Tiny Boxes

I am sitting here tonight and I have dark thoughts running through my head.  Earlier today I was reading about star that have gone out of our lives by suicide.  Robin Williams was always someone that cheered me up and brightened my mood, no matter what he was performing in I was always interested.  He is gone by his own hand and it got me to thinking about the tiny boxes that surround each and everyone of us.  The boxes I am referring to are boxes we are placed in by others through stereotypes and labels.  Yet, that is just one type of box, I look out my window and I see all the boxes others live in and these too interest me.  But, no matter the type of box each one of them has a story hidden inside.

Most people never look behind the labels or stereotypes to see the person that is staring back at them, and in our own homes there is a drama all of our own that is also obscured and unseen.  It is getting dark outside now and the light in each window are coming on and I wonder if the people behind them are thinking about me like I am sitting here thinking about them.  I am not a solitary person, have never liked to be alone and have never experienced for any length of time being on my own and alone.  My story intersects with a so many different lives that I sort of have a vicarious life through them.  But these boxes hold secrets, tears, pain, fears, longings and so many other things that I cry out feeling for each one wondering who is in their life that is helping them deal with life and existence.

I have been categorized so many times in my life that I defy one specific stereotype, but yet I still feel isolated and alone.  I sit here with my computer and reach out in to the night hoping that someone out there is in a better circumstance just because they know me.  I wonder how many lives I have helped, changed, inspired or nurtured and might they remember me after I am gone.  When I am left alone too long I start to fear that I haven't done enough, been enough or hear enough.  I cry on the inside because I cringe and am afraid of myself and who I am.

So many people on Facebook and throughout my life have passed on through few have ever taken root and stayed for any length of time, and I wonder is it me?  Could I have been more? done more? said more? felt more?  I don't think I will ever know.  I have been myself and that is all that anyone can ask for.  Those few who have taken root and who are still around and in my life today our relationship has changed, we are scattered far apart and we only talk every once in a while maybe by phone, email, facebook or text, but it just isn't the same.

So as I write to you tonight I want you to think about the people around you that are at home in there tiny box, think about their story, their truth, because each and every light on in those windows has a person behind it and a story that is uniquely their own.  Just like you and I have.  I would encourage you to be a helper, companion, friend, someone others can talk to and depend on.  I think if we can all do that and break down the walls that separate us the world will be a much happier and prettier place.

I don't want to die alone or feel like I am not cared for or loved, because I know that I am.  But so are each of you.  We have to get past those boxes, those walls that separate us and reach out to others, we are social creatures and we need others around us and in our lives, or at least I do.  I am thinking about all of you tonight as I sit in my chair here in my home all alone and wonder what is you are doing while I am writing?  I don't think anyone really ever wants to be alone or intends to be alone it just sort of happens and as we get older, it is hard for us to socialize and get around.  Maybe take a trip to a nursing home and visit some of the folks shut in there.  Each one of them has a history and a past, a story that they can share with you and trust me you will be better for hearing it and being a part of their life.

Bette Midler had a song called "Hello in There"  and if you really listen to the song she is telling the story of how as people get older they are sometimes alone and forgotten, I don't want to be forgotten, and I definitely don't want to be alone, but I have no children of my own, and my brother is far away, and most of my friends are either in another state or another city and I don't get to see them much at all.

We need to take care of one another we are the only ones that can.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Word Wounds May Never Fully Heal

A friend of mine called me tonight and we talked for quite awhile and during the conversation something was said about my ex saying something about me to his ex.  Now you know how things go, especially in the gay community with the "He said, She said bullshit" and I should probably blow this off.  However, what was said touched a raw nerve in me and the words cut into me very deeply.  Now, I have been trying to work things out between my ex and I , and I know that this thing that was said was done while we were not together, but it totally wasn't true, and if my ex really cared about me and knew my history he would never have made such a statement.  Cher said it best "Words are like weapons they wound sometimes!" and that is a true statement.

When you are wounded by words, your faith is shaken, your trust in people is warped and you feel altogether vulnerable.  Even if you defend yourself against what was said there are going to be some people that are going to give credence to what has been said about you because of your objections.  See, I learned from a really smart woman that if you disagree, you give credence to the allocations against you.  In her last interview Jacqueline Kennedy Onasis was asked about all the biographies that have been written about her, and the apparent discrepancies about her life.  Her reply was this "Why should I defend myself, I was there and only I know what truly happened, and if I voiced out and disagreed with them, some of the people would think that I had something to hide and defend upon, but if I keep quiet only those who were with me and I alone will know the truth and that is enough for me."

