe in the long run both of us are wrong, but unless we explore and talk about it how will we ever know.

So the next time someone says something that catches you off guard, and makes you immediately think "No you are wrong about this", stop a minute don't say anything, listen to their opinion and in a kind manner explain your position.  Again, the point is this will save you from an argument, which trust me most of the time they are pointless.  Arguments are hard to win because it is almost impossible to persuade someone that what they think is wrong.  I am just saying. I have been there and I am one that likes to argue just for arguments sake really. I don't care if I am right or wrong, with some people I automatically take the opposite side, just because I can.  There are times when I like to play devil's advocate and chose to word my opinion differently than someone else's and if they aren't quick enough they start to argue, and all I have done is repeat what they have said back to them slightly different, and guess what, an argument breaks out.  Until I point out that I agree with them and just had been twisting it around so they couldn't understand it.  I know that is mean but it can be a lot of fun.

Anyhow, the point I am trying to make is this, your opinion is neither right nor wrong, it is just your interpretation of something is. Another person's opinion is also neither right or wrong, it is just how they see something.  Take the time to fully listen to the other person, don't interrupt or cut them off (because you know that is so annoying to have someone start talking right over what you are saying). Of course I have been known to do that to others, so I cannot condemn anyone for it, just saying it is annoying. Anyhow, if you can come to a point in a discussion to say I agree to disagree with you and leave it at that, neither side gets their feelings truly hurt and an argument may be avoided.  Unless you are hanging out with me and I don't let it go...LOL...Just kidding.  Anyhow, point is take everything you hear with a grain of salt, and keep what is pertinent and push the other stuff aside, life is too short, to fight over whether you were right or they were.

Anyhow, that is all I really have to say on the subject is that if you really care about people and the person who is talking to you, give them the courtesy of listen to them totally out, and if you want give your own impression, but if you disagree with their position, maybe the better part of valor is to just let it go and chalk it up to the game of life and move on.  As I said life is too short and the precious moments we have don't need to be shared in arguments.  I would say keep your opinion to yourselves, but that would be falling on deaf ears, especially since I cannot seem to do.  But be respectful of another's opinion and give them benefit of the doubt and then just let it go. What can it hurt? right?

Anyhow, this week has been tough been job hunting and trying to update my blog and write entries and then squeeze in doctors on top of all of it.  So, just remember your opinion is as right and true as anyone else's and if you want to share them you can, but when someone disagrees, be ready to agree to disagree and let it be.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Please keep in mind, you are very special

Last night a friend of mine posted on Facebook would anyone care if he just checked out of life and disappeared never to be heard from again.  This hit me pretty hard, because as you know I have been through so many things and I have at one time or another gotten to the point where I had wanted to throw in the towel.  I know exactly how he was feeling, been there, done that and wear the t-shirt to prove it.  You may not realize how your loss might affect those around you, those that know you and care about you. Sometimes people look at you and are inspired to try harder for themselves because they look at you and see a person who works hard and is successful.  Because to one person you might be even if you don't think so yourself.

I know how easy it is to look at your life and weigh it against your dreams and feel that you have fallen short.  How you can look in the mirror and see yourself as a failure, feeling despondent because you had imagined yourself being so much further ahead than you are.  I know how easy it is to look at your friends and feel a certain way because they seem to have made it to the place where you thought you would be and you envy them.  How depression can creep in and make you feel so much worse about your situation and how your frustrations builds, and you get angry and despondent, wishing that things could be different.  Then you mind starts going through the should haves and the could haves and you start to think that your life has been a sham and a waste.  Stop it! Look around you, weigh in the accomplishment you have made, the obstacles you have overcome and who you have in your life.  Because, someone out there is looking at you and is just as envious of you and what you have as you are of others.

It is never too late for you to start over again, to do something different, to achieve something.  Further, if you really think about it there is always someone out there that is worse off then you.  The trick is to stop beating yourself up over your perceived failures, stop being so hard on yourself and down playing your accomplishments.  You are still here and continue to try, and that alone is something worth being proud of.  You may never know who is looking at you, drawing strength from your life, and looking up to you as a role model.  You could be totally unaware of how much of an inspiration you are to someone else, because you are too busy feeling sorry for yourself and lack of accomplishments. There are people in your life that love you and respect you, and your loss would devastate them.