Very wise words from a very wise woman, see given her experiences and suffering that she went through she realized that by denying and putting up a defense against what was leveled at her and her life would just make people have a doubt about her.  But, by keeping quiet she took her secrets to her grave and the truth of her life unvarnished in the eyes of the public.  It is my hope that I can be as strong and wise as her.  Because you see words can cut, slice, shred and tear at ones heart and soul, and even time and distance only causes the hurt to scab over.  At sometime in the future a word or series of words will bust that wound wide open again.

Some of the time words that are said are said as weapons, filled with anger and hurt themselves and I think that is what gives them the power.  At other times, even a casual word between two friends can be taken the wrong way and cause pain.  Yet, another way is when something is told to another person behind your back and it was never intended to get back to you.  Either the person making the statement never thought you would hear it or they were trying to impress someone else at your expense, or worse yet, they were using you to manipulate a certain situation to gain favor.  Whatever the case may be the truth of the matter is that words do hurt and wound not only the heart, but the mind, body and soul as well.  Word can be cruel and bitter, they can do a great deal of damage, but the reverse is also true, a well timed kind word can build another person up and make them feel so good about themselves.

Please think about the words you carelessly throw out, because words have power and can be used to destroy or fortify a person depending on the way they are used. Take into account the source of the where they are coming from, and whether they are said out of anger or of love.  As I pointed out earlier if the words are full of anger and hurt, they are going to wound you deepest, but you must remember that they were said in the heat of the moment, and when things calm down they may be quickly taken back by the person who said them.  However, you must keep in mind that you may have said some things in return that were just as spiteful and hurtful as they said to you, and "I'm Sorry" only goes so far, and if used too many times, has no power at all.

If we repeatedly endure the same types of words, filled with anger, hate, and spite, telling someone you are sorry afterward, the person is going to stop accepting them, stop believing them, and become immune to them.  If you are truly sorry after everything has been said and done, and you have learned something about yourself and truly are sorry and seeking forgiveness, you are going to have to show them you are sorry, you are going to have to prove to them that you have changed and that you aren't going to abuse them with your words anymore.  This is a long, long process, and as I said before may never fully heal.  Now everyone fights, and gets angry, they lash out and say things they don't mean in the heat of a fight or argument, and that was what I was talking about when I said that you have to take into account where those words are stemming from, you have to remember the situation, because both of you may both regret the things that were said and the healing process will be that much quicker and smoother if that is the case.  But, no matter if what you are not the only victim here, in a battle of words and wit neither of you are the winner, you are both the looser's, and the victims, because both of you have said things and done things to hurt one another. The only way to reconcile is if you both are sorry and regretful of what was said.

Don't casually throw the word I am sorry around, because the more you use it the harder it is to convince others of their sincerity.  You may end up causing more damage with a half-hearted apology, and might never be able to reconcile things with them again.  When you care about someone and you have heard that they are talking about you behind your back, spreading lies, rumors or whatever the case maybe, again I ask you to consider the source, and if that person is reliable, you should go directly  to the person that supposedly said the things about you, confront them, but come at them in a caring and concerned manner.  Don't come in hostile and upset because you are only going to isolate and alienate them and automatically they are going to be on the defensive.  Take the time to cool down, let the hurt subside a little and bring it up in casual conversation at some later date, when you know your temper isn't going to flare.  If you come across this way you most likely will avoid causing a fight and making the situation worse.  No one ever likes to hear that someone has been talking about them, and that they things being said are totally untrue and fabricated.  They hurt, and you are wounded and you want to find out right away why they have said what they have, but trust me if you take the time to think about what was said and divorce your emotions from it, you can come at it without causing a fight and hurting each other more.

I started writing this because I heard from my friend that my Ex-boyfriend told his boyfriend that I had intentionally tried to give them Hepatitis C. Now, I had called my ex, to tell him that I was diagnosed with the virus because we had been having sex for several months together and I was concerned I might have passed it on to him.  Now, I haven't been sleeping with my friend or his ex so there was no way I could have given it to them.  So what could have possibly made my ex tell his ex that stuff, and then it dawned on me that either he thought that I may have given him a tainted needle or shared one with them, or worse yet, that my ex had been sleeping with his ex and that could have passed it on.  However, after starting to write this entry, I started thinking about the situation more closely and I figured out what the problem was and which of the two scenarios mentioned above it could have possibly have been.  Now, mind you I had tried to call my ex and talk to him, and sent him an email asking him to contact me because I was told something that needed to be cleared up.  But, now that I have been writing this and my emotions over the situation are gone and I know why what was said was.  It all makes sense and I am going to spell it out for you here. I have no shame and nothing to hide, so forgive me as I tell what I do know and why I was slandered in the way that I was.  Sometimes a person will say something to someone else in an attempt to save face, and cast blame on another person to throw off suspicion.  I honestly believe this is what was attempted here.