Think back to the movie "It's a Wonderful Life" starring Jimmy Stewart and remember the revelation he found out when the angle came to him and granted him the wish that he had never been alive, so many things were different and so many peoples lives were utterly changed and not for the better just because he had never been born.  The same goes for you! You can't possibly know how many times your smile, or a simple act of kindness that you displayed had changed someone's life or made a difference in some incalculable way. There is no random or chance encounters, people come into each of our lives for a reason, and they are there until it is there time to move on.  Some come in and last a lifetime others are just there for a small duration.  You may be struggling now, but someone close to you may have been through a similar situation and you might benefit from their experience and vice-versa.  Each of us has lessons to learn and stuff to teach, but we cannot do it if we get ourselves mired down in self-pity and regret.

No matter how you feel about yourself now, or where you stand on your journey. I know that each of us at some point or another thinks we have failed or are a failure. But here is the thing to keep in mind, who could have done it any better?  Look at what you had to come through, what obstacles and illnesses and tragedies you have braved and you are still going strong.  Take pride in your accomplishments, be grateful for what you have, seek the happiness within yourself.  When you can do that you are going to find that you are a very prosperous individual, and should be content with where you are at because maybe if you were further along, you might have missed a key aspect of your life that defines you.  Also keep in mind that there is no one else in the world quite like you. No one has your experiences, has made the choices you have made for the reasons you have made them, no one can understand the consequences and rewards you have endured on your journey.  Remind yourself of those you have helped along the way to realize their dreams, given them shelter, food, clothing or whatever. Trust me when I tell you that you are one of a kind, an original, you are a master-piece, a great work of art, made beautiful by your struggles and your understanding that you have gained along the way.  This makes you totally unique, and guess what unique things can never be replaced, they are precious and invaluable, and that is you!

Life is full of special moments, and sometimes we are so busy we miss them, or we let them pass us by because we didn't recognize them.  Whatever the case is, take the time and make some moments special on your own.  Celebrate things that you normally wouldn't, give gifts or be spontaneous, whatever, just wake yourself up and look at what you have done and come through, you will be amazed! And when you find yourself at a dead end with no seeming exit, every door is closed to you, then by all means open a window, make your own path, start a new adventure, because life is precious and short, and you owe it to yourself to make yourself happy.  Forget about what everyone else is doing and don't give a damn about what they think, because guess what are they paying your bills? Are they doing all they can to give you the world on a silver platter? I don't think so! Therefore their opinion doesn't amount to shit, and as I have said before only you can make yourself happy, only you can do for you, because in the long run, everybody is just looking out for themselves.

So, when that depression strikes and wraps around your heart and tries to make you think that you are such a failure, that you haven't accomplished anything, and that you aren't anywhere where you thought you should be.  Pull back, take a break and look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself. " I am special, I have come through much, I have so much and I am unique and irreplaceable."  Trust me you tell yourself enough, you will start to believe it. Because it is the truth, no one can replace you, no one can do what you have done, and no one will help as many people as you have. You are blessed and loved by your family, friends and all who know you.  God has blessed you and will keep blessing you each and every day of your life. Give thanks for the little things you accomplish, don't sweat the small stuff in life that you cannot control, and above all love yourself enough to pat yourself on the back and give yourself a compliment for a job well done.

Remember what my grandfather told me so long ago.  "A man leaves his mark on this world not by how much money he has or how many houses, or material possessions, but by how many life's he has touched, how many people he has helped, and those that remember him when he is gone. Your works will speak for themselves and those you have helped will know what you have done for them and remember you for your kindness and generosity, they will be your testimony and tribute to the world." There is always someone watching you, finding hope and inspiration from you, looking up to you and trying to be like you whether you know it or not.  So yes you are special, in so many ways.  Never ever think about giving up and throwing in the towel, because there are so many people believing in you and counting on you. You just can't see them all.

I hope you truly understand that you are loved and blessed.  You will never be forgotten and your works and deed will certainly outlive you.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Choices Are Us!

Sounds like a chain store doesn't it? Well last night I was writing about settling for less than what we want.  I told you to go for it, damn the consequences and make yourself happy, not to second guess yourself or beat yourself up for buying whatever it is that you wanted or needed.  But as I sat here today thinking about things, it dawned on me that life is nothing more than a multitude of choices that we have to make.  These choices, bring about decisions, and the path that we embark on here in life.

Choices make our day go by and help us feel that we have accomplished something. The problem with choices is that there are always consequences for them. You might remember me saying that "Anything worth doing isn't easy!" Which, believe it or not is the truth.  Believe me every morning you wake up and you have a million choices that you have to make.  There is never a situation that comes up where there isn't a choice that can be made.  You must look at all the options that you have, because sometimes the first choice is not necessarily the best choice for you or your life.  You must look at every situation and evaluate it carefully, think outside of the box and view every possible option and look at it from each and every perspective you can think of.  You know how precious life is and how short it is. You must think, look outside of the box and keep your options open.

What you need to understand is that sometimes we cannot see the consequences that the action takes quite a while to reach fruition, but believe me when I tell you that for every action there is a reaction, so too there must be a consequence for every choice.  Now, with that basic understanding you much also realize that not all consequences are bad, there can also be rewards for your choices. All a reward is the positive consequences of choice that we have made.  I don't want to be long winded about this subject but it is very important that you realize that for each and everything we do we are either going to receive a consequence or a reward depending on whatever decision or choice we have made.

In my blog entry entitled "A change of scenery might be what you need..." I explained that if you are in a pattern of behavior or a rut, you may just need to change your scenery or venue.  Meaning in order to make a clean break from what you are trying to escape you might need to move to a new place, change your friends or do whatever you need to do to make your situation better. You made a choice that got you into the present situation and the choice you are making now to get out of whatever it is will have greater and far reaching affects than you can imagine.  Now, no one said that any decision you make is going to be easy, that there aren't going to be obstacles in your way, or people trying to keep you held back.  What I am trying to tell you is that the benefits of your choice will outweigh the costs that you are facing. You may not see them or recognize them right away, but believe me they will come.

No matter what you are facing, if you let your emotions, depression or guilt cloud your judgement, you won't be able to address the situation correctly, and you might miss some choices that aren't readily foreseen.  As I have told you, for every choice that we are presented with in our life, there are a million different choices.  There is no single solution that outweighs any other, just the consequences and the rewards that we will have to face.  Therefore, if there are considerations that need to be made you need to tackle them objectively, and truthfully look for all possible solutions and directions at which to come at the problem from. Abstract thinking and thinking outside of the box require you to use rational thought, you have to be free from distractions and emotions.

Divorcing ourselves from emotions is a very important step in the process of determining which course of action we should take.  Because only if we keep our mind free of distractions can we truly focus on the problem or choice that we have to make.  In my blog entry "There is no right or wrong way to deal with a problem"  I go into some detail explaining that you have to review your choices before you make a decision, and that the key to finding all the choices that you have open to you is by keeping your emotions detached from the selection process.  Now this is a hard thing to learn, you have to understand that you have use the analytical  part of your brain.  You must come at the problem from every possible angle you can think of.  If you don't the situation becomes muddle and confused with anxiety, depression and sometimes guilt.

It is okay to feel those things and we all do.  The secret is how you deal with those feelings, and how you push them back so that you can think clearly and rationally about the problem at hand and the choice that you have to make. In other words, every decision, has several choices, and each choice can lead to several more decisions that have to be made.  Our brain is such a miraculous thing that it can analyze and compute all the decisions, choices, and all the variables associated with them in a blink of an eye.  When we really put our brain power to focus on one of these choices or decision we take conscious control away from the brain and we analyze it in detail.  This is the process that I am talking about, the split second decisions, the ones that need a response immediately sometimes cannot be process through with rational or analytic thought at all because they happen so quickly.  But other things like paying a bill and what pair of shoes to wear, are all things we can analyze and make a conscious decision about.

The only thing that I would like you to take away from this blog entry is this: that every day we face problems, and decision points that we need to evaluate and find the appropriate solution for.  In order to see all the choices before you, you really want to see all of them because you don't want to make the situation worse by making a bad decision.  That for each choice and decision we have to make there are a myriad of solutions in which we can act upon to remedy the situation. Therefore, with detaching our emotions and keeping an open mind you might find a workable solution to the dilemma or problem.

We have free choice of our own actions, and we can extricate ourselves out of the situations we have put ourselves in or allowed ourselves to be in.  It is just a matter of looking at the situation from every possible angle and making a logical and rational decision on how to handle and deal with the situation.

As Always my hopes and dreams are with you.

Uncle B.

Word Wounds May Never Fully Heal

A friend of mine called me tonight and we talked for quite awhile and during the conversation something was said about my ex saying something about me to his ex.  Now you know how things go, especially in the gay community with the "He said, She said bullshit" and I should probably blow this off.  However, what was said touched a raw nerve in me and the words cut into me very deeply.  Now, I have been trying to work things out between my ex and I , and I know that this thing that was said was done while we were not together, but it totally wasn't true, and if my ex really cared about me and knew my history he would never have made such a statement.  Cher said it best "Words are like weapons they wound sometimes!" and that is a true statement.