Mark which is my friend Gavin's ex, and Bobby which is my ex have been partying together, and apparently have had sex.  Even though both Greg and I have been told that it never happened, but the stories don't add up, and at this point it doesn't matter because we were all single at the time, however both Greg and I were trying to get back together with Mark and Bobby, so I am not sure how this revelation is going to affect Gavin and Mark, but I am going to let this go.  I love Bobby and I want to spend my time with him and I want to get to know the real Bobby, so in order to do that I am going to have to chalk this little rumor up to the game and then rest it. Because it isn't worth me getting worked up about or ruining any chance I may have of working things out with Bobby.  See anyone who knows me at all would know that I would never intentionally give anyone anything, because that is one of my biggest fears and concerns.  Further, I would never intentionally share a syringe with anyone trying to make them ill. I would sterilize it and clean it if there were no other options, as I have always done, I used to clean and sterilize my own before use because of what happened too me.

So now, that I opened the can of worms I am going to explain to you how I know what I know and figured out this little situation. First, let me continue with my story, in the July of 2006 I had a birthday party for a friend and it was the first time I had ever slammed.  Which means shoot up meth.  I had always been against trying it because I was afraid of needles, but once I experienced it, and the difference in the high and the length of time it lasted, it quickly became the preferred way for me to do the drug.  However in that first time was the mistake, because the syringes used between me and partner at the time were switched and I was given HIV, and it was done intentionally by another person.  So you see me doing that to someone else would be out of the question.  Anyhow, after Gavin and I got off the phone last night I realized that just a couple of months ago, shortly after the time I found out that I had Hep C and had told Bobby that I had it, he confided in me that he had syphilis, and recently I found out that Mark had given Gavin syphilis around the same time period, and I was on the phone with Bobby when he was going over to hang with Mark and party, they were supposed to call me back but I didn't hear from Bobby for a couple of days.  Putting the time line together after talking with Gavin made me realize that Bobby and Mark had been having sex and that is how Bobby got syphilis.  It also dawned on me that Bobby might have been afraid of giving Mark Hep C so told him that I may have given them tainted needles.  Now I am sure Mark doesn't think that because Mark knows my history and my fears about that, he also lived with me and knows how meticulous I am with syringes and how they have to be cleaned and bleached even when I am just throwing them away, and how they have to be put in a container so no one can get stuck accidentally and so forth.  But, for it to come to Gavin like that really hurt me.

Now I have told you that I am going to let this go and that I am not going to pursue this any further then this blog entry, and I intend to stick with that.  But, I hope you can see how casually throwing around words can hurt someone, and if what Bobby had said was to anyone else, who didn't know my history, wasn't my friend, you can see how differently this could have gone and how dangerous the words were.  I was hurting last night, and like I said feeling betrayed and devastated, but now that I have had time to think about things and figure out some of the lies that have been told to me.  I realize that a secret was trying to be buried at my expense.  I am not sure if Bobby and I will ever get back together there are other circumstances that are standing in the way, if it doesn't happen it will not be for the lack of me trying and won't be because of this questionable act.

I know that words hurt, they have power, and now you should too.  Be careful what you say, how you say it, and mind the tone and manner in which it is said.  All of these variable make a kind word into a damaging one.  Remember the pain a word can cause is as real as a knife wound, and they may never actually heal properly, but they can be gotten past.  Don't let your hurt and pride make you lash out on someone, divorce your feelings from the situation and come at it from a different angle so that it is non-threatening.  Above all else be mindful of how and how often you use the words "I am Sorry" because as I have said they become meaningless the more they are used.  Learn how to forgive, never forget, and move on. You will be that much happier in the long run when you can do that.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

There is no right or wrong way to deal with a problem or situation

Last night we were talking about relationships and the secrets to making them long lasting and workable.  Yet, here is another insight that you need to consider when dealing with issues that arise in a relationship, and trust me they can be as many and varied as any other types of problems or issues.  The secret here is that there is no predefined way to deal with them, the solutions are as varied as the issues themselves.  Be flexible and think, because if you really try you will find that there are so many options and choices to deal with the issue.  Don't always settle for the first thing that comes to mind, because you might end up regretting it later.  Take the time to think outside of the box and look at the problem from all sides and angles.  The best thing to do is divorce yourself from the problem and tackle it from a logical standpoint.  You will be able to address the situation more effectively and efficiently if you come at it from a standpoint where your emotions are not involved.  Take the time to distance yourself from the problem, search for the root cause and deal with that issue and then tackle the symptoms and ramifications afterward.