When you are wounded by words, your faith is shaken, your trust in people is warped and you feel altogether vulnerable.  Even if you defend yourself against what was said there are going to be some people that are going to give credence to what has been said about you because of your objections.  See, I learned from a really smart woman that if you disagree, you give credence to the allocations against you.  In her last interview Jacqueline Kennedy Onasis was asked about all the biographies that have been written about her, and the apparent discrepancies about her life.  Her reply was this "Why should I defend myself, I was there and only I know what truly happened, and if I voiced out and disagreed with them, some of the people would think that I had something to hide and defend upon, but if I keep quiet only those who were with me and I alone will know the truth and that is enough for me."

Very wise words from a very wise woman, see given her experiences and suffering that she went through she realized that by denying and putting up a defense against what was leveled at her and her life would just make people have a doubt about her.  But, by keeping quiet she took her secrets to her grave and the truth of her life unvarnished in the eyes of the public.  It is my hope that I can be as strong and wise as her.  Because you see words can cut, slice, shred and tear at ones heart and soul, and even time and distance only causes the hurt to scab over.  At sometime in the future a word or series of words will bust that wound wide open again.

Some of the time words that are said are said as weapons, filled with anger and hurt themselves and I think that is what gives them the power.  At other times, even a casual word between two friends can be taken the wrong way and cause pain.  Yet, another way is when something is told to another person behind your back and it was never intended to get back to you.  Either the person making the statement never thought you would hear it or they were trying to impress someone else at your expense, or worse yet, they were using you to manipulate a certain situation to gain favor.  Whatever the case may be the truth of the matter is that words do hurt and wound not only the heart, but the mind, body and soul as well.  Word can be cruel and bitter, they can do a great deal of damage, but the reverse is also true, a well timed kind word can build another person up and make them feel so good about themselves.

Please think about the words you carelessly throw out, because words have power and can be used to destroy or fortify a person depending on the way they are used. Take into account the source of the where they are coming from, and whether they are said out of anger or of love.  As I pointed out earlier if the words are full of anger and hurt, they are going to wound you deepest, but you must remember that they were said in the heat of the moment, and when things calm down they may be quickly taken back by the person who said them.  However, you must keep in mind that you may have said some things in return that were just as spiteful and hurtful as they said to you, and "I'm Sorry" only goes so far, and if used too many times, has no power at all.

If we repeatedly endure the same types of words, filled with anger, hate, and spite, telling someone you are sorry afterward, the person is going to stop accepting them, stop believing them, and become immune to them.  If you are truly sorry after everything has been said and done, and you have learned something about yourself and truly are sorry and seeking forgiveness, you are going to have to show them you are sorry, you are going to have to prove to them that you have changed and that you aren't going to abuse them with your words anymore.  This is a long, long process, and as I said before may never fully heal.  Now everyone fights, and gets angry, they lash out and say things they don't mean in the heat of a fight or argument, and that was what I was talking about when I said that you have to take into account where those words are stemming from, you have to remember the situation, because both of you may both regret the things that were said and the healing process will be that much quicker and smoother if that is the case.  But, no matter if what you are not the only victim here, in a battle of words and wit neither of you are the winner, you are both the looser's, and the victims, because both of you have said things and done things to hurt one another. The only way to reconcile is if you both are sorry and regretful of what was said.

Don't casually throw the word I am sorry around, because the more you use it the harder it is to convince others of their sincerity.  You may end up causing more damage with a half-hearted apology, and might never be able to reconcile things with them again.  When you care about someone and you have heard that they are talking about you behind your back, spreading lies, rumors or whatever the case maybe, again I ask you to consider the source, and if that person is reliable, you should go directly  to the person that supposedly said the things about you, confront them, but come at them in a caring and concerned manner.  Don't come in hostile and upset because you are only going to isolate and alienate them and automatically they are going to be on the defensive.  Take the time to cool down, let the hurt subside a little and bring it up in casual conversation at some later date, when you know your temper isn't going to flare.  If you come across this way you most likely will avoid causing a fight and making the situation worse.  No one ever likes to hear that someone has been talking about them, and that they things being said are totally untrue and fabricated.  They hurt, and you are wounded and you want to find out right away why they have said what they have, but trust me if you take the time to think about what was said and divorce your emotions from it, you can come at it without causing a fight and hurting each other more.