A line from one of my favorite movies is "A problem is not as permanent as the solution." For a long time I didn't understand what that meant, and took the easy way, or the path of least resistance and work to deal with the current issue not the underlying cause of the issue. So by ignoring the original problem and just putting out the fires that the issue caused, I was in effect treating the symptoms and not the root cause.  This would be like a doctor throwing a bunch of antibiotics in your system to deal with an infection and not first finding out what type of infection it was and taking the time to find the right antibiotic to deal with the infection, just hoping to get lucky with the barrage of antibiotics hoping that at least one of them would do the trick.  In the above example the doctor might get lucky and one will help, reduce the symptoms and might alleviate the problem for a little while, but if it wasn't the right one, and the root infection wasn't treated correctly or properly the chances are that once you stop taking them or run out of the antibiotics, the infection will come back stronger than ever.  This type of hit and miss treatment is not good for your body, and you can start to build up a tolerance to the many different types of antibiotics.  The same happens to you when you try to handle situations and problems the same way, you become immune to the solutions and the problems come back with a vengeance.

As I have told you there are as many ways to deal with a problem, issue or challenge as there are types of problems.  You must use your head, separate yourself from the feelings associated with the issue, look at the situation from every possible angle, talk about the problem, get feedback from your partner and come up with a workable solution that not only addresses the symptoms but the actual root cause itself. Remember that two heads are better than one and brainstorm together, reach a compromise solution together, don't be afraid to try some unconventional solutions, be creative and inventive, and keep the level of communication open.  The worst thing you can do is alienate your partner by trying to assign blame.  Be adult enough to realize that the issue, situation and problem is affecting both of you, that no matter who is at fault it is going to take both of you working together to get yourself out of the messy situation.  Keep in mind that what's done is done and cannot be undone.  Assigning blame cannot benefit anyone and will actually probably cause more issues in the long run. If you work together peacefully and logically versus emotionally you might be surprised at how easy it was to deal with the issue.

The biggest issue that relationships face these days is the one dealing with money.  There is never enough money to go around or the bills are coming in faster than the money to pay them, or some other type of variation. There are ways to deal with situations like this that will keep harmony in the house.  Communication is key to dealing with this issue. You have to come at these types of situations analytically, removing the emotional feelings that are associated with it. You must keep from assigning blame, and work together to come up with a solution.  One thing you might think about is setting aside specific credit cards or accounts for personal use, that each party is personally responsible for. Or some other compromising solution, it is okay to think abstractly and try many different types of solutions, work together to come up with a budget that you both can accept and continue to work at it.  Remember that the problem didn't occur overnight that it took time to build up to become an issue or problem so it might take just awhile to resolve as well. Trust me when you take the time to handle things and deal with them permanently the better off you will be.  Working together to deal with the issue is going to make your relationship that much stronger, both of you are going to feel an equal partnership and it is going to be rewarding that you have effectively dealt with it.

As I said when I started this entry there are no hard and fast rules that apply to handling situations that might crop up or occur, you have to deal with them individually, and you must take into account all the variables and aspects of the issue.  Communication between you and your partner is vital, and working together to come up with a solution that is both attainable and agreeable is paramount.  Making sure that assigning blame doesn't become an issue and make the situation worse is also key to ending up with favorable results.  Money matters are always going to be a problem and they don't get easier, but you must maintain a strict discipline when dealing with them, acknowledge that both of you are at fault and work together to come up with the answer.  As I said a solution is more permanent then the problem, try as many options as you can think of, work backward if you have too. Be patient and understand that it may take time and hard work to achieve the desired result, but in the end you will be glad you did.

If you read the earlier blog entry on making relationships work, I stress over and over again that you have to be flexible willing to change, adapt to new and arising situations, you have to talk to one another and come at the problem together, maybe even try coming at it from two different sides, whatever it takes to make the problem finally and totally disappear.  Don't be afraid to compromise and think outside the box, be willing to take a risk and see if it won't pay off.  Don't alienate yourself from your partner, and include them in the decision making process, make it  both of your problems and both of you take total ownership for it and responsibility, because when you do both of you feel like you are invested and have some degree of control over it the happier you both will be.

I think you will find that when you work together, great things happen. When you talk about the issues and are genuine and matter of fact about both of your involvement, assigning blame becomes harder and almost impossible. You both will feel better, the stress will be less in your relationship and you will feel a sense of accomplishment that you haven't felt before.  Don't hold grudges or use guilt as a weapon, and because you have separated your emotions and feelings from the situation you will find that it has become that much easier to talk about, tempers won't flair and things that are discussed and thought about in a calm relaxed way will have a greater tendency to work out faster and better than before.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

What it takes to make any type of relationship work

The divorce rate in the United State is steadily climbing, there doesn't seem to be a social stigma associated with divorce these days, and the trend to leave the problem versus trying to find a acceptable solution seems to have become the standard.  Trust me when I tell you that this concept has come from years of trial and error, mistake upon mistake, and really the answer was right in front of my face the entire time.  The term relationship is being used in the broadest term here to include every type of relationship whether sexual, friendship, companion, acquaintance and so forth.  Relationships are fragile things at first, full of awkward moments and situations. It takes time and patience to cultivate long standing relationships.  I know you have all heard people saying that if you are in a relationship you have to learn to compromise.  Unfortunately, this is only a part of the equation when it comes to making a long lasting relationship.

There is a way to make permanent and lasting relationships, but it is going to take work and effort on your part.  I know you have been told in the past that the secret to a successful relationship was compromise, and it is a key ingredient, but I think along with compromise you have to be totally open minded. You have to be willing to accept new things and make changes to accommodate the relationship.  This is more than just being willing to compromise. You have to be willing to look at things differently, you are going to have to work at accepting the other persons inputs and suggestions, and it is learning how to keep your opinions to yourself and not let the little things bother you.  I realize that many of you have habits and certain ways of doing things, this is what helps make you who you are.  But, by being open to the other persons suggestions, criticisms and the way they do things you might realize that some of the things that you do could be done differently and more easily.  Honestly, the big thing here is communication and understanding.  Not trying to make your friend or partner conform to your ideal way of doing things, relaxing your control.

Control is a major issue and something that you have got to learn to give up, you have to have trust and faith that the other person is doing what they can to help you and make the situation better.  Control is a thing that can make or break a relationship, when you relax your control and expectations you will find that talking about issues and coming up with workable solutions becomes much easier.  Further, you are going to be able to share everything, your possession, you time, your life and money and there is going to be a lot less friction. It is hard to release control, it is hard to surrender to someone else, but if you honestly trust that person you will get there.  I will be honest this was the hardest thing for me. I never wanted to share things, what was mine was mine and if you wanted to use something you had to ask.  This is not a conducive behavior to make for a lasting sexual relationship, it may be okay for friendships but a true partner is the joining of two individuals into one.

So here we are talking about relationships and issues, but what I want to talk about is how to make them work and last the test of time.  I have friends that I met in high school that I am still friends with today. One of them is my best friend John, we have been friends forever. He may disagree with me on the exact number of years but it has to be getting close to 15 or more years by now. Because I lived in Atlanta for 13 years and we knew each other before I ever went to Atlanta.  He also came up there and we went to school together.  So it has been a long time.  But the secret to this is that we have been there for each other, we each have given time and support to each other and we continue to do so to this day.  But, how does it all begin? How do you approach a friendship or relationship in a manner that is conducive to cultivating a life long result?  Well, honestly it helps if you have common goals and interests, likes, and can spend time with one another, you get to know the person and you are open and honest with them and let them get to really know you.  You share everything, your hopes, dreams, secrets, loves, interests, desires, truly everything...holding nothing back.  This is the best way to really develop the type of relationship that I am talking about.

Remember that when two people come together it is usually for the benefit of each ones need to complete something or reach a common goal.  In a sexual relationship this might be ending your loneliness and building a life and home together...or whatever.  But remember this partnership is just like a corporate partnership. Each one has to do their part and give their support when and where it is needed in order for it to succeed. As you get to know the other person and them you, and you are honest and open with them and show them your real self, a deep form of trust is developed and that is the foundation on which you are going to build from.  It is so important to be truly open and honest with the other person, to really let your walls down and let them get to know the real you.  Let them know the good parts as well as the bad parts. Equally they have to do the same with you in order for this to work.  Trust me as time goes by you are going to see that they have accepted you for who you are, they enjoy being around you sincerely, they understand you and accept your strengths and your weaknesses, they tolerate your flaws, and guess what they know you well enough that they can speak their mind and truly let you know how they feel.  You can accept there comments and criticism knowing that they are not trying to hurt you that they are trying to keep you from getting hurt or walking into danger. These are the people that would take a bullet for you just because they love you and don't want to see you hurt.  They are there for your when your world is crashing down around your ears and they are the ones that are with you when you start to pick up the pieces and rebuild your life again.