I started writing this because I heard from my friend that my Ex-boyfriend told his boyfriend that I had intentionally tried to give them Hepatitis C. Now, I had called my ex, to tell him that I was diagnosed with the virus because we had been having sex for several months together and I was concerned I might have passed it on to him.  Now, I haven't been sleeping with my friend or his ex so there was no way I could have given it to them.  So what could have possibly made my ex tell his ex that stuff, and then it dawned on me that either he thought that I may have given him a tainted needle or shared one with them, or worse yet, that my ex had been sleeping with his ex and that could have passed it on.  However, after starting to write this entry, I started thinking about the situation more closely and I figured out what the problem was and which of the two scenarios mentioned above it could have possibly have been.  Now, mind you I had tried to call my ex and talk to him, and sent him an email asking him to contact me because I was told something that needed to be cleared up.  But, now that I have been writing this and my emotions over the situation are gone and I know why what was said was.  It all makes sense and I am going to spell it out for you here. I have no shame and nothing to hide, so forgive me as I tell what I do know and why I was slandered in the way that I was.  Sometimes a person will say something to someone else in an attempt to save face, and cast blame on another person to throw off suspicion.  I honestly believe this is what was attempted here.

Mark which is my friend Gavin's ex, and Bobby which is my ex have been partying together, and apparently have had sex.  Even though both Greg and I have been told that it never happened, but the stories don't add up, and at this point it doesn't matter because we were all single at the time, however both Greg and I were trying to get back together with Mark and Bobby, so I am not sure how this revelation is going to affect Gavin and Mark, but I am going to let this go.  I love Bobby and I want to spend my time with him and I want to get to know the real Bobby, so in order to do that I am going to have to chalk this little rumor up to the game and then rest it. Because it isn't worth me getting worked up about or ruining any chance I may have of working things out with Bobby.  See anyone who knows me at all would know that I would never intentionally give anyone anything, because that is one of my biggest fears and concerns.  Further, I would never intentionally share a syringe with anyone trying to make them ill. I would sterilize it and clean it if there were no other options, as I have always done, I used to clean and sterilize my own before use because of what happened too me.

So now, that I opened the can of worms I am going to explain to you how I know what I know and figured out this little situation. First, let me continue with my story, in the July of 2006 I had a birthday party for a friend and it was the first time I had ever slammed.  Which means shoot up meth.  I had always been against trying it because I was afraid of needles, but once I experienced it, and the difference in the high and the length of time it lasted, it quickly became the preferred way for me to do the drug.  However in that first time was the mistake, because the syringes used between me and partner at the time were switched and I was given HIV, and it was done intentionally by another person.  So you see me doing that to someone else would be out of the question.  Anyhow, after Gavin and I got off the phone last night I realized that just a couple of months ago, shortly after the time I found out that I had Hep C and had told Bobby that I had it, he confided in me that he had syphilis, and recently I found out that Mark had given Gavin syphilis around the same time period, and I was on the phone with Bobby when he was going over to hang with Mark and party, they were supposed to call me back but I didn't hear from Bobby for a couple of days.  Putting the time line together after talking with Gavin made me realize that Bobby and Mark had been having sex and that is how Bobby got syphilis.  It also dawned on me that Bobby might have been afraid of giving Mark Hep C so told him that I may have given them tainted needles.  Now I am sure Mark doesn't think that because Mark knows my history and my fears about that, he also lived with me and knows how meticulous I am with syringes and how they have to be cleaned and bleached even when I am just throwing them away, and how they have to be put in a container so no one can get stuck accidentally and so forth.  But, for it to come to Gavin like that really hurt me.

Now I have told you that I am going to let this go and that I am not going to pursue this any further then this blog entry, and I intend to stick with that.  But, I hope you can see how casually throwing around words can hurt someone, and if what Bobby had said was to anyone else, who didn't know my history, wasn't my friend, you can see how differently this could have gone and how dangerous the words were.  I was hurting last night, and like I said feeling betrayed and devastated, but now that I have had time to think about things and figure out some of the lies that have been told to me.  I realize that a secret was trying to be buried at my expense.  I am not sure if Bobby and I will ever get back together there are other circumstances that are standing in the way, if it doesn't happen it will not be for the lack of me trying and won't be because of this questionable act.

I know that words hurt, they have power, and now you should too.  Be careful what you say, how you say it, and mind the tone and manner in which it is said.  All of these variable make a kind word into a damaging one.  Remember the pain a word can cause is as real as a knife wound, and they may never actually heal properly, but they can be gotten past.  Don't let your hurt and pride make you lash out on someone, divorce your feelings from the situation and come at it from a different angle so that it is non-threatening.  Above all else be mindful of how and how often you use the words "I am Sorry" because as I have said they become meaningless the more they are used.  Learn how to forgive, never forget, and move on. You will be that much happier in the long run when you can do that.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B