How did you get that way?  I will tell you! You came to accept them totally and fully for who they are, you understand them, and you know what they are thinking and how they are going to react to different situations.  You realize that over the time you have spent together that you and they react the same and feel the same in just about all situations. You are kindred spirits, partners, and somehow they have become your best friend. It won't be long till you realize that you don't want to live with out them, and that you probably couldn't.  When entering into a sexual relationship you really need to take the time and make them a friend and build and grow from there.  Let me be totally frank with you, if you take it slow and enter every contact with a person the same way, with the intention of making a life-long friendship you might be surprised to find that your relationships are going to be more solid and last a lot longer.  I know this because up until a couple of years ago that is how I handled my life and situations and I was in two 7 year relationships, a 5 year relationship then a 12 year relationship.  So, it can work just like I said.  The problem was for me that somehow I lost myself and got wrapped up in the 12 year relationship that I didn't follow the right process.

The funny thing about relationships, is that they all can vary in nature, and have a very delicate balance within them.  If something happens that is unexpected and you and your partner are not ready for the change, everything can turn upside down immediately and if your aren't of the same mind you will never be able to get it right again.  For example in my 12 year relationship, I was the one that made the least amount of money, I was the one that sort of relied and depended on the other person for support and guidance, and when I went to school and got my masters degree, and the money situation changed and I was the one make the most money and wanted to control the direction of things, everything went out of balance, and neither one of us were prepared for the change, and one of us wanted to be in control and the other one was used to being in control..things just never worked out or got better.  The problems was we forgot how to communicate, held in what was bothering us, our goals and dreams had seemed to change, but honestly that was an illusion.  We both still wanted the same things but couldn't navigate the changing structure and nature of the relationship and fighting and discord became common place.  We ended up throwing it all away.

The simple fact that the person that has the least interest in the relationship has the most control over the relationship, and when the balance is compromised if you both don't come together to hammer out the issues and address them quickly you will find yourself in a similar situation like the one that I described above.  Within a very short time, if you don't work together, and don't find a workable compromise and solution to the issues that are threatening your relationship you could end up loosing it all, and most importantly the person that you cared about.

So what do we know? We know that a relationship is the partnership of two individuals that have decided for whatever reason that they are going to help each other achieve the next level of life together.  We know that there has to be a mutual interest and plenty of compromise to fit these two individuals together, so that they mesh well. That they have similar likes and dislikes, dreams and goals and that are striving to build something lasting together.  That they trust each other, and have taken the necessary steps to work on building that trust.  That they are open and communicative with one another.  That they are willing to work on their issues rather than walk away and have to start all over again.  We know that they are both open minded and willing to try new things together, they aren't afraid to take risks and grow together as one person.  We know that when threatened they pull together and defend one another.  That they are willing to show how much they care for the other person and that they want to be partners.  That they are willing to share and support each other, because they know that they can face any problem united and come out victorious because two heads are always better than one.

It is important to understand that you have to let down your barriers, the walls that you have built up over your lifetime and let them inside.  You cannot hold someone at bay, or at arms length and expect them to hang around.  You have to live in the present, let go of the past.  Why would you want to cling to it anyway?  It is over and done that is why they call it the past, and there is nothing you can do to change it anyway.  If you don't know how check out some of my other blog entries like "If these walls could talk...what would they say" and "Holding in emotion and pain is not good for anybody" then finally check out this last one because it may help you understand a bit about perspectives and how two people can live through the same situation and see totally different things, it is called "How two people can live through the same things and have totally different stories".  Relationships are tough and require work and regular maintenance just like a car does.  But remember you can work through any situation if you really open up and talk about what is going on and how you feel.  Keep in mind that they are not you and see things from a totally different perspective so talk about it, get to know what they see and think and feel.  This will make your relationship and understanding of them so much stronger.  Be willing to work hard, show a lot of affection and be spontaneous and crazy, life is short and you need to have fun.

Keep in mind that there are minimally two sides to every situation and each of you has a different way of looking at things, comprehending them and defining them. If you don't talk about it and communicate you may one day wake up and realize that you are upset and fighting over something that frankly is just a misunderstanding.  One thing I am famous for is arguing over something so fervently and not realizing that me and my partner were saying the same things, actually agreeing but he said it in a slightly different way and I missed his point, and therefore the argument was bogus, and had I been more open and receptive to his ideas, and had we communicated effectively there wouldn't have been any argument in the first place. I don't believe in giving up and walking away. I try to stay and fight and hold on even when it is hopeless.  Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't but trust me there is no real handbook on how relationships are supposed to go, there isn't some recipe on how to get over every single situation you will encounter. You have to be strong and work them through together. Remember with both of you working on it how can you fail.

As I wrap this up I hope that you come away with a better understanding of what it takes to make a relationship work.  What relationship practices help make it stronger, and what can tear it apart.  I know that it seems like I have been all over the place once again.  But seriously, the best way to approach a relationship is to work from friendship, build up the trust, always keep and open mind, be willing to do things to change yourself, compromise when necessary, pull together and talk about everything. Don't keep secrets, be yourself and let them get to really know and understand you. Leave the past behind, don't make comparisons, and be brutally honest with each other at all times.  When things get rough and they will put your heads together and find a workable solution and an answer that is going to benefit you both. Learn how to share, don't be obstinate, and learn when to keep your mouth shut, go the extra mile and be spontaneous.  Life is too short and you really care about one another or you wouldn't be with each other.

The final thing that I want to leave you with is this, don't ever settle for the answer I can't be with you because you are my friend and I don't want to do anything to ruin that friendship.  This is a cop out and totally bogus. Because let me tell you something there is no way that you are ever going to ruin a true friendship.  When you come together either you are going to make something greater than what you have or you are going to remain the same.  There are going to be fights, there are going to be times when you stop speaking to one another, but they are going to be short lived and you are going to find that you can't stay mad or angry at the person forever, that even if they hurt you that you can forgive it and get over it.  The secret to understanding all of this is that every relationship is going to end in someone getting hurt at some point or another.  Because no matter how perfect it is sooner or later one of you is going to have to leave it. Either by dying or some other cause. Nothing last forever, except the love that you share. That will endure everything else and as long as you are willing to talk and compromise and be open minded you will survive.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

A problem with organized religion and what the church has missed

I have been thinking a lot about the state of the world today and the role that the church plays in it.  To my dismay it has become evident that the whole christian church has missed the boat, their philosophy is their own and not that of Jesus.  Honestly, the church calls themselves christian, which means that they believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God.  The teach that the New Testament is the teachings and life of Jesus, so why don't they demonstrate in their preaching and lifestyle that they are believers.  How did they miss the boat, and why do they continue to teach hate and intolerance.  Each minister, pastor, priest, preacher and teacher has to go through extensive training via seminary to become ordained, yet they continue to focus primarily on the Old Testament.

This is a major dilemma for the church, because they are in the wrong. How did they miss the message that was sent and shown to them at Calvary, when Jesus died on the cross for the sins of the world?  How is it 2000 years later they still haven't figured it out.  Don't they know that if Jesus came back today that the modern church would be just as condemned as the church was 2000 years ago. That the religious leaders haven't changed, they are still doing the same things that Jesus told them was wrong way back then.  See, the problem is God gave 2 Covenants to the faithful, the first is discussed at great lengths in the Old Testament, it was governed and presided over by the Priests, the church was a tent that God had given exacting specifications on, there was a section in which God himself resided. This was called the Holy of Holies and only the High Priest was allowed to enter.  Sacrifices and atonement was made by the priests on behalf of the people and the law of the ten commandments was the governing laws of the time.

Problem is that Covenant ended when Christ chose to die at Calvary. His blood is the bridge that crosses the gap of original sin.  No longer did we need the priest to intercede on our behalf, we now have a direct link through Christ. He became the ultimate sacrifice, and through him we are saved and granted Salvation.  The old covenant between God and Abraham ended when as Jesus died the temple veil tore in two.  A person can now only be saved through Jesus, as He said "I am the way the truth and the life, no one can come to the Father accept through Me."  The new covenant that God gave to us through Jesus was much simpler, and gentler than the old covenant.  No longer did the Ten Commandments hold sway, because Jesus gave new commandments.  He gave a new direction and mission to the church.  The problem is the church by the time of Christ had grown into a bureaucracy and as with any large body is resistant to change.  Here we are 2000 years later and the church is still teaching out of the Old Testament, shoring up their fences with hatred, fear, intolerance and unfortunately they are terribly mistaken.

Being saved by Grace which is what the New Covenant is called, is all about love, patience, acceptance, and good will.  We are commanded to go out and be fishers of men, to give our testimony and lead others to Christ for salvation.  We were given just a few commandments to follow, Love one another as you love yourself, Children obey your parents so that your days may be many, go out and be fishers of men are the commandments that show that the face of God had changed, had become more tolerant and forgiving.  In this day and age the commandments have been integrated into our law system and protect all people. These are the guiding principles that we all strive to live by.  However, each denomination still denies anyone who doesn't believe exactly like they do, still cling to the old testament with was called being saved under the Law.  Law being Deuteronomy and Leviticus and the Ten Commandments.

There are so many things that they modern church preaches against that stem directly from the old testament and are repealed by the teachings of Jesus.  One of the things I a talking about is Homosexuality, in the Old Testament it was considered an abomination and punishable by death.  But in the New Testament there is something said that is totally different and keeps being over looked and not comprehended by hundreds of theologians and that is troubling that these scholars don't even believe what they claim as the gospel.  In Romans same sex interaction is again addressed, but this time you should read the passages very carefully because there is something hidden in them that is very enlightening and important for everyone to understand.  See it starts out something like this, bear with me I am doing this totally from memory.  When a man burns for lust for another and a woman yearns for another working that which is unseemly, those that do not keep God in their mind and heart will be turned over to a reprobate mind, and they become hater, backbiters, etc. the punishment of their ways are death.  However, further reading reveals that those that keep God in their hearts and mind receive the recompense of their ways is meet.  This is very important because it means that those of us that are gay and believe in God, are not forsaken, we are not an abomination, that we receive here on earth the recompense or payment for the error of their ways is meet, meaning we shall receive our punishment if you want to think of it that way here (meet).

So those that teach and think that you cannot be gay and christian aren't really christian either.  For they have missed the boat, they are clinging to the old testament like it is a life line and all it is, is an example to live a good life by. The old testament was created to control the large crowd of refugees that were liberated from the pharaoh by Moses, and led into the wilderness of the desert. Maintaining order and discipline would have been a nightmare and almost impossible if not for the ten commandments.  These laws and rules were put in place to ensure that compliance was mandatory, and the punishments for breaking them was swift and vicious, to ensure that they were obeyed.   But in  when Jesus came into the world the wandering in the desert was over, society and a nation were born and being ruled.  There were no longer any need for them or the punishments described in exodus and leviticus.  The old way wasn't working any longer and the church was taking advantage of the people and doing things that angered Jesus.  So He set out to show them by example how to live a life of purity and faith, He gave examples and extolled virtues in His sermons, He encouraged acceptance of everyone, no matter who or what they were.  He commanded that we love one another, to harm no one, to be obedient, to forgive, resist retribution and to bring His message of love and forgiveness to the world.

He condemned those who judged, He protected the weak and the lowly, and he walked with the common people.  He loved everyone equally.  We were to learn by his example, and to preach that God was a benevolent and forgiving God that loved us and cared for us because He had made us.  The message Jesus brought was of hope and love, kindness and understanding.  So why has the church missed this, why do they splinter and fracture over idiosyncratic beliefs.  Why are there so many different denominations all proclaiming that they are right and if you don't believe like them then you are truly not saved and unworthy of their help or support.  Why are we still hell bent on persecuting those that are different then us, judging them and casting aspersions upon them.  It isn't our place to judge anyone, because none of us are blameless, we were all born into original sin and separated forever from the love of God until we come to accept and are saved by Jesus.  How hard is it to see and understand?  When are they going to get it?  When will the church stop misleading people and embrace the truth the Jesus is the Son of God, and become real christian's and faithful to His teachings?

It is so  important for us to understand that no one has the right to judge us, tell us what we believe is right or wrong, and further we have a shining example of how we are supposed to live our life's and how we are supposed to act and react.  It isn't hard and Jesus is patient, and if you truly believe and are a christian you will understand that the church is wrong, and Jesus even made a provision for those of us who would eventually come to realize that the church is off track and heading for a big surprise when He comes again.  See Jesus told his followers about the church, warned them actually and gave the following provision to keep us safe from the wiles and pitfalls of the church..He said "When to or three are gathered there, I shall be also."  Amazing isn't it that Jesus had enough foresight to see that the church wasn't going to be the body to save the people that they were going to have to come directly to him and they didn't need to be in a huge congregation to do it.  They only had to have faith and worship him, with just two or three the Lord would be there.

Jesus's message is quite simple really Love each other and everything, be kind and gentle, practice forgiveness, extend understanding to everyone, and don't judge because what is right for you may not be right for someone else.  The easiest way to be a real christian is to ask yourself at each juncture "What would Jesus do", or WWJD.  Without a doubt something each of us should learn how to ask.  So, if you are not accepted by your church because you are different, or gay or just don't believe exactly along the same lines as them, be assured that you are not wrong, because God loves you and created you just as you are.  We are all flawed and imperfect and that is what makes us unique and totally human.  Love yourself and your fellow man, be helpful, kind, caring and compassionate and you cannot go wrong.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